______________________________ Some accents have not been applied ______________________________
The scene finds Cartman at home, laying on the couch eating Cheesy Poofs, watching the late movie.
TV: "Tell me Clarisse, ...are the lambs still screaming" "No,.....Dr. Lector?" "Yes Clarisse" "Quid pro quo Dr. Lector"
Cartman:(Wide eyed) "Sweet!"
TV: "Clarisse, do you mind if I pound my f*cking pelican?" "Dr. Lector?" "I'm listening Clarisse" "Do you mind if I fart the national anthem?" "Run along now agent Starling"
Cartman: (Still wide eyed)"...this k-k-kicks a-ass"
TV Announcer: "We'll be right back to Sir Anthony Hopkins and the chick from 'Contact' starring in 'Hey!...Shut Those F*cking Lambs Up'....don't miss Gary Coleman starring in next Fridays' late move 'Damn, I'm a Nasty Black F*cking Midget'......and now a message from our sponsor..'Kitty B Gone'.....'Are you tired of that evil, stinking, fuzzy, grotesque purring kitty cat........'"
Cartman: "Mom?" Mom: "Yes dear?" Cartman: "Mom, these Cheezy Poofs taste kinda funny, kinda like athletes' foot" Mom: "Oh Hon, thats because mommy put extra Cheezy Flakes on them" Cartman: "OK Mom...Mom, I'm going to bed now - this movie is scaring the living sh*t out of me" Mom: "ERIC!, you know we don't say that word in this house" Cartman: "Feces?....the living feces?" Mom: "That's better snooky-wookums....and don't forget to get up nice and early so mommy can take you to your karate class" Cartman: "Thanks mom.....(mutters to himself) sweet, I get to pound on Kyles' big Jewish nose again"
Scene switches to the boys in karate class the next morning. All except Kenny are wearing correct karate gear (and their regular hats of course). Ike bounces around in the background.
Cartman: "What's the matter Kenny?, Did your dad spend the money on Wild Turkey again?"
Everyone laughs...except Kenny.
Kenny: "Mm mmmmm mm mmm mmmm'm mmmm mmm mmmm m mmmmmmm" -Translation "At least my mom didn't have sex with a buffalo" Kyle: "Haha....good one Kenny" Stan: "Yeah, I saw that movie to. Your mom really loves animals Cartman" "Hey, what? Shuddup you...you goddam...oh!"
In the back ground, Ike hits himself in the face with a basketball.
Ike: "..issDennisWodmantime!"
A gong sounds. Enter Yoshi the karate teacher.
Cartman: " Domo arigato Sensay san, and coneechy-wa"
Everyone pauses dramatically
Kenny: "M mmmmm mmm mmmm mmmmm mm mmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmm" -Translation "I think you just asked to massage his scrotum"
Stan and Kyle laugh.
Cartman: "No I didn't,.....I said Good honorable morning, can we kill some jews today" Kyle: "F*ck off fat boy!, I'll slap you upside the f*ckin' head!" Cartman: "In your dreams rectum wrangler!" Yoshi: "Shut up you whitebreads!"
Silence. Except for Ike, who is laying on his back, kicking his legs in the air, babbling 'Bwoos Weeee'.
Yoshi:(Gesturing towards Ike) "You must shut that boiled egg up!" Kyle: "Ike!, Ixnay on the Bruce Lee-bay!"
Ike sits up and says: 'Coocoo mewwon'
Yoshi: "Now you must form a line...here, next to fat-lazy boy"
The boys form a line.
Yoshi: "Now you must all listen to me. What I say to you is ancient japanese wisdom" Cartman: "Are you going to turn into a dragon?" Stan: "Dude, shut up" Yoshi: "No no little boy, chubstuff speak some truth. The dragon is very important in martial art" Cartman: "So when I get good at it, I can breath fire on all the hippy freaks and Jewish people?" Yoshi: (Turns to camera and blinks) "....Couldn't you have got David Carradine for this part?...seriously?"
Scene switches to an animated Matt 'n' Trey sitting in some sort of video directors booth.
Trey: "Not on this damn budget....hahahaha" Matt: "Yeah, who d'ya think we are? David Letterman?"
Both Matt & Trey look at camera. They look shocked.
Matt: "Oh f*ck, we're on!" Trey: "Go to commercial, f*ckin' go now!"
Go to commercial. Back at the gym.
Yoshi: "So always remember, pain is in the mind......now go into pairs and practice what you are learning. Fat stuff, you go with Jewboy, other two fight each other."
Cartman: "Sweet!, come on Kyle, it's time for fists of fury" Kyle: "Now Cartman, don't do anything you w......."
Cartman flies through the air, delivering an elbow to the top of Kyles' head. Kyle falls to the ground.
Kyle: "F*ck dude!" Cartman:(Still elbowing Kyles' head) "Banzai......Banzai.......Banzai ...." Kyle: "Quit it, that hurts!" Cartman: "No it doesn't...it's just in your mind, ...here, just let me try this......Banzai,Bazai, Banzzzzzzzzia!"
Scene pans over to Kenny and Stan. They are taking turns alternately punching each other.
Stan: "Ow!" Kenny: "Mm!" Stan: "Ow!" Kenny: "Mm!" Stan: "Ow!" Kenny: Mm!"
Both Stan and kenny stop fighting.
Stan: "You know Kenny, I think I'm really learning this Karate stuff" Kenny: "Mmmm, mmm'mm m mmmmm mmmmmm-mmmmm....hahahah" - Translation "Yeah, you're a grand master-bator......hahahaha" Stan: "No, not yet"
Kenny blinks. Scene pans back to Cartman and Kyle. Cartman is giving Kyle a flying ass drop.
Cartman: "Oh, that's gotta hurt, he's down for the count"
Scene switches over to Yoshi and Ike. Yoshi is speechless as Ike performs a high speed, precision nunchuk routine.
Ike: "Bweeeeder!" Yoshi: "How on earth can you possibly.." Ike: "Cooga munker yaaaya" Yoshi: "I thought the Tokyo Twin T*tty Towers were impressive, but this...this" Ike: (Tosses the nunchuks) "Coco bonga owweee"
Nunchuks hit Cartman square in the head.Gives Cartman a cut forehead. Cartman is kicking Kyle in the nuts at the time.
Cartman: " Ichi ni san schi go owwww! Jeezus f*ck!....who threw this goddam big metal chopsticks at me!" Kyle(Dazed) " Oh Look, another driedel....Uncle Moisher you're home early from the Gaza Strip?" Cartman: "Only..in...the...mind. Doddammit it hurts!"
Scene switches to outside Yoshida's House 'O' Sushi. Scene now sitches to inside Yoshida's House 'O' Sushi. Seated are Cartman (with bandaid on forehead), Cartmans' Mom, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Ike.
Stan: "And then Ike beat up Cartman with some numbf*ks" Cartman: "Hey, he did not. He he sucker numbshucked me" Mom: "Oh well, the important thing is that you had fun"
Gong sounds. Enter Yoshi the waiter. Yes, the same Yoshi.
Yoshi: "Framing Godzirra on a clacker!....You again" Cartman: "Oh Hello Yoshi, my humble subservient Nipplese Hamfighter" Stan: "What's a nipplese hamfighter?" Kenny: "Mm'm mmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmm mmmmmmm mmmmmm mm m mmm mmm mm mmmm mmmm" -Translation "It's when two girls with big tits wrestle around in a big tub of cold cuts" Stan: "Oh" Cartman: "Oh, OKay, Ill start with two pairs of albino sea-horse testicles in butter-nut sauce.....uhu then I'll have fifty thousand Krills' sinus cavities, one sea-cucumber on a stick, a clown fishes' spleen stuffed with sticky rice........and one jelly donut.....and a small diet Iced fudge.....please" Yoshi: "a number four for fatty boy" Cartman: "And a deadly puffer fish sushi for my friend Kenny...he doesn't have much money....OK, good that'll be fine" Yoshi: "What you want lady?" Mom: "I'll have the blue shark penis on tempura veggies please" Yoshi: "A footlong for f*cky-s*ck lady"....."Ok, you...what you want?" Stan: "Two sushis please" Yoshi: "What type of sushi? cookie boy" Stan: "Fish sushi?" Yoshi: "Cookie boy, they all fish sushi" Stan: "Cooked fish sushi?" Yoshi: " 'Orry fr*ck.....OK, I bring you broo whale blubber on toast ok?" Stan: "......Ok" Yoshi: "Ok, what about you kosher boy - pok roin?" Kyle: "What's a pok roin......Oh, pork loin?" Yoshi: "Yeeees, ory shr*t..you deaf or something?" Kyle: "No....I'm not allowed to eat pork....You beady-eyed little f*ckin' monkey-nip.......I'll just have what he had..... and a happy meal for my brother Ike" Ike: " Fwies widdattt" Yoshi:(Walking away) "Happy meal...where think we are?"
Go to commercial. Scene finds the boys approaching Cartman's front door.
Cartman: "Yep, I sure do like that sea food" Kenny: "Mmmmmmm mmmmm mm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm m mmmmmm.......hahahaha!" -Translation "Nothing could be finer that eating a viginer......hahahaha"
All the boys laugh.
Cartman: "Oh, that's right. Kenny, how was your deadly blow fish sushi?" Kenny: "Mmm.....M mmmm mm mm mmm" -Translation "Uhm, .....I gave it to you"
Cartman gets a look of horror.
Cartman: " Nooooooooooooo!"
Scene switches to inside Cartmans' house. Cartman is coming to grips with his own impending death.
Cartman: "It it should be you Kenny"
Kenny blinks
Cartman:(sounding somber) "Kenny....Kenny, come closer ...Kenny...I-I love you...and everytime you die - a little piece of me dies with you.........but this time I'm really f*cking pissed off at you............so, I leave to you, this, this TV guide" Kenny: "Mmmmm mmmmmmm, mm'm mmm mmmm mmmm mmmmm MM mmmmm" -Translation: "Cheap bastard, it's not even this weeks TV guide" Cartman: "Stan, Stan come to me. Come to me as I lay here dying" Stan: "Dude, don't get all gay on me. I know you're dying, but.... dude" Cartman: "Shut up Stan. ...Stan I want you to marry W-Wendy Testaburger.." Stan: "Ok dude, can I go now?" Cartman: "No, wait.....I want you to have ........this picture of the chick from Married With Children..." Stan: "Thanks dude.....sick dude!......It's got teeth marks in it!" Cartman: "Y-Yes...I was very fond of it".....".....and Kyle... come closer Kyle" Kyle: "Goodbye Cartman" Cartman: "Kyle could you (cough) could you do something very important for me before I die" Kyle: "Sure fatty" Cartman: "...could....you spread my ass cheeks while I let out a final death fart?" Kyle: "F*ck off......just die goddammitt" Cartman: "......tell Bebe I always loved her.."
Suddenly, there is a loud knock at the door. Stan answers the door.....he looks up and sees God with the clouds parted.
Stan: "Dude, it's for you" Cartman: " Tell whoever it is that I'm almost dead....and can't come to the door" Stan: "Uhmm...I think you should tell them yourself"
Cartman musters all his strength and makes it to the door.
God: "ERIC!" Cartman: "Hi god" God: "ERIC, IT IS TIME" Cartman : "Oh....about three o'clock" God: "ERIC, DO TRY AND F*UCKING PAY ATTENTION TO ME... THERE'S A GOOD BOY..........IT IS TIME" Cartman: "God?" God: "YES ERIC?" Cartman: "It's time for what?" God: "JESUS CHRIST..... MUST I GET ALL THE F*CKING WINNERS?...... IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO MEET ST. PETER ....AND ME!" Cartman: "I'm ready, I've made my peace"
Cartman turns to his friends.
Cartman: "Bye guys its been swell" God: "NO ERIC, IT'S THEIR TIME TO, I'VE BOOKED A PARTY OF FOUR" Stan: "Sweet, we're all going to heaven together?" Kyle: "Wait, I'm a Jew, I can't go there" Kenny: "M mmmm M mmm mm mmmmm mmmm" -Translation " I hope I get my usual seat"
Scene changes to the boys on a cloud. God is looking at his list again.
God: "OH, I'M SORRY, SOME OF YOU ARE HERE BY MISTAKE"
The boys look confused
God: "KENNY, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO REPORT TO HELL, WHERE YOU MUST REPOPULATE YOUR VERY OWN LAYER OF BLAZING INFERNO" Kenny: "Mmmmmm mmmm M'mm mm mmmmm m mmm mm mmmmmmm...mmmmmm" -Translation "Sounds like I'll be doing a lot of fucking..... yippee" God: "OH YOU WILL.......WITH SALLY STRUTHERS!!!"
Thunder and lightning as Kenny and Sally Struthers are sucked down through the clouds, never to be seen again.
Stan: " Whoa dude, this is pretty f*cked up right here" God: "STAN!" Stan: "Y-Yes?" God: "STAN, YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO BE HEAR AT ALL- IN FACT YOU'RE NOT EVEN DEAD." Stan: "Sweet!, can I go now?" God: "NO YOU CANNOT GO. AS PUNISHMENT FOR YOUR MISTAKES, YOU MUST SPEND TWO WEEKS PREPARING FOR YOUR FUTURE LIFE IN HELL. YOU MUST GO TO....." Stan: "Nooo, not Cleveland?" God: "YEEEES!!"
Stan is sucked through the clouds - on his way to Cleveland.
God: "KYLE, OK NOW I'M NOT SURE HOW YOU GOT HERE. YOU ARE A JEW AREN'T YOU?" Kyle: "...I....might be..." God: "THEN I MUST SEND YOU TO JEWISH HELL!" Kyle: "No, you can't!....Not.." God: "YEEEEES!, YOU MUST GO BACK TO EARTH AND SPEND AN ETERNITY WITH YOUR PARENTS!"
Kyle is sucked through the clouds....back to his house. Only Cartman in left.
Cartman: "OH...huh..I Guess I'll be going home then.." God: "HOLD ON THERE WOBBLE BOTTOM..........I'VE GOT SOMETHING VEREY SPECIAL FOR YOU RIGHT HERE IN HEAVEN" Cartman: "A never ending bag of cheesy poofs and my own TV?" God: "NO...MUCH BETTER......FOR YOU, ERIC, I'VE GOT.................... SOME LIVER, FAVA BEANS AND A NICE BOTTLE OF CHIANTE!" Cartman: "What, what the hell is that!? God: "YOU HEARD ME, I SAID LIVER, FAVA BEANS AND a nice Chiante"
Cartman stands open mouthed in disbelief.
God: "I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chiante"
Scene switches to Cartman asleep on the sofa - watching the late movie.
Mom: "Wake up hon, you're dreaming" Cartman: "OH...uh....thank god" Mom: "I know a certain little boy who has a karate class tomorrow, and who should go tuck himself into bed."
_________________ END _________________
Thanks, Dave