The story starts with Stan getting a new computer for his birthday and finding a CD-Rom with it. Stan has just set up his new computer with his dad and switched it on. He looks at the CD, slightly puzzled.
Stan: What is this for, dad?
Stan's Dad (Randy): It's a CD.
Stan: I know that.
Randy: Well, it's about genealogy.
Stan: What's gene-ee-oll-ogy?
Randy: Well, basically, it's when you try to trace your family tree. I've gotta go to work now, so I hope you know how a PC works.
Stan: Yeah, Shelley showed me at the open night at school.
Randy: Oh, OK, bye.
[Randy goes out of the door, leaving Stan up in his room with the new computer.]
Stan: So I put the disk in like so... then I click on the icon and it asks me if I want to install.
[Stan installs the software and looks at the program.]
Stan: You just fill in your mothers and grandmothers and stuff like that, eh? Well I can put in my dad and my mum. Let's see, Sharon's 34 and Dad's 32. Shelley's 12 and I have to put her in as well.
[Shelley walks in.]
Shelley: Stan, can I borrow your glue... hey, what's this?
Stan: Firstly, yes you can borrow my glue. Secondly, this is a family tree maker.
Shelley: Let's do that. I've been trying to do it for a year and a half.
Stan: You have?
Shelley: <inhales> Yeah, Sh-tan.
Stan: Wow, cool!
Shelley: I got Grandpa's phone number.
[The scene cuts to Kyle going out of his house to a small DIY store. Then, with a piece of wood, he knocks on the door of Cartman's house. He waits until Cartman opens the door. He hides in a bush next to him and growls.]
Cartman: Oh my god! What the hell was...
[Kyle picks up the wood and smacks it into Cartman's head. Cartman shakes wildly, but isn't knocked out. He grabs the wood and throws Kyle into the road.]
Kyle: Waaaaagh!
Cartman: You sonofabitch! What the hell was that for?
Kyle: I was trying to get you back for those Snacky Cakes I was gonna give to my mum that you stole and ate while you locked me in a shed!
Cartman: Screw you hippie!
[Cartman slams the door.]
Kyle: Damn that fat ass... oh no! The wood's cracked in the middle! It'll never work now! And mum made me by it half out of my money! Wait! I've got an idea, but... well, I have to try!
[Kyle knocks on Stan's door.]
Stan (opening the door): What is it?
Kyle: Stan, why are you so impatient?
Stan: I was working on a project!
Kyle: Sorry. Do you have any duck tape?
Stan: Duck... oh, that!
[Stan dashes off and returns with some thick grey tape.]
Kyle: Thanks! Bye!
Stan: Bye!
[Stan shuts the door and Kyle sits down to fix the wood. He soon manages, and is inside the McKormick's home ten minutes later.]
Mr. McKormick: Thanks, but why would we want this bit of wood?
Kyle: My mum said you would need it to fix that rafter.
Mr. McKormick: OK.
[Kyle leaves.]
Mr. McKormick: Wait a minute. Who's got some nails? Kyle!
[Kyle comes back in the door.]
Mr. McKormick: How much are nails?
Kyle: I think they're 50 cents for a pack of 20.
Mr. McKormick. OK, Kenny!
Kenny: Mmmmm hmmm, hmmmmmm, mmmmhmmm?
Mr. McKormick: Aren't you gonna take Kenny to the Happy Burger?
Kyle: Oh no! It cost me three-quarters of my pocket money! I can't afford to!
Mr. McKormick: Well, how much is your pocket money?
Kyle: $5.
Mr. McKormick: What?
Kenny: Mmmmm hmmmm mmmmmhmmmmmmm.
Kyle: Minus 50 cents? Well, bye.
Mr. McKormick: Wait...
[Kyle slams the door, but Kenny follows.]
Kyle: Come on, Kenny, let's see how Stan's project is coming along.
Kenny: Mmmhmmm.
[Kyle and Kenny soon arrive at Stan's house and knock on the door. Stan opens the door.]
Stan: What the...? Oh, it's you, Kyle and Kenny. What are you doing here?
[80 feet above the boys a cleaner is dusting a balcony outside a hospital ward. She knocks a flower pot full of compost over the edge.]
Duster woman: Look out, below!!!
Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Cartman: Huh?
[It is a few seconds before Cartman sees the pot and jumps away, screaming. The pot slams into Kenny's head and smashes. Kenny slumps to the ground.]
Stan: Oh, my god, they killed Kenny!
Cartman: No, he's not dead, he's got a pulse!
Kyle: Do mouth-to-mouth on him, then?
Cartman: But...
Kyle: Come on, fat ass!
[Cartman reluctantly performs mouth-to-mouth and Kyle rushes inside. Moments later, paramedics come out and put a neck brace on Kenny, put him on a stretcher, and take him inside.]
Cartman: I hope he's OK.
Kyle: Wow! That f***** bas**rd hurt Kenny.
Stan: But he's not dead, is he?
Cartman: No.
Stan: Let's tell his family and then we'll come back and find him.
[At the hospital, very soon afterwards...]
Kyle: Excuse me, we need to find a Kenny McKormick.
Receptionist behind front desk: Kenny... are you his friends?
Kyle: Yes.
Receptionist behind front desk: OK, then, in you go.
[In Kenny's ward...]
Kyle: Hi, Kenny, are you OK? <no response>
Stan: Kenny? Kenny?
Doctor: Don't shake him, your little friend has almost been killed. He's got a broken neck and he's in a coma.
Kyle: Oh...
Doctor: There's a 50/50 chance he'll live, but he'll NEVER WALK AGAIN!
[Sudden horror music is heard and repeats several times.]
Kyle: Oh... OK then. I guess we'll have to go home.
Stan: OK, bye Kenny!
[Kenny is left on his own, apart from the doctor. Kenny starts to feel a feeling, but he can't move yet.]
Nurse: Doctor, heart attack in cubicle 34.
Doctor (sprinting out of the cubicle): I'm there!
[Kenny wakes up and needs to go to the toilet.]
Kenny: Mmmm hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!
[Kenny gets up, walks to the toilet, flushes and walks back into bed of his own accord! At Stan's house...]
Kyle: Remember three months ago, when Wendy got jealous of Miss Ellen?
Stan: Dude, what a chick!
Kyle: And Mr. Garrison got that nose job. I wonder why he undid it? He always wanted to just go screw hot chicks.
Cartman: I know.
Shelley (from the top of the stairs): Stan, look what I did while you were out!
Stan (getting up): OK.
Cartman: Just you and me, Kyle.
Kyle: What was really spooky was that right at the end of that whole incident, she said 'I told her, "Don't f*** with Wendy Testaburger!"
Cartman: I think she set Miss Ellen up.
Kyle: Tell me about it.
Cartman: Wow, how the hell did Wendy get caught up in that?
Kyle: Something funny's going on around here.
Cartman: You can't go to the authorities or anything though, it happened three months ago.
Kyle: We'll get Wendy to confess!
Cartman: Oh, yeah, but how?
Kyle: She'll never tell us! She just emits cryptic clues out of her ears!
Cartman and Kyle (at the same time): I know!
Kyle: Let's get Stan to do it!
Cartman: Let's get a hidden camera and microphone on him!
[Stan races down the stairs, smiling. Kyle and Cartman explain their plan and fit Stan's PC camera on him and power it with batteries.]
Kyle: Come on, let's go!
[At Wendy's house...]
Wendy: When was that?
Kyle: Come on, Wendy. You don't forget something like setting up your substitute teacher very easily.
Wendy: Wh-wh-what substitute? I-I-I mean, which one?
Cartman: Miss Ellen, <sarcasm> who was horribly killed when she was shot into the centre of the sun </sarcasm>
Wendy: Oh, her! I admit I was jealous, but I didn't kill anyone! I didn't even act like a freak!
Kyle: Yes you did.
Wendy: I DID NOT ACT LIKE A FREAK!
[The last three letters of Wendy's sentence echo around the room.]
Kyle: You got twenty minutes to confess before your parents come in!
Stan (with a brainwave): Wendy, Miss Ellen didn't have anything to do with me.
Wendy: Oh no?
Kyle: Dude, what's happening to her eyes?
Stan: SHE WAS LESBIAN!
Wendy: Lesbian? She only loved WOMEN?
Kyle (not knowing what Wendy is about to do next): Yeah...
Wendy: What have I done?
Cartman: What the hell did you do?
Wendy: I-I-I...killed Miss Ellen.
Kyle: Oh my god, Wendy's a murderer!
Cartman: # Wendy's a murderer! Wendy's a murderer!#
Stan: Be quiet, she's my girlfriend.
Cartman: # Stan and a jailbird, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! #
Wendy: Shut the f*** up!
Kyle: I'm out of here!
Stan: Me too!
[Kyle and Stan manage to escape and Wendy picks up a small handgun and points it nervously at Cartman's head with both hands.]
Wendy: You two get the police and tubby boy gets it!
Stan: Oh no, dude, she's gonna kill Cartman!
Kyle: Normally I'd hate him, but at the moment we need all the help we can get!
Wendy: I mean it!
Stan (not moving and whispering to Kyle): There's a payphone. Crawl along where she can't see out the window and dial 911.
[Stan walks in through the door.]
Kyle: What are you doing, Stan?
Stan (ignoring Kyle): Wendy, why did you do it. I'll always have room in my heart for you.
Wendy: Sit down there, Cartman, where I can see you.
Kyle: Oh, boy. Everything always gets f***** up on Halloween.
[Wendy ties Cartman to the chair with her scarf and forces Stan into a closet and locks it.]
Wendy: Don't you dare move, Kyle!
Kyle (looking at new watch): You have twelve minutes before your parents come back! And they're very punctual!
Wendy: Oh, boy. Everything always gets f***** up on Halloween. I'll just turn the radio on.
Radio: A gas explosion at the South Park Hospital has killed several hundred people, including a boy named Kenny McKormick!
Kyle: You bastards!
Wendy: Ah, what the hell!
[Theme tune is heard and credits rush across the screen.]
Stan: I gotta check out our family tree at home!
Kyle: You got six minutes, Wendy!
Wendy (whispering to herself): There's only one way out.
[Everyone gasps and pauses. Then Wendy shoves the gun into Stan's back and the four march on.]
Kyle: I could really do with Kenny right now.
Cartman: Yeah, even though I never gave a rat's ass about him.
Wendy (gritting her teeth): Shut...up!
[Cartman trips over.]
Cartman: Ugh!
Wendy: Get up, fatso!
Cartman: A snake bit me!!
[Wendy shoves the gun into Cartman's ear. Cartman stands up silently and everyone keeps marching.]
Kyle: What are you going to do, Wendy? You've admitted you're guilty. What are you going to do now? You can't hold us for ever.
Wendy: Can't I?
Stan: Wendy, Wh-where are you taking us?
Wendy: Let me just say I have friends higher up than me.
Kyle: Uh?
[At Stan's house, Shelley is chatting with her grandfather.]
Shelley: Huh? What? I can't hear you, these transatlantic phone lines crackle and pop like Rice Krispies.
Shelley's grandfather: I said that my grandfather was one Derek Mephesto. Derek Mephesto.
Shelley: When did he die and when was he born?
Shelley's grandfather: 1833 to 1886.
Shelley: How do you know so much?
Shelley's grandfather: I did the same thing forty years ago, but we didn't have computers. We used card files and posters and paperwork.
Shelley: Oh, yeah. OK, who was Derek Mephesto's daughter, then?
Shelley's grandfather: Samantha Mephesto. She gave birth to a man called Alphonse Mephesto.
Shelley (surprised): The mad genetic engineer on the hill??
Shelley's grandfather: That's right.
Shelley: Thanks, Grandpa. Bye.
[Shelley hangs up and dials someone else, whilst in the woods...]
Wendy: Get into this underground bunker!
Kyle: Why?
Wendy (pointing the gun at his head): Because I said so.
Kyle: *Gulp!*
[Wendy forces the others into the bunker one by one and shuts several thick, metal doors.]
Wendy: Here's a radio communication device that can dial any number in the world. Now to dial... <speaks gruffly> Hello? Is that 911? I am holding three people hostage. My demands are... airline tickets, $50,000 and permission to leave the country free of hassle. I will contact you later. <hangs up and stops talking gruffly>
Kyle: Dude, are you really going to do that?
Wendy: Yes!
Stan: Whoa, dude!!! Look at her eyes.
Kyle: They're like when she said...
Wendy (turning to the boys): Don't f*** with Wendy Testaburger!
Kyle and Stan: Aaaaaagghhh!
[At Mephesto's...]
Shelley: I don't believe it, we share the same great-great-grandfather!
Mephesto: Neither can I? How would you like a clone of yourself?
Shelley: Not after what happened to Stan!
Mephesto: I used the wrong solution then. I can fix that.
Shelley: Uh...OK then.
Mephesto: Give me some blood.
Shelley: OK. Ow! Don't worry, I'm OK.
Mephesto: Got it!
Shelley: It's half past seven at night. Best be going home or my neurotic mom will be afraid.
Mephesto: Bye!
Shelley: Bye!
[Three hours later, most of the populace was gone to bed. But, not in the nuclear bunker where Wendy has tied up Cartman, Stan and Kyle...]
Cartman: Wendy, we can put 2 and 2 together. It makes much more than it seems! It makes four...and a bit in this case!
Kyle: Our key clue is that Miss Ellen is a lesbian.
Stan: Without that fact, we probably wouldn't even be here!
Kyle: If Miss Ellen WAS a lesbian...
Stan: ...then she wouldn't have made love to that leader...
Kyle: ...so the photo must have been...
Stan: ...fake, so Miss Ellen was innocent and those...
Kyle: ...unstable Middle East people are guilty...
Stan: ...but why would they swoop now...
Kyle: ...when they needed a tip-off as to where she was...
Stan: ...you would profit, because Miss Ellen...
Kyle: ...would be out of your hair and as a reward...
Stan: ...they would get rid of Miss Ellen however you wanted...
Kyle: ...so then you would get some good out of that...
Stan: ...and so would the Middle East nutters...
Kyle: ...because they would have found a scapegoat...
Stan: ...which they couldn't find before you...
Kyle: ...tipped them off and you would be happy at the end of it...
Stan: ...because you would make friends with some powerful people.
Kyle: Simple.
Stan: Precisely.
Wendy: Grraaah! I should have known better. I want to RULE THE WORLD!!!
[Horror music is heard.]
Stan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
Cartman: It's half past eleven. Wendy, you'd better be careful, or the police will hunt you down and kill you.
Wendy: No way!
[The radio phone crackles to life.]
Radio: Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? You know, the um...guy with the three hostages?
Wendy: D'oh! <answers the phone and speaks gruffly> Yes? Got my demands?
Radio: Yes! Three mothers reach reported their children to be missing! They were identified as being Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh and Kyle Broslofski?� We tracked them here from DNA samples and we know that the DNA either comes from the Marsh or Testaburger family bloodline.
Wendy: Really?
Kyle: IT'S WENDY TESTABURGER!
Radio: Who, Testaburger? Which Testaburger?
Wendy (still speaking gruffly): Hold for a second. <slaps Kyle in the mouth> OK. Will you follow my orders? Send them down the supply line. Don't worry, you can't fit anyone down there, it's only ten inches square. You have 72 hours to send the money and airline tickets. You must let me go in 72 hours. Bye. <hangs up>
Stan: Wendy, you'll never get away with this.
Wendy: Oh, yeah?
[At that moment, a crazed figure wearing an orange parka is seen exiting the hospital and sets off to go on a mad spree. At nine o' clock, at school the next morning...]
Mr. Garrison: Where's Kyle, Cartman, Stan and...oh, yeah. Kenny what are you doing here? You broke your neck and can't move.
Mr. Garrison: What, you mean you're OK? Oh, alright. I've seen wackier.
[Shelley visits Mephesto again after school and asks him for a favour. Mephesto agrees, whilst Kenny walks to the commotion in the woods, not knowing what is going on. Two hours later, Mephesto phones Shelley.]
Mephesto: I've found it! I've found it!
Shelley: Hooray!
Mephesto: I've found the BS4 gene in your blood! Your clone will be ready in six hours! Everything's perfect!
Shelley: Type four? There's six types that get weaker and weaker and I got fourth? What did I get you to do again?
Mephesto: You told me to find the Barbara Streisand gene (BS) that makes you want to rule the world.�
Shelley: And BS1 is the strongest, BS6 is the weakest?
Mephesto: Right. You seen that news that a Testaburger person is holding two of your brother's friends hostage?
Shelley: Huh?
Mephesto: They're holding Stan, as well.
Shelley: WHAT?
Mephesto: Calm down! I know why! The Testaburger bloodline carries the BS2/2 gene. Only 1 in 800,000 have it!
Shelley: Meaning?
Mephesto: They have a strong desire to take over the world, but it is only triggered by something that provokes emotion, e.g. someone stealing your first love.
Shelley: Thank you. <hangs up> Oooh, Testaburger will pay, I'll be sure of that! I'll burn their house down! Being horrible to my brother is MY JOB!!!
[At the crime scene, Kenny arrives and the police brief him. They send Kenny down the supply chute because he is the only person small enough.]
Wendy: What's that?
[Kenny jumps out into the bunker.]
Stan, Kyle and Cartman: It's Kenny!
Wendy: AAAAGGHH!
[Wendy shoots blindly and repeatedly. She opens her eyes. Kenny is fixed to the wall, with several bullets leaking blood holding him up.]
Kyle: Oh my god, Wendy killed Kenny!
Stan: I'm not saying it, she's my girlfriend.
Cartman: You bastards!
[A voice is heard down the chute.]
Voice: I'm gonna burn your house down, Testaburger!
Wendy (speaking normally): if you do, they get shot, this time with a shotgun! <picks up shotgun with six rounds>
Voice: Guys, it's Wendy Testaburger! She's only eight and a half years old!
Wendy: Uh oh.
Voice: Just you wait, Testaburger <fades away> Just you wait...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
� - Correct spelling of Broslofski :)
� - Mecha Streisand Reference. DL from:
www.jacksonville.net/~48cab/south_park_hideout.htm
[A certain teenager is sprinkling petrol through the letter box of Wendy's house. Then she lights a petrol bomb made out of a shampoo bottle and pushes it through, before running back to the scene of the hostage crisis.]
Stan: Untie us, Wendy!
Wendy: No way, Jose!
Kyle: What's that smell?
Cartman: I think it's Kenny.
Kyle: And those rats.
Wendy: God! I can't sit in a nuclear bunker for days with all this stink! <lowers voice> I'll have to leave in an hour or two.
Radio: $100,000 is on the surface and no one is within 100 metres of the area!
[Wendy thinks for half a minute. Then she unties Stan's feet and starts climbing up the stairs to the closed bunker door.]
Cartman and Kyle: What about us?
[Wendy walks on and opens the door. There is not a person in sight. Then she walks away, into the woods and in five minutes, she is nowhere to be seen. The police and everyone else have lost her.]
Policeman #1: Damn, damn, damn! It's not supposed to work out like this!
Policeman #2: Can we go to the Donut Hut? I'm getting hungry for sugar.
Policeman #1: Oh, OK.
Policeman #3: We can rescue Kyle and Cartman later.
Kyle: Hey, guys! Guys? <no response>
Cartman (seeing a box of Cheesy Poofs on a table a few metres away): Cheesy POOFS! Must eat...
[Cartman heaves the chair he is tied to forward a tiny bit. Then a bit more, and a bit more, and...well you get the idea. Cartman is soon snuffling up the cheesy snack, oblivious to everything around him. Meanwhile, at Stan's...]
Shelley (sitting at Stan's PC): I hope Wendy finds her house is burned down, I can't wait.
[Scene cuts to Wendy's house. Her parents smash a toilet window open and jump out from the first floor until a nettle bush. The scene cuts back to Shelley, who walks downstairs and starts reading a book. Sparky comes along.]
Shelley: Tracing Your Family Tree by Jean E Ology. Seems right.
Sparky: Grrrrowl.
Shelley: Hi, Sparky. You missing Stan too?
Sparky: Yuff.
Shelley: Well, find him boy! The window is open even though it's half past eight at night. Find, boy!
[Sparky jumps out of the window and dashes off.]
Shelley: Now, Chapter One...
[In an empty alley, Stan is forced to switch clothes with Wendy. They go to the train station and Wendy knocks Stan out and drags him into the toilet, while she boards a train to the airport. When Stan comes around, he falls asleep and wakes at 7am, by which time Wendy is on a flight to the Middle East. Cartman and Kyle are back at their homes, and Stan walks back home with a headache, not having any memory of what happened for the previous three days. Exhausted, he walks home. As he walks into the sunset, we hear music, and the screen dims.]
OK, so Wendy walks off, presumably with Stan (because he's in the alley, and Kyle/Cartman aren't). But..
If there was nobody in sight, how do the police know Stan left the building? They'd have to see him walk out - and if they could see him, they'd have seen Wendy, and she wouldn't have got away.
[snip]
Stan would either be totally nude or wearing Wendy's clothes - I think either one would probably shock him into remembering /something/ :)
Believe me, one can not notice these things for ages. I once gashed my leg with a two inch cut and I never noticed for three and a half hours. BTW, Shelley reminded Stan when he got home. Stan ran around screaming for an hour and a half, thinking he had become a transvestite. :)
Listen, the main reason I did that 'fic was 'cos I needed to put forward a theory explaining the end of Tom's Rhinoplasty. Was Wendy innocent? I'd like to hear other people's views on what happened. My one showed my theory, where Wendy became a crazed bastard who killed Miss Ellen. It's too exhausting, though. May update it any time i want.
First, <nitpicking mode> it's not a building. </nitpicking mode>
Which they did...read on.
Yes, that's logical.
If they were all as competent as Officer Barbrady, is it any surprise they got away?
Also, your first paragraph can also be explained by the fact that they may have waited, looked, found the bunker door open, and checked down it, maybe half an hour later.
Well, you did say they were MINOR points, so I'll overlook any more comments that say they are MINOR, unless I feel like going into nit- picking mode.