{AUTHOR'S NOTE, er, EXCUSE: OK, OK, I said I'd have the whole thing done by now, but I've been working on my truck (without all the tools I need, which makes things a bit more difficult <g>), but the ending should be coming soon. Kyle, you've already read most of this,except the last scene. Keep your eyes open for part 2 (coming soon to a NG near you ... I've always wanted to say that, or at least something similar).}
Yes, you read that correctly: "Hippy Cartman". This is the second fanfic I've ever attempted, so any and all criticism will be greatly appreciated (both the good AND the bad, hey, how else am I gonna learn any better <g>). Please, be brutally honest in your comments regarding this fanfic, I promise, I can take it. One other thing, you may notice two changes to the way I'm typing this up. The names of the character's blurred with their lines in the last one, so the character's names are done in CAPS when they have a line, and I put Kenny's lines in brackets (I got tired of writing "mmm-mph-hmmph-mmm" all the time). So without any further ado .... "Hippy Cartman"
<Insert legal stuff here>
(opening scene, Mr. Garrison's classroom. Mr. Garrison is talking to the class.)
MR GARRISON: ... and that's why Vanna White is nothing more than a cheap trailer park slut. Any questions class? (Kyle raises his hand) Yes Kyle?
KYLE: What the hell does that have to do with South American geography?
MR GARRISON: Well Kyle, if you had been paying attention, instead of picking your ass, you'd know that ... (the bell rings, kids start getting out of their seats) OK, now class, CLASS! Don't forget about tomorrow's field trip to the Cheesy-Poof processing facility.
CARTMAN: (raises hand) Uh, Mr. Garrison?
MR GARRISON: Yes, Eric?
CARTMAN: Mr. Garrison, will we be getting free samples?
MR GARRISON: Gee, I don't know Eric, I suppose so.
CARTMAN: Sweeeet!
(scene change, Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny are walking home from school. A light snow is falling.)
CARTMAN: (singing) I'm gonna get free cheesy-poofs, I'm gonna get free cheesy-poofs.
KYLE: Dude, everyone will get free cheesy-poofs.
CARTMAN: Not if I get to 'em first!
STAN: You're too slow to get ANYWHERE first, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Ay! I'm not slow! I'm quick on my feet for my size.
KENNY: [Yeah, if you don't trip over your ass.]
CARTMAN: AY! Screw you, you pov! Your family's so poor Kenny, if your parents put their two cents in on anything, they'd be in debt for years!
KENNY: [Eat s**t, you asshole!]
CARTMAN: (sarcastically) Oh, I couldn't do that Kenny, 'cause I'd be taking food off your family's table.
KYLE: Cartman, you've never stopped from taking food off of ANYONE'S table.
CARTMAN: Dammit! Screw you guys, I'm going home!
(scene change, the bus stop the next morning. Kyle, Stan, Cartman and Kenny are waiting on the bus. Cartman has several sacks slung over his shoulder.)
STAN: Dude, what are all those sacks for?
CARTMAN: For the free samples. I'm gonna fill all these sacks with cheesy-poofs.
KENNY: [Can I have one of those?]
CARTMAN: No Kenny, you should have brought your own sacks. (sarcastically) Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you're too poor to have any sacks other than the ones your mother made into clothes for you.
KENNY: [Dickwad! Probably doesn't even have a nutsack.]
CARTMAN: (glances at the sacks on his shoulder, looking a little puzzled) Huh? Well, no, I don't, these were all flour ... (Kyle, Stan and Kenny burst out laughing) Wha? Ay! You bastards!
(The bus pulls up and the kids climb on board.)
(scene change, the front of the school. Mr. Garrison is talking to the class.)
MR GARRISON: OK children, I want you all to be on your best behavior, or Mr. Hat will slap you silly. Isn't that right, Mr. Hat?
MR HAT: You know it is, Mr. Garrison.
MR GARRISON: Now get on the bus you little pus ... (Pip raises his hand) <sigh> yes Pip, what is it?
PIP: Mr. Garrison, sir, my mum says I'm not to have any of those cheesy-snacks, as they may spoil my appetite for din-din.
MR GARRISON: And you think I give a damn about that?
CARTMAN: Mr. Garrison, I'll make sure Pip doesn't get any cheesy-poofs.
MR GARRISON: Now why does that not surprise me?
(scene change, the bus interior. Winter mountain scenery flies past the windows. Cartman is munching down on a snackey-cake.)
STAN: Jesus, Cartman, it's no wonder you're so fat! You never stop stuffing your face.
CARTMAN: (with his mouth full of snackey-cake) Ay! I'm not fat, I'm just comfortably padded!
KYLE: Dude, you ARE fat! I bet if the bus caught on fire and the only way out was to climb through the windows, you'd be one dead fat-ass!
CARTMAN: AY! You asshole! I could so get out!
KENNY: [Your second chin wouldn't fit through the window.]
CARTMAN: Ay!
STAN: (laughing) Not to mention his third!
(Kyle, Stan and Kenny start laughing)
CARTMAN: DAMMIT! I do not have three chins! (Cartman stands up on his seat and opens the window) I'll show you guys who can't fit through a damn window! (starts climbing through the window)
MS CRABTREE: (looking in her rear-view mirror) HEY KID, GET OUT OF THAT WINDOW AND SIT BACK DOWN!
CARTMAN: Damn, I'm stuck. Hey you guys, help me get back in.
MR GARRISON: (stands up and looks to the back of the bus) Dammit Eric! I'm going to sit back down and count to three. If you're still in that window when I turn back around, Mr. Hat is going to bitch slap the s**t out of you! (Mr. Garrison sits back down) ONE!
(Kyle, Stan and Kenny start pulling on Cartman's legs)
CARTMAN: Ow! That hurts guys!
STAN: Dude, he's really stuck in there.
KYLE: Yeah, pulling on him isn't working.
MR GARRISON: TWO!
STAN: If pulling on him isn't working, let's push.
KYLE: Makes sense to me. (Kyle, Stan and Kenny start pushing on Cartman)
CARTMAN: Uh, guys, I don't think this is such a good ... (Cartman pops out of the window and starts bouncing down the mountainside) CRAAAAAPPP!!!!
MR GARRISON: THREE! (Mr. Garrison stands up, looks to the back of the bus, sees that Cartman is no longer in the window, but doesn't notice the looks of shock on the faces of Kyle, Stan and Kenny(?)) Oh good. (Mr. Garrison sits back down) It's about time those little bastards started showing me some respect.
(scene change, Cartman is bouncing down the side of the mountain.)
CARTMAN: OW! ... DAMMIT! ... CRAP! (Cartman goes flying off a ledge into a river, landing head first on a large rock. His pupils dilate. In a weak voice) weeeaakk. (Cartman passes out and is swept down river, his fat keeps him floating)
(scene change, the bus interior. Kyle and Stan run up to the front of the bus.)
KYLE and STAN: Mr. Garrison! Mr. Garrison!
MR GARRISON: What is it boys?
MS CRABTREE: SIT BACK DOWN!
MR GARRISON: I'll handle this Ms. Crabtree. (mutters) What a bitch.
MS CRABTREE: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?
MR GARRISON: I, uh, I said "where's my switch", you know, to discipline the boys.
MS CRABTREE: Oh. Well, yes, corporal punishment can be effective.
MR GARRISON: Now, what's the problem boys?
KYLE: Cartman fell out of the window ...
STAN: And bounced down the mountain!
MR GARRISON: Oh dear! I guess we should stop and find him. Ms. Crabtree, would you please stop the bus?
MS CRABTREE: I CAN'T DO THAT! (Ms Crabtree points to a roadsign which reads "Watershed Area, No Stopping Next 25 Miles")
MR GARRISON: Well, I tried boys, but it's out of our hands now. We'll just have to stop on the way back.
KYLE: But Cartman could be dead.
MR GARRISON: Then there's no big rush, is there, Kyle?
KYLE: Wha ... well, I guess not.
MR GARRISON: All right then. Take your seats boys, or Mr. Hat will tear your eyes out.
(Kyle and Stan go back to their seats)
(scene change, Cartman continues to float down river, passing through a seris of rapids, bouncing off several rocks and coming to rest on the riverside. Two hippies are washing their tie dyes nearby.)
HIPPY 1: No way man! Space from Norfolk '90 was way better than Space from Aspen '89! They were having soundboard problems at that Aspen show!
HIPPY 2: But I'm telling you, it added a whole new dimension to it. The feedback just merged with the jam, man! It was totally surreal!
{NOTE: For those unfamiliar with the Grateful Dead, Space is a twenty + minute psychedleic jam which was played at every show, with no two performances ever exactly alike. As for the soundboard problems, that's just a line of BS I threw in there, so Dead fans, don't tear me apart for it. Poetic licence, you know?}
HIPPY 1: We'll just have to listen to the bootlegs when we get back to Dancing Bear Den. (notices Cartman) DUDE, A NARC!
HIPPY 2: Look ociffer, we were ... (takes a closer look at Cartman) Hey, that's no narc, man, it's a kid. He looks pretty messed up, too.
HIPPY 1: Think we should bring him with us?
HIPPY 2: Yeah, man, the elder will know what to do.
(the hippies gather up their tie dyes and Cartman and leave)
(scene change, Cheesy-Poof processing facility interior. Huge machines fill the production area, cranking out Cheesy-Poofs, which are dropped into a giant storage bin. Mr. Garrison and the class are standing as a group listening to a Cheesy-Poof Rep who is speaking to them through a megaphone.)
CHEESY-POOF REP: ...and tat's how we trun common household and industrial "waste products" (makes quotation movements with his fingers) into a tasty, slightly nutritious snack treat, with hardy any remaining toxic elements. Yes, we here at Cheesy-Poofs believe in making a quality product with fun, and various "unstable compounds" (makes quotation movements with his fingers), as the main ingredients. This ends the official tour. Any questions? (Stan raises his hand) Yes?
STAN: Do we get any free samples?
CHEESY-POOF REP: Sure. Knock yourselves out kids. (all the kids cheer and run everywhere. The rep lowers his megaphone) Damn little hellraisers. I hate these school tours.
MR. GARRISON: We know exactly what you mean, don't we Mr. Hat?
MR. HAT: We sure do Mr. Garrison.
CHEESY-POOF REP: (looks at Mr. Garrison, then to Mr. Hat and back to Mr. Garrison) Ah ... yeah. Tell you what, I'll just be right over there if you need me. (he slowly backs away from Mr. Garison, then turns and moves quickly out of the processing area)
(view changes to Stan, Kyle and a couple other kids standing in front of the Cheesy-Poof storage bin, all of their cheeks are bulging from Cheesy-Poofs)
STAN: (sounding a little like Kenny) Dude, this kicks ass! All the Cheesy-Poofs we can eat! (shoves another handful of Cheesy-Poofs into his mouth)
KYLE: (sounding a little like Kenny) Yeah! Cartman would've loved this. (shoves another handful of Cheesy-Poofs into his mouth)
STAN: (sounding more like Kenny) Oh, well, all the more for the rest of us! (pauses and looks around) Hey, where's Kenny? (another handful)
KYLE: (sounding more like Kenny) Huh, I don't know. It's not like him to miss out on a free meal. (looks around and sees Kenny on a catwalk above the Cheesy-Poof mixing vat) There he is! (another handful)
(scene change, Cheesy-Poof workers' break room. There are posters covering the ways which read "School Tour Today", "Watch Out For The Kids", "Number Of Days To The Next School Tour: Today!", etc. Two workers are sitting down to lunch.)
WORKER 1: Did you finish securing the new catwalk over the mixing vat yet?
WORKER 2: No, I thought I'd finish up after lunch. It's not like anyone's gonna go up there.
WORKER 1: Yeah, you're probably right. Good thing the next school tour isn't until tomorrow. Damn kids get into everything.
(scene change, processing facility interior. Kenny is on the catwalk. He leans on the handrail, which breaks off, and falls into the mixing vat. A swirl of red appears in the orange goo, and a seris of red Cheesy-Poofs fall into the storage bin, followed by Kenny's head.)
STAN: (sounds just like Kenny) [Oh my god, they killed Kenny!] (another handful)
KYLE: (sounds just like Kenny) [You bastards!] (another handful)
END PART I
So what do y'all think? I need feedback people, let me know how you liked it (or if you liked it).