Mrs Berkley. By Mike Jakeman. Copyright � 1998 Mike Jakeman
All the characters and locations are copyrighted to the producers of South Park. This piece is written using those characters with respect to their copyright owners. This piece was not written for profit or sale to anyone other than those who hold the rights to purchase such works. This piece is copyrighted to Mike Jakeman in text and content only.
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STAN Wendy? What happened back there?
WENDY [half-crying and trying to take deep breaths] It was the heart, it was beating...there was blood pumping everywhere, it was so scary Stan! Just hold me, tell me it's all alright!
STAN It's alright Wendy, it's bleeeuuuggghhh!
[Stan throws up]
WENDY Eee-uw!
[After school]
STAN Now we really need to tell someone now dude, I don't care who but it's getting too much.
KYLE Okay, we'll phone Chef.
CARTMAN But only after Terrance and Philip!
STAN You go home, you go eat your cheesy poofs, you stuff your face and you forget it all eh Cartman? Well not this time!
CARTMAN But Terrance and Philip...
STAN It could be you next Cartman, she killed Kenny, she freaked out Wendy, it could be you next!
CARTMAN Goddamn it!
[Cut to Stan's house]
KYLE Just phone Chef!
STAN I don't want to sound dumb, what am I going to tell him?
KYLE The truth goddamn it!
CARTMAN Yeah get on with it! The TV's calling!
STAN Okay! I'm calling him!
[Screen splits in two between Stan and Chef]
STAN Chef?
CHEF [out of breath] Stan?
FEMALE VOICE Who is it babe?
STAN Chef?
CHEF Yeah, yeah, sorry Stan, what is it?
STAN It's our teacher!
CHEF Your teacher?
FEMALE VOICE Their teacher?
STAN Yeah. She IS nuts, I don't care what you said but she killed Kenny, tried to make us all commit ourselves to the devil and she freaked Wendy out by making her hallucinate!
CHEF Stan you a'int making any sense, ooh that feels good, I mean how could she do those things?
STAN Chef? What's going on with you? Have you got someone round?
CHEF Yeah, your- aarrgghh!
STAN Chef? Chef? CHEF?
[Stan puts the phone down]
KYLE What happened dude?
STAN I dunno, I was just telling him about Mrs Berkley and then there was a scream and...
KYLE And what?
STAN I heard a woman's voice in the background it sounded like-
CARTMAN Hillary Clinton?
STAN Why would Hillary Clinton be in Chef's house?
CARTMAN There might be something in the water...
KYLE Who's voice was it Stan?
STAN It sounded like Mrs Berkley!
KYLE And then what?
STAN I heard a scream!
KYLE Dude, we've got to get round there now!
[Cut to Chef's house]
CHEF Well woman, I have to admit, this really is taking bondage a little bit seriously!
[Chef is seen heavily strapped upside down against a wall with nails pinning him there]
MRS BERKLEY No wise cracks you sonofabitch!
CHEF Yes ma'am! What now?
MRS BERKLEY You keep your pretty mouth damn well shut or I'll blow your sweet little head to Middle Park!
[Stan, Kyle and Cartman burst in]
STAN [holding a knife] I'd like you to try!
MRS BERKLEY I'd like to see you try!
[Mrs Berkley takes a .38 from her jacket and aims at Chef]
STAN You said it!
[Stan hurls the knife at Mrs Berkley who turns and shoots it out of the air]
CARTMAN Goddamn it!
STAN Holy crap!
MRS BERKLEY Go and get your sorry asses over there! And as I said to big boy over there, you say a word and I'll blow your asses to Middle Park!
[Moving a table out of the way, she picks up a red can and unscrews the top]
KYLE Petrol!
MRS BERKLEY You're not as dumb as you look!
[Mrs Berkley pours petrol first over Chef and then over herself and takes a lighter from her pocket]
MRS BERKLEY Goodbye children, it's been nice working with you.
[She wafts the lighter around teasingly. The kids look away and brace themselves and then sets herself, Chef and the room alight]
[Mr Garrison's voice rises up as the lesson finishes]
MR GARRISON And that children is why you are glad to have me around...'cause substitute teachers are like Terrance and Philip, they're evil! ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay! The end! My longets and bets fanfic I reckon, what did you think to the ending?
Comments, critisisms etc, all welcome!