Here's the second part of that fic:
---- CARTMAN walks past a big building. A BUM is leaning on the wall, swigging from a bottle in a brown paper bag.
BUM (singing): Oh when I'm dead, don't bury me at all... just pickle my bones in alcohol... a bottle of scotch at my head and feet... and then I'm sure my bones will keep...
CARTMAN: Hey!
BUM: Yeah?
CARTMAN: Is this the North Side?
BUM: Yup. Northern South Park. Any further, you'd be in southern North Park.
CARTMAN: Wow. Are things there as weird as they say?
BUM: Oh yeah. The triangles there have four sides.
CARTMAN: No way!
BUM: Uh huh. What are you doing here?
CARTMAN: I'm looking for a secret underground society.
BUM: Oh, I know where that one is.
CARTMAN: You do?
BUM: Yeah. The entrance is marked with a four sided triangle.
CARTMAN: You mean a square?
BUM: A what?
CARTMAN: Oh, never mind. Thanks for your help.
The bum guzzles the last of the bottle and falls over, landing on a sleeping cat.
CARTMAN: Wow, I see it already!
He runs down the street to a small door. A triangle is painted on it.
CARTMAN: No, this one has three sides...
The door abruptly opens. A man with no legs (not HALFIE) is standing in the doorway.
MAN: What do you want with our underground society?
CARTMAN: Um, I think I might be in the wrong place.
MAN: Do you want to join us, the double amputees?
CARTMAN: No.
The MAN, not listening, yanks him inside. Inside, it's dark and shadowy. The MAN drags CARTMAN down a hallway.
CARTMAN: But I don't wanna be in the society!
MAN: You're just in time for our pledge of allegiance. We can get you sworn in that way.
They enter the door at the end of the hallway. A large amount of people are inside a big room, all missing either their arms or their legs. They move aside, to reveal HALFIE on a throne and wearing a crown.
HALFIE: Now it's time for the pledge of allegiance.
MAN: Your excellence, we have a new recruit today.
HALFIE: Very well. He can follow with the pledge.
MAN: Get ready, boy.
HALFIE: Now who here would have sex with a tomato?
EVERYONE: I would!
HALFIE: Now who here would... wait a minute! Our new recruit has all his limbs! He can't hang around with us!
CARTMAN: Well, I didn'twant to be in your silly society anyway. And another thing. Don't you think that this pledge is causing a strange and unfair stereotype of amputees?
HALFIE: Guards! Seize him!
An ARMLESS MAN and a LEGLESS MAN grab him and carry him back out.
CARTMAN: Um, seriously you guys, I could just walk.
LEGLESS MAN: Enough!
The LEGLESS MAN holds him up; the ARMLESS MAN kicks him out the door.
CARTMAN: Have it your way, you homophobic bastards!
He gets up and looks at another door with a square painted on it.
CARTMAN: Hmm, I wonder if this could be the one.
He opens the door and goes inside, walking down a hallway identical to the other one.
CARTMAN: Hmm, what is this?
He opens the door at the end of the hallway, to reveal a big bar. He walks over and sits on a stool.
CARTMAN: What do you guys have to drink here?
BARTENDER: Here at Big Gay Tony's Big Gay Bar, we have a lot of drinks.
CARTMAN: All right, I'll have a Cheezy Beer.
BARTENDER: But all the drinks are gay.
CARTMAN sighs.
CARTMAN: Right. I'll have a pina colada.
BARTENDER: Hold on a minute, kiddo. How old are you?
CARTMAN: Eight.
BARTENDER: Hmmm.
CARTMAN: I'm very mature for my age.
BARTENDER: What the hell. This is a progressive bar.
The BARTENDER mixes him a pina colada.
BARTENDER: I'm Big Gay Tony, by the way. And these are my friends, Big Gay Nick, Big Gay Cal, and Big Gay Schlomo.
CARTMAN looks at them. They all look exactly like BIG GAY AL, but wearing different clothing.
CARTMAN: Um, nice to meet you.
BARTENDER: Oh, I nearly forgot. Here you go.
He puts a pair of leather pants on the counter.
BARTENDER: Complimentary lavender coloured leather pants with every drink!
CARTMAN puts the pants on.
CARTMAN: I've always loved lavender.
BIG GAY SCHLOMO: You know, I've done my kitchen in lavender!
CARTMAN: You don't say.
SCHLOMO: Oh yes.
CARTMAN: Look, you guys seem really nice and all, but I just want to be my old self again. If someone wasn't born gay, can the gayifing process be reversed?
TONY: There is one way.
CAL: Yes. We know a man on the other side of things. He would be happy to perform the process for you.
CARTMAN; Where is this man?
TONY: At Tom's Rhinoplasty, go west four miles, then north past the lake, then east.
CARTMAN: Thanks!
CAL: Oh, don't mention it. Would you like to stay for some low fat carrot cake?
CARTMAN: I'm in a bit of a hurry.
SCHLOMO: Goodbye then. It was super getting to know you.
CARTMAN leaves.
SCHLOMO: My God! Did you see his hair?
They all break out in laughter.
CARTMAN walks out of South Park and into the horizon. He walks over hills, through forests, etc. It uses the same perspective as SPARKY's journey. Finally he arrives at a building.
CARTMAN: Well, this must be the place.
In PIP's mansion. The kids are sitting on the couch watching TV. An explosion is heard.
KYLE: What the hell was that?
They go up to the window and look out. The animal sanctuaries can be seen far off in the distance.
PIP: Trouble at the animal sanctuaries?
KYLE: Maybe.
STAN: Dude, let's check it out!
PIP: Right-o.
They leave.
Outside MITCH's. AL is crouching in the shadows with a massively enormous grenade launcher. He fires a grenade through a big plate glass window. Flames shoot from within the sanctuary, then die down.
AL: Move in on my turf, will you?
Inside. MITCH is covered with soot. In the background, there's a smoking crater full of debris.
MITCH: He blew up my salad bar... the bastard!
Outside. AL is laughing. The kids come up to him.
STAN: Hey Big Gay Al.
KYLE: Whatcha doing?
AL: Get down!
The kids drop to the ground.
AL: I'm getting back at my big gay nemesis Big Gay Mitch. He's trying to usurp my position as big gay caregiver for the land's big gay animals, and so I've gotta kill him. Stay in the shadows, or else he'll see you.
He blows smoke off the barrel of his grenade launcher.
STAN: Huh?
PIP: Blokes, this is bloody well f*BLEEP*ed up right here.
AL: He's pushed me too far! There's no turning back now!
KYLE: Oh my God! We're caught in the middle!
STAN: It's a big gay war!
Jarring chord.
KENNY: (Cool!)
AL: Boys, I need some mercenaries.
STAN: Sorry, dude.
A searchlight sweeps across the area, illuminating them.
AL: Dammit! Run!
Everyone runs away from the searchlight. They crouch behind a dumpster.
PIP: Oh, what the hell. Let's sodding wage some war.
KENNY: (Count me in. It's been a boring day.)
KYLE: If Kenny fights, I do too.
STAN: Might as well.
AL: Super! Kids, now what we've got to do is destroy the heart of the sanctuary - the techno dance club. I'll give you some plastic explosives.
STAN: Yeah. Techno sucks ass.
AL: Shut the hell up, young man! I have no choice in the matter!
AL hands out some plastic explosives.
AL: Get into the back door! I'll give you covering fire!
He shoots grenades over the kids' heads and into the sanctuary.
AL: Move! Move!
The kids run off, to the back of the sanctuary. They ring the doorbell.
Inside. MITCH hears the doorbell ring.
MITCH: Go away! I'm busy!
STAN (trying to sound foreign): Apologies sir... but we is merely delivery men... we have... package for you.
MITCH: I don't remember ordering any package. What is it?
STAN: It is... plastic explosive.
MITCH: Plastic explosive?
KYLE: Er... we mean Mountain Dew!
MITCH: Oh! Well, come in.
They come in.
MITCH: Hey, wait a minute! You're just a bunch of kids!
KENNY jumps up and belts him in the head with a cosh. He collapses to the floor.
STAN: Um, I'm pretty sure we could have just talked to him.
KENNY shrugs. The kids go through a door into another room. It's the techno dance club. Various gay animals are dancing to the techno tunes.
STAN: We need to create a diversion.
KYLE: Diverson... diversion... Here we go!
He turns to a little glass box on the wall. Written on the box is: "BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF EMERGENCY."
PIP: Who'll do the honors?
KYLE: Let me try.
He breaks the glass on the box. No alarm rings, but a pair of leather pants fall out.
KYLE: What the hell?
STAN: It looks like... emergency leather pants.
He picks the pants up.
STAN: Hey guys! Leather pants!
He throws them out the window. The gay animals jump out after them.
KYLE: Right. Let's do it.
On CARTMAN, standing on the doorstep of the building he came to. On the building's featureless door. Pan up, revealing the sign above the door. It reads: "Big Straight Joe's Big Straight Hunting Preserve."
CARTMAN: Dude, this has gotta be the most f*BLEEP*ed up thing I have ever seen in my life.
He knocks on the door. BIG STRAIGHT JOE opens it. He's a big, flannel wearing woodsman type guy with tattoes on his bare forearms. Bob Villa does his voice.
JOE: Hey, who're you?
CARTMAN: I'm Eric Cartman. I have a little teense of a problem...
JOE: Yeah, I get your type coming here every day. Lemme guess, you want to be de-gayified.
CARTMAN: How'd you know?
JOE: I know everything. Take the fourth door on your right.
CARTMAN enters the hunting preserve. Inside, it's sort of a park full of scared animals.
CARTMAN: You sure do have a lot of animals here.
JOE: Of course I do, dumbass. It's the only place where big straight animals can truly be themselves.
Close up on a rabbit. It steps into a barbed wire noose laying on the ground.
VOICE (JIMBO): Thin out their numbers!
VOICE (NED): Thin out their numbers...
The noose tightens around the rabbit's head, chopping it off in a messy spray of blood and bone fragments.
VOICE (NED): That'll learn it.
CARTMAN: So they come here to get killed?
JOE: Can you think of a better use for animals?
They pass by a door.
JOE: It's in there.
CARTMAN: What is?
JOE: Big Straight Joe's Big Straight Roller Coaster.
CARTMAN: Dude, that's pretty unoriginal.
JOE: Listen kid, I don't need this. I could be sawing up wood with a bandsaw if you weren't here.
CARTMAN: Whatever.
He goes in the door and sits in the roller coaster. Music starts to play.
VOICE (singing): We're all straight, and that's just great...
In the sanctuary's techno dance club. The kids are laying plastic explosive charges.
STAN: Are we done?
PIP: One more.
He takes his shoe off and throws it at the disco ball. The ball shatters. He picks his shoe up and puts it back on.
STAN: What was that for?
PIP: Fun.
STAN: Ahh... right.
KYLE takes a blasting cap and puts it on a charge of explosive.
KYLE: Dude, let's get out of here!
They jump out of the same window the animals jumped out of before.
On MITCH, in the adjoining room. He gets up and looks in the techno dance club.
MITCH: No! No! Nooo!
He jumps out the window. A second later, the sanctuary explodes.
Outside the smoking ruins of the sanctuary. The kids stand there, as do AL, MITCH, and a herd of various big gay animals.
AL: I'm sure glad that's taken care of. Who wants tropical punch?
KIDS: Me!
A dog comes up to AL, looks at him guiltily, and licks his hand.
AL: There, there. All is forgiven.
JOE tries to sneak away.
AL: Not so fast!
AL takes a pair of leather pants from his pocket.
AL: Now you will face the wrath of the lavender coloured leather pants!
JOE: No!
AL lashes out with the pants, but misses. He hits KENNY, who is standing near MITCH. They wrap around KENNY's head like a bullwhip and yank it off. The head flies through the air, hits MITCH, and knocks him unconscious.
AL: Ick.
STAN: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
AL: Let's go get that tropical punch.
End of Act 3.
CARTMAN and JOE stand outside the preserve.
CARTMAN: Well, thanks for everything Joe.
JOE: It's all in a day's work.
CARTMAN: I think I have some unfinished business to finish.
JOE: Well, bye then.
CARTMAN walks off.
Inside AL's sanctuary, full of animals as usual. The three kids are sitting at a table with AL, drinking tropical punch. CARTMAN walks in.
CARTMAN: Get the f*BLEEP* out of here Pip! You little Limey freak! Go back to France you snail-eating communist hippie!
STAN: Oh look, Cartman's back.
KYLE: I was getting tired with Pip.
PIP: But... I thought I was your friend now!
KYLE: Not anymore.
PIP: I'm not your friend?
STAN: No. Go 'way Pip, nobody likes you.
PIP sighs.
PIP: Right-o.
PIP leaves. CARTMAN sits where he was.
STAN: Hey Al?
AL: Yeah kiddo?
STAN: What'd you do with Big Gay Mitch?
AL: Oh, I gave him a good home.
In JOE's hunting preserve. MITCH is hiding behind a bush. Zoom out to show NED and JIMBO hunting him.
JIMBO: There he is! The rare speckled banded albino spiny echidna of Nepal! The very last of its kind!
NED: To hell with quotas.
Closeup of MITCH's head. A crosshairs appears, centered over his right eye.
JIMBO (O.S.) Thin out their numbers!
In the sanctuary.
STAN: You know, I think I've learned something today.
AL: What?
STAN: Gay people deserve the exact same respect as everyone else.
AL: You're a very intelligent young man, aren't you?
STAN: And Cartman deserves the same respect as a dead Ethernopian crack whore, gay or straight.
CARTMAN: Hey! I'll kick you in the nut-sack!
STAN: And I think I learned something else. Plastic explosives kick ass!
Credits. Instead of the normal music, it's the theme from the big gay boat ride. Fade to black.
CAPTION: This episode is dedicated to the usual gang of idiots; Rob, Kevin, Cam, Steve, Chris, Alton, and everyone else. Last but not least, Andrea for being Big Gay Al's biggest fan, and Justin for being his biggest competitor.
Fade out. ---- Martin
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