Hello all you happy people! My third, no, fourth fic. I came up with the idea whilst playing the rather pants N64 game andwatching the video. (Sue me, I'm off school)
All comments and cristisms are welcome.
Mission: Not bloody likely
Scene: Cartman sits at his desk, staring into space.
Mr. Garrison: And that's why CIA agents are all deformed. Any questions?
Stan: Why are they deformed?
Mr. Garrison: A disgusting habit called inbreeding. Rabbits do it alot. (Bell rings.) Oh godammit, that's the end of todays lesson. (They all walk into the playground.)
Kenny: Inbreeding, isn't that like incest?
Stan: Sick dude! My mom says that if you're inbred, you end up gay and bald and have a stupid handpuppet that you talk to! (They all look at garrison.)
Cartman: AY YOU INBRED PIECE OF HIPPY CRAP!
Mr. Garrison: Yes?
Cartman: Nothing. (Looks back. See's a fat chick over on the other side of the playground. Madonna's 'Frozen' plays in the background. The girls wears a red coat, blue skirt and a green bobble hat. She crams snacky cakes and cheezy poofs into her mouth.)
Stan: Yo cartman, heellooo-ooo-ooo
Kyle: He's completly out of it.
Kenny; Ya think he's on LSD? (They look towards what Cartman's looking at.)
Stan: GOOD GOD NO!
Kyle: THAT FAT BITCH!
Kenny: And I thought Stan had bad taste!
Stan: Screw you! (PLants a punch on kennys head. Kyle waves a snacky cake in front of Cartman. He pushes it away and walks towards her. They follow.)
Kyle: CARTMAN! THINK ABOUT IT! (Cartman leans against the swings, making an attempt to be macho.) Cartman: Hey there sweet thang. Baby got it goin' ON!
Girl: Excuse me round boy?
Cartman: Yes, I am rather dashing aren't I?
Girl: Dashing? Get screwed. (The swing creaks. It topples over and crushes the girl.)
Girl's Friend #1: OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED SALLY STRUTHERS' DAUGHTER!
Girl's Friend #2: YOU BASTARD!
Cartman: RUN!
Kyle: WHy?!
Cartman: You three are my partners in crime now!
Stan: GODAMMIT!
Twenty years later...
Scene: Aeroplane. Cartman sits in a chair, slightly, no, obesly overweight. Stan, Has a gotee beard, Kenny, who wears a cap, Kyle, who wears jeans and has 'Death to Buddhas' on s shirt. A buddha walks by and punches him in the nose. all sit round him. Cartman pops a tape into the walkman and they all listen.
Tape: Hello mister Cartman. A law firm know as 'Microsoft' intend to take over the Cheezy Poof's company.
Cartman: Bastards...
Tape: Totally. We want you to infiltrate Bill Gates' house, trash his computer, break his glasses and spread a malicous rumor that he had a sex change operation. Your missions, should you decide to accept it, is to sabotage Microsoft's entire operation. If you or any of your comrades are captured or killed, the secretery will deny all knowledge that we knew you. This tape will become edible in five seconds. (Cartman pulls out the tape and eats it.)
Cartman: Strawberry. OK guys, are we taking it?
Kyle: Yeah, I need some new shoes.
Stan: My car needs a new tire.
Kenny; My porno collection is running low.
Cartman: OK then, we accept.
Scene: Bill gates' house.
Bill: Huh huh huh, this is gonna be so cool. I mean, taking over Cheezy inc. it's like building a PC with over a million gigabite harddrive space! And a gig's worth of RAM. Yeah baby. (Droools.)
Guy#1: Yeah, OK. (Walks off slightly scared)
Bill: If I own Cheezy inc. I'll rule the world! YEAH BABY! (Window smashes and Cartman walks in.)
Cartman: Freeze buttmuncher! WE know all about your plan.
Bill: Plan what plan? (A lead pole slips from his jumper. He makes an attempt to pick it up. He struggles and gives up.) Curse you computers! You made me a geek!
Cartman: You disgust me. (Pulls off glasses. Stamps oon them.)
Bill: NO! (Cartman boots up PC and deletes all his files. Then hits the tower with a hammer.
Bill: What did you just do? I can't see without my glasses.
Cartman: Trash your computer/
Bill: NO! (Cartman pulls out a laptop and logs into the main Microsoft personal website. He types. BILL GATES HAD A SEX CHANGE OP. And sends it to every PC in the world.)
Cartman: My objectives are complete. (Leaves through window.)
Bill: You bastard. My multi-billion company, ruined! (A man walks by with a laptop.)
Guy#2: YOU ! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Scene: CPP HQ
Kyle: What does CPP stand for again?
Cartman: Cheezy Poof Protection.
Stan: And why did we let him choose the name? Leader: OK guys, we have a problem.
Cartman: SNACKY CAKES ARE GOING UNDER!?
Leader: No.
Cartman: Woo! What a relief!
Leader: The CIA has records that you trashed Bill Gates' house. We need you to go and erase those files. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to remove these files. I will become edible in five seconds. (Cartman stands up.) NONONONONO! I didn't mean it! (Cartman eats him.)
CIA HQ
Cartman, Stan, Kyle and kenny sit on the roof whilst Cartman attatches a rope to himself. He's about to jump down a hole when a guard comes in.
Guard#1: SCARAMUSH!
Kyle: WHAT THE HELL! (Stan shoots him in the forehead.)
Stan: Bastards come near me I'll castrate them.
Kenny: Slowly?
Stan: Snail pace.
Kenny: Sweet. (Cartman jumps down. Everyone trys to hold him up but he's too heavy. He flys down the room and stops two inches above the floor.
Cartman: GODAAMIT YOU GUYS! SLOWLY!
Stan: YOU'RE TOO HEAVY! WHY CAN'T I GO DOWN!
Cartman: CUZ IT'S MY ROPE! (He swings round and grabs the PC. The floor flickers from Green to Red. He erases the files and tugs on the rope. Groans are heard from above.)
Cartman: You guys, today.
Stan; You're too heavy!
Kyle: Yeah Lardo! (He begins to climb the rope. He falls onto the floor, panting. He slowly raises up and he eventualy reaches the top. He get's up, turns round and Kenny falls down the hole. Kyle throws down the hook at it attatches itself to Kenny's foot before he becomes person pizza.)
Kenny: Thanks dude! (They pull him up with ease. They all run out the door and jump in the helecopter. It has trouble getting off the ground so the group get out and run for the edge of the building.)
Stan: How are we gonna get down?
Cartman: I do not know.
Guard #1: ABADOOTUKTUK!
Kyle: Huh?
Guard #2: FREEZE!
Stan: You wont take me alive! (He pulls out an uzi and kills them all.) He throws a rope down the side of the building and absails down. The rest of them follow and they run away.)
CPP HQ
Guy #2: Good work. We're sending you to England now, for your next mission. You'll be briefed on the way.
Cartman: Are we going First class?
Guy #2: No. You ate all our funds.
Cartman: AY!
Plane
Tape: Hello mister Cartman. We have the most deadlist bitch on our hands. Her initials are W.T , that's all we know. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find out who this bitch is and kill her. If any of your CPP crew are captured or killed, the secretery will deny all knowledge of your exsistance. This tape will self-destruct in five seconds. (Cartman instinctavly reaches out, as if going to eat it. Kenny grabs it instead and wolfs it down.)
Stan: KENNY! THAT ONE'S EXPLOSIVE!
Kenny: Oh Shit (Kenny's head explodes.)
Stan: OH MY GOD! THAT TAPE KILLED KENNY!
Kyle: YOU BASTARD!
Stan: That was different.
Kyle: Yeah.
W.T HQ.
W.T sits at a desk as her drones walk around.
W.T: I've heard a rumor that a group of men is coming to take us away. (The other leaders sit by her. A fat one, a Sihk one and a poor one in a pink parka.) Cartette, Kylio and Kennette, go find out where they are! (They walk off only kennette falls into the phiranha infested pit and dies.)
W.T: OH MY GOD! THOSE PHIRANHAS KILLED KENNETTE!
Kylio: YOU LOWER FORMS OF LIFE!
Piranha #1: Well then, we're on strike.
W.T: WELL SCREW YOU TO! (The wooden door explodes oppen and Cartman, Kyle and Stan jump in. Stan takes one look at W.T and spews all over the floor.)
Kyle: If Stan just barfed, that means...WENDY!?
Wendy: Ah, I see my mole worked.
Cartman: Yes, I did work. I want my payment.
Wendy: A years suply of cheesy poofs are outside.
Cartman: Sweet. (runs out.)
Stan: Why wendy? Why did you become a deranged bitch? We had something goin' on, why ruin it?
Wendy: YOU left ME
Stan: Fatass dragged me into it! He said that he squel if we didn't become a top secret organization that is so secret conspiricy theorists haven't even began to contemplate about us!
Wendy: Cartman? That bastard, he's escaping on a train. Go! GO! (Stan runs out, Kyle stands by Kylio.)
Kylio: I speak no good english
Kyle: What religion are you?
Kylio: I am Sihk.
Kyle: YOU GUYS SUCK!
Kylio: Jews are f*cking gays.
Train roof.
Stan: Don't move fatass! (Cartman turns.)
Cartman: Catch me if you can. (Runs off down the train, towards the front were a helecopter waits. Stan cathces up as they enter the eurotunnel.)
Stan: FREEZE! I HAVE A GUN!
Cartman: Goodbye Stan old chap. (He jumps, but misses. He lands in front of the train and is squished into millions and millions of pieces.)
Stan: Ah well, end of that.
Train cabin. Stan and Wendy roll around on the seats, kissing and 'getting it on'
Wendy: My names Wendy Testaburger.
stan: The names Marsh, Stan Marsh. Shaken but not stirred. (I walk in, holding sheets of paper that fall to the ground.)
Stumpy: NO NO NO NO NO! This is a Mission: Impossible crossover, NOT a james bond one! You are meant to be Ethan Hunt, NOT James Bond! SHE is the evil vilvainess bitch who YOU are trying to kill, NOT knock her up!
Stan: Screw you you Son-of-a-bitch! Who the hell are you anyway?
Stumpy: I'm the goddamn author!
Stan: GO TO HELL!
Stumpy: (BEEP) you you (BEEP) piece of (BEEP) which came out your (BEEP) mommas fat (BEEP) ass! so go back to your (BEEP) home and (BEEP) you dog (BEEP)(BEEP)! I'M IN CONTROL!
Stan: GET LOST!
Just then, a cow walks onto the rails and the train driver doesnt see it. It is run over and it causes the train to de-rail and run into a near by nuclear reactor. It exploes completly annihilating everything in a five mile radius. Nothing survives and all the cockroaches take over the world.
THE END
Stumpy: SEE! I TOLD YOU I COULD DO ANYTHING! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Stay tuned for the next fic of mine, ERIC GANDHI!