"So, *what* exactly do we need to arrange a bunch of colored rocks for?" I asked. "For the last time," Toni sighed, "to open a portal back to South Park." "Why's it take a bunch of colored stones, though?" I asked, dropping a red stone into place. Ye who makest a red = blood = death = Kenny joke shall die. "You ask a lot of questions," Toni grumbled. "I'm a kid, it's my job," I shrugged. Me, Toni, Kim, Lindsay, Kyle, and Lenni were arranging a shitload of rocks of various colors. The pattern looked suspiciously like an outline of Cartman, I noticed. Oh, and what was Kendra doing? Sitting against a wall, reading a book. I swear, if I were actually a girl, I would not be that lazy. Obviously, Kendra's more than just a female me. Putting a black stone into place, I paused to try and rub the soreness out of my lower back. The stones were fucking heavy. "Kendra, dear," I asked, loading every last bit of sarcasm I possibly could into the word 'dear', "would you mind getting off your ass and helping with this?" "I'm reading," Kendra answered me, not even looking up. "Yeah, so I noticed," I growled, and picked up a yellow stone. "What exactly are you reading?" She didn't answer. Grumbling to myself, I walked over to the part of the whatever we were making that required yellow stones. Just as I was about to put it in place, Kendra screamed "THAT'S IT!!!!" causing me to drop the stone on my foot. "AAAH!! OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!" I yelped, grabbing my injured foot and hopping around on the other one. I could hear some of the girls snickering, adding insult to injury. Needless to say, that was not what I needed at the moment. What I needed was a medic for my foot. "Sorry about that, Kenny," Kendra giggled. "Don'tsaysorrygetmesomethingformyfoot!" I hissed in pain. Then, amazingly, the pain vanished. I guess that when dead people are wounded, they don't hurt very long - which also explained why my multiple arrow wounds hadn't hurt for more than about 30 seconds. Letting go of my foot, I turned to Kendra. "Okay, now what prompted that scream of triumph?" Kendra stared at me in surprise for a few moments before she remembered what she was going to say. "This book explains about immortals in this world - there's some hardware problems or something in this world, so an immortal would be technically dead, as I'm sure you noticed, but kinda alive and unkillable." "So we're dead because we're immortals?" Lenni asked before I could pervert "hardware problems". "Pretty much, yes." "Done!" Kyle announced triumphantly, after putting the last stone in place. I eyed the pattern of rocks - it *was* a colored outline of Cartman.
"Don't even ask," Toni warned me. Producing a bag of something from her coat, she opened the bag and started sprinkling blue dust (don't ask, I was wondering too) around inside the stone outline, muttering something under her breath that I refuse to type here, because I don't have any idea whatsoever how to spell the words she said. Finally, she stepped out of the outline, and the whole damn thing began to glow. Okay, now don't get me wrong, I've seen a *lot* of strange stuff in my eight years (living in a place like South Park tends to do that), but this came close to beating it all. And came even closer when two incredibly ugly figures materialized inside the outline. Reflexively, I pulled my hood shut. "HA ahhahahah, yuu bisterds, wi no lit yuu goe bak hume," one of the two grunted. There was a collective groan. "Well, well, well," Toni growled. "If is isn't DocWonmug and his cretin friend roman." "Joy to the world, the trolls have come," Kim said, sarcasm pooling around her feet. DocWonmug decided to start babbling at that moment. "Wi keel Kimmie, an hes bisterd frnnds tu!" "*Kenny!*" I screamed at him. "Not *Kimmie!* *KENNY!!*" Doc responded to this by shrieking with laughter. 'Don't feed the trolls,' I reminded myself. 'They like being hated, they like getting response. Don't feed them.' "you dicks, hahahahahahaha" roman said. "Unimaginative piece of bullshit," one of the girls growled, I couldn't figure out which one. "I have a suggestion for you two," I told the trolls. "How about you die and rot in hell?" The trolls shrieked with laughter. "Yuu stoopid litl hoodboy," Doc retorted. "Wyfour yuu wer hood, ennywai? Yuu stoopid ugli litl pice of crap, yuu so pur yuu--" At about that moment, Lenni attacked Doc. In a matter of seconds, she had the troll pinned to the ground, and had broken one of his arms and had the other twisted behind his back. Leaning close to his ear, she hissed, "If you ever, *ever* insult my boyfriend like that again, I will put you through so much suffering, you will wish you had never been born, or hatched, or however you trolls spawn." "I'm sorry, don't hurt me," Doc whimpered, suddenly speaking somewhat coherently. Lenni still manages to surprise me constantly - this time it was with her protectiveness, and her fighting ability. Anyone who can subdue a troll to that point is definitely deserving of respect. "I won't hurt you any more if you and roman both get the hell back to whatever spawning ground you came from," Lenni hissed again. Doc nodded frantically, and I had to add yet another to my list of strange things that had happened today, as both roman and Doc disappeared into thin air. I walked up to Lenni. "Uh, thanks," I told her. "No prob," she replied. Toni was looking at Lenni in admiration. "I gotta hand it to ya, girl, you can really put a troll in his place." I think Lenni's ego meter jumped about twenty notches at that compliment. "Thanks," she...uh, thanked Toni. "Yo, kids!" Lindsay called. "The portal just opened!" "SWEET!" I think we all screamed at the same time. Kendra beat me and Lenni to the portal, and then Lenni and I jumped in at the same time. - The next thing I was aware of was pain. (And everyone dies of heart attacks from that surprise and I drown in my own sarcasm for that last remark.) Lots of pain. Pain abounding. The Fountain of Pain. Have I made my point yet? "Dude, are you okay?" a familiar voice asked. "STAN!!" I screamed, instantly regretting it. You guessed it - the yell made the pain worse. I opened one eye halfway. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Lenni, and Kendra were all gathered around me, looking concerned. Yes, even Cartman. "Geez dude, calm down," Stan said, surprised. "I'm calm," I muttered. "And to answer your question, I am in no way, shape, or form okay. I hurt, and I'm dead." "Not dead anymore, Kenny," Lenni said with a smile. I suddenly realized I was lying in her arms. "I'm not--oh!" I realized that I was breathing. And with pain like this, you can't be dead. "Sw--oww!" "Don't talk," Lenni advised. "It'll hurt more." I was afraid to even nod. "Incidentally, Kenny, you're in pain because of all the wounds you took in that other world," Kendra informed me. "The wounds themselves didn't carry over, but the pain from them did." "Which is why I had a splitting headache for a while when I woke up," Lenni contributed. I nodded very slightly. "I could get you some aspirin," Kyle offered helpfully. "Yes, yes, please do," I groaned, trying not to aggravate my pain too much. Kyle disappeared from my field of vision, probably running to his house to get the painkillers. Before long (either South Park is smaller than I ever noticed, we weren't far from Kyle's house, or he was REALLY anxious to get me those pills), he returned with a bottle of aspirin. I slowly got up out of Lenni's arms and stood up, taking the bottle. Eager to stop the pain, I swallowed probably half the bottle. "Whoa, ease *up* on those things," Kendra warned. "They're working already," I observed with a sigh of relief, not responding to Kendra. I began to feel dizzy, and let out a tiny moan. Lenni immediately grabbed my shoulders so I wouldn't fall over. "What's wrong, dude?" Stan asked worriedly. "Probably took too many of those pills," Cartman grunted. "Oouuhhh...I...I don't feel....so good," I was struggling to complete sentences now. I realized that Cartman was probably right. "Now how do we save him from an aspirin overdose?" I heard Lenni's voice, barely recognizable with the sudden deep echo I heard. The world blurred and dimmed to black as I fell to the ground. The pills had stopped the pain, all right... - "We don't," Kyle sighed, looking at Kenny's still form. Lenni had a melancholy look on her face as she gazed at the corpse. A tear, barely noticable, appeared in her eye. Kendra noticed Lenni getting misty-eyed. "Lenni, pull yourself together, it's not like his death is a big tragedy." That earned Kendra a nasty look. "Maybe not to *some* people, but to his girlfriend, it might just be a little heart-wrenching," Lenni said, angry sarcasm coating her words. Kendra backed up a step. "Geez, sorry! But you know he's immortal...." Lenni nodded quietly, bowing her head. "Yeah, I know. So'm I. So're you. It's just...I dunno, there's just something about seeing him dead..." "You haven't seen him die enough," Stan decided. "Yeah, after seeing him die week after week, you kinda get desensitized to it." "Just relax, you know he'll be back soon," Kyle said. "Yeah," Lenni sighed. "C'mon dudes, let's go to Happy Burger or something. Some junk food might cheer you up," Stan suggested, directing the last sentence to Lenni. The girl nodded, and all five kids headed for Happy Burger, leaving the rats to their feast. - end -
Ughk, the ending turned out way darker than I'd been aiming for...grah, I thought Kenny dying of aspirin overdose would be *funny*... Speaking of aspirin overdoses, I'm not sure you can die (or suffer the syptoms Kenny suffered) from overdosing on aspirin...but knowing Kenny's luck, he's the exception...
Alyssa