I just finished the first part of my latest fic. Please comment!
--- Vicks VapoRub Should Not Be Taken Internally A South Park Episode by Martin Hazelbower
Titles and theme song.
In MEPHISTO's genetic engineering lab. MEPHISTO and KEVIN are there, looking at a blackboard covered with complicated equations.
MEPHISTO (punching numbers on a calculator): There. If my calculation are correct, our little test subject should have been made exponentially better through the pattern of uranium treatments. Just think about it, Kevin!
KEVIN rolls his eyes. MEPHISTO doesn't notice.
MEPHISTO: Come, come... we can view him now. He was once an ordinary monkey -- now, well, judge for yourself!
They go over to a door. MEPHISTO opens it; they go in. Inside, there's some sort of animal in a cage. Zoom closer to it. As it comes into focus, it looks like a huge mass of asses with a monkey head sticking out of the top.
MEPHISTO: God, I love genetic engineering!
KEVIN puts his hand over his eyes. MEPHISTO starts touching the asses with his cane, counting them.
MEPHISTO: Over two hundred seperate asses! Kevin, do you know what this means?
Cross-dissolve to MEPHISTO on a podium, being awarded a big gold trophy that looks like an ass.
MEPHISTO (voice over): I could be awarded the Nobel Prize for Asses!
MEPHISTO takes the trophy and starts talking into a microphone.
MEPHISTO: Thank you! Thank you all! I just want to say, being awarded the Nobel Prize, ten trillion dollars, and a deed to the continent of Asia will not change me. I will continue to work alone in my laboratory, forging ahead and making important new discoveries in the field of asses.
Cross-dissolve back to the original scene. KEVIN shakes his head in disbelief.
KEVIN (muttering softly): Why do I hang around with this idiot?
Pull back, until the entire town of South Park is in view.
ANNOUNCER: Elsewhere in South Park, things were just as f*BLEEP*ed up.
Zoom in on CARTMAN's house. Inside. CARTMAN is sitting on the sofa, watching TV and eating a plate of something-or-other. KITTY jumps up and eats it.
CARTMAN: No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty! Ma, Kitty ate all my Sugared Pork Loaf and Onion Ice Cream Supreme!
CARTMAN'S MOM enters.
CARTMAN'S MOM: Are you still hungry, Eric?
CARTMAN: Darn tootin' I'm hungry! Kitty, you're a butt licker!
He smacks KITTY in the head. KITTY pisses all over him.
CARTMAN: Mom! Can we have Kitty put to sleep?
CARTMAN'S MOM: Now that's not very considerate for Kitty, is it? And we don't have any other food in the house.
CARTMAN: But Mom, I'm hungry!
CARTMAN'S MOM: Can't you wait, Eric? You just had your third dinner.
CARTMAN: Mom, I need to maintain my growing body! Do you want me to waste away into nothingness?
CARTMAN'S MOM: I'm sorry, I'm a bad mother. Of course I'll go down to the supermarket and get you some food.
CARTMAN: You better!
CARTMAN'S MOM leaves.
CARTMAN: Weak...
He gets off of the sofa and goes into the kitchen, looking for food.
CARTMAN: So hungry...
He looks in the fridge, freezer and various cupboards for food, finding nothing.
CARTMAN: There's gotta be something to eat.
He goes into the bathroom and looks through the medicine cabinet. There's nothing in it but a smal jar of Vicks VapoRub. He takes it.
CARTMAN: Hmm, what's this?
He looks at it.
CARTMAN (reading the jar): Vicks VapoRub should not be taken internally.
He looks around. When he's satisfied that nobody else is there, he unscrews the jar and starts to scoop globs of VapoRub into his mouth.
CARTMAN: Sweet...
In the TV room. CARTMAN is sitting on the sofa, eating more VapoRub. His eyes are bloodshot and unfocused, darting around randomly. CARTMAN'S MOM enters, carrying a lot of grocery bags. CARTMAN quickly hides the VapoRub.
CARTMAN'S MOM: All right baby, I bought nineteen pounds of Snacky Dough for you.
CARTMAN: Um, I'm not hungry anymore.
CARTMAN'S MOM: Are you okay?
CARTMAN sits there silently for ten seconds.
CARTMAN: Yes.
CARTMAN'S MOM: I don't know why I bother. I'm going to bed, Eric.
CARTMAN: Sure, just get out of here. Terrance and Philip is on!
CARTMAN'S MOM leaves. CARTMAN starts to eat the VapoRub again. He starts twitching violently.
CARTMAN: Where have you been all my life?
On the TV. It's a black screen with a green line running through it. The line moves up and down as people on the TV speak, like in Outer Limits.
VOICE (TERRANCE): There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust your picture. We are now controlling the transmission.
VOICE (PHILIP): We control the horizontal, and the vertical.
VOICE (TERRANCE): And the dirty farts!
Sound of a fart, causing big jagged lines in the sound measuring line. TERRANCE and PHILIP laugh.
VOICE (PHILIP): We can deluge you with a thousand farts...
Sound of a thousand simultaneous farts. TERRANCE and PHILIP laugh.
VOICE (PHILIP): Or expand one single fart to crystal clarity and beyond.
Sound of a gigantic, massive fart. It throws the sound measuring line into big jagged lines, then shorts it out with a burst of static. TERRANCE fades in on the screen, in reversed colors like a photo negative.
TERRANCE: We will show you images of awe and majesty...
PHILIP fades in, next to TERRANCE.
PHILIP: And images of my friend's dirty anus!
They laugh. TERRANCE punches him in the head.
TERRANCE: You're an asshole, Philip!
PHILIP: Me? At least I don't try to grope schoolchildren!
TERRANCE: I told you, I just tripped! And it was an isolated incident!
They laugh again.
CARTMAN: I don't feel so good...
He groans. His eyes become completely red.
CARTMAN: I need a drink of water.
He walks over to the kitchen and pours himself a tall glass of water. As he's about to drink it, he hears a voice from within.
VOICE (MR. HANKEY): Hellooo...
CARTMAN: Oh my God.
VOICE (MR. HANKEY): Howdy hooo...
MR. HANKEY jumps out of the glass of water.
MR. HANKEY: Hi, Eric!
CARTMAN: Get out of here, you weird little turd!
MR. HANKEY: Golly, that isn't very sensitive. Have you been using mousturising body lotion?
CARTMAN (ashamed): No.
MR. HANKEY: Well, you should. Otherwise your skin might become prematurely aged.
MR. HANKEY becomes blurred and out-of-focus.
CARTMAN: Mr. Hankey, what's happening to you?
MR. HANKEY opens his mouth and a cloud floats out. A neon sign falls out of the cloud. It says "CARTMAN IS A FAT BASTARD."
CARTMAN: You piece of crap! I'll kill you!
MR. HANKEY disappears. CARTMAN jumps forward at the empty air where he was.
CARTMAN: Ooh, I think I ate too much soothing throat balm.
He looks at the glass of water carefully, then squeezes his eyes shut and drinks it. He walks back into the TV room, to find MR. CRUDE sitting on the sofa. MR. CRUDE is a grizzled, deformed bum with an astounding amount of physical abnormalities; for instance, he has three arms and four legs.
CARTMAN: I'm not seeing this.
MR. CRUDE (he speaks in a Japanese accent): Maybe you are, maybe you aren't, Eric.
CARTMAN: Who the hell are you?
MR. CRUDE: My name is Mr. Crude. Please don't stare at my many physical abnormalities. I'm here to help you.
CARTMAN rubs his eyes, and MR. CRUDE disappears. CARTMAN runs screaming out of the room and into his bedroom. MR. CRUDE is in there, laying on his bed.
MR. CRUDE: You're in an altered frame of consciousness, Eric. You can't run from me.
CARTMAN: What are you doing here?
MR. CRUDE: I've come to warn you. You've eaten too much of this hallucinogenic ointment, and the consequences will not be good.
CARTMAN: But what can I do?
MR. CRUDE: Nothing. Tequila?
He snaps his fingers and a bottle of tequila appears in his hands. He takes a big drink.
CARTMAN: Does tequila go well with VapoRub?
MR. CRUDE: Does it matter?
CARTMAN: I guess not.
He accepts the tequila and takes a sip.
CARTMAN: Goddammit, this tastes like asshole!
MR. CRUDE: And I'm sure you've tasted a lot, kid. I'm outa here.
MR. CRUDE gets up and opens the closet door. Inside the closet, there's a lot of DRUNKEN JAPANESE BUSINESSMEN.
DRUNKEN JAPANESE BUSINESSMEN: Crude-san! Crude-san!
MR. CRUDE enters the closet and disappears from view. CARTMAN blinks, rubs his eyes, and looks down at the bottle in his hand that he thought was tequila. It has a sticker on it that says "CANADIAN WINE."
CARTMAN: Canadian wine?
VOICE: Do you know how they make wine in Canada, Eric?
CARTMAN screams and throws the bottle through his window. He holds his hands up to his temples.
CARTMAN: Gotta relax... gotta calm down.
He looks at his alarm clock.
CARTMAN: 2 in the morning? Man... I'm hungry.
He goes back into the TV room, where the jar of VapoRub is sitting on the sofa. It shimmers, and becomes a bag of Cheezy Poofs for a second. He picks it up and starts to eat more globs of VapoRub.
CARTMAN: Hey, the room is melting...
The morning. STAN, KYLE and KENNY are at the bus stop.
STAN: Where's Cartman?
KYLE: I don't know, dude. I phoned him last night, and he said some incoherent babble about Mr. Crude.
STAN: Who's Mr. Crude?
KYLE: Beats me.
KENNY: (Probably Cartman's anal whore.)
The kids laugh. CARTMAN enters, looking disheveled and messed up.
STAN: Hi, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Aaugh! Don't touch me there! It's my private area!
STAN: What?
CARTMAN: Oh, it's just my stupid little friends.
KYLE: Huh?
CARTMAN: I agree.
KYLE: What's with you, you scruffy, filthy slut?
CARTMAN stares at him for a while, then falls over.
STAN: What the f*BLEEP*k were you doing last night? You smell like ointment!
CARTMAN: Um... various activities.
STAN: Like what?
CARTMAN: Well, for one thing, I met Kyle's little turd buddy.
KYLE: You stupid fat-ass, you couldn't have met Mr. Hankey! Your smell would drive him away, even though he's made of sh*BLEEP*t!
CARTMAN: Don't mock what you can't understand.
He gets back up as the bus pulls up. The kids get on it.
MS. CRABTREE: Sit down and shut up!
CARTMAN: No, you shut up!
MS. CRABTREE: You shut up! Sit down and shut up!
KYLE: What's going on?
CARTMAN: Come over here and make me, or else sit down and shut up!
MS. CRABTREE: I'll make you! I'll kick you in the nuts!
CARTMAN: I'll kick you square in the nuts, until you fall on your knees and beg for mercy!
MS. CRABTREE: I'll tear your head off and crap down your throat!
CARTMAN: I'll pull you apart with my bare hands and sell you as dog food!
KYLE: Geez, Cartman! Sit down and shut up!
CARTMAN: No, you sit down and shut up! (to MS. CRABTREE) And as for you, sit down and shut up!
MS. CRABTREE: We're running late, so sit down and shut up before I run you over with my bus!
CARTMAN: Don't make me come over there!
EVERYONE ON THE BUS (to CARTMAN): Sit down and shut up!
CARTMAN: You're all against me! I ought to kick each one of you in the nuts!
MS. CRABTREE: What did you say?!
CARTMAN: I said, I ought to lick a box of Snacky Peanuts.
MS. CRABTREE: Oh. You might want to consider eating the food inside the box as well.
She drives the bus off.
STAN: Cartman, I'm not sitting with you. You're scaring me.
STAN sits next to KYLE.
KYLE: Is Mr. Garrison going to teach us Sex Ed today?
STAN: I think so. Maybe he'll tell us about making sweet love.
KENNY (You've gotta stick your penis in a hot slut's vagina.)
STAN: Virginia? Where's that?
KENNY laughs at him.
KYLE: I don't think Garrison would know about that.
STAN: Maybe Chef should teach him.
KYLE: Good idea. Chef knows everything.
CARTMAN: Everything?
KYLE: Yeah, pretty much.
CARTMAN: Good. There's something that's been bugging me since last night.
In the teacher's lounge. CHEF sits on a sofa, smoking a cigar and flipping through a Crack Whore Magazine. CARTMAN enters.
CARTMAN: Chef?
CHEF: Hello, children!
CARTMAN: I have a question.
CHEF: Well, fire away.
CARTMAN: Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?
CHEF: I was kind of hoping this would be a question about sweet love or salisbury steak.
CARTMAN: So you don't know?
CHEF: I'm afraid I don't.
CARTMAN: Oh.
He turns to leave.
CHEF: Wait a minute!
CARTMAN: Yeah?
CHEF: You look... out of it. Have you been abusing any nasty substances?
CARTMAN: Well... yes and no. Is Vicks VapoRub a substance?
CHEF: You've been f*BLEEP*ing around with Vicks VapoRub? The effects will stay with you for months after you use it! Please, tell me you haven't been smoking VapoRub!
CARTMAN: No, of course not!
CHEF: Good.
CARTMAN: Just eating it.
CHEF: Well, that's better.
CARTMAN leaves.
CHEF: That little cracker was EATING VapoRub? Oh my God!
A little chime comes from the microwave.
CHEF: Oh, good. My pork and summer squash frittata is done!
He takes it out of the microwave and eats it.
CHEF: What was I thinking about again?
He ponders.
CHEF: Oh well. It couldn't have been that important.
In the classroom.
GARRISON: And that's how you get rid of a body. Any questions?
WENDY raises her hand.
GARRISON: Yes, Wendy?
WENDY: How did you come by this knowledge?
GARRISON: Oh, nowhere in particular. Next on the agenda, Sexual Education. Now children, I must tell you that sexual intercourse is disgusting. It brings little whiny babies such as yourselves into an already overpopulated world, and makes the bed smell like fish.
CARTMAN: What kind of fish?
GARRISON: Codfish, Eric. Now, there are a variety of methods which you can get pregnant by. The first, and most popular, is by sexual intercourse, but it can also happen by kissing or sharing toothbrushes. Under no circumstances touch your lover, just to be on the safe side.
CARTMAN: Can you get pregnant off of a toilet seat?
GARRISON: You sure as hell can. Next, there are three basic methods to prevent pregnancy. Condoms: they're bothersome and unreliable. Saran wrap: it's sticky and messy. And finally, glue: it's quick, easy and one hundred percent reliable.
CLYDE: Are you sure the textbook says that?
GARRISON: Look, smarty pants; who are you going to believe, some dumb book, or me, the sexual dynamo?
CARTMAN: You can't really get pregnant off of a toilet seat, right? You're joking, right?
GARRISON: You can, Eric. Now shut up.
CARTMAN: No! No!
A thought bubble forms above his head; inside the bubble, he's sitting on the toilet.
CARTMAN: God DAMN!
GARRISON: Masturbation is an alternative to sex. It will make hair grow on the inside of your mouth and give you brain cancer. Soon your entire body will consist of melanomas and tumorous cells.
The bell rings.
GARRISON: Okay, it's lunchtime. After lunch, we'll talk about how to avoid sexually transmitted diseases by prayer.
In the cafeteria. CARTMAN goes up to the counter.
CHEF: Hello, children!
CARTMAN (sad): Hi, Chef.
CHEF: What's the matter?
CARTMAN: I can't say. But you'd better give me an extra serving -- I'm eating for two now.
He gets his food and leaves. The other kids come up to CHEF.
STAN: Chef, do you know what's wrong with Cartman?
CHEF: Hmm. Well, if I had to guess, I'd say he had a VapoRub flashback in the middle of Sex Ed class and took one of Mr. Garrison's delusions literally.
STAN: Wow! You're smart, Chef.
CHEF: Now, how about some of my famous chicken-and-potato borscht? It's fortified with Vitamin P!
End of Act 1. --- Does it kick ass? Does it suck?