The Curse Of Mr. Hat A Halloween South Park Episode by Martin Hazelbower
Titles and theme song. They show 'Special Guest Voice: Dave Brockie of GWAR'.
Fade to black. Caption: London 1888.
A dark, foggy old time street. A man lurks in an alley. He's dressed in dark, nondescript clothes. One hand holds a big, wicked looking knife; the other hand is concealed by shadows. A prostitute walks by seductively. He strides soundlessly out of the shadows and jumps at her. For a split second, the contents of his other hand are visible. Freeze on this second. It's MR. HAT.
Fade to black. Caption: Berlin 1943.
Fade to a huge crowd in front of a podium. Someone's on the podium giving a speech. Angle on the person giving the speech. It's HITLER, in front of a huge Nazi flag.
HITLER: Ich bein hund scheisse... eine kleine hund scheisse!
The crowd cheers. Pan down to his hand, hanging by his side. It's MR. HAT. Freeze.
Fade to black. Caption: New York, 1991.
Fade to a concert stage. WEIRD AL stands in the middle, one hand behind his back and the other holding a microphone.
AL: I'd like to dedicate this to all my friends... both of them... and my brother Big Gay Al.
Angle on his back. MR. HAT is on his hand. Freeze.
Fade to black. Caption: South Park 2015.
Fade to a street in South Park. Adult versions of KYLE, CARTMAN and KENNY are walking down the street. KYLE looks basically the same, just taller. CARTMAN is a big fat unshaven dirty drunken bum in a beer stained muscle shirt and overalls, wearing a hat that says 'SCOTCH' like the one KENNY's dad has. KENNY is wearing an orange parka that hides all his features like before, plus he's smoking a crack pipe.
KYLE: God dammit, there's nowhere in this stupid hick town with wedding presents.
CARTMAN: Oh, just do what I did and get them a mop. Chicks dig mops.
KENNY: (Cartman, it ever occur to you why you've never been laid?)
CARTMAN: I always figured my incredible good looks and charm made women uneasy.
He scratches his ass, protruding from a gaping hole in his overalls.
KYLE: I want to get them something good... Stan was my best friend and now he's going to be shackled down to Wendy forever. Hey, what's this?
He stops in front of a store with a sign in the window reading 'Madame Grizelda's Evil Trinkets'.
KYLE: Never seen this place before.
Pan down to PIP laying in the gutter, moaning. He's now a scruffy hobo.
PIP: Good day, gentlemen.
CARTMAN: Go away Pip, we don't have any spare change.
A bunch of change falls out of CARTMAN's pocket as he turns to scratch his ass again.
PIP: I suppose I'll have to trust you on that one.
KYLE: Get the hell out of here.
PIP: I do need some money. Would you be interested in a business transaction?
PIP produces a huge Ziploc bag of crack.
KENNY: (Well, I'm running a bit low.)
PIP: Surely.
KENNY hands PIP some coins. PIP gives him the crack.
PIP: Pleasure doing business with you, old chap.
KENNY puts half the bag into his pipe, lights it, and begins to smoke it. His eyes become extremely bloodshot.
KYLE: Take it easy, Kenny.
CARTMAN: Ever since they legalized this crap you've been using it instead of air.
They enter the store. It's a stereotypical evil curio shop, very dark and cobwebby.
VOICE (GRIZELDA): Can I help you?
Angle on GRIZELDA standing behind the counter. They walk up to her.
KYLE: I'm looking for a wedding present for my friend.
GRIZELDA: We sell many things here.
CARTMAN: Maybe something in a shriveled monkey head.
KYLE: Cartman, you stupid ass!
CARTMAN: Well if you're the expert, you find something.
KYLE: I will.
KENNY clutches at his chest and keels over dead.
GRIZELDA: Your friend appears to have died of a crack overdose.
CARTMAN: Oh, he does that all the time.
VOICE (PIP): No refunds!
KYLE: What's this?
He pulls a skull with a candle sticking out of it from the shelf.
KYLE: What a conversation piece!
CARTMAN: And just the thing for their honeymoon.
KYLE: Cartman... no, forget it. I don't want to know.
GRIZELDA: It's $4.95.
KYLE: Perfect!
He gives her the money and takes the skull. A little 'Made in Indonesia' sticker can be seen on it.
GRIZELDA: Would you like it gift wrapped?
KYLE: No thanks.
GRIZELDA: Then enjoy the object. But beware.
CARTMAN: Is there a terrible curse?
GRIZELDA: No.
KYLE: A hex?
GRIZELDA: No.
CARTMAN: Voodoo spell?
GRIZELDA: No.
KYLE: Than what?
GRIZELDA: That candle could be a real fire hazard. Place it on a non flammable surface.
KYLE: Oh. Sure.
CHEF enters. He looks a bit older than he did in 1998, otherwise the same.
KYLE: Hi, Chef.
CARTMAN: What are you doing here?
CHEF: Well, I'm a collector of things like these.
KYLE: Cool.
CARTMAN: Hey, what's this?
He points to a small door.
GRIZELDA: That is the room of the forbidden magics.
KYLE: Sweet!
They enter. CHEF goes up to GRIZELDA..
GRIZELDA: What can I do for you?
CHEF: You've gotta help me.
GRIZELDA: What's the matter?
CHEF (whisper): I'm havin' trouble in bed.
GRIZELDA laughs her ass off.
Angle on KYLE and Cartman in the room, accompanied by gradually building creepy music.
KYLE looks on a shelf.
KYLE: Oh my god.
CARTMAN: What?
KYLE: You can't be here.
CARTMAN: The hell I can't, I came in with you.
Music changes to 'Ode to Joy', the choral version that sounds really raw and apocalyptic.
Angle on the shelf. MR.HAT sits there, covered by dust. His eyes twinkle red. The music builds. His head twitches once.
KYLE: We threw you away...
Fade to black. Caption: South Park 1998.
The bus stop. CARTMAN, STAN, KYLE and KENNY stand there.
CARTMAN: Dude, this sucks.
KYLE: Stupid bus driver's never on time.
STAN: Totally.
The bus drives up. They get in. Inside the bus, MS. CRABTREE is looking really odd. She's all disheveled and filthy.
MS. CRABTREE: Sit down and shut up you little bastards!
They sit down.
KYLE: What the hell's with her?
STAN: I dunno.
CARTMAN: She's probably been hitting the bottle pretty hard, the God-damned fat ugly slutty friggin' cow.
STAN (giggles): Yeah.
MS. CRABTREE (O.S.): What did you say?
CARTMAN: Crap! (whispers) Help me out! I can't think of anything!
STAN: He was just saying that you were the nicest bus driver in the world, Mrs Crabtree.
KYLE: And you're not a dirty drunken bum at all.
MS. CRABTREE(O.S.): Well, isn't that nice.
Angle on her.
MS. CRABTREE: You kids are so nice.
She starts to smile for the first time in her life.
MS. CRABTREE: Maybe I've been sort of an ogre. But from now on, I'm going to change!
She smiles wider.
STAN: Man, do you think she really means it?
MS. CRABTREE (O.S.): What did you say, you little freaks?
The classroom. Everyone's sitting in it as normal, with GARRISON at the front. It's decorated for Halloween.
GARRISON: Now children, in light of the fact that Halloween is coming up in a few days, our friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us all about the origins of this great holiday.
MR. HAT: That's right, Mr. Garrison. Halloween began in the year 1537. Little starving peasant children all came up to the houses of wealthy lords looking for handouts on the last day of October. They were given pieces of food filled with poison and needles, because they were so poor and stupid.
GARRISON: Pay attention Kenny, he's talking about your little tramp ancestors.
MR. HAT: They all died.
GARRISON: Thank you Mr. Hat.
MR. HAT begins to talk again, although GARRISON's lips don't move. His voice is no longer GARRISON's. but very deep and demonic.
MR. HAT: The thirteen years have come again.
GARRISON: Mr. Hat, what are you talking about?
MR. HAT: My war begins anew, Garrison, and this time a few more tricks have I learned.
GARRISON: Mr. Hat?
MR. HAT: No longer will I be bound to this hollow shell. I have waited long for my revenge against pitiful Earth.
CARTMAN: What the hell?
MR. HAT: Two more days, Garrison, and then shall I exact my payment. You made the deal.
STAN: Dude, this is pretty *BLEEP*ed up right here.
GARRISON: Not... oh no.
GARRISON removes MR. HAT and throws him into the garbage can.
KYLE: What deal?
GARRISON: Er, nothing.
STAN: What the hell just happened?
GARRISON: Nothing that would concern you.
STAN: Oh.
The cafeteria. The four kids are standing in line. An announcement goes out over the P.A. system.
VOICE (announcement): Children, we have some good news about the Halloween dance. We've managed to line up a few bands to play for us on the occasion. We have Skrew, Wardog, Six Feet Under, Slayer, King Diamond...
The announcement continues to play on in the background.
KYLE: Whoa, cool!
The principal's office. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA and MR. MACKEY are in it.
VICTORIA (still talking into the intercom): Korn, Metallica, and Mercyful Fate.
She switches it off.
MR. MACKEY: Principal Victoria, have you wondered why nineteen notably evil heavy metal bands offered to play in our Halloween dance for free?
VICTORIA: No.
MR. MACKEY: Hmm... this could be some part of a pattern.
VICTORIA: Oh Mr. Mackey, can't you just take anything at face value?
The kids, standing in line for food. They come up to CHEF.
CHEF: Hello children!
KYLE: Oh, hi Chef.
CHEF: How's it going?
KYLE: Strange.
CHEF: Why strange?
STAN: Chef, Garrison was talking about the origins of Halloween, and Mr. Hat came alive!
KYLE: He said that the thirteen years had come again, and it was time for him to be released from his hollow shell.
CARTMAN: He said that he would reap a terrible revenge on the world.
CHEF: Oh children, that's a problem we've all had to face at one time or another, let me sing... oh wait... hmm.
STAN: You have any idea what's going on?
CHEF: God dammit! No! It can't be now!
STAN: Chef?
CHEF: It's been thirteen years already, hasn't it. This could be the end.
CARTMAN: What the hell are you talking about?
Appropriate music builds.
CHEF: When I first came to town and I got my job here, I walked in on Garrison one day at recess. He had that puppet on his desk, and they were arguing. Children, it was eerie. I talked to him after school was out, and he told me everything. You see, almost thirteen years ago on Halloween night, he saw a vision of himself rich and successful beyond all his dreams; and with it, the promise that only one thing could make it happen.
Cross-dissolve to a younger GARRISON without MR. HAT, sitting in a small dark room with an ouija board on a table.
GARRISON: Spirits, I have come.
He swivels the ouija board's pointer around.
GARRISON: Spirits?
Suddenly, the pointer begins to spin by itself.
GARRISON: Who are you?
GARRISON reads the ouija board's response.
GARRISON: My... name... is... Hatashu... but... you... can... call... me... Mr... Hat. Hmm. Mr. Hat, who the hell are you? I... am... your... salvation... and your... damnation. Wow! Can you make me rich? That... I... can... do. Yes! What payment do you want? You... have... thirteen... years.. of fortune... and... then... your... body... and... soul... are... mine... for all... time.
He ponders.
GARRISON: I can live with that. What should I do?
STRANGE VOICE: Nothing.
GARRISON: Huh?
STRANGE VOICE: It has already happened.
GARRISON looks down at his hand. MR. HAT has appeared on it, eyes glowing red. He's the one who's been talking.
STRANGE VOICE/ MR. HAT: Thirteen years, Garrison.
MR. HAT's eyes turn black again.
GARRISON: I can live with that, Mr. Hat.
MR. HAT (GARRISON's voice): Absolutely, Mr. Garrison.
Cross-dissolve back to CHEF and the kids.
KYLE: So what happened to his good fortune?
CHEF: Well, the next day he found a winning lotto ticket in a can of Spam. When he went to claim his ten million dollar prize, he met a lonely billionaire widow who he married. She died the next day, leaving him her entire estate.
STAN: What happened?
CHEF: He sold it all to buy 3.7 million cartons of pornography.
CARTMAN: Boy oh boy, I wish I had 3.7 million cartons of pornography right now.
CHEF: So he had no more fortune, but he had the world's largest collection of pornography. He left most of the pornography in a bank vault and traveled here to live a quiet life as a teacher and pornography connoisseur. But now the deal he made with Mr. Hat must be closed.
STAN: What'll Mr. Hat do on Halloween?
CHEF: Nobody has ever completed thirteen years with Mr. Hat before. They all killed themselves.
STAN: So...
CHEF: Children, I don't know. I don't think anybody knows.
STAN: Oh crap.
The classroom. GARRISON looks around and snatches MR. HAT out of the garbage can.
GARRISON: You're going on a trip, Mr. Hat.
GARRISON leaves the classroom, goes outside, and drives off in his car. A deserted bluff, overlooking the ocean. GARRISON drives up with MR. HAT in his hand. He gets out and gets a sturdy looking strongbox from his trunk. He opens the strongbox and takes a length of chain out, then wraps MR. HAT up in the chain and locks him in the strongbox.
GARRISON: Bye bye, Mr. Hat.
VOICE (from inside strongbox): Garrison, you are a fool to think that you can get rid of me that easily.
GARRISON picks the strongbox up.
GARRISON: That's not the right attitude.
He heaves the strongbox into the ocean.
The teacher's lounge. A TEACHER sits on a chair, smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. A black and white TV is showing a news program. Angle on the TV screen.
REPORTER: The small mountain community of South Park was struck by a disaster yesterday, the latest in a series that has included mutant genetic turkeys, cannibalistic zombies, ugly alien bastards, insane gunmen, exploding volcanoes, the Grim Reaper roaming the streets, and two separate eighty foot tall mechanized death dealing celebrities. Eighteen people were murdered last night by a shocking serial killer.
The TV screen switches to a shot of the crime scene. Many people are lying on the ground in various states of disemboweledness. Wolf tracks can be seen all around them.
The TV screen switches to a shot of BARBRADY.
REPORTER (O.S.): Officer Barbrady, do the police have any leads?
BARBRADY: That's a good question. Well, we're following it up as best as we can.
REPORTER (O.S.): How did you react personally to this shocking tragedy?
BARBRADY: It was nothing out of the unusual. Only three people died, if that.
REPORTER (O.S.): Eighteen.
BARBRADY: What?
REPORTER (O.S.): Eighteen people died.
BARBRADY turns and looks to his left.
BARBRADY: Holy smokes!
TEACHER (sobbing): It's not my fault... it's not...
KID (O.S.): Are you all right, Ms. Dorkensen?
TEACHER: Shut the hell up, you little monkey!
End of Act 1.
The school parking lot. GARRISON drives up in his car. He gets out; he has MR. HAT on his hand again. He looks down and notices this.
GARRISON: Aaah!
MR. HAT: Ha ha ha... you can never get rid of me.
GARRISON: Get away from me!
He tries to rip MR. HAT off, but he's stuck to his hand.
GARRISON: You dirty filthy bastard!
He takes a lighter from his pocket and tries to light MR. HAT on fire. MR. HAT remains untouched. Angle on GARRISON's ass. It bursts into flame.
GARRISON: Aieee!
He runs off.
Inside the teacher's lounge. MS. CRABTREE has left. There's another teacher inside, watching the TV and compulsively eating M&Ms from a bowl. He gets up and stares at GARRISON as he runs in with his ass aflame and jumps into the drinking fountain.
TEACHER (seductively): So Irving, what kind of hanky panky have you got yourself into this time?
GARRISON: It's not like that!
TEACHER: Sure it isn't. I'll be waiting...
GARRISON: I'm not even gay!
TEACHER: This is an enlightened age. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
GARRISON: Shut up!
MR. HAT's eyes glow red. The TEACHER suddenly explodes from the waist up, leaving only a charred, blackened crotch and legs behind.
GARRISON: What the hell?
MR. HAT: A small sample of my power. By the way, your name is Irving? Heh heh heh.
GARRISON: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
MR. HAT: Been there, Irving. But I didn't die.
GARRISON: Why did I agree to this? Why?
MR. HAT: Because you crave all sorts of dirty pornography.
GARRISON: Are you saying I'm gay?
A fancy hotel room. Several HEAVY METAL GUYS (long hair, vacant expression, guitars etc.) lounge around in it.
METAL GUY NO. 1: Geez, only two days left.
METAL GUY NO. 2: I know, this'll be the greatest gig of all time.
METAL GUY NO. 1: Well, not for the music.
METAL GUY NO. 2: Hell no!
METAL GUY NO. 1: How you doing with that amp?
METAL GUY NO. 3: It's almost ready.
He fiddles with the amp a bit.
METAL GUY NO. 3: Check this out.
He plugs the amp up to a bunch of stuff, then takes an ant farm from on top of the dresser.
METAL GUY NO. 2: Hey, those are my ants!
METAL GUY NO. 3: Don't worry man, it won't hurt them.
He puts the ant farm next to a speaker, then flicks a switch on the amp. The ant farm begins to tremble, then suddenly all the ants and sand shoot out of the top. Quick shot of the ceiling; it's covered with flattened ants. Back on the METAL GUYS; their whole room is covered by sand.
METAL GUYS: Whoa...
METAL GUY NO. 3: Hey Andy, do you still have those parakeets?
METAL GUY NO. 1: No, we blew them up in Annapolis.
METAL GUY NO. 3: Bummer.
METAL GUY NO. 2: How long do we have to perform for those kids?
METAL GUY NO. 1: I dunno, they never gave us a schedule.
METAL GUY NO. 3: The principal said we should just work it out among ourselves.
METAL GUY NO. 2: Nasty.
A GWAR GUY comes in. He looks like a complete idiot in a weird demonic outfit, his guitar has little arms and legs sticking out of it, etc.
GWAR GUY: Hey, we don't have enough rooms. Can I bunk with you guys?
METAL GUY NO. 1: No way, Earl.
METAL GUY NO. 3: And take that stupid mask off.
GWAR GUY: Mask?
METAL GUY NO. 1: Go away you noisy bastard!
GWAR GUY: I can tell when I'm not wanted. I'll be seeing you.
He leaves.
METAL GUY NO. 3: Hey, look at this!
He indicates the TV. On the TV, there's another news program.
REPORTER: And with me now is Officer Barbrady, the man in charge of the case.
Reveal that the reporter is standing in a pizza restaurant, next to BARBRADY's table. BARBRADY crams an entire piece of pizza into his mouth.
The reporter taps BARBRADY on the shoulder. BARBRADY looks surprised and spits the pizza out.
REPORTER: Officer Barbrady?
BARBRADY: Who?
REPORTER: You.
BARBRADY: Oh.
REPORTER: Why are you conducting your investigation here?
BARBRADY: Er... it's regulations.
REPORTER: Wait, wait. I'm receiving word of an important update on the story.
BARBRADY looks over at another policeman's pizza.
BARBRADY: That's a big olive.
REPORTER: Here now with a special report is a genetic experiment gone mad.
A weird looking guy stands by the side of a building. He has a MONKEY growing out of his head. The MONKEY snarls and spits a blob of phlegm all over his chest.
WEIRD GUY: What have I told you about that?
MONKEY: Ook ook. Eek unk ook.
The MONKEY takes a box of tissues from the man's pocket and cleans him off.
WEIRD GUY: That's better. To resume our story, there's been another series of murders; they appear to have taken place last night and bring the total body count to eighty-four. The police appear not to know about them yet, despite their convenient location.
Reveal the weird guy is standing by the police station; a huge pile of bodies lies on the steps leading in.
WEIRD GUY: With these two vicious murdering sprees in two days, the small mountain community of South Park is afraid to breathe. Let's get a few opinions here.
The MONKEY bends down and whispers something into his ear.
WEIRD GUY: No I'm not! Christ, sometimes I wonder why I didn't get you surgically removed a long time ago.
Cut to a WOMAN on the street.
VOICE: What is your opinion on the slayings?
WOMAN: The what?
Cut to a HOBO.
VOICE: How do you feel about these vicious killings?
HOBO: Lighten up, it's Halloween.
Back on the WEIRD GUY.
WEIRD GUY: Well, that about sums it up. Back to you Sally.
Back on the HEAVY METAL GUYS.
METAL GUY NO. 1: Bitchin'!
The South Park school cafeteria. The kids sit at a table.
STAN: You guys have your costumes ready yet?
KYLE: Yeah, mine's sweet! I'll have the best costume in the school!
CARTMAN: No way, mine kicks ass!
KYLE: If you show up as Hitler again I'll rip you apart!
CARTMAN: Oh. Yeah. Right. Not likely.
KENNY: (Screw you guys, mine's the best!)
STAN: Hah.
KYLE: What's yours then, Cartman?
CARTMAN: Er... a bold departure from the traditional genre.
KYLE: Huh?
WENDY enters.
WENDY: Hi, you guys.
CARTMAN, KYLE, KENNY: Hi Wendy.
WENDY: Hi Stan.
STAN: Hi Wendy.
CARTMAN: Whoa man!
KYLE: You didn't puke?
STAN: No, I've been careful not to eat anything lately.
CARTMAN: Ingenious!
KYLE: What happened to all your food then?
STAN points to the floor. Quick shot of the floor, piled high with old food.
CARTMAN: Er, I have to go to the bathroom.
CARTMAN gets off the chair, then crawls under the table and begins to eat the food noisily. WENDY sits in his place.
STAN: You coming trick-or-treating with us, Wendy?
WENDY: Sure.
CARTMAN (O.S.): No you can't!
KYLE: Cartman, didn't you go to the bathroom?
CARTMAN (O.S.): I came back.
KYLE: Oh.
WENDY: We don't have much time, though. We have to be at the dance by midnight.
STAN: I wonder why all those bands are playing free for us.
WENDY: Oh Stan, it's just a coincidence.
STAN: You think?
WENDY: Of course.
Back on the HEAVY METAL GUYS. Their phone rings. METAL GUY NO. 2 answers it.
METAL GUY NO, 2: Thirteen million to play in Dallas this Halloween? Hell no!
He slams the phone down.
Back on the kids.
STAN: Well, I guess.
KYLE: What's your costume, Wendy?
WENDY: It's a surprise.
KYLE: Cool.
STAN: So let's meet at the bus stop on Halloween.
CARTMAN (O.S.): One more day. How can I contain myself?
The bus stop. KYLE, CARTMAN, STAN, WENDY and KENNY stand there. It's evening.
KYLE: So let's go get our costumes.
STAN: Right.
They leave.
The bus stop. The kids are there again, in their costumes. KYLE is dressed as PHILIP, WENDY as a porpoise, STAN as a vampire, KENNY as a ghost (really cheap-ass costume; just two eyeholes in a sheet), CARTMAN as a cute looking kitty cat.
CARTMAN: So dudes, what do you think?
They all laugh.
STAN: That sucks!
KYLE: Aren't you just adorable!
CARTMAN: You're just jealous. And look at Kenny, looks like he found his in a dumpster behind the Salvation Army.
KYLE: You're losing your touch, dude.
KENNY: (Only way he'll ever get any pussy.)
KENNY laughs his ass off. The others act puzzled then join in.
CARTMAN: Laugh all you want, you bastards!
STAN: Don't worry, we will.
CARTMAN: I'll kill you, you son of a bitch!
WENDY: That is pretty lame, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Oh, and what the hell are you supposed to be?
WENDY: I'm a porpoise.
CARTMAN: What the hell is that?
WENDY: Well, it's a kind of-
CARTMAN interrupts her.
CARTMAN: Who the hell cares, bitch?
WENDY: A porpoise could kick your ass!
CARTMAN: Heh. Not likely.
WENDY: Could so!
WENDY kicks him savagely in the groin.
WENDY: Ha!
CARTMAN collapses to the ground moaning.
KYLE: Geez, and these things are endangered?
CARTMAN: That's a dirty trick, you bitch!
WENDY: Up yours, meow-meow.
They walk off.
Outside a house. The kids walk up and ring the bell. An OLD GEEZER opens the door.
KIDS: Trick or treat!
GEEZER: What the hell do you want?
STAN: Trick or treat... Halloween, you know.
GEEZER: In the old country, we had none of that! We would work for a living! We would pull plows and shovel mud! Why, in my day we didn't even have chocolate treats! We had bark and mud!
STAN: Did you like it?
GEEZER: Hell no!
The GEEZER slams the door.
CARTMAN: What the hell was that?
STAN: Who knows?
KYLE: Dammit! Everyone's so *BLEEP*ed up today.
STAN: Oh well. We have to get to the dance anyway.
The kids leave.
The TEACHER in a bedroom. She looks out the window; the moon's full.
TEACHER: Oh crap.
The hotel room with the METAL GUYS.
METAL GUY NO. 1: Hey you guys, it's eleven thirty. We should get to the gig.
METAL GUY NO. 2: Right.
They leave.
Outside the hotel. Many many METAL GUYS are going out the door getting onto a bus. There's a tattered cardboard box on the ground marked GWAR. A GWAR GUY sticks his head out of the box.
GWAR GUY: Hey, save some room on the bus for us, you know.
A METAL GUY goes over and kicks the box.
METAL GUY: You can't sit on our bus, pretenders!
GWAR GUY: Hey, GWAR has rights too, just like any living thing.
METAL GUY: Wrong, you false-metal bastards! You're not playing in our concert!
Everyone except GWAR gets on the bus and drives away. GWAR comes out of the box. There's about six people, all looking like complete idiots in various demonic costumes. One of them is ODERUS, the nominal leader of GWAR. Again, he looks like a foolish moron. His face is all rotting and he wears blackened iron armour.
GWAR GUY NO. 2: I'm tired of this.
GWAR GUY NO. 3: It gets so hard just to survive in this world... don't they know we have feelings?
GWAR GUY NO. 1: You know, I guess they don't.
ODERUS: I have an idea.
GWAR GUY NO. 2: What kind of idea?
GWAR GUY NO. 4: Are maggots involved? I have a special empathy for maggots.
ODERUS: No maggots this time, Ben.
GWAR GUY NO. 4: Aww...
ODERUS: Let's show them what we're made of.
GWAR GUY NO. 4: Maggots?
ODERUS: Besides that. Let's show them what we're all about.
He reaches into his pocket and grabs a big time bomb.
ODERUS: I'm tired of their bullshit! I'm tired of being bossed around!
He pushes a button on it. A digital timer on the bomb begins to count down.
ODERUS: It's time for GWAR's last stand.
End of Act 2.