I open a competition for the best fanfic. If you want to be a judge of the contest, post it to the NG, or if you have any submissions, post 'em to here. Then we can establish judges, a voting system, and all the other crapola.
Let's have a competition..eh?
Sep 6, 199916 posts by 8 postersalt.tv.southpark
16 posts
Yeah, okay. Here's my submission. :-)
SOUTH PARK Garrison's Secret by Steve Sutton
(The guys are standing at the bus stop.)
Kyle: Did you finish your book report yet?
Stan: Yeah, but I don't think I did a very good job.
Shelley wouldn't leave me alone and I had to wait till she
went to bed before I could do it. I stayed up half the
night working on that thing.
Kyle: That sucks.
Cartman: Man, if I had a sister and she pulled that crap on
me, I'd be like, "Hey! You go and get back in the kitchen
and make me some supper and wash my clothes
and...and...stop bothering me, or I'll kick you in the
nuts!"
Kyle: Girls don't have nuts, fatass!
Kenny: {Cartman's sister would.}
(Stan and Kyle laugh. The bus pulls up and the doors open.)
Crabtree: Come on, we're running late!
Stan: Again?
Crabtree: What did you say?!
Stan: Uh, again?
Crabtree: Well, that does it, mister. You've just earned
yourself one office referral! Now, get on, sit down and
SHUT UP!
Stan: Man!
(The guys get on the bus and take their seats. Cartman
punches Kenny and Kenny punches him back. The bus pulls
away.)
Cartman: You know, you guys are suckers.
Stan: Shut up, fatass!
Cartman: All I'm saying is, I'm going to get an "A" on my
book report and I didn't even have to write it.
Kyle: Well, if I had a mom like yours, fatboy, I wouldn't
have to write mine, either, because she'd do it for me!
Kenny: {Yeah, he'd just fuck her.}
Cartman (hitting Kenny again): You sick piece of crap! I'll
kill you, Kenny!!!
Crabtree: Is there a problem back there?!
Cartman: No, ma'am.
Crabtree: Then, SHUT UP KID!!!
(Cartman punches Kenny one last time, then settles down.)
Stan (looking at his report): Maybe Mister Garrison won't
even notice. Maybe he'll have a heart attack and die, or
something, before he reads it.
Kyle: Oh, he'll notice, dude. Trust me.
Stan (pausing): Dammit!
Cartman: What's that, Eric Cartman? Do you know something
they don't, Eric Cartman?
Kyle: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: Ah, gee, I don't know, Kyle. Maybe just a little
something about Mister Garrison that he doesn't want anyone
to know.
Kenny: {He fucks Mister Hat?}
Kyle: Really?
Stan: Damn, how can he [bleep] Mister Hat? He's just a
puppet.
Cartman: No, you guys, he doesn't [bleep] Mister Hat...not
that I know of, anyway.
Kyle: Dammit, Cartman! Tell us what you know, or I'm going
to take your [bleep] and ram it down your [bleep]ing throat!
(Kenny laughs so hard, he falls out of his seat.)
Stan: God, dude! Sick!
Cartman: You know, Kyle, you really do scare me, sometimes.
Kyle: Tell us, fatass!
Stan: Dude, I think you need to calm down.
Kyle (suddenly a lot calmer): You're right. I'm sorry.
Eric, would you please tell us what you know about Mister
Garrison? We really want to know.
(Cartman thinks the situation over.)
Cartman: Well, now, I don't wanna! So, there!
Stan (to Kyle): Easy, dude.
(Kyle steams for a few seconds, then grabs Cartman by the
shirt and starts banging him against the back of his seat.)
Kyle: Now, listen here, you [bleep]ing [bleep]! You're
[bleep]ing gonna [bleep]ing tell us or I'm gonna [bleep]ing
grind your [bleep]ing balls up and serve them to your
[bleep]ing cat! You get what I'm telling you, fatboy?!
Cartman: Hey! Knock it off, Kyle! Ay! Somebody get this Jew
off me! Kyle, I said knock it off! Miss Crabtree!
(At the front of the bus, Crabtree is now wearing a set of
headphones and is lost in the song "Moon River".)
Stan: Whoa! Chill, dude!
Kyle: Not until fatass, here, talks! Spill it, Cartman!
Cartman: Okay, okay! Geeze, Kyle, get a grip or something!
(Kenny finally manages to get up off the floor and get back
to his seat.)
Stan: Okay, Cartman. What's the big secret? How are you
going to get an "A" without doing the book report?
Cartman: Listen, you guys, all you have to do is say
"Barbie" to him. If you say "Barbie", he won't give you a
bad grade.
Kyle: You're a liar, Cartman!
Stan: Yeah, dude. How is saying "Barbie" going to keep him
from giving us bad grades?
Cartman: I don't know. All I know is he was going to give
Wendy Testaburger an "F" and all she had to do was say
"Barbie" to make him give her an "A". I overheard her do it
yesterday, after school.
Stan: Really? Wendy?
Kyle: Why should we believe you, Cartman, you fatass?
Cartman: I'm sensing hostility. I'm sorry, but I can no
longer communicate in this ENVIRONMENT!!!
(Cartman takes out some Cheesy Poofs and starts eating
them.)
Kyle: Fine, be that way! You're probably making it all up,
anyway.
Cartman: Screw you guys! Screw you guys!
(Later, Mister Garrison is lecturing to the class.)
Garrison: So you see, class, Kate Mulgrew wasn't the first
choice for Captain, but a replacement for someone else who
just wanted to be a total bitch. Now, are there any
questions?
(Stan raises his hand.)
Garrison: Yes, Stanley?
Stan: Why does milk go bad when you leave it out?
Garrison: I don't know, Stan, it just does.
Stan: Oh.
Garrison: Anyone else?
(No one else raises their hand.)
Garrison: Okay, then. Let's move on to the book reports.
Who wants to read theirs aloud first?
Stan: AAAHH!
Garrison: Problem, Stanley?
Stan: Uh, no...
Garrison: Good, so you were volunteering, then?
Stan: Uh, no...
Garrison: Well, that's too bad. Get your ass up here, Stan.
(Stan walks up to the front of the class with his report.)
Stan: My book report is on "To Kill A Mockingbird",
by...someone I don't know. It's about this...retarded black
guy...who goes around...eating kids...and having sex with
trees.
Garrison: Stan, did you even bother to read the book?
Stan: I tried, Mister Garrison, but my sister wouldn't let
me.
Garrison: Well, that's just great, Stan. You get an "F".
Stan: Dammit!
Garrison: Okay, who's next? Stan, you can take your seat
now.
Stan (pausing): Barbie?
(Garrison's face turns white.)
Garrison: W-What?
Stan: Barbie?
(Garrison is quiet for a few seconds.)
Garrison: Fine, you little bastard. You get an "A", now sit
down!
(Stan smiles and returns to his seat.)
Kyle: Hey, it worked!
Cartman: Told you guys!
Kenny: {He's hiding something.}
Stan: Yeah, I wonder what it could be.
Garrison: Okay, Eric, you go next.
Cartman: Sweet.
(Cartman walks up to the front of the class.)
Garrison: You forgot your book report, Eric.
Cartman: Well, so I did. Wait, now I remember. I gave it to
someone.
Garrison: Well, who?
Cartman: Let's see, who did I give my book report to? Who
did I give my book report to? Oh, yeah, that's right, I
gave it to Barbie!
Garrison (pausing): Does the whole school know about that?!
Kenny: {Nope, just us.}
Garrison (steamed): Fine, then! All you little bastards get
"A"s! Now, I think that y'all should just forget that you
even heard the word "Barbie"! What do you think, Mister Hat?
Mr. Hat: DESTROY THEM! DESTROY THEM NOW!
Garrison: Now, Mister Hat, let's not go getting ourselves
in a tissy. I'm sure that won't be necessary.
(Later, the guys are waiting in line to get lunch in the
cafeteria.)
Stan (singing to himself): You are my sunshine, my only
sunshine. You make me happy...
Wendy: Hi, Stan.
Stan: Oh, hi Wendy.
Wendy: Stan, I was wondering if you wanted to come over to
my house tonight for Bebe's birthday party? There's going
to be lots of cake and ice cream and fun things to do.
Stan: She's having it at your house?
Wendy: Yeeaaahhhh.
Kyle: Sorry, Wendy. Stan can't. We're going over to Mister
Garrison's house to find out what his secret is.
Stan: Whoa, dude! We are?
Cartman: Kickass!
Kyle: Yeah, dude. Remember, we talked about it?
Stan: No?
Wendy: Why, that's perfect! We'll all go together! It'll be
fun!
Kyle: No girls allowed, Wendy.
Wendy: Stan, you want me to come, don't you?
Stan (to Cartman and Kenny): A little help here, guys?
Wendy (screaming): I SAID DON'T YOU, STAN?!?! DON'T YOU
WANT ME TO COME?!?!
Stan: Yes, dammit, I want you to come.
Wendy: I knew you did, Stan. See you tonight!
Kyle (angrily): Aren't you forgetting about Bebe's party,
Wendy?
Wendy: Oh, that. I just made that up.
(Wendy walks away.)
Kyle: Dude, you're spending way too much time with that
chick.
Chef: Hello, children.
Guys: Hey, Chef.
Chef: What's happening?
Kyle: Bad.
Chef: Bad?
Kyle: Oh, sorry. I mean nothing.
Chef: Are we feeling blue, children?
Cartman: He's just jealous because Stan likes Wendy
Testaburger.
Kyle: I'll kick your ass, Cartman!
Chef: Oooh, that ol' green-eyed monster gotcha by the
balls, huh Kyle?
Kyle: What?!
Chef: Oh. Well, I guess I could've put that another way.
You see, children, jealousy is a perfectly natural thing to
feel...
Kyle: I'm not [bleep]ing jealous, dammit!
Chef: Now, children, you know I don't put up with that kind
of language. Maybe you should go talk to Mister Mackey
about this.
Stan: Yeah, dude.
Kyle: First of all, I don't need to talk to Mister Mackey.
Second of all, I couldn't care less what Stan and Wendy do
together. Third of all, I don't want to hear another word
about how I'm jealous of Wendy, because I'm not! I'm not
jealous of her!
(Chef and Kyle stare at each other for several seconds.)
Chef: Oh, I think you need to talk to Mister Mackey.
(Kyle angrily takes his tray of food and leaves.)
Chef: Man, that is one fudged-up little cracker.
(In the principal's office, Principal Victoria is busy
sharpening pencils.)
Garrison (in a self-induced, psychotic daze): Excuse me,
Principal Victoria?
Victoria: Yes, Mister Garrison? Come on in and have a sit-
down.
Garrison: That's okay, I just wanted to tell you that I
need to take the rest of the afternoon off to attend to a
personal matter.
Victoria: Oh, my! I hope it's nothing serious.
Garrison: No, I just need to dispose of -- run some
evidence. I just need to run some errands.
Victoria: Well, sure, go ahead, then. We'll just let the
children run amok for the next two and a half hours.
Garrison (starting to leave): Thank you, Principal Victoria.
Victoria: Mister Garrison, I was being sarcastic, there.
Garrison: Oh.
(There's a long pause.)
Garrison: So, can I go?
Victoria: Er, no, Mister Garrison. I think it would be
better if you stayed.
Garrison: Oh.
(Another long pause.)
Garrison: Mister Hat doesn't want to stay.
Victoria: Well, that's just too bad for Mister Hat, now,
isn't it?
(After another pause, Garrison goes back to his classroom.)
Victoria (sharpening pencils again): Mister Hat...yeah,
right.
(Later, Kyle is sitting in Mr. Mackey's office.)
Mackey: Uh, okay, Kyle, what seems to be the trouble, mmkay?
Kyle: It's so stupid, everybody thinks I'm jealous because
Stan likes Wendy Testaburger.
Mackey: Mmkay, well, uh, Stan's one of your little friends,
right?
Kyle: Yeah, dude.
Mackey: Well, how do you feel about him when Wendy
Testaburger's around?
Kyle: What do you mean?
Mackey: Mmkay, what I'm saying is, do you feel like he's
still your friend when she's around, mmkay? Or do you feel
like you want to chop his heart out with an ax, or
something, mmkay?
Kyle: Dude! What the hell are you talking about?
Mackey: Uh, mmkay. Young love is like that, mmkay? When two
friends, like you and Stan, like the same girl, mmkay? They
usually start feeling like they hate each other, mmkay? But
they don't really, mmkay? They just feel like they do. And
if they're not careful, they'll forget they are friends and
be left only with the hate, mmkay? Even after the girl is
gone. Uh, mmkay?
Kyle: Dude, Wendy's the one I hate, not Stan.
Mackey: Uh, well now I'm confused.
Kyle: Stan and I have been best friends since we were
little. We've spent almost every day of our lives together.
Then, that bitch Wendy came along and he got all hormoney
and started spending every minute he could with her.
Mackey: Uh, we don't say the word "bitch", mmkay?
Kyle: What?
Mackey: That word, "bitch", we don't say it, mmkay?
Kyle: Whatever, dude.
Mackey: And I think I know what the problem is, Kyle,
mmkay? You see, Stan has obviously entered what's known as
puberty, mmkay? That means he's starting to be physically
attracted to girls, mmkay? So, it's only natural that he's
gonna want to spend more time with them, and less time with
his friends, mmkay?
Kyle: Oh.
Mackey: Yeah, right now, you're dirty toilet water to him.
Kyle: So, you're saying Wendy's responsible for pubertizing
him.
Mackey: uh, mmkay.
Kyle: And, if she were dead, he'd be normal again.
Mackey: Uh, Kyle, I think there's been some kind of
misunderstanding, mmkay?
Kyle: No. There hasn't. I understand now. It's not his
fault, it's Wendy's for putting puberty all over him. And I
know what I have to do, now. Thanks, Mister Mackey. I
didn't think it was possible, but you've helped me. I'll
never forget that.
(Kyle gets up and leaves.)
Mackey (pausing): Uh-oh.
(Later, Stan and Kenny are over at Cartman's house, getting
ready to leave. Cartman is wearing army camouflage, black
gloves, and has shoe polish smeared all over his face.)
Cartman (checking his backpack): Beefy logs, Cheesy Poofs,
grenades...
Stan: Dammit, I wonder what's keeping Kyle. He should've
been here by now.
Kenny: {His mom probably grounded him, or something.}
Cartman: Yeah, that bitch ruins everything. Flashlight,
Snacky Cakes...
Mrs. Cartman (bringing Cartman a coat): Now, are you sure
you're going to be warm enough, hon'? It's awfully cold out
there.
Cartman: Yeah, ma, I'll be fine.
Mrs. Cartman: Well, why don't you make mommy happy and take
this coat with you. You never know when those nasty chilly
willies are going to sneak up on you.
(Mrs. Cartman tries to put the coat on him.)
Cartman (pushing the coat off): Because I don't want a
coat, ma! I'm trying to blend into the background!
Stan: Heh, yeah! The only thing you're gonna blend into is
the Good Year blimp!
(Kenny laughs.)
Cartman: Ay!
(The doorbell rings. Mrs. Cartman walks off to answer it.)
Mrs. Cartman: Why, that must be your friend, Kyle, now.
Cartman: It's about freaking time!
(Kyle enters.)
Kyle: Hi, guys. Sorry I'm late.
Stan: Where were you, dude?
Kyle: My stupid-ass parents didn't want me to come. I had
to wait and sneak out the back way.
Cartman: Figures.
Kyle: So, you guys ready?
Stan: Cartman?
Cartman (struggling with the backpack):
Just...let...me...get this backpack...on, you guys.
(Cartman falls over backwards.)
Cartman: A little help...you guys?
(On a street corner, Wendy and Bebe are waiting for the
guys to show up.)
Wendy: What time is it, Bebe?
Bebe: Almost ten-thirty. I wonder where the boys are.
Wendy: I don't know, Bebe. Stan would never stand me up,
he's too much of a hunky stud.
Bebe: And Kyle has such a cute ass.
(They smile and giggle. Officer Barbrady pulls up next to
them in his patrol car.)
Barbrady: Well, well. What are you girls doing out so late?
Girls: Nothing, Officer Barbrady.
Barbrady: Well, shouldn't you be getting home? Don't you
have school tomorrow?
Bebe: It's Friday.
Barbrady (pausing): So?
Wendy: We don't have to go to school tomorrow, Officer
Barbrady. Tomorrow's Saturday.
(Silence fills the air.)
Barbrady: You girls aren't out prostituting, are you?
Girls: No...
Barbrady: Oh.
(Barbrady drives away and the guys finally show up.)
Stan: Hi, Wendy. Sorry we're so late, Kyle's folks wouldn't
let him leave.
Cartman (without backpack): Yeah, stupid [bleep]s.
Kyle: Don't call my mom and dad [bleep]s, fatass!
Cartman: Well, why the hell not? That's what they are. And
stop calling me fat! I'm not fat, I just have puffy skin!
Wendy: That's okay, Stan. Let's get going, okay?
Stan: Sure, Wendy.
Bebe: Yeah, Kyle, you can walk ahead of me.
Kyle: 'Kay...
(They walk off. Elsewhere, at Mister Garrison's house,
Garrison is sitting, naked, in a dark room with something
in his left hand.)
Garrison: I'm afraid our time has come to an end, Miss
Barbie. You can pleasure me one last time, but then it's
off to the furnace with you.
(He puts the object between his legs and an expression of
extreme satisfaction crosses his face.)
Garrison: Oh, Miss Barbie, you naughty, naughty girl.
(At the Broslovski house, Gerald and Sheila are sound
asleep when the telephone rings.)
Gerald (answering it): Mmm, hello?...Yes?...What about
him?...No, he's in bed...Yes, I'm sure...No, I'm not going
to check...Uh-huh...Oh...And you waited this late to
call...Okay...That's all right...Thanks for the
concern...Okay, bye.
(Gerald hangs up the phone.)
Sheila: Who was it, dear?
Gerald: Mister Mackey, from the school. Seems to think
Kyle's on a murderous rampage, or something.
Sheila: That's nice, dear. Go back to sleep.
Gerald: Mmm.
(Elsewhere, the guys, Wendy and Bebe are still walking down
the street. Bebe is keeping a steady eye on Kyle's butt.)
Bebe (to herself, smiling): Yeah, baby, way to stretch
those pants!
Wendy: Stan, how much farther is it? I have to pee.
Stan: Not far, I think we're almost there.
Kenny: {Pee in the woods.}
Wendy: Eewww, gross, Kenny! Woods pee is gross!
Cartman: You guys, I'm getting seriously...tired...back
here. If only...I had...some...Cheesy Poofs or...Snacky
Cakes...to sustain me.
Kyle: Yeah, pee in the woods. There's no sense in holding
it in, you could hurt yourself.
Wendy: Well, okay, but no peeking, Stan...unless you really
want to.
Stan: Oh, brother!
(Wendy goes off into the woods to pee.)
Kyle: I've gotta pee, too. You guys go ahead, we'll catch
up with you.
(The others continue on, but Bebe stays behind and glares
at Kyle.)
Kyle (shrugging): What?
(She soon turns and joins the others. Kyle removes a
hatchet from under his coat and follows Wendy into the
woods.)
Wendy (dropping her pants and beginning to pee): Ahh,
that's better.
Kyle: You!
Wendy (spinning around, still peeing): Eeek!
Kyle: You're the reason Stan doesn't want to hang out with
us, anymore! I'm not going to let you take him away from
us, Wendy!
Wendy: Kyle! What are you doing here?!
Kyle: Something I should've done a long time ago!
Wendy: Well, I'm kind of busy right now, Kyle!
Kyle (pausing): Well, yes, I can see that. Okay, I'll wait.
Wendy: Do you MIND?!
(After a few seconds, he turns and faces the other way.)
Kyle: Just let me know when you're done.
(Several more seconds pass.)
Wendy: Okay, Kyle, you can turn around now.
(Kyle turns around and looks at her.)
Kyle: Okay.
(They stare at each other, then Kyle raises the hatchet and
charges. Wendy screams and runs away from him, going deeper
into the woods. He, eventually, traps her between a few
trees.)
Kyle: Time for you to die, Wendy!
Wendy: No, Kyle! Don't!
(Kyle raises the hatchet above his head, roars in anger,
and thrusts it downward. At the last second, he turns it
away and it plunges into a tree.)
Kyle (annoyed): Dammit!
(He hops up against the tree and tries to yank the hatchet
out, but it won't budge. Wendy growls and snarls, and
knocks him to the ground and starts beating the crap out of
him.)
Wendy (very pissed): WHAT THE [bleep] DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
[bleep]ING DOING, YOU [bleep]ING SON OF A BITCH [bleep]
HOLE?!?! IF YOU EVER [bleep]ING TRY ANY [bleep]ING THING
LIKE THAT AGAIN, YOU'RE GONNA BE [bleep]ING [bleep]ING THE
INSIDE OF A [bleep]ING [bleep], YOU [bleep]ING DICK!
(Kyle manages to push her off him and starts beating the
crap out of her.)
Kyle: Yeah? Well, you better stop giving Stan [bleep]ing
puberties and cooties, bitch, or you're gonna face the
wrath of an angry Jew...more so...and I'll kick your [bleep]
ing ass, Wendy!
Wendy: Ow! Stop it, Kyle! You're hurting me!
Kyle (stopping): Really? I mean...good!
(Kyle continues beating the crap out of her.)
Wendy: Ow!
(Eventually, he falls back on his back, out of breath.)
Kyle (panting): Ya know, there's...gotta be...a better
way...to handle this.
(A few seconds pass.)
Kyle: Are you okay, Wendy?
Wendy (sitting up, sniffing): I think so. You know, it's
not our fault Stan and I like each other, Kyle. We just do.
Kyle: It is your fault. You're the one screwing him up with
all your puberties, Wendy!
Wendy: Listen, I don't know who you've been talking to, but
that's NOT the way it works.
Kyle: Yes, it is, Mister Mackey told me.
Wendy: Yeah, well, Mister Mackey's full of [bleep], Kyle.
Kyle (pausing): You're just trying to confuse me.
Wendy: No, I'm not. Stan and I just really, really like
being together, and that's all. That doesn't mean he's
going to stop being your friend.
Kyle: It doesn't?
Wendy: No, Kyle. So, there's really no reason to be so
bitchy about it.
Kyle: I guess not.
Wendy: So, are we friends again?
Kyle (chuckling): Yeah, right! We were never really
friends, Wendy. I still don't like you.
Wendy (standing up): Fine! You can just go [bleep]
yourself, then!
(She walks off.)
Kyle (standing up): Fine! I will! No, wait a minute...
(He stares in her direction for a moment, then starts
walking in the opposite direction, and begins singing to
the tune of the Simon & Garfunkel song "Bookends".)
Kyle (singing): Why did I try to hack up my best friend's
girlfriend?
I don't know.
Could it be jealousy?
Or maybe insanity.
I would have en-joy-ed splitting her
skull open.
Why didn't I?
Why [bleep]ing didn't I?
She would be dead now.
(Elsewhere, the others finally arrive at Mr. Garrison's
house. They sit down on the ground to rest for a few
minutes.)
Stan: Damn, who the hell knew Mister Garrison lived so far
away?
Bebe: So, what do we do now, Stan?
Stan: I don't know, this was Kyle's idea. I guess we just
wait for him and Wendy to get here.
(Kenny takes out a slice of bread and starts eating it.)
Stan: Damn, why didn't I think of that?
(Kenny stops eating, looks at Stan, then tears off two
portions and gives each to Stan and Bebe.)
Stan: Thanks, dude.
Bebe: Thank you, Kenny.
(Everybody starts eating their piece of bread.)
Cartman (staring at Kenny): Ahem.
(Kenny ignores him.)
Cartman (jabbing Kenny with his elbow): Ahem!
(Kenny still ignores him.)
Cartman (attacking Kenny): GIMME THAT FREAKING BREAD,
KENNY!!!
Kenny: {Fuck you, fatass!}
(He punches Cartman in the nuts. Cartman grabs his nuts and
falls over in pain.)
Cartman: God DAMMIT!!!
(Kenny finishes off his bread.)
Stan: Hey, here comes Kyle, now.
Bebe: Hi, Kyle.
Kyle: Hi, guys. Is everybody ready?
Stan: Yeah, dude. Where's Wendy?
Kyle: You mean she's not here yet?
Stan: No, we haven't seen her.
Kyle: Oh. Well, she said something about...feeling bad. I
think she went back home.
Stan: Oh.
Bebe: Did she say what was wrong, Kyle?
Kyle: I don't think so.
Bebe: I'd better go check on her and make sure she's okay.
You guys don't mind, do you?
Stan: No, go ahead.
Kyle: Yeah, we understand.
Kenny: {Later, Bebe.}
Bebe: You guys are so sweet. Bye!
(Bebe leaves.)
Stan: Bitch.
(Kenny laughs.)
Kyle (chuckling): Dude?!
Stan: Dude, who wants a bunch of stupid girls hanging
around all the time?
Kenny {Yeah, girls suck.}
Cartman (still in pain): Yeah...Dammit, Kenny!
Stan: Come on, guys. Let's go find out what Mister Garrison
is up to.
Cartman (slowly standing up): Let's see, it's after
midnight. He's probably asleep.
Stan: I don't think so, Cartman. There's a light on in the
basement window and smoke coming out of the chimney.
(They all walk over to the basement window and try to look
through it.)
Kyle: Dammit, this thing is filthy!
Stan: Spit on it and clean it, Kenny.
Kenny (pausing): {Fuck you.}
Kyle: Dude, don't be such a dick. Just spit on it and clean
it.
Cartman: Yeah, Kenny!
(Grumbling angrily, Kenny spits on the window and starts
wiping it with his arm. Suddenly, the glass breaks and he
falls through it and lands in the middle of a large pile of
naked Barbie dolls.)
Stan: Oh, my go--
(Kenny lifts his head up out of the pile and continues
grumbling.)
Stan: Oh, never mind.
Garrison (holding a shovel and wearing nothing but a shirt
tied around his waist): Okay, whoever that is, I've got a
gun!
Stan: Quick, dudes, into the Barbies!
(Stan and Kyle dive through the window and bury themselves
in the dolls, but Cartman gets stuck. Kenny goes back down
with them.)
Cartman (panicking): You guys?! Help me!
Kyle: You know, Stan, we could've just ran for it.
Stan (pausing): Damn.
Garrison: Eric, what the hell are you doing here?!
Cartman: Nothing, Mister Garrison.
Garrison: Oh, don't give me that, you fat piece of [bleep]!
You came here to spy on me, didn't you?
Kyle: Dude, what reeks?
Cartman: No, Mister Garrison, I was just...admiring...your
lovely basement.
Garrison: Yeah, and Barney the dinosaur is a good role
model. You get yourself down here, right now, Eric!
Cartman: I can't! I'm stuck!
Garrison: Well, get yourself unstuck, then!
(Kenny sniffs one of the Barbie dolls.)
Kenny: {Phew! Smells like dick juice!}
Kyle: You mean pee?
Kenny: {No, dude, the other kind.}
Stan: What other kind?
(A few seconds later, they come bursting out of the pile of
dolls, screaming.)
Garrison: What the...
(They run around, screaming and wiping at their clothes.)
Kyle: Dammit! Get this [bleep]ing [bleep] off me!!!
Stan: A shower! I need a shower! GIMME A GODDAMN SHOWER!!!
Garrison: Okay, everybody just SHUT THE [bleep] UP!
Kyle: You're a [bleep]ing weirdo, you know that, Mister
Garrison?!
Garrison (to himself): Fine, Plan-C, then...
Stan: Yeah, you [bleep]ing [bleep]!
Garrison: Children, if you'll let me, I can explain.
Kyle: Oh, boy! THIS should be [bleep]ing good!
Garrison: You see, I don't know what you think is going on
here, but all I'm doing is burning these defective Barbie
dolls to protect the environment.
Stan: Yeah, tell us another one, you sick bastard!
Garrison: It's true, Stanley. Every now and then, the
company that makes these dolls forgets to add a chemical
that keeps them from decomposing and releasing noxious
fumes into the atmosphere, so they send them to me to
destroy, because I use to work there.
(Silence fills the room.)
Stan: Oh. Well, that makes a lot of sense, dude.
Kyle: Yeah, it sort of does...I guess.
Stan: Yeah, I guess we owe you an apology.
Garrison: Well, I'll tell you what, boys. If you help me
load the rest of these dolls into this furnace, we'll
forget all about it.
(Cartman finally manages to free himself and falls into the
pile of dolls.)
Cartman: Ow! God, it smells like my mom's perfume in here.
(Kenny laughs.)
Stan: Come on, fatboy. We have to help Mister Garrison
protect the environment.
Garrison: Well, Mister Hat, I guess I covered that up
pretty well.
Mr. Hat: You sure did, Mister Garrison.
(The guys grab shovels and start shoveling Barbie dolls
into the furnace. When the pile is almost gone, Garrison
stops, takes off his glasses and wipes the sweat off his
face with a towel. Kenny moves in closer to the pile so he
can reach it without stretching. Garrison starts shoveling
again and scoops up Kenny, tosses him into the furnace and
shuts the blast door.
Garrison: Well, I guess that just about does it.
(Kenny screams, bursts into flames and turns into dust.)
Stan: Oh, my god! They've killed Kenny!
Kyle (raising his fist into the air): You bastards!
Garrison: What? Who killed Kenny?
Kyle (raising his fist into the air): You, bastard!
Garrison: Well, I'm a "he", not a "they", kids. Anyway,
thanks for all your help. You boys should probably be
running along home now, since it is three A.M.
Stan: Yeah, it's kinda late. Come on, you guys. I'm tired,
let's go home.
(They head for the basement stairs.)
Kyle: Goodnight, Mister Garrison.
Stan: Yeah, see ya.
Garrison: See you Monday, boys.
(They leave the house through the front door and begin the
long walk home.)
Kyle: You know, I learned something today. I learned not to
judge people based on what you hear about them, and that
friendship is...
Cartman: Kyle?
Kyle: What, Cartman?!
Cartman: Do me a favor and shut the [bleep] up?
Kyle: Fine.
Stan: Hey, Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah, Stan?
Stan: Just so you know, Wendy's just my girlfriend, but
you're my best friend. If it came down to a choice between
you and her, she would lose every time.
Kyle: Thanks, dude. I think I needed to hear that.
Cartman: Geeze, guys, get a room or something.
Stan: Shut up, Cartman.
(Elsewhere, Wendy has gotten herself lost in the woods.)
Wendy: Guys? You guys! This isn't funny, anymore! IS
ANYBODY LISTENING TO ME?!?!THE END
suttsteve wrote in message ...
Whoa dude, that was pretty fucked up! Actually, that was really, really good. You got the language down and a story that fits with SouthPark. Better copyright that one.
Nah, it's already all over the Web, along with my others. Thanks, though. :-)
Steve Sutton Springfield, GA
Actually, at the end of the year, we'll be having our second annual fanfic awards, which gives anybody in the newsgroup a chance to vote for their favorite fanfic in many categories... kind of like the Academy Awards, but not.
the_davester http://www.geocities.com/~dgisoft/nirvana/ "Teenage angst has paid off well, now I'm bored and old" "I miss the comfort in being sad" -- Nirvana "Everyone is entitled to their opinions -- no matter how wrong they are" "Sentience is overrated" --Me
In article , Drew Thomas wrote:
Then that can be the closing date...say 31 December. Up until then, people can ask to be judges and submit their fanfics. On New Year's Eve, or maybe a few days after, we all vote and then have quarter-finals, semi-finals and finals.
In article ,
That reminds me...if I finish my 'Secrets' fanfic by 31 December, can I submit that?
In article , the_davester writes with this very pen that he holds in his hands...
Very well; I accept. Here's my entry.
Mr. Dead
"Mr. Dead: Making the world safer for those who aren't living!" members.tripod.com/Mister_Dead/index/sphaven.html
Independence Gay By Chris Anderson
[Warnings, song, and titles.]
[Ext. view, space. Several spacecraft come into the scene and hover in place. We can hear the ships communicating. It sounds like gay cows.]
SPACECRAFT #1: (In subtitles.) Sir, we are in position. Shall we commence?
SPACECRAFT #2: (In subtitles.) Not yet, Silly Billy. My crumpets are done yet.
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
MR. GARRISON: All right, class...
[Int. view, South Park Elementary. For once the kids are all in their seats
and quiet. Mr. Garrison is at the front of the room.]
MR. GARRISON: ...Today we're going to learn all about "Three's Company."
[The class groans.]
MR. GARRISON: Now, to the trained eye, it's obvious that John Ritter was playing a gay man trying to act un-gay so that he wouldn't be shunned by society but was acting like a gay man around Mr. Roper because they had a mutual sexual attraction to each other. Are there any questions?
[Pip raises his hand.]
PIP: Um...Mr. Garrison, sir?
MR. GARRISON: This better be good, Pip, or else I'll have your ass deported
back to France.
[The class, except for Pip, laughs.]
PIP: Righto. I was wondering: what does this have to do with mathematics?
MR. GARRISON: Nothing. Now, class, because Pip doubted my teaching skills,
we're going to have a pop quiz...
[The class groans.]
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically.) Oh, thank you ever so much, Pip! Ah always wanted an excuse to kick your ass!
MR. GARRISON: ...And everyone's grade in math will be determined by one person's answer, so you'd all better do a good job if you want to pass. Who
should we pick to be our one person, Mr. Hat?
CARTMAN: (To himself.) Please be Wendy...Please be Wendy...Please be Wendy...
STAN: (To himself.) Please not Cartman... Please not Cartman... Please not Cartman...
KYLE: (To himself.) Please not fat-ass... Please not fat-ass... Please not fat-ass...
WENDY: (To herself.) Please pick me...Please pick me...Please pick me...
KENNY: (To himself.) Mnnmnm mnm mnnmnmnm...Mnnmnm mnm mnnmnmnm... Mnnmnm mnm mnnmnmnm...
MR. HAT: Hmm... Let's see, Mr. Garrison...How about Eric Cartman?
[The whole class groans.]
KYLE: (Sarcastically.) Oh, I didn't see that coming.
CARTMAN: Super weak.
MR. GARRISON: OK, class, here's your question: In which season of Knight Rider did KITT suddenly become a convertible? And remember, no cheating. If anyone cheats or tries to help Eric, Eric will get an F and you'll all fail math and you'll all have to be in the third grade again next year.
[The lunch bell rings.]
MR. GARRISON: Well, I guess we'll have to put off the quiz until another day. Everyone downstairs for lunch.
[Ext. view, space. The ships are communicating again.]
SPACECRAFT #1: (In subtitles.) Sir, all weapons systems are online and functioning at 100%. Shall we commence with our initial attack?
SPACECRAFT #2: (In subtitles.) That would be super! Commence the attack! Say, would you boys over there like some of my crumpets? They're to die for!
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are standing there. Suddenly, they are bathed in a green light. When the light goes away, all four of them are dressed just like Big Gay Al except with their hats, or hood, in Kenny's case. They all look down at their clothes.]
CARTMAN: OK. Somebody tell me what the f*ck just happened.
STAN: Dude! We're all dressed just like Big Gay Al!
CARTMAN: Stan, whatever you do own your tahm with your big gay homosexual friend with your gay homosexual dog is your own gay homosexual business, all
right? But don't you go and drag me down inta your gay homosexual Hell, seriously.
KYLE: Shut up, Cartman! Stan, do you have any idea what's going on here?
STAN: No, dude! I think we need to go see Big Gay Al. If this is a big gay problem, it makes sense that Big Gay Al should be able to solve it. And
I'm not gay, Cartman!
KENNY: Mmnnmnnm mnmnmm nmmmnnmn mnmmnnmmn Mnmnmnnm!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
KYLE: Yeah, just like that Mr. Roper guy!
CARTMAN: You poor, gay piece of crap, Kenny! Ah'll kick your ass!
[Kenny roshambos Cartman. Cartman falls into the snow.]
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) Kill...you...Kenny.
KYLE: OK, let's each go home and see if our families are all right.
STAN: Right. Then, we'll meet back here and go to Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.
[Ext. view, South Park City Hall.]
MAYOR: Barbrady, you're supposed to keep the peace around here...
[Int. view, the Mayor's Office. The Mayor and her two assistant are standing behind her desk. Officer Barbrady is standing in front of the Mayor's desk. All of them are dressed exactly like Big Gay Al.]
OFFICER BARBRADY: That's right, Mayor!
MAYOR: (Pointing to everyone's clothes.) Then, would mind telling us just what in the Hell this is!?
[Officer Barbrady looks around at everyone's clothes.]
OFFICER BARBRADY: Hmm...Well, this is obviously just an illusion caused by the Aurora Borealis reflecting off of Jupiter and a weather balloon. Nothing to see here.
[Officer Barbrady exits.]
MAYOR: (To her assistants.) Find out how much it would cost to have that man killed and replaced.
[Ext. view, Stan's house.]
STAN: Mom? Dad?
MRS. MARSH: In the kitchen, Stanley.
[Int. view, Stan's kitchen. Stan walks in, looks around, and walks right back out. The camera pans back to show Stan's mom and dad, Shelly, and Grampa Marsh are all sitting at the kitchen table, dressed just like Big Gay
Al.]
[Int. view, Kyle's living room. Kyle enters.]
KYLE: Mom? Dad?
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: We're just putting Ike down for a nap, bubbelah!
[Kyle goes into his room. Mr. and Mrs. Brofslovski are both in there. Mrs.
Brofslovski is putting Ike in his crib. All of three of them are dressed just like Big Gay Al.]
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Oh, hello, Kyle! How was school?
KYLE: Fine. Why are you all dressed like that?
MR. BROFSLOVSKI: You know, it's the weirdest thing; there was this green light all over in the house and when it went away, these were the clothes we
had on.
KYLE: And you didn't go change?
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Oh, we tried to, bubbelah, but all of our clothes look like this now.
MR. BROFSLOVSKI: I tell you, I've never seen so many pairs of leather pants
in my life!
IKE: E skoo buhf gay.
[Int. view, Cartman's living room. Cartman enters.]
CARTMAN: Mom? Mom!? MOM!?
[Cartman goes into incomprehensible whines. Mrs. Cartman rushes in, dressed
just like Big Gay Al.]
MRS. CARTMAN: What's the matter, Hon'? Is Mommy's little precsious hungry?
[Cartman stops whining.]
CARTMAN: Well, yeah, Ah suppose Ah am a little bit hungry...
MRS. CARTMAN: I just made some Beefy Rolls and there are Sweety Pops in the
freezer. I'll go get some for you.
[Mrs. Cartman goes to the kitchen.]
CARTMAN: Kick ass!
[Mrs. Cartman comes back with Cartman's food.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Here you go, Eric. Now, eat up so you can grow up to be a strong man someday!
CARTMAN: Just gimme the food, Goddammit!
[Cartman grabs the food away from his mom and starts eating it. Suddenly, he stops and looks at his mom, finally noticing that she is dressed just like Big Gay Al.]
CARTMAN: Uh...Mom?
MRS. CARTMAN: Yes, Pumpykins?
CARTMAN: Whah are you dressed like that?
MRS. CARTMAN: Because all my clothes look like this, Eric.
CARTMAN: Oh. OK.
[Cartman continues eating.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are there, still dressed like Big Gay Al.]
STAN: So, everyone was dressed the same way?
KYLE: Yeah! My mom said that all the clothes in the house changed!
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Where the Hell is Kenny!? Ah'm gettin' tired of waitin' for his poor ass to get here!
KYLE: Oh, here he comes.
[Kenny walks up with a piece of paper in his hand.]
STAN: Hey, Kenny. Was your family at home?
KENNY: Mnm-mnm.
KYLE: Where did they go?
[Kenny hands the piece of paper to Kyle. Kyle looks at the paper. The camera zooms in on it to show that it reads: "Kenny, gone to take your brother to market so we can get some food."]
KYLE: Oh.
STAN: Wait. Why are they taking your brother to market, Kenny?
KENNY: Mmnmn mnmnmnm nmnm mnmn nmnmnmmmnnm nmnmnmn.
KYLE: By the pound?
KENNY: Mmnmnm.
STAN: Dude! We would be rich if we sold Cartman!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically.) Yeah. Ha ha. Very funny, you gahs. Let's all laugh at Cartman.
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny start laughing again.]
CARTMAN: Ay! Wait a minute! Did you gahs just call me fat!?
STAN: Yes.
CARTMAN: How many tahms do Ah hafta tell you stupid sons-of-bitches!? Ah am not fat; Ah just have a wider center of gravity than most people.
KYLE: Cartman, I don't think your center of gravity could get any wider!
CARTMAN: Ay! You shut your mouth 'fore Ah kick you squa' in the nuuuuts!
[Ext. view, a big snow field. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are walking through it.]
CARTMAN: Hey, you gahs? How the Hell are supposed ta find Big Gay Wad's...
STAN: It's Big Gay Al, you asshole!
CARTMAN: ...Big Gay Homosexual Animal Sanctuary?
[The kids stop.]
KYLE: I hate to say it but, I think fat-ass has a point. The last time you
tried to bring us out here it was gone. How are supposed to find it, Stan?
[The background fades into a huge American flag. There is a choir softly singing "America, The Beautiful" in the background.]
STAN: In times of big gay crisis, Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary always appears to server as a beacon to all the oppressed big gay people and
animals of the world. To show them that there is hope for acceptance in this closed-minded world. To let them know that there is someone out there who knows what they're going through and who will always offer them a place where they can come and live a big gay life free from oppression for the rest of their lives!
CHOIR: (Suddenly becoming louder and still singing.) ...From sea to shining
sea!
[The background fades back to normal.]
KYLE: Oh.
[The kids start walking again.]
[Ext. view, Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. The kids are walking up to the front door.]
STAN: See? I told you it would be here!
CARTMAN: (In awe.) This truly must be the biggest gay homosexual animal sanctuary there has ever been. Ah cannot wait to have a hamburger made from
a big gay homosexual cow.
KYLE: Cartman, do you even know that a sanctuary is, you fat retard!?
CARTMAN: Well, Ah assumed that "sanctuary" meant "all you can eat" in the gay homosexual language. And Ah am not fat, Goddammit! Ah'm just too short
for mah weight, that's all.
KYLE: Cartman, if you were the right height for your weight, you'd be 18 feet tall!
CARTMAN: F*ck you!
STAN: Cartman, stop arguing with Kyle. We've got to get Big Gay Al's help!
CARTMAN: (Whining.) But he...eeeEEEEEE...he called me...eeeeEEEEEE....he called me fat!
STAN: Cartman, you are fat!
CARTMAN: All right, that does it! Screw you gahs; Ah'm goin' home!
[Cartman just stands there.]
KYLE: Well?
CARTMAN: Well what?
KYLE: Go home, then, you fat baby!
CARTMAN: Ah was under the impression that Stan was comin' with me.
STAN: Why the Hell did you think that!?
CARTMAN: Well, huh, let me think 'bout that for a minute hya...Oh! Ah, know! Because you're the asshole who brought us hya!
STAN: Cartman, shut the Hell up.
[The kids go up to the big gay front door. Stan rings the big gay doorbell.
Big Gay Al answers the door.]
BIG GAY AL: Yes? Oh, it's you, Stanley! How are you?
STAN: Fine. How are you?
BIG GAY AL: I'm super! Thanks for asking! Oh my! I just looooove your outfits! Come in, come in.
[The kids go inside and Big Gay Al closes the door.]
[Ext. view, space. We hear the ships communicating again.]
SPACECRAFT #1: (In subtitles.) Sir, we are ready to begin the invasion.
SPACECRAFT #2: That's super! Let's start the invasion! Wait...do these pants make me look fat?
[Several small comet-like pods fire from the bottom of each ship and head towards...]
[Ext. view, South Park Main Street. The pods come crashing down into the street. There is smoke coming off of them from their entrance through the atmosphere. The pods sit there and sizzle as several South Park citizens (all dressed like Big Gay Al) and Officer Barbrady (still dressed like Big Gay Al) gather around.]
MAN: W-what are they?
[Officer Barbrady steps between the people and the pods, facing the people with his arms spread out.]
OFFICER BARBRADY: OK, people. Nothing to see here. Move along.
WOMAN: What the Hell are you talking about, Barbrady!? We can plainly see these...things!
OFFICER BARBRADY: Uh...
[Suddenly, the pods start to hiss loudly. Door start to open from their sides. The citizens and Officer Barbrady step back. Huge clouds of smoke pour out from the pods. When the smoke clears, the crowd gasps. The camera
zooms in on the bottom of one of the pod doors. A foot appears. The camera
pans up to slowly reveal a visitor dressed like Big Gay Al, with very similar hair and a moustache. Several more big gay visitors join him.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: Moo moo moooo moo!
[Another big gay visitor taps Big Gay Visitor #1 on the shoulder.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #2: (In subtitles.) You silly goose! You need your universal translator! Here.
[Big Gay Visitor #2 hands Big Gay Visitor #1 a cigarette.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: (In subtitles.) Thanks, Lance.
[Big Gay Visitor #1 puts the cigarette in his mouth.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: People of the Earth. We have come to enslave your puny
race and make sure everyone is color coordinated from this day on!
[Dramatic chord.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #2: And you will never eat another creature for the rest of
your pathetic lives! You shall eat only from...
[He gestures to one of the pods. Two more big gay visitors are wheeling out
a salad bar.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #2: ...The salad bar!
[Dramatic chord.]
[Big Gay Visitor #1 pulls out a dildo-shaped blaster and fires off screen.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: And there will be no more dramatic chords!
[The camera pans over to a charred skeleton sitting at a charred organ. Suddenly, the Underpants Gnomes music can be heard. The camera pans back to
the big gay visitor. Several Underpants Gnomes come in and collect Big Gay Visitor #1's underpants. The Underpants Gnomes walk off screen.]
UNDERPANTS GNOME #1: Ooooo! Extraterrestrial underpants!
UNDERPANTS GNOME #2: Big profit in Roswell!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.]
[Int. view, Big Gay Al's big gay living room. The whole big gay room is done
up like some big gay 70s housewife nightmare. The kids are sitting on the big gay couch. Big Gay Al enters wearing a big gay apron and carrying a big
gay cake.]
BIG GAY AL: Who wants carrot cake?
STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY: Yeah!
BIG GAY AL: OK, boys. Here you go.
[Big Gay Al gives each of them a huge piece of cake.]
BIG GAY AL: Eric, don't you want any?
CARTMAN: Ah don't want none of your damn gay homosexual cake! Ah...Ah... well, actually, Ah would like some cake.
[Big Gay Al gives Cartman the rest of the cake.]
CARTMAN: Sweet.
[Cartman starts devouring the cake. Big Gay Al takes off his big gay apron and sits in his big gay love seat.]
BIG GAY AL: Now, what brings you boys to my Big Gay Animal Sanctuary?
STAN: Well, Big Gay Al, it's our clothes...
BIG GAY AL: I know! They're just fabulous!
STAN: Yeeeeah. The thing is, everyone in town is dressed like this now and
no one knows why.
KYLE: Yeah! These clothes just aren't "me."
BIG GAY AL: I understand. Big gay clothes are for everyone.
STAN: So, do you have any idea why everyone's clothes turned this way?
BIG GAY AL: I might, Stanley, but first I need to know something.
STAN: What, dude?
BIG GAY AL: How did your clothes change?
KYLE: We were just standing at the bus stop after school and this green light shined on us and, when it went away, we were just dressed like this!
BIG GAY AL: Oh, dear. I see now what the trouble is.
STAN: What?
BIG GAY AL: To make you understand, I have to start some time ago...
[The scene fades into a black and white flashback.]
BIG GAY AL: (Voice over.) I remember it was nighttime I was out catching big gay fireflies. Wait a minute.
[The scene changes to color. Now it looks like one of those old shows where
nighttime scenes are shot during the day but are darkened.]
BIG GAY AL: (Voice over.) That's better. I was out catching big gay fireflies in the suburbs of San Francisco.
[Little Gay Al skips into the scene with a bug net. He pretty much looks like a little kid version of Big Gay Al, complete with moustache and cigarette.]
BIG GAY AL: (Voice over.) It was many years ago, when I was about the same age as you boys are now...
CARTMAN: (Voice over.) How old are you now?
[Little Gay Al stops skipping and just stands there. After a while, he starts tapping his foot impatiently.]
BIG GAY AL: (Voice over.) Thirty-something. Now, let me continue.
CARTMAN: (Voice over.) Damn, Stan, your gay homosexual friend here sure is an asshole!
STAN AND KYLE: (Voice over.) Shut up, Cartman!
STAN: (Voice over.) Go on, Big Gay Al.
BIG GAY AL: (Voice over.) Thank you, Stanley. As I was saying, I was about
the same age as you boys are now...
[Little Gay Al starts skipping along through the woods again.]
BIG GAY AL: (Voice over.) I was out in the woods at night so I could catch some big gay fireflies for my big gay insect circus.
CARTMAN: (Voice over.) Goddamn, this is lame.
KYLE: (Voice over.) Shut UP, Cartman!
BIG GAY AL: (Voice over.) While I was out in the woods, a strange blue light suddenly shined on me and I was lifted into the sky...
[Little Gay Al is bathed in a blue light and lifted off the ground into the sky.]
BIG GAY AL: (Voice over.) ...Where I was taken aboard an alien craft.
[Little Gay Al is taken aboard a spacecraft that looks just like one of the big gay visitors' ships.]
STAN: (Voice over.) I'll bet this is pretty familiar, huh, Cartman?
CARTMAN: (Voice over.) Goddammit! Ah did not have an anal probe, you son-of-a-bitch!
KYLE: (Voice over.) What happened then?
[The flashback fades away. The scene shifts back to Big Gay Al's big gay living room.]
BIG GAY AL: The visitors performed all sorts of different tests on my rear and anal region but they stopped when they found out that I liked it.
CARTMAN: Ugh. God, Ah think Ah'm gonna be sick.
STAN: What did they do then, Big Gay Al?
BIG GAY AL: Well, Stanley, they gave me a choice...
[The scene fades back into the flashback again. Little Gay Al is standing before two big gay visitors. The big gay visitors both have their universal
translators in their mouths. One of them is holding an Easy Bake Oven and the other is holding some papers.]
BIG GAY AL: (Voice over.) They gave me a choice of what I wanted to keep me
quiet about my big gay abduction: an Easy Bake Oven or their future plans for invasion of the Earth. I chose the Easy Bake Oven.
[Little Gay takes the Easy Bake Oven. The big gay visitors look at each other and nod. One of them reaches off camera. The camera pans over to show that he is holding a lever. He pulls it and a trapdoor opens up underneath Little Gay Al. Little Gay Al and his Easy Bake Oven fall to the ground. The flashback fades away and the scene returns to Big Gay Al's big gay living room.]
BIG GAY AL: So, the big gay visitors have come back. I could have stopped them all those years ago but I was so enthralled by that Easy Bake Oven that
I couldn't see what repercussions my actions might have had on the future.
STAN: Now is your chance to make up for your mistake, Big Gay Al. In this crazy life, we don't get a second chance often and when we do, we have to grab a hold of it and make sure that we do things right the second time. We
have to learn from the past and look ahead to the future so we won't repeat our mistakes. If there's one thing I've learned in the eight years I've been alive, it's that you can't let your past control your life forever. You have to live in the now!
[Everyone stares at Stan.]
STAN: What?
KYLE: Dude, do you even remember what you did yesterday?
STAN: Um...no.
BIG GAY AL: I'm sorry, Stanley. I can't face the big gay visitors again. I let the people of Earth down once and there's nothing I can do to fix that
now. This is my big gay shame that I must live with for the rest of my big gay life.
STAN: But, you're the only one who can stop them, Big Gay Al!
BIG GAY AL: No, I can't. I've lost something, Stanley. Something I don't think I can ever get back.
KYLE: Your honor?
BIG GAY AL: No.
KENNY: Mmnmn nmnmnmnmn?
BIG GAY AL: No.
CARTMAN: Your pah?
KYLE: It's not pie, you fat f*ck!
CARTMAN: Go to Hell, hippie! It's pah, ain't it?
BIG GAY AL: No, it's not pie, either, Eric.
STAN: Well, what is it, then?
BIG GAY AL: I...I can't talk about it right now, Stanley. Please, you boys
should leave now. I need to be alone.
[The boys start to leave.]
STAN: Man, I can't believe that Big Gay Al won't help us.
CARTMAN: Yeah, Stan, your big gay homosexual friend sucks ass.
KENNY: Mnmn mnmn mnmnmnn, mmnmnmn.
CARTMAN: What the Hell does that mean: "Ah would know?"
[The boys exit. Big Gay Al gets up off of his big gay love seat. He walks over to one of the big gay windows in his big gay living room and stares out
the window.]
BIG GAY AL: (Sighing.) I wish I could help those boys but I can't. I've lost a big gay part of myself and I don't know if I can ever get it back.
[Big Gay Al turns to a big gay picture on his big gay coffee table and picks
it up. The camera zooms in on the big gay picture to show that it's obviously a picture of a man dressed as a woman.]
BIG GAY AL: (To the picture.) Oh, Dad, I know I've let you down. I don't know if I can face another day in this wretched state that I'm in. Those big gay visitors took something from me, Dad. They took...my gayness!
[Dramatic chord. Big Gay Al puts the picture back down.]
BIG GAY AL: Well, there's no denying it anymore. From this day on, Big Gay
Al is no more. (Big Gay Al's voice turns manly.) I am now Enormously Straight Jack!
[Dramatic chord.]
[Ext. view, South Park Main Street. The big gay visitors are separating the
people of South Park into three groups. One group consists of all the females of South Park, one consists of most of the men in South Park, and one consists of Mr. Garrison.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: Is that all of them?
BIG GAY VISITOR #2: No, silly! We have accounted for most of them, though.
We have patrols out searching for the remaining inhabitants.
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: Excellent, Lance. Now, are you sure that out of the entire population of this town, he is the only one!?
[Big Gay Visitor #1 points to Mr. Garrison.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #2: Quite sure.
MR. GARRISON: The only one what?
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: Oh, don't be a Difficulty Danny! You know what we're talking about. Your not fooling anyone, you know.
BIG GAY VISITOR #2: Not even yourself.
MR. GARRISON: Mr. Hat, do you know what they're talking about?
MR. HAT: Mr. Garrison, a blind man in a dark room could see it plainly.
MR. GARRISON: What?
MR. HAT: If you can't stop living in denial, then you'll never know.
MR. GARRISON: In denial of what, Mr. Hat?
[Mr. Garrison stares at Mr. Hat for a while.]
MR. HAT: Oh, nothing.
MR. GARRISON: Oh. Well, that's a relief. I thought you were trying to tell me that I'm gay or something like that.
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: (Pointing to Mr. Garrison still.) See to it that that one is put aboard the pleasure ship once we leave.
[Ext. view, Big Gay Al's...er...Enormously Straight Jack's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. Enormously Straight Jack is driving the big gay animals out.]
ENORMOUSLY STRAIGHT JACK: Go on! Get outta here! I don't wanna see your big gay faces around here again, dammit! This isn't a big gay animal sanctuary anymore! It's gonna be an Enormously Straight Stripclub!
[The big gay animals look at Enormously Straight Jack with big gay sad eyes.]
ENORMOUSLY STRAIGHT JACK: No no no! Don't try any of that big gay animal hypnosis on me! I...I...(His voice changes back to Big Gay Al's.)...can't let any of you, my big gay animal friends, go out into the cold, cold world without...(His voice changes back to Enormously Straight Jack's)...a piece of hot lead between the eyes to warm ya!
[Enormously Straight Jack pulls a shotgun out from behind his back. All the
big gay animals scatter.]
ENORMOUSLY STRAIGHT JACK: Now I gotta get me some dancers...
[Ext. view, South Park Main Street. Several big gay visitors are overseeing
the people of South Park. The people all have energy shackles on their ankles. Some of them are building something while others are carrying materials over to the builders. The boys start to walk into the scene.]
STAN: Holy sh*t!
[The boys run behind City Hall.]
KYLE: What's going on, dude?
STAN: The big gay visitors must be taking over South Park!
CARTMAN: What are we gonna do, you gahs? I can't stand all that big gay homosexual health food they eat all the tahm! Ah'll waste away!
STAN: Get a hold of yourself, Cartman! You need to calm down.
CARTMAN: B-but the health food! The horror! The horror!
KYLE: Goddammit, Cartman! Eat something, you fat moron!
CARTMAN: Ay!
[Cartman reaches into his big gay shirt and pulls out a box of Happy Tarts and starts eating them.]
STAN: Happy Tarts?
KYLE: Where did you get those, Cartman?
KENNY: Mnnmnmn m nmnnmmnnm nmnnmn mnnmn nmmnmn.
KYLE: Oh, so his mom got them on the set of that movie?
KENNY: Mm-mnm.
KYLE: Oh.
STAN: We've got to come up with a plan. I know! I'll ask my dad! He's really smart!
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically.) Oh, yeah, Stan. Your dad's a real genius, all right.
STAN: Shut up, Cartman! What has your dad done!?
CARTMAN: Well, she...Goddamn, Ah hate you, Stan.
[Stan goes to the corner of City Hall and stick his head around. Mr. Marsh is conveniently nearby.]
STAN: (Whispering.) Psst! Dad!
MR. MARSH: Huh?
[Mr. Marsh looks around.]
STAN: (Whispering.) Over here.
[Mr. Marsh still can't find Stan.]
STAN: (To himself.) Dammit.
[Stan bends down, picks up some snow, makes a snowball, and clobbers Mr. Marsh in the back of the head. Mr. Marsh turns around to see Stan.]
MR. MARSH: (Whispering.) Stanley! What are you doing here!?
STAN: (Whispering.) We're going to try to rescue you, Dad. Can you set up a diversion for us?
MR. MARSH: (Whispering.) Yeah, I think I can, son.
STAN: (Whispering.) Killer! Be careful, Dad.
MR. MARSH: (Whispering.) I know; the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, the Bible said so.
STAN: (Whispering.) Yeeeeah. About that, Dad...
[Jesus, in big gay clothes and energy shackles, shuffles by.]
JESUS: (Whispering.) He's right, Stan.
[Jesus shuffles away.]
MR. MARSH: (Whispering.) Leave everything to me, son.
[Mr. Marsh shuffles over to the big gay visitors.]
MR. MARSH: Um...excuse me?
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: What, slave?
MR. MARSH: (Pointing.) Look over there! It's a big, naked man's ass!
[The big gay visitors turn to look. All the people of South Park shuffle away while they do.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #2: Hey! There's no ass over there! You lied to us, sla...
[The big gay visitors turn back around to where Mr. Marsh was standing. They just stand there for a moment.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #2: We're gonna be in deep sh*t.
[Cut to behind City Hall. The people of South Park are all gathered behind it.]
STAN: OK, now you've all got to hide someplace where no one in South Park would ever go.
KYLE: Yeah! That way the big gay visitors will never find you!
MRS. MARSH: Well, where should we go?
[Ext. view, South Park Public Library.]
[Int. view, South Park Public Library. The boys and the rest of the people of South Park are gathered inside.]
MRS. MARSH: Who would have guessed?
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: I know! I never knew we even had a public library!
[Stan climbs up onto a table.]
STAN: OK. Everyone just stay here! We'll go get help!
[The boys exit.]
[Ext. view, a big snow field. The boys are walking through.]
KYLE: Dude! I thought that Big Gay Al said he couldn't help us?
STAN: I know but we've got to try again. He's the only one who's encountered the big gay visitors before. Maybe he remembers some weakness they have?
CARTMAN: You gahs, Ah have got to get mah clothes changed back fast! These
leather pants are startin' to chafe me all over!
KYLE: That's because you're so f*cking fat, Cartman!
CARTMAN: Go to Hell, you big gay homosexual clothes wearin' freak!
KYLE: You're wearing the same clothes, you retard!
[The boys arrive at Enormously Straight Jack's Enormously Straight Stripclub. Kenny looks up at the sign and cheers.]
STAN: What the...!?
KYLE: What is this, Stan?
STAN: I'll tell you what this is: This is pretty f*cked up right here.
KYLE: Maybe we should go inside.
[The boys start to go inside.]
CARTMAN: Hey! This looks like the same kinda place mah mom said she first worked at!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Int. view, Enormously Straight Jack's Enormously Straight Stripclub. It's filled with the typical stripclub type music from movies. There are few guys sitting around at the tables, watching the dancers. The air is filled with smoke.]
KYLE: Dude! This place totally sucks!
STAN: (Pointing to Big Gay Al...er...Enormously Straight Jack.) Hey! There
he is!
[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman start to go over to Enormously Straight Jack. Kenny just stays where he's standing, staring up at the stage. A waitress starts to walk through, trips over Kenny, and spills several drinks on him. Kenny is now soaked and standing a puddle.]
WAITRESS: Oh no! I've spilled Mr. McCormick's scotch! He's gonna be pissed!
[The waitress runs back to the bar.]
MR. MCCORMICK: Hey! Where's my scotch, bitch!?
WAITRESS: (Off screen.) Coming right up, Mr. McCormick!
MR. MCCORMICK: (To himself.) It damn well better be.
[Mr. McCormick takes a long drag on a cigarette and flicks it, still lit, away. The camera follows the cigarette as it flies through the air and lands in the puddle at Kenny's feet. The puddle ignites and sets Kenny on fire. Kenny starts running around in a panic. Finally, he falls down, dead
but still burning. Mr. McCormick gets up from his seat and stomps the fire out. The entire time, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman have been watching on with stunned looks on their faces.]
STAN: Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
CARTMAN: At least he doesn't hafta wear those big gay homosexual clothes anymore. He's gone on to a better place now.
KYLE: Shut up, Cartman!
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah'll kick your ass!
[A very large bouncer comes over to Cartman.]
BOUNCER: Is there a problem here, sir?
CARTMAN: Uh...no, Sir. No problem.
BOUNCER: Then keep your fat ass shut.
CARTMAN: (Straining to keep from yelling.) Y-yes...Sir.
[The boys go over to Enormously Straight Jack.]
STAN: Big Gay Al! You've got to help us!
ENORMOUSLY STRAIGHT JACK: Big Gay Al's dead, kid.
STAN: What!?
ENORMOUSLY STRAIGHT JACK: I said, "Big Gay Al's dead." There's only Enormously Straight Jack now. Big Gay Al died when the big gay visitors took his gayness away. He was living in denial the whole time.
KYLE: That's a bunch of bullsh*t!
ENORMOUSLY STRAIGHT JACK: What!?
STAN: Kyle's right, Big Gay Al.
ENORMOUSLY STRAIGHT JACK: No! I'm Enormously Straight Jack, I tell you!
STAN: Now you're the one living in denial. There's no way the big gay visitors could have taken your gayness away! It's part of who you are. If you lose that, then there is no you. There can't even be an opposite of who
you were because, without your gayness, you can't have straightness to counteract it! You ARE Big Gay Al. He's still inside there; I know it. Let him out, Enormously Straight Jack. Let him out.
ENORMOUSLY STRAIGHT JACK: Y-you're right. I've been fooling myself. It's time to go back...
[Enormously Straight Jack goes into a back room and comes right back out.]
BIG GAY AL: Stanley! It's so super to see you! How are you doing?
STAN: Fine. How are you?
BIG GAY AL: I'm super and 100% big and gay again! I can't thank you enough, boys!
KYLE: We've got to get back to South Park and stop the big gay visitors!
STAN: He's right. Will you help us, Big Gay Al?
BIG GAY AL: Yes, Stanley. I will. I'll be right back.
[Big Gay Al goes back into the back room. After a few seconds, he comes back out, wearing lavender, sea green, salmon, and turquoise war paint on his face.]
BIG GAY AL: Let's go kick some big gay visitor butt!
STAN AND KYLE: Hooray!
CARTMAN: Ah bet he doesn't just wanna kick their butts.
[Stan punches Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Ay!
[Ext. view, South Park Public Library.]
[Int. view, South Park Public Library. The number of people has decreased quite noticeably. There are several gnawed-on skeletons over in a corner.]
MAYOR: I can't believe we resorted to cannibalism again.
JIMBO: Now, Mayor, we did what we had to to survive. It was either them or
us.
MAYOR: But those boys have only been gone for ten minutes and we ate thirty-three people!
[The boys and Big Gay Al enter.]
MRS. MARSH: Stan, where's Kenny?
STAN: They killed him.
MRS. MARSH: Who? Those aliens?
STAN: No, they.
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Who is "they?"
KYLE: The bastards.
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Watch your language, young man!
[Stan jumps up onto a table again.]
STAN: OK, listen, everybody! We can beat these big gay visitors! We can't
let them take South Park from us!
MAN: Well, what'll we do?
STAN: I've brought my friend, Big Gay Al. He's encountered the big gay visitors before. He can help us!
[Big Gay Al gets up on the table.]
BIG GAY AL: I know how we can drive these big gay visitors back into space!
JIMBO: How? Our Earth weapons are useless again them!
[A general murmur goes throughout the crowd.]
BIG GAY AL: It is true that our weapons can't hurt them but the people of South Park possess something far more damaging to the likes of these big gay
visitors.
NED: mmmm...What is it...mmmmm?
BIG GAY AL: It's the close-mindedness and resistance to change that you've always shown to those different than yourselves!
MAN: Shut up, ya f*ckin' queer!
BIG GAY AL: That's what I'm talking about right there! If you can use that
against the big gay visitors, they'll leave for sure and South Park, and maybe even the world, will be saved.
[The crowd cheers.]
MAYOR: Speech! Speech!
BIG GAY AL: Well, I'm not much for speeches...
CROWD: (In unison.) Aw, come on! Be a sport!
BIG GAY AL: Oh, all right.
[The crowd cheers.]
BIG GAY AL: In less than an hour, people from here will be joining others from around South Park and you will be launching the largest battle in the history of South Park. South Park...those words should have a new meaning for all us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences any more. We will be united in our common interest. Perhaps, it is fate that today is
Tuesday and you will be fighting for our freedom. Not from Tyranny, depression, or persecution, but from annihilation. We're fighting for our right to live, to exist! And should we win today, Tuesday will no longer be
known as just another weekday, but as the day when South Park declared in one voice we will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without
a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today...we celebrate our Independence Gay!
[The crowd goes into wild cheers.]
BIG GAY AL: Now, let's go out there and kick some big gay visitor ass!!
JIMBO: C'mon, everyone! Let's use our close-mindedness and ignorance as the weapons of our freedom!
[The crowd cheers again and rushes out of the library, leaving Big Gay Al, Stan, and Kyle.]
STAN: I knew you could do it, Big Gay Al!
BIG GAY AL: I owe it all to you boys. Without your faith in me, I couldn't
have rediscovered my gayness. Thank you so much.
KYLE: Where's Cartman?
[Cartman enters, wearing iron underwear.]
CARTMAN: Let's see those big gay homosexual visitors anal probe this!
KYLE: I thought you never had an anal probe, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Ah...uh...that is...Ah...No! Ah never had an anal probe! Ah just
wanna make sure Ah don't get one now.
[The Underpants Gnomes music starts playing. Two Underpants Gnomes come in,
collect Cartman's iron underwear, and leave.]
CARTMAN: Ay! Those pussies stoles mah anal-probe-proof pants!
UNDERPANTS GNOME #1: Up yours, pussy!
CARTMAN: You sons-of-bitches!
[Cartman runs off screen after them. Big Gay Al, Stan, and Kyle just look on.]
STAN: So...I...uh...guess we should go.
KYLE: Right.
[The three of them walk off in the direction Cartman ran.]
[Ext. view, in front of City Hall. The citizens of South Park are trying to
fight the big gay visitors, unsuccessfully. Big Gay Al and the boys walk into the scene.]
STAN: What the Hell!?
CARTMAN: We're getting our asses kicked!
[Jesus' mangled body flies in and lands at their feet.]
KYLE: Jesus! Are you all right!?
JESUS: (Delirious.) Forgive them, Father; they know not what they do.
[Jesus passes out.]
STAN: What are going to do, Big Gay Al?
BIG GAY AL: I made arrangements should something like this happen, Stanley.
[Big Gay Al reaches into his big gay shirt and pulls out a big gay pink cell
phone. He dials it.]
BIG GAY AL: Yes. South Park needs you. All right. See you soon. Bye-bye!
[He hangs up and puts the big gay cell phone back in his big gay shirt.]
KYLE: Who did you call, Big Gay Al?
BIG GAY AL: Someone who's so against change and is so close-minded, the big
gay visitors won't have a chance against him.
CARTMAN: Who's that?
VOICE: (Off screen.) That's me, son.
[The camera turns to show Bob Dole. He's wearing his usual dark blue suit and holding a pen in his right hand.]
BOB DOLE: That's right: Bob Dole. Bob Dole will get rid of these big gay visitors.
[Bob Dole walks into the middle of the fight.]
BOB DOLE: Bob Dole says you should get your big gay alien asses out of this
town right now!
[The big gay visitors look at each other, turn to Bob Dole, and fire their clothes transmogrifying rays at Bob Dole. Bob Dole is engulfed by green light. When it finally fades, his clothes are still the same.]
BOB DOLE: What the Hell did you think that would do? You can't change Bob Dole. Bob Dole doesn't change for anybody. Bob Dole is stuck in the past, dammit. Here, let Bob Dole show you what Bob Dole will do when Bob Dole is President of the United States.
[Bob Dole hands the big gay visitors some pamphlets. The big gay visitors look at the pamphlets, panic, and run back into their pods. The doors on the pods close and the pods shoot back off into space. A green light covers
all of South Park and the citizens' clothes return to normal. Bob Dole goes
over to Big Gay Al and the kids.]
BOB DOLE: Well, it looks like Bob Dole's work here is done. Time for Bob Dole to go back home. See you around, queer.
[Bob Dole exits.]
BIG GAY AL: Good-bye, Bobby! Peace be with you! Well, boys, it looks like
South Park is safe again.
STAN: What will you do now, Big Gay Al?
BIG GAY AL: Well, Stanley, I have to find all my big gay animal friends and
try to undo the damage that awful Enormously Straight Jack did.
KYLE: Are you going to go back to your big gay animal sanctuary?
BIG GAY AL: I don't think so, Kyle. It's been sullied too much by Enormously Straight Jack's straightness. I'll probably have to build a new big gay animal sanctuary. Well, I'd better go. Good-bye, boys! Peace be with you!
[Big Gay Al exits.]
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Bye, Big Gay Al!
STAN: Good luck finding your big gay animals!
CARTMAN: You know somethin', you gahs? Ah think Ah learned somethin' today.
KYLE: You? Really?
CARTMAN: Yeah. Ah learned that sometahms people can lose sight of who they
really are and, when that happens, they can become somethin' that they're not just so they don't feel so bad.
KYLE: Wow. That...that was amazing, dude!
STAN: Hey! What's that in your hand, Cartman?
[Cartman puts his hands behind his back.]
CARTMAN: What? Oh, nothin'.
STAN: No, what is it!?
CARTMAN: Nothing, dammit!
[Kyle snatches a piece of paper from Cartman's hand.]
CARTMAN: Ay! That's mah private property, you damn dirty thievin' Jew!
[Kyle looks at the paper.]
KYLE: Cartman! You had that whole thing written down on this piece of paper!
CARTMAN: So?
KYLE: So, this isn't even your writing; it's Stan's!
STAN: I knew that sounded familiar! Cartman, you f*cking thief! You stole
that out of my notebook at school, didn't you!?
CARTMAN: Uh...
STAN: You told me you needed to see my notes, you asshole!
CARTMAN: Well, Ah...
[Stan roshambos Cartman. Cartman falls into the snow.]
STAN: Let's go, Kyle. I think it's almost time for Terrance and Phillip.
[Stan and Kyle start to exit the scene. Stan kicks Cartman in the ribs before they leave.]
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) See...you in...Hell...Stan Marsh.
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison's room. The camera is facing the class. They all have pissed/unamused looks on their faces, except for Cartman who looks rather happy.]
KYLE: Goddamn. This is f*cking weak.
CARTMAN: Ah don' know, you gahs; Ah thinks it's pretty coo'.
[The camera turns to show Mr. Durp at the front of the classroom wearing a puppet that looks like Mr. Hat, except without the hat and wearing a scarf.]
MR. DURP: OK, kiddies! We're going to have all kinds fun today with our friend, Mr. Scarf! Durp!
MR. SCARF: How are you, Mr. Durp?
MR. DURP: I'm just wonderful, Mr. Scarf! Say, I'll bet these kids are just
having the greatest time learning with us!
MR. SCARF: That's right, Mr. Durp! If you like Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat, you'll love Mr. Durp and Mr. Scarf! Durp!
MR. DURP: Are there any questions?
[Kyle raises his hand.]
MR. DURP: Yes, little green-hatted boy?
KYLE: Where the Hell is Mr. Garrison?
[The room falls into silence.]
[Ext. view, outer space. There is a big gay visitor ship hovering in place.]
[Int. view, the big gay visitors' ship. The interior is decorated just like
Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. There are several big gay visitors lounging around.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: Would you like some carrot cake?
BIG GAY VISITOR #2: Oh! I really should be watching my figure...oh...what the Hell? Sure!
[Big Gay Visitor #1 claps his hands twice.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: Slave, come!
[Mr. Garrison, dressed like Princess Leia on Jabba's sail barge from Return Of The Jedi, enters. Mr. Hat is dressed the same way.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Master?
BIG GAY VISITOR #1: Get us some carrot cake, slave!
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Master.
[Mr. Garrison turns to leave. As he is doing so, Big Gay Visitor #2 lifts up the back of Mr. Garrison's loincloth thing.]
BIG GAY VISITOR #2: Man! That's one sweet ass, for an earthling!
MR. HAT: (To Mr. Garrison.) I'll bet you think you're in Heaven now, don't you?
[End song and credits.]
Here's mine, in two parts.
The Intervention (with thanks to the late Anthony Burgess) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Insert legal crap here.
Sheila appears courtesy of alt.tv.southpark's own Kyle Broslofski! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- <Opening chords. We come in on Mr. Garrisson's class. He's just finishing up>
Garrisson: ...until the word "Maudling" is thoroughly obscured. Well, that's it
for today, children.
Pip: But, Mr. Garrisson, there are still forty minutes left! <someone flings a pencil at him> Ouch, me head!
Garrisson: Yes, but there's a sale on tequila at Jim's Rotgut Palace, and they close in <checks watch> twelve hours, so I'd better get going.
<Playground>
Stan: Well, we're stuck here, that bitch won't leave for a half-hour.
Crabtree: <passing> WHAT DID YOU SAY??!!!
Stan: I said Brian Hitch loves half-sours!
Crabtree: Oh. I prefer garlic dills.
Cartman: Aaaghh!!
Sheila: What's wrong, snookie-woogums? <Kenny giggles. Sheila whacks him with a pinwheeel>
Cartman: Knives... of... fire... in... heart... seriously... pain...
Chef: <passing by> Oh, fudge. This looks serious. We'd better get you to a hospital.
Kyle: Oh, he's always having chest pains like that. Ignore him.
Chef: What! This happened before? Cartman, how long has this been going on?
Cartman: Agony... intense agony... administer Cheesy Poofs... doctor... <passes out>
<The paramedic clowns, last seen in "Conjoined Fetus Lady", carry him off>
<Hell's Pass Hospital>
Doctor: Well, it's only a mild heart attack .
Mrs. C: Oh, that's good news.
Doctor: Not in an eight-year-old, sir, I mean, maam.
Mrs. C: Oh...
Doctor: I'd like to ask, if I may, about his diet?
Mrs. C: Well, last night, I made Beefy Balls, and Wingy Things, and Chicken- Fried Cheese...
Doctor: Oh, dear...
Mrs. C: And then for lunch...
Doctor: Have you ever considered a salad? <Mrs. C stares blankly> You, know, vegetables?<Mrs. C continues to stare> Here, read this pamphlet.
< He hands her a booklet. It looks like a "For Dummies" book. The title is "Nutrition for Fatasses">
<Mr. Mackey's office>
Mr. M: Now, it's obvious to me that Eric has a serious eating disorder, mkay? If this continues he'll die. Dyin's bad.
Mrs. C: I think it's because I've had to be both mother and father to him.
Cartman: Literally. Heh heh.
Mr M: Quiet! Mkay? Now I think your problem is that you have no friends.
Cartman: I do so have friends!
Mr. M. Friends who actually like you?
Cartman: Well...
Mr. M: You're substituting food for love, mkaay? Substituting food for love is bad. Now, youhave deep-seated psychological problems. You're one seriously screwed up tub of lard, mkay? Dieting's not going to work, mkay?
Mrs. C: So, what do we do?
Mr M: I know a guy who works real miracles with behavior modification therapy. Now, officially, I can't recommend him, mkay? His procedures are rather unorthodox. They've been banned in every state. There are a number of warrants out for his arrest. There are rumors that he walksthe streets at night
to eat the flesh of the living. Wait, no, that's Callista Flockhart. Mkay. Anyway, here's his card.
<Hands them a card. It says "Dr. Burgess, Mad Scientist." "Mad" has been crossed out>
<Mr. Garrisson's class>
Kyle: <Reciting before the class> And so, this proves that Kyle Rayner was the greatest Green Lantern ever.
Garrisson: Very nice, Kyle. You get an F-minus.
Kyle: WHAT!??
Garrisson: Every idiot knows that Hal Jordan was the best Green Lantern.
Mr. Hat: Yeah, what planet are you from?
<Kyle mumbles angrily as he takes his seat>
Sheila: Has anyone seen my fat little fuzzy wumpkin today?
Stan: No. And don't call him that! It's just... wrong!
Kenny: (He's dead)
Stan: You WOULD think that, wouldn't you.
Kyle: Actually, I heard he's going to some new diet doctor.
Stan: Figures. We're stuck here with Harvey Fierstein
Garrisson: Where? I...I mean, I heard that!
Stan: And he's at some fancy spa.
<Deep, dank dungeon. Cartman strapped into a dentist's chair>
Dr. Burgess <a gaunt man with wild hair> Welcome, Eric, to your nightmare! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
<scene goes blurry. Dissolve to Cartman waking up>
Cartman: Whoah, what a nightmare.
<We see that he is in the same dungeon with Dr. Burgess. >
Dr. Burgess: As I was saying... Welcome to your nightmare! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Cartman: Aw, weak! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------- To be continued!
Jeremy B "Oh, to be young again. And also a robot." -- Prof. Hubert Farnsworth WWBBD?
And here's part two.
Cartman Has a Heart Attack Part Two: The Intervention -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------- Insert legal crap here. Yada Yada Yada, sole exclusive property of Blah Blah Blah, this fanficis not to be Yakkety Shmaketty. Sheila appears courtesy of alt.tv.southpark's own Kyle Broslofski!
<Mr. Garrisson's class>
Mr. Garrisson: ... And now Mr. Hat will explain to you why Dr. Laura is the Anti-Christ.
Mr. Hat: Well, first, she's a total bitch... (trails off)
Stan: Have you heard anything from Cartman?
Kyle: No. He's probably still living it up at that health spa.
Sheila: Oy Fanoopel, he's probably making out with all sorts of aerobics instructors. Oh, will I ever see him again? <Schmaltzy music starts. Sheila is on a stage, wearing a full-length evening gown covered with sequins. She is singing into a pinwheel> Where is my Eric. He's left meeee alooooone I'll never here him saaaaay "Screw you I'm going Hoooooome" He's gone, from my world, he's left meeeeeee behiiiiiind I'll only see hiiiiiiiiiiim In the pinwheeeeeels... ooooof.... my... miiiiiiiiiiind"
Garrisson: SHEILA!
Sheila:<back to normal> What?
Garrisson: There will be no more Celine Deion-esque ballads in my classroom!
Sheila: Yes, Mr. Garrisson. <under her breath> Stupid bastard, I'd like to...
Garrisson: I hope you aren't entertaining any thoughts of shoving a pinwheel up my ass.
Sheila: WHAT?!
Garrisson: Because I wouldn't like it. Soooo.... you won't, right?
<Dr. Burgess's dungeon. Cartman is strapped into the Clockwork Orange chair.>
Cartman: Do your worst, fiend!
Dr. B: I intend to. The chair has never failed me. Perhaps you've met one of my previous patients? <He holds up a picture of Pip>
Cartman: That wuss?
Dr. B: He wasn't always the pathetic little goober he is today. When Mr. Mackey referred him to me two years ago, he looked like this <shows another picture, with Pip all done up like Alex from CO>
Cartman: Kick ass.
Dr. B: But eventually, we... broke him. Me and the chair. Now, we shall begin.
<Cartman is shown a rapid-fire montage of disturbing images while listening to the Cheesy Poofs song being sung to the tune of Beethoven's Ninth. Try it, it works really nicely. The images include:French people eating Cheesy Poofs; a giant rabbit attacking New York; the Olsen Twins; LeoDiCrappio; hippies eating Cheesy Poofs; an A-bomb explosion (there's one in every montage); a naked Luciano Pavarotti on the toilet; Barbra Streissand eating Cheesy Poofs; Eric Idle kicking Michael Palin in the balls; an Old Navy commercial; Pavarotti, still on the toilet, eating Cheesy Poofs>
Cartman: <close up on his face, he's sweating> NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHH!!!
<The woods above>
Indigo Montoya: You hear that, Fezzick? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. They must be making him watch UPN or something.
<Thus ends the obligatory Princess Bride ref>
<Schoolyard>
Stan: Well, it's been three weeks since we've seen Fatass.
Sheila: I think I've realized that I'm probably never going to see my beloved Eric again. He's probably at that spa right now, banging that aerobics instuctor and laughing at the little girl he left behind.
Cartman: Hey y'guys, I'm back.
Sheila: <Jumps on him and starts kissing him> OH, I'm so happy you're back, my great big hunk of man! I knew you'd get bored with those aerobics instuctrors!
Cartman: Wha?
Sheila: How dare you sleep with those aerobics instructors! HOW DARE YOU!!! <kicks Cartman in the balls>
Cartman: Ow! Goddammit, get some Prozac!
Stan: Wait a minute, I thought you were going to a health spa! You're as fat as ever!
Cartman: Shows how much you know! Check out my new buff bod!
<He lifts his coat to reveal an emaciated frame>
Kyle: Dude! Sick!
Stan: Huh. He really is big-boned.
Chef: Hello there, chil- SWEET MOTHER O' MARY TYLER MOORE! Eric, what the fudge happend to you?
Cartman: I got in shape! Pretty sweet, huh.
Chef: Well, I guess... Lemme get you some salisbury steak.
Cartman: <shudders> Food... bring pain....
Chef: Oh, children, I got a bad feelin' about this. I bet they used that brainwashin' hoosafudge on him.Eric, do you remember what happened to you at that resort?
Cartman: <mechanically> I-had-a-pleasant-and-uneventful-time-and-I- enjoyed-myself-very-much.
Sheila: I KNEW IT! YOU WERE BANGING AEROBICS INSTRUCTORS LEFT AND RIGHT, WEREN'T YOU!!!!!
Chef: Eric, it isn't healthy to be that thin. Why, you could wind up roaming the streets at night, feasting on the flesh of the living, just like that Callista Flockheart chick.
Cartman: Ay! You're just jealous of mah enormous pecs! Screw you guys, I'm going hoooome.
<Cartman's house>
Cartman: Hey, ma, I'm home!
Mrs. C: Would you like some Cheesy Poofs, hon?
Cartman: NO! GET THEM AWAY FROM ME!
<He heads up to his room>
Cartman: Ah! How'd you guys get here before me!
<Stan, Kyle, and Sheila are all here. So are Wendy, Bebe, Kevin, Clyde, Token, Tweek, and all the other kids, with one notable exception>
Sheila: We're here because we're worried about you. You have to understand that I love you with all my heart...
Kyle: <sticks finger down throat, makes gagging noise>
Sheila: ... no matter how many aerobics instructors you sleep with. And we're all concerned for your well-being. Isn't that right?
Stan: Actually, she made us come along on pain of death.
Clyde: She threatened me with a pinwheel enema!
Sheila: The night's still young, Clyde. Now, we're all going to say a few words. Stan?
Stan: I liked you better when you were a big fat turd, instead of a little skinny turd.
Sheila: Very good. Tweek.
Tweek: AHHHH!!! CAN'TTHINKOFANYTHING!!! THEPRESSURE!!! NO, MUSTN'T CHOKE!! AAAARRRGHH!! PINWHEELS HURT!! GAAAAAHHH!!!
Sheila: ... okay.... Kenny?
Kyle: Dude, where is Kenny?
Sheila: I don't know. He was supposed to meet us here!
<Ten minutes earlier, in front of the bar>
<Kenny is walking past the bar. Suddenly, Calista Flockhart appears out of nowhere and devours him whole. Jimbo and Ned exit the bar>
Jimbo: Oh, my god, Ally McBeal killed Kenny!
Ned: mmmYOU BASzzzTARDzzzz
Kyle: STOP STEPPING ON MY LINE!
Ned: mmmSORRYzzzz
Jimbo: Uh oh, Ned, she sees us!
Ned: mmm LETSzzz THIN OUTzzz HER NUMBERzzzz
Jimbo: Better not. If we thin her out any more, she'll disappear!
Ned: mmmGOOD ONE HAH HAH HAH
<back to Cartman's>
Sheila: Anyway...
Pip: Well, I'd like to say...
Sheila: Wait, I didn't invite him!
Stan: Yeah, get lost, you stupid frog!
Bill, Fossey: Huh huh, yeah, stupid gay frog
Pip: Well, technically, I'm a stupid limey.
Sheila: JUST GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I MAKE YOU EAT A PINWHEEL THE HARD WAY!
Pip: Righto! <runs off>
Cartman: Dammit, I don't need any sympathy! I'm totally buff! Size! Strength! Agility!... wait... why is the room spinning...
<Hell's Pass hospital>
Doctor: Well, it seems like we've come full circle, doesn't it. Now, how do we
cure him of his food phobia?
<Enter Mephesto>
Mephesto: I may have come up with a solution. Kevin, if you would...
<Kevin enters with a canister labelled "Ultra Weight Gain 5000>
Mephesto: This is my new, experimental weight gain formula. I will now adminster it by using an aparatus invented by my colleague, Doctor William Plaht.
All: Oh. It's a Plaht Device.
Mephesto: That's the spirit.
<Mephesto injects Cartman with the device. He fills out to his (ab)normal proportions. >
Stan: But how do we know he's cured?
Sheila: I know! Eric...
Cartman: <weakly> Yes, Sheila...
Sheila: ...Would you like some... Cheesy Poofs?
Cartman: Yes. Yes, I do believe ah would.
Sheila: Yippeee! He's cured!
Stan: You know, I've learned something today. Quick fixes don't work. o truly accomplish a lastingchange in your character, you need hard work, dedication, sticktoitiveness...
Kyle: Stan, what are you talking about?
Stan: <sigh> I don't even know anymore. Hey, Cartman, don't bogart all the C heesy Poofs!
<closing credits>
Jeremy B "Oh, to be young again. And also a robot." -- Prof. Hubert Farnsworth WWBBD?
You saw that, too?
In article , Jeremy B writes with this very pen that he holds in his hands...
That was so funny...you son of a bitch! Good show! <end Simpsons reference>
'em
-Do RPG's count as fanfic's?
In article , [email] writes with this very pen that he holds in his hands...
I wouldn't say that they are.
I doubt it, because they're RPGs.
Steve
Steve Sutton said...
Technically they're fictions written by fans, and are therefore "fanfics", but since they're usually written en masse, I don't think they'd qualify in the generally accepted sense of the word.
How's that for noncommittal? ::grin::
Tir