OK! I hope this is good! :) <please don't suck, please don't suck, please don't suck!>
If it sucks, I'll rewrite it.
This is the finale.
<crosses fingers, toes, spleen, and pancreas>
<insert legal crap here>
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[Western music]
Announcer: [in Western accent] Last time we were a'talkin, hombre Pip challenged Eric Cartman to a showdown. Pip wants to win Sheila over. The duel will take place at High Noon.
Sheila: [offscreen] Please don't use the accent.
[View of South Park. It now looks like a Western town in the desert. Tumbleweeds blow by. Vultures screech from overhead. The main street place now has a boardwalk thingy with a saloon. Horses and water troughs are at various places around the building]
[A man comes out of his house]
Man: Damn! This is one hell of a drought here! Never seen anything like it before in South Park. That <bleep>ing rain better hurry up!
[Inside saloon. All the boys are dressed as cowboys. The girls are in those weird puffy, lacy dresses]
[Sheila is screeching]
Sheila: WHAT?!? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!! Absolutely *INSANE*!!!!!!
Stan: [in Western accent] Yeah, dude! I know! The town seems...different...somehow. I'm not sure why or how. And, where's fatass? And that French kid? It's almost high noon.
Sheila: NONONO! Well, I'm not talking about the town. I'M TALKING ABOUT THE <BLEEP>ING WARDROBE! I LOOK LIKE A WHORE! And these *SHOES*!!! What the hell are they? Stilettos? They're killing my feet! Seriously, I'm pissed off!
Kenny: {I don't know. I like what you're wearing...}
Sheila: WHAT?!?
[Kenny laughs]
Sheila: Well, *ANYWAY*, do *any* of you know what the hell is going on? *Why* is there gonna be a duel? I just don't get it!
Stan: We could tell you, but then fatass would kill us.
Sheila: Oy! I don't see why this whole thing is a big secret from me, anyway! It's all a big conspiracy, isn't it? AND DON'T CALL CARTMAN "FATASS"! HE'S *NOT FAT*!!!!! I think he's buff and sexy!
Stan: All right, Sheila. You're scaring me, dude!
Kyle: [laughing] Dude, Sheila! Are you *blind* or something? Cartman is the fattest <bleep>ing person on the planet! The circumference of that kid far outmeasures that of the Earth!
Sheila: [quietly] Kyle, give me your shoes.
Kyle: What? Why?
Sheila: Just....give.....me.....the....*SHOES*!!!
Kyle: Holy shit! OK!
[Kyle hands Sheila his shoes. Sheila takes off her shoes and puts on Kyle's shoes]
Sheila: Aha! *That's* better!
Kyle: Sheila! Now I don't have any shoes! What the hell are you doing?
Sheila: Oh, you can just wear these!
[Sheila gives Kyle the stilettos]
Kyle: SHEILA!
Sheila: You asked for it when you insulted Cartman. I won't stand for it! So, now you must suffer. SO PUT ON THE <BLEEP>ING STILETTOS! Or else I'll shove one of those extremely sharp and dangerous shoes up your ass!
Kyle: You bi-
Sheila: [cutting him off] Watch it, Kyle! You don't wanna end up wearing one of these whore dresses, do you? You know, I think it would look perfect with the shoes. And, if I do say so myself, the colors are *definitely* you!
[Kyle, pissed off, puts on the stilettos]
Stan: [in Western accent] Dude! Ah'm a'wonderin as to what's gonna be a'happenin at the showdown at haah nooon!
Sheila: Please, Stan, no one can understand you with that damn accent.
Stan: Sorry. It was like a reflex or something. Today just seems to be one of those days.
Sheila: Yeah, you gotta admit, South Park seems a bit weirder than usual!
[Pan around saloon--all the South Park people are in their Western outfits, playing poker, and all that other Western stuff, etc.]
Kyle: Tell me about it! It seems like something right out of the movies.
Kenny: {Or something out of the mind of an extremely <bleep>ed up fanfic writer!}
Sheila: Well, I'm gonna go talk to Wendy. I gotta see if she's had any luck with finding the mushroom that she was looking for.
[Silence. Sheila exits]
Stan: Dude! It's almost noon! Where on earth are Cartman and Pip?
[As if on cue, you can hear someone approaching with the noise of those boot spur thingies. The tables in the saloon and the ground start shaking with each approaching step]
Clyde: [looks at glass of water--the water is doing that rippling thing] [shouting] Oh my God! The T-Rex has broken out of its pen!
[some kids screech]
Kyle: Nah! It's just Durango Fatass.
[Laughter]
[We now pan to a shot of the swinging doors of the saloon entrance. Cartman kicks them open, as in those Western movies. The doors swing back at him, and he's knocked down. We hear a splash--implying he landed in a water trough]
Cartman: [offscreen] Awww, *WEAK*!!!
[We hear him climb out of the water trough after a bit of struggling, then we hear a squish]
Cartman: [still offscreen] EEEEWWWW!!!!! HORSE SHIT!!!!!! These stupid hippie freaks don't even know what a pooper scooper is.
[Cartman finally enters the saloon. He, too, is dressed as a cowboy. He's trying his best to imitate a cowboy walk]
Cartman: [in Western accent] Howdy, y'all! [tilts hat, chews on bubble gum as he talks, and occasionally spits] Any of y'all been a'seeing if ole Pip has been a'comin roun'? Or did the ole bastard turn yeller?
Stan: Dude! There is something seriously wrong with you!
Kyle: He's Durango Fatass. What do you expect?
Cartman: AY! Screw yah gaaaahhhhs! I'm a'gonna mosey mysef on home!
[Sheila re-enters]
Sheila: Dude, Cartman! There ya are!
Cartman: How's mah purdy l'il tomato doin'?
Sheila: Tomato? Ooohh! I get it! It's a vegetable thing, isn't it? Like the avocado!
Kyle: What on earth is this thing about the avocados, anyway?
Sheila: I'm just trying to find it, that's all. Same way that Wendy's trying to find a mushroom and Bebe's trying to find an artichoke.
[Kenny laughs hysterically]
Kyle: Whatever.
Sheila: Cartman, can you tell me *why* you and Pip are gonna fight?
Cartman: Umm, well...
[Before he can say anything else, the doors of the saloon swing open. A hush comes over all the people in the saloon. Pip enters. He's dressed all in black, as a cowboy of course, and his hat is a bit too big for him]
Clyde: [hushed] It's Desperado Pip!
Everyone: [in awe] Desperado Pip!
[Bad guy music--Dum, Dum, DUMM!!!!]
Pip: Oh...oh dear me! [thinking] Uh oh. Whatever shall I do? This doesn't look too good for me!
[Cartman approaches Pip, with the cowboy walk]
Cartman: Yer gonna be sorry, for interferin'!
[Clyde enters, from outside]
Clyde: I can't see my shadow. That only means one thing.
Everyone: [hushed] High Noon!
Sheila: Will someone *please* tell me *why* there's gonna be a showdown?
[We hear bells start to ring]
Stan: It's time for the showdown.
[Everyone steps outside. Cartman and Pip stand about twenty feet apart in the middle of the road. Everyone else is on the boardwalk thing, looking on]
[Shot of sun. Vultures are shown flying around it. The air does that wavering-from- the-heat thing. Tumbleweeds blow by. One really big tumbleweed rolls really fast, toward Kenny, who doesn't notice it. He gets tangled up in it, and it chokes him]
Kenny: {NOOOOOOO!!!!}
[Dies]
Stan: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Sheila: And schmegagies!
Kyle: WHAT?!? WHAT IS THIS SCHMEGAGY THING ALREADY?
Sheila: I don't know, dude. I just don't know. It is a power that far transcends our knowledge.
[Vultures come down and take away Kenny]
[Attention gets turned back to Cartman and Pip]
[The camera does that panning thing when it starts at the feet, and gives a full-length view of the duelers]
Sheila: [as view of Cartman is shown] Cartman is *sexy*!
Kyle: Sheila! Shut up! You're sick, ya know that?
Sheila: [sing-songy] Kyle's wearing stilettos! Kyle's wearing stilettos!
[Everyone looks at Kyle's feet, and laughs]
Kyle: You're gonna pay!
[Attention back to duel]
[Close up on Cartman's eyes. He narrows them. Close up on Pip's eyes. They look scared]
[Their hands are poised above their Super Soaker Squirt Guns]
Clyde: On the count of 10, you'll draw!
Clyde: 10
Clyde: 9
Clyde: 8
[Pip looks around nervously]
Clyde: 7
Clyde: 6
Clyde: 5
Cartman: You're gonna die for trying to steal my girlfriend, you French schmegagy!
Clyde: 4
Clyde: 3
Sheila: HUH?
Clyde: 2
Clyde: 1
[A vulture overhead poops on Cartman's head]
Cartman: Aww, goddammit!
[Cartman tries to wipe poop off his head]
Clyde: And, *draw*!
Pip: AAAAHHHH!!!!
[Pip draws out squirt gun, and shoots Cartman, before Cartman knows what happened]
Cartman: He...He...got...me...AAAHHH! Can't...live...much...longer....
[Cartman teeters on one foot and falls over]
[Everyone gasps]
Pip: Oh, I did it! I DID IT! Oh, glorious day! Oh, I have won the love of Sheila!
Sheila: My aunt said it best when she said: WHAT, WHAT, *WHAT*?!?!? What on *earth* is that schmegagy talking about?
Pip: Oh, Eric saw a love letter I wrote to you, and he got mad that I was trying to steal you. He didn't believe me that you really liked me, and wanted to leave him for me. So, I challenged him to a duel, so I can win your love and prove that I really like you, and that I'm the one for you.
Sheila: [shocked] YOU...YOU...Oh, never mind that now! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO CARTMAN?!?!?
[Sheila kneels down by Cartman]
Sheila: Cartman?
[Cartman opens his eyes]
Cartman: I..I'm sorry...He won. If you like him, then I guess that's it...
Sheila: What?!? NO! No way! I love *you*, Cartman! I'd *never* leave you! I don't know why the hell that French kid was misleading you like that! But, he's lying here!
Pip: But, you helped me with my math problems! You were *nice* to me! And, you called me a schmegagy!
Sheila: I *happened* to be in a strange mood! And, do you even know what a schmegagy *is*?
Pip: No. What is it?
Sheila: I...I don't know. But what I *do* know is that you were totally talking bullshit, and you totally freaked out Cartman!
Pip: I..I'm sorry. I thought you really did like me!
Sheila: I *don't* like you! Well, sometimes I may be slightly tolerating of you, but I'm *not* in love with you! Get that through your croissant head right now!
Cartman: Dude, Sheila! I'm so sorry about the misunderstanding. I'm really so-
[He doesn't get a chance to finish his sentence. Sheila smooches him]
[After a bit]
Kyle: Eeeww! Would you two be kind enough to cut it out *SOMETIME THIS YEAR*?!?!
Sheila: YOU STUPID SCHMEGAGY! YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF HERE!
[Sheila and Cartman stand up. Cartman takes off cowboy hat and jacket. He's wearing his normal outfit]
Pip: [grasping for threads] Sheila, aren't you even a *little* bit impressed? Don't you even like me one little bit?
Sheila: You know, I may be, just a bit.
Everyone: HUH?
Pip: [eyes widen] *REALLY*?!?
Sheila: Yeah, it just so totally amazes me that someone can be such a STUPID ASSHOLE SCHMEGAGY! GO BUY YOURSELF A <BLEEP>ING PINWHEEL!
Pip: Right-o! Oh, dear, now how many can I buy if they're $.25 apiece and I have $50?
Sheila: Damn you, you math failure! I spend all my time tutoring you, and now you *FORGET EVERYTHING*??? DIE, YOU SCHMEGAGY BASTARD!!!!!!
[Sheila whacks Pip over the head with a literal avocado]
Pip: [sighs] Love hurts!
[END]
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Well? Should I rewrite it (i.e. does it suck?) Or, was it <gasp> good? <hopes it was good! :)> COMMENTS, CRITICISMS, ETC. *PLEASE*!!!!
~Kyle Broslofski~