Here's a preview of my third script, which is being written as we speak. Enthralled? Of course you are.
The Big Gay War A South Park Episode by Martin Hazelbower
Titles and theme song.
Black screen. Caption: Many events in the following episode take place in Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. However, in the end of the tale of 'Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride', Big Gay Al moved away to help gay animals elsewhere. The day after, the gay animals of South Park were again thrown out by the homophobic residents of the town, except for Stan Marsh's dog Sparky. Big Gay Al returned to the town to see how it was doing three days later; he was horrified by the astonishing amount of big gay animals living in gutters and moved back immediately to build a new gay animal sanctuary and take them in. The moral of this story: 'The more things change, the more they stay the same.'
The caption fades, to be replaced by a new one.
Caption: Or maybe, 'The people of South Park are bastards.'
Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. Festive music; balloons and banners are everywhere. One banner says 'Happy Birthday Big Gay Al!'. Al is sitting on a table with wrapped presents all over it. A big gay dog pushes a present towards him.
AL: For me?
He opens the present and takes some pants out.
AL: Wow, lavender coloured leather pants! Just what I always wanted! Who's next?
A big gay water buffalo pushes a present towards him. He opens it and takes some pants out.
AL: Wow, salmon coloured leather pants! Just what I always wanted!
A big gay lion pushes a present towards him. He opens it and takes some pants out.
AL: Wow, platinum coloured leather pants! Just what I always wanted!
Quick shot of black screen. Caption and voice over : Four Hours Later.
The same scene. AL is waist-deep in wrapping paper. He opens another present and takes some pants out.
AL: Wow, saffron coloured leather pants! Just what I always wanted! Only one more present...
Two cats sit on the table, by the only remaining present.
CAT NO. 1: Meow meow meow meow.
Caption: God dammit.
CAT NO. 2: Meow meow, meow meow meow.
Caption: Hey, I said we should get him a leather top.
Outside the animal sanctuary. The kids walk up.
CARTMAN: What the hell is this? You said we were going to the World's Fair.
KYLE: Um, this is where they're holding it this year.
On the sign saying 'Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.' Zoom in on the word 'Gay.'
CARTMAN (O.S.): So why is it so gay?
On the kids again.
STAN: It's gay like 'playful' and 'sporting.'
CARTMAN: Oh, I thought it was queer.
KYLE: No, no.
KENNY: (Are there any lesbians?)
STAN: Any what?
STAN rings the doorbell. AL opens the door.
STAN & KYLE: Happy birthday Big Gay Al!
CARTMAN: Who the hell is this?
KENNY: (I wonder if there's any big gay pot around.)
KENNY pushes past AL into the sanctuary.
AL: What a great surprise! I'm speechless, little buddies!
CARTMAN: Hey, this isn't the World's Fair!
STAN (whispering to AL): We had to give him a story so he'd come.
AL nods.
AL: And who's your friend, Stan?
KYLE: I'm Kyle.
AL: That's so totally super! I can see we'll get along great.
STAN: How's your birthday coming?
AL: I've gotten some great gifts, and we have a big gay angel's food cake.
STAN: We got you a present too. We thought, what can you get the gay man who has everything?
AL: I'm sure anything will be great.
STAN: Magenta coloured leather pants!
STAN holds up the magenta coloured leather pants.
AL: But I already have nine pairs of mageta coloured leather pants.
STAN: Well, we can exchange them for something.
AL: Oh, no worries kiddo. I'll just dye them puce.
CARTMAN: What the hell is puce?
AL: Are you gay?
CARTMAN: No.
AL: You wouldn't understand.
CARTMAN: You're gay?
AL: Sure am, little buddy.
CARTMAN turns on STAN and KYLE.
CARTMAN: You sons of bitches! You're screwing with me! I hate gay people!
STAN: Shut up Cartman.
AL: Maybe you should visit my big gay boat ride. You would learn about gayness.
CARTMAN: I don't wanna learn about gayness!
AL: You'll thank me later.
AL drags CARTMAN through the door to the boat ride, then comes back a second later and snaps a padlock on the door. The door shakes.
CARTMAN (O.S.): Let me outa here!
The "We're all gay" music starts to play.
CARTMAN (O.S.) Dammit! Dammit dammit dammit... hey wait a second, this isn't so bad.
AL: There. That should hold him for a while. Who wants cake?
KENNY wanders in.
KIDS: Me!
AL: Right this way.
They all walk off, following AL.
The room where AL got his presents. A birthday cake is on the table. AL and the kids enter.
AL: Guys! Cake!
The big gay animals gather around the cake. A monkey with a lighter lights the birthday candles. The animals start to sing "Happy Birthday to You" on moos, grunts etc. Suddenly, a loud noise startles everyone. They rush to the window and look outside. Some trucks are driving up to the sanctuary. They park a few feet beside it.
AL: I'm going to see what's going on.
STAN: What the hell? Nobody even knows this place exists!
AL: This could be a threat to our big gay way of life.
AL leaves.
Outside, by the parked trucks. Workers are starting to fence off a big area. AL enters.
AL: What's going on?
WORKER: Just orders. We're surveying this lot.
AL: What for?
WORKER: That's classified. But it's covered under Building Act 421 / A.
AL: 421 / A?
WORKER: Yup.
AL: That's safe havens for homosexual animals on the run?
WORKER: Yup.
AL: Oh my god.
WORKER: What?
AL: Who... who's building this?
WORKER: Can't tell ya. You'll know soon enough; it's gonna be up tomorrow.
AL: Tomorrow?
WORKER: We pride ourself on fast work here.
AL: I can't cope! My animals and I need solitude!
WORKER: Nothin' I can do about it. And button that shirt up, it makes you look gay.
AL: I am gay.
WORKER: It's always those you least suspect, isn't it?
He goes back to work.
Inside the sanctuary again. AL enters.
AL: They're building another big gay animal sanctuary!
KYLE: What a drag.
STAN: Yeah. I think we have to go, you guys. I've got dinner, and there's a show on TV I want to watch.
KYLE: Nice to meet you, Big Gay Al.
AL: Super to meet you too, kiddo.
STAN: Hey, where's Cartman?
KYLE: He was on the boat ride.
AL: Oh no! I locked the homophobic little s*BLEEP*it in!
AL runs to a door in the wall and unlocks it. CARTMAN stumbles out.
CARTMAN (singing): We're all gay... and that's okay... cause gay means...
He collapses.
STAN: What the hell?
KYLE: Dude, I think he's gay!
STAN: Oh.
AL: Prolonged exposure to the music had been proven to cause gayness and insanity, but I didn't listen! Why? Why?
KYLE: Well, it's not as if it matters. Stupid Cartman.
STAN: Come on Cartman. We'll get you some help.
CARTMAN (weakly): Does anybody have any toasted cheese sandwitches?
STAN: He's got it bad.
AL: Well, bye kids. Sorry about your friend, this lifestyle isn't for everyone.
STAN: Bye, Big Gay Al.
The kids leave, dragging CARTMAN with them.
CAERMAN's house. The kids sit on the sofa watching TV. KITTY runs in and starts to lick CARTMAN's face.
CARTMAN (now speaking with a pronounced lisp): Heeheehee! Stop, stop, you're killing me!
KYLE: Okay Cartman, you can stop being gay now.
CARTMAN: Oh, don't be a meanie. I'm the same Eric I always was.
STAN: So why are you lisping?
CARTMAN: I am not lithping.
KYLE: It's on.
On the TV. It's "The Simpsons." BART is sitting on the sofa. HOMER walks into the room, smoking a pipe.
HOMER: Hey boy, how do you like my new pipe?
The pipe explodes, lighting HOMER's head on fire. He screams like Nancy Kerrigan.
BART: Check this out, Dad.
BART shoots him through the face with a pistol.
HOMER: D'oh!
He falls over.
BART: Ay caramba!
On the kids.
KYLE: This crap is so repetitive.
STAN: Check on HBC.
KYLE changes the channel.
On the TV again. TERRANCE and PHILIP sit on their couch as usual.
PHILIP: Terrance?
TERRANCE: Yes Philip?
PHILIP: I think I'm about to fart.
TERRANCE: Well, drink this first.
He takes a bottle from his pocket.
On the bottle. It reads 'Liquid Beans' on the label.
PHILIP: You know I can never turn down concentrated liquid beans.
He grabs the bottle and pours it into his mouth, then tosses it aside empty.
TERRANCE: Oh, this should be a sight.
PHILIP: Yes indeedy.
PHILIP farts. It's the most incredible fart he's ever done, sending him far up in the air on a cloud of brown like a fart powered rocket.
TERRANCE: You stained the couch brown, asshole!
They laugh for about fifteen seconds.
VOICE OVER: This Terrance and Philip was filmed on location in San Francisco.
On the kids.
STAN: San Francisco?
CARTMAN: My mom says... there's a lot of gay people in San Francisco.
KYLE: Like you?
CARTMAN: I'm not gay, silly billy.
MS. CARTMAN enters.
MS. CARTMAN: Would you boys like some Cheezy Poofs and Sugar Slop?
KYLE, STAN, KENNY: Yeah!
CARTMAN: None for me, thanks.
MS. CARTMAN: Are you feeling all right, Eric?
CARTMAN: I'm feeling so super, Mom! Do we have any Mountain Dew?
MS. CARTMAN: Mountain Dew? Eric, that's not like you.
STAN: He got locked in a boat ride for a few hours, and the music drove him gay.
MS. CARTMAN: My little pookie pie's gay?
KYLE: Pookie pie? What the hell does that mean?
MS. CARTMAN: Don't worry Eric! We'll do whatever we need to make you well!
She grabs CARTMAN and drags him out.
Outside the house. MS. CARTMAN throws CARTMAN into her car and zooms off. A sign reads "HOSPITAL" and points in the direction she drove.
In the house again.
KYLE: Dude, now we won't get Sugar Slop.
STAN: Is that a new flavor?
KYLE: I think there was always Sugar Slop and Choco Slop.
STAN: Oh.
At the bus stop. STAN, KYLE and KENNY stand there. The bus drives up and the door opens. The kids enter.
Inside the bus.
MS. CRABTREE: Sit down we're runnin' late!
KYLE: You've gained a lot of weight, you stupid ho.
KENNY: (You I really hate. It's goats you blow.)
MS.CRABTREE: What did you say?!
KYLE and KENNY: If we're running late, we'd better go.
MS. CRABTREE: Oh. My sentiments exactly.
KYLE and KENNY: Yes!
They exchange high-fives.
The classroom. GARRISON is droning on as usual.
GARRISON: Hold it. Where's that little fat monster Eric?
STAN: His mom took him to a hospital. She's trying to fix his gayness.
GARRISON: He's gay? Hmm, I'll never look at him the same way again.
STAN: You try to avoid looking at us anyway.
GARRISON: So?
CLYDE raises his hand.
GARRISON: Yes, Clyde?
CLYDE: Um, aren't you gay?
GARRISON: Mister, you are expelled.
CLYDE leaves, looking unconcerned.
GARRISON: I'm not gay! Gay people are bastards. They've committed virtually every unsolved crime in history, from the assassination of Ronald Reagan...
STAN: Didn't he die of terminal oldness or something?
GARRISON: So they've gotten to you too! They've committed every unsolved crime, from Reagan's assassination up to coating my computer keyboard with a milky substance and throwing an entrail of some sort agaqinst my door last night. Any questions?
STAN raises his hand.
GARRISON: Yes, Stan?
STAN: If cats always land on their feet, and buttered toast always lands butter side down, what would happen if you attached toast butter side up to a cat's back and threw it off your balcony?
GARRISON: Well Stan, conventional wisdom states that the cat would float.
STAN: Kickass!
KYLE: Doesn't Cartman have a cat?
STAN: Yeah, I think so.
KYLE: My brother always lands on his head, would the same principle apply?
GARRISON: I believe it would, yes.
KYLE: Kick the baby time tonight.
The bell rings. The kids walk out.
Outside. The kids are looking at a pink coloured building far off in the horizon.
STAN: What the hell is that?
KYLE: It's right by that gay place!
Zoom in on the building, and the sign on the door. It reads "Big Gay Mitch's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary."
End of Act 1.
To be continued...
Martin
"God, grant me the strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference."
--Calvin and Hobbes