Comments and criticism appreciated. I think this is pretty good because it maintains character believability (I don't make them do things they wouldn't normally do). If you wish to post to a web page then you may but please tell me so I can check out your web page.
The Weird Kid by Wayne Stewart Copyright � 1998 Wayne Stewart
The characters and locations of the show "South Park" are all copyrighted by their respective owners and creators. This work uses those characters and locations with respect to their copyright owners. This work was not done for profit or sale to anyone other than those who hold the rights to purchase such works. This work itself is Copyright � 1998 Wayne Stewart in text and content alone.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- [We open with a wide shot of the planet earth. We then see a meteor flying towards it. We zoom in towards the earth until we think we may hit it around the Arizona/New Mexico region. We cut to an airforce base where alarms are going off and jet fighters are being launched. We cut into the control room where a Captain Hummel is frantically trying to coordinate a defense against what he thinks is an attack. Next to him stands Captain Davis who doesn't seem nearly so upset. In fact he is slowly sipping coffee. Everyone else in the room is running around frantically smashing into each other and throwing papers everywhere. We hear a female voice over the intercom.]
FEMALE INTERCOM VOICE(like "Mother" from alien) Satcom link has locked on an unidentified missile crossing the White Sands area at an altitude of 7 miles. Impact with the earth in 35 seconds.
HUMMEL (into the microphone - sounding very serious) Strike Team Condor have you sighted the bogey?
STC LEADER (static from headset) No, Captain Hummel. We have a radar lock at sixteen miles but this baby is cooking. I don't see how we'll ever catch it with Jenkins up here.
[We cut to a wide view of several strike planes flying through the air. One of the jets seems to be flying odd patterns in front of everyone else keeping them from reaching maximum speed. We cut into this cockpit and see a squirrly looking fellow with buck teeth and a crazy hillbilly smile.]
JENKINS Hyuck! Hyuck! Weeeeee!
[We cut back to the base.]
HUMMEL Damn it Jenkins! Straighten up and fly right!
STC LEADER (voice through intercom) What should we do, sir?
HUMMEL Fire all missiles now! Before it gets out of range!
STC LEADER (voice through intercom) Gee, sir. He may be a loon but he has a family.
HUMMEL At the god damned bogey you moron!
STC LEADER (voice through intercom) Oh, sorry! Everyone fire on my mark.
[We cut to a view of the sky. We see the jets fly into view.]
STC LEADER (voice over) Fire!
[The four or five jets launch their missiles. All of them somehow miss the jet that is flying in spirals and swoops (jenkins). Jenkins, however, fires his missiles straight into two of the other 3 jets. The jets explode and the men parachute out. We cut back to the base. Hummel is listen to a horrid damage report of the two planes brought down.]
STC LEADER (voice through intercom) The men survived but their planes are toast, sir.
HUMMEL This must be a superior enemy with advanced long range weapons.
STC LEADER (voice through intercom) Actually I think Jenkins shot them down. He's a loose cannon up here, sir.
DAVIS (taking a small sip of his coffee) You, know. This is some mighty fine coffee.
HUMMEL (puts his hand over his face) For the love of God, Davis, we're all going to die!
DAVIS Nonsense. (he takes a sip) We'll be in fine shape....just like this coffee.
HUMMEL (shaking his fist at Davis) This is not a game! We are under attack from unknown forces with hostile intent.
DAVIS (still not upset) Ouch, Hummel. I don't think you should have said it quite like that.
HUMMEL (confused) What? Why not?
FEMALE INTERCOM VOICE Thank you for using the emergency self destruct sequence. This base will self destruct in t-minus 5 minutes.
HUMMEL (looking towards the ceiling and shaking his fist) Damn you mother! You god damned stupid computer. Turn OFF the emergency self destruct sequence!
FEMALE INTERCOM VOICE Sticks and stones will disrupt my circuitry but words will never hurt me. You now have 1 minute till this base self destructs.
DAVIS (looking at his coffee) Damn, this coffee is REALLY good. That was the fastest 4 minutes ever.
HUMMEL (getting red with anger) That wasn't 4 minutes! The stupid computer skipped ahead!
DAVIS (looking at the ceiling) Is that true, Mother?
FEMALE INTERCOM VOICE Yes. But you couldn't have possibly made it out in 5 minutes anyway.
DAVIS Good point.
STC LEADER (voice over the intercom) We lost the bogey. It has gone over the Colorado border.
DAVIS Shew. I'm glad that's over. We're finally safe.
HUMMEL (looking down into his hands) Asshole...
[We cut to a wide view of the base. It suddenly explodes. When the flames and smoke clear it is nothing but a smoking hole in the ground. The two remaining attack jets fly over the hole.]
STC LEADER (voice over) Tower, requesting permission to land. (pause) Tower? (pause) Damn it, Jenkins, stop that rough riding!
JENKINS (voice over) Hyuck! Hyuck! Weeeee!
[We cut to South Park. We see Kyle, Stan, Eric and Kenny at the bus stop. Cartman seems to be digging through his lunch bag looking for something that is deep in the bottom.]
CARTMAN (growling) I swear I'd better find a Snacky Cake down here or there will be hell to pay!
KYLE You already ate two and we haven't even gotten on the bus yet.
CARTMAN That Mrs. Crabtree makes me nervous and when I'm nervous I eat. I really don't think she likes me. It's quite unsettling.
KENNY (muffled) No wonder you're so fat. Nobody likes you.
CARTMAN (looking up for a second) Hey! Screw you, Kenny! (he looks back down into his bag) I think I feel one!
STAN (eyes wide looking towards the sky) Look!
[A flaming meteor buzzes the boys. Everyone ducks except Cartman who doesn't even notice it. The meteor bounces off a ridge and lands somewhere on the other side.]
CARTMAN (looking up with disgust in his eyes) Hey! That is really weak. Which one of you low lifes farted.
STAN (getting back on his feet like everyone else) Dude, that wasn't a fart. A meteor just went by.
KYLE Yeah. It almost took off your head!
CARTMAN Oh yeah, sure! Tell me another one because I'm not quite dumb enough to buy what you're sellin' lamo!
KYLE Cartman! Fat ass!
STAN Nevermind him. What do you think...
CARTMAN (Looking up and holding a snacky cake high) I found it! I found it! (he suddenly notices a large barrage of missiles is heading towards the boys) INCOMING!
[Everyone scatters. The missiles mostly go over head but one explodes into Cartman's snacky cake as he tosses it away and dives for cover. Trees are uprooted, flames pour over the bus stop and up into the ridge where the meteor crossed. The boys get up slowly. They are shaken and covered in black scorch marks. The rumbling dies down.]
CARTMAN (obviously angry) Okay that's it! I am going to sign an official complaint! That was not even funny!
STAN What in the <bleep>ck is going on!
KENNY (muffled) I think someone is trying to kill us! 'bout time I had some company.
CARTMAN (still mad) Up yours, muffle boy! (everyone looks at him with shock as if he shouldn't have pointed this out) Those missiles destroyed a perfectly good Snacky Cake. It was still warm in my hands. (he falls to his knees and starts pounding the snow) Oh the humanity!
KYLE You've lost it!
[The bus suddenly comes squealing up to the boys. The door opens and everyone jumps a bit because they hadn't expected it to arrive so quickly.]
MRS. CRABTREE I saw the whole thing! Are you boys alright?!
STAN I think so.
MRS. CRABTREE Good!
[She closes the door to the bus and drives off. Everyone is left standing there in amazement.]
CARTMAN (kind of shaky) I think we were supposed to get on before she left.
STAN God damn that bitch! What the hell did she leave us here for?
CARTMAN Maybe she was distrought by the explosion. I don't think we should make a big deal out of this when we see her again.
KYLE Shut up, Cartman! Now we're stranded out here with no way to school.
CARTMAN Hey! Don't take your agressions out on me! I was just attacked by the friggin Air Force!
STAN Dude, so were we.
KENNY (muffled) And I'll be god damned if any of you didn't die! I really don't think this is fair. Not f@cking fair at all!
KYLE (yelling) Everybody calm down! Look here comes Chef.
[Sure enough, Chef's car pulls up along the road. However, it keeps going.]
KENNY (muffled - he starting to shake) I'll be f@cked! What the hell is up? Are we f@cking invisible?
KYLE Kenny, just calm down.
KENNY (muffled - really, really shaking) Calm down! I've only been awake for a f@cking hour and already I've been narrowly missed by a flaming meteorite and half a dozen missiles! And now people keep passing us by! This is not a good place to be standing!
STAN (in a reassuring voice) We were almost killed, too. I think you need to take a deep breath and think about this.
KENNY (taking a deep breath) Well, okay. Maybe it isn't so bad.
[Suddenly Kenny explodes!]
CARTMAN (smartalecky) Good advice, Stan. Just take a deep breath and think about it. (solemn) It was just more than his poor bones could handle.
STAN Oh my god! I killed Kenny.
KYLE You couldn't possibly have known, Stan...(weak but necessary) you bastard!
CARTMAN (upset) So now there's just the 3 of us, stranded out here with no hope of survival.
STAN What are you talking about? We only live a mile from here.
CARTMAN Are you suggesting that we stay home from school.
KYLE Cartman! The school is 8 miles from here! We can either walk home or walk to school. You do the math.
CARTMAN (smartalecky) If I'm not going to school then I'm not doing any math. So there.
STAN (walking away) Let's go.
[They all walk off. We then cut to a view of the landed meteorite. It is sticking in a snow bank on the other side of the ridge where the bus stop sits. It is about 6 feet in diameter and is still steaming. A crack suddenly appears in its surface. The crack fishes its way around the middle of the meteorite and then the top pops off with a "woosh!". There is a hard chord of music as we zoom in and out on this new development. Suddenly a little kid literally flies from the inside of the meteorite. He looks like he is about 2 years old (in South Park years) and has a healthy head of jet black hair styled like old fat elvis. He wears a yellow shirt with an odd red and black symbol on the front (it looks like a + signs with stars around it). He wears red tights and has a blue cape. When he lands he puts his hands on his hips and poses like Superman. A hard chord of music hits. Stan and Kyle walk by. They don't even seem to notice the kid, who hasn't changed his pose. We can hear Cartman off screen complaining about something.]
CARTMAN (slowly coming onto the screen) Slow down! I wasn't prepared for all this hiking. I thought we'd be on the bus right about now!
STAN (from off screen) Well, I'm not slowing down for your fat ass.
CARTMAN (he is talking but notices the weird kid as he passes) Well we're not going to my house if you don't wait up for me. You can just go home and play with your little brother...and...your...son of a bitch!
KYLE (sounding offended) My what?!
CARTMAN (looking at the weird kid who hasn't changed his pose) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
STAN (he and Kyle come back into view) What in the <bleep>ck are you laughing at!
CARTMAN (he starts rolling in the snow he is laughing so hard) Oh! It hurts! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
KYLE Jesus Christ! What the hell is up with this kid?
STAN (to the kid) Dude, are you lost?
CARTMAN (trying to regain his composure) Spiffy pajamas, lame nuts!
KYLE (to Stan) I'll bet he's one of those retarded orphan kids.
STAN (back to Stan) You mean from the retarded orphanage up the street?
KYLE I'm guessing, yes.
CARTMAN (slowly so the kid may understand him) Are...you...retarded? Did...you...know...you're...only...wearing...pajamas?
WEIRD KID (in a deep and booming voice) Straoblah drenunjure!
[The kids jump back and scream. This little kid has a man's voice - coincidentally like Michael Dorn (Warf). The kids look at each other and then at the kid who is still in that same ridiculous looking pose.]
STAN (to Kyle) Dude, I think he must have swallowed something.
CARTMAN (as if he knows it all) Yeah, your average retarded kid will swallow things.
KYLE That was freaky, Dude. What the hell did he say?
CARTMAN (again as if he knows it all) Well I had a retarded freind once. And I learned a little bit of their speech. And I believe he told us to carry on and never mind him. I suggest we listen.
STAN (angry at this suggestion) And I had a retarded friend named Eric Cartman once. And he was fat and stupid!
KYLE (laughing) Good one.
CARTMAN Hey! I don't have to put up with your wise cracks!
KYLE We can't just leave him here. Look at him. I don't think he even knows where he is. He'll freeze in those pajamas.
STAN (to Kyle first) You're right. Let's see if he'll follow us back to the orphanage. (to the weird kid and slow) Will...you...let...us...take...you...home?
WEIRD KID (still in a deep and booming voice) Glapikfig okabami!
[The kids scream and jump back again. This time Cartman comes up to his face. He is obviously upset over the whole thing.]
CARTMAN Hey! (pause) Hey! (pause) Stop doing that! What's wrong with you, you mental retard? Are you crazy?
[Suddenly the kid leaps into the air and starts flying circles.]
STAN Oh my god! He's flying!
CARTMAN Actually he just jumped. But it's a pretty good one.
KYLE (to Cartman) You moron! He's flying!
CARTMAN Look I know a jump when I see one! I've seen better ones than that.
[The kid starts doing loop-da-loops in the middle of the air.]
CARTMAN (giving in - but not amazed) Okay, well that is your classic case of flying up there. Pretty spectacular really.
[The kid lands in front of the group. He again places his arms on his hips.]
KYLE I didn't know retards could fly.
CARTMAN (still a know it all) Yeah. You see when they take away one sense you get a whole bunch extra in other senses. This kid is so stupid that his sense of flight is really high. Poor kid.
[Kyle and Stan look at each other and then back at Cartman.]
STAN (to Cartman) There's no such thing as a sense of flight, you fat ass!
CARTMAN Oh yes there is. And his is way over developed. I don't see any good coming of that. Especially with him being retarded and all.
KYLE (to the kid) Where are you from, dude?
CARTMAN (stepping up to the group) He's just some weird kid. Let's leave him here and go to my house. If we're not going to school then I need to play!
STAN (to Cartman) Chill out, Cartman.
CARTMAN (smartalecky) If I knew we'd be having this much fun I would have walked to school!
KYLE (to Cartman) You're not missing anything important, fat ass! School will be there tomorrow.
[We cut to Mr. garrison's class. He is moving a movie projector into place as the other kids watch with reluctant participation.]
MR HAT Why is it so quiet in here today, Mr. Garrison?
MR GARRISON I don't know Mr. Hat and I don't have time to figure it out. (to the class) Okay, class, the board education has decided they want sex education taught in the third grade instead of the fifth. Since we weren't prepared for this, today will be the only day this subject is taught. If you don't learn it now then God help us all. And since we were so ill equipped we couldn't get the regular Simon Rabbit Meets Fluffy Bunny film. So instead we have Tracy Does Texas. (pause) You might want to smoke 'em if you got 'em.
[Mr. Garrison turns on the film. We hear moaning and groaning and ews and ahs and the class stares wide eyes. A few kids even tug at their collars like their chests are on fire. We cut back to the gang.]
CARTMAN Are you sure we're not missing something important? My mom told me a long story about Oodle the poodle and the handsome Fireman last night and then handed me a signed permission slip.
STAN And you didn't eat it!
CARTMAN (as Stan and Kyle laugh) Screw you, Stan! You retarded flying baby lovers can baby sit some retarded flying baby if you want but I am going home!
[As Cartman walks off Stan and Kyle realize that the weird kid is also laughing. His laugh is deep and boisterous. He still stands with his hands on his hips.]
KYLE (to weird kid) Dude, you have a serious problem there.
[The weird kid suddenly launches himself in the air and begins flying after Cartman. Stan and Kyle run after him. Cartman is walking on the snowy sidewalk and grumbling about the recent events. He is unaware of the weird kid's approach.]
CARTMAN (under his breath) I don't see what's so special about being able to fly. If I wasn't so smart I could probably fly too. I really feel kind of sorry for the little retard.
[With a "chohungwo!" the weird kid kicks Cartman in the back. Cartman screams and goes skidding off the screen while the kid lands with his hands firmly planted on his hips.]
CARTMAN (coming out of a snow bank) Hey! Why did you kick me you little retard!?
[Without answering the weird kid suddenly shoots red lasers out of his eyes and into the snow around Cartman. Cartman gets up screaming and is forced to dive and roll to avoid the red hot beams.]
STAN (as he and Kyle come upon the scene) Cool. The flying retarded boy has laser beams shooting from his eyes.
CARTMAN (we see him diving behind another large snow bank) Stop trying to kill me!
KYLE (approaching the weird kid) Hey, retarded boy. No...shoot...Cartman.
STAN (also coming up) Yeah. He...very...big...target...easy...to...hit.
CARTMAN (from behind the snowbank) Stop talking to the retard and start kicking his ass! This is really much more than I am willing to handle!
[The weird kid takes to the air again. He moves off the screen and we see Stan and Kyle's eyes light up in amazement. We cut back to a wide view of the area. Cartman suddenly runs onto the screen. He is being chased by the weird kid who is flying and simultaneously trying to hit Eric with an uprooted tree.]
CARTMAN HELP! Stop trying to hit me with a tree you strong, laser eye, flying retarded baby!
[We cut to a close up of Stan and Kyle after the scene goes by.]
STAN (to Kyle) You remember when Cartman was being chased by that giant worm while God tried to strike him down with lightning?
KYLE Yeah, Dude. That was cool.
STAN This is way better!
KYLE For real, Dude. But I don't think that kid is retarded.
STAN If he is, God help us all.
[We cut to a scene where the street is momentarily clear. We hear the slowly building scream of Cartman. When it hits its peak he comes on to the screen run from the flying baby who is also trying to flatten him with a really large uprooted tree.]
CARTMAN Help! Somebody save me! Anybody! (pause) I'm really not particular at this moment!
[We cut to the Mayor's office. She is sitting at her desk while Officer Barbrady is looking out the window.]
MAYOR What are you looking at?
OFFICER BARBRADY Some super kid trying to kill Eric Cartman with a tree. It really is quite amazing.
MAYOR (standing) Don't you think you should do something about that?
OFFICER BARBRADY I'm watching, aren't I?
MAYOR (doubtful) Yeah. Good thing, too, I guess.
[We cut to a view of Jimbo's humvee sitting beside the road. It is jacked up on one end and he is underneath fixing something while Ned hands him tools.]
JIMBO (face covered with oil - peaking out from beneath the vehicle) Damn oil pan! I think the gasket is shot. This puppy is bone dry.
NED This doesn't fair well for the boys in blue.
[Jimbo just looks at Ned and blinks his eyes.]
JIMBO Just hand me a 9/16 and keep a look out for the fuzz. I don't think we're supposed to be making auto repairs here.
NED Will do.
[We cut back to a wide view of the area. We hear Cartman's building scream. He suddenly comes into view and runs past Ned and the humvee while the weird kid tries to flatten him with the tree. Ned watches the entire event but says nothing. Cartman and the kid move off screen right. We cut in close to the humvee.]
JIMBO (peaking out from the humvee) Did you see the police?
NED No.
[We cut to a tired Stan and Kyle who have made it as far as the meteorite. They pause for a few breaths. They notice they are standing near the open meteorite.]
STAN Dude, it's that meteorite.
KYLE Yeah. This thing almost killed us.
STAN (noticing something inside) Look at this!
[Stan pulls out what seems to be a small pair of underwear. They are yellow and have that odd symbol on them.]
KYLE (amazed) It looks like that weird kid's pajamas.
STAN (noticing something else) And look at this!
[Stan pulls out a small crystal rod that is glowing red.]
KYLE It's a <bleep>ucking dildo!
STAN I'll bet that retarded boy came out of here.
KYLE So then he's not a retarded orphan after all.
STAN Worse. He's a <bleep>ucking alien!
[We zoom in and out on Stan as we hit a hard musical chord and he stares at the camera...camera?]
KYLE It's even worse than that! He's a strong, laser eye, flying <bleep>ucking alien!
[We zoom in and out on Kyle as we hit a hard musical chord and he stares at the camera...camera?]
STAN I wonder why he came to South Park.
KYLE I don't think he planned it, Dude. I think he just happened to crash here.
[We cut back to Ned and Jimbo who are now cranking the humvee off the jack. We hear a building scream from Cartman and the same scene that passes before passes again only this time going in the opposite direction. Cartman is begging the little kid to leave him alone.]
CARTMAN Why don't you go play with your other retarded friends and leave me alone! I haven't done anything to you!
[The kid and Cartman exit screen left heading back towards South Park.]
JIMBO (to Ned) I swear that little fat friend of Stan's sure does get himself into some odd situations.
NED It's becoming a very bad habit.
[We cut back to Stan and Kyle.]
STAN Wow! An alien boy right here in South Park.
KYLE I wonder if he's here to be friendly or to destroy us all.
[Cartman and the weird kid go by. The kid is still trying to smash Eric with the large uprooted tree.]
CARTMAN Help!
STAN (throwing the rod at Cartman) Hey, fat ass! Here's your mom's dildo!
[Stan and Kyle laugh. However, the rod lands at Cartman's feet and super baby seems to have less power. We get a close up view of him looking at us and then he goes "ooo!" and falls below our view. We cut back to Cartman in a tight shot. He is holding up the glowing rod with a glint in his eyes. He is nearly out of breath but does manage a line.]
CARTMAN I...have...the...POWER!
[We cut to a wide view of Stan and Kyle. Now we hear a deep scream building and the kid runs by being chased by Cartman who is clubbing him with the red glowing rod.]
CARTMAN Eat dildo you strong ass, laser eye, flying, retarded, orphan, baby!
[Cartman chases the little boy into a large park. Stand and Kyle have followed and Barbrady, the Mayor, Jimbo and Ned also arrive on the scene. Barbrady jumps in front of the group of kids and holds his hand up.]
BARBRADY Oh right, Cartman. You can't go beating innocent children with a...(he notices the kid for the first time) Jesus Christ what the hell is he wearing?
STAN Pajamas...
CARTMAN Hey! You didn't seem to mind when he was trying to kill me with a tree!
JIMBO (stepping up) That there must be one retarded little son of a bitch.
NED Snazzy pajamas little boy.
WEIRD KID (deep voice as usual - hands on hips) Nockitali jonbeeptits!
MAYOR (after everyone jumps) What the <bleep>uck was that!?
KYLE We think he's an alien. He came out of a meteor that landed over there.
CARTMAN (hitting him with the rod) He's a dead alien!
JIMBO (snapping up the rod) Look, son, you can't just go hitting foreigners with...(he looks at the rod and drops it then jumps back) My god! That's plutonium! It's radioactive!
NED We've all been exposed. Kiss your ass good...
STAN (cutting in) No wait, Uncle Jimbo! (He picks the rod up) I think it's kryptolite or something. It makes the baby weak. Without it around he sure is a strong little ass munch.
MAYOR A space baby in South Park. This could be just what this town needs.
CARTMAN (snatching the rod from Stan) If he's staying then I'm shoving this up his ass!
KYLE Gross, Dude!
CARTMAN Well he's not chasing me around town anymore!
[Suddenly a a dark van pulls up into the grass. Two government officials jump out and grab the baby. The men are wearing black suits and dark shades. They throw the baby in the back of the van. One of the men turns back and looks at the shocked group of citizens. He holds up a little pen shaped device (ala Men In Black).]
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL You didn't see a thing.
[He pushes a button on the little device and there is a bright flash.]
CARTMAN (rubbing his eyes as does everyone else) Ah, son of a bitch. That was bright!
OTHER GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL (to the one who flashed the light) You're suppose to flash the light first.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL Oh, damn. I never can remember that part. (to everyone else) Okay, lady and gentlemen. Look this way please.
[The citizens look in his direction. They are rubbing and blinking their eyes.]
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL Say cheese.
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN, JIMBO, NED, BARBRADY, MAYOR (all suddenly smiling) Cheeeeeeese.
[The man flashes the light.]
CARTMAN Ah, son of a bitch! Stop that!
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL Okay, same rules. You didn't see a thing. We were never here.
[The men get back in the van. It backs down the street to the meteorite. The men jump out the back and throw the meteorite into the van. The citizens are still rubbing their eyes. As the van drives by it starts shaking and we hear the men yelling as if they are being pummeled. The van backs up to the citizens again and one man gets out. He has a black eye and his snazzy shades are busted. He grabs the red rod from Cartman.]
CARTMAN (unable to see clearly) Hey! That's my mom's dildo! Give it back!
[The van pulls away. The citizens finally get their vision back. They watch the van pull away.]
BARBRADY What the hell just happened here?
NED Those government men just stole away our retarded space baby.
MAYOR Damn! We could have used a retarded space baby.
JIMBO What the hell for, Mayor?
MAYOR I can't remember.
KYLE I don't remember why we are all standing here. This is weird.
NED We're watching the black van pull away with our retarded space baby inside.
STAN Cool.
[Suddenly a rather large spaceship swoops down from the sky over the van. A huge door opens and a big metal claw reaches down and grabs the van and brings it into the ship. The door closes and the thing launches into space.]
BARBRADY Mayor, I don't think we're ever gonna recover our retarded space baby.
MAYOR <bleep>uck it!
CARTMAN Damn it! I'm never gonna get my mom's dildo back now!
[Ending...While the credits are rolling we see the space ship that took the van get really close to the surface of the moon. It stops and opens its door and a mechanical arm takes the black van out and sets it down on the surface of the moon. The space ship moves away and we close in on the van. We can hear the men talking but we don't see them because they won't get out of the van.]
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL This really sucks.
OTHER GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL Yeah. And they took the kryptolite.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL Yeah. I think that's what they were shoving up my ass!
OTHER GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL Eeew! You were probed.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL I was not probed.
[There is a bright flash of light from the van.]
OTHER GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL You're supposed to use the flash first.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL Damn it!