The Jesus King Of The Jews Messiah Blues By Chris Anderson
[Warnings, song, and titles.]
[Ext. view, Stan's house. We can hear the kids laughing.]
[Int. view, Stan's living room. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are sitting on the couch, watching TV.]
CARTMAN: Damn, you gahs! That was the best Terrance and Phillip Ah have ever seen!
KYLE: What's on now?
STAN: I think it's Jesus and Pals.
CARTMAN: Oh, sweet! Jesus and Pals is comin' on? Kick ass!
STAN: What are you talking about, Cartman? That idiot never answers any of our questions!
KYLE: Yeah, he just always says something about how the path of truth is paved in gold for people who believe in him and crap like that.
CARTMAN: Ay! You just shut your f*ckin' mouth!
KYLE: You didn't get pissed off at Stan when he called Jesus an idiot!
CARTMAN: That's because Stan ain't a little wussy Jew-boy like you. Ah
will not have some f*ckin' Jewish piece of crap talkin' bad 'bout mah savior, Goddammit!
STAN: Shut up, Cartman! You never even go to church! None of us do!
KENNY: Mnnmnmn nnnmmnmnnm nmnmn mnmnnnnmnmn!
[The kids all laugh.]
ANNOUNCER: (On TV.) And now it's time for Jesus and Pals on South Park
Public Access!
[Shot of the TV screen.]
JESUS: (On TV.) Yea. Know that the path of Truth is paved in gold for those who believe in me.
[Cut back to the kids on the couch.]
KYLE: I told you he always says something like that, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Up yours, hippie!
[Cut back to the TV.]
JESUS: (On TV.) Let's take some calls! Hello, caller, you're on the air.
CALLER: (On TV.) Yeah. Is this Jesus?
JESUS: (On TV.) Yes, it is, caller.
CALLER: (On TV.) Well, Jesus, this is Robert from Torry Pines. I have a question. What color paint job would you recommend for a 1971 Barracuda?
JESUS: (On TV.) Robert?
CALLER: (On TV.) Yeah, Jesus?
JESUS: (On TV.) I'm not going to dignify that question with an answer. In fact, for asking such a stupid question, I'm going to send a plague of locusts upon your home.
CALLER: (On TV.) OK. I've...uh...got to go now, Jesus. There's a bunch of locusts eating away at my flesh.
JESUS: (On TV.) Blessed art thou, Robert! Next caller!
[Cut back to the kids. Cartman jumps off the couch and runs to the phone.]
CARTMAN: You gahs, this is gonna be so sweet!
STAN: What are you going to do?
CARTMAN: Ah saw this on this show where everyone was, like, yellow and they only had four fingers.
[The kids all look at their fingers. Cartman dials the phone.]
CARTMAN: (Into the phone.) Yes. Ah have a question for Jesus...
[Cut back to the TV.]
JESUS: (On TV.) Our next caller is B. Eefcake from South Park. Go ahead, B.
CARTMAN: (From the TV.) Jesus, whah is it that all Jewish people suck ass?
JESUS: (On TV.) W-what?
CARTMAN: (From the TV.) You know, they're always makin' sure everything's all kosher and stuff and then they chop off your fireman and make big ol' party out of it!
JESUS: (On TV.) My son?
CARTMAN: (From the TV.) What?
JESUS: (On TV.) You do know that I'm a Jew, right?
[The TV screen cuts away from Jesus and puts up his title screen.]
ANNOUNCER: (On TV.) That's all the time we have for Jesus and Pals...
JESUS: (On TV.) Hey! I've got ten minutes left!
ANNOUNCER: (On TV.) ...Stay tuned for Mrs. Aunt Granny's Wacky Tea Party Time!
[Ext. view, South Park Public Access studios.]
STATION MANAGER: I'm sorry, Jesus, but it's South Park public access policy.
[Int. view, Jesus and Pals set. Jesus and the station manager are there.]
JESUS: But why? Are my ratings that far down again?
STATION MANAGER: Do you want the truth or some lie that will make you feel better?
[Jesus glares at the station manager. There is a flash of lightning and the sound of thunder.]
STATION MANAGER: I'll take that as meaning you want the truth. Well, you see, Jesus, it's like this: You're Jewish, right?
JESUS: Yes.
STATION MANAGER: I'm glad we have that clear.
[The station manager walks away.]
JESUS: What the f*ck!?
[Int. view, Stan's living room.]
STAN: What the Hell just happened?
CARTMAN: Shut up, you gahs! Ah'm tryin' ta watch Mrs. Aunt Granny's Wacky Tea Party Time, dammit!
KENNY: Mmnmmmnnmm nmmmn nmnmn nmnnmmnn mnnnmmnm, Mnmnmn?
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
CARTMAN: Ay! You leave Polly Prissy Pants outta this, you poor son-of-a-bitch!
KYLE: (Mocking Cartman.) Would you like some more tea, Polly Prissy Pants?
STAN: (In a high-pitched voice.) Why, yes, Eric. You are strong and brave.
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny erupt into laughter.]
CARTMAN: That's it! Screw you gahs; Ah'm goin' home.
[No one moves.]
CARTMAN: Ah said, "Screw you gahs; Ah'm goin' home."
STAN: Then go already!
KYLE: Yeah, get your ass out of here, tubby!
CARTMAN: Fahn! Ah'll see you all in Hell!
[Cartman starts to walk out.]
CARTMAN: (Off screen.) Assholes!
[Int. view, Mr. Mackey's office. The camera is facing Mr. Mackey's desk.]
MR. MACKEY: Now, it says here you feel like you're being treated unfairly, mmkay? Would you like to tell me why, mmkay?
[The camera turns to show Jesus sitting in one of the little chairs for kids.]
JESUS: It's just that they cancelled my show and they won't tell me why.
MR. MACKEY: Mmkay. Let's take a look at your resum�. Hmm...mmkay... uh-huh...yeah...mmkay. I think I may see the problem. It says here that you're Jewish, mmkay, is that right?
JESUS: Yes.
MR. MACKEY: Mr. Christ, I don't believe you, mmkay? I mean, where's the little hat-thingy you're supposed to wear?
JESUS: Look, I'm not of the Jewish Faith; I'm Jewish by birth.
MR. MACKEY: So, you don't actually practice Judaism, then?
JESUS: No, dammit! I'm Jesus!
[No response from Mr. Mackey.]
JESUS: As in "Jesus Christ?"
[Still no response from Mr. Mackey.]
JESUS: As in the founder of Christianity?
MR. MACKEY: But you are Jewish, right?
JESUS: Yes.
MR. MACKEY: Well, I'm afraid our time here is up.
JESUS: But...
[Mr. Mackey gets up and pushes Jesus out the door.]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison's classroom.]
MR. GARRISON: Today, class, we're going to learn all about anti-Semitism. Does anyone know what that is?
[No one raises their hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Oh, come on! One of you must know. How about you, Token?
TOKEN: Um...
MR. HAT: BZZZZT!!! Wrong!
CARTMAN: Heh heh. You're a damn idiot, Token.
MR. GARRISON: How about you, Eric?
CARTMAN: (Under his breath.) Oh, man. This is super f*ckin' weak. Lame.
MR. GARRISON: Well, do you know or not, Eric!?
CARTMAN: Ah know what it means!
MR. GARRISON: Well? We're all waiting.
CARTMAN: Is that when, like, Luke Perry left Beverly Hills 90210 to be a big movie star but that all flopped so when went back to 90210?
MR. GARRISON: No, that's ejaculation.
KENNY: Mmnmmm mmnmmnn!
MR. GARRISON: All right, Kenny, you're so smart. What is ejaculation?
KENNY: Mmnmm mnmn mnnnmmm nnnmmm nmmmm nnmmn mnmnmnmnm nmnmn nnnmnmmnm nnmmnmnm. Mmnnnmm nmmnmnmmmnnnmmm nnnmnnmn nmnmnmn nmnmnmnmmnnn nmnmnmnmn nmnmmmn. Nmmnmnmnmm nmn nmnnmnmnm nmnmnm nmmnmnmnmnm.
STAN: Sick, Dude!
MR. GARRISON: Well, that's certainly not what I thought it was! Anyway, class, anti-Semitism is hating someone just because they drive a semi truck. It's a fair and just bias of any healthy society because it allows us to
look down upon someone who has a really crappy job in our eyes. Are there any questions?
[Stan raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Stanley?
STAN: Why are bunnies' noses always twitching?
MR. GARRISON: Well, I don't really know that, Stanley.
STAN: Ooh.
MR. GARRISON: Are there any other questions?
[Kyle raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: What is it, Kyle?
KYLE: Mr. Garrison, my dad says that anti-Semitism is an irrational dislike or hatred towards people of the Jewish race.
MR. GARRISON: Well, I'm afraid your dumb Jewish father is wrong, Kyle.
CARTMAN: Yeah! Whah should we believe some Jewish gah who can't even get a nerection?
MR. GARRISON: What was that, Eric!?
CARTMAN: Ah said, "Kyle's dad can't get a nerection."
[Mr. Garrison bursts out laughing. He sits down at his desk and takes off his glasses to wipe the tears from his eyes. Then, he falls out of his chair, still laughing. Finally, he gets up and starts to calm down.]
MR. GARRISON: Whew! Heh heh. That's great! Phew! Eric, you have a detention for that. Get your ass to Mr. Mackey's office right now.
CARTMAN: Goddammit!
[Cartman gets out of his seat and leaves the room.]
[Int. view, Mr. Mackey's waiting room. Jesus and Craig are sitting across from each other there.]
JESUS: ...And so they fired me and I don't eve...
[Craig flips Jesus off.]
JESUS: What was that!?
CRAIG: Nothing.
JESUS: Oh. OK. Anyway, I just told them that I'm a Jew and...
[Craig flips Jesus off again.]
JESUS: That time I know you flipped me off! What is your name!?
[Craig flips Jesus off again. Jesus stands up and points at Craig.]
JESUS: You little son-of-a...
[Cartman enters.]
JESUS: God. You little son of God.
CARTMAN: Hey, Craig.
[Craig flips Cartman off.]
CARTMAN: Ay! Don't flip me off, asshole! Ah'll kick your ass!
[Cartman sits down, one seat away from Jesus. He turns and looks at Jesus and looks as though he's concentrating. Jesus turns to Cartman.]
JESUS: What the f*ck are you looking at?
CARTMAN: Aren't you that gah on TV who's always all like "Yeah, Ah am the King of Big Sh*t" and stuff?
JESUS: Yeah, that's me. I'm Jesus. What's your name?
CARTMAN: Eric Cartman.
JESUS: Cartman? Hmmm...Cartman. Where have I seen that name before?
[Cut to Heaven, complete with fluffy white clouds, harp music, and the angelic choir singing. There's an angel sitting at a table writing on a
scroll. Another angel enters.]
ANGEL #1: Is that the updated list?
ANGEL #2: Yep. Here you go, the list of people who are doomed to go to
Hell.
[Angel #2 gives Angel #1 another scroll. Angel #1 sets the scroll down on the table he's working at.]
ANGEL #1: Thanks. Wanna go hit a bar?
ANGEL #2: Killer! Let's go!
[The angels exit. As they are leaving, Angel #1 bumps the table and the
list of people who are doomed to go to Hell rolls part way off the table and rolls open. The camera zooms in and looks at the list we can see some of the names: "David Hasselhoff, Martha Stewart, Tom Bodett, Dan Rather, Eric Cartman, Trey Parker, and Matt Stone."]
[Cut back to the waiting room.]
JESUS: Oh, well. It's not important. What are you here for?
CARTMAN: Mah son-of-a-bitch asshole teacher sent me here 'cause Ah said
that mah stupid hippie Jewish friend's stupid asswipe Jew dad can't get a nerection.
JESUS: Really?
[Jesus bursts out laughing. Cartman just looks at him. He turns to Craig and shrugs. Craig flips Cartman off. Jesus starts to get control of himself again.]
JESUS: Wait. Are you making fun of your friend's father because he's impotent?
CARTMAN: No, Ah'm makin' fun of him 'cause he's a Jew!
JESUS: (Sadly.) Oh. I think I see what the problem is now. Thank you,
Eric.
[Jesus gets up and slowly walks out of the room.]
CARTMAN: Damn. What the Hell is his deal?
[Craig flips off Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Ay!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Stan's house.]
[Int. view, Stan's living room. The kids are all on the couch, watching TV.]
ANNOUNCER: (On TV.) That's all of Terrance and Phillip for today. Join
Terrance and Phillip again tomorrow when Terrance tricks Phillip into looking at his bum and farts on him!
KYLE: Dude! We have got to record that!
STAN: Totally.
KENNY: Mmnmmn nmmnn nmnnmn nmnnmmm nnm?
STAN: Hey, yeah! I think Kenny's right! Isn't Jesus and Pals on next?
KYLE: I think so. I'll change the channel.
[Kyle starts to get up.]
CARTMAN: Like Hell you will, Goddammit!
[Cartman pushes Kyle back into his seat.]
KYLE: Cartman, you fat tub, why the Hell do you want to watch Jesus and
Pals!?
CARTMAN: 'Cause Ah met him yesterday at Mr. Mackey's office, ass rammer!
STAN: Bullsh*t!
CARTMAN: Ay! You gahs are just jealous that Ah know someone famous and you gahs don't! Now, shut the f*ck up and let me watch Jesus and Pals, you sons-of-bitches!
[Cut to a shot of the TV screen. It has the Jesus and Pals logo crossed
out.]
ANNOUNCER: (On TV.) Jesus and Pals will not be seen today or ever again...
CARTMAN: (Off screen.) What!?
ANNOUNCER: (On TV.) ...So that we might bring you the follow better show...
[The crossed out Jesus and Pals logo fades away. A new logo fades in that reads: "The Pamela Anderson Literary Review."]
[Cut back to the kids.]
STAN: What the Hell is this!?
KENNY: Mnn mnmmnm nnnmmmn mnnnnnmnnmnm!
KYLE: So?
KENNY: Mmnnmn mnmnnm nnmmnnmm Mnnmnm Mmnn!
STAN: That guy from M�tley Cr�e?
KENNY: Mmnnmn.
STAN: Sick, dude!
CARTMAN: Who's M�tley Cr�e?
STAN: They're this crappy '80s band that had big hair but they knew how bad they sucked so they pretended to be a devil band and now no one likes them because everyone can see how bad they suck.
CARTMAN: Goddamn, '80s music is lame.
[Cut back to the TV. The scene fades in. It's somewhat like the set of
Politically Incorrect with Bill Mahr. There are five chairs set up in a
semi-circle. Pamela Anderson is in the middle chair.]
PAMELA ANDERSON: (On TV.) Tee hee! Hi! I'm...um...Pamela Anderson. Tee hee! Welcome to the first show of The Pamela Anderson Liter Review. Tee hee!
[Cut back to the kids.]
STAN: Holy sh*t! This is awful!
CARTMAN: Ah don't know, you gahs, Ah think Pamela Anderson has a lot of
talent.
KYLE: Yeah, in her bra.
[The kids laugh.]
KENNY: Mnnmmnnm nmnmnmm nmnnm!
STAN: How can you tell she's not wearing one?
[Kenny laughs. Cut back to the TV.]
PAMELA ANDERSON: (On TV.) Tee hee! My guests tonight are Kevin Costner...
[The camera pans over to Kevin Costner. He's wearing a shirt that says "I'm with Loser." There's an arrow pointing up underneath it.]
KEVIN COSTNER: (On TV. Flatly.) Hi.
PAMELA ANDERSON: (On TV.) ...Calista Flockhart...
[The camera pans over to Calista Flockhart. She's a skeleton with hair,
basically.]
CALISTA FLOCKHART: (On TV. Weakly.) Hello.
PAMELA ANDERSON: (On TV.) ...Burt Reynolds...
[The camera pans over to Burt Reynolds. He looks pretty much like he did in the Cannonball Run movies.]
BURT REYNOLDS: (On TV.) Hey, babe!
PAMELA ANDERSON: (On TV.) ...and, from the world of science, Stephen Hawking.
[The camera pans over to Stephen Hawking. He's sitting in his wheelchair with his head slumped to one side. He also speaks though his computer and sounds kind of like Ned.]
STEPHEN HAWKING: (On TV.) Hel...lo...Pam...el...a. It...is...ver...ry... nice...to...be...here.
[Ext. view, South Park Bar and Bar. There's a Volkswagen Beetle parked outside. The camera zooms in on it to show that it's covered in the phrase "Jesus Saves" and those "Jesus fish" things. The license plate reads: "SONOGOD." Jesus gets out of the car. Sparky runs up to him.]
JESUS: Hello, there, my little friend. What's your name?
[Sparky pees on Jesus' feet.]
JESUS: Ugh! You Goddamn mutt! Get the f*ck away from me!
[Sparky leaves.]
JESUS: I am having the f*cking sh*ttiest Goddamn day...
[Jesus goes into the bar.]
[Int. view, South Park Bar and Bar. Jesus comes in. The camera pans around the bar. Jesus walks up to the hostess.]
HOSTESS: Hi. One?
JESUS: Yes.
HOSTESS: Smoking or non?
JESUS: Non.
[The hostess looks over her seating chart.]
HOSTESS: I'm sorry. We don't have any space in the non-smoking section of the bar available right now. If you'd like, you can wait in the bar.
[She gestures to another bar off to the side of the larger bar.]
JESUS: Thank you.
HOSTESS: Can I have your name, please, Sir?
JESUS: It's Jesus.
[The hostess stares at him blankly.
JESUS: As in "Jesus Christ?"
[The hostess continues to stare at him blankly.]
JESUS: As in "died for the sins of humanity Jesus?"
HOSTESS: You're Jewish, aren't you?
JESUS: (Noticeably irritated.) Yes!
HOSTESS: We had a call about you. I'm afraid our facilities can't meet
your needs. Get out.
JESUS: But all I want is a drink!
HOSTESS: Then go across the street, you piece of trash!
[The hostess snaps her fingers and two large bouncers come and drag Jesus outside.]
[Ext. view, South Park Bar and Bar. The two bouncers throw Jesus face first into the parking lot and go back inside. Jesus looks up to the bar across the street. It's a really seedy-looking place. The half burned out neon side out front reads: "Low-Life Bar." Jesus gets up and starts to walk across the street. When he is halfway across. We hear a horn honking. Jesus turns and looks in surprise. He dives across the street into a mud puddle, narrowly avoiding being hit by Miss Crabtree. As the bus goes by, it splashes Jesus with more mud.]
JESUS: God f*cking dammit.
[Jesus gets out of the puddle and goes inside the Low-Life Bar.]
[Int. view, Low-Life Bar. The bar is filled with various stereotypes and dregs of society. Jesus goes and sits down at the bar next to Mr. McCormick.]
BARTENDER: What'll it be, Mack?
JESUS: Um...I'll have a Bud Lite.
MR. MCCORMICK: Bud Lite!? That sh*t is for pussies! Darryl, get this man a double scotch!
JESUS: But I...
[Mr. McCormick pulls a switchblade and puts it to Jesus' neck.]
MR. MCCORMICK: Yer gonna have scotch and yer gonna like it! Got that!?
JESUS: Y-yes, Sir!
[Int. view, Stan's house. The kids are still watching the Pamela Anderson Literary Review.]
KYLE: What is this show about!?
STAN: I think they get famous people together to talk about books or something.
CARTMAN: No! God, no!
[Cut to the TV screen.]
PAMELA ANDERSON: (On TV.) Tee hee! What did you think of A Tale of Two
Cities, Kevin?
KEVIN COSTNER: (On TV. Flatly.) I thought it was a decent movie. But it would have been better if I had written and directed it so that it was about three hours long and incredibly boring.
STEPHEN HAWKING: (On TV.) You...are...an...id...iot...Cost...ner. It... is...one...of...the...great...est...nov...els...ever...writ...ten.
[Cut back to the kids.]
STAN: How the Hell do they expect people to keep watching this show!?
[Cut back to the TV screen. Pamela Anderson drops her book.]
PAMELA ANDERSON: (On TV.) Tee hee! Oops! I'd better bend down and pick that up. Tee hee!
[She bends down to pick up the book. The camera zooms in to nearly look all the way down her jacket (no shirt underneath). Pamela Anderson picks up the book and sits back up. The camera pans back.]
BURT REYNOLDS: (On TV.) Heh heh. That's a nice rack ya got there, Pammy!
PAMELA ANDERSON: (On TV.) Tee hee! Oh, you!
BURT REYNOLDS: (On TV.) Aw, you know you like it, baby!
[Cut back to the kids.]
CARTMAN: You gahs, this is the worst show Ah've ever seen. Seriously.
KYLE: Yeah! I wish Jesus and Pals was back on instead of this!
[Cut back to the TV screen. Suddenly, the buttons on Pamela Anderson's jacket fly off and her jacket opens up. A black censor bar covers her chest.]
PAMELA ANDERSON: (On TV.) Tee hee! Oopsie!
[Cut back to the kids.]
STAN: Oh. Now I see how they get people to watch.
[Int. view, Low-Life Bar. It's becoming apparent that Jesus is getting sloshed. There are about six empty glasses in front of him.]
MR. MCCORMICK: So I says to her, "Shut up, bitch! I work hard to bring
home money to feed you and those two little bastards and I'll drink if I
damn well want!" And do you know what she said to me then?
JESUS: Yesh. But go ahead.
MR. MCCORMICK: She calls me a dumb bastard and says the only way I get money is by selling my blood! I mean, who is she to tell me how to do my job! It's good money! 'Sides, I don't need all that blood anyway; thins out my alcohol level.
JESUS: You tell 'em!
MR. MCCORMICK: So, what's yer story there, Big J?
JESUS: Well, you know. It'sh the shame ol' thing. I wush born to a virgin and I died for man'sh shins and roshe from the dead three daysh later. And now they canshelled my TV show for shome reashon.
MR. MCCORMICK: That's rough, man.
JESUS: You know what my mom had me do onshe?
MR. MCCORMICK: What, man?
JESUS: We were at thish wedding and, that bitch, she comesh up to me and shays, "Jes...Jeshush, they've drunk all the wine." Sho, I'm all like, "Why the f*ck should I care?" And she'sh all like, "Make them more wine, dammit!" And I'm all like, "Make me!" And she grabsh my ear and dragsh me to the kit...to the kitchen and tell the assh-holesh in there to do what I shay. Sho, I told them to get me a bunch o' water and they brought it to me and then I took a pissh in the water and told thoshe basht...thoshe bashtardsh to sherve that sh*t to their f*ckin' party.
MR. MCCORMICK: Ya know, Big J, you're all right. Hold tight; I'm gonna go hit the can. I gotta take a serious dump1
JESUS: Come get me when yer done I'll blessh it and make it a holy sh*t!
[Jesus and Mr. McCormick burst into laughter. Mr. McCormick exits.]
JESUS: Hey, Darryl! Get me another double shcotch.
BARTENDER: I think you've had enough for tonight, Big J.
JESUS: Lishten here: I am the Goddamn motherf*ckin' shon of God, you pissh-ant. Get me another f*ckin' drink, dammit!
BARTENDER: All right, all right. Here.
[He gives Jesus another drink.]
JESUS: Thanksh.
[Ext. view, Stan's house.]
[Int. view, Stan's living room. The kids are still on the couch, watching TV.]
KYLE: This is the worst show I've ever seen in my life.
STAN: Yeah! Yet...I'm strangely attracted to it...
[Cut to the TV screen. Somehow, Pamela Anderson's skirt has come off. There are now big black censor bars forming a "T" where her panties would be.]
[Cut back to the kids on the couch.]
KYLE: Stan! Snap out of it, dude!
[Stan snaps to.]
STAN: Thanks, dude. For a minute there I thought I was a goner.
CARTMAN: You gahs, how are we gonna get Jesus his show back?
KYLE: It's not going to be easy. It would take a serious coincidence for us to even find him.
[The phone rings.]
STAN: (Mechanically.) That was unexpected.
[Stan answers the phone.]
STAN: Hello? Yeah, he's here. Just a second. Kenny, it's your mom.
[Stan hands the phone to Kenny. The screen splits to show Kenny on one side Mrs. McCormick on the other.]
KENNY: Mnmnnm?
MRS. MCCORMICK: Kenny, yer no good piece o' sh*t father is drunk down at the bar again. Go and bring his lazy ass home so I can beat the f*ck outta him!
KENNY: Mnnmmn.
[Kenny hangs up the phone and the split screen disappears.]
KENNY: Mnnmnmn nmnmnmm nmmnnm mnmnmmn. Mnmnn mnmnmnnm mnmmn nnmnmnm mnmn mnmnmnmnm nnm.
STAN: Do want us to come with you?
KENNY: Mnmnmmn.
[Stan turns off the TV. The kids hop off the couch and leave the house.]
[Ext. view, Low-Life Bar. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are walking up to the door.]
KYLE: Hey, Kenny? Are you sure they'll let us in?
STAN: Yeah, isn't it against the law for eight-year-olds to go into bars?
KENNY: Mmnmn mnmnmnm nmmnmnm mnmnm mnmnm nmnmnmmmn nmnmmnmn nmmnm mnmnmn.
STAN: Oh.
[They go inside.]
[Int. view, Low-Life Bar. Mr. McCormick is passed out on the bar. Mr. Garrison is sitting next to Jesus and talking to him.]
STAN: Dude! There's Jesus!
[The kids go over to Jesus.]
KYLE: Jesus! What are you doing here?
JESUS: What'sh it look like I'm doing? I'm getting washted.
STAN: Why?
JESUS: Becaushe they took away my *hic* show.
STAN: Jesus, you have to get your show back! You have no idea what kind of sh*t they have on in your place!
JESUS: Like what?
KYLE: Like Pamela Anderson talking about literary classics.
JESUS: Damn! You boysh are right! Let'sh get me shomewhere and get me
shobered up.
[Jesus staggers off his barstool and stumbles out the door. The kids follow him out.]
MR. GARRISON: Well, so much for my last temptation of Christ, Mr. Hat.
MR. HAT: We can still seduce him!
[Mr. Garrison covers Mr. Hat's mouth.]
[Ext. view, Low-Life Bar. Jesus and the kids are crossing the street. They get to Jesus' car. Jesus fumbles around for his keys. He gets them out and drops them.]
STAN: Uh...I don't think it would be a good idea for you to drive, Jesus.
JESUS: That'sh a good idea, Shtanley. Can any of you drive?
[Kenny raises his hand.]
KYLE: Kenny? You can drive?
KENNY: Mnmnm.
STAN: How come?
KENNY: Mnmnmn mnmnn mnmnm.
CARTMAN: Ah'm surprahzed your family even has a car, Kenny. Ah woulda thought your dad woulda sold it to buy more booze.
[Kenny punches Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Ay!
[Jesus hands Kenny the keys. Everyone piles into Jesus' car. Kenny gets in the driver's seat and starts the car. Everyone but Kenny puts on their seatbelts.]
CARTMAN: Hey, Kenny, should you be puttin' on your seatbelt nya?
KENNY: Mnnmn mnmn!
CARTMAN: Well, screw you, too!
STAN: Kenny, how are you supposed to reach the pedals?
KYLE: Yeah! Your feet barely reach past the seat!
[Kenny pulls a pair of wooden blocks, with straps for his feet on them, out of his coat.]
KENNY: Mnnmn nmnmnmnm.
STAN: Oh.
[Kenny puts the blocks on.]
KENNY: Mnmnmn mnmn?
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Yeah.
[Jesus throws up on Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! You f*ckin' son-of-a-bitch!
STAN: Dude! Don't say that to Jesus!
CARTMAN: Whah the f*ck not, asshole!?
[Ext. view, the car. Kenny pulls out onto the road and starts driving.]
[Int. view, the car.]
KYLE: Where are we going to take Jesus to get him sobered up?
STAN: Let's take him to Tweek's house.
KYLE: Why Tweek's house?
STAN: Because my uncle Jimbo says that the best thing for getting a drunk person sober again is with lots of coffee and there's no place in South Park with more coffee than Tweek's house.
CARTMAN: Mah mom says there's a lot of black people at Tweek's house.
[Ext. view, South Park street. The car comes to the top of a hill. Suddenly, the engine sputters and dies. The car starts to roll down the
hill.]
[Int. view, the car.]
STAN: Holy sh*t! Kenny, do something!!
KENNY: Mmnmn mnmnm mn mnnmn!
KYLE: What do you mean they won't work!?
[Ext. view, South Park street. Tweek's house is at the bottom of the hill.]
[Int. view, the car.]
KYLE: There's Tweek's house! Kenny you've got to stop!!
[Kenny shuts his eyes tight with effort and tries the brakes. Beads of sweat start running down his face. The car is going faster and faster. Finally, Kenny slams on the brakes and stops the car so that it just lightly taps Tweek's mailbox. Kenny goes flying out of his seat and smashes into the steering wheel face first.]
STAN: Oh, my God! They've ki...
[Kenny moans.]
STAN: Never mind.
[Everyone gets out of the car except Kenny, who still has his face against the steering wheel.]
CARTMAN: Hey, Kenny, are you comin' inside?
KENNY: Mmnmn nmnnm nmnnmnm.
KYLE: Are you sure you want to stay out here?
KENNY: Mnmn.
KYLE: OK, dude. We'll be inside. Come in when you're ready.
[As the gang, except Kenny, and Jesus go inside, Jesus bumps Tweek's mailbox. It's teeters precariously before falling on the hood of the car. The airbag inflates into Kenny, who still had his face on the steering wheel, and splatters him all over inside the car. Two Underpants Gnomes, one dressed like Stan and the other dressed like Kyle, walk by.]
UNDERPANTS GNOME #1: Oh, my God! They've killed the orange-hooded kid!
UNDERPANTS GNOME #2: You bastards!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Tweek's house. Jesus' car, with Kenny all over inside it, is still out front. Kenny's rats are forming a rat ladder up to the door handle. They open the door and all go inside the car.]
[Int. view, Tweek's room. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Tweek are there. Jesus is laying on Tweek's bed.]
KYLE: Tweek, you're the only one who can help us!
STAN: We've got to get Jesus sober and we need as much coffee as we can get into him!
TWEEK: Ahhhh! Too much pressure!
KYLE: Dude, how is it too much pressure to get coffee for Jesus?
TWEEK: We'll need to ask my...Ahhh!...dad.
STAN: So?
TWEEK: But he's...Ahhh!...all the way in the kitchen!
STAN: So, we'll go to the kitchen and ask him! Jesus, Tweek!
JESUS: It'sh Chrisht. Jeshush Chrisht.
[Jesus leans off the bed and throws up on Cartman again.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit! OK, that's it! Ah am gonna kick your bitch ass back to Heaven, you ass-faced motherf*cker!
[Kyle and Stan grab Cartman and drag him out of the room. Tweek follows
them. Shortly after they leave, we hear the Underpants Gnomes singing growing louder. Several Underpants Gnomes come into the room, collect Jesus' underpants, and leave.]
[Int. view, Tweek's kitchen. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Tweek enter. Tweek's mom and dad are sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee.]
MR. TWEEK: Hello, boys.
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Hi, Mr. Tweek.
MR. TWEEK: Have you boys changed your mind about coffee?
STAN: Not rea...
MR. TWEEK: You know, a good cup of coffee is like a fresh spring rain...
[The "coffee commercial" music starts up. Mr. Tweek gets up from the table, walks over to a tree stump in the corner, put one foot up on it, and leans on that leg.]
MR. TWEEK: Yes, nothing quite tells you that you're alive like a good up of coffee.
[Mr. Tweek takes a drink of his coffee.]
MR. TWEEK: (Refreshed.) Ahhh!
[Mr. Tweek holds his cup of coffee toward the camera, cocks his head to one side, and smiles. The "coffee commercial" music dies down.]
KYLE: Yeeeeah. Mr. Tweek we need coffee.
MR. TWEEK: Well, what kind would you like boys?
STAN: What kind would work best to get someone sober fast?
MR. TWEEK: That would be my "Turbo Espresso" blend. How much do you need?
STAN: I don't know. A lot, I guess.
CARTMAN: Hey, Stan? I thought they told us in school that only time can sober a person up?
KYLE: Yeah, but they also told us that alcohol is a depressant and caffeine is a stimulant.
CARTMAN: So?
KYLE: So, depressants and stimulants are the exact opposite of each other; Jesus will get sobered up in no time!
CARTMAN: Oooh, Ah see. Drugs are so very, very sweet.
[Int. view, Tweek's room. The kids come back into the room, each one with a thermos. Jesus is still on the bed but now he has a note laying on him and he's shivering. Tweek takes the note and reads it.]
TWEEK: Ahhhh! Why won't they leave!?
STAN: What's it say, Tweek?
[Tweek hands the note to Stan.]
STAN: (Reading.) "Dear Tweek, thank you for the gift. We hadn't collected a deity's underpants yet and now we have. Thanks. Signed, the Underpants Gnomes."
KYLE: OK. We need to get Jesus as much coffee as we can.
STAN: Right.
[The scene fades to black. A caption that reads "12 gallons later..." appears. The scene fades back in. Jesus is still on the bed and now there are empty thermoses all over the floor.]
CARTMAN: Damn! How much coffee does this asshole need!?
[The scene fades to black again. A caption that reads "A complete blood
transfusion later..." appears. Jesus is back to normal. Now, Cartman is on the bed, which is sagging noticeably.]
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) Hate...you...gahs. Kill...you...gahs. Seriously.
STAN: How are you feeling now, Jesus?
JESUS: Much better. Thank you, boys!
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) Whah...did we...hafta...use...mah blood?
KYLE: Because you were the only one with Jesus' blood type, ass master!
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) Screw...you...hippie.
JESUS: Now, what's this I hear about this show that's replaced my show?
STAN: It totally sucks ass!
JESUS: Why is that?
KYLE: Just imagine a room with beautiful, but vapid, people trying to talk about books.
JESUS: Like what, Run, Spot, Run?
STAN: More like A Tale Of Two Cities.
JESUS: Who is the host of this show?
STAN AND KYLE: Pamela Anderson.
JESUS: And she's trying to talk about books?
STAN: Yep.
[Jesus starts laughing. He falls to his knees and starts hitting the bed with his fists in laughter.]
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah'm busy dyin' hya! Knock that sh*t off, Goddammit!
KYLE: What's so funny, Jesus?
JESUS: Heh heh. You kids wouldn't know. She was never made to be able to understand what a book even is!
STAN: Well, what was she made for?
JESUS: Well...um...that is...she was...uh...You know, I think your little friend, Kenny, should tell you what she was made for.
STAN: Oh, I know! Jesus, come here.
[Jesus bends down to Stan's level.]
STAN: Is it...
[Stan start whispering in Jesus' ear. Jesus starts to turn red. He stands back up.]
JESUS: Um...yes. That's it.
STAN: Sick, dude!
KYLE: Let's get you down to the TV station so you can get your show back!
[Ext. view, South Park Access Studios. Jesus and Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are walking up to the front door.]
KYLE: I wonder where Kenny went?
STAN: I don't know. Maybe he went back to the bar to get his dad.
CARTMAN: (Holding up a rat.) Hey, you gahs, Ah found a new furry friend in Jesus' car! That was sweet!
[Int. view, South Park Public Access Studios lobby. There's a large security guard sitting behind a desk in the center of the lobby. Jesus and the kids enter.]
JESUS: OK. Now all we have to do is find the station manager.
[Jesus goes to the security desk.]
JESUS: Excuse me, I'm looking for the station manager.
GUARD: Name?
JESUS: Jesus Christ.
[The guard gets out a clipboard and starts looking at some papers on it.]
GUARD: I don't see your name here. Do you have an appointment?
JESUS: No, I'm afraid we don...
GUARD: Oh, here it is! It's on the "Do Not Admit" list.
JESUS: What?
GUARD: Sir, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to get the f*ck out of here, please.
JESUS: But...
[The guard grabs Jesus and throws him out the front doors, into the snow. The kids come outside as well.]
KYLE: Are you all right, Jesus?
JESUS: Am I all right? No, I'm not all right!
CARTMAN: Well, what are you gonna do now?
JESUS: (Sighing.) It looks like I can't do anything. I'm a failure. I
just might as well quit.
STAN: You can't quit, Jesus!
JESUS: What's the use?
[Cartman slaps Jesus.]
CARTMAN: Dammit, man! Snap out of it!
STAN: Jesus, I know times seem tough. But if I've learned one thing from life, it's that you should never give up, especially when times are rough on you. You can't let them beat you down. You have to get right back up and fight! Fight for what you believe in! If you don't, then you'll never win. You'll be a loser the rest of your life! No, you're not a loser, Jesus!
Now, get back in there and show them what you're made of!
CARTMAN: (Attempting to sing.) His truth is marching on!
STAN: Shut up, Cartman.
[Jesus picks himself up out of the snow.]
JESUS: You're right, Stan, you're right. Thank you.
[Jesus turns and walks back to the front doors of South Park Public Access Studios.]
KYLE: Damn, Stan! I never knew you had that in you!
STAN: Actually, I memorized it off the back of one of those sugar packets at Jimmy's Buffet.
KYLE: Oh.
[The kids follow Jesus.]
[Int. view, South Park Public Access Studio lobby. The guard stands up and blocks Jesus' and the kids' entry.]
GUARD: I told you guys: I can't let you in here! Now, beat it!
JESUS: (Looking up.) Forgive him, Father, he knows not what he does.
[There is the sound of thunder as a lightning bolt comes down and fries the security guard. All that's left of him are his badge, shoes, and a tiny
pile of ash.]
JESUS: C'mon, kids.
[The kids walk past the guard's remains, wide-eyed.]
CARTMAN: Holy sh*t.
[Jesus and the kids walk down a hallway until they reach a door at the end. The sign on the door reads "Station Manager."]
JESUS: One of you will have to knock on the door.
KYLE: Why?
JESUS: Because the station manager knows my voice. There's no way he'll let me in. Besides, he's a pedophile.
STAN: A pedo-what?
JESUS: Never mind. Just knock and when he asks who it is, tell him you're an eight-year-old boy.
STAN: 'Kay.
[Stan knocks on the door.]
STATION MANAGER: (Somewhat muffled.) Who is it?
STAN: Um...an eight-year-old boy.
[The door flies open.]
STATION MANAGER: Come right i...Jesus! I thought I fired you!?
JESUS: You did. But these boys came and told me you put a horrible show on in my place and I want my place back!
STATION MANAGER: Listen, I told you before: your show has been cancelled.
KYLE: Wait a minute. This is a public access station, right?
STATION MANAGER: Right.
KYLE: Then, you can't cancel Jesus' show for any reason. If it's going off the air, he has to say so.
STATION MANAGER: Where'd you hear that bunch of crap, kid?
KYLE: I saw it on Wayne's World.
STATION MANAGER: Curses! Foiled by Mike Myers again! All right. I'll
give Jesus his show back...
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Hooray!
STATION MANAGER: ...But only if you kids can get that god awful Pamela Anderson show off the air.
STAN: Well, how the Hell are we supposed to do that!?
STATION MANAGER: You have to get her to destroy her own set.
KYLE: I know! Cartman, give me that rat you found!
CARTMAN: Hell, no, Ah won't! You get your own damn rat!
STAN: Cartman, do you want to have Jesus and Pals back on the air or would you rather have that rat?
[Cartman looks back and forth between Jesus and the rat several times.]
CARTMAN: (Sighing.) Take the rat.
[Cartman gives the rat to Kyle.]
KYLE: Come on, Stan! I've got an idea!
[Stan and Kyle exit.]
STATION MANAGER: (To Cartman.) Say, would you like to audition for a show in my office, little boy?
[Cartman screams and runs after Stan and Kyle.]
[Int. view, Pamela Anderson Literary Review set. Stan and Kyle are hiding backstage, getting the rat in position.]
KYLE: (Whispering.) This should do it.
[Kyle sets the rat down. The rat just sits there.]
KYLE: (Whispering.) What the Hell!?
STAN: (Whispering.) I think it's broken or something.
[Cartman comes running in. He steps on the rat's tail. The rat's eyes get huge and it takes off into the set.]
PAMELA ANDERSON: (Off screen.) Tee hee! What's that? Tee hee! A RAT!
AAAAAAHHHHHH!
[The set starts falling down as we hear the sound of Pamela Anderson running into the pieces of the set, trying to avoid the rat.]
STAN: Let's get the Hell out of here!
[The kids run back into the lobby.]
STATION MANAGER: Well, it looks like you boys did it. You've got your show back, Jesus.
STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN: Hooray!
STAN: You know, I learned something today.
KYLE: Really? What?
[The slow piano music starts up.]
STAN: I learned that hating somebody just because they're different is wrong. We shouldn't judge other people because they look a little different or they're a different race than us. We should all try to get along and
make this a better world for us all.
[The slow piano music stops.]
KYLE: That was beautiful, dude.
CARTMAN: (Mocking Kyle.) That was beautiful, dude. Goddamn stupid hippie Jew.
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Stan's house.]
[Int. view, Stan's living room. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are sitting on the couch, watching TV.]
STAN: Man, I never thought I'd be glad to see Jesus and Pals coming on!
KYLE: Shh! It's starting!
[Cut to shot of the TV screen.]
JESUS: (On TV.) Yea. I am the Eternal Truth that lights the Path to Righteousness for all who believe. Before we begin today's show, I'd like to thank two very special boys: Stan Marsh and Kyle Brofslovski of South Park. Thanks to them, I have my show back. You boys will be getting an
official "Get Into Heaven Free" card in the mail.
[Cut back to the kids on the couch.]
STAN: Sweet!
KYLE: That kicks ass! Jesus said our names on TV!
CARTMAN: What about me, Goddammit!?
[Cut back to the TV screen.]
JESUS: (On TV.) And for Eric Cartman, I'm sending you a plague of locusts to strips the flesh from your very bones for being such a dick to me.
[Cut back to the kids on the couch except the camera has zoomed in to show only Stan and Kyle.]
STAN: Dude! What's he talking about?
KYLE: I don't know.
CARTMAN: (Off screen.) Uh...you gahs?
[The camera pans back to show all three of the kids now. Cartman has locusts all over him.]
CARTMAN: Um...a little help hya?
[End credits and song.]