The Atheist Professor

Feb 9, 2008, 9:29 PM ET29 posts by 7 postersalt.tv.southpark
29 posts
Kennyalt.tv.southpark

An atheist professor is instructing his class upon the problem science has with the concept of "God".

He asks one of his new students to stand, and then begins to question him:

Professor: You are a 'believer', aren't you, Son?

Student: Yes, Sir.

Prof: So you believe . . . in "God"?

Student: Absolutely, Sir.

Prof: Is God good?

Student: Sure.

Prof: Is God . . . all-powerful?

Student: Yes.

Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him.

Now. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill.

But God . . . didn't.

How is this "God" of yours good then? Hmmm?

(Student is silent.)

Prof: You can't answer, can you?

Okay. Let's start again.

Is God good?

Student: Yes.

Prof: Is Satan good?

Student: No.

Prof: Where does Satan come from?

Student: From . . . God.

Prof: That's right.

Now, tell me Son, is there evil in this world?

Student: Yes.

Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it?

Student: Well . . .

Prof: And God ~did~ make everything. Correct?

Student: Yes.

Prof: So who created evil?

(Student does not answer.)

Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness?

Student: Yes, Sir.

Prof: All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?

Student: Yes.

Prof: So . . . who created them?

(Student does not answer.)

Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, Son: Have you ever seen . . . "God"?

Student: No, Sir.

Prof: Tell us . . . have ever ~heard~ your, "God"?

Student: No, Sir.

Prof: Have you ever felt your God; tasted your God; smelt your God?

Student: No, Sir.

Prof: Have you ever had ~any~ sensory perception of "God" for that matter?

Student: No, Sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Prof: Yet you still ~believe~ in him?

Student: Yes.

Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your "GOD" doesn't exist.

What do you say to ~that~, Son?

Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.

Prof: Yes. ~Faith~. And that is the problem science has.

(At this point, some of the other students in the class begin to whisper and giggle, and the Professor beams with pride.)

Student: Professor . . . ?

Prof: Yes?

Student: Is there such a thing as heat?

Prof: Yes.

Student: And is there such a thing as cold?

Prof: Of course.

Student: No Sir. There isn't.

(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold.

We can hit 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold.

Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, Sir, just the absence of it.

(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Prof: What is night if there isn't darkness?

Student: You're wrong again, Sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light . . .

But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and it's called "darkness". So in reality, darkness . . . isn't.

If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?

Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?

Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?

Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death; that there a good God, and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite; something we can measure.

Sir, science can't even explain a thought.

Science uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life . . . just the absence of it.

Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, why yes. Of course, I do.

Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, Sir?

(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, as he sees where the argument is going.)

Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work, and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not then teaching your opinion, Sir?

Are you then not a scientist, but a . . . preacher?

(The class breaks out into laughter. The Student turns to them.)

Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?

(The class becomes silent.)

Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched it, or smelt it?

(The Student waits, then turns again to the Professor.)

Student: No one appears to have done so.

So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, Sir.

(The class breaks into an uproar.)

Student: With all due respect, Sir, how do we then trust your lectures, Sir?

(The room becomes quiet. The professor stares at the student, his face in an expression of unfathomable puzzlement.)

Prof: Well . . . I guess you'll just have to take them on faith then, Son.

Student: That is it, Sir.

The link between man & God . . . is FAITH.

And God is what keeps things moving & alive.

Kenny wrote:

Ah. Not enough Ron Paul spam, now we get to read your Christer bullshit.

Shove it up your ass, will you?

Come down off the cross We can use the wood Tom Waits, Come On Up To The House
Johnny B GoodKennyalt.tv.southpark

The message from DargosPal contains these words:

The professor continues:

The Professor nods his head with a smile, as he explains his experience with bacterial evolution and fruit fly genetics and observes that even scientists "Are not God" even though they might have thought so when they developed the first anti-biotic drugs only to have nature promptly use evolution as a weapon against such arrogance.

In short, for the benefit of those who require 'real time proof' of Darwin's theory, they only need observe the medical profession's losing battle against the so called 'Super Bugs' which have, quite naturally, evolved resistance to anti-biotic drugs in the most likely of all places, our hospitals.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just had to edit this bit of nonsense into a more believable interchange of philosophical ideas. In particular, the character of the Professor was, well, out of character! :-)

Regards, John. Please remove the "ohggcyht" before replying. The address has been munged to reject Spam-bots. --

On Feb 10, 10:11 pm, Johnny B Good wrote:

Luke: Obi Wan told me you killed my father!

Darth Vader: That's right, Young Skywalker . . .

And now I am going to kill you!

(Vader pulls out his blaster, and blows Luke's head off.)

(Because light-sabers violate the laws of physics.)

The End.

	Now . . .

When you get around to explaining ~why~ a collection of primordial slime ever evolved into an upright, walking, self-aware being that uses thought, reason, language, dexterity, and develops tools of its own creation to contemplate and make use of the wonders of the universe into which it evolved, be sure to get back to us, won't you?

In the meantime, how is that room full of typing monkeys coming along with the Shakespeare thing?

[email] wrote:

Well, the answer is obvious, eh? God did it.

What causes gravity? God did it. Why does water freeze at 0 deg C? God did it. Why do polar animals have white fur? God did it. What causes plate tectonics? God did it. What killed off the dinosaurs? God did it. Why can't light escape black holes? God did it. Why does modern radio-isotope dating put the age of Earth to over 4 billion years? God did it. Why do we see a rainbow after rain? God did it. Why can't anything move faster than the speed of light? God did it. Why do viruses mutate and adapt to antibiotics? God did it.

Holy shit, that really *does* explain it all. Better close down all schools and revert to reading nothing but the scriptures, like they do in Afghanistan.

Come down off the cross We can use the wood Tom Waits, Come On Up To The House

Kenny wrote:

Don't project your own homoerotic fantasies onto other people. And one more thing - we definitely don't want to see any links to your home-made videos of above mentioned activities.

Come down off the cross We can use the wood Tom Waits, Come On Up To The House

On Mon, 11 Feb 2008 16:47:46 -0800, Charles & Mambo Duckman wrote:

You got a mouse in your pocket?

Are you both angry?

What made you that way?

No one here has done anything to you, have they?

Kenny wrote:

No, I'm just happy to see you.

I am. The mouse is just melancholic.

Duh. Your God did it.

Other than a massive and relentless barrage of political and religious spam, no.

Come down off the cross We can use the wood Tom Waits, Come On Up To The House

Kenny wrote:

You're the one with a boner for a politician and a supernatural being, and I'm supposed to seek counseling?

Come down off the cross We can use the wood Tom Waits, Come On Up To The House
Nobodykenpisanoalt.tv.southpark

On Sun, 10 Feb 2008 20:23:12 -0800 (PST), [email] wrote:

Evolution

Well, not too good, but we did get one chimp into the White House.

The last official act of any government is the looting of the nation.
KennyNobodyalt.tv.southpark

On Sat, 23 Feb 2008 10:09:27 -0500, Observer wrote:

That's the "how". I asked for the "why".

He does what he's told.

Kenny wrote:

Why what? Why do chemicals react with each other and create other chemicals? Is that what you're asking? Or are you begging the question?

Come down off the cross We can use the wood Tom Waits, Come On Up To The House

Kenny wrote:

"The answer" cannot possibly be over my head because there is no answer to the question that doesn't make sense. In your paragraph above you are begging the question by assuming that there is a purposeful and a goal oriented method to the origin of life and its evolution, and then you proceed to imply a supernatural cause of it. Not only is this metaphysical bullshit, it goes against every piece of scientific evidence derived from observing the theory of evolution - there is no higher goal, no higher purpose, no logical and methodical process in it suggesting any "guidance". You'd know that if you bothered to read a scientific book on the subject instead of your church's pamphlets.

Come down off the cross We can use the wood Tom Waits, Come On Up To The House

On Wed, 27 Feb 2008 23:04:04 -0800, Charles & Mambo Duckman wrote:

So anything that does not make sense to you, personally, you summarily dismiss?

That is not what I would call intelligent thinking.

It actually appears to be merely a cheap cop out for your inability to answer the question.

And you are quite sure of this assessment of yours?

Do you thereby claim some personal clairvoyance to the point that you can remotely read the minds of others?

Really? How ya figure?

You seem to assume many things about which you have no clue.

Kenny wrote:

As I said, the question doesn't make sense, no matter how much bleating and braying about it you employ. The process of general observation of natural processes and phenomena that over the centuries evolved into science does not answer such questions or any other questions that involve a form of "why are we here". That is the domain of numerous mystics, seers, psychics, paranormalists, priests and other peddlers of fakery and bullshit.

I have to be clairvoyant to notice that the person who asks a loaded question of "why [...] primordial slime [...] evolved [...]" is unmistakably a god peddler? That is more than obvious even without knowing your history of spamming this newsgroup with Ron Paul and Christian God bullcrap.

Join your neighborhood library and loan "The Blind Watchmaker" for starters, then you may begin to realize "how I figure". It's that simple.

Why so defensive? I am not accusing you of being religious per se. However, I am accusing you of being deliberately close-minded to the point of rejecting the objective scientific reality in favor of the supernatural mythology which is based on wishful thinking and which was written 5000 years ago by some illiterate bronze age goatfuckers.

Come down off the cross We can use the wood Tom Waits, Come On Up To The House

On Thu, 28 Feb 2008 23:27:39 -0800, Charles & Mambo Duckman wrote:

It's a loaded question because you cannot answer it? LOL!

So that is your bible, and Dawkins is your priest, right?

Wasn't he the guy who was fucking Ms. Garrison?

And you call ~me~ religious. LOL!!

Yet you accuse ~me~ of being defensive? LOL!!!

Kenny wrote:

[sigh]

OK, go back to spamming the group with your YouTube Ron Paul videos. There's no reasoning with an imbecile.

Come down off the cross We can use the wood Tom Waits, Come On Up To The House

"Charles & Mambo Duckman" wrote in message news:[email]...

That's a shame, actually. I was quite enjoying your logical retorts against the flying spaghetti monster...

George "I wish I could have tomorrow all over again" - Rick Kelly - 16 September 2007

Wog George wrote:

Stop knocking the FSM. He's the only deity of whose flesh I can actually eat and enjoy. I mean, have you tasted Jesus lately? Tastes like cardboard... You'd think the church with all its cash could afford at least a little Cajun or MSG or something.

Come down off the cross We can use the wood Tom Waits, Come On Up To The House

Kenny wrote:

Yes, Kenny. I am... [drumroll] HIV positive. [cue ballons and confetti]

Come down off the cross We can use the wood Tom Waits, Come On Up To The House

Kenny wrote:

Why? I didn't sneeze.

Quetzalcoatl tell you Good Morning.

Come down off the cross We can use the wood Tom Waits, Come On Up To The House