Ike's Poppycock Parents the_davester
due to popular request, I am now posting this, my third fanfic ever written, but I didn't have the guts to post it then (don't ask me why, taking too much of a 'risk' with the ending). The ending is a bit of a shocker. Tell me what you think...
This IS NOT part of 'You Can't Spell 'Analyze' Without Anal,' think of it as a clever deversion. Oh, BTW, that part's almost ready.
----------Kyle's House---------- Kyle: Dad? Mr. Brofsloski: Yes, Kyle? Kyle: You know how Ike is adopted? Mr. Brofsloski: Yes... Kyle: Who's his parents? Mr. Brofsloski: Well, what a coincidence. It just so happens that Ike's biological parents are coming to visit us this weekend! Ike: I see the tombstone. (doorbell rings. Kyle opens the door and there are the scamps) Stan: Hey Kyle. Cartman: We decided to visit you. Kenny: Mpmmmf mmmfmmmf mfmfmfm fmf mmff (That's because Stan's big sister was being a b*tch) Stan: Shut up, Kenny. Cartman: Can we come in, or are you doing some weird Jewish tradition? Kyle: Shut up, fat ass! (the scamps walk in) Kyle: Guess what, dudes. Kenny: mmmg? (What?) Kyle: You know how Ike is adopted? Ike: Hello there bad school burner. Cartman: Shut up poppycock! (Kyle socks Cartman) Kyle: Don't call my brother poppycock! Ike: Him is a mean cookie spanker. Cartman: God damn it! We can't talk with this poppycock talking! Kyle: Hey, Ike. You ready? Kick the Baby! Ike: Don't kick the baby. Kyle: Kick the Baby! (Kyle kicks the baby and Ike smashes through the TV screen) Mrs. B: What what what? How did Ike go through the TV?
---------- Forest ---------- Jimbo: C'mon, Ned. Let's go see if we can't shoot any deer. Ned: Mmmm Tree huggers at thrrrreee o'clock. Jimbo: Damn! Tree huggin' hippies! Oh my god! They're comin' right for us! (Jimbo blows one away) Ned: Iiii think that was illegal. Jimbo: No, the South Park charter allows the killing of hippies.
----------A cave in the forest---------- Jim the Mighty: We must stop the destruction of these hallowed trees. Hippie #2: But they have weapons. Jim: We have lava lamps. Hippie #2: What do you propose we do, Jim the Mighty? Jim: I propose we... (zooms in on his face) Destroy South Park! (Dramatic Music repeats about seven times) Hippie #3: Oh, sorry, this Hendrix record was stuck.
(Commercial)
----------Bus stop---------- Cartman: Where is Kenny? (Kenny comes running up) Kenny: Aaaaaaaaaah! Stan: What's wrong, Kenny? Kenny: mo! mfmfmf mfmfmffmmff mfmfm, mfmfmf mmfmfm mfmfm! Kyle: Dude, we can't understand you! Kenny: mmfmf mfmf f fmmf mfmfmfmf mfmf mfmfm mr mfm r grgrd fmmffm (OK, these f**king hippies, they f*cki*g tried to kill me, and they're right f*c*ing there!) (Hippies surround the scamps. They pull out lava lamps and prepare to bash in the scamps' heads. Stan pulls a knife and guts one of them) Kyle: Dude, was that legal? Stan: The town charter says it's legal. (The remaining hippies close in on the scamps. One picks up Kenny and brings down the lava lamp. We see Stan is covering his eyes. There's a thump, and then the lava lamp breaks open) Stan (still with his eyes covered): Oh my god! They killed Kenny! Kyle: Dude, no they didn't. Stan: What? Jimbo: Are you boys okay? Kenny: mfmmf mfmf mrf?! (What do you think?!) Stan: What happened? Jimbo: I hit the hippie with my gun before he could kill Kenny. They ran away. Ned: wwwwe need sommmme more ammo. Jimbo: I think we need to call a town meeting.
----------Town meeting---------- Mayor: Now, what exactley is going on? Jimbo: Me and Ned were hunting in the woods- Mr. Garrison: Uh, Jimbo. It's 'Ned and I.' Jimbo: Whatever. Anyway, we were hunting in the woods when we were attacked by - Mr. Garrison: No, good grammar is important. Jimbo: Nobody cares. We were attacked by hippies and then- Mr. Garrison: Well, I care. Jimbo: Shut the hell up! We were attacked by hippies, and then they tried to kill the poor children. I think that we should exterminate the hippy population once and for all. Mr. Macky: Shouldn't we find out if killing hippies is legal, *Mm-KAY?* Mayor: It is, Mr, Macky. Mr. Macky: Well, *Mm-KAY*, maybe we should see what Jesus thinks. Jesus: I say let's waste the bastards. (Town cheers) Jimbo: Okay, I've special-ordered weapons from the army. The town will have to pay for them, however. Somebody in the Crowd: Who cares?! Let's kill those tree huggers! Jimbo: Okay, everybody, let's go to the school cafeteria. Kenny: Mrmmf, mfmfmf mfmf fmf? (Mr. Garrison, do I get a gun?) Mr. Garrison: I hope not. You'd probably accidentally shoot yourself in the head. Kenny: fmmfmf f. (f*ck you.)
----------Chef's Cafeteria---------- Chef: So now WHAT exactley is going on? Jimbo: We're using your cafeteria to distribute weapons. Chef: What for? Ned: Tttooo kill the hippy tree huggers. Chef: Why? Jimbo: Because they're trying to kill us. (a line moves. The scamps are toward the front. First Kyle gets a gun) Kyle: Dude. (Next Cartman gets a gun) Cartman: Kick ass. (Stan gets a gun): Stan: Dude! (Kenny gets a gun) Jimbo: Here Kenny. Be careful. (Kenny looks at his gun through the barrel. Somebody bumps Kenny and he pulls the trigger. A loud bang is heard) Kyle: Oh my god, they killed Kenny! You bas- Stan: No, dude. The sound was just Chef dropping some salisbury steak, Jimbo: That's right. The guns don't come loaded. Ned: That's ttthe end of the linnne. Jimbo: Okay, everybody, listen up. (pulls down a shade with a map and arrows drawn on it) We're going to hit their main cave, here. Quick and easy. Nobody gets hurt. At least, none of us. (laughter) Jim the Mighty: NOW! (Hippies rush in, attacking with lava lamps) Jimbo: Shoot them! Ned: Uhhh they don't have any ammo! (A massacre follows as hippies smash lava lamp after lava lamp. Kenny slips on some lava goo and slides out the door. He falls down into a canyon. You can hear the bones crunch.) Stan: Oh my god! Those damn lava lamps killed Kenny! Kyle: You bast- Chef: Get the hell outta here! Evacuate! (He punches out a hippy) Take this, you freaking cracker! (The remaining 'Southparkians' flee)
----------Kyle's House---------- Mrs. B.:Where is Kyle? Mr. Brofsloski: He's off fighting some hippies or something. Mrs. B: Well, he's gonna miss Ike's parents. Ike: Him go shoot tree huggin' poppycock.
(Commercial)
----------Outside, near the cliff where Kenny fell---------- Kyle: We're cornered. Stan: Oh, no! Here they come! Cartman: I'm going down fighting! (A hippy pushes Cartman off the cliff) Aaa! You son of a b**ch! Kyle: Oh my god! They killed... (hippies push Kyle and Stan off of the cliff) all of us! Stan: You bastards. Kyle: Well, Stan, this is it. This is how we die. Stan: Here comes the ground. Stan & Kile: Aaaaaaaaaah! (They strike with a crunch) Cartman: Dude, it's okay, we landed on a bunch of bubble wrap. Kyle: Dude, what's it wrapping? Kenny: mfmfmfmf mfmf mffmf! (A bunch of bullets for our guns!) Stan: Cool. (The scamps load their guns with ammo) Kyle: Let's go liberate the town.
----------The town is on fire. Hippies are smashing Tom's Rhinoplasty---------- Hippie #3: Smash the place good. Stan: Hey. Tree huggers. (The hippies look up and then the scamps blow them away.) Stan: You hippies suck. Kyle: Dude! Here comes reinforcements! Jimbo: Die you tree huggers! (Shoots some hippies in the street). Ned: Iiiit's working! Theyyyy're running! Jimbo: C'mon, Ned, to the jet! Kyle: Dudes! Cartman: What? Kyle: We have to meet Ike's parents. Stan: Whoa! Let's go!
----------Outside Kyle's house---------- Ike: Kyle come. Hippies suck. Kyle: Did we miss Ike's parents? Mrs. B: No, here they are now! (A car drives up. The door opens. There's a drum roll, and... Terrance and Phillip get out of the car.) Terrance: Hey, Ike, what's up? (Farts) Stan: Dude, this is pretty f*cked up right here. Kenny: Mmffmfmfmfmf fmf ffmf (Terrance and Phillip adopted Ike?!) Kyle: Terrance and Phillip are Ike's parents?! And they're GAY?! Phillip: No, Terrance is just Ike's godfather. I'M his father. Cartman: Kick ass! Kyle, you're somehow related to Phillip of the Terrance and Phillip show! Mr. Brofsloski: Let's have a barbeque. (tries to light the grille. It doesn't work.) Mr. Brofsloski: Kenny, hand me that lighter fluid. (Kenny picks up the lighter fluid. Mr. Brofsloski throws a used match over his should and it lands in the open lighter fluid bottle. Kenny explodes) Stan: Oh my god! Your dad killed Kenny! Kyle: You bastard! Hey, Phillip, who's Ike's mother?
Narrator: Who is Ike's mother? Is it the mayor? Or Mrs. Cartman, or Principal Victoria, or Officer Barbrady, or-
Cartman: God damn it! Don't do this! Who is Kyle's mother? Phillip: Well, Celin Deione, of course. (Farts)
[Note: I have no idea in hell if I spelled that right] (The scamps stare blankly at Ike)
Kyle: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Ike (kind of singing): My heart will go on...
[End credits)
SO whaddya think? Remember, this was only my third, written on the *same* day as 'Fire' and 'Lost Angels,' my first two...
the_ "ah, those were the days!" davester Visit my website, yadda yadda yadda... http://www.geocities.com/~dgisoft/nirvana/ Proudly Daving one Dave a Dav- err... day -- Meee! "My mother died every night It's safe to say don't quote me on that"