Everyone's talking about (or at least thinking about) the crossovers they'd like to see. Why not just do all of them in one fanfic? Or most of them... anyway, it's my third post in three months (not that I'm a big lurker), but what the hell....
(P.S. --- See if you can catch all of the not-so-obvious jokes.)
THE WORST SOUTH PARK CROSSOVER(S) EVER
(Opening Scence, yadda yadda yadda....)
(Stan's phone rings.)
STAN (picking up the phone) Hello?
(The screen breaks into two sections; one for Stan, and one for Kyle. The classic TV-phone-conversation setup.)
KYLE Dude! My TV just exploded!
STAN I know, dude, mine too! Right in the middle of Terrance and Phillip!
KYLE I wonder what happened!
STAN Uh, hold on, I got another call.
(He presses a button on the phone, and Cartman joins in on a third section.)
CARTMAN (Crying hysterically) Stan! Stan! Something horrible has happened!
STAN Your TV exploded?
CARTMAN Yeah, that too! But I'm all out of Cheesy Poofs!
STAN Wait, hold on, I got another call!
(Stan presses a button; Kenny joins in.)
KENNY (muffled) Stan! My TV exploded!
STAN Really? So did mine! And Kyle and Cartman's!
KENNY (muffled) I wonder what happened!
STAN I don't know dude, but we better find out! Come over to my house! I'll tell Kyle and fat ass to get here, too!
*****
STAN (Pacing in front of the rest of the kids, who sit on the couch.) So, I suppose you know why I called you all here.
CARTMAN (Raising his hand) Um, Stan, do you have any Cheesy Poofs?
KYLE Shut up, fat ass! We have a crisis here!
CARTMAN Ay! You're gonna have a crisis if I don't get some damn Cheesy Poofs soon!
STAN All of the TVs in South Park seemed to have all exploded at once, at approximentally 6:03 PM. Now we need to find ourselves some working TVs soon, or we'll all be forced to... to... (he starts to sniffle and whimper, and finally chokes out:) DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE!
(The kids gasp in horror)
CARTMAN No! Stan! Say it ain't so!
KYLE Dude, we gotta do something quick!
STAN Right! To Chef's house!
KIDS Yeah!
(They march off.)
*****
(The kids ring Chef's doorbell.)
CHEF (Opening the door.) Hello?
STAN Chef! We need help! Your TV... does it work?
CHEF No, children, it just blew up!
KYLE So did ours!
(Suddenly, a high pitched squeal sounds.)
MAYOR (On high-powered speakers that sound all over town.) Oh, sorry about that. Attention citizens of South Park! We are sorry to report that all of the television sets in South Park have mysteriously exploded! Please, stay in your homes and, under any circumstances, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT riot! That is all. (high pitched squeal) Damnit Barbrady! I told you to fix those speakers!
(The speakers shut off.)
STAN Holy crap, dude!
KYLE All of them exploded!
KENNY (muffled) What the hell are we gonna do?
CHEF There's only one thing we can do, children!
STAN What's that, Chef?
CHEF ...I don't know, I was hoping one of you did.
(The kids shake their heads.)
STAN Oh well, we better find something else to do.
(The kids walk outside, and keep walking until they get to a small hill, which they all lay down on.)
STAN Hey, look at all those clouds!
KYLE Yeah!
STAN My mom says when you look at the clouds, sometimes you can see stuff in them!
CARTMAN That is SOOOO gay!
KYLE Hey, yeah! That one looks like a TV!
(The kids sigh.)
STAN That one looks like a fire truck!
KYLE & KENNY Oooohhhhh yeeeeeeaaaaahhh!
KENNY (Pointing at a cloud) Mmmpph urmph umvle umvh!
STAN Huh?
KENNY (He laughs evily)
CARTMAN That one looks like a gigantic ball of fire, hurtiling towards us at an incredibily fast speed!
STAN Hey, that IS a gigantic ball of fire hurtiling towards us at an incredibily fast speed!
KIDS Noooooooooooooooooo!
(The ball of fire crashes in the middle of the hill, sending the kids flying. They land a short distance away.)
STAN Dude, that was pretty wild!
KENNY (muffled) Let's do that again!
KYLE Yeah, but where are we gonna find a giant ball of fire again?
KENNY (muffled) Details, details.
CARTMAN I know, let's ask Chef!
KYLE Shut up, fat ass, Chef doesn't know where to find a big ball of fire!
CARTMAN But we ALWAYS ask Chef! And then he sings a song, Kenny dies, and then it's all better!
STAN What the hell is he talking about?
KYLE Normally I would say that hes just a "fat ass", but I think it's the lack of TV that is causing him to think oddly.
STAN Dude!
KENNY (Muffled) Holy crap, he got smarter!
STAN Oh man, we need to get him to a TV soon!
CARTMAN Yeah, us too, before we get smartness!
KYLE Obese posterior, I believe that is not a problem you will have to worry about.
(Stan and Kenny laugh.)
CARTMAN (Whining) What'd he say? What'd he say?
STAN Dude, the ball of fire is smoking!
(Smoke pours from the hill.)
KYLE Let us examine it further!
CARTMAN (Angry) God damnit, I wanna know what he said!
STAN (Angry) He said you're a dumb fat ass!
CARTMAN Oh.... Hey!
(The kids walk over to the hill.)
STAN Hey, that's not a ball of fire!
KYLE It appears to be some sort of spacecraft!
CARTMAN Hey, cool! Open that door!
STAN No way, you do it!
CARTMAN No, you!
STAN You!
KYLE Eric, why don't you open the door first, then I'll open it.
CARTMAN 'Kay. (He opens the door.) Okay, Kyle, now y.... God damnit!
(Picard and that Data guy step out of the craft.)
CARTMAN Hey, those are the guys from Star Trek!
DATA Fascinating.... (he scans around)
PICARD (Snotty) What strange looking creatures....
CARTMAN Ay! Screw you, trekkie! (He kicks Picard in the nuts.)
PICARD Ooof!
CARTMAN May the force be with you, hippie!
DATA The creatures appear to be hostile, sir.
PICARD (High pitched voice.) Phasers on stun!
(Data points his phaser at the kids and fires, hitting Kenny, who falls down.)
STAN Oh my god, they stunned Kenny!
CARTMAN You bastards!
(Stan glares at Cartman.)
CARTMAN What? Nerd boy over here wasn't gonna say nuthi....
(Data zaps the kids again, but misses.)
CARTMAN, KYLE, & STAN Aaaaaaaaaahhhhh! (They run.)
PICARD (Pressing his communicator.) Enterprise? Picard here!
COMMUNICATOR We're sorry, the number you have dialed is temporarily out of service....
*****
(The kids ring Chef's doorbell. Chef opens the door.)
STAN Chef! Chef! A big spaceship crashed into a hill and knocked us over and Kyle's smart because he doesn't have TV and these Star Trek guys came out and stunned Kenny and Cartman's still a big fat ass and those guys are still after us please you gotta help!
CHEF You say Star Trek guys zapped Kenny? I knew we shouldn't have allowed them to hold that Star Trek Convention in South Park this year!
CARTMAN No, these are the real guys!
CHEF Really? Well, I'll... uh... talk to you later.... (He closes the door.)
KYLE Now what are we going to do?
(A short, stocky man with glasses and a taller man with curly hair come up to the kids.)
SHORT MAN Um.... We.... Jerry, I can't do this.
JERRY (Ribbing the shorter man.) (Whispering.) Shut up, George, you lost the coin toss!
GEORGE (Whispering.) Interference!
JERRY (Whispering.) Oh come on!
GEORGE Fine, fine.... Um, we're kind of lost, do you know how to get to Monk's from here?
STAN Uh... no....
GEORGE Well, alright, let's go.
(The kids and George and Jerry walk off in seperate directions, when Cartman runs up to Jerry.)
JERRY Yes?
CARTMAN This is for that last episode crap! (He kicks Jerry in the ankle, and he falls down crying.)
JERRY (Sobbing and holding his ankle.) Now why'd you have to go and do that?
STAN Come on Cartman, let's get outta here!
(Cartman runs off to join the other kids.)
*****
(The kids run into Stan's house panting, and slamming the door behind them.)
STAN Dude, it's pretty f*bleep*ed up out there!
CARTMAN Yeah, that guy from Fraiser said I had an eating disorder!
KYLE Yeah, so did that guy from Doctor Katz!
STAN What is going on here?
(Stan's doorbell rings, and Stan opens the door.)
STAN Hello?
MULDER Agent Mulder, FBI. And this is my partner, Scully. We'd like to ask you a few....
(Stan slams the door in his face.)
STAN Holy crap, dude!
(The doorbell rings again, and Stan cracks open the door and peeks out. Kenny runs into the house, out of breath.)
KENNY (muffled) Hey guys I escaped from....
(Mulder and Scully burst through the door, guns drawn.)
SCULLY Freeze! FBI!
KIDS Aaaaaaahhhhh!
(They jump out a window, and run to City Hall, where a bunch of people are waiting outside. The mayor and her two assistants exit the building. Cameras flash, and reporters yell out.)
REPORTERS
Mayor! What are your comments on the TV crisis?
Are you working on the problem?
What about all the people from the crappy TV shows?
MAYOR People! People! We are currently working on solving the problem! So just go into your house, lock the door, and don't let any television characters into your house!
ASSISTANT #1 And don't riot!
MAYOR Uh, right.
(The mayor and her assistants go back into the building, and people start to riot.)
ASSISTANT #2 (Peeking out of the building.) I hear rioting!
CROWD
Sorry!
Yeah, sorry about that!
(People start to go back to their homes.)
STAN Dude, this is pretty serious!
KYLE Very disturbing!
CARTMAN Uh, seriously guys, I need some Cheezy Poofs here....
KENNY Hey, Stan, what are you doing with that remote?
STAN Oh, I picked it up when we left the house. It uh... comforts me. (He coughs.)
MULDER There they are!
SCULLY Freeze!
(The kids put their hands up. Stan drops the remote, and a button is hit. Scully's gun disappears from her hand.)
STAN Dude! I dropped the remote, and the light flashed, and her gun disappeared!
KYLE The television remote controller disappeared!
CARTMAN Yeah! Drop it again! (He grabs it, and chucks it against the ground. It snaps in half, and nothing happens.)
STAN God damnit fat ass, you really are a big dumb fat ass!
KENNY (muffled) Now we'll never know what happened!
(A shot hits the ground near Kenny's feet.)
CARTMAN (Angry) Ay! Woman! You stop shootin' my friends an'... make me some pie!
(Scully points her gun at Cartman.)
CARTMAN Heh. That was just a little joke.
(A thin red beam hits the ground.)
STAN Hey look, it's those Star Trek guys again!
(In the confusion, Cartman reaches up and grabs Mulder's gun.)
CARTMAN Sweet! Okay, nobody move, or I'll blow your friggin' head off!
PICARD Look out, he has a wea....
CARTMAN (Yelling) I'll blow your friggin' brains out!
SCULLY Okay, just put down the gun, and nobody's gonna get....
CARTMAN (Yelling angrily.) I'LL BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT, HIPPIE!
MULDER Uh....
CARTMAN (Still yelling) I'll blow your.... hey, where are you goin'?
(Kenny, Kyle, and Stan start to walk away.)
STAN We're leaving, this sucks!
CARTMAN God damnit! Okay, nobody follow us, or I'll blow your brains out!
(He runs off to join them, pointing his gun at the other people.)
NARRATOR Who will the kids run into next? Will it be:
The 1998 Yankees? Ms. Crabtree? Rosanne?
STAN Cartman, that guy from when you found out your mom was a hermaphrodite is back!
CARTMAN (Angry) Ay! Narrator! Shut up, or I'll blow your friggin' head off!
NARRATOR Whose friggin' head will be blown off next? Will it be:
Officer Barbrady? Mr. Mackey? Mr....
CARTMAN That's it! Screw you, hippie!
(Gunshots sound.)
KENNY (muffled) Oh my god, Cartman killed the narrator!
CARTMAN I warned him, don't mess with a guy with a gun now....
TO BE CONTINUED
CARTMAN Hey! I wasn't done yet!
(As the kids run, they run into Chef.)
CHEF What the hell are you children doing out here? (He sees Cartman's gun.) Give me that!
CARTMAN (Angry) I'll blow your frig... oh. Sonuvabitch. (He gives his gun to Chef.)
STAN We're being chased by people from crappy ass TV shows!
CHEF Good lord, children! Take these! (He hands them some books.)
KYLE What are these?
CHEF Marvin Kitman's commentaries for the past nine years. I figure that'll scare just about any show.
CARTMAN Sweet!
KENNY (muffled) He says South Park's just a bunch of fart jokes!
CHEF Huh?
STAN Cool! Thanks, Chef!
*****
CARTMAN Hey! Hippies!
(Picard and Data turn around.)
CARTMAN Look at what Marvin Kitman thinks about your show! (He flips open to a page and shows it to them.)
PICARD Run, they're defending themselves somehow! (They run away.)
CARTMAN Heh. Reading kicks ass.
KYLE Your movie reeks of flatulence! (He throws the book at Mulder and Scully as they run away.)
STAN What the hell is flatulence?
KENNY (muffled) Farts!
STAN Oh.
(Frank Black, from Millenium, walks up behind the kids.)
FRANK (He mumbles something about "demons", that is too low and muffled to hear.)
STAN What'd he say?
CARTMAN Something about Cheezy Poofs, I think.
FRANK (mumbles)
KENNY (muffled) Dude, he's impossible to understand!
STAN It sounds like he's talking through his hand or something!
FRANK (more mumbling as he walks away.)
(Cartman looks at a large clock hanging on a building.)
CARTMAN God damnit, now I'm gonna miss Dawson's Creek!
(He gets weird looks from the other kids.)
CARTMAN Oh, well screw you guys too!
TIM TAYLOR ("Home Improvement") You know what that clock needs, kids?
KYLE What?
TIM More power! (he grunts, then climbs the stairs to the clock. He reaches in his toolbelt and pulls out a blowtorch and a pair of goggles, and burns the wire near the clock. It falls to the ground and explodes, sending sparks everywhere. Some fire hits Kenny, and his parka goes up in flames.)
KENNY (muffled) Noooooooooo! (He runs around, screaming and trying to put the flames out.)
TIM Uh-oh. (He grunts.)
STAN Dude, this is pretty f*bleep*ed up!
KYLE Agreed.
CARTMAN I think I'm having Cheezy Poof withdrawl! (he makes the same sounds he did in Death.)
(The kids sit on the ground and look upset, except Kenny, who is still trying to put out the flames.)
STAN This sucks!
(In front of the kids, ships from Babylon 5, Star Trek, The X-Files, etc. shoot lasers at things. Cartoons bounce everywhere, and someone shoots the dancing baby.)
(Kenny finally puts out the flames on his jacket, and points over to a broken down Radio Shack.)
KENNY (muffled) Hey, look, guys!
STAN Maybe there's a working TV in there!
CARTMAN Yeah!
(They all run into the store, and rummage through things, finding only broken TVs and other appliances.)
KYLE Did you happen to find anything that was not destroyed?
KENNY (muffled) I found a bunch of TV guides!
CARTMAN I found a bag of Cheezy Poofs! Kick ass! (He rips open the bag and swallows them all without even chewing. He starts to choke on one.) Guys! ..... (cough) Help!
STAN I found a remote control!
KENNY (muffled) Cool!
STAN Maybe one of these TVs work! (He presses random buttons.)
CARTMAN Ack... (cough) (wheeze)
(Stan presses the "eject" button, and a Cheezy Poof flies out of Cartman's mouth.)
CARTMAN Oh, thanks Stan!
(Nobody hears him with all the rummaging going on.)
STAN What'd you say, Cartman?
CARTMAN (angry) Don't press your luck, hippie!
KENNY (muffled) Ingrate.
(Stan presses "mute" button by accident. The word "MUTE" appears on the screen.)
(The kids mouths move, but no sound comes out. They all look confused, until Stan presses "mute" again.)
STAN Dude, that kicked ass!
(Stan plays with the volume controls, making everything louder, then softer, then louder.... Also, a little volume bar appears at the bottom of the screen, telling you just how loud it is.)
CARTMAN CUT that oUT, GOD damnit!
STAN ALRIght! (He sets it back to normal.)
KYLE Let us experiment with this outdoors!
(The kids walk outside. On the way, Stan fiddles with the remote, setting weird colors, tints, contrast, brightness, etc. He also sets the closed captions on, so everything they say from now on appears in a little back bar at the bottom of the screen, too.)
STAN Hey, look at this! (He changes the color of a nearby spaceship from some weird show. Use your imagination.)
(The ship faces the kids, and its lasers charge up.)
KENNY (muffled) Holy crap, do something!
(Stan hits the "power" button, and the ship disappears.)
(The kids run around, "turning off" everything that doesn't belong in South Park. Then he hits "reset", so everything goes back to normal, picture and all.)
CARTMAN Hey, look! (He points to the Radio Shack; all of the TVs are working again.)
KYLE Cool! The TVs are working again!
CARTMAN Hey, he doesn't have... smartness anymore!
KYLE Neither do you, fat ass!
ALL (Corny TV-style) That's our Kyle!
(Everyone laughs, and walks off screen. Stan runs back, points the remote at the screen, and hits the "power" button. The screen fades to black, then the credits start to roll. But instead of the music, this voice over is played:)
KYLE Kenny, I think you should put that remote away.
CARTMAN (Crunching.) No Kitty, these are my Cheezy Poofs!
KENNY (muffled) Why?
KITTY Meow!
CARTMAN No Kitty is a bad kitty!
STAN Something bad might happen!
CARTMAN No, Kitty! (Crunching.) Hey, kitty's running away with MY Cheezy Poofs!
KENNY (muffled) What could go wrong? (At this point, the credits are over. The screen flashes black.)
STAN Oh my god, Kenny... turned himself off...!
KYLE You, uh, bastard?
CARTMAN God damnit, Kitty ate all my Cheezy Poofs!
KYLE Shut up, fat ass!
THE END
How'd you like it? Comments, suggestions, etc. can be emailed to me, or just posted here.