(Everyone leaves the classroom in a single-file. Time passes. The bus pulls up in front of Petey's house and stops. Crabtree opens the door and the kids start to exit.) Crabtree: Now, you're sure this trip is authorized? I don't want to get in trouble. Garrison: Yes, Miss Crabtree. Crabtree: I wouldn't say anything, except it just seems a little strange taking a field trip to someone's house. Garrison: Well, if anyone says anything, you just tell them it was my idea. Crabtree (pausing): All righty, then. (Stan walks up to the front door and starts banging on it.) Stan: Open up, you son of a bitch! I know you're in there! (A woman opens the door. Stan just glares at her for a few seconds.) Mrs. Hertz: Can I help you?! Stan: Yeah, who the hell are you? Mrs. Hertz: I beg your pardon. Stan: I said, who the hell are you? You're his mom, aren't you? You're suppose to be DEAD!!! Mrs. Hertz: WHAT?! Kyle: You'll have to forgive him, ma'am. He's really pissed, right now. Is Petey home? Mrs. Hertz: Why, yes, he is...but he's playing with a friend, right now. Stan: Oh, I'll BET he is! Kyle: Well, could you tell him that we're here? It's important. Mrs. Hertz (huffing): Just a minute! (Mrs. Hertz shuffles off. Stan follows her. Kyle waits a few seconds, then does the same.) Mrs. Hertz (opening his bedroom door): Petey, you've got visitors... (Her mouth drops when she sees Petey and Wendy next to each other, on their backs, in his bed.) Mrs. Hertz (gasping): PETER TIBERIUS HERTZ, WHAT IN THE HOLY, [bleep]ING MOTHER OF PEARL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?! Petey: Basking in the afterglow? Stan (losing it): That's it... (Stan goes over to him, yanks him out of the bed and throws him to the ground. He gets on top of him and starts beating the living crap out of him.) Stan: YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY WOMAN, YOU [bleep]ING DICK!!! IF I EVER CATCH YOU NEAR HER AGAIN, YOU'RE GONNA WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN!!! Petey: Owie! Mrs. Hertz: MY BABY!!! Garrison: Revenge is sweet, isn't it, Mister Hat? Mr. Hat: It sure is, Mister Garrison! (Bebe goes over to Wendy.) Wendy: It worked, Bebe! Stan's actually fighting over me! I've never felt so alive, Bebe! (Dick pokes his head in the door.) Dick: What's going on in here? Oh, good God! (He rushes over and pulls Stan off of Petey. Stan elbows him hard in the gut, making Dick drop him, and goes back and starts pounding on Petey, again.) Dick: So, you wanna play rough, huh? (Dick unholsters his tranquilizer gun, loads it and shoots Stan.) Stan: Ow! (Stan looks at the dart sticking out of him.) Stan: God dammit, that's not fair! (Stan passes out. Mrs. Hertz goes over to check on Petey.) Petey: Mommy, it hurts! It really, really hurts! Cartman: God, what a little wuss. Dick: Vagina, call the police! (Mrs. Hertz stands up and goes over to Mr. Garrison.) Mrs. Hertz: You're an awful, awful man! You'll pay for this, you asshole! (She stomps on Garrison's foot, then goes to call the cops. Garrison hops around on one leg, until he falls to the floor. He, slowly, stands back up.) Garrison: Come on, kids! We're getting out of here! (Dick points the tranquilizer gun at him.) Dick: Go ahead, buddy, give me an excuse! Garrison: What? You're going to keep us here with an unloaded gun? (Dick looks at the gun, then puts another dart in it and points it at him, again.) Garrison: When am I going to learn to keep my big mouth shut?! (Much later, the guys are visiting Chef in the hospital.) Kyle: And that's pretty much the whole story, Chef. Chef: Damn, children! I'm sorry I missed that! Now, what about the lightning? Was that true, or did he just make that up, too? Stan: He made up that whole thing, Chef. Cartman: I tried to tell you guys it wasn't true, now, didn't I? But you wouldn't listen. Kyle: Shut up, Cartman. So, you were right, big deal. Stan: So, anyway, Chef, are you going to start serving Salisbury steak, again? Chef: Yes, children. I've learned my lesson. I'm not gonna serve that spicy meatloaf, any more. Guys: Hooray! (Kenny looks at something that resembles a candy bar on the little table next to Chef's bed.) Kenny (picking it up): {Ooh, candy!} (He eats it.) Chef: No, children! Don't! Kenny (looking at Chef): {Huh?} Chef: That wasn't no frigging candy, children! That was the extra-strength suppository they had to use to get all the spices out of my system! (Stan, Kyle and Cartman laugh.) Kyle: Dude! You just ate something that's been up Chef's ass! Kenny (pausing): {Fuck!} (Kenny's stomach starts gurgling.) Kenny: {Uh-oh! You guys, I think...} (Suddenly, Kenny's ass starts spraying little balls of feces all over the room. Kenny runs around, screaming, until his butt explodes and he falls to the floor.) Stan: Oh, my god! They killed Kenny! Kyle: You bastards! (A few seconds go by.) Stan: Come on, guys. Let's go, it stinks in here. Kyle: Yeah. See ya, Chef! Chef: Bye, children. How about sending someone in here to clean all this up? It's hard for me to breathe with all this crap all over everything. Stan: Okay, Chef. See ya! (They leave.)
THE END
----- Steve Sutton Springfield, Georgia N 32 21 13 W 81 17 56