Well, since everyone else is posting fanfics to this newsgroup, I thought I'd post what I have of my new fanfic, just to make sure I'm on the right track with it. I'm not planning to post the entire story here, just this part. When it's done, I'll send it to Bitchmom so she can post it on alt.tv.southpark.creative, since I don't have access to it. This is my first attempt at a South Park fanfic, so be kind. :-)
GARRISON'S SECRET by Steve Sutton Part 1
(The guys are standing at the bus stop.) Kyle: Did you finish your book report yet? Stan: Yeah, but I don't think I did a very good job. Shelley wouldn't leave me alone and I had to wait till she went to bed before I could do it. I stayed up half the night working on that thing. Kyle: That sucks. Cartman: Man, if I had a sister and she pulled that crap on me, I'd be like, "Hey! You go and get back in the kitchen and make me some supper and wash my clothes and...and...stop bothering me, or I'll kick you in the nuts!" Kyle: Girls don't have nuts, fatass! Kenny: {Cartman's sister would.} (Stan and Kyle laugh. The bus pulls up and the doors open.) Crabtree: Come on, we're running late! Stan: Again? Crabtree: What did you say?! Stan: Uh, again? Crabtree: Well, that does it, mister. You've just earned yourself one office referral! Now, get on, sit down and SHUT UP! Stan: Man! (The guys get on the bus and take their seats. Cartman punches Kenny and Kenny punches him back. The bus pulls away.) Cartman: You know, you guys are suckers. Stan: Shut up, fatass! Cartman: All I'm saying is, I'm going to get an "A" on my book report and I didn't even have to write it. Kyle: Well, if I had a mom like yours, fatboy, I wouldn't have to write mine, either, because she'd do it for me! Kenny: {Yeah, he'd just fuck her.} Cartman (hitting Kenny again): You sick piece of crap! I'll kill you, Kenny!!! Crabtree: Is there a problem back there?! Cartman: No, ma'am. Crabtree: Then, SHUT UP KID!!! (Cartman punches Kenny one last time, then settles down.) Stan (looking at his report): Maybe Mister Garrison won't even notice. Maybe he'll have a heart attack and die, or something, before he reads it. Kyle: Oh, he'll notice, dude. Trust me. Stan (pausing): Dammit! Cartman: What's that, Eric Cartman? Do you know something they don't, Eric Cartman? Kyle: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about? Cartman: Ah, gee, I don't know, Kyle. Maybe just a little something about Mister Garrison that he doesn't want anyone to know. Kenny: {He fucks Mister Hat?} Kyle: Really? Stan: Damn, how can he [bleep] Mister Hat? He's just a puppet. Cartman: No, you guys, he doesn't [bleep] Mister Hat...not that I know of, anyway. Kyle: Dammit, Cartman! Tell us what you know, or I'm going to take your [bleep] and ram it down your [bleep]ing throat! (Kenny laughs so hard, he falls out of his seat.) Stan: God, dude! Sick! Cartman: You know, Kyle, you really do scare me, sometimes. Kyle: Tell us, fatass! Stan: Dude, I think you need to calm down. Kyle (suddenly a lot calmer): You're right. I'm sorry. Eric, would you please tell us what you know about Mister Garrison? We really want to know. (Cartman thinks the situation over.) Cartman: Well, now, I don't wanna! So, there! Stan (to Kyle): Easy, dude. (Kyle steams for a few seconds, then grabs Cartman by the shirt and starts banging him against the back of his seat.) Kyle: Now, listen here, you [bleep]ing [bleep]! You're [bleep]ing gonna [bleep]ing tell us or I'm gonna [bleep]ing grind your [bleep]ing balls up and serve them to your [bleep]ing cat! You get what I'm telling you, fatboy?! Cartman: Hey! Knock it off, Kyle! Ay! Somebody get this Jew off me! Kyle, I said knock it off! Miss Crabtree! (At the front of the bus, Crabtree is now wearing a set of headphones and is lost in the song "Moon River".) Stan: Whoa! Chill, dude! Kyle: Not until fatass, here, talks! Spill it, Cartman! Cartman: Okay, okay! Geeze, Kyle, get a grip or something! (Kenny finally manages to get up off the floor and get back to his seat.) Stan: Okay, Cartman. What's the big secret? How are you going to get an "A" without doing the book report? Cartman: Listen, you guys, all you have to do is say "Barbie" to him. If you say "Barbie", he won't give you a bad grade. Kyle: You're a liar, Cartman! Stan: Yeah, dude. How is saying "Barbie" going to keep him from giving us bad grades? Cartman: I don't know. All I know is he was going to give Wendy Testaburger an "F" and all she had to do was say "Barbie" to make him give her an "A". I overheard her do it yesterday, after school. Stan: Really? Wendy? Kyle: Why should we believe you, Cartman, you fatass? Cartman: I'm sensing hostility. I'm sorry, but I can no longer communicate in this ENVIRONMENT!!! (Cartman takes out some Cheesy Poofs and starts eating them.) Kyle: Fine, be that way! You're probably making it all up, anyway. Cartman: Screw you guys! Screw you guys! (Later, Mister Garrison is lecturing to the class.) Garrison: So you see, class, Kate Mulgrew wasn't the first choice for Captain, but a replacement for someone else who just wanted to be a total bitch. Now, are there any questions? (Stan raises his hand.) Garrison: Yes, Stanley? Stan: Why does milk go bad when you leave it out? Garrison: I don't know, Stan, it just does. Stan: Oh. Garrison: Anyone else? (No one else raises their hand.) Garrison: Okay, then. Let's move on to the book reports. Who wants to read their's aloud first? Stan: AAAHH! Garrison: Problem, Stanley? Stan: Uh, no... Garrison: Good, so you were volunteering, then? Stan: Uh, no... Garrison: Well, that's too bad. Get your ass up here, Stan. (Stan walks up to the front of the class with his report.) Stan: My book report is on "To Kill A Mockingbird", by...someone I don't know. It's about this...retarded black guy...who goes around...eating kids...and having sex with trees." Garrison: Stan, did you even bother to read the book? Stan: I tried, Mister Garrison, but my sister wouldn't let me. Garrison: Well, that's just great, Stan. You get an "F". Stan: Dammit! Garrison: Okay, who's next? Stan, you can take your seat now. Stan (pausing): Barbie? (Garrison's face turns white.) Garrison: W-What? Stan: Barbie? (Garrison is quiet for a few seconds.) Garrison: Fine, you little bastard. You get an "A", now sit down! (Stan smiles and returns to his seat.) Kyle: Hey, it worked! Cartman: Told you guys! Kenny: {He's hiding something.} Stan: Yeah, I wonder what it could be. Garrison: Okay, Eric, you go next. Cartman: Sweet. (Cartman walks up to the front of the class.) Garrison: You forgot your book report, Eric. Cartman: Well, so I did. Wait, now I remember. I gave it to someone. Garrison: Well, who? Cartman: Let's see, who did I give my book report to? Who did I give my book report to? Oh, yeah, that's right, I gave it to Barbie! Garrison (pausing): Does the whole school know about that?!
TO BE CONTINUED...