Cartman Discovers his Pubic Hair. By Mike Jakeman. Copyright � 1998 Mike Jakeman
All the characters and locations are copyrighted to the producers of South Park. This piece is written using those characters with respect to their copyright owners. This piece was not written for profit or sale to anyone other than those who hold the rights to purchase such works. This piece is copyrighted to Mike Jakeman in text and content only.
Sheila used courtesy of Kyle Broslofski.
I kind of imagine this story taking place a couple of years later than the episodes so the guys will be a little bit more knowledgeable about the 'facts of life' IYSWIM
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[The boys have just finished doing P.E and are getting changed. Cartman is just putting his trousers on.]
STAN Hey Cartman! Why have you stuck a bush down your boxers?
CARTMAN You what? Stop talking out of your ass!
KYLE No! He's right, look!
[Kyle points to Cartman's boxers.]
CARTMAN (blushes and puts his hand over his pants) What? I don't see nothing!
[Stan, Kyle and Kenny stop looking at Cartman and carry on getting changed.]
[Next day at the Bus Stop, Stan, Kyle and Kenny are waiting for the Bus. There's no sign of Cartman.]
KENNY Hey look, there's fatass!
CARTMAN Shut up dildo.
STAN Woah, it's the big man!
KYLE How's the growing up then Cartman? Feeling manly today?
CARTMAN Screw you bastard!
KENNY I wonder if Sheila will be impressed?
CARTMAN She doesn't know!
STAN Not yet anyway!
CARTMAN You keep your mouth shut you tree hugging piece of crap!
STAN I dunno. What do you reckon Kyle? I think I could do with some persuasion...
KYLE Yeah me too!
CARTMAN Like what?
STAN Free Snacky Cakes?
CARTMAN Screw you!
STAN I wonder if Sheila will still want to make sweet love if she knows what's lurking under your boxers!
CARTMAN Don't piss me off you guys! Otherwise Stan, I may have to tell Wendy that you've got hair down there too!
STAN I think Wendy would believe me more than you fatass!
CARTMAN I think Sheila would believe me more than Stan!
KYLE Not if I told her!
CARTMAN (looks very angry) Look, my mom told me that it's perfectly normal for someone my age to have hair down there.
STAN Your mom would say that 'cos she goes all sooky on you.
CARTMAN She does not hippie!
STAN (doing an impression of Cartman's mom) Would mommy's little boy like some lovely cheesy-weesy poofs?
[Cartman looks pissed off]
KENNY Hey Stan, that impression kicks ass!
STAN Thanks dude!
[Bus arrives]
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[At School. Sheila and Wendy walk over]
CARTMAN You say anything to Sheila and I'll break every bone in your body!
STAN And how are you gonna do that? Sit on me?
[Everyone apart from Cartman laughs]
WENDY Hi Stan!
[Stan throws up]
WENDY Eee-uw!
KYLE Hey Stan, I thought you were over that!
KENNY Yeah, me too!
[Stan looks embarrased]
KYLE I reckon you should stop talking to him for the moment.
WENDY I think so, poor Stan!
[Stan throws up]
WENDY Eee-uw!
KENNY Hey Sheila!
[Cartman thumps Kenny and Kenny is thrown up into the air and lands quite a way away]
KYLE Oh my God! You killed Kenny! You bastard!
SHEILA Look, Kenny's alright!
[They haven't realised that Kenny landed on the Sports Field in the middle of Javelin Practice]
MR GARRISON Good throw Brian! Great distance and ooh what's happened to it?
[Mr Garrison sees that Kenny's been impaled]
MR GARRISON Oh I am sorry Brian it looks as if Kenny is in a selfish mood and has wrecked your shot. Never mind Brian, maybe you'll get the school record next week!
KYLE Oh my God! Brian killed Kenny! You bastard!
SHEILA Hey Cartman! Want to come round my place after school?
CARTMAN Sure!
[Cartman glares at Stan]
[On the bus after school]
KYLE So Cartman, you really think that you and Sheila are going to make sweet love at her place tonight?
CARTMAN Why wouldn't she?
STAN As soon as you take you pants off you'll be straight out that door!
CARTMAN Screw you dildo! Packet of Snacky cakes says I make sweet love with Sheila tonight!
STAN Deal!
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[Outside Sheila and Kyle's house, Cartman rings the bell]
KYLE'S MOM Who is it?
CARTMAN (tries to sound posh) It's Eric! I believe Sheila is expecting me?
[Opens the door]
KYLE'S MOM Just make yourself at home Eric and I'll go and find Sheila.
CARTMAN May I just say Mrs Broslofski, what a lovely frock that is you're wearing!
KYLE'S MOM Why thank-you Eric!
[Sheila comes into the room dressed up and with hearts around her head]
SHEILA Hi Cartman!
[Kyle's mom pops her head around the door]
KYLE'S MOM I thought you said your name was Eric?
CARTMAN It is, ma'am. Cartman is my surname.
KYLE'S MOM Oh very well!
[Kyle's mom leaves the room]
KYLE'S MOM Oh by the way Sheila I'm just popping down to the Quicky Mart to get some groceries, I hope you too will keep the peace.
SHEILA Okay, where's Kyle?
KYLE'S MOM Out with Stan.
SHEILA Cool. The place to ourselves! Do you want to go up to my room and listen to some music?
CARTMAN (eyes bulging) Sure!
[In Sheila's room]
SHEILA Sorry, Cartman, I forgot to ask, do you want a drink?
CARTMAN Yeah please!
SHEILA Okay, I'll go and get them.
[While Sheila's getting the drink Cartman strips off, thinking this is his big chance and as she comes up the stairs he drapes himself over the bed provocatively with only his boxers on, his hair spilling over the top. Sheila walks in and drops the tray of drinks, turns around and runs out of the room crying.]
CARTMAN Sheila! Wait!
[Cartman hurries to put his trousers back on and finds Sheila in the garden]
CARTMAN Sheila, what's up?
SHEILA You Cartman! You! When I asked you if you wanted to listen to some music, it meant listen to some music, not make out! Just disappear okay, I don't want to see you at the moment.
[Cartman trudges off]
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[Kyle's mom comes back and sees Sheila in tears]
KYLE'S MOM Sheila, dear, what's wrong?
SHEILA It's Cartman!
KYLE'S MOM I thought Eric was such a nice boy!
SHEILA He isn't! He thinks I'm easy!
KYLE'S MOM He thinks what? Right, I'm going to have a word with Cartman, right now!
SHEILA Please don't. I want to talk to him myself.
KYLE'S MOM Are you sure?
SHEILA Yeah, I'll talk to him after school tomorrow.
KYLE'S MOM Okay, if you say so.
[Next morning at the Bus Stop]
STAN Hey Cartman, how was the sweet love? Or was she erm, put off!
CARTMAN Screw you hippy!
STAN Not too good then!
[Cartman thumps Stan]
KYLE I knew she'd come to her senses sometime.
CARTMAN At least I've got a girlfriend!
KYLE Not anymore, she's gonna split with you after school!
CARTMAN No she's not!
KYLE I heard her and my mom talking about it after you left.
CARTMAN You're lying out of your ass!
KYLE We'll see!
[After school]
CARTMAN Kyle said you were going to dump me.
SHEILA He must have heard me talking to his mom.
CARTMAN So it was true then!
SHEILA It wasn't what you did, it was more that you thought I was easy!
CARTMAN I didn't, I don't! I just thought with you asking me to go upstairs-
SHEILA I asked you 'cos the stereo isn't downstairs!
CARTMAN Sheila, I'm so sorry.
SHEILA Well you ought to be.
CARTMAN I am.
[Sheila smiles at Cartman and he thinks she's going to forgive him]
CARTMAN Do you want to come round to my house? I can move the stereo upstairs too!
[Sheila slaps Cartman]
SHEILA I was never going to forgive you anyway Cartman! I just wanted to hear you suck up to me. You really are a filthy bastard aren't you! And you still had the nerve to make a joke out of the whole thing! You disgust me Cartman!
[Next day]
WENDY So you really have split up?
SHEILA Yes, and I feel sorry for any girl who ever feels attracted to him.
WENDY So you're a free agent then.
SHEILA Looks like it. So how's Stan?
WENDY He's great, we sat by the water at Stark's Pond yesterday, eating donuts, he was so romantic.
SHEILA Aaaahh, some girls get all the luck!
------------------------------------------------------------------------ So how was it? I wrote it after I read Kyle's 'The Quickie' fanfic so that's why it seems similar...
Comments critisms and reaction very welcome...