Garrison's Secret - Part 5 by Steve Sutton
(The others continue on, but Baebay stays behind and glares at Kyle.)
Kyle (shrugging): What?
(She soon turns and joins the others. Kyle removes a hatchet from under his
coat and follows Wendy into the woods.)
Wendy (dropping her pants and beginning to pee): Ahh, that's better.
Kyle: You!
Wendy (spinning around, still peeing): Eeek!
Kyle: You're the reason Stan doesn't want to hang out with us, anymore! I'm
not going to let you take him away from us, Wendy!
Wendy: Kyle! What are you doing here?!
Kyle: Something I should've done a long time ago!
Wendy: Well, I'm kind of busy right now, Kyle!
Kyle (pausing): Well, yes, I can see that. Okay, I'll wait.
Wendy: Do you MIND?!
(After a few seconds, he turns and faces the other way.)
Kyle: Just let me know when you're done.
(Several more seconds pass.)
Wendy: Okay, Kyle, you can turn around now.
(Kyle turns around and looks at her.)
Kyle: Okay.
(They stare at each other, then Kyle raises the hatchet and charges. Wendy
screams and runs away from him, going deeper into the woods. He,
eventually, traps her between a few trees.)
Kyle: Time for you to die, Wendy!
Wendy: No, Kyle! Don't!
(Kyle raises the hatchet above his head, roars in anger, and thrusts it
downward. At the last second, he turns it away and it plunges into a tree.)
Kyle (annoyed): Dammit!
(He hops up against the tree and tries to yank the hatchet out, but it
won't budge. Wendy growls and snarls, and knocks him to the ground and
starts beating the crap out of him.)
Wendy (very pissed): WHAT THE [bleep] DO YOU THINK YOU'RE [bleep]ING DOING,
YOU [bleep]ING SON OF A BITCH [bleep]HOLE?!?! IF YOU EVER [bleep]ING TRY
ANY [bleep]ING THING LIKE THAT AGAIN, YOU'RE GONNA BE [bleep]ING [bleep]ING
THE INSIDE OF A [bleep]ING [bleep], YOU [bleep]ING DICK!
(Kyle manages to push her off him and starts beating the crap out of her.)
Kyle: Yeah? Well, you better stop giving Stan [bleep]ing puberties and
cooties, bitch, or you're gonna face the wrath of an angry Jew...more
so...and I'll kick your [bleep]ing ass, Wendy!
Wendy: Ow! Stop it, Kyle! You're hurting me!
Kyle (stopping): Really? I mean...good!
(Kyle continues beating the crap out of her.)
Wendy: Ow!
(Eventually, he falls back on his back, out of breath.)
Kyle (panting): Ya know, there's...gotta be...a better way...to handle
this.
(A few seconds pass.)
Kyle: Are you okay, Wendy?
Wendy (sitting up, sniffing): I think so. You know, it's not our fault Stan
and I like each other, Kyle. We just do.
Kyle: It is your fault. You're the one screwing him up with all your
puberties, Wendy!
Wendy: Listen, I don't know who you've been talking to, but that's NOT the
way it works.
Kyle: Yes, it is, Mister Mackey told me.
Wendy: Yeah, well, Mister Mackey's full of [bleep], Kyle.
Kyle (pausing): You're just trying to confuse me.
Wendy: No, I'm not. Stan and I just really, really like being together, and
that's all. That doesn't mean he's going to stop being your friend.
Kyle: It doesn't?
Wendy: No, Kyle. So, there's really no reason to be so bitchy about it.
Kyle: I guess not.
Wendy: So, are we friends again?
Kyle (chuckling): Yeah, right! We were never really friends, Wendy. I still
don't like you.
Wendy (standing up): Fine! You can just go [bleep] yourself, then!
(She walks off.)
Kyle (standing up): Fine! I will! No, wait a minute...
(He stares in her direction for a moment, then starts walking in the
opposite direction, and begins singing to the tune of the Simon & Garfunkel
song "Bookends".
Kyle (singing): Why did I try to hack up my best friend's girlfriend?
I don't know.
Could it be jealousy?
Or maybe insanity.
I would have en-joy-ed splitting her skull open.
Why didn't I?
Why [bleep]ing didn't I?
She would be dead now.
(Elsewhere, the others finally arrive at Mr. Garrison's house. They sit
down on the ground to rest for a few minutes.)
Stan: Damn, who the hell knew Mister Garrison lived so far away?
Baebay: So, what do we do now, Stan?
Stan: I don't know, this was Kyle's idea. I guess we just wait for him and
Wendy to get here.
(Kenny takes out a slice of bread and starts eating it.)
Stan: Damn, why didn't I think of that?
(Kenny stops eating, looks at Stan, then tears off two portions and gives
each to Stan and Baebay.)
Stan: Thanks, dude.
Baebay: Thank you, Kenny.
(Everybody starts eating their piece of bread.)
Cartman (staring at Kenny): Ahem.
(Kenny ignores him.)
Cartman (jabbing Kenny with his elbow): Ahem!
(Kenny still ignores him.)
Cartman (attacking Kenny): GIMME THAT FREAKING BREAD, KENNY!!!
Kenny: {Fuck you, fatass!}
(He punches Cartman in the nuts. Cartman grabs his nuts and falls over in
pain.)
Cartman: God DAMMIT!!!
(Kenny finishes off his bread.)
Stan: Hey, here comes Kyle, now.
Baebay: Hi, Kyle.
Kyle: Hi, guys. Is everybody ready?
Stan: Yeah, dude. Where's Wendy?
Kyle: You mean she's not here yet?
Stan: No, we haven't seen her.
Kyle: Oh. Well, she said something about...feeling bad. I think she went
back home.
Stan: Oh.
Baebay: Did she say what was wrong, Kyle?
Kyle: I don't think so.
Baebay: I'd better go check on her and make sure she's okay. You guys don't
mind, do you?
Stan: No, go ahead.
Kyle: Yeah, we understand.
Kenny: {Later, Baebay.}
Baebay: You guys are so sweet. Bye!
(Baebay leaves.)
Stan: Bitch.
(Kenny laughs.)
Kyle (chuckling): Dude?!
Stan: Dude, who wants a bunch of stupid girls hanging around all the time?
Kenny {Yeah, girls suck.}
Cartman (still in pain): Yeah...Dammit, Kenny!
Stan: Come on, guys. Let's go find out what Mister Garrison is up to.
Cartman (slowly standing up): Let's see, it's after midnight. He's probably
asleep.
Stan: I don't think so, Cartman. There's a light on in the basement window
and smoke coming out of the chimney.
(They all walk over to the basement window and try to look through it.)
Kyle: Dammit, this thing is filthy!
Stan: Spit on it and clean it, Kenny.
Kenny (pausing): {Fuck you.}
Kyle: Dude, don't be such a dick. Just spit on it and clean it.
Cartman: Yeah, Kenny!
(Grumbling angrily, Kenny spits on the window and starts wiping it with his
arm. Suddenly, the glass breaks and he falls through it and lands in the
middle of a large pile of naked Barbie dolls.)
Stan: Oh, my go--
(Kenny lifts his head up out of the pile and continues grumbling.)
Stan: Oh, nevermind.
Garrison (holding a shovel and wearing nothing but a shirt tied around his
waist): Okay, whoever that is, I've got a gun!
Stan: Quick, dudes, into the Barbies!
(Stan and Kyle dive through the window and bury themselves in the dolls,
but Cartman gets stuck. Kenny goes back down with them.)
Cartman (panicking): You guys! Help me!
Kyle: You know, Stan, we could've just ran for it.
Stan: (pausing): Damn.
Garrison: Eric, what the hell are you doing here?!
Cartman: Nothing, Mister Garrison.
Garrison: Oh, don't give me that, you fat piece of [bleep]! You came here
to spy on me, didn't you?
Kyle: Dude, what reeks?
Cartman: No, Mister Garrison, I was just...admiring...your lovely basement.
Garrison: Yeah, and Barney the dinosaur is a good role model. You get
yourself down here, right now, Eric!
Cartman: I can't! I'm stuck!
Garrison: Well, get yourself unstuck, then!
(Kenny sniffs one of the Barbie dolls.)
Kenny: {Phew! Smells like dick juice!}
Kyle: You mean pee?
Kenny: {No, dude, the other kind.}
Stan: What other kind?
(A few seconds later, they come bursting out of the pile of dolls,
screaming.)
Garrison: What the...
(They run around, screaming and wiping at their clothes.)
Kyle: Dammit! Get this [bleep]ing [bleep] off me!!!
Stan: A shower! I need a shower! GIMME A GODDAMN SHOWER!!!
Garrison: Okay, everybody just SHUT THE [bleep] UP!
Kyle: You're a [bleep]ing weirdo, you know that, Mister Garrison?!
Garrison (to himself): Fine, Plan-C, then...
Stan: Yeah, you [bleep]ing [bleep]!
Garrison: Children, if you'll let me, I can explain.
Kyle: Oh, boy! THIS should be [bleep]ing good!
Garrison: You see, I don't know what you think is going on here, but all
I'm doing is burning these defective Barbie dolls to protect the
environment.
Stan: Yeah, tell us another one, you sick bastard!
Garrison: It's true, Stanley. Every now and then, the company that makes
these dolls forgets to add a chemical that keeps them from decomposing and
releasing noxious fumes into the atmosphere, so they send them to me to
destroy, because I use to work there.
(Silence fills the room.)
Stan: Oh. Well, that makes a lot of sense, dude.
Kyle: Yeah, it sort of does...I guess.
Stan: Yeah, I guess we owe you an apology.
Garrison: Well, I'll tell you what, boys. If you help me load the rest of
these dolls into this furnace, we'll forget all about it.
(Cartman finally manages to free himself and falls into the pile of dolls.)
Cartman: Ow! God, it smells like my mom's perfume in here.
(Kenny laughs.)
Stan: Come on, fatboy. We have to help Mister Garrison protect the
environment.
Garrison: Well, Mister Hat, I guess I covered that up pretty well.
Mr. Hat: You sure did, Mister Garrison.
(The guys grab shovels and start shoveling Barbie dolls into the furnace.
When the pile is almost gone, Garrison stops, takes off his glasses and
wipes the sweat off his face with a towel. Kenny moves in closer to the
pile so he can reach it without stretching. Garrison starts shoveling again
and scoops up Kenny, tosses him into the furnace and shuts the blast door.
Garrison: Well, I guess that just about does it.
(Kenny screams, bursts into flames and turns into dust.)
Stan: Oh, my god! They've killed Kenny!
Kyle (raising his fist into the air): You bastards!
Garrison: What? Who killed Kenny?
Kyle (raising his fist into the air): You, bastard!
Garrison: Well, I'm a "he", not a "they", kids. Anyway, thanks for all your
help. You boys should probably be running along home now, since it is three
a.m.
Stan: Yeah, it's kinda late. Come on, you guys. I'm tired, let's go home.
(They head for the basement stairs.)
Kyle: Goodnight, Mister Garrison.
Stan: Yeah, see ya.
Garrison: See you Monday, boys.
(They leave the house through the front door and begin the long walk home.)
Kyle: You know, I learned something today. I learned not to judge people
based on what you hear about them, and that friendship is...
Cartman: Kyle?
Kyle: What, Cartman?!
Cartman: Do me a favor and shut the [bleep] up?
Kyle: Fine.
Stan: Hey, Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah, Stan?
Stan: Just so you know, Wendy's just my girlfriend, but you're my best
friend. If it came down to a choice between you and her, she would lose
everytime.
Kyle: Thanks, dude. I think I needed to hear that.
Cartman: Geeze, guys, get a room or something.
Stan: Shut up, Cartman.
(Elsewhere, Wendy has gotten herself lost in the woods.)
Wendy: Guys? You guys! This isn't funny, anymore! IS ANYBODY LISTENING TO
ME?!?!THE END