Hey all!!!!!!!
I know I haven't posted a Fic since well, a hella long time ago, but fear not, I have an all new, all interesting fanfic. The authors used in this fic is done with permission even though they gave it to me a real long time ago. Enough of my ramblings and nonsense, on with the fic!!!!!!!
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South Park: Talking with the Dirty Little Bastards
[theme to Jesus & Pals finishes playing]
Jesus: Thanks for joining us. Today we have four little boys who have been the constant victims of so called fan-fiction writers. Please welcome Stan Marsh, Kyle Broslofski, Kenny McCormick and Eric Cartman.
[The boys come on and take their seats.]
Jesus: How many fan fics have you four been in? Kyle: To <bleep>ing many! Stan: Totally dude and there's always another one posted on the newsgroup. Jesus: Kenny, what's a newsgroup? Kenny: Mmmphhhmmgrrmmmmmphmmmgrmmmm. Jesus: Thanks for clearing that up, Kenny. Now why do you think they do these fan fictions? Stan: They're crazy bitches with too much time on their hands. Kyle: I think they watch a lot porn and smoke crack. Cartman: They're tree-hugging hippies! Kenny: Mmmmmphghmmmmm! Stan: How do you know they don't have boyfriends? Kenny: <giggles> Jesus: Please welcome one of them now, Kyle Broslofski come on out. Kyle: Dude, I'm already here. Jesus: No, Kyle, our first writer uses the screen name "Kyle Broslofski". Kyle: Arrrrggg! She's trying to steal my identity!
["Kyle" comes out.]
[Author's note: "Kyle Broslofski's" real name is Jess, but I'll call her K.B in the rest of the fic.]
K.B: Listen you little <bleep>, I just happen to adore you, you <beep>! Kyle: Take a pill, you bitch! Jesus: Please, take your seat.
[K.B takes her seat.]
Jesus: Now, tell us why you write these fics. K.B: It's my right as a fan of South Park. I need a creative output. Kenny: Mmhphhmmmmmmphmmgrmm. Stan: That's sick, Kenny. Jesus: Lets get back on the subject, please. In your fics, you often hurt these sweet little kids? K.B: They ARE NOT sweet! They curse and make sexual referances! Besides, their animated! They're not real! They're don't feel a thing. Cartman: I think all the crack she smokes has finally damaged her mind. I'm as real as Bart Simpson or Bugs Bunny. K.B: You are not! Stan: I always knew Cartman couldn't real. No one could eat fifty boxes of Cheesy Poofs and not need his stomach pumped. Cartman: Ay! Screw you! My body is growing faster than my bones. Jesus: No, you're just fat. Cartman: Son of a bitch! Jesus: Let's bring out our next guest. Please welcome SnowCalico.
[SnowCalico comes out.]
Jesus: I understand you're a mistress. Snow: That's a WEB mistress, Jesus. Jesus: Oh, okay. Let's talk about your web page. Snow: Fine. Jesus: How many stories do you have there. Snow: A lot, AND I just updated it so there's even more! Jesus: Are all those stories involving Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman? Snow: Sure, it's a South Park site. Cartman: I feel exploited. Snow: I'm surprised you don't feel bloated. Audience: <laughs> Jesus: Lets bring out our last guest. Please welcome Alyssa.
[Alyssa comes out and takes a seat with the other girls.]
Lyssa: I like to go by Lyssa, if you don't mind. Jesus: Okay Lyssa, you contribute to both the South Park Newsgroup and SnowCalico's page, right? Llyssa: Sure. Cartman: No, please don't talk our ears off. Alyssa: Shut the <beep> up, you sawed off <bleep> <beep> <bleeeep> <beep>hole! Jesus: Please watch your language. Lyssa: I have a right to talk any <beep>ing way I want! Jesus: We'll take a break for a commercial now.
[The little red light on top of the camera goes out.]
Floor Manager: Alright, we're clear! Cartman: I still haven't gotten my Cheesy Poofs yet. Stan: Oh shut up, Cartman. You probably have Cheesy Poofs in your pocket. Cartman: Oh, yeah, I do. Thanks for reminding me.
[Cartman eats his beloved Cheesy Poofs as he walks back stage and we overhear two backstage personel talking.]
Woman: Do I tell you what that little pervert did to me? Man: Which one? They all seem a little twisted to me. Woman: The one with the parka? Man: Oh yeah, ~him~. What he'd do? Woman: That little mumbler looked up my skirt! Man: What are you going to do? Woman: I put rat poison in his water. Man: Ohhh . . . good one!
[Cut to the stage. Kenny is holding his glass of water.]
Kenny: Mmmmphmmrpmmmmm. Stan: Are you sure she wasn't wearing any? Kenny: Mmm.
[Kenny takes a long drink from his glass. He starts choking.]
Stan: Kenny, what's wrong? Kyle: Dude, he's choking. What do we do?! Stan: Quick, you lick Kenny's ass! And I'll call 9-1-1! Kyle: WHAT! ! I ~AM NOT~ licking his ass! Stan: Dude, it's called the himelick. Some one has to lick his ass to stop him from choking. Kyle: Where'd you hear that? Stan: Mr. Garrison. Now get to lickin' his ass! Kyle: Alright, dude, but you better be right about this!
[Cartman turns the corner and gets hit in the head by a mircophone boom. He's flattened and when he sits up, the first thing he sees is Braveheart playing on TV.]
Cartman: <in an accent> Oy! My head!
[Cut to the stage.]
Stan: Keep licking dude. Kyle: I think he's dead. Stan: Well, it had to happen sometime. Kyle: <starting to cry> Maybe if I licked harder, Kenny would still be alive. Stan: <sadly> Oh, my God! Some one killed Kenny! Kyle: <sadly> That bastard!
[Cut to the Control Room. Cartman is now dressed like Braveheart, complete with face paint.]
Cartman: <in an accent> Alright you sons of bitches, I'm in control now! ! Open a mic to the floor. Stan: Cartman? What the ~hell~ are you doing?! Cartman: <in an accent> I'm tired of being a cartoon character. It's bad enough what Trey and Matt do to us, but now we have to put up with other writers as well. I say we fight for our freedom or we'll live under the their heel forever. Are you with me or against me! !
[Cut to Stan and Kyle.]
Stan: He has a point. Kyle: Totally, dude!
[Cut back to Cartman.]
Cartman: <in an accent> Never again will we be used in a fic.
[Cut to Lyssa.]
Lyssa: Like hell, you fat piece of talking dog shit!!!
[Lyssa, Snow and K.B race to the control room and lock the door behind them, trapping Cartman in with them.]
Cartman: <back to his regular voice> Hehehe. I was kidding around. K.B: The damage has been. Snow: Any last words? Cartman: <thinks about it a minute, then> Bitches!
[Cut to Cartman lying on a big wooden table, a la Braveheart at the end of the movie. SnowCalico, Lyssa and Kyle "don't call me Jess, you asshole!" Broslofski are standing around him.]
Lyssa: All you have to say is you'll be in our fics again. Snow: And the pain will be over. K.B: Just say it.
[Long moments pass.]
Cartman: FREEDOM!!!
[The three fic writers start typing on their laptops. Focus on a big Cheesy Poof falling from his hand.]
[end.]