Evil Kicks Ass By Chris Anderson
[Warnings, song, and titles.]
[Ext. view, Kyle�s house.]
[Int. view, Kyle�s room. Kyle is asleep in bed. The door opens and Mrs. Brofslovski comes in.]
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Kyle, bubbelah, it�s time to get up for school.
[Kyle�s eyes open. He yawns and stretches.]
KYLE: OK, Mom.
[Kyle gets out of bed and leaves the room. Mrs. Brofslovski goes over to Ike�s crib.]
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Good morning, Ike. How is Mommy�s little angel today?
IKE: O wanna go sweep gen.
[Mrs. Brofslovski picks Ike up and takes him out of the crib. She hits her head on the mobile above the crib doing this.]
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: I don�t know why we put that thing so low...
[Mrs. Brofslovski walks out, carrying Ike. The camera zooms in on the mobile to show that it has some farm animals and the two Triangles of Xinthar on it. Dramatic chord.]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary. Officer Barbrady�s car is parked outside.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s classroom. Officer Barbrady is at the front of the class with a prisoner. The prisoner is handcuffed to a chair and has manacles on his ankles to keep him from getting up.]
OFFICER BARBRADY: Now, I�m going to demonstrate the correct way to use a tazer on a helpless person.
PRISONER: W-what?
[Officer Barbrady holds up the tazer. The camera zooms in to show the knob for adjusting the setting of the tazer. Officer Barbrady turns it up to �What�s That Smell?�. The camera pans back and Officer Barbrady shocks the prisoner repeatedly with his tazer. When he is done, there is smoke coming off the prisoner and blood coming out of his nose, mouth, and ears.]
STAN: (To Kyle.) Dude, this is pretty f*cked up right here!
OFFICER BARBRADY: And that�s how you use a tazer properly. Now, I�ll show you kids how to properly stand a prisoner up for a firing squad...
[Mr. Garrison goes to the front of the classroom.]
MR. GARRISON: I think that�ll be enough for today, Officer Barbrady.
OFFICER BARBRADY: Oh, all right, but I�m telling you, when the day comes when anyone can have a personal firing squad, you�re all going to have untrained idiots doing your shooting.
[Officer Barbrady puts his hand on his gun. It goes off and shoots him in the foot and splatters his lower pants with blood. The class laughs.]
OFFICER BARBRADY: Ow! Goddammit! That�s the third time this month! Come on, you piece of society�s trash.
[Officer Barbrady grabs the prisoner�s chair and starts dragging it behind him as he leaves, hopping on one foot.]
MR. GARRISON: Thank you, Officer Barbrady. And now, class, our friend, Mr. Hat...
[The class boos.]
MR. HAT: You little pieces of monkey sh*t shut the Hell up before I disembowel each one of you with this eraser!
[Mr. Garrison hold up a pink, rubber eraser. The class quiets down.]
MR. GARRISON: Mr. Hat is going to tell us all about Albert Einstein�s Theory of Relativity.
MR. HAT: That�s right, Mr. Garrison. Einstein�s Theory of Relativity says that no matter how hot your sister may be, you should never, ever have dirty, sticky, wet monkey sex with her even if you get a stiffy so bad that it hurts just from looking at her. Einstein invented this theory in 1934 after he made a short stop in Arkansas to take a piss on his way to Nevada.
MR. GARRISON: Thank you, Mr. Hat. Are they any questions?
[Stan raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Stanley?
STAN: You know how in pro wrestling they always have some guy come in and interfere with the match so the bad guy wins?
MR. GARRISON: Yes.
STAN: How come the ref can never see it happen even if it happens right in front of him?
MR. GARRISON: Well, I don�t know, Stanley.
STAN: Ooooh.
MR. GARRISON: Are there any other questions?
[Kyle raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Kyle?
KYLE: So, how does the Theory of Relativity work for Cartman�s mom?
STAN: Yeah! She really could f*ck herself if she wanted!
CARTMAN: Ay! You shut the Hell up about mah mom, Goddammit!
KENNY: Mnmmnmm mnmnnmm nnmmm mmn mmnmmmnmnmm nnmmmnm!
[The entire class, except for Cartman, bursts into laughter.]
CARTMAN: Ay! F*ck you, Kenny! Ah�ll just take that popsicle stick you have for lunch, you bastard!
[Cartman tries to grab for the popsicle stick that Kenny has in his hand. Kenny stabs Cartman in the hand with the popsicle stick.]
[Ext. view, Jimbo�s Guns.]
[Int. view, Jimbo�s Guns. Jimbo is behind the counter and Ned is standing off to the side of it.]
JIMBO: So, I said to him, I said �Listen here, you little bastard, you�re gonna pay for that piece of gum, or else!�
NED: Mmmmm...What did you do then?....mmmmmm.
JIMBO: Hell, Ned, what could I do? I shot him, that�s what I did. My life was threatened by the loss of that piece of gum and defended myself, dammit!
[Jimbo and Ned both laugh. Suddenly, a dimensional portal opens up in the middle of the store. Evil Robert Smith, Evil Leonard Maltin, and Evil Sydney Poitier (all with goatees) step out of it. The portal closes behind them.]
JIMBO: Uh...can I help you gentlemen?
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: Right. Do you sell Triangles of Xinthar here?
JIMBO: Um...no.
EVIL LEONARD MALTIN: We must find the triangles before she gets here!
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: Let�s go then.
[Evil Robert Smith, Evil Leonard Maltin, and Evil Sydney Poitier all exit.]
JIMBO: So, anyway, I was out huntin� last night...
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s classroom. Clyde and Cartman are at the chalkboard with chalk in their hands.]
MR. GARRISON: All right, boys, here�s your word to spell: �auto-erotic-asphyxiation.�
[Clyde and Cartman turn to the board and begin writing.]
MR. GARRISON: Time�s up. Let see how you did.
[Clyde and Cartman move away from the chalkboard to reveal their spelling. Clyde has spelled it �AHTOW-EEROTICK-AZFIXIASHUN.� Cartman has spelled it �ROKT-3GM30Z.�]
MR. GARRISON: That�s not right, boys.
MR. HAT: What a couple of mental f*ck ups, Mr. Garrison!
MR. GARRISON: You said it, Mr. Hat! Does anyone know how to spell �auto-erotic-asphyxiation?�
[Kenny raises his hand.]
KENNY: Mnmmnmmmnm!
MR. GARRISON: OK, Kenny. You give it a try.
[Kenny goes to the front of the classroom and writes �auto-erotic-asphyxiation� without any errors at all.]
MR. GARRISON: Very good, Kenny. You get this real Japanese throwing star as a reward.
[Mr. Garrison pulls a throwing star out from behind him. The class gasps. Mr. Garrison throws the throwing star at Kenny. Kenny catches it just before it hits him between the eyes. Kenny takes his seat.]
STAN: Dude! That kicked ass, Kenny!
KYLE: Yeah! How did you learn how to do that!?
KENNY: Mnnmmnmmnm nnmm nmnm nnmmnmm.
KYLE: Oh, that makes sense.
STAN: Totally.
[Int. view, the cafeteria. The kids are in line for lunch.]
CARTMAN: Hey, you gahs, what�s for lunch today?
STAN: I don�t know, do you, Kyle?
KYLE: I think it�s beefy roast and vegetable medley.
CARTMAN: Goddammit! Whah the Hell are we havin� beefy roast and vegetable medley!? Ah want mah Salisbury steak!
STAN: Cartman, we can�t have Salisbury steak every Goddamn day, you f*cking retard!
CARTMAN: An� whah the Hell not!?
KYLE: Because there aren�t enough Salisbury steaks in the world to satisfy a fat ass like you!
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah am not fat, Goddammit! Ah am just wearin� a bigger coat today!
STAN: Then your coat is a big fat ass!
CARTMAN: Screw you, hippie!
[They move up to where Chef is.]
CHEF: Hello, children!
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN, AND KENNY: Hey, Chef!
CHEF: And how are my little honkies today?
CARTMAN: Bad.
CHEF: Why bad?
STAN: Cartman�s just pissed of because we�re not have Salisbury steak again today, Chef.
CARTMAN: Ah pay good money to eat hya and Ah want mah Salisbury steak!
CHEF: Oh, all right. Here.
[Chef leans down beneath the counter and brings up an old, moldy, green Salisbury steak and puts it on Cartman�s tray.]
CARTMAN: Damn! This is helisweet!
KYLE: Dammit, Cartman, if you start that heli bullsh*t again...
CHEF: I�ve got more if you children want any?
KYLE: Uh...I think we�ll pass, Chef.
STAN: Yeah. Just give us the beefy roast and vegetable medley stuff.
[Chef gives the kids their food.]
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN, AND KENNY: Later, Chef!
[The kids go sit down.]
CHEF: Good-bye, children!
[Cut to the kids at the table.]
KYLE: Hey, Stan, are you finished with your historical object report?
STAN: No, I don�t know what to write about.
CARTMAN: Whah don�t you write about that guy Raymond on TV? Everybody loves Raymond!
STAN: Dammit, Cartman, no! Stop trying to get us to do reports about Raymond! Hey! Kyle, do you still have those evil triangle things?
KYLE: You mean the Triangles of Xinthar?
STAN: Yeah!
KYLE: Yeah, we put them on Ike�s mobile. Why?
STAN: Could I use them for my report?
KYLE: Dude! You know what those triangles are capable of! What if something went wrong while you had them here!?
STAN: Now, Kyle, think: when has anything even remotely bad happened at school?
[Kyle ponders this for a second.]
KYLE: Oh, yeah! Sure, I guess you can borrow them.
STAN: Besides, if something bad does happen, the school will probably get smashed anyway.
CARTMAN: Oh, Hell, no! Ah won�t let that happen!
KYLE: Why not?
CARTMAN: �Cause then where am Ah gonna get mah Salisbury steak, Goddammit!?
KENNY: Mmnmmm nmmm mnmmnmm nmmmnmm!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
CARTMAN: You bitch asshole, Kenny! Come hya so Ah can kick your ass!
[Ext. view, Kyle�s house.]
[Int. view, Kyle room. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are there. Kyle has Ike�s mobile.]
KYLE: Are you sure about this, Stan? What happens if these triangles fall into the wrong hands again?
STAN: Then we�ll just call Robert Smith again. I�ve still got that walkie-talkie he gave me.
CARTMAN: Um...Stan? Do you remember when we were over at your house yesterday and Ah was all like �Ay! If Ah don�t get somewhere ta sit, Ah am gonna start whippin� all your asses all over the place!� and you were all like (Cartman tries to imitate Stan.) �Jesus, Dude! Just sit there already!� so Ah went an� sat on the couch and then Kyle was all like (Cartman tries to imitate Kyle.) �Cartman, you are so brave and strong. Ah am just a little stupid Jewish asshole. Ah wish Ah could be like you...�
KYLE: I never said anything like that, you f*cking retard!
CARTMAN: Ay!
STAN: What about it?
CARTMAN: Well, Ah...Ah sort of sat on the walkie-talkie and Ah...um...broke it.
KYLE: You WHAT!?
STAN: Dammit, Cartman! That was our only way of getting in touch with Robert Smith in case of an emergency, you overstuffed tub of elephant lard!
CARTMAN: Ay! Screw you, asshole! It ain�t mah fault that that walkie-talkie was a piece of sh*t!
KYLE: OK, OK. What�s done is done. Cartman�s fat ass...
CARTMAN: Up yours, Jew boy!
KYLE: ...Broke Robert Smith�s walkie-talkie. We�ll just have to take extra care to make sure that nothing happens to the triangles.
STAN: Right.
[The kids turn to leave Kyle�s room. As they are leaving, we can see that there are still pieces of the walkie-talkie stuck to Cartman�s ass.]
[Int. view, Kyle�s living room. Mrs. Brofslovski is there. The kids walk in to the living room.]
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Kyle, bubbelah, where are you and your little friends going?
KYLE: We�re going over to Stan�s house, Mom.
CARTMAN: Yeah, that way Ah don�t hafta breath all this Jew air and longer than I hafta!
[Kyle punches Cartman in the face.]
CARTMAN: Ay!
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Well, don�t be too long, Kyle. We�re having a very special guest over for dinner tonight!
KYLE: Who?
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: Oh, don�t worry about it, Dear. Just run along now.
[The kids leave.]
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: I can�t wait! I�m going to be the envy of South Park after tonight!
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
[Int. view, the cafeteria. Chef is back in the kitchen, singing to himself.]
CHEF: Oh, yeah, baby! And later, well, maybe, We can...OH! spank the night away, baby!
[Evil Robert Smith, Evil Leonard Maltin, and Evil Sydney Poitier enter. Chef abruptly stops singing.]
CHEF: Well, I�ll be an intern at the White House! What are you doing here, Leonard Maltin?
EVIL LEONARD MALTIN: You are Chef?
CHEF: That�s right. You know me, Leonard Maltin!
EVIL SYDNEY POITIER: Chef, do you know where the triangles of Xinthar are at?
CHEF: Triangles of Xinthar, huh? Hmm...no, I haven�t seen them since Robert Smith destroyed Barbra Streisand.
EVIL LEONARD MALTIN: Dammit! We�re waisting our time here! She could have arrived in here by now!
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: Right. We better move on.
[Evil Robert Smith, Evil Leonard Maltin, and Evil Sydney Poitier exit.]
[Ext. view, Kyle�s house. The kids are walking up the sidewalk to the front door. Cartman is carrying a brown paper bag with him.]
STAN: That was pretty cool of your mom to invite us over for dinner, Kyle.
CARTMAN: Yeah, Ah guess your mom isn�t a bitch all the time. Now, will we be eating any of that sh*tty Jewish food?
KYLE: Probably. Why?
CARTMAN: (Holding up the bag.) Well, Ah brought mah own food in case of such an emergency.
[The kids get up to the front door and go inside.]
[Int. view, Kyle�s living room. Mrs. Brofslovski comes out to meet the boys.]
MRS. BROFSLOVSKI: I�m so happy you boys are right on time! Go on into the dining room. Our guest is waiting for us in there.
[The kids go into the dining room. When they get in there, they freeze in their tracks. Their eyes go wide and their jaws drop open.]
STAN: (Whispering.) Dude! That can�t be...
KYLE: (Whispering.) It looks like just like her...
[Cut to a shot of Mr. Brofslovski talking to a woman, with her back to the camera, at the dining room table.]
MR. BROFSLOVSKI: ...Which, of course, means that Hitler was right all along. Oh! Hey, there boys! Meet our guest!
[The woman turns around to reveal that she is Evil Barbra Streisand (complete with goatee). The kids all scream and run out of the room except for Cartman, who stays behind.]
CARTMAN: Well, Ah guess Ah�ll just eat mah dinner now.
[A squishing sound comes from the bag as Cartman sticks his hand into it. When he pulls it out, his hand is covered in puke.]
CARTMAN: Son-of-a-bitch!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Int. view, Kyle�s room. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny have barricaded the door.]
STAN: Dude! That can�t be Barbra Streisand! It just can�t!
KYLE: I know! Robert Smith threw her into outer space and she exploded! She�s dead, dammit!
KENNY: Mnmmmnm nnmmm mmnmmnmm mnmnmn nmmnnmmnmm nnmnnmmn nmm.
STAN: Good point, Kenny.
KYLE: Totally.
[There is a knock at the door.]
KYLE: Go away!
STAN: Yeah! There�s no one in here!
[Kyle looks at Stan.]
STAN: What?
[The door opens in the opposite direction that the kids have barricaded it. The barricade falls over. Cartman and Evil Barbra Streisand come in. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny start screaming and running around the room.]
CARTMAN: Um, you gahs?
[They keep running around the room.]
CARTMAN: You gahs?
[They keep running around the room.]
CARTMAN: You gahs!?
[They keep running around the room.]
CARTMAN: GODDAMMIT! YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME WHEN AH�M YELLIN� AT YOU, YOU PIECE OF SH*T ASS BITIN� PIGF*CKERS!!
[The kids stop running around room.]
KYLE: Cartman! What the Hell are you doing!?
CARTMAN: What do you mean?
STAN: That�s Barbra Streisand, you fat f*ck!
CARTMAN: Ay! F*ck you, ass-suck!
EVIL BARBRA STREISAND: It�s all right, little boy. I�m not going to hurt you. I�m here to make sure the Triangles of Xinthar are safe from the forces of evil.
KYLE: What a bunch of bullsh*t!
EVIL BARBRA STREISAND: W-what?
STAN: Yeah! We�re on to you! You�re here to take the Triangles for yourself again!
KENNY: Mnnmmmn mmnnmnm nnmmnnmn nmmmm, nmnmn?
STAN: Huh?
KYLE: Hey, yeah! She does have a goatee!
EVIL BARBRA STREISAND: That�s what I�ve been trying to tell you; I�m from the evil parallel dimension. I don�t want to conquer the world � I want to keep it safe from those who would seek to use your dimension�s Triangles of Xinthar for evil.
KYLE: Well, what do the Triangles of Xinthar do in your dimension?
EVIL BARBRA STREISAND: They make potato salad scented candles.
STAN: Wow. That�s weak. Hey, wait a minute: How do we know your not our dimension�s Barbra Streisand just trying to fool us again?
CARTMAN: Ah know!
[Cartman goes into Kyle�s living room and gets one of Mrs. Brofslovski�s Barbra Streisand CDs from the stereo. He brings it back into Kyle�s room and puts it into Kyle�s stereo.]
CARTMAN: Now, we all cover our ears. Evil Barbra Streisand, you keep your ears uncovered.
[Cartman plays the CD. The kids all cover their ears. When the singing starts, Evil Barbra Streisand covers her ears and falls to the floor.]
EVIL BARBRA STREISAND: (Screaming.) Oh, God! Make it stop! For the love of God! Make it stop!
[Cartman stops the CD. The kids uncover their ears and Evil Barbra Streisand gets up.]
STAN: She�s from the evil parallel dimension, all right.
KYLE: Yep. Who are you here to keep the Triangles safe from?
EVIL BARBRA STREISAND: I must keep the Triangles from my dimension�s Robert Smith, Leonard Maltin, and Sydney Poitier no matter the cost. It is my sworn duty.
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
[Int. view, Mr. Mackey�s office. Mr. Mackey is sitting at his desk. Behind him are posters of Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie that have �Evil Isn�t Cool.� written on them. There�s a knock at the door.]
MR. MACKEY: Come in, mmkay?
[Evil Robert Smith, Evil Leonard Maltin, and Evil Sydney Poitier enter.]
MR. MACKEY: What can I do for you gentlemen, mmkay?
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: We�re looking for four kids.
EVIL LEONARD MALTIN: Their names are Stan Marsh, Kyle Brofslovski, Eric Cartman, and Kenny McCormick.
EVIL SYDNEY POITIER: I can feel their presence strongly in here! They come here often?
MR. MACKEY: Oh, Hell, yeah! Those four little bastards are in here all the time, mmkay? They cause trouble wherever they go, mmkay?
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: Tell us where they are now!
MR. MACKEY: Well, I don�t know that, mmkay?
EVIL LEONARD MALTIN: Lies!
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: We must siphon the information directly from his brain. Sydney Poitier, you must perform the Poitier Mind-Meld!
[Evil Sydney Poitier advances on Mr. Mackey.]
MR. MACKEY: What are you doing, mmkay?
EVIL SYDNEY POITIER: Silence!
[Evil Sydney Poitier places his hands on Mr. Mackey�s enormous head and closes his eyes.]
EVIL SYDNEY POITIER AND MR. MACKEY: School is out for the day, mmkay? They have gone to their homes for the night. They�ll be back in the morning, mmkay?
[Mr. Mackey slowly places his hands on Evil Sydney Poitier�s head.]
EVIL LEONARD MALTIN: What is he doing!?
MR. MACKEY AND EVIL SYDNEY POITIER: We must get this dimension�s Triangles of Xinthar from the boys, mmkay? We will conquer this puny dimension and�
EVIL LEONARD MALTIN: No! He�s reversed the mind-meld somehow!
[Evil Robert Smith pulls a gun out and shoots Evil Sydney Poitier in the head. Evil Sydney Poitier falls to the floor dead.]
MR. MACKEY: (Screaming.) Aaaaagggghhhh, mmkay?!
[Mr. Mackey passes out.]
EVIL LEONARD MALTIN: What shall we do now?
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: We�ll just have to go to the kids� houses and look for them.
[Dramatic chord.]
[Ext. view, Kenny�s house. Evil Robert Smith and Evil Leonard Maltin are coming up the sidewalk. They get to the front door and Evil Robert Smith rings the doorbell.]
MR. MCCORMICK: (From inside the house.) Woman! Get the f*ckin� door, dammit!
MRS. MCCORMICK: (From inside the house.) Why don�t you get the f*ckin� thing your own Goddamn self you drunk piece of sh*t!
[Evil Robert Smith and Evil Leonard Maltin look at each other uneasily. A gunshot shatters the window next to door. Evil Robert Smith and Evil Leonard Maltin duck down.]
MR. MCCORMICK: (From inside the house.) There�s another one of those for you if you don�t answer the door, bitch!
EVIL LEONARD MALTIN: Are you sure this is Kenny McCormick�s house? This doesn�t look like the home of the child who discovered the formula for eternal life and became the world�s richest boy!
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: You forget, we are in an evil parallel dimension.
[Mrs. McCormick answers the door.]
MRS. MCCORMICK: Well!? What the f*ck do you bastards want, Goddammit!?
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: We�ve come for the Triangles of Xinthar. Is Kenny at home?
[Mr. McCormick comes to the door, with a bottle of scotch in his hand.]
MR. MCCORMICK: Which one of you is the son-of-a-bitch that�s been f*ckin� my wife!?
MRS. MCCORMICK: You drunk bastard! I told you I ain�t cheatin� on ya!
MR. MCCORMICK: Shut up, woman! Don�t tell me my business! Which one of you assholes is f*ckin� my wife!? I bet it�s both of you, ain�t it!?
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: No! Neither one of us are, sir, really! We�re just here to�
[Officer Barbrady pulls up. He gets out of his car and comes up to the door.]
OFFICER BARBRADY: All right, what seems to be the trouble?
MRS. MCCORMICK: (Pointing at Mr. McCormick.) Officer, I want you to arrest that man!
MR. MCCORMICK: Shut up, bitch! Officer, these two guys are f*ckin� my wife!
OFFICER BARBRADY: Is this true?
EVIL LEONARD MALTIN: No, no! We just came here to get the Triangles of Xinthar�
[Officer Barbrady pulls out his nightstick and hits Evil Leonard Maltin in the gut, knocking him down.]
OFFICER BARBRADY: I wasn�t talking to you; I was talking to your friend here!
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: No, officer it isn�t true. You see�
[Officer Barbrady hits Evil Robert Smith in the guts and knocks him down also.]
OFFICER BARBRADY: That�s for being British! I�ll let you off with a warning this time but if I ever see you again, you better not be British again!
[Evil Robert Smith and Evil Leonard Maltin get up, both holding their stomachs.]
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: Yes, sir, officer! It won�t happen again!
[Evil Robert Smith and Evil Leonard Maltin exit.]
OFFICER BARBRADY: Now, back to you two�
[Officer Barbrady starts wailing on Mr. and Mrs. McCormick.]
[Ext. view, Cartman�s house. Evil Robert Smith and Evil Leonard Maltin are walking up the sidewalk to the house. They get to the front door and Evil Leonard Maltin rings the doorbell. Mrs. Cartman answers the door, barely dressed.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Yes?
[Evil Leonard Maltin and Evil Robert Smith just stand there with shocked looks on their faces.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Can I help you, gentlemen?
EVIL LEONARD MALTIN: W-we�re here to see�um�
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: Eric.
EVIL LEONARD MALTIN: Yes! Eric! We�re here to see Eric! May we see him?
MRS. CARTMAN: Well, I�m not sure it he�s home right now. Please, come in.
[Evil Leonard Maltin and Evil Robert Smith go inside and the door closes.]
[Int. view, Cartman�s living room.]
MRS. CARTMAN: I�ll be right back. Eric sometimes runs and hides in my bedroom when the doorbell rings; he might be in there.
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: Right. We�ll just wait here, then.
MRS. CARTMAN: I don�t know; it�s an awfully big bedroom.
[She eyes Evil Leonard Maltin.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Why don�t you come help me?
EVIL LEONARD MALTIN: Well, I�
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: Oh, go help her, Leonard Maltin. After all, we both know that Mrs. Cartman is the purest, most chaste woman the world has ever known.
EVIL LEONARD MALTIN: All right. Which way to the bedroom, Mrs. Cartman?
[Mrs. Cartman takes Evil Leonard Maltin by the hand.]
MRS. CARTMAN: This way�
[Mrs. Cartman and Evil Leonard Maltin exit, leaving Evil Robert Smith alone. The screen fades to black. A large, white caption appears that reads: �Three hours later�� The screen fades back in. Evil Robert Smith is still alone in the living room.]
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: Bloody Hell. I�m leaving.
[Ext. view, Kyle�s house.]
[Int. view, Kyle�s room. The kids and Evil Barbra Streisand are still there.]
STAN: So, who are you here to protect the Triangles from?
EVIL BARBRA STREISAND: My dimension�s most foul and contemptible villian: Robert Smith!
[Dramatic chord. The kids all gasp.]
KYLE: Oh, my God! Robert Smith! Hey, wait a minute�
STAN: Yeah! Robert Smith kicks ass!
EVIL BARBRA STREISAND: Not in my dimension. In my dimension, Robert Smith is only second in evil to Neil Diamond.
CARTMAN: That doesn�t make any sense. If Neil Diamond sucks ass hya in this dimension, he should, like, kick ass nya in your dimension, right?
EVIL BARBRA STREISAND: Some evil cannot be transformed by mere dimensional dynamics.
STAN: Oooooh.
EVIL BARBRA STREISAND: Now, I need you boys to listen to me: Robert Smith will surely come looking for the Triangles of Xinthar so that he might make the Diamond of Pantheos and become�Mecha Smith!
STAN: We know.
EVIL BARBRA STREISAND: What?
KYLE: We already know that.
EVIL BARBRA STREISAND: How could you boys possibly know that already?
CARTMAN: Well, it�s like this hya: some asshole always comes after us an� Ah hafta go up to him and be all like �Ay! You will respect mah authoritah or Ah will kick your bitch ass so hard that�that your neeeuuts come out of your ears an� you hafta go around with your balls hangin� out all the time an� when people flick your nuts just hangin� nya you�ll be all like �Ow! Stop hittin� me in the neeeuuts!��
[Everyone just stares at Cartman.]
EVIL BARBRA STREISAND: Oh. Anyway, Robert Smith will be sure to come looking for you. We must go someplace he�s already been.
STAN: Like where?
EVIL BARBRA STREISAND: It would have to be the place where all four of your biosignatures are strongest.
KYLE: And just where the Hell would that be!? It�s not like there�s THAT many things to do in this Goddamn town!
CARTMAN: Hmm�hey, you gahs! Ah have an idea: what about the school?
STAN: Cartman, you retard! Why the Hell would it be the school!?
CARTMAN: Well, fine! F*ck all of you, then!
KENNY: Mnnmmm, mmnmmm mnm nmn mnmnmn?
KYLE: Great idea, Kenny!
STAN: Yeah! We�ll go back to the school!
CARTMAN: Ay! You son-of-a-bitch, Kenny! You stole mah idea! Ah�ll f*ckin� kill you!
[Cartman tries to get Kenny but Evil Barbra Streisand stops him.]
EVIL BARBRA STREISAND: Then we must go to the school at once! We�ll just have to wait there until tomorrow.
[Everyone leaves Kyle�s room.]
[Int. view, Kyle�s living room. Mr. Brofslovski is sitting on the couch, watching TV. The kids and Evil Barbra Streisand enter.]
KYLE: Hey, Dad, we�re all going out. Could call everybody�s parents and tell them that we�re all staying at each other�s houses tonight?
MR. BROFSLOVSKI: Uh-huh.
KYLE: Thanks, Dad.
[The kids and Evil Barbra Streisand exit.]
MR. BROFSLOVSKI: Uh-huh.
[Ext. view, the bus stop, the next day. Evil Robert Smith is sleeping on the ground. He wakes up, yawns, stands up, and stretches.]
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: Damn this accursed dimension! I�ll be lucky if leave this place alive, let alone find the Triangles of Xinthar!
[The bus pulls up and Miss Crabtree opens the doors.]
MISS CRABTREE: Get on! We�re runnin� late! Aaaaaahhhh!
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: Yes, ma�am!
[Evil Robert Smith gets on the bus. The doors close and the bus drives away.]
[Int. view, the bus. Evil Robert Smith takes a seat next to Clyde. Craig is sitting across the aisle from him. Clyde just looks at Evil Robert Smith.]
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: Hello.
CLYDE: Hi.
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: (Pointing to Miss Crabtree.) Is she always like this?
CLYDE: Yes.
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: (To Craig.) Hello.
[Craig flips him off.]
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary. The bus pulls up and the kids (and Evil Robert Smith) get off. Miss Crabtree drives off, screaming.]
EVIL ROBERT SMTIH: (Muttering to himself.) Bloody stupid dimension...Wait! The Triangles! They are close! I can sense it!
B�B�: (To Clyde.) Why do all these weirdoes always come to our school?
[Clyde shrugs. Evil Robert Smith goes inside along with the kids.]
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s classroom. Evil Barbra Streisand is sitting in the back of the classroom, trying to look inconspicuous.]
MR. GARRISON: Well, I hope your all ready to give your reports on your historical objects.
[The class groans.]
MR. GARRISON: Who should pick first, Mr. Hat?
MR. HAT: I think we should pick the smartest, most well-prepared student in the room, Mr. Garrison...
WENDY TESTABURGER: (To herself.) Yes! That�s me!
MR. HAT: ...But instead, why don�t we choose...Eric Cartman!
WENDY TESTABURGER: What!?
CARTMAN: (Sarcastically.) Oh, gee! This is a big f*ckin� surprise!
MR. GARRISON: Eric Cartman, you watch your mouth and get your ass up here now! There will be no motherf*cking cursing in my Goddamn classroom, you little pigf*cker!
[Cartman goes to the front of the classroom.]
CARTMAN: Well, for mah report Ah have...uh...Ah have this...um...
MR. GARRISON: Eric, are you unprepared again!?
CARTMAN: Ah�m prepared!! For mah report Ah have this...um...
[He looks to Mr. Garrison�s desk and grabs a ruler off of it.]
CARTMAN: Ah have this ruler hya. Now, this ruler is a very special ruler. It is the same ruler the ancient...um...astronauts used to make the Washington Monument and that is whah this is a very important historical ruler. Are there any questions?
MR. GARRISON: I have one, Eric: Just what did you think you were getting for a grade on this report?
CARTMAN: Well, Ah�m pretty sure this report is worth an �A� hya...
MR. GARRISON: That good, �cause you�re getting an �F!� Go sit your ass down!
CARTMAN: Goddammit!
[Cartman goes back to his seat.]
MR. HAT: How about Stan Marsh next, Mr. Garrison?
MR. GARRISON: All right, Mr. Hat. Stanley, is your report better than Eric�s weak attempt at one?
STAN: Yes, Mr. Garrison.
CARTMAN: Ay!
MR. GARRISON: Then come on up here and give us your report.
[Stan goes to the front of the classroom with the Triangles of Xinthar in his hands.]
STAN: These are the Triangles of Xinthar. They are a very powerful and dangerous...
[Kenny pulls his hood shut.]
STAN: ...Artifact. When they are placed together, they become the Diamond of Pantheos and give their possessor incredible powers.
[The class �ooh�s� and �ah�s.�]
[Int. view. South Park Elementary hallway. Evil Robert Smith is wandering around. Suddenly, he straightens up like he�s listening to something.]
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: The Triangles!
[He goes running off down the hall.]
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: (Off screen.) Young man, no running in the halls!
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: (Off screen.) Yes, ma�am.
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison�s classroom. Stan is still at the front of the class.]
STAN: ...And that concludes my report.
MR. GARRISON: Stan, that is the biggest bunch of bull I have ever heard! Why do you kids think you can just make up some crap and call it a report!? Do you think I�m stupid!?
STAN: Um...
MR. GARRISON: Well!?
STAN: Uh...no?
[Evil Robert Smith bursts into the room.]
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: The Triangles of Xinthar! I�ve found them!
[Evil Robert Smith takes the Triangles from Stan and starts to put them together as the scene goes into slow motion. Evil Barbra Streisand leaps from her desk (in slow-mo).]
EVIL BARBRA STREISAND: (In slow motion.) Nnnnoooooooooo!
[Evil Robert Smith completes the Diamond of Pantheos before Evil Barbra Streisand can stop him. The scene goes back to normal speed.]
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: Hahahahahahahahaha! Now, nothing can stop me! I will conquer this dimension and my own and there�s nothing you can do to stop me, Barbra Streisand!
[The Diamond of Patheos rises into the air and floats in space as Evil Robert Smith begins spinning around faster and faster.]
EVIL ROBERT SMITH: Nia jongti zut! Sacara, duocci karna! Mmmmeeeeeccccchhhaaa Ssssmmmmiiiiiitttthhhhhhh!
[Evil Robert Smith transforms into Evil Mecha Smith. He looks just like Mecha Smith, except he has a goatee, naturally. He grows and grows until the breaks through the ceiling of the school and flies out. Once outside, he continues to grow. The schools starts to collapse.]
MR. GARRISON: Quick, children! Everyone outside!
[Mr. Garrison, the kids, and Evil Barbra Streisand all run outside.]
KYLE: Dammit, Stan! I told you this was going to happen!
STAN: Well, ex-f*cking-scuse me, Nostra-f*cking-damus!
EVIL BARBRA STREISAND: Boys! Boys! Calm down! I think I can stop him!
CARTMAN: And just how the Hell are you gonna do that!?
EVIL BARBRA STREISAND: Stand back! Mmmmmmmeeeeeecccccchhhhhaaaaaaa Bbbbaaarrrbbbbbuuuuuuurraaaaaa!
[Evil Barbra Streisand transforms into Evil Mecha Streisand (complete with goatee.)]
CARTMAN: That�s a pretty good way right nya.
[Evil Mecha Smith and Evil Mecha Streisand start fighting. Evil Mecha Smith picks up Evil Mech Streisand and slams her down into the school, completely crushing it. The kids all cheer.]
CARTMAN: Go, Evil Robert Smith! Damn, you gahs! Evil is coo�!
[Evil Mecha Streisand gets up and grabs Evil Mecha Smith and throws him into the South Park Elementary parking lot, smashing all the cars parked there.]
MR. GARRISON: Oh, my God! My car!
[The kids all start laughing.]
MR. HAT: You can all go to Hell! You go to Hell and you die!
[Evil Mecha Smith gets up and grabs Evil Mecha Streisand�s tail. He throws her into the mountains and starts pummeling her with punches and kicks.]
KYLE: You know, I just thought of something.
STAN: What, Dude?
KYLE: Well, the Barbra Streisand from our dimension couldn�t beat the Robert Smith from our dimension.
CARTMAN: So?
KENNY: Mnmmmnmm mnnnmmm nmnnmmn nnmmnnm!
KYLE: Right! What if it�s the same in the evil parallel dimension?
MR. GARRISON: Then we�re all f*cked.
[Evil Mecha Streisand manages to get a kick to Evil Mecha Smith�s head, knocking the Diamond of Pantheos away from him. The Diamond lands at Tweek�s feet.]
TWEEK: Aaaaah! Man! I can�t handle this! It�s...it�s t-too much pressure!
[Evil Mecha Smith continues his attack, beating the Hell out of Evil Mecha Streisand.]
STAN: We�ve got to do something to help her!
KYLE: Hey, look! Evil Barbra Streisand must have gotten the Diamond of Pantheos away from Evil Robert Smith!
[Evil Mecha Smith stops pounding on Evil Mecha Streisand for a moment and looks to the Diamond. He roars and starts off towards the Diamond and Tweek.]
CARTMAN: Gee, Kyle! Do ya think ya could have yelled that a little bit louder!?
STAN: Tweek! Grab the Diamond and run!
TWEEK: Aaaaaahhh! Too much pressure!
KYLE: Just pick up the f*cking Diamond, dammit!
[Tweek picks up the Diamond of Pantheos. Suddenly, the Japanese singer appears.]
JAPANESE SINGER: (Singing.) Mecha Tweek! Mecha Tweek! Mecha Tweek! Mecha...
[Cartman roshamboes the Japanese singer.]
CARTMAN: God! Shut up!
[Tweek is transformed into Mecha Tweek. He looks like a huge version of himself with saber-teeth, horns, bony plates up and down his back (like Godzilla�s), and red eyes.]
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN, AND KENNY: Go Tweek!
[Mecha Tweek catches Evil Mecha Smith in mid-air. The plates on his back light up blue and Mecha Tweek breaths his radioactive death breath on Evil Mecha Smith. Evil Mecha Smith screams and struggles free. Evil Mecha Streisand gets up. She and Mecha Tweek high five each other and charge Evil Mecha Smith, knocking him into the mountains. He tries to fly away but Evil Mecha Streisand grabs him by his legs, pulls him down, and stomps him in the small of the back. Mecha Tweek puts his foot on Evil Mecha Smith�s head, grabs hold of Evil Mecha Smith�s wings, pulls them off, and throws them away, towards the kids. The kids start panicking and running away as the wings fall towards them. Kenny looks up just time to see one of the wings before it lands on him. However, because it�s so light, it just bounces off Kenny. Kenny laughs.]
STAN: (Yelling.) This is it! Barbra Streisand, Tweek! You�ve got to finish him know!
[Evil Mecha Streisand and Mecha Tweek nod to Stan and then to each other. They each bring a foot down on a different section of Evil Mecha Smith�s body. Evil Mecha Streisand smashes Evil Mecha Smith�s mid-section. Tweek smashes his head. The kids all cheer.]
CARTMAN: No more Robert Smith ever!
[Everybody stops cheering and looks at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Ah...Ah mean no more Evil Robert Smith.
[Everyone starts cheering again. Evil Mecha Streisand transforms back into Evil Barbra Streisand. She comes over to the boys.]
EVIL BARBRA STREISAND: Thank you for helping me, boys!
STAN: You should thank Tweek!
CARTMAN: Yeah! He saved your loser ass!
[Evil Barbra Streisand turns to Mecha Tweek.]
EVIL BARBRA STREISAND: Tweek, without your help Robert Smith would have surely conquered all of both our dimensions. On behalf of all the people of the evil parallel dimension...
[Mecha Tweek falls over on Kenny.]
STAN: Oh, my God! They�ve ki...
[Kenny walks out from behind Mecha Tweek.]
KENNY: Mmnm, mmnmnnmnmn mnmn�mnmn!
STAN: Oh. Never mind. Hey, what�s wrong with Tweek?
WENDY TESTABURGER: I�ll bet that in his new enormous size, Tweek used up all coffee in his system in no time!
KYLE: You mean he just needs more coffee?
WENDY TESTABURGER: Yep. And lots of it now, too.
[A car pulls up. Mr. Tweek gets out.]
MR. TWEEK: I see Tweek has gotten huge. Well, we better get him some coffee to fix that.
STAN: What do you mean?
MR. TWEEK: You see, boys, at your age, too much coffee can stunt your growth. Therefore, it�s only logical that way too much coffee could actually shrink you.
KYLE: But where are you going to get that much coffee?
MR. TWEEK: I�m afraid I have no choice but to get it from Harbucks. Damn them.
STAN: Hey, I thought you worked for them now?
MR. TWEEK: Oh, I do. Actually, I�m trying to steal their recipe for coffee so I can destroy them from the inside.
KYLE: But won�t you have to give them more money to feed their coffee empire machine?
MR. TWEEK: Yes, they�ve really got my balls in a garden weasel.
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, what�s left of South Park Elementary. Everyone except Mr. Tweek, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Mecha Tweek have left. Mecha Tweek is still on the ground. Mr. Tweek is waving to something in the sky and talking into a walkie-talkie.]
MR. TWEEK: (Into the walkie-talkie.) That�s it. Bring it in a little bit lower. Gently, now...
[The camera pans back to show that a helicopter is airlifting a giant cup of Harbucks coffee in to Mecha Tweek. Suddenly, the wind picks up a bit and the cup spills a few drops out. One of these drops falls onto Kenny. Kenny starts running around in a panic.]
STAN: Kenny! Fall in the snow!
[Kenny dives into the snow to relieve the burning from the coffee. When he gets up, we can see his face has been horribly burned.]
KYLE: Oh, my God! Mr. Tweek, you have to call an ambulance for Kenny!
MR. TWEEK: What? Oh, oh, yeah. Just a second, boys.
[The helicopter brings the coffee in close to Mecha Tweek�s mouth. A hatch on the bottom of the cup opens and the coffee starts to go into Mecha Tweek�s mouth. When all of the coffee is gone, Mecha Tweek burps. The winds from his belch knock the helicopter upside down.]
PILOT #1: What should we do!?
PILOT #2: Pull up! Pull up!
[Pilot #1 pulls up (which is down to us). The helicopter�s rotor blades slice Kenny into ribbons, except his head, which is thrown clear, and crashes into the ground.]
STAN: Oh, my God! They�ve killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
[An ambulance pulls up. It runs over Kenny�s head. Mr. Tweek goes up the driver side window.]
MR. TWEEK: I think you guys can go ahead and leave now.
[The ambulance drives away. Cartman is digging up some snow from where the coffee spilled earlier.]
CARTMAN: Hey, you gahs, guess what?
STAN: What?
CARTMAN: Ah just discovered the sweetest thing! Coffee-flavored snow cones!
MR. TWEEK: Coffee-flavored snow cones? Here, let me try that...
[Cartman gives Mr. Tweek some of the snow and Mr. Tweek eats it.]
MR. TWEEK: Hey, that�s pretty good. It�s fresh.
[Mr. Tweek walks over to a conveniently placed stump, puts one foot up on it, leans on the leg that is on the stump. The �coffee commercial music� starts playing.]
MR. TWEEK: Fresh like a spring rain when everything around smells like a rotting buffalo�s ass in the hot sun. Or like the first time you take a human life. That�s the kind of fresh this snow is.
[The �coffee commercial music� ends.]
STAN: Ooooookay.
[The slow piano music starts playing.]
STAN: You know, I�ve learned something today.
KYLE: Really?
STAN: I�ve learned that...
CARTMAN: people from evil parallel dimensions are heli-assholes!
STAN: Goddammit, Cartman! I was talking and you went and f*cking interrupted me, you fat sweaty retard!
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah am not fat, Goddammit! Ah...Ah�m just bloated from eatin� so much of that snow over nya!
[Cartman points to a patch of yellow snow.]
KYLE: Uh...Cartman?
CARTMAN: What?
KYLE: What did that snow taste like?
CARTMAN: Well, An don� know; it was kinda tangy. Whah!? Do you wanna know if it�s all kosher so you can steal it all and take it back to your fireman-chopping hippie ass Jew family!?
KYLE: Uh, no. Stan�s dog was just over there and I think he peed there.
CARTMAN: You mean..?
STAN: Dude! Cartman ate piss snow!
[Cartman starts trying to wipe his tongue off with his gloves.]
KYLE: Aren�t those the same gloves you used to pick up the snow?
CARTMAN: Son-of-a-bitch! Stan, when Ah get mah hands on that gay homosexual dog o� yours, Ah am gonna kick his gay ass!
[Mr. Tweek comes over to the boys, holding his stomach.]
MR. TWEEK: Oh, I�m not feeling so well now. I think there may have been something wrong with that coffee snow cone you gave me, Eric.
KYLE: Yeah! He used the same gloves to pick up that snow as he did to pick up the piss snow he ate right before the coffee snow!
MR. TWEEK: Oh, my God!
[Mr. Tweek barfs on Cartman.]
CARTMAN: What the f*ck!? Goddammit! You bastard! Ah�ll kill you!
[Mecha Tweek transforms back into Tweek. Mr. Tweek barfs on Cartman again and runs over to Tweek.]
CARTMAN: You motherf*cker!
MR. TWEEK: Are you all right, Tweek.
TWEEK: Aaaahhh! Need more coffee!
MR. TWEEK: OK, son. Let�s go get you hopped up on caffeine. Do you boys want to come along?
STAN AND KYLE: Okay.
[Mr. Tweek, Tweek, Stan, and Kyle exit the scene.]
CARTMAN: Ay! You...you get back hya right now, Goddammit, so Ah can...so Ah can...Damn! Ah ain�t feelin� too good raht about now...
[Cartman barfs all over the front of his coat.]
CARTMAN: Son-of-a-bitch!
[End song and credits.]