Episode 101 - Cartman Gets An Anal Probe[Original Version]
[At the bus stop]
[Singing] Boys: [Singing]School day, school day, teacher's golden ru... Kyle: Ah, damn it! My little brother's trying to follow me to school, again. Ike: [Baby talk] Kyle: Ike, you can't come to school with me. Ike: [Baby talk] Cartman: Yeah, go home you little dildo. Kyle: Dude, don't call my brother a dildo! Stan: What's a dildo? Kyle: Well, I don't know... and I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either. Cartman: I know what it means! Kyle: Well, what? Cartman: I'm not telling you. Stan: What's a dildo Kenny? Kenny: Mrmmrmpmpmp
[Laughter] Cartman: Huh, yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is all right!
[Kyle swings Ike by his feet, knocking Cartman down]
Cartman: Ow!
[Ike laughs]
Stan: Dude! That kicks ass! Kyle: Yeah, check this one out. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby! Ike: Don't kick the baby. Kyle: Kick the baby.
[Kyle kicks Ike. Ike flings into four mailboxes, knocking them down.]
[Cartman yawns]
Stan: Whoa, Cartman, looks like you didn't get much sleep last night. Cartman: Oh, dude! That's 'cause I was having these bogus nightmares. Kyle: Really? What about? Cartman: Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed... in the dark. When all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room. Then slowly my bedroom door begin to open and the next thing I remember I was being drug through a
hallway. Then I was lying on a table and these scary hands wanted to operate on me. And they had big heads and big black eyes...
[Through his dialogue it shows Cartman being drug through a hallway and aliens pulling his pants down.]
Stan: Dude! Visitors! Kyle: Totally! Cartman: What? Stan: That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were visitors! Cartman: No, it was just a dream, my mom said so. Stan: Visitors are real. Kyle: Yeah, they abduct people and they mutilate cows. Cartman: Oh, shut-up guys you're just trying to make me scared. And it's not working.
[Chef drives up and gets out of the car.]
Chef: Hello there, children. Boys: Hey, Chef. Stan: What's going to be for lunch today, Chef? Chef: Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles and a choice of green bean casserole... or vegetable medley. Cartman: Kick ass. Chef: Say, did any of you children see the alien space ship last night? Cartman: Huh. Kyle: Yeah, fat boy saw it! Cartman: Eh, no, that, that was just a dream... and I'm not fat, I'm big boned. Chef: Oh, was it the ones with the big long heads and the black eyes? Cartman: Oh! Stan: They took him on their ship. Chef: Oh! Did they give you an anal probe? Cartman: Oh! Kyle: What's an anal probe? Chef: That's when they put a big metal hooba-jube up yo' butt. Kyle: Whoa, they gave you an anal probe Cartman? Cartman: No! I I mean, eh, why would they do that? Stan: Dude, they did, huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass?!? Cartman: No! Ike: Ahal probe Cartman: Shut-up dildo! Chef: Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria. You boys watch that fat boy now.
He could be under alien control.
[Chef walks back to his car, there is a picture of an alien that says BELIEVE below it on his shirt.]
Cartman: Oh!
[Chef drives off.]
Kyle: We told you they were real Cartman. Sorry to hear about your ass. Cartman: Goddamnit, they didn't do anything to my ass. It was just a dream.
[They start to file onto the bus.]
Kyle: Why are you walkin' so funny Cartman? Cartman: Shut-up!
[Ike waddles by.]
Ike: I play today. Kyle: No, Ike, go home. This is it, this ones for the game.
Ike: Purple.
Kyle: Kick the baby!
[Kyle kicks Ike, who flies through the first window of the school bus and crashes out through the other side.]
Stan: [Out of shot] Good one!
[On The Bus]
Stan: Good morning, Miss Crabtree. Ms. Crabtree: Sit down! We're runnin' late!
[The bus starts to drive down the road with Ike standing at the bus stop.]
Kyle: Damn it, he's still there. Stan: Oh, don't worry about him. Kyle: No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me. Ms. Crabtree: SIT DOWN BACK THERE! ARRRGGHH! Kyle: [Out the window] Ike! Go home! Ms. Crabtree: I SAID SIT DOWN! Stan: Yeah, whatever ya fat bitch! Ms. Crabtree: What did you say? Stan: I said I have a bad itch. Ms. Crabtree: Oh.
[Kyle sees two aliens holding Ike.]
Kyle: Oh my God! Stan: Visitors
[Kenny mumbles something and then squeezes his coat tighter.]
Kyle: Ike!
[Kyle runs to the front of the bus]
Kyle: Stop the bus! Miss Crabtree, you have to stop this bus! Ms. Crabtree: Sit down, kid! Kyle: But I have to get off! Ms. Crabtree: Do you want an office referral? Kyle: No. Ms. Crabtree: Then sit down! Kyle: But I... Ms. Crabtree: Ahhhh! Kyle: Ahhhh! Kyle, Ms. Crabtree: Ahhhh!
[Kyle runs back to his seat.]
Stan: Cartman, are those the same visitors you saw? Cartman: Shut-up you guys it's not working. Kyle: I'm in big trouble! We have to do something. Stan: Well, we can't do anything for now, that fat bitch won't let us. Ms. Crabtree: What did you say? Stan: Uh, I said that rabbits eat lettuce. Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do.
[The bus swerves flinging kids into one side of the bus.]
Kyle: What am I going to do? My little brother's been abducted by aliens.
[Stan farts]
Kyle: You farted.
[Laughter] Cartman: Somebody's baking brownies.
[Farmer's grazing fields with a mutilated cow] Farmer: This is the third cow this month. At this rate all of my cattle are gonna die before the winter's through. Officer Barbrady: This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time.
[Cows nod "no".]
Farmer: People's been saying they've been seeing UFO's around. Officer Barbrady: UFO's? [Laughs] Farmer: Yeah, and black army, CIA helicopters and trucks, like there's some kind of government coverup goin on! Officer Barbrady: That is the silliest thing I've ever heard.
[Helicopters fly above the sky.]
Farmer: Well, what was that? Officer Barbrady: That, that was a pigeon. Farmer: What am I supposed to do, Barbrady? Just stand here and watch my cattle get mutilated one by one.
[Four aliens appear in the forest. The cows stare. One alien waves a piece of hay and whistles. The cattle runs away from them]
Farmer: Hey! My cattle!
["Cattle Ranch" sign falls down.]
Farmer: Well, that's just great! You see, there is somethin' funny goin' on! Officer Barbrady: There's nothing funny going on. I'll get those cows back.
[Mr. Garrison's class] Mr. Garrison: And now children, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus. Mr. Hat: That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indian's best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Fredrick Douglass and a, and a freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France.... Kyle: Oh, man. I can't just sit here, I have to help my stupid brother, I'll come home without him and my dad will start yelling 'Where's your brother, Kyle?' 'You weren't looking out for your little brother, Kyle?' Stan: Okay, okay, let's ditch school and go find him. Kyle: 'You know he can't think on his own, Kyle!' 'Brush and floss, Kyle!'
'Where has that finger been, Kyle?' Stan: Dude! Mr. Garrison: Is there a problem, boys? Kyle: Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now. Mr. Garrison: Oh, really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another prostate tumor? Kyle: No, my little brother's been abducted by aliens. [a silence] It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe. Cartman: Heh, heh, that's a, that's, that's just a little joke. Heh, heh.
[Kyle walks up to Mr. Garrison's desk.]
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go. Can I please be excused from class? Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat? Kyle: I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you! Mr. Garrison: Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat. Kyle: Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class? Mr. Hat: Well, Kyle. No!! No, No, No! Now, I'm Mr. Hat and you're, you're a little turd! You hear me?!? You go to hell! You go to hell and you die! Mr. Garrison: Hmm, I guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle. Kyle: Damn it! Mr. Garrison: Ok, Mr. Hat, Why don't we talk to the children about Columbus' uterus? ...Mr. Hat? Oh great, now Mr. Hat's all pissed off! Kyle: Fuck Mr. Hat! Mr. Hat: No no no, Fuck You!
[Shot of the rest of the class looking absolutely shocked.]
[Cut to Commercial]
[Train Tracks] Conductor: Hey, you cows can't get on this train! This is a people train. You cows have no business on a people train, all right? 'Cause you're cows.
[The cows are all staring at the conductor.]
Conductor: No, no, no. Don't try any of that cow hypnosis on me, all right? 'Cause it's not gonna work.
[Officer Barbrady drives by with his lights flashing.]
Officer Barbrady: Hold it right there, cows!
[Cows split up and run off mooing.]
Officer Barbrady: Come back here! [Drives off after them]
[Cafeteria. The boys are in line.] Kid 1: So then I had ... Kid 2: Ya, seriously, killer.
Cartman: Oh, ooh, I sure am hungry.
[Pip, the british kid, walks over to the boys]
Pip: Allo, gentlemen. Any of you blokes know what's for lunch today?
[Stan and Cartman just stare at Pip]
Pip: Lunchy-munchies! Hmm? Cartman: Go away, Pip. Nobody likes you! Stan: Yeah, what kind of name is Pip', anyway? Pip: Well, my father's family name being Pirrip', and my Christian name, 'Phillip', my infant tongue.. Cartman: Goddamnit! Would you shut the Hell up? Nobody gives a rat's ass! Stan: Yeah, go away, Pip! Pip: Righto! [Leaves] Cartman: God, French people piss me off! Kyle: Hey, look, there's Wendy Testeburger. Stan: Huh, where?
[Love music plays while hearts dance around Stan's head.]
Cartman: [Teasing] Stan wants to kiss Wendy Testeburger. Stan: Shut-up, fat ass, I don't even like her. Cartman: I'm not fat, and you obviously like her because you throw up every time she talks to you. Stan: I do not. Kyle: Guys! If I don't get Ike back from the visitors my parents are going
to disown me! How can you even think of anything else?
[They enter the serving room. Chef is behind the counter.] Chef: Hello, there, children. Boys: Hey, Chef. Chef: How are you doing? Kyle: Bad. Chef: Why bad? Kyle: Chef, have you ever had something happen to you, but nobody believed
you? Chef: Oh, children, children, that's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song. It might clear things up. Chef: [Singing]I'm gonna make love to you woman, gonna lay you down by the
fire. And caress your womanly body, make ya moan and perspire. Gonna ... Stan: Uh, Chef. Chef: ... get those juices flowin'... Stan: Chef! Chef: ... we makin' love, gravy, love, gravy, love, love, love, love, love, gravy! Stan: Chef! Chef: ...love... huh? Now, do you feel better? Kyle: No. Chef: Oh, come on children, what could be so bad? It's Salisbury steak day. Stan: Visitors took Kyle's baby brother. Chef: What?!?
[Chef tosses a food tray aside and runs to the other side of the counter]
Chef: What the hell do you think you're doing in school eatin' Salisbury steak? Go find him, damnit! Kyle: Our teacher won't let us out of school. He thinks we're making it up. Cartman: You are making it up. Chef: Uh, you...you can pretend you're sick! They'll send you home if you're sick! Kyle: Nurse McSchwartz won't send you home unless you have a fever! Chef: [Thinking] A fever. Ahh, hold on now, hold on now. [To himself]You, you you, gotta help the children. Cartman: You guys sure are going a long ways to try and scare me. I want my Salisbury steak!
[Chef returns holding tamales in his hands]
Chef: Okay. Okay, just each of you eat one of these. They're Chef's special extra hot tamales. They'll raise your temperature long enough to get you all out of school.
[The boys take the tamales]
Stan: Rad! Killer, thanks Chef. Chef: Just be careful with those now! They'll make you breathe fire!
[Shot of the playground. Children playing. Kenny is on a swing. Pip is on top of a slide. Cartman, Stan and Kyle are watching Pip, still holding their tamales]
Pip: Are you quite sure it's save? Cartman: God, it's just a slide, Pip! Don't be a wuss!
[Pip slides down, does a backflip as he leaves the slide and crashes headfirst onto the pole on the swing set. Kenny laughs hysterically]
[Pip stands up as his head starts gushing blood]
Pip: Oh dear! I've cracked me noggin! Stan: [Laughs] Good one, dumbass! Cartman: [British accent] Yeah, why not give it another go, mate? Pip: Oh! I must flee to the nurses office! [Leaves] Cartman: Goddamn, I hate that kid! Stan: Okay, you eat your hot tamale first, Kyle. Kyle: No way, Dude. You go first! Stan: He's your brother. Kyle: Okay, here goes. Cartman: Hey, Stan! Here comes Wendy Testerberger! Stan: What? Where! Wendy: Hi, guys. Kyle, Cartman: Hi, Wendy. Wendy: Here, Stan. This is for you.
[Wendy hands Stan a note]
[Stan throws up.]
Wendy: Eww! Kyle, Cartman, Kenny: Bye, Wendy. Kyle: Dude, what does the note say? Stan: Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school. Kyle: Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her. Cartman: Or slip her the tongue. Kenny: Mhhmhmmmh Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat?
[Silence]
[Kenny laughs]
[Laughter]
Cartman: I get it!
[Three fifth graders walk up to the boys] Fifth grader: What are you girls doing? Cartman: Oh, son of a bitch. The fifth graders! Kyle: Uh, we're about to eat tamales. Fifth grader: Give them to me. Stan: You don't want them. They're really hot! Fifth grader: Well, then I want to see the fat kid eat em all. Cartman: Huh? Fifth grader: Go on, fatty! Eat em! Cartman: I'm not fat! I'm big boned! Fifth grader: Eat em all! Stan: He doesn't have to! Fifth grader: Do it, or else we'll beat up your friends!
[Stan and Kyle hand their tamales over.]
Stan: Wow, guess you don't have a choice, fat boy! Cartman: Oh, dude! Weak! Fifth grader: Go on, kid!
[Cartaman devours the tamales]
Fifth grader: [Laughs] Look at him! That's funny! Kyle: Why don't you guys pick on somebody else? Fifth grader: Why don't you make us, shrimp? Cartman: You guys, I don't feel so good.
[A strange rumbling emitts from Cartman's stomach]
Fifth grader: Come on, guys. Let's beat these little runts silly.
[Cartman farts fire]
Cartman: Ow! My ass! Kyle: Damn, Cartman. Fifth grader: Hey! What's the matter with him?
[Cartman farts fire]
Cartman: Ow! Excuse me! Ow! My ass! Kyle: Dude, he's farting fire. Fifth grader: Let's get out of here.
[The fifth graders turn tail and run]
Stan: Good job, Cartman! Cartman: Heh! That's right! I'm pretty tough!
[Cartman farts fire]
Cartman: Ahh! Goddamnit! Kyle: Hey! Wait a minute! This is our lucky break!
[Nurses office. Pip is on a table; his head is still gushing blood like crazy.]
Pip: And I hit me head on the concrete! Nurse McSchwartz: Oh, it's not that bad! You just need a little antiseptic!
[Put a few dabs of antiseptic on his head and applies a small bandage.]
[The boys enter the the office.]
Kyle: Nurse McSchwartz! Our friend is really sick! We have to take him home! Nurse McSchwartz: Well, why don't you get up on the table. Pip: Oh, bother! I do hate to see another child in pain! Stan: Shut up, Pip!
[Cartman gets on the table and shoves Pip off]
Nurse McSchwartz: Young man, we do not say shut up' in school. [To Cartman] Are you sure you're not faking? You know your friends Stan and Kyle pretend to be sick a lot. Stan: Hey! This time it's different! Our friend is really sick! Nurse McSchwartz: Well, I'll take his temperature and see if he has a fever.
[Nurse McSchwartz starts to put a thermometer in Cartman's mouth. Cartman starts seeing Nurse Mcschwartz as an alien with a probe. He bites the thermometer, breaking it.]
Nurse McSchwartz: Ouch! That's it! You boys get back to class and stop wasting my time or I'm gonna write an office referral.
[Cartman farts fire]
Cartman: Ow! My ass! Nurse McSchwartz: Oh my God! Cartman: Excuse me. Kyle, Stan, Kenny: We told you! Nurse McSchwartz: Wha-What the Hell is wrong with you? Stan: Oh, Nothing! He's just shooting balls of fire out his ass! Kyle: So, can we get out of school and take him home now?
[Cartman farts fire]
Nurse McSchwartz: Yes! Yes! Just get him the Hell away from me!
[The boys leave. Pip, still bloody, pops up from behind the table]
Pip: Oh dear! I do hope he'll be okay! Nurse McSchwartz: Shut up, Pip! Pip: Righto
[Downtown] Boys: [Singing]We got out of school! No more school today, we got out of school...
[Cartman farts fire]
Cartman: Oh, you guys! My ass! Seriously! Stan: Okay, Cartman, we got out of school, you can stop farting fire now. Cartman: I would if I could you son of a bitch! Kyle: Okay, so how do we get my little brother back? Cartman: Would you stop going on about your little brother? I know it was just a dream. I know I didn't have an anal probe. And I know that I am not under alien control!
[Lightning strikes Cartman and he gets big blushy cheeks and starts to sing.]
Cartman: I love to sing-a! About the moon-a and June-a and the spring-a. I
love to sing-a about a sky of blue or a tea for two...
[Cartman is zapped again and returns to normal. Silence]
[Dogs barking in the background]
Stan: What the hell was that? Kyle: He is under alien control. Cartman is linked up to the visitors! Cartman: Ah, son of a bitch!
[Cut to Commercial]
[Downtown] Cartman: You guys, shut up! I'm not under alien control. Kyle: [Into Cartman's ear] Hey! Cartman: Ah! Kyle: [Into Cartman's ear] If you visitors can hear me, Cartman: Hey! Kyle: [Into Cartman's ear] Bring me back my little brother, Goddamnit! Cartman: Ow! That hurt, you buttlicker!
[A spaceship appears and hovers over them]
Stan: Kyle, look! It's them. Kyle: Give me back my brother!
[Kyle throws a rock at the spaceship.]
[Spaceship fires back with a flash of light hitting Kenny and knocking him into the road.]
Stan: Oh my god! They've killed Kenny! Kyle: You bastards! Come back here! Come back!
[The spaceship flies away]
Kyle: Damn it, we were so close. Stan: Hey look, I think Kenny's okay.
[Kenny gets up.]
Kenny: No, I, I'm alright. Ahhhh!
[Kenny is stampeded by the cattle]
[Kenny gets up again.]
Kenny: Nope, I'm okay. Ah!
[Officer Barbrady runs over Kenny, knicking him to the side of the road. The others walk over to Kenny's mutilated body.]
Stan: Wow, poor Kenny. Kyle: Now do you believe us Cartman? Cartman: No! Stan: Didn't you see the spaceship? Cartman: No! Kyle: Cartman, they killed Kenny! Cartman: He's not dead.
[Stan picks up a stick and hits Kenny's bloody body.]
Stan: Dude, Kenny is dead. See. Cartman: Shut-up you guys.
[He takes Kenny's head and pulls it off.]
Kyle: He's dead, Cartman! Cartman: Goddamnit, I didn't have an anal probe! Screw you guys, I'm goin' home. Kyle: Go on and go home you fat chicken! Cartman: Dildo! Kyle: You're all I have left Stan. Stan: Sorry, dude, I gotta go meet Wendy Testeburger. Kyle: You can't! Poor Ike must be so scared up there all alone. You gotta help me dude!
[Rats feast upon Kenny's body.]
Stan: Dude, like Chef says, I've gotta get a piece of lovin' while the gettin's hot.
[Rats drag Kenny's head off]
Kyle: Thanks a lot, dildo! Rats.
[Cartman's house] Mrs. Cartman: Hello, Eric Cartman: Hi, mom! Mrs. Cartman: How are you doing? Cartman: Well, I'm pissed off. Mrs. Cartman: Here, I made you powdered donut pancake surprise. Cartman: I don't want powdered donut pancake surprise. All the kids at school call me fat! Mrs. Cartman: You're not fat, you're big boned. Cartman: That's what I said. Mrs. Cartman: You can have an insy weensy bit, can't you? Cartman: No! Mrs. Cartman: Just a weensy insy woo woo? Cartman: No! Leave me alone, mom! Mrs. Cartman: How about a nice chocolate chicken pot pie, then? Cartman: What? Well, that does sound pretty good. Un, mom? Mrs. Cartman: Yes, hon? Cartman: If anybody calls or comes over, I'm not here, okay? Mrs. Cartman: Sure, hon. You want some cheesy poofs, too? Cartman: Yeah, I want cheesy poofs.
[Stark's Pond] Kyle: Well, it looks like she's not going to show up Stan. Let's go look for the visitors, now. Stan: But her note said she'd be here. Wendy: Hi, Stan.
[Stan throws up.]
Wendy: Eww! Kyle: You can't talk to Stan Wendy. He throws up when you do. Wendy: But why Stan?
[Stan tries to hold it back, but throws up.]
Wendy: Eww! Kyle: Look, can you guys just get down to business so I can go find my little brother. Wendy: Huh? Kyle: Just make sweet love down by the fire. Wendy: What happened to your little brother?
[Cartman's house. Cartman is sitting on the couch with his pot pie. A cat
walks into the room and stares at Cartman]
[Meow] Cartman: No, kitty, this is mah pot pie.
[Meow] Cartman: No kitty, that's a bad kitty
[Meow] Cartman: No kitty it's mah pot pie!
[Hiss] Cartman: Mom! Kitty's being a dildo! Mrs. Cartman: Well, then I know a certain kitty kitty who's sleeping with mommy tonight. Cartman: What?
[Stark's Pond] Kyle: Now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed. Wendy: Well, why don't you go get the fat kid? Kyle: Why? Wendy: Well, it's obvious that the fat kid has something implanted in his ass and it's linked to the visitors somehow. You need to use him as bait to
get them back. Kyle: Hey. You're right, Wendy. Come on Stan, we have to go get Cartman. Wendy: Come on, Stan.
[He throws up again.]
Wendy: Eww! Stan: Hey, wait, when do I get to make sweet love?
[A bird flies into his puke and starts waddling around in it.]
[Cartman's House]
[Meow] Cartman: No, kitty, you can't have any!
[Meow] Cartman: No, kitty, this is mah pot pie. Bad kitty!
[Cartman farts fire, setting the cat ablaze]
Cartman: Eh, 'scuse me, Kitty.
[Mrs. Cartman enters the room with Kyle, Stan and Wendy.]
Mrs. Cartman: Eric, look who's here. Cartman: Dude, weak mom. Kyle: Come on Eric, we're going to go play at the bus stop. Cartman: I can't, my mom said... Mrs. Cartman: That's okay, Eric, I think you need to go spend time with your little friends. Cartman: [Quietly]But mom, I don't want to spend time with my little friends. Mrs. Cartman: Don't be difficult, Eric! Uh hum, now you go out and play in
the fun snow. Cartman: Oh, Goddamnit!
[The kitty then runs by in flames.]
[Forest] [Cartman's foot is tied to a tree.]
Cartman: You guys, I have to get home. Stan: Don't be such a fraidy cat, Cartman. This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again.
[Cartman kicks his foot to try to get loose.]
Cartman: Oh, man, this sucks. Kyle: How come the visitors aren't coming for him. Stan: I think we have to signal them somehow.
[Cartman farts fire]
Cartman: Ow! Wendy: Hey, he's like Rudolph. Kyle: Yeah, all you have to do is fart some more, Cartman! And the visitors are sure to come! Cartman: Really? Uh, I don't think I can fart anymore tonight. Kyle: Sure you do! Stan: Come on Cartman, fart! Cartman: I don't wanna. Stan: He can't hold it in forever. Kyle: Fart, damn you! Cartman: Come on, you guys! It's suppertime! I bet my mom is worried sick!
[Cartman's house. His Mom, Dad, and little sister are at the dinner table]
Cartman's Mom: [Near panic] Wait a minute! Something's missing! [Pause] Cartman's Mom: [Calm] Oh yeah, the gravy.
[Cartman's Mom leaves, humming. The cat jumps on the table. His fur is black from being on fire.]
[Meow]
[Forest] Cartman: Untie me! Stan: Well, looks like they're not going to come, Kyle.
[Strange lights fill the forest]
Stan: [Gasp] What is that? Cartman: Oh, son of a bitch!
[Cut to commercial]
[Forest] [Chef drives up]
Kyle: Oh, it's just Chef in his Town-and-Country. Chef: What's going on, children? Stan: We're trying to lure the visitors back but it's not working. Kyle: I'll never see my little brother again. [Bursts into tears] Chef: There, there, Kyle. Can I offer you some advice? Kyle: Sure Chef: [Singing] I'm gonna make love to you, woman. Gonna lay you down by the fire. Stan: CHEF! Chef: Huh? Stan: We need help signaling the aliens. Chef: Oh! Right! [Shouts to the sky] Hey! Alien visitor people! Down here! Cartman: Shhhh! Chef: [Shouting] Come on, now! Nice juicy fat kid! Cartman: Goddamnit, I'm not fat! Stan: Come on, visitors! You can give him another anal probe! Cartman: Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today
has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass? I'm sick of it! It's completely immature!
[A spaceship floats above Cartman's head.]
Cartman: Oh, Goddamnit! Chef: I'm getting the Hell out of here! [Jumps in his car and takes off] Stan: Hey!
[A tractor beam tries to take Cartman away, but the rope tied to his ankle prevents them.]
[Mr. Garrison's Car] Mr. Garrison: What the? I tell you, there are some crazy stuff going on in this town. Mr. Hat: You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
[Forest] Kyle: Come down here you stinking aliens!
[Four aliens appear.]
Kyle: Uh, uh. Stan: Go on, Kyle, ask 'em for your little brother back. Kyle: Vi, Visitors, this morning you took my little brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... is a pretty special thing. Stan: Yeah. Kyle: Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again. Stan: That was beautiful, dude. Kyle: Did it work? Stan: No, they're leaving. Kyle: Hey, you scrawny ass shithead, what the fuck is wrong with you?! You
must be some kind of fucking asshole to be able to ignore a crying child! Stan: Whoa, dude! Kyle: You know what you fucking like, you like to !@#$% and !@#$% and !@#$% and !@#$% and !@#$% and !@#$%! Stan: Hey Wendy, what's a !@#$%?
[The spaceship door opens, Ike is standing there.]
Ike: [Baby talk] Kyle: Ike, jump down! Now! For the love of God, Ike, jump! Ike: [Baby talk] Kyle: I promise I'll be nice to you, Ike! I won't even Kick the Baby'! Ike: It's my turn!
[Ike dives into the snow.]
Cartman: You guys, get me down from har!
[Cartman farts fire and burns the rope in half.]
Cartman: Ow!
[Cartman goes up into the ship and the spaceship flies away.]
Cartman: Help! Sons of bitches! Dildo! Stan: Phew, I'm sure glad that's over with. Kyle: Yeah. Boy, am I glad to see you, Ike. Ike: Oh, he fly out of the sky. Kyle: Come on, Ike, we can make it just in time for dinner.
[Kyle and Ike leave]
Stan: Thanks for your help, Wendy. Wendy: Whatever, dude. Stan: Hey, I didn't throw up. Wendy: Cool.
[They both look at each other like they're going to kiss.]
[Wendy pucker up.]
[Stan vomits.]
Wendy: Eww! Stan: Sorry. Wendy: Hey, look. A french fry. Stan: Cool. Wendy: And what is that? Stan: I think it's part of a cheesy poof.
[Chef's song starts up.]
Wendy: Hey, what's that? Stan: That's... a hamburger from... that's from, like, two days ago. Wendy: Hey, what about that? Stan: I don't know what the hell that is.
[Cut to Commercial]
[Bus Stop] Stan: Gee, the bus'll be here any minute, and Cartman still isn't around. Kyle: Yeh, we're running out of friends.
[Kenny walks up]
Kenny: Hi guys, what's going down? Stan: Oh hi, Kenny! Kyle: Hey, you're looking pretty good, Kenny! Kenny: Thanks!
[Officer Barbrady drives up]
Officer Barbrady: I just want you boys to know that absolutely nothing out of the ordinary happened here in South Park last night. Kyle: We know about the visitors, Officer Barbrady. You don't have to cover them up to us! Officer Barbrady: Visitors? [Laughs] That's a hoot! Say, you boys haven't seen a herd of cattle around here, have you? Stan: No, did you ask those people over there?
[Stan points to a group of aliens barbecueing what's left of the herd of cattle. Cattle skeletons are strewn about the place. The aliens all have hats on]
Officer Barbrady: Yeah, they didn't know anything. Take care, boys. Okay,
bye.
[Officer Barbrady drives off. Ike bounces in]
Ike: [Baby talk] Kyle: Dude! Ike, you can't come to school with me! I'm not going through all that again! Stan: He seems to be his normal self. Kyle: Yeah. You know, I still can't believe how upset I was when I thought
he might be gone for good. Ready, Ike? Kick the Baby! Ike: Don't kick the baby! Kyle: Kick the baby!
[Kyle kicks Ike through the front window of Cartman's house. Cartman's mother peers out of the hole in the window]
Cartman: What the? Now who would kick a baby through my window?
[Bus Stop]
Cartman falls out of the sky, landing next to Kyle and Stan. Cartman: Puh. Stan: Oh, hey Cartman. Kyle: Wow Cartman, the visitors dropped you off just in time to go to school. Cartman: Ah, dude! That's so weak, dude! Stan: What a grand adventure this has been!
[Pip shows up in front of the screen]
Pip: God bless us, everyone! Cartman: Goddamnit! As soon as I can walk again, I'm gonna kick that kid's
ass!
[The End]