Okeedokee. This is gonna be sort of a take-off on Wild West movies, so it's prolly a bit different. And, it kind of centers around Pip. I hope y'all like it! :)
The first part prolly is a bit blar, but it does get better--it's background info, as most of the first parts of my fanfics are.
<insert legal stuff here>
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[Boy's Locker Room. It is before gym class. The boys are tying their shoes]
Cartman: Hey! Where's Sheila?
Kyle: What do you mean, "Where's Sheila?"
Cartman: AY! What do you *think* I mean? I ask, "Where's Sheila?" and I really mean, "Can you buy some ham for me?" of course. That totally makes sense! You braindead hippies are all on crack, that I swear! Well, where is she? She usually comes in here before gym class, looking for an avocado.
Stan: Dude! Why would Sheila come in here looking for an avocado?
Kyle: I don't know. She's Sheila. She's just psychotic that way.
Kenny: {I don't think she was really looking for an avocado...}
Kyle: Dude! What are you talking about?
Kenny: {Ask Cartman}
[Kenny laughs]
Cartman: AY! WOULD SOMEONE ANSWER MY QUESTION!?!? I'M GETTING PISSED OFF HERE!
Kyle: Dude! Don't you remember? She has to help Pip with reviewing for that math test.
Stan: Dude! I pity her!
[In classroom]
[Sheila is writing a word problem on the blackboard. Pip is staring at the blackboard]
Pip: Oh, dear! These word problems are so confusing!
Sheila: No they're not! It's just basic math. You just gotta figure out an equation for the numbers.
Pip: Oh, dear! I'm hopeless!
Sheila: No, no, no! You're gonna understand these bastards, or else my name isn't Sheila Broslofski!
Sheila: [thinking] Oh, well. I guess this is my good deed of the century. I wouldn't normally be so *tolerating*, but I'm just in a rare mood today, since tonight is my big date with Cartman! So, I guess I'll put up with the French kid for a bit. It wouldn't hurt to help the kid with these word problems.
Sheila: OK. If Bob has $100, and he sees 15 plants he wants to buy, and each individual plant costs $5, how much change will Bob get?
Pip: [writing frantically on a piece of paper] Umm, $300?
Sheila: Erm, nope! OK, how about this one? Bubba has $10.00, since he got drunk last night and blew his money buying a pair of platform shoes, a miniskirt, and dyed his hair since he thinks he's Cyndi Lauper because he's drunk. Bubba now wants to go to a dime store and buy $10.00 worth of those little gummy hats, which cost $.10 apiece. How many little gummy hats can he buy for $10.00?
Pip: Erm, 237?
Sheila: No. Oh-*KAY*! *AHA*! I got it! OK, Pip, listen up dude! Now, *this* problem you had better get right! OK....hmm...Pip has $50. Sheila tells Pip to go buy as many pinwheels as he can buy with his $50. Since pinwheels cost $.25 apiece, how many pinwheels can Pip buy?
Pip: 200!
Sheila: All right! You got it now! Ok, just think of everything in terms of pinwheels, and you'll do just fine!
Pip: Thank you, Sheila!
Sheila: Oh, don't mention it!
Pip: [thinking] Oh, glorious day! Glorious, glorious day! Not only do I finally understand these dreadful word problems, but I do believe Sheila may feel the same way about me as I do about her! For so long, I have admired her! But, no one has known this. And, today she was being really nice to me, so I think she may actually *like* me! She might even give up Eric for *me*! Oh, *glorious* day! I wonder what she's thinking right now? Thinking about *me*?
Sheila: [thinking] Why do bananas get all weird if you put them in a refrigerator? Are Boston cream pies really from Boston? What would happen if you shoved a balloon up your nose? Would your head expand? Explode? What? What is SPAM made out of? What does it all mean? Supposedly Poisoned Artificial Meat? Will the trolls ever <bleep> off and leave alt.tv.southpark alone?
Pip: [thinking] Oh, yes! I do really think that she's thinking about me!
Sheila: Bye, Pip! Now, I gotta go find that avocado!
Pip: Sheila, wait a minute!
Sheila: Yeah?
Pip: Oh, I...I...I, umm...I mean, do you...Would you...I mean, I really like you. [hugs Sheila]
Sheila: AAAHH! Egad! You...you *SCHMEGAGY*! Go buy yourself a pinwheel!
Pip: [smiling] Right-o!
[Pip leaves classroom]
Pip: [thinking] She *does* like me? But, what's a schmegagy?
Sheila: [thinking] Schmegagy? What on *earth* is a schmegagy?
[note from author--What is a schmegagy?]
[At lunchtime. Wendy and Sheila are eating lunch together]
Sheila: ...so, then he hugged me! Oy! Why *me*?
Wendy: You don't *like* Pip, do you?
[Sheila bursts into laughter]
Sheila: No! Wendy, don't think through your ass!
Wendy: I'm not. I was thinking maybe you finally saw the truth about Cartman. Even *Pip* is better than *Cartman*!
Sheila: Wendy, you're my best friend. What are you saying here?
Wendy: Nothing. [thinking] I don't wanna get her started on one of her defending of Cartman rants. She'd still be screeching ten days from now.
Sheila: Ok, that's good. I just thought I heard you suggest that I should dump Cartman for *PIP*! If you would have said that, I would have been concerned as to if you're on something, hit your head several thousand times off the wall, or just finally snapped. But, promise me this, Wendy. Not a *word* of this to anyone at all! Other people may misinterpret and then I'll be stuck in one <bleep>ed up mess, and then I'll be pissed off, and I'll be forced to cut out your brain.
Wendy: Ok, Sheila. Not a word.
[Cut to Pip, who's sitting at a table in the cafeteria all alone]
Pip: [talking to himself] Oh, she likes me! She *likes* me! But, what am I supposed to do? How do I get Eric to back off? Oh dear, Pip! You shouldn't be planning on standing up for yourself in any way. That will get you into trouble. But, I really like her! And, Eric really isn't a very nice person. He doesn't deserve Sheila. Oh, what a terrible dilemma! What am I supposed to do?
[Recess--after lunch]
[Pip is shown writing a letter. He is repeating what he is writing to himself]
Pip: My dearest Estella, umm, I mean *Sheila*! I really like you, and I have admired you for a very long time now. I really hope you find it in your heart to return the sentiments, as I know you really like me too. Please choose me over Eric. I feel that he isn't nice enough for you. Love, Phillip.
[Some older kids that don't have names come over and start beating up Pip for no reason]
Pip: Ouch! Oh my!
[A gust of wind blows the letter across the playground]
[Pip is still being beat up, so he doesn't see this]
[Stan, across the playground from Pip, along with Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny, sees the letter and picks it up. He reads it]
Stan: Dude! This is seriously <bleep>ed up here!
Kyle: Dude! What's that?
Stan: It's a love letter! And, you wouldn't *believe* what it says!
Kyle: Let me see!
[Stan hands the letter to Kyle]
Kyle: [reading letter] *DUDE*!
Cartman: What? What is it?
Stan: Should we show him?
Cartman: Yes! Show Cartman! Show Cartman!
Kenny: {Show *WHAT* to Cartman?}
[Kenny laughs]
Kyle: The *letter*, Kenny. Get your mind out of that gutter! Do you think we really should show him that letter?
Cartman: AY! Don't speak about me as if I wasn't here! YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF, YOU SCHMEGAGIES!
Stan: Dude! What's a schmegagy?
Cartman: It's a...Oh, goddammit!
Kyle: OK, dude, here's the letter. If you decide to go on a homicidal killing spree, just make sure you wait until we get out of the area.
[Kyle hands Cartman the letter]
Cartman: Who's Estella?
Kyle: Dur, fatass! It's *SHEILA*! Estella is crossed out! It says *Sheila*! As in my cousin!
Cartman: Oh... [continues reading the letter]
Stan: Oh, shit! I really don't think you should have let him see that.
[Cartman's eyes go all pinwheely. He whines and screeches]
Cartman: THAT SON OF A BITCH! TRYING TO STEAL MY GIRLFRIEND! THAT STUPID BASTARD SON OF A BITCH! THAT ASSHOLE! THAT...THAT...umm, who's Phillip, anyway?
Kyle: Phillip is Pip.
Cartman: THAT FRENCH PANSY!?!?! OH *NO*!!! OVER MY DEAD BODY! HE'S GONNA *DIE*!
Stan: Now I *really* think you shouldn't have given him this letter!
Cartman: [screeching] PIP! GET YOUR STUPID FRENCH ASS OVER HERE!
[Pip climbs out from inside a trashcan--obviously put there by those kids who were beating him up. Pip approaches Cartman and the other kids]
Pip: Yes, Eric?
Cartman: Does this look familiar to you, you schmegagy?
[Cartman hands Pip the letter]
Pip: Oh, I was just...
Cartman: TRYING TO STEAL SHEILA FROM ME! I DON'T TAKE THIS KIND OF SHIT! I DON'T! IF SOMEONE MARCHES ON IN HERE AND TRIES TO PUT A LUMP OF GREEN JELLO IN MY SANDBOX...
Stan: What?!?
Pip: I wasn't trying to steal Sheila from you. She really likes me! She's leaving you on her own.
Stan: [to Kyle] Dude! Is he for real? Is Sheila really interested in Pip?
Kyle: No, she's still crazy about fatass. Pip is just a delusional <bleep>ed up weirdass French croissant.
Cartman: No! NONONONONO! [throws a hissy tantrum] You're making it up.
Pip: And, I think it's about time she dumps you. You're an obnoxious jerk, and you don't deserve her at all. You're one of the meanest kids I have ever met. In fact, I think you are quite the poo-poo. And, I think I should prove how much I like her by defeating you in a battle of courage and nobility.
Cartman: A what?
Pip: We'll have a showdown. A duel.
Cartman: All right then! If you're going to try to steal Sheila from me, then I'm gonna kick your ass! No one, and I mean *NO ONE* screws around like this and gets away with it. I can get pretty defensive when some stupid asshole tries to screw around and steal *MY* girlfriend. YOU'RE GONNA DIE YOU STUPID BASTARD FREAK!
[Cartman farts at Pip]
Cartman: I'll kick you in the nuts!
[Sheila and Wendy enter]
Sheila: And, what's going on here?
Cartman: [quickly] Nothing.
[Cartman glares at Pip. Pip is staring, with a silly grin, at Sheila. Cartman looks even more pissed off]
Sheila: I really think something is...
[Sheila doesn't get a chance to finish her sentence. Cartman gives Pip the evil eye, then Cartman smooches Sheila]
Sheila: *DUDE*!
Cartman: Stupid French *VEENERSCHNITZELS*! They are *ASSHOLES*! They are *WRONG*! Told ya so! And, the stupid French bastard is gonna die soon!
Sheila: Cartman? What are you talking about?
Pip: [thinking] Oh, what have I gotten myself into this time?
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It sucked, eh?
Comments, criticisms, etc. *ALWAYS* welcome please!
~Kyle Broslofski~