Had some troubles sending it earlier, so here's try #2.
"South Park: The Weenie Wars" -- COMPLETE --- by Xebot, 7/2/99 - 7/4/99 [email]
PART I -- DOG WAR AFTERNOON
[SCENE: THE BOYS ARE STANDING OUTSIDE.]
KYLE: Hey, Stan, what are you gonna do over the Fourth of July weekend?
STAN: My parents bought a huge box of fire-crackers. I can't wait. What are you gonna do, Kenny?
KENNY: Mrrrrrrrrjph.
STAN: Don't worry, you and Kyle can help me set them off.
CARTMAN: [PAUSES. LOOKS AT STAN AND KYLE.] It's too bad that I'm busy this weekend, or I'd invite Kenny to join me -- because I feel sorry that nobody likes him or wants to invite him anywhere ...
[PAUSES.]
Wanna know what I'm doing for the Fourth?
KYLE: OK, Cartman, what are you doing?
CARTMAN: My mom got me tickets to ride on the space shuttle so I can see the fireworks from space.
STAN: You're a lieing piece of #$@(*&!, Cartman.
KYLE: No, Stan, he's the whole enchilada.
CARTMAN: You're just jealous 'cause I didn't invite you guys along!
STAN: That's because your mom is saving the cargo hold for the Denver Broncos' mascot!
KYLE: Yeah, Cartman's mom is the only woman with an ATM in her bedroom!
KENNY: Umaammmaaaaa Tttthhhrrrrrrrmmmmmmmm!
KYLE: You're right, Kenny, Uma Thurman had one first.
CARTMAN: Hey, I'm hungry. Let's go down to Slaughterhouse 5 and get some Weenie Dogs!
STAN: I'm tired of Weenie Dogs, and I'm not hungry, anyway.
KYLE: Yeah, neither am I. See you later Cartman.
[SCENE: CARTMAN WALKS UP TO A STREET FOOD VENDOR. IT'S A SMALL FOOD CART JUST LARGE ENOUGH TO FRY CORN DOGS. IT HAS A SIGN THAT SAYS "SLAUGHTERHOUSE 5". THE VENDOR IS CHEF.]
CARTMAN: CHEF? What are YOU doin' here?
CHEF: Well, I can use the extra money. Too many of South Park's husbands are starting to audit their wive's bank accounts.
CARTMAN: So how's business?
CHEF: I just told you ... oh! You mean with the push-cart? Things couldn't better! I'm thinking of giving-up women altogether ... except as a hobby; it's so embarassing to explain to a husband why his wife listed me on a form 1099.
[STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY ENTER. THEY'RE EACH EATING CORN DOGS.]
CHEF: Hi, children! Would you like to buy some Weenie Dogs?
STAN: Thanks, Chef, but we found a better place.
KYLE: Yeah, no offence, Chef, but Slaughterhouse 5 weenies suck.
CHEF: Where did you get THOSE corn dogs?
STAN: We got them at the "K-9 Wok".
CARTMAN: HEY! I thought you guys said you weren't hungry!
STAN: Times change, dude.
CARTMAN: They smell sweeeeeeeeeeet! Can I have one?
STAN and KYLE: No!!!
CARTMAN: Good! 'Cause they smell like Snoop Doggy-Poop!
CHEF: They DO smell good, boys; but how could you leave me, as it were, with my dogs flappin' in the wind?
KYLE: Sorry, Chef, we just like K-9's weenies better.
CHEF: I wish I could say that I've never heard THAT before ... but at least this time it's not from Uma Thurman.
[STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY LEAVE. CHEF AND CARTMAN ARE ALONE.]
CARTMAN: This WILL NOT STAND! I'm drawing a line in the mustard! Don't worry, Chef, I'll save your business!
CHEF: Just to be clear ... you ARE talking about my "push cart" business, aren't you?! Yeah, I guess you couldn't hurt.
[SCENE: CARTMAN IS DRIVING A BULLDOZER. HE DRIVES TOWARD A PUSH-CART THAT HAS A SIGN ON IT WHICH READS "K-9 WOK". STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY ARE STANDING NEARBY. CARTMAN BULLDOZES THE PUSH-CART.]
STAN: Cartman, you asshole! You just destroyed the K-9 Wok!
[CHEF APPEARS FROM THE BACK OF THE BULLDOZER.]
KYLE: CHEF?!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING SIDING WITH CARTMAN?!!!
CHEF: Hey, I have to think about my financial future. How much longer can I do the "Full Monty"?!
STAN: [ANGRY] This means war! We'll CRUSH YOU BOTH!
CARTMAN: [DEVILISHLY] Let the Weenie Wars begin ...
PART II -- BIG DOGS NEED BIG GUNS
[SCENE: STAN, KYLE, KENNY, JIMBO OUTSIDE.]
JIMBO: I heard about The Great South Park Weenie Wars, and figured I could help you with some military tactics and training.
STAN: Thanks, uncle Jimbo.
KYLE: This won't be too strenuous, will it?
JIMBO: Hell no! The U.S. Army only has one tactic, anyway, make sure that you've got a bigger gun than the enemy! Roll her in, Ned!
[NED DRIVES-UP IN A TANK. A SIGN ON TOP READS "K-9 WOK II". A SIGN AT THE BOTTOM READS "WEENIE DOGS $1.25".]
STAN: But, isn't this kind-of expensive for push-cart?
JIMBO: It's not a push-cart, it's an "M1 Abrams Weenie-Dog Delivery Vehicle". As for the price, just do what the Pentagon does.
[JIMBO CLIMBS ON THE TANK, AND REPAINTS THE LOWER SIGN.]
STAN: [READING THE SIGN] "Weenie Dogs $999,999.99".
KYLE: Will people pay that much?
JIMBO: That's the reason for the "99 cents" at the end; people won't THINK of it as a million dollars!
NED: That'zzz called "marketing".
JIMBO: Of course, we'll have to change the name. "K-9 Wok" sounds a little "fruity" for an American fighting vehicle and weenie mobile. How about this...
[JIMBO CLIMBS ON THE TANK, AND REPAINTS THE TOP SIGN.]
STAN: [READING THE SIGN.] "Dogs of War". COOL!
KYLE: Cry havoc, dude!
[SCENE: CARTMAN, CHEF AND CARTMAN'S POT-BELLIED PIG, FLUFFY, ARE AT THEIR PUSH-CART, "SLAUGHTERHOUSE 5". FLUFFY IS DRESSED IN COMBAT FATIGUES AND HELMET.]
[CARTMAN IS DRESSED LIKE JULIUS CAESAR, AND WEARING A WREATH.]
CHEF: I don't know if we should be going out today. Stan and Kyle were awfully upset. Maybe we ought to just forget this war, thing.
CARTMAN: Cartman shall go forth! Ne'er hence shall they look upon the face of Cartman, but in utter humili-TAH!
CHEF: But I saw some bad omens last night. A lioness whelped in the streets; and ghosts did shriek and squeal; and the Scuzzlebutt did gither and gimble in the mire!
CARTMAN: Danger knows full well that Cartman is more dangerous than he: we are two lions litter'd in one day. And Cartman shall go forth!
[STAN, KYLE AND KENNY DRIVE UP IN THEIR TANK; THEY CRUSH THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE 5 PUSH CART. THEY GET OUT.]
KYLE: I told you, Cartman, don't f**k with us!
CHEF: That wasn't nice, children!
STAN: Sorry, Chef, but even with all of the stories Jimbo's told us about Vietnam, we STILL can't get used to the idea of losing. Maybe when we're older we'll understand that a nation's dignity is less important than the lives of its people -- but for now, we demand your unconditional surrender!
CHEF: Our what?! You just destroyed my push-cart!
KYLE: We had to destroy the cart to save it, dude.
CARTMAN: Don't worry, Chef. I've got a trick up my toga!
CHEF: I wish I could say that I've never heard THAT one before.
[CARTMAN PULLS A CONCH SHELL FROM UNDER HIS TOGA, AND BLOWS IT.]
[HUNDREDS OF MAD COWS, WEARING ROMAN UNIFORMS, STAMPEDE. STAN AND KYLE CLIMB ONTO THE TANK. KENNY GETS CRUUUUSHED.]
CARTMAN: Havest not a cow, Sir Kenny!
STAN: Cartman killed kenny!
KYLE: You fat-ass bastard!
STAN: Take this, fat-ass!
[STAN OPENS A PORTAL OF THE TANK. THE AROMA OF WEENIE DOGS ESCAPES.]
[FLUFFY SNIFFS THE AIR, AND THEN JUMPS UP TO STAN AND KYLE.]
CARTMAN: Et tu, Fluffy? Then fall, Cartman! [PRETENDS TO DROP DEAD.]
CHEF: [PLEADING, BUT FIRM] See what you kids -- and I mean ALL of you -- have done? You've turned this into some kind of war, and made a mockery of a Cracker Classic!
KYLE: You guys started it.
STAN: Face it, Chef, WE WON! The Dogs of War rule the weenie streets of South Park!
CHEF: [ANGRY] Not by the hair of Madonna's armpit, you don't!
[EYES GET CRAZY, BUT SPEAKS SLOWLY.]
...And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know that my name is Chef when I lay my vengeance upon thee!
[CHEF DRAGS CARTMAN OFF-SCREEN BY HIS FOOT. CARTMAN'S HEAD BOUNCES ON ROCKS.]
CARTMAN: Not by my foot! Ow! Ow!
STAN: Chef seemed awfully mad at us. He told me he never saw Pulp Fiction.
KYLE: Uh ... dude, he hasn't.
STAN: Uh-oh!
PART III -- WHO DAT BOMB-SHELL?
[SCENE: CHEF IS PILOTING A B-2 BOMBER. CARTMAN IS THE BOMBADIER.]
CHEF: OK, Cartman, start dropping the bombs. OH! That one hit the hospital! OH! That one hit the school! Good, that one hit The Dogs of War weenie tank! Well, I guess one-out-of-three isn't too bad for an eight-year-old.
CARTMAN: What are you talking about? I haven't missed yet!
CHEF: You've gone TOO FAR, Cartman! It's not funny to drop bombs on hospitals and schools!
CARTMAN: You're right; we should just arm high school students, that would be funny.
CHEF: NO!
CARTMAN: What about Tweek? He's one step from the post office, as it is?
CHEF: NO!
CARTMAN: [SHEEPISHLY] I heard he hates black people...
CHEF: NO! NO! NO! What was that about hating brothers? Forget it, NO!
[SCENE: STAN AND KYLE ARE LOOKING AT THEIR DESTROYED TANK. PIECES OF KENNY ARE EVERYWHERE.]
KYLE: Stan, we've got to get revenge, but how can we top this?!
STAN: Don't worry, I've got a secret weapon that I was saving to use on my sister, Shelley. It's called an A-bomb, which is perfect because Cartman's an A-hole.
KYLE: Dude, that bomb's "GOT BACK"!!! Where'd you find it?
STAN: I found it in Jimbo's basement, inside a crate that was marked, "Don't open until Jesse Jackson Elected". Wasn't he with the WWF?
KYLE: My parents say he's the guy who called New York "Hymie Town".
STAN: What an asshole! Uh,...what's a "Hymie"?
KYLE: I don't know, but they must taste awful bad. You should see my mom's face when she hears the word!
STAN: I bet Cartman would eat one!
KYLE: Cartman will eat the A-bomb if we don't sneek up on him, dude.
[SCENE: TOWN HALL MEETING. CARTMAN AND CHEF ARE AT A TABLE BEHIND AND TO THE LEFT OF THE STAGE. STAN, KYLE AND KENNY ARE AT A TABLE BEHIND AND TO THE RIGHT OF THE STAGE. THE MAYOR IS PRESIDING.]
MAYOR: OK, for two days now, there has been a war raging in South Park. I have made it my goal to bring together the warring factions and see if we can find common ground for an end to the war.
CHEF: I wouldn't really call it a war, Mayor. It was more of a weenie police action.
BARBRADY: Why wasn't I informed? We can't have untrained civilians running around, taking weenies into their own hands! That's my job!
MAYOR: I see. Let's ask our political consultant, Dr. Strangelove.
DR. STRANGELOVE: Zee danger uf a veenie-gap cannot be overstated. Vee must look very close at zees boy's veenies!
MAYOR: Uh, thank you Doctor. Please don't drool on the linen.
[BILL CLINTON ENTERS FROM STAGE-LEFT.]
CLINTON: Can I be of some assistance here? I wasn't too bad in Kosovo!
MAYOR: Why? You've done all the cows in Washington?! Did you catch your zipper on a stewardess and have to make an emergency landing in South Park to have her removed?!
CLINTON: [CHUCKLING TO AIDE] She's got some mouth. Reminds me of Kathy Lee ... Kathy Lee Bates, that is!
MAYOR: [ENRAGED] Not getting enough fiber in your diet, "MR. MAN"?! Try eating my shorts!!!
CLINTON: [CLINTON WALKING-OFF STAGE, CHUCKLING TO AIDE] I like the mouthy ones, they always swalla! Hey, do we have any bombs left?
MAYOR: [RECOMPOSED.] Now let me get the list of grievances. I'll start with the People's Republic of Independant Contractors; who will speak for the PRIC?
CARTMAN: That's me.
MAYOR: And what are your grievances towards the Confederated Union for National Trade?
KYLE: [WHISPERS TO STAN.] Dude, I told you there was something wrong with that name.
CARTMAN: While our grievances are many, I will list only one. They are all a bunch of RACISTS!
STAN: What the hell are you talking about, Cartman? How can we be rascists?
CARTMAN: I don't see any black people in your country?! What? They're all working in the salt-mines? Oh, I'm sorry! I forgot that slaves don't count as people! I guess I'll have to read your constitution, I'm a little weak on my Goebbels!
KYLE: That's NOT FUNNY, FAT-ASS!
CARTMAN: J'accuse?
[KENNY TAKES OFF HIS SHOE AND BANGS IT ON THE TABLE SEVERAL TIMES.]
MAYOR: ORDER! ORDER! I think I see where this is going. I'm going to BAN ALL PUSH-CARTS FROM THE STREETS OF SOUTH PARK!!!
CARTMAN: Even the Mexicans?
MAYOR: Of course, not. This meeting is adjourned!
[SCENE: THE BOYS AND CHEF ARE STANDING OUTSIDE THE TOWN HALL.]
STAN: Well, I've learned that a capitalist society relies upon the hope that people will compete fairly, because that makes things better for everybody.
CHEF: I've learned not to let money make me forget who my friends really are.
KYLE: And I learned that A-bombs are not just for Japanese, anymore.
STAN: What?!!
KYLE: Just kidding, dude. I learned that a free market needs some reasonable limits. What did you learn, Cartman?
CARTMAN: [DRESSED LIKE NAPOLEAN] LIBERTE! EGALITE! ARTMAN-CAY!
CHEF: C'mon, children. We'd better leave Cartman for the squirrels to ponder...