This is an ICQ chat between myself and Stumpy. It's kind of a "behind the fanfics" type of deal, giving you an inside look on the insanity of fanfic writers. It's a learning experience that is meant to teach people to fear us. ;)
Without any further weird ramblings from moi, here it is! (Stumpy isn't posting right now because his ISP is acting really evil.)
DISCLAIMER: This may not make any sense at times. It may also cause your brain to freeze up, and then thaw, leaving little splat marks on your monitor. Neither of us take responsibility for any such occurances, so neener. Neener. Neener.
Two teenagers, one male, one female, sit at two computers. One screen with a variety of explosions, flying pancreas's's's, spleens and hearts, cries of death, and some guy rabbiting on about grenades. On the other, there is a picture of Cartman. The female is starnig at Cartman, drooling. GUY: DIE HEATHEN BEAST! MY SNIPER RIFLE MOCKS YOU! MOCK! MOCK! I HAVE DECAPITATED YOU ! AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! [He throws his head back and laughs] GAL: Keep it down, Cartman has a head-ache! GUY: Cartman is a fictious character with about as much life as sex with Barbara Streisland. GAL: Eww... GUY: I can be pretty graphic at times. Anyhoo, I'm Stumpy, I'm an alcoholic - GAL: Uh, Stumps, it's the wrong day. GUY: Oh shit, yeah. Anyhoo, I'm Stumpy, and I'm insane. The below passage is that of mine and Jess' mental imaginations. GAL: Yeah, lots of cartman! GUY: HE IS FAKE! GAL: Then how come he's on TV. Nothing on TV is fake. GUY; Even Star Trek? GAL: Uh-huh, that's real. The only not-real type show is the discovery channel. GUY: [Puts head in hands] Never mmind..welcome to 'ficcy type ting, drink booze, smoke ganga mon. [fade out] [fade in with Funky music]
Jess enters the World. <Jess> HOWDY!!!!!!!! Whatcha been up to??? <Stumpy> HIHIHIHIHIHIHI <Stumpy> not much <Stumpy> u? <Jess> I changed to a new school, and I updated my site :) Added The Cartman Dance :) <Stumpy> <shudder> y u transfer? <Jess> Because my old school sucked ass. My new one is AWESOME! I have so much more freedom, and no more uniforms! Virtually no homework, too! <Stumpy> bitch.... <Jess> Hehehehehe :) <Stumpy> I've got a shitloada homework <Jess> If I had teleportation powers, I could teleport you to my school! <Jess> There's 2600 kids in my school, so there's none of those snobby cliques dominating everything, too..it's awesome! <Stumpy> cool. <Stumpy> we got over 3000 at our school <Stumpy> so nyeah! <Jess> WHOA DUDE!!!! <Stumpy> there is 2 main groups, Trendies and Grungers <Stumpy> grungers listen to good music (Korn, Limp Bizkit) <Stumpy> Trendies listen to crap music (Steps, Britanny spears, etc <Jess> What years are in your school? <Jess> Steps? Whuzzat? <Stumpy> Steps = englush teenyboper band <Jess> In my school, there's a million different groups....preppies, trendies, punks/skaters, goths, jocks.... <Stumpy> years? damn, 7, 8 , 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 <Stumpy> 12 and 13 are upper and lower sixth <Jess> ICK! TEENYBOPPER. EVIL! EVIL! EVIL! <Jess> Ahh...we have 9-12 at our school (there's no 13 in the US) <Stumpy> teenyboppers should be rounded up and slaughtered. <Stumpy> Hitler had the right idea, but with teenyboppers and the world would have been a better place <Jess> I agree!!!!!!! To many of them around..... <Jess> MWAH-HA-HA!!!!!!!! :) <Stumpy> NO, enough evil belly-dancing and more Limp Bizkit <Jess> Too many kids are obsessing over N'Stink and the Backseat Boys and all those things.....<shuuuuuuudders> <Jess> I actually haven't heard Limp Bizkit... <Stumpy vomits <Stumpy> then u havent lived <Jess> Why did you vomit?? <Stumpy> N stink <Jess> I can't listen to it, my brother has the cd, but he won't let me anywhere near it, and he's ALWAYS around.. <Jess> <Jess> Ahh, yes, that is DEFINITELY reason to vomit! <Stumpy> which CD? their first or second? <Stumpy> second is better, but faith rules the world <Stumpy> what your rough download speed? <Jess> Their first one, methinks...my mom is evil with censorship shit, so she won't let him get the second... <Jess> 14.4, methinks.... <Stumpy> wow, that's slow <Stumpy> i'm getting 512kb/sec soon <Stumpy> freakist thing happened to me 2day <Jess> LUCKY! <Jess> Ooh, what happened? <Stumpy> I was on the bus home from town (where i spend money and freuently get drunk) and four rows of the seats next to me where filled up with teenies <Jess> ACK!!!!!!!!! <Stumpy> 8 teenies stared at me in my hawiian shirt (dont laugh, it's yellow, red and kick-ass) <Stumpy> and when i turned to look at them, they all looked out the wondow <Stumpy> window <Stumpy> i laughed at them, <Jess> I'm not laughing, Hawaiian shirts are awesome :) <Stumpy> i found it hilarious <Stumpy> they all waved when i left as well <Stumpy> i was afraid <Stumpy> very afraid <Jess> Duuuuude....is it a sign of schmegagy?? <Stumpy> uh....sure <Stumpy> :) <Jess> I would be afraid, too.... <Jess> SCHMEGAGIES! EVERYWHERE! <Stumpy> it's a big evil governemnt plot against cool people <Stumpy> it blows that your mum's into censorship shit <Stumpy> I caught my dad listening to significant other today <Jess> Oy, she's like Kyle's mom!!! <Jess> Hehehe :) <Jess> My mom has AWFUL music taste.. <Stumpy> he then moved onto rage against hte machine which got voted the most offensive band today! <Stumpy> He loves the stuff i'm into <Jess> Hehe, he's awesome!! <Stumpy> He'll even give me money just to et Cds! <Jess> My dad's not bad with music, but my mom's into Yanni and Kenny G...<scream> <Stumpy> pure evil incarnate! <Jess> I wish my parents would do that! <Stumpy> they're cool <Stumpy> i came home stoned once <Jess> I'm getting Eminem's CD uncensored :) Without my mom knowing it's uncensored :) <Stumpy> i got iot <Stumpy> it <Stumpy> it's really <Stumpy> funny <Stumpy> <Jess> Whu? <Jess> Ooh! <hits self on head> <Jess> DOn't mind me, temporary braindeadness! <Stumpy> i came hoe stoned once, and my dad said something, in the morning aparently i was singing along with George Michael <Jess> LOL!!!! <Jess> Your parents didn't freak or kill you?? <Stumpy> no! my dad was like me when i was younger so he knows what it's like. He comes up to me and says "It's your life, you can spend most of it sonted if you like! <Jess> Wow! Your parents are awesome!! <Jess> My mom's a really strict catholic <screech> and my dad just sorta is like, "Well, whatever your mom says" <Stumpy> ditto, but i can really easily work my dad down <Stumpy> if my mum says no, off to dad <Stumpy> ! <Jess> Heh, my dad's mostly staring at the tv, so he doesn't really go against what she says....he has a strange thing, that she has the say in things that she shouldn't 'cause I should but <screech> <Jess> I don't make seeeeeense! <Stumpy> i know. Today in town, we made a 8 foot long straw-tower. We got lighters and melted them all together, it now sits proudly at the bar of our Plantation cafe! <Jess> Cooooooooooooooools!!! :) <Jess> <Stumpy> it was fun <Jess> Today I was feeding geese, and trying to get my mom to convince me to take me to the mall to buy stuff <Stumpy> hehe, my mu mcan't be bothered to buy me stuff ne more, so she asks what i want and give me money to get it <Stumpy> i just realised my mum doesnt give a damn <Stumpy> cool! <Jess> LUCKY!!!!! My mom never gives me money, unless she wants me to pay it back!!! <Jess> It's that whole "you have a job, you spend your own money' deal <screech> <Stumpy> lol. i've got a friend like that! <Jess> I wish my parents weren't so fucking strict!!!!!! <Stumpy> they were rea\lly strict when i was young <Jess> They won't even let me buy the SP movie when it comes out on video! <Jess> They're stricter with me than they are with my little brother <Stumpy> no way! I saw that twice and my dad even wants to see it (but they removed it from our cinema...bastards) <Stumpy> i'm definatly buying it <Jess> I only saw it once, I had to go with my mom b/c of the damn rating system here...and she freaked, and she don't want me to see it again..<grumbles> <Stumpy> it's sooo funny <Jess> So'm I, one way or another.. <Jess> I know! I LOVED that movie!!! Most of it REALLY went over my mom's head! <Stumpy> rating sytem? no way, i'm just under 15 they asked me my age, i said i was 15 and they let me in! <Stumpy> they're well stupid where i live <Stumpy> <hums "uncle fucker"> <Jess> Heh!! We need ID if we look under 25!!! Hafta be 17 and up to get in a R rated movie here... <Jess> <joins in humming> I had my friend and her little sister listening to that song, they died laughing <Stumpy> i was in tears with my m8. we split the money and bought the soundtrack straight afterwards <Jess> I got teh soundtrack only after much convincing my mom...<screech> <Stumpy> I was disapointed the corrosion and sonformaty song wasn't on they <Stumpy> when kenny goes to hell <Stumpy> for the first time <Jess> Yeah!! I want that song on there!! I don't even think there's an mp3 of it! <Stumpy> I tihnk "Good Love" is cool <Stumpy> no way! <Stumpy> my m8 has it on CD <Jess> YEAH!!!! AWESOME SONG!!! <Stumpy> <complete subject chage> hows your love life? <Jess> I do too :) <Jess> Sucky. Awful. <Stumpy> :( <Jess> I don't know, I swear that guys have an altered vision, that they see me as being a guy or something....the only guys who ever paid any attention to me were *obviously* gay! <Stumpy> some gay guy came onto me and my m8 today <Stumpy> it wa funny <Jess> LOL!!!! What'd he say? <Stumpy> he pinced my m8's arse, so he punched him <Stumpy> this gu was like 25, so we figured he was a peodo <Jess> DUDE!!!!!!!!! <Stumpy> phile or something <Jess> Eekers, weirdass guy! <Stumpy> it freaked us way out <Jess> Some dude in my Spanish class was grabbing at my neck so I totally threated to beat him up...he's scared of me now :) <Stumpy> i live in a pretty fucked up town <Stumpy> yeah, that's happened to me on a few occcasions <Jess> Same here...it's small and boring, yet it somehow is so incredibly fucked up <Stumpy> i've got a pretty livly city, went to a concert a month back, pretty schizo <Stumpy> the lead singer was knocked out by a flying beer bottle <Jess> All our concerts are outta town <Jess> LOL!!!!! What band was this? <Stumpy> Green Day are meant to be playing here soon <Stumpy> some unsigned bastards - they where crap anyway <Stumpy> it just sped thigs up <Jess> <wants to teleport to Stumpyville!> <Jess> LOL!!!! <Jess> You know ICP/ <Jess> ? <Stumpy> Yes - and i think they suck portions <Jess> I don't really know their music.. <Jess> All I know is that their bus stalled out in the middle of my town, and they were stuck here for awhile, bored outta their minds <Stumpy> cool <Stumpy> u heard slipknot ? <Jess> Nopers, never heard them before <Stumpy> they;re mental, and they're music is good <Stumpy> my right arm has no hair <Jess> Cools! I wonder if they're in the US, with any schtuff.. <Jess> <Jess> Dude! Why? <Stumpy> they're an american band <Jess> Cools! :) <Stumpy> why? deoderant + sprayed on arm + lighter = no arm hair <Stumpy> simple maths really <Stumpy> it hurt as well <Jess> Duuuuuuude!!!!! <Jess> I suck at math <Stumpy> i do as well - but somehow am in the top set (?) <Jess> I exploded stuff in chemsitry class, but I always avoided it <Jess> Heh, I used to be #1 in my class, 'til I changed schools...now I'm struggling with spanish ' <Stumpy> I got to disect a cow' heart on friday! that ruled! <Jess> <Jess> Dude! In what class? <Stumpy> biology GCSE (similar to SATS in america) <Stumpy> i think <Stumpy> have u been to the IRC chat room recenlty? <Jess> Cools! I konw I'm takign a physiology class...right now I'm in biology...I don't mind dissecting things, I just don't like the smell of the chemicals they soak those things in <Stumpy> that's old talk! <Jess> Nope, not since last week or so, methinks <Jess> Whuz old talk? <Stumpy> yeah, i'm doing drama GCSE, we gotta go scare little pre-schoolers soon! <Stumpy> it's part of our couse, we gotta go perform with the police that walking away with strangers is naughty!� <Jess> LOL!!!!! I'm taking a drama class next semester...we get 4 classes per semester...they each run 86 minutes long.. <Stumpy> 86 - wow, that's precise <Jess> LOL!!!!!! Do something really bizarre! <Stumpy> Yeah, me and my m8 are gonna dress up as women <Jess> Yeah, I heard that number fifty zillion times, so I remember :) <Stumpy> warp their minds! <Jess> LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <Jess> SNORT TANG! <Stumpy> yeah! <Jess> Then, a rabid swami dog could be in the car wiht teh stranger, and it could jump out the window and bite someone's neck or somthing! <Stumpy> then we do street theatre! (heaven) basicly, we go onto our main street or to the mall and preform mime! it's gonna rule! <Stumpy> YEAH! SWAMI DOG! <Jess> Woohoo!! <Jess> LOL!!!!!!! I have to go to that site, haven't been there in awhile <Stumpy> i got an email from a guy saying well done for writing "You gotta be kid-ding" and i never even got to read a copy! <Stumpy> me neither <Jess> Eh? How'd you get an email 'bout my 'fic? <Jess> I'll sendies!! :) Lemme get it in a .txt file for ya.. <Stumpy> your fic?! dunno. some uy said well done <Stumpy> cheers <Stumpy> look and laugh! <Jess> Heh, that's wierd.. <Jess> <opens file.. <Jess> ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS THE GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <Jess> Did you read Carmtan Pan, and Facts of Life? <Stumpy> I KNOW! <Stumpy> some of it <Stumpy> i dindnt see facts of life <Jess> <will sendies..> <Jess> I'm going to record "Facts" since it's a mini-fic with me and Sheila, and I'm gonna put it on my site.. <Jess> Ooh, would you be able to forward me that email? (if ya still have it) <Stumpy> umm, i shoudl. i'll past it into here <Stumpy> Beep! Beep! <Jess> Okeedokee artichokees :) <Stumpy> naw, i haven't got it <Stumpy> lost it :( <Stumpy> i had a mini-fic going along for a bit, but i've lost it <Jess> [address] <Stumpy> it involced <Stumpy> me, u and dave <Stumpy> running round a mental sylum with guns <Stumpy> ? <Jess> Ooh, LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! <Stumpy> i've also started work on my parody of SP2 <Jess> <Stumpy> The Cartman Menice <Stumpy> hey, i just thought that up <Jess> WOOHOO!!!!! NEED STUMPY FICS!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!! <Stumpy> it's bollox tho <Jess> Why ya say that?? <Stumpy> well, becuase it is! <Jess> Neener, maybe it ain't! <Stumpy> it's main plotline is about canadians and iraqis being related <Jess> WRITEWRITEWRITE!!!!! <Stumpy> soz for delay, is proof reading <Jess> That's okeedokees <Jess> <stares at swamidog site> People take this *seriously* <Stumpy> if it doesn't work, i'll stick it in a .txt <Jess> Okeedokees.... <Stumpy> does it work? <Stumpy> Beep! Beep! <Stumpy> <Stumpy> Beep! Beep! <Stumpy> <Stumpy> Beep! Beep! <Stumpy> <Stumpy> Beep! Beep! <Jess> It worked!! :) <is reading.> <Stumpy> cools <Stumpy> loadsa grammer errors and speelings in it <Jess> IT IS SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FIIIIIIIIIIIIINIIIIIIIIISH!!!! <Jess> <stares> It's raining out one window, but not the other! <Stumpy> ?! <Stumpy> i coulnd't see the house across my street because of the fog this morning <Jess> Dude!! Isn't it always foggy where you live?? <Jess> That's waht I heard somewhere... <Stumpy> not really. <Stumpy> only in winter <Stumpy> in summer <Stumpy> is alays sunny <Stumpy> :) <Jess> It's only sunny when I"m in work or school...as soon's I get it out rains and screechies!@ <Stumpy> hehe. It's been great catching up, but i've got to go now and get some sleep <Stumpy> i work sunday mornings (groan) <Jess> Oy! Dammit!!! <Jess> I gotta go to church and sunday school on sunday mornings <screech> That's is so boring! <Stumpy> i would stay longer, but i'm really tired <Jess> I don't wokr this weekedn....I wil enxt weekend <Stumpy> tell me about it. 2 hours of someone telling you how your going to hell <Jess> It's like...11 or 12 where you are?? <Stumpy> 11:30 <Jess> I know...it's like, "OY!" in church! <Stumpy> i've got to get up in 6 or 7 hours <Jess> DUDE!@ <Stumpy> i really should sleep ealier <Stumpy> but staying up is fun <Stumpy> i talk to friends :) <Jess> Yeah...I usually saty up to 2 am or so on weekends...'til I'm screeched at :) <Jess> Me too :) Either that or I'm wirting something or otehr :) <Stumpy> cool. I <Stumpy> I'll go now, and when i next see u (hopefully next saturady?) i'll have more work done on my fic, but don't expect much"! <Jess> I'm SURE it'll kick ass!!! :) <Jess> I should be on next Saturday... <Stumpy> cools...see u then <Stumpy> l8r <Jess> Okeedokkees! <Jess> See ya laterz! <Stumpy> byes :*( <Jess> Byes! :*(
Jess and Stumpy leave the planet on their way home to the planet of zeb-dee where Eifell 65 continously play Blue and Where Stumpy and Sheila are armed with big rifles and get to take pot shots at their heads.
Cheeerio!
-Stumpy and Jess (c)