ROCKY HORROR SOUTH PARK SHOW A South Park/Rocky Horror Picture Show Crossover By Arthur Levesque ([email]) This is a work in progress -- for the full story to date: http://www.erols.com/backslash/text/rh-sp.txt
[Setting: "Jesus and Pals" set]
Jesus: Yea, it is said that life is an illusion, and that reality is but a figment of the imagination. But lo, though the children were in the valley of the shadow of cheap sex, yet they felt apprehensive and uneasy. This feeling did grow feeling as the other guests departed, and they were shown to their separate rooms.
[In the background, Cartman whining "But I don't want to go to bed yet! when do we get dinner?" Scene shifts to a pink bedroom, with Wendy in bed. Someone enters, and she sits up]
Wendy: Who is it? Who's there?
Stan: It's only me, Wendy.
Wendy: Oh, Stan, come on in. Maybe we can finally kiss now...
Stan: It's all right, Wendy, everything's going to be alright.
[Stan and Wendy kiss.]
Wendy: Hey! You didn't throw up! Wait a minute...
[Wendy pulls off "Stan's" hat, revealing that Stan is, in fact, Big Gay Frank!!!]
Wendy (screams): OHHH! Oh it's you!
Frank: I'm afraid so, Wendy, but isn't it nice...
Wendy: You tricked me...
[Frank tries to kiss her again]
Wendy: Oh, stop... I mean help... Stan! Stan!!
[Wendy knees Frank in the groin, and runs out of the room]
Frank: They do grow up quickly these days...
[Scene shifts to another bedroom... Actually, the same one, but this time everything is tinted green. Cartman hears a noise and sits up]
Cartman: Who is it? Who's there?
[A large bag of Cheesy Poofs enters, and runs to the bed]
Poofs: It's only me, Eric.
Cartman: Cheesy Poofs! Kick ass!!
[Cartman grunts and pulls the bag up onto the bed. He tears the bag open to reveal -- Big Gay Frank!!!]
Cartman (screams): Hey! Why can't I get anything to eat around here!! What is this, Etheropia?
Frank: Well, Eric, tonight's the night that Cheesy Poofs get to eat you!
Cartman: No! You tricked me!!
Frank: The others needn't know... I won't tell them...
[Scene ends... If you want to see more, you're sick! Anyway, we now move to the lab, where Riff and Magenta are cleaning up after the big convention. Actually, they're mostly watching Frank's antics on the monitor. Anyway, they notice Rocky sleeping on Frank's bed, and get evil glints in their eyes.]
Riff: I don't understand what the master sees in it.
Magenta: It has a nice ass...
Riff: It's a monster!
Magenta: It still has a nice ass!
Riff: It's still a monster!
[Riff grabs a menorah and threatens Rocky]
Rocky: Bah! Fire bad! Bachomp bachomp bachewy chomp chomp!!
[Rocky breaks the restraints holding him to the bed, and escapes. Scene changes to a purple-tinted bedroom, just like the others. Cartman's mom, wearing a flimsy neglige and carrying a crack pipe, comes running into the room, waking up Kyle.]
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, Kyle, it's no good here. You've got to help me!
Kyle: Mrs. Cartman? What are you doing here?
Mrs. Cartman (climbs into bed with Kyle): Oh, Kyle, you're so strong and protective.
Kyle: Are we going to make sweet love now? Cool!
[Kyle grabs the crack pipe, revealing that Mrs. Cartman is, in fact, Big Gay Frank!]
Kyle: YOU!
Frank: I'm afraid so, Kyle, but isn't it nice...
Kyle: What have you done with Mrs. Cartman?
Frank: Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?
Kyle: Nothing? You must be the only one South Park that hasn't!
Frank: Yes, well, ummm... Kyle, it wouldn't be all bad, would it?
Kyle: Stop it...stop it you faggot...
Frank: Shhh! Your friends are probably asleep by now, do you want them to see you... like this!
[Frank yanks Kyle's pants down]
Frank: Wait a minute, where's the rest of it?
Kyle (yanks pants up): Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame!
Frank: You never told me you were Jewish!
Kyle: Don't belittle my people, you gay fuck!
[Kyle chases Frank out of the room, cursing and yelling. Scene changes to another bedroom, identical to the others except for being orange tinted. Stan's sister Shelley comes running in, waking Kenny.]
Shelley: Kenny, thank God I found shomeone normal in here!
Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff.
Shelley: In the morning? OK, but you have to protect me...
[Shelley climbs into bed with Kenny. Kenny grabs her headgear and rips it off, revealing -- Big Gay Frank!!]
Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff.
Frank: Yes, I know. But it won't be half bad, it might even be quite pleasurable, actually... There's no crime giving yourself over to pleasure...
Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff.
Frank (disgusted at what Kenny just suggested): Good lord, THAT should certainly be a crime! Even *I* don't do THAT! You ARE a dirty little bastard!
[Frank leaves. Kenny shrugs, goes back to sleep. Yet another identical bedroom, tinted blue. Stan is in bed. Wendy comes running in, and Stan checks his Teiko watch (4:20) and sits up]
Wendy: Oh, Stan, it's no good here. We've got to leave!
Stan: Don't worry Janet, we'll be away from here in the morning.
Wendy (tries to climb into bed with Stan): Oh, Stan, you're so strong and protective.
Stan: Wait a minute! You're not Wendy! She never acts afraid like that!
Wendy: But Stan...
Stan: Get out! Get out!
[Stan beats Wendy with a pillow and chases her out of the room and into the hallway. She runs away, crying, and he walks back into the room. He sees Frank waiting there on his bed.]
Stan: God damn it!!!
[Before Frank can make a move (remember, he's behind schedule with five victims instead of two), the lights start flashing and Riff Raff's face appears on a monitor screen on the wall]
Riff Raff: Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished. Your new playmate is loose and somewhere on the castle grounds. Magenta has just released... the dogs.
Frank: Mmmmm? Coming!
[Cut to the lab. Wendy enters, still crying...]
Wendy: What's happening here? Oh, Stan, how could you do that to me? Oh, if only I hadn't come along... if only we hadn't gotten lost...
[Wendy notices the monitor, and starts flipping switches... Various castle rooms (empty), outside shots, and locations in South Park flash by on the screen. She stops when she sees a familiar face -- Chef, sitting on his bed smoking, with two women (from "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe") asleep behind him.]
ONCE IN A WHILE
(to the tune of "Once In a While")[Note: "Once In a While" is a song from "The Rocky Horror Show" which did not make it into the movie. The actual lyrics can be easily found on-line, and any album of the stage show will have this song on it (the "Rocky Horror International" CD has the version Barry Bostwick sang for the movie).]
CHEF
Once in a while
When you want some sweet love
You call a girl on the telephone
You get in your car, go to a bar
You say some junk and get her drunk
And take her home... And most of the time
That's all it takes
To get a chick to ride your bone
The stronger the wine
The better your chances get
To do something with that someone
You barely know... So, baby don't cry
Tomorrow morning
All of you white women feel that way
There's not too much pain
I'll call you again
So lots of luck, here's twenty bucks
Get on your way And most of the time
That's all it takes
To get greased and get a piece
So give her wine to have a good time
If you're not sore and you want some more
To score again...