Emenius Dethus Or, the Return of Mr. Hat Or, Doctor W. Bites the Dust
This is kind of a satire of that episode of 'The X-Files' where Mulder and Sculley visit the freak show and the little... thing... is killing everybody (including that little midget dude). Jordan (a friend) gave me the idea to use what is used for the kiler in this story. PS: If you haven't read this newsgroup for a while, you may not get the reference to a certain annoying 'Doctor' that posts horribly stupid 'fanfic' wannabes. Another little note: What with being in school again and stuff, I'm not quite going to be able to turn out these 'fics quite as fast as I used to. Anyway, Here goes:
---------- Mr. Garrison's Room ---------- (Little writing, a la The X-Files Appears) "1:15 PM MR GARRISON'S ROOM SOUTH PARK, CO" Mr. Garrison: Okay, children. Today is show and tell day. That means that you bring something worthless that nobody else cares about. Now, who's going first? How about you, Kenny? (Kenny walks to the front of the room) Kenny: (muffled): I have this balloon. (He hold up what you *might* mistake for a ballon. But this ain't made of rubber... it's made of latex) Mr. Garrison: Uh, Kenny... where'd you get that? Kenny: I found it in the porta potty on the way to the bus stop. Mr. Garrison: Uh, that's nice. Why don't you throw that "balloon" away? Kenny: Hee hee hee. (He sits down) Mr. Garrison: Okay, who wants to go next? Cartman: Me! Me! Me goddammit! Mr. Garrison: Allright! Cartman: I have this Snacky Cake that looks like the head of Commander Data. (He starts imitating Commander Data) At our present speed, it will take seven hours, thirteen minutes, six- Mr. Garrison: Okay, Cartman. What a lame-ass thing to show. Cartman: Ay! Shut up you son of a bitch! Mr. Garrison: Do any of you little crappers have anything *worth* showing for th- where the hell is little Sue? Cartman: Is she the girl scout that gives out cookies? Kyle: No, fatass. She's that quiet girl that just moved here last week! Cartman: Oh, yeah. Bitch number 17. Stan: She wasn't on the bus. Mr. Garrison: Gee, I wonder why. Kyle, go down to the office and see if she phoned in this morning. Kyle: Dammit! Why don't you make Cartman? Cartman: Mind your own business, you lazy piece of Crap!
---------- Unidentified House ---------- "1:15 AM UNIDENTIFIED BEDROOM SOMEWHERE IN SOUTH PARK, CO" (Okay. It's really dark in here. You can't see the sleeping figure) Person: Nooo!!! Noo! Not again! Aarrrg!!! (We then hear a few growls) (Kenny, keep you dirty mouth shut)
---------- Bus Stop ----------- "8:02 AM BUS STOP SOUTH PARK, CO" Stan: Dudes, have any of you seen Chef lately? Cartman: I think he got fired or something. Kyle: Why would they fire him? He makes the best goddamn food in the town. (Something jumps out of the bushes and pulls Kenny away) Kenny: F*ck! Stan: Oh my god! Whatever the hell it is killed Kenny! Kyle: You bastard-thing! Cartman: Dude, what the hell was that? Kyle: I dunno, but it looks familiar... (The bus arrives) Driver: Okay, children, time to go to school. Stan: Dude! Where's the old bit- I mean, Miss Crabtree? Driver: I don't know, honey. Do you miss your old driver? Stan: Hell, no. That bitch sucked ass! (Cartman is rooting thru his lunch) Cartman: Goddamit! Where the f[bleep] are my CHEEZY POOOFS! Stan: Chill, dude! Don't have a heart attack! Kyle: He will anyway, from all of that food he inhales! Cartman: Ay! I'm not fat! I'm a thin person trapped inside a fat man's body! Stan: More like five thin people!! Cartman: That does it! I'm gonna kick your head into your nutsack!! (Cartman gets up. Suddenly, the window breaks and a small hand reaches in and pulls an unidentifed kid out of the bus) Kyle: Holy crap!!! (Cartman reaches Stan and kicks him squa' in the head) Stan: Ow! You broke my nose, you son of a bitch!! Driver: Stan, are you hurt? We'd better get you to the nurse's office! Stan: I hope you get a detention, you f[bleep]ing whale! Cartman: Gee, I guess I don't know my own strength! (The bus arrives at school)
--------- Nurse Gollum's Office ---------- "10:13 AM NURSE GOLLUM'S OFFICE SOUTH PARK, CO" (We're seeing things from Stan's point of few... he blinks) Stan: Owww! It bleeds! Nurse Gollum: Be careful! Your nose has really swollen! Stan: It's Cartman's fault! I'll make sure that son of a bitch pays! Nurse G.: So what exactley happened? (Stan's eyes open fully. He sits up) Stan: I told you, that fat son of a- hey, where's your dead fetus? Nurse: Uh... that. I had it removed. Stan: But I thought you said it couldn't- Nurse: Well, I did! Stan: Chill dude! Can I go now? Nurse: I suppose, but try to not get kicked in the nose anymore. (Stan exits the nurse's office and begins walking down the hall) Stan: I swear, I'm gonna make fatass pay f- (Suddenly, a snarling blur runs past Stan, leaving a trail of blood) Stan: What the hell?! (The thing (seen from the back) reaches Nurse Gollum's office and enters it) Stan: Oh my god!
(Commercial)
---------- Lunch Room ---------- "11:43 PM LUNCHROOM JUST SOUTH OF A HOUSE" Stan: So I saw this freak thing go into the nurse's office! Kyle: Dude, did you see what it was? Stan: No! But it looked familiar... Cartman: Maybe it was a smurf! Stan: Cartman, it wasn't a smurf! You dumbass! Smurfs are blue! This thing was weird-colored! (Nurse Gollum enters the cafeteria) Stan: See dudes? She had that dead thingy removed! Kyle: I thought she said it couldn't be. Stan (whispered): C'mon, guys. We have to follow her! (The nurse leaves the cafeteria. The three scamps follow, a ways behind her) Cartman: Goddamit! I'm tired. Stan (whispered): Shhh! Be quite, dumbass! You wanna get us all, uh, killed?! Cartman (looks very scared): Uh, no... Stan: Then shut the hell up! (They follow the nurse for a fews seconds. She stops and goes into the ladies room) Kyle: Uh-oh. Now how do we follow her? Stan: Somebody has to go in there. (Stan and Kyle look at Cartman) Cartman: Hey, don't look at me, I've dressed in drag enough f[bleep]king times! Stan: C'mon, fatass! What if this thing eats Kitty next? Cartman: Oh, all right. But I'm gonna be owed by you guys after this!! (A standard 'time-elapse' effect as we now see Cartman dressed in a dress and high heels) Stan: Now go in there and see what's going on! (Cartman enters the ladies' room. Nurse Gollum is standing by the mirror.) Nurse Gollum: C'mere, come on, don't be afraid. (Unknown growl) Nurse: That's good. (We now turn to Cartman [or should I say Fruity Cartman]) Cartman (under his breath): Holy crap. (We're still looking at Cartman) Nurse: Owww! Aauugh! Dammit! Owwww! (Cartman leaves in a hurry. Outside of the door, Mr. Garrison's class is standing.) Mr. Garrison: Eric, would you mind explaining why you just went into the ladies room dressed like a whore? (The class laughs) Cartman: Ay! C'mere, you stupid bitch! I'll teach you a lesson! You never call Eric Cartman a whore again!!! I'ma gonna kick you in your Mr. Twig!! Mr. Garrison: Cartman, go see the principal. Cartman: Stan and Kyle, you're *SO DEAD!!!*
---------- After School ---------- "3:42 PM AFTER SCHOOL KIDS PLAYING BY THE BUS STOP, WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD" Cartman: Stan, why did you get the class?! Stan: I couldn't help it, fatass! Lunch was over, and Mr. Garrison asked where you were! Duhhh! Kyle: So Cartman, what'd you see? Cartman: That thing can come off of Nurse Gollum! I saw it! Kyle: We need to get the police! Cartman: Yeah, all one of them.
---------- Police Station ---------- "4:92 PM POLICE STATION PROUDLY STOPPING .0023 CRIMES PER WEEK" Stan: And that's what I saw! Plus, that same thing killed Kenny and a few kids from school! Barbrady: Well, I don't know anything about detatching fetuses, but I do know one person that does... Stan: Who? Barbrady: It's certain doctor. He was going to be a heart surgeon, but he was caught smoking marijuana and posting horribly messages to some newsgroups, and he was kicked out of college. Kyle: Dude, what an idiot! Stan: Yeah, I know. Anyway, one day while leafing thru his 'Hardcore all the Way' magazine, he saw an article about dead fetuses. We must go seem him! Stan: He won't, like molest us, will he? Barbrady: Don't worry! I won't let him. You know how complement I am. Stan: You mean competant? Barbrady: Whatever! To the police-mobile
-------- The South Park Slums ---------- "5:37 PM DA GHETTO OF SOUTH PARK" Barbrady: OK, here's his *ahem* apartment. (Shot of a cardboard box) Stan: We can't fit in there. Barbrady: It's roomier than it looks! (They get out of the car and approach the box) Voice: halt hoo goez there? Barbrady: Quiet, doctor! It's your friendly neighborhood cop! Voice: I did n tuch those kidz, you no! Barbrady: That's not why we're here! We need to know about dead fetuses that detatch from their 'others' and go on killing sprees. Voice: Wel, dat iz my feeld of choize. (A bum emerges from the box, with a very long beard) Barbrady: Okay, kids. This is Doctor Wonmug. 3 Scamps: Uh, hi, doctor. Doc. Wonmug: I hear of big bad person he see four kidz and he keel Kimmy and they go oh no and attacks from behind. Cartman: Dude, seriously, you need to work on your grammar. Doc. Wonmug: and he find fat one and say 'I hornee on fat ass cause he have big but hole.' Barbrady: Shut the hell up and tell us about dead fetuses that detach from their others and go on killing sprees. Doc. Wonmug: Were you kids aftr dark? Do you leeve windowz or dors unloct? Barbrady: Doctor! Doc. Wonmug: OK. I am just making fun of all of those bums out there that molest children and smoke MJ and watch Terrance and Phillip, you know? Stan: Dude, how long did it take you to think to talk with proper grammar? That sounds like what maybe a second grader would grunt. Doc. Wonmug: OK. Ded feet us, it like to kil and eat kidz cause it feels sperated from uther, it no like other, it find new uther, but it like to molest- (Suddenly, a familiar creature appears. He rips of Doc. Wonmug's ghead, eats his arms, and generally rips the 'good' doctor to pieces. Then he takes time to sh*t down the 'poor' doctor's neck. Literally) Stan: Whatever! I'll see you in hell, Doctor Wonmug! (The creature gets up and climbs a wall.) Barbrady: Well, kids, we'd better get Nurse Gollum in prison before that fetus thing can do any more harm.
(Commercial 2. It's called sarcasm and getting even, kids.)
---------- Nurse Gollum's House ---------- "6:-02 PM NURSE GOLLUM'S HOUSE" (Barbrady's car pulls up, all four get out and approach the nurse's house. Barbrady knocks on the door. The door opens, and we see...
Kenny?!) Cartman: Dude! What're you doing here, Kenny? I thought you were dead! Nurse: He wasn't, but when I found him he was almost dead. Cartman: Really, Kenny? Kenny: Mm-hmm. (that's an affirmative) Stan: You! Your dead fetus! It's back! You said you had it removed! Nurse: Well, I wasn't telling the whole truth. Come inside and I'll tell you more. Barbrady: It's okay, kids. I'll have my gun with me. (They enter the house. Barbrady sits in a chair, and the four scamps sit in another). Nurse: Okay, here's what happens. Every four years, my fetus comes alive and goes around- Barbrady: Brutally murdering everybody in sight!! Nurse: No, he mows yards and gives all of his profits to charity. Stan: If he hasn't been killing everybody, then who has? Mr. Garrison: I believe I can answer that! Stan: Ahhhh! Cartman: Where the f[beep] did you come from? Mr. Garrison: I came in the front door. You left it open. Barbrady: All right! Now who killed the poor children, and almost killed poor, defenseless Kenny? Kenny (pissed): Shut the f*ck up or I'll kill you. Mr. Garrison: It's not Nurse Gollum's fetus. Cartman: Well, I don't know of any other short, fast, mean killers, do you?! Mr. Garrison: It's Mr. Hat. (Dramatic Music) Stan: Mr. Hat? Who the hell is that? Kyle: Remember. He was Mr. Garrison's... friend before Mr. Twig. Mr. Twig: And Mr. Hat sucks! Mr. Garrison: Mr. Twig! Be nice! (Mr. Hat busts down the door) Mr. Hat (sounding like Mr. Garrison, but Garrison doesn't move his lips): I have all of you freaks where I want you! Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat! You've been a very bad puppet! Mr. Twig: Yeah! Mr. Hat: So Garrison, you've replaced me, ay? (Mr. Twig jumps off of Mr. Garrison's arm.) Mr. Twig: You're going down, Mr. Hat! Mr. Hat: I'll take you out any day! (Mr. Hat decks Mr. Twig, and sends him smashing against a wall) Cartman: Sweet! (Mr. Twig picks up the sofa and hits Mr. Twig) Mr. Hat: Bah! Do you think a simple sofa will stop me? Mr. Twig: At least I'm not gay! Mr. Hat: C'mere, you homophobe! (Mr. Twig hits Mr. Hat's hat off. It punches a hole in the wall) Mr. Hat: My hat! How dare you, blaggard! (Mr. Hat snaps off one of Mr. Twig's limbs, which knocks out an entire wall. The house starts creaking) Cartman: Sir, the structural integrity of the hull cannot withstand another direct hit! Stan: What the hell does that mean?! Mr. Garrison: We have to get out of here. (Another blow is heard, but not seen, and the house begins to shake some more. The seven people leave, with Kenny in the back) (Suddenly, the house collapses) Stan: Kenny, look out! (A chunk of wall hits Kenny) Kenny: Ow! Sh*t! (A bigger chunk hits Kenny) Kenny: Mother f*cker! (A large chunk hits Kenny) Kenny: Ahh! F*cking son of a f*cking bitch! (The upstairs bathtub falls on Kenny. Blood flows from underneath it) Stan: Oh my god! They killed Kenny! Kyle: You bastards! (Shot of the six people, looking at the wreak of Nurse Gollum's House). Mr. Garrison: I wonder if we'll ever see either of those two again. Stan: I dunno. Maybe you should stop wearing puppets. They always seem to die. MR. Garison: Well, Stanley, maybe I sh- (A twig parts the debris, and out walks Mr. Twig) Mr. Garrison: Mr. Twig's all right! (Cue that music) Kyle: You know, I've learned something today. Stan: Yeah? Kyle: I've learned that Doctor Wonmug totally sucks ass. Stan: I've learned something, too. Cartman: What? Stan: Never get in a fight with a stick, because you'll lose. Barbrady: Well, that's the last we'll be seeing of Mr. Hat! Everybody: Yeah. (They walk away) (Zoom in in steps on the pile of debris. Cue scary music. Mr. Hat's hand reaches out of the debris. Fade to black, and the credits with scary music)
Now give me comments, criticism, and death threats.