Sorry it's taken so long to get my newest fan fic up. I know I told you all I would have it ready in a few days and that was about a month ago. Just been one of those months where it seems like the gods and the cosmos are alligning against me. Anyway, sorry again and enjoy the new one!
Mr. Dead
"Mr. Dead: Making the world safe for those who aren't living!"
It's Not Football Without John Madden By Chris Anderson
[Warnings, song, and titles.]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
MR. GARRISON: Now, class, before we leave for Christmas break, I've got something important to tell you.
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison's classroom. It's all decorated for Christmas. The kids are in a general state of chaos.]
MR. GARRISON: Settle down class.
[The chaos continues.]
MR. HAT: Sit down right now, you little f*ckers, or I will destroy you with the unholy power that resides within my mighty hat!!
[The kids sit down.]
MR. GARRISON: Now, class, Christmas is a very important time of year. Does anyone know why?
[Cartman raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Eric?
CARTMAN: Christmas is an important tahm of the year 'cause we get ham.
MR. GARRISON: Uh, no, that's not it.
[Stan raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Stanley?
STAN: Christmas is an important time of the year because it is when people put aside their differences and come together to celebrate the miracle of the birth of Jesus Christ.
MR. GARRISON: Wow. That was a good answer! What do you say, Mr. Hat?
MR. HAT: I say he's wrong, Mr. Garrison. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong! He is a retard and should be hung upside down from the tether ball and beaten with many large sticks until his eyes fall out of his head and his body wastes away from lack of food!
MR. GARRISON: I guess Mr. Hat didn't like your answer, Stanley.
[Cartman raises his hand again.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Eric, what is it now?
CARTMAN: Ah know now! Christmas is an important tahm of the year 'cause we can only get Christmas pah at Christmas tahm.
MR. GARRISON: Eric, this question may be a little over your head, so just shut up, OK?
CARTMAN: Goddammit!
[Kyle raises his hand.]
KYLE: Mr. Garrison, I have a question.
MR. GARRISON: What is it, Kyle?
KYLE: Why do we get a Christmas break and not a Hanukkah break?
CARTMAN: Because no one cares about your little sissy foo-foo Jew holiday.
KYLE: F*ck you, butt-f*cker!
MR. GARRISON: I'm afraid Eric has a point there, Kyle...
KYLE: That's bullsh*t! I'm not going to stand for this oppression any more!
MR. GARRISON: Well, will you shut up if I let you leave school right now as a Hanukkah break?
KYLE: Yes.
MR. GARRISON: Fine. Kyle, you can go home. The rest of you, stay where you are.
[The class, except Kyle, groans.]
KYLE: Sweet!
[Kyle gets up from his desk and walks out.]
MR. GARRISON: Now, does anyone know the answer to my question?
[Kenny raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Kenny?
KENNY: Mnnmmmm nmnm nmmmmn nnm mmnmmn nnmnm nmnmnm nnnnmmmnm nmnmn nmnmnmn nmnmnnmmn nmn mnmnmnn mnnnmnnmmn nmnm nmnmnmnn mnnmn nmnmnnm nnmnm nmnnmn, nmnmnmn nmnmmmn nmmmnmmm mmmn mnmnm mnmnmnmn: mnmnmnmnnmn mnmnmn nmnmn mnmn nmnmnm.
MR. GARRISON: That's right, Kenny. And now, before you leave, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to break the law and tell you the story of Christmas.
MR. HAT: That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christmas was founded in the year 1962 when James Brown conquered the Indian Ocean which was later renamed the Native American Ocean. After that, New England sank into the sea because Bob Dylan pissed off the army corps of garbage men...
[Mr. Hat continues droning on the background. The screen fades to black then back to the scene with the caption "Five Minutes Later..."]
MR. HAT: ...And that is why Christmas time is such an important time of the year.
MR. GARRISON: OK, thank you, Mr. Hat. Are there any questions?
CARTMAN: Mr. Garrison, Ah have a question!
MR. GARRISON: Then save it for after Christmas break, fatty. I'm outta here!
[Mr. Garrison runs out the door.]
STAN: So, I...uh...I guess we should go now?
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary. The kids are pouring out of the school. Kyle is outside, waiting for the gang.]
KYLE: Hey, guys.
STAN, CARTMAN, AND KENNY: Hey, Kyle.
STAN: What was that back there in the classroom, Dude?
KYLE: What do you mean?
STAN: Since when do you care that you don't get a Hanukkah break?
KYLE: I don't. I just didn't want to listen to that stupid f*cking puppet.
STAN: Oh.
CARTMAN: Hey, you gahs, Ah'm gonna be in the big Christmas pah eatin' competition!
STAN: So?
KYLE: Yeah, like we care that you're going to get even fatter than you already are!
CARTMAN: Ah am not fat, Goddammit! Ah nicely round like a ripe orange!
KENNY: Mnmmn mmmnm nmm nmmmnnmnm!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
CARTMAN: F*ck you, Kenny! F*ck you and the horse you ate for dinner last night! We'll see who's laughin' when Ah win first prahze in the pah eatin' contest!
STAN: What's first prize?
CARTMAN: The winner gets to make an appearance on Terrance and Phillip!
STAN AND KYLE: Sweet!
KYLE: That's it! We've got to get you in training, Cartman!
CARTMAN: What the Hell are you talkin' about? Ah ain't gonna go running around all over town and have some guy like Stan's grampa with a stockin' cap on his head yellin' at me sayin' "Get up, you son-of-a-bitch" and makin' me go and beat up some dead cows in a f*ckin' meat locker!
KYLE: No, you retard! We're going to train you to eat as much pie as you possibly can in the least amount of time.
CARTMAN: What the Hell is that supposta mean!?
STAN: It means that you get to eat a lot of pie, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Oh! Well, that sounds pretty sweet.
KYLE: OK. We'll meet at Cartman's house tonight at 6.
STAN: Right. Everyone bring pies. Cartman, you get your mom to make you a bunch, too.
CARTMAN: What kind?
STAN: Who cares!?
CARTMAN: So, Ah can have her make some chocolate lamb roast marshmallow au gratin pah?
[Ext. view, the Sports Network tower.]
EXECUTIVE: Mr. Madden, please be reasonable.
[Int. view, executive's office. The executive is sitting at a desk with a chair facing him. John Madden is sitting in the chair. He's about as wide as six Cartmans.]
JOHN MADDEN: Sorry, Jimmy, I've made up my mind. I must go to South Park. Boom!
EXECUTIVE: But football season isn't even over yet. You can't just up and leave for some stupid pie eating contest! I mean, what will we do while you're away?
JOHN MADDEN: Bang! That isn't my concern, Art. But, I'll tell you what to do. Boom!
[Madden gets out a picture of he and Pat Summerall doing their commentary and a pen. He starts drawing some incredibly complex and indecipherable plans on it.]
EXECUTIVE: So, there's nothing we can do to change your mind?
JOHN MADDEN: Pow! Don't think so, Karen. I've got to win that contest. It's what I was born to do.
[Ext. view, Cartman's house.]
[Int. view, Cartman's dining room. There is a huge spread of pies all over the table. Cartman is sitting at the table, looking anxious.]
CARTMAN: Ma, can Ah eat the pahs now?
[Mrs. Cartman enters carrying eight more pies.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Now, Eric, those pies are for when your little friends get here.
CARTMAN: (Whining.) But Ah wanna eat 'em now!
MRS. CARTMAN: But, Eric...
[Cartman goes into incoherent whining.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh, all right, Hon.
[Mrs. Cartman goes back to the kitchen.]
CARTMAN: Sweet!
[Cartman starts stuffing his face with whole pies.]
[Ext. view, Cartman's house. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are walking up the sidewalk. They're each carrying 5 pies.]
KYLE: Dude! I can't believe that if we can get Cartman to win, we'll be on Terrance and Phillip!
STAN: Yeah! I don't think it'll be too hard getting Cartman to eat all these pies, though. What kind did you guys bring?
KYLE: My mom got me all these different kinds of pies from different cultures.
STAN: Why?
KYLE: She said that Cartman would need to be able to eat some really weird and potentially fatal pies if he wanted to win this contest.
STAN: Like what kind of pies?
KYLE: Mostly stuff from England. They put brains and kidney in their pie.
STAN: Oh.
KYLE: What do you have, Stan?
STAN: I've just got some basic pies like apple and cherry. What do you have Kenny?
KENNY: Mnmmmnm nmmm nmnmmm mmmnnm nmnm, nmnmn nnmnm nm mnmn, mnmn, mnmnmnm, nmnmm, mnmnmn, mnmn mnmnmnmn.
STAN: That's sick, Dude!
KYLE: I guess you have to use what you have.
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny reach the door. Stan rings the doorbell. Mrs. Cartman answers the door.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh, hello, boys!
STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY: Hi.
STAN: Is Cartman here? We're helping train him so he can win the pie eating contest.
MRS. CARTMAN: Yes, he is, boys. Come on in.
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny go into Cartman's house.]
[Int. view, Cartman's dining room. Cartman is still stuffing his face with whole pies. The table is about half full with pies now. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny enter.]
CARTMAN: (Around mouthfuls of pie.) Oh! Hey, you gahs! *BURP!* What kinda pah did you bring?
STAN: Cartman, when did you start eating?
CARTMAN: (Around mouthfuls of pie.) Uh...about five minutes ago.
KYLE: Holy sh*t!
KENNY: Mnmmm nmm nmmmn mnmnmm mnmnmnm nmnmn!
STAN: Christ, Cartman! You just started five minutes ago? How many pies were there to start with?
CARTMAN: Ay! Listen: Just because Ah have eaten half the pahs on this table...
KYLE: Half!?
CARTMAN: If you think you can eat pahs any faster, Ah'd like to see you trah it, you bastard! Now gimme them pahs!
[Cartman grabs the pies away from Stan, Kyle, and Kenny and eats them in quick succession.]
STAN: Kyle, Kenny, I think we need to talk.
KYLE: Right.
KENNY: Mnmm.
STAN: Um, Cartman? We're going to have a meeting real quick here...uh...you just keep eating or something.
CARTMAN: Whatever! Just as long as Ah can keep eating pah!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny all huddle together in a corner. We can see Cartman over their shoulders, still eating pies whole.]
STAN: Dude! This is sweet!
KYLE: Yeah! At this rate, no one will be able to beat Cartman! We're sure to win that contest!
KENNY: Mnmm nmnm nmnn mmmnnnmn mnmnm nnmmmn!
STAN: What!?
[Kenny starts laughing.]
[Ext. view, Cartman's house. A limo is driving down the street.]
JOHN MADDEN: (From inside the limo.) Boom! That's the house! Stop the car!
[The limo stops in front of Cartman's house. John Madden gets out of the limo and walks up to the front door. He has a pie in one hand and a knife and a note in the other hand. He puts the note on the knife, stabs the pie onto the front door, rings the doorbell, runs back to the limo, and gets in.]
JOHN MADDEN: (From inside the limo.) Pow! Let's go!
[The limo screeches off down the street, doing a wheelie. Mrs. Cartman comes and answers the front door.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Yes?
[Mrs. Cartman sees the pie stuck to the front door by the knife.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh, what's this?
[She takes the knife out of the pie and goes inside.]
[Int. view, Cartman's dining room. Cartman is almost out of pies.]
STAN: Uh, Cartman, I think you might want to slow down a little there.
CARTMAN: (Around mouthfuls of pie.) And just whah the Hell would Ah want to do that!?
STAN: Because you could choke and die!
KYLE: So?
STAN: No, Dude! If Cartman dies, then we'll never get to be on Terrance and Phillip!
KYLE: Oh, yeah. Cartman, slow your fat ass down, Goddammit! I want to be on Terrance and Phillip!
CARTMAN: (Around mouthfuls of pie.) Now listen: Ah will eat as fast as Ah want! Ah am the one who's doin' this contest and...and...
[Cartman looks at the table. It's empty.]
CARTMAN: What the Hell is this happy horsesh*t!? Where are all mah pahs, Goddammit!?
KYLE: Cartman, you ate all the pies already!
CARTMAN: No! Nooooo! There must be more hya!
[Cartman jumps out of his chair and starts looking underneath the table. Mrs. Cartman enters, carrying the pie and note from John Madden.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Eric, I found this note and pie on the front door for you.
[Cartman nearly knocks the table over getting out from underneath it. He grabs the pie and note from Mrs. Cartman. Mrs. Cartman exits. Cartman sits back down at the table, throws the note on the floor, and starts eating the pie. Kyle picks up the note and reads it.]
KYLE: Uh...Cartman?
CARTMAN: (Around mouthfuls of pie.) What, Goddammit!? Can't your hippie Jew eyes see that Ah am trahing to eat hya!?
KYLE: Yeah, about that, I don't think you should eat anymore of that pie.
CARTMAN: (Around mouthfuls of pie.) And whah the Hell not!?
KYLE: Dude! You didn't even look at this note!
CARTMAN: (Around mouthfuls of pie.) So!?
KYLE: (Reading.) "Dear Eric Cartman, Don't take this personally, but you are the only person who can stand in my way of winning the pie eating contest. This pie will put you in the hospital until well after the contest. No hard feelings, John Madden."
STAN: That son-of-a-bitch! He can't stop us from being on Terrance and Phillip!
KYLE: Well, what can we do?
STAN: I don't know. Maybe he was just bluffing about that pie?
[Kenny starts motioning frantically.]
KENNY: Mnnmmmnmn mnmnnm!
STAN: Not now, Kenny.
KENNY: Mnmm nnmmm mnmnmm nmnmmmnmmn, Mmmmnmnnn!
KYLE: What!?
[The camera pans over to show that Cartman has passed out on the floor.]
STAN: Well, sh*t.
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Hell's Pass Hospital. There is a man on crutches with a broken arm and a bandaged head is ambling up to the hospital. Suddenly, an ambulance rushes into the scene and runs him over. The back opens up and two paramedics get Cartman, on a stretcher out of the back. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Mrs. Cartman get out, too.]
KYLE: Dammit! Cartman better not die or I'll kill his fat ass again!
STAN: Settle down, Dude. Cartman's going to be OK. And if he's not, we'll get that crazy genetical engineer guy to bring him back to life so we can kill him again.
[Int. view, Hell's Pass Hospital waiting room. Mrs. Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are all sitting down. The kids are looking at magazines.]
STAN: Dude! What's with all these magazines?
KYLE: Yeah, none of them are any later than 1987! We weren't even born yet then!
[The doctor comes out into the waiting room.]
DOCTOR: Mrs. Cartman?
[Mrs. Cartman stands up.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Yes, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Mrs. Cartman, your son is going to be all right.
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh, thank Heavens!
DOCTOR: But I'm afraid he will have to remain here for a few days.
STAN: Why?
DOCTOR: Well, son, your friend has what we call a blockage in his urethra caused by an incredibly high amount of minerals in a pie that he ate.
KYLE: What's that mean?
DOCTOR: It means he has a kidney stone the size of a golf ball in his willie and he can't piss until it's out.
[Kenny starts laughing.]
STAN: Weak, Dude! We'll never win that pie eating contest now!
KYLE: Can we go up and see him?
DOCTOR: Sure. Just don't talk to any of the old people on that floor.
STAN: Why not?
DOCTOR: Standard hospital procedure. We just bring them horrible food and medicine and act like we're listening to them.
KYLE: What about Cartman?
DOCTOR: Well, you can talk to him, but we do the same thing with him because he's such a lard loaf.
[Int. view, Hell's Pass Hospital hallway. The kids and Mrs. Cartman are walking down the hall. There are various old people in wheelchairs, on walkers, etc.]
STAN: Damn, this is creepy.
KYLE: I know, Dude. I think some of the people are dead!
OLD MAN: I'm not dead!
STAN: What's that?
KYLE: He says he's not dead.
[An orderly comes down the hall and overhears the boys.]
ORDERLY: Not dead yet? Well, we'll take care of that. You folks just run along now.
[The kids and Mrs. Cartman continue down the hall. We can hear the sounds of a horrific beating off screen.]
MRS. CARTMAN: I wonder where Eric's room is?
[The camera pans down the hall. There is one door that is wide open with assorted food wrappers, boxes, cans, etc., spilling out into the hallway.]
[Int. view, Cartman's hospital room. Cartman is lying in bed in a hospital gown but still wearing his hat and gloves. Mrs. Cartman and the boys enter.]
MRS. CARTMAN: How's Mommy's little angel?
CARTMAN: Dude! Weak, Mom!
MRS. CARTMAN: The doctor says you're going to be just fine, Eric.
CARTMAN: Oh, well, that's pretty sweet, Ah guess.
[Cartman pushes the "call nurse" button on his bed.]
NURSE: (Over speaker.) Yes, Mr. Cartman?
CARTMAN: Get me more food! Ah'm still hungry, woman!
NURSE: (Over speaker.) Right away, Mr. Cartman.
CARTMAN: Sweet.
NURSE: (Over speaker.) Ya miserable bag of lard.
ORDERLY: (Over speaker.) I think you might want to turn of the speaker now, Janet.
NURSE: (Over speaker.) What!? Oh, motherfu...
[The speaker clicks off.]
CARTMAN: Man, Ah'd hate to be that gah they're talkin' about. So, when can Ah start trainin' again for the pah eatin' contest?
STAN: Yeah. About that, Cartman. Um...
[A orderly comes in with a tray for Cartman.]
ORDERLY: Here's your food, Mr. Cartman.
[He sets the tray down on Cartman's tray table and uncovers it. There are some horrid grey and brown lumps, which are moving, on the tray. There's also some red Jell-O.]
STAN: What the Hell is that!?
ORDERLY: It's a hamburger, of course.
KYLE: Since when are hamburgers grey!?
ORDERLY: Listen, kid, I don't name the stuff, OK?
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh, thank you for bringing my boy his food so quickly.
ORDERLY: It's all part of my job. Say, I've got a break right about now. Care to join me?
[The orderly winks at Mrs. Cartman.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh, certainly! I simply must find some way to repay you!
ORDERLY: I think that can be arranged...
[The orderly and Mrs. Cartman leave the room. Cartman starts chowing down.]
CARTMAN: So, you gahs, when are we gonna start trainin' me again? Ah have got win that contest.
STAN: I don't think we'll be training any more, Cartman.
CARTMAN: You mean Ah'm ready!? Kick ass!
[Cartman jump out of bed and starts dancing around the room.]
STAN: Um, Cartman?
[Cartman is still dancing.]
STAN: Cartman?
[Cartman is still dancing.]
STAN: Goddammit, Cartman! Stop dancing already!
[Cartman stops dancing.]
CARTMAN: What!? Ah was in the middle of mah victory dance and you go and...
STAN: Cartman, there's a problem with the contest.
[Cartman runs up and picks up Stan by his collar.]
CARTMAN: What problem?
STAN: Well...it's like this, Cartman: you've...um...you've got a...uh...
CARTMAN: What, Goddammit!? What!?
KYLE: That doctor guy says you've got a thing the size of a golf ball in your penis!
[Cartman's eyes go wide and his mouth drops open.]
CARTMAN: What!?
KYLE: Yeah! He says you can't piss until it gets out!
CARTMAN: And just how the f*ck is it supposed ta get out, Anthony f*ckin' Edwards!?
KENNY: Mnmmm mnmm nmmnn mnnnmm nmnnm.
CARTMAN: No! Noooooo!
[Cartman runs in to the bathroom. As he is running in there, we can see that his ass is hanging out of this hospital gown.]
STAN: Aw, Christ, Cartman! Why don't you put on some underwear!?
CARTMAN: (Off screen, in the bathroom.) Screw you, hippie!
[Ext. view, Chef's house.]
[Int. view, Chef's living room. Chef is sitting in a chair, watching TV. A football game is on.]
PAT SUMMERALL: (On TV.) ...And ran over the defense for his sick mother. Isn't that a touching story, Arnold?
[Cut to a view of the TV screen. The TV camera pans back to show that Pat Summerall is sitting in a booth with Arnold Schwartzenegger.]
ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER: (On TV.) I am Ahnuld.
PAT SUMMERALL: (On TV.) You said it, Arnold. For those of you who may not know, my usual colleague, John Madden, is on leave for an important contest he's involved in. Arnold, why don't you tell them about it?
ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER: (On TV.) Ya, I am Ahnuld. I could crush your pathetic bodies with my eyebrows. I am Ahnuld.
PAT SUMMERALL: (On TV.) Well put, Arnold, well put.
[Cut back to Chef.]
CHEF: What the Hell is this bullcrap!?
[Chef changes the channel. We can hear the theme from "Sanford and Son."]
CHEF: At least I won't have to hear that idiot Schwartzenegger here.
ANNOUNCER: (On TV.) We'll be right back with more "Sanford and Son!" But, first, this word from the President's Council on Physical Fitness...
ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER: (On TV.) I am Ahnuld. Dere are many flabby, weak children in the world. I hate ohll of them. I am Ahnuld.
CHEF: Well, I hate to do this but if it was good enough for the King, it's good enough for me.
[Chef pulls a gun from behind his chair and blows the TV away.]
CHEF: Now, that's better already.
[Ext. view, South Park Motor Lodge. It's a really rundown looking dump, even worse than Kenny's house. There are cars on blocks outside of it, flaming garbage cans, etc. John Madden's limo is parked outside.]
[Int. view, John Madden's room. Madden is gorging himself on pies that are roughly a third of his size, or the size of two Cartmans, and watching TV. Pat Summerall and Arnold Schwartzenegger are on.]
PAT SUMMERALL: (On TV.) Say, Arnold, do you know why they called William "The Refrigerator" Perry "The Refrigerator?"
ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER: (On TV.) I am Ahnuld. I don't know, Pat. Why did dey call William "The Refrigerator" Perry "The Refrigerator?"
PAT SUMMERALL: (On TV.) Because he kept all his beans in himself!
[Pat Summerall farts. He and Arnold Schwartzenegger both start laughing.]
JOHN MADDEN: (Sighing.) Boom! That Arnold Schwartzenegger might end up taking over my job. Pow! I'd better get back to training so I can just go on the pie eating circuit. Bang!
[Madden begins stuffing his face again.]
[Int. view, Cartman's hospital room. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are standing outside the bathroom door.]
KYLE: Cartman! Come on out! You're never going to get it out that way!
CARTMAN: (Somewhat muffled.) Ay! You ain't the one with the golf ball in his fireman! Now shut up so Ah can concentrate on pissin' this son-of-a-bitch out, Goddammit!
[We can hear Cartman straining in the bathroom. There's lots of his whining sounds coming out of there. Finally, Cartman screams and we hear a dull thud. Stan knocks on the door.]
STAN: Cartman? Cartman, are you all right?
[No response.]
STAN: Dude, you think we should go in there?
KYLE: I guess so.
STAN: But what if he fell down so that his dress-thingy is wide open, you know, in the front?
KENNY: Mnnmmm nm nmmmmn mnmm mnmnn.
KYLE: Sick, dude!
[Kenny laughs.]
STAN: OK. I'm going in.
[Stan opens the door to the bathroom. Cartman is passed out on the floor.]
STAN: Dammit! Kyle, help me get fat ass back in bed.
[Cartman's eyes open slowly.]
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) Ay. I'll kick you...squa'...in the nuts, hippie.
STAN: OK, Kyle, you get his legs, I'll get his arms.
[Kyle grabs Cartman's feet.]
STAN: Ready?
KYLE: Ready.
[Cartman farts.]
KYLE: Goddammit, Cartman!
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) Heh heh. Screw you gahs.
STAN: Jesus, Cartman! What have you been eating!?
KENNY: Mnmmmnm mmnmn mnmnm mnnmm mnnmmm nmmnmmm nmmn.
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
STAN: Yeah!
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) F*ck you...you poor...son-of-a-bitch.
STAN: OK, on three, Kyle. 1...2...3!
[Stan and Kyle strain to lift Cartman. They finally do and slowly carry him back to his bed. Kenny stays behind in the bathroom. He takes a huge wad of the toilet paper, still on the roll, starts unrolling it, puts it in the toilet, and flushes it. Kenny starts laughing. As the wad on the floor gets smaller, we see that some of the toilet paper has wrapped around Kenny's lower body. Kenny looks down and realizes what he's done just as he gets pulled into the toilet.]
KENNY: MMMNNMNMN MNMNMN MNMNM!!!!
[Kenny's entire body goes down the drain with a very powerful sounding flush. However, when his head hits the drain, he stops. Kenny starts laughing again. Suddenly, his head flies off and hits the ceiling, his body being sucked down the drain completely. Blood shoots out of the toilet up onto the ceiling. The toilet burps. Kenny's head rolls into Cartman's room.]
STAN: Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
CARTMAN: You gahs, Ah hafta win that contest, seriously!
STAN: Christ, Cartman! Your f*cking toilet just killed Kenny and you're thinking about that stupid contest!?
KYLE: Dude, remember? If Cartman wins, we'll be on Terrance and Phillip.
STAN: Oh, yeah. Well, what are we going to do now?
KYLE: Why don't we ask that doctor if they can do something for Cartman?
[Stan and Kyle exit. The rats run into the room and start eating Kenny's head.]
[Ext. view, South Park Motor Lodge. John Madden's limo is still out front, on blocks now.]
[Int. view, John Madden's room. Madden is eating pies that are about his size and watching football on TV. Shot of the TV screen.]
PAT SUMMERALL: (On TV.) ...Brings up 3rd and Goal for the Chiefs. Arnold, the Kansas City Chiefs haven't really seemed like themselves this year. Any thoughts on that?
ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER: (On TV.) I am Ahnuld. I would take their pathetic girlie bodies and smash dem with my very large fist until dey ohll turn to jelly! I am Ahnuld.
PAT SUMMERALL: (On TV.) Ha ha. And he really could do it, folks. I personally saw Arnold kill somewhere in the neighborhood of 10-15 midgets yesterday at lunchtime.
JOHN MADDEN: (Yelling.) Boom! Are you about done in there?
[Sally Struthers comes out of the bathroom.]
SALLY STRUTHERS: (Whining.) Oh, why is there so much hunger in the world? Why do so many innocent children have to starve every day?
JOHN MADDEN: Yeah, whatever. Bang!
[Madden hands Sally Struthers some money.]
JOHN MADDEN: Pow! Here's your money, now get out.
SALLY STRUTHERS: (Whining.) Not until I get some pie!
JOHN MADDEN: Wham! No, Sally Struthers! It's my pie!
SALLY STRUTHERS: (Whining.) No! It's mine!
JOHN MADDEN: Zap! No, Sally Struthers! It's my pie, Goddammit! Now get your bitch ass outta here! Boom!
[Sally Struthers pulls a switchblade on Madden.]
SALLY STRUTHERS: (Whining.) Give me some pie or I'll cut ya!
[Ext. view, Hell's Pass Hospital.]
KYLE: ...And that's why we need for Cartman to get that thing out of his penis.
[Int. view, the doctor's office. The doctor is sitting at a desk with Stan and Kyle facing him. He has Scuzzlebutt's skeleton hanging in his office, complete with the enormous hole Stan shot in his head, a piece of petrified celery where the right hand should be, and Patrick Duffy's tiny skeleton instead of his left leg.]
DOCTOR: I see. You know boys, when I was your age I always wanted to be on television. But I never got the chance. You boys have that chance and I don't want to see another generation lose out on the joys of being horribly overexposed to the world and exploited. So, I'm going to help you.
STAN: Really?
DOCTOR: Yes. But this won't be painless for your friend. In fact, it will probably hurt like a bitch.
KYLE: Will he be able to be in the contest, though?
DOCTOR: Oh, Hell, yeah! No problem!
STAN: Kyle, I don't know if this is right. I mean, does Cartman really have to go through all this pain just so we can be on Terrance and Phillip? Will he even have any anesthetic?
DOCTOR: Well, we could use a local, but, believe me, it's gonna hurt like a bitch, too. Your friend will be just as well off without it.
KYLE: Besides, Dude, it's Cartman we're talking about.
STAN: Yeah! I guess you're right, Kyle.
DOCTOR: All right, then! I'll go get the O.R. prepped!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Int. view, Hell's Pass Hospital hallway. Cartman is laying on a gurney and being pushed down the hall to the operating room by an orderly. Stan and Kyle are walking along side the gurney.]
CARTMAN: So, you gahs, this isn't gonna hurt or nothin', right?
KYLE: Sure, Cartman.
STAN: You won't feel a thing, Dude.
CARTMAN: Sweet.
[The orderly starts wheeling Cartman into the operating room.]
ORDERLY: I'm afraid this is as far as you boys can go, but, you can watch up in the theater.
[Stan and Kyle look at each other.]
STAN: Uh...that's OK. We'll just wait for him in the waiting room.
KYLE: Yeah. See you when you get out, Cartman!
[The orderly wheels Cartman through the doors.]
STAN: Dude! There is no way I could watch what they're going to do to him!
KYLE: I know! If he thought Ike's bris was bad...
[Int. view, the operating room. The orderly takes Cartman to the middle of the room, straps him down to the gurney, turns the gurney so that Cartman is upright, and leaves.]
CARTMAN: What the f*ck is goin' on hya!?
[The doctor and a nurse enter.]
DOCTOR: Well, I see we're almost ready, Eric. Nurse, would you put the cover in place?
NURSE: Right away, Doctor.
[The nurse puts a big sheet around Cartman's waist and ties it behind the gurney.]
DOCTOR: And I'll put the smashing table in place.
CARTMAN: Uh, excuse me, but whah is it called a "smashing table?"
[The doctor cringes.]
DOCTOR: I'd...I'd rather not go into it right now, Eric. What we're going to do now is get that golf ball sized obstruction out of your urethra.
CARTMAN: And means Ah'll be able to piss again, right?
DOCTOR: Right.
CARTMAN: Sweet.
DOCTOR: Now, I have to ask you something, Eric: Do you trust me?
CARTMAN: Ah guess so...Whah?
DOCTOR: Well, the procedure we're going to use might sting a little at first but you'll be able to be in that pie eating contest when we're finished.
CARTMAN: Kick ass!
DOCTOR: Yes, I guess it is kind of kick ass. Now, I need you to put your fireman on this table underneath the sheet.
[Cartman moves around under the sheet, doing his thing. There's a golf ball sized bulge in the sheet.]
CARTMAN: OK...and whah am Ah doin' this?
DOCTOR: It's all part of the procedure. Hmmm...Nurse, hand me the number six hammer.
CARTMAN: HAMMER!?
[Int. view, Hell's Pass Hospital waiting room. Stan and Kyle are sitting on a couch, watching TV. There is a loud smashing sound from the operating room. Stan and Kyle look towards the operating room doors.]
CARTMAN: (Off screen and muffled.) Aw, Christ f*ckin' piece of monkey sh*t f*cker asshole bastard son-of-a-bitch nostril screwin' bitch assin' Goddamn bellybutton rapin' f*cknut asswipe bag of pig barf!
[Cartman suddenly stops.]
STAN: Dude, do you think Cartman's OK?
KYLE: He better be or else we're sh*t out of luck.
[An orderly wheels Cartman, on the gurney, out of the operating room. Stan and Kyle run up to the gurney.]
STAN: Cartman, are you all right?
[The doctor comes out of the operating room.]
DOCTOR: I'm afraid he won't be able to hear you for a while, son. He passed out as soon as we used the hammer on him. The good news is that the procedure was a complete success.
KYLE: Then what was all that cursing he was doing?
DOCTOR: A reflexive response. It happens every time we use that procedure. Your friend should be awake in about an hour or so. You can see him then.
STAN: Well, what the Hell are we supposed to do for an hour here!?
DOCTOR: You could visit some of our elderly patients. They just love it when children come to visit them for no reason.
[Stan and Kyle just stare at the doctor.]
KYLE: Seriously, what the Hell are we going to do for an hour?
[Int. view, Cartman's hospital room. Cartman is still unconscious. Stan, Kyle, and Mrs. Cartman are gathered around his bed. Kenny's skull (in his hood) is still on the floor.]
KYLE: Dammit! We still have 25 minutes until Cartman is supposed to wake up! We're losing precious minutes here!
STAN: I've got an idea to wake him up.
KYLE: Really?
STAN: Yeah, just watch!
[Stan leans in close to Cartman.]
STAN: (Whispering.) Cartman? Oh, Cartman? Wake up, Cartman. We've got Cheesy Poof pudding pie for you...
[Cartman's eye open immediately. Stan backs off and Cartman sits bolt upright in his bed.]
CARTMAN: Cheesy Poof puddin' pah!? Sweet!
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh, Eric! I'm so glad you're all right, my little lovey dumpling!
[Stan and Kyle laugh.]
CARTMAN: Dude! Weak, Mom! Ay! You sons-of-bitches said that Ah wasn't gonna get hurt! That asshole doctor whacked mah fireman with a f*ckin' hammer, Goddammit!
STAN: Cartman, we had to lie to you, or else you wouldn't have gone through with the procedure!
CARTMAN: That's a bunch of pig crap! You f*ckin' bastards just wanted to see me in pain!
MRS. CARTMAN: No, Eric, they're right. I had the same problem when I was your age. If my mother hadn't lied to me, I'd still have that kidney stone in my fireman and then I wouldn't have had you, my precious.
[The doctor comes into the room, carrying a golf ball.]
DOCTOR: Mrs. Cartman, I'm afraid I have to ask you a serious question.
MRS. CARTMAN: Yes, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Is it true that you don't have insurance to pay for your son's operation?
MRS. CARTMAN: I'm afraid it is, Doctor.
DOCTOR: (Holding up the golf ball.) Then I'm going to have put this golf ball into his penis to replace the kidney stone we took out.
CARTMAN: What!?
STAN: Dude! Sorry, Cartman!
KYLE: Yeah, sorry you have to get a golf ball stuck in your penis!
MRS. CARTMAN: (Innocently.) Isn't there some other way I could pay you, Doctor?
[The doctor looks Mrs. Cartman over.]
DOCTOR: Well, I suppose there might be...Come with me, Mrs. Cartman!
[The doctor and Mrs. Cartman exit.]
STAN: Damn, Cartman!
KYLE: Dude! You should start pimping for your mom!
CARTMAN: Shut up, Kyle!
STAN: Yeah, you'd make a ton of money, Cartman!
CARTMAN: Really? You gahs think so? Hmmm...wait...no...Goddammit! Stop talkin' 'bout mah mom like that you f*ckin' asswipe hippie bitches!
KYLE: OK, seriously, we have to get you back in training, Cartman. Go get your clothes so we can get out of here.
[Cartman, with his ass still hanging out, gets out of bed and goes over to the closet. He opens it and bags of Cheesy Poofs and boxes of Snacky Cakes fall out.]
CARTMAN: Heh heh. Um...Ah had mah mom bring me a few things from home.
[Film montage of Stan and Kyle training Cartman. Music reminiscent of the "Rocky" theme plays the whole time. We see scenes of Cartman eating pie after pie after pie. Cartman turns to Stan and Kyle but we can't hear him. Stan and Kyle yell at Cartman. Cartman starts eating pie again. He takes three bites, turns around, and barfs. Stan and Kyle jump back. The film montage ends with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman in a meat locker.]
[Int. view, meat locker. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are all there.]
CARTMAN: You gahs, what the Hell does this hafta to do with mah trainin'!? Ah'm freezin' mah nuts off in hya!
STAN: OK, Cartman. This is the last part of your training.
CARTMAN: What the f*ck am Ah supposed to do with this sh*t!?
KYLE: We want you to punch these dead cows to build up your strength so you can pick up pies faster.
CARTMAN: Ah don' know about this, you gahs. It sounds a lot like work to me.
STAN: It is work, Cartman, and you're going to do it, or else.
CARTMAN: Or else what?
KYLE: Or else each time you start to act like you're tired or stop, we'll drop a cow on you.
[Kyle climbs a scaffold to a catwalk above the cow carcasses. There are switches on the catwalk to drop the cows.]
STAN: Ready, Cartman?
CARTMAN: No.
STAN: (Ignoring Cartman.) Good. Get to it!
CARTMAN: But, you gahs, I seriously don' wanna do this, dammit!
[Stan nods to Kyle. Kyle nods back to Stan. Kyle throws one of the switches on the catwalk. Cartman looks up just in time to see the cow released.]
CARTMAN: You damn, dirty motherfu...
[The cow lands on Cartman.]
STAN: Ready to try it again, Cartman?
[Cartman crawls halfway out from underneath the cow.]
CARTMAN: Kill...you gahs...seriously.
[Ext. view, South Park Auditorium Park. There is a crowd gathering in front of the stage area. Up on the stage, there is a long table set up and a banner hanging above that reads: "Pie Eating Contest!".]
[Int. view, back stage. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are talking strategy. Cartman is wearing a sequin covered cape.]
STAN: OK, you got that, Cartman?
CARTMAN: Yeah, yeah. Ah know what to do.
KYLE: Cartman?
CARTMAN: What, Kyle?
KYLE: Why the Hell are you wearing that gay ass cape!?
CARTMAN: Ay! Screw you, you damn hippie Jew! Ah happen to like this cape!
KYLE: Cartman, I wouldn't wipe my ass with that cape if it was the only thing like toilet paper left in the world! It looks like something you got from Stan's gay dog, Sparky, or Big Gay Al!
CARTMAN: That's it! F*ck you, bitch! Ah will kick you in the nuts!
[Cartman starts to rush Kyle. Stan steps between them and holds Cartman back.]
STAN: Whoa, Cartman! Save that energy for the contest!
CARTMAN: (Whining.) But I wanna kick his ass now, Goddammit!
STAN: Cartman, you need to calm down and focus on the pie.
[Cartman suddenly gets much calmer.]
CARTMAN: You're raht, Stan. I will, nay, I must sally forth and eat, oh, so much pah this day.
KYLE: And take off that gay cape!
CARTMAN: Eeeeeeeeeeeee!
[Cartman tries to rush Kyle again.]
[Ext. view, South Park Auditorium Park. An announcer's table has been set up at the side of the audience. There are two announcer's sitting at that table.]
ANNOUNCER #1: Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm Frank Hammond, South Park public radio AM 1480. Well, it looks like were in for one Hell of a pie eating contest today!
ANNOUNCER #2: That's right, Frank. Hi, everyone! I'm Chet McGetsum. The contestants have been training long and hard and now it's time to see if all that training has paid off.
ANNOUNCER #1: And although there can only be one official winner, I think I speak for everyone here when I say that everyone in this contest is a winner in our hearts.
ANNOUNCER #2: Uh...not really, Frank. They're really a bunch of losers.
ANNOUNCER #1: (Whispering.) Goddammit, Chet! Cover your mic when you say things like that!
ANNOUNCER #2: Oh, sh*t. I said that on the air?
ANNOUNCER: #1: Dude!
[The contestants, except for Cartman and John Madden, start walking out onto the stage and take their places at the table.]
ANNOUNCER #1: It looks like we're about ready to go here, Chet!
ANNOUNCER #2: That's right, Frank. But I don't seem to see this year's favorite to win the pie-eating contest, Eric Cartman, or the man who could put Cartman in his place, John Madden.
ANNOUNCER #1: Without either one of them in this contest, some of the other contestants might have a chance of winning here today and get to make that appearance on Terrance and Phillip! Let's meet our contes...
[John Madden's limo sudden jumps over the crowd and lands on stage, crushing about half the contestants. John Madden get out of the limo and takes his place at the table.]
ANNOUNCER #2: Well, it appears that John Madden has arrived, after all. Without Eric Cartman here, he may have this contest in the bag, Frank.
[Fireworks explode behind the crowd.]
ANNOUNCER #2: What the Hell is this happy horsesh*t!?
ANNOUNCER #1: Dammit, Chet!
[The crowd splits down the middle. Cartman, with his cape still on, comes walking down the middle of the crowd to the tune of "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Eat It."]
JOHN MADDEN: Bang! Damn that little tub of lard! I thought I took care of him! Boom!
[Cartman walks up on stage and takes his place at the table.]
JOHN MADDEN: Pow! Are you ready to lose, fatty? Zap!
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah don' hafta take that kinda sh* t from some Goddamn giant bucket of cow piss! You are goin' down, you f*ckin' pussy asshole!
[All the contestants get ready. They all have pie placed in front of them and a guy in a referee shirt comes out on stage with a gun. He shoots it into the air and the contest begins.]
ANNOUNCER #1: And they're off!
[Cartman and John Madden are eating pies about five times faster than anyone else. Some contestants are passing out. Others are turning around and throwing up before being dragged off stage until Cartman and John Madden are the only contestants remaining.]
ANNOUNCER #2: It looks like it's just Eric Cartman and John Madden left now, Frank!
ANNOUNCER #1: That's right, Chet! I wonder how long they can keep this up!?
[Ext. view, backstage. Stan and Kyle are looking out at the contest.]
STAN: Dude! This doesn't look too good!
KYLE: What?
STAN: Cartman is slowing down, dammit!
KYLE: What the!?
[Cartman is only eating at about a third of the rate he was before. John Madden is easily winning right now.]
KYLE: That son-of-a-bitch! If he loses...
[Ext. view, the announcer's table.]
ANNOUNCER #1: It looks as though Eric Cartman has seriously lost some steam here, Chet!
ANNOUNCER #2: That's right, Frank! Only a miracle could save Eric Cartman right now and allow him to win the contest!
[Ext. view, on stage. Cartman is visibly dizzy. He's barely eating now.]
CARTMAN: No more...pah...can't...go...on...
JOHN MADDEN: Boom! Ha ha! Looks like I win, fatty! Bang!
WOMAN'S VOICE: Not so fast, Madden!
JOHN MADDEN: Huh?
[John Madden turns around to see who is talking. It's a woman who is about as big as he is with dark hair. It's Rosie O'Donnell.]
JOHN MADDEN: Pow! R-Rosie? What are you doing here? Zap!
ROSIE O'DONNELL: You screwed me out of winning last year's celebrity pie eating contest, now I'm gonna screw you out of winning this one, you bastard!
STAN: Dude! This is pretty f*cked up right here!
KYLE: Let's grab Cartman and get out of here!
[Stan and Kyle grab Cartman and drag him off stage. Rosie O'Donnell grabs hold of John Madden and throws him into one of the supports for the stage. The whole thing falls on top of both of them, crushing them unmercifully.]
STAN: Cartman, are you all right?
CARTMAN: Did...did ah win?
[The announcers come over to the boys.]
ANNOUNCER #1: I'm afraid not, Eric.
CARTMAN: What!?
ANNOUNCER #2: You see, it says quite plainly in the rules that if there is any outside interference, the contest is held null and void and no one wins. Sorry.
CARTMAN: Not as sorry as you two assholes are gonna be! Stan, Kyle: get 'em.
[Stan and Kyle just stand there.]
CARTMAN: Ah said get 'em, dammit!
STAN: F*ck you, Cartman!
KYLE: Let's go see if Terrance and Phillip is on!
[Stan and Kyle exit.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit, you sons-of-bitches! Get your asses back hya!
[The announcers start laughing at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah'll kick your bitch asses instead!
[Cartman runs up to the announcers but he gets too queezy from all the pie he ate and throws up on their shoes.]
ANNOUNCER #1: Oh, my God! He barfed on my Italian loafers!
ANNOUNCER #2: You little bastard!
[Cartman walks off.]
CARTMAN: (Off camera.) Heh heh. You gahs suck.
[Cut to commerical.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan and Kyle are already there.]
STAN: Have you seen Cartman this morning?
KYLE: Not yet. I wonder where he is?
[Cartman walks up the bus stop carrying a brown paper bag.]
CARTMAN: Hey, gahs.
STAN AND KYLE: Hey, Cartman.
STAN: Hey, Cartman, your shoe's untied.
CARTMAN: What? Oh, thanks, Stan. Hey, Kyle, will you hold mah lunch for me while Ah tah mah shoe?
KYLE: Sure, Cartman.
[Cartman hands Kyle the paper bag. Cartman bends down to tie his shoe.]
CARTMAN: Man, Ah'll tell you somethin': Ah think if anyone says anythin' about pah, Ah am gonna be sick!
STAN: Really?
CARTMAN: Hell, yeah!
KYLE: Pie.
[Cartman stops tying his shoe. He gets a really sickly look on his face and turns greenish.]
CARTMAN: Ah'm gonna barf!
KYLE: Here, Cartman, barf in this!
[Kyle hands Cartman the paper bag. Cartman barfs into it.]
STAN: Feel better now, Cartman?
CARTMAN: Yeah, Ah guess so.
KYLE: Goddammit! Where the Hell is Miss Crabtree!?
STAN: F*ck it. Let's just walk to school.
[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman all exit.]
KYLE: (Off screen.) Hey, Cartman, what did your mom give you for lunch today?
CARTMAN: (Off screen.) Well, let's just see hya...
[There's a squishing sound from off screen as Cartman sticks his hand into the bag.]
CARTMAN: You sick bastards!
[End credits and song.]
<snip bitchin' fic> That kicked ass!!!
<kill server> <EVIL server> WHY on earth does my server always skip your 'fics, Mr. Dead/Chris??? Would it be possible for a repost? Or, is it up at the Hellhole?
Muchas gracias! :)
Repost for Kyle :-) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's Not Football Without John Madden By Chris Anderson
[Warnings, song, and titles.]
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary.]
MR. GARRISON: Now, class, before we leave for Christmas break, I've got something important to tell you.
[Int. view, Mr. Garrison's classroom. It's all decorated for Christmas. The kids are in a general state of chaos.]
MR. GARRISON: Settle down class.
[The chaos continues.]
MR. HAT: Sit down right now, you little f*ckers, or I will destroy you with the unholy power that resides within my mighty hat!!
[The kids sit down.]
MR. GARRISON: Now, class, Christmas is a very important time of year. Does anyone know why?
[Cartman raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Eric?
CARTMAN: Christmas is an important tahm of the year 'cause we get ham.
MR. GARRISON: Uh, no, that's not it.
[Stan raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Stanley?
STAN: Christmas is an important time of the year because it is when people put aside their differences and come together to celebrate the miracle of the birth of Jesus Christ.
MR. GARRISON: Wow. That was a good answer! What do you say, Mr. Hat?
MR. HAT: I say he's wrong, Mr. Garrison. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong! He is a retard and should be hung upside down from the tether ball and beaten with many large sticks until his eyes fall out of his head and his body wastes away from lack of food!
MR. GARRISON: I guess Mr. Hat didn't like your answer, Stanley.
[Cartman raises his hand again.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Eric, what is it now?
CARTMAN: Ah know now! Christmas is an important tahm of the year 'cause we can only get Christmas pah at Christmas tahm.
MR. GARRISON: Eric, this question may be a little over your head, so just shut up, OK?
CARTMAN: Goddammit!
[Kyle raises his hand.]
KYLE: Mr. Garrison, I have a question.
MR. GARRISON: What is it, Kyle?
KYLE: Why do we get a Christmas break and not a Hanukkah break?
CARTMAN: Because no one cares about your little sissy foo-foo Jew holiday.
KYLE: F*ck you, butt-f*cker!
MR. GARRISON: I'm afraid Eric has a point there, Kyle...
KYLE: That's bullsh*t! I'm not going to stand for this oppression any more!
MR. GARRISON: Well, will you shut up if I let you leave school right now as a Hanukkah break?
KYLE: Yes.
MR. GARRISON: Fine. Kyle, you can go home. The rest of you, stay where you are.
[The class, except Kyle, groans.]
KYLE: Sweet!
[Kyle gets up from his desk and walks out.]
MR. GARRISON: Now, does anyone know the answer to my question?
[Kenny raises his hand.]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Kenny?
KENNY: Mnnmmmm nmnm nmmmmn nnm mmnmmn nnmnm nmnmnm nnnnmmmnm nmnmn nmnmnmn nmnmnnmmn nmn mnmnmnn mnnnmnnmmn nmnm nmnmnmnn mnnmn nmnmnnm nnmnm nmnnmn, nmnmnmn nmnmmmn nmmmnmmm mmmn mnmnm mnmnmnmn: mnmnmnmnnmn mnmnmn nmnmn mnmn nmnmnm.
MR. GARRISON: That's right, Kenny. And now, before you leave, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to break the law and tell you the story of Christmas.
MR. HAT: That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christmas was founded in the year 1962 when James Brown conquered the Indian Ocean which was later renamed the Native American Ocean. After that, New England sank into the sea because Bob Dylan pissed off the army corps of garbage men...
[Mr. Hat continues droning on the background. The screen fades to black then back to the scene with the caption "Five Minutes Later..."]
MR. HAT: ...And that is why Christmas time is such an important time of the year.
MR. GARRISON: OK, thank you, Mr. Hat. Are there any questions?
CARTMAN: Mr. Garrison, Ah have a question!
MR. GARRISON: Then save it for after Christmas break, fatty. I'm outta here!
[Mr. Garrison runs out the door.]
STAN: So, I...uh...I guess we should go now?
[Ext. view, South Park Elementary. The kids are pouring out of the school. Kyle is outside, waiting for the gang.]
KYLE: Hey, guys.
STAN, CARTMAN, AND KENNY: Hey, Kyle.
STAN: What was that back there in the classroom, Dude?
KYLE: What do you mean?
STAN: Since when do you care that you don't get a Hanukkah break?
KYLE: I don't. I just didn't want to listen to that stupid f*cking puppet.
STAN: Oh.
CARTMAN: Hey, you gahs, Ah'm gonna be in the big Christmas pah eatin' competition!
STAN: So?
KYLE: Yeah, like we care that you're going to get even fatter than you already are!
CARTMAN: Ah am not fat, Goddammit! Ah nicely round like a ripe orange!
KENNY: Mnmmn mmmnm nmm nmmmnnmnm!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
CARTMAN: F*ck you, Kenny! F*ck you and the horse you ate for dinner last night! We'll see who's laughin' when Ah win first prahze in the pah eatin' contest!
STAN: What's first prize?
CARTMAN: The winner gets to make an appearance on Terrance and Phillip!
STAN AND KYLE: Sweet!
KYLE: That's it! We've got to get you in training, Cartman!
CARTMAN: What the Hell are you talkin' about? Ah ain't gonna go running around all over town and have some guy like Stan's grampa with a stockin' cap on his head yellin' at me sayin' "Get up, you son-of-a-bitch" and makin' me go and beat up some dead cows in a f*ckin' meat locker!
KYLE: No, you retard! We're going to train you to eat as much pie as you possibly can in the least amount of time.
CARTMAN: What the Hell is that supposta mean!?
STAN: It means that you get to eat a lot of pie, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Oh! Well, that sounds pretty sweet.
KYLE: OK. We'll meet at Cartman's house tonight at 6.
STAN: Right. Everyone bring pies. Cartman, you get your mom to make you a bunch, too.
CARTMAN: What kind?
STAN: Who cares!?
CARTMAN: So, Ah can have her make some chocolate lamb roast marshmallow au gratin pah?
[Ext. view, the Sports Network tower.]
EXECUTIVE: Mr. Madden, please be reasonable.
[Int. view, executive's office. The executive is sitting at a desk with a chair facing him. John Madden is sitting in the chair. He's about as wide as six Cartmans.]
JOHN MADDEN: Sorry, Jimmy, I've made up my mind. I must go to South Park. Boom!
EXECUTIVE: But football season isn't even over yet. You can't just up and leave for some stupid pie eating contest! I mean, what will we do while you're away?
JOHN MADDEN: Bang! That isn't my concern, Art. But, I'll tell you what to do. Boom!
[Madden gets out a picture of he and Pat Summerall doing their commentary and a pen. He starts drawing some incredibly complex and indecipherable plans on it.]
EXECUTIVE: So, there's nothing we can do to change your mind?
JOHN MADDEN: Pow! Don't think so, Karen. I've got to win that contest. It's what I was born to do.
[Ext. view, Cartman's house.]
[Int. view, Cartman's dining room. There is a huge spread of pies all over the table. Cartman is sitting at the table, looking anxious.]
CARTMAN: Ma, can Ah eat the pahs now?
[Mrs. Cartman enters carrying eight more pies.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Now, Eric, those pies are for when your little friends get here.
CARTMAN: (Whining.) But Ah wanna eat 'em now!
MRS. CARTMAN: But, Eric...
[Cartman goes into incoherent whining.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh, all right, Hon.
[Mrs. Cartman goes back to the kitchen.]
CARTMAN: Sweet!
[Cartman starts stuffing his face with whole pies.]
[Ext. view, Cartman's house. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are walking up the sidewalk. They're each carrying 5 pies.]
KYLE: Dude! I can't believe that if we can get Cartman to win, we'll be on Terrance and Phillip!
STAN: Yeah! I don't think it'll be too hard getting Cartman to eat all these pies, though. What kind did you guys bring?
KYLE: My mom got me all these different kinds of pies from different cultures.
STAN: Why?
KYLE: She said that Cartman would need to be able to eat some really weird and potentially fatal pies if he wanted to win this contest.
STAN: Like what kind of pies?
KYLE: Mostly stuff from England. They put brains and kidney in their pie.
STAN: Oh.
KYLE: What do you have, Stan?
STAN: I've just got some basic pies like apple and cherry. What do you have Kenny?
KENNY: Mnmmmnm nmmm nmnmmm mmmnnm nmnm, nmnmn nnmnm nm mnmn, mnmn, mnmnmnm, nmnmm, mnmnmn, mnmn mnmnmnmn.
STAN: That's sick, Dude!
KYLE: I guess you have to use what you have.
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny reach the door. Stan rings the doorbell. Mrs. Cartman answers the door.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh, hello, boys!
STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY: Hi.
STAN: Is Cartman here? We're helping train him so he can win the pie eating contest.
MRS. CARTMAN: Yes, he is, boys. Come on in.
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny go into Cartman's house.]
[Int. view, Cartman's dining room. Cartman is still stuffing his face with whole pies. The table is about half full with pies now. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny enter.]
CARTMAN: (Around mouthfuls of pie.) Oh! Hey, you gahs! *BURP!* What kinda pah did you bring?
STAN: Cartman, when did you start eating?
CARTMAN: (Around mouthfuls of pie.) Uh...about five minutes ago.
KYLE: Holy sh*t!
KENNY: Mnmmm nmm nmmmn mnmnmm mnmnmnm nmnmn!
STAN: Christ, Cartman! You just started five minutes ago? How many pies were there to start with?
CARTMAN: Ay! Listen: Just because Ah have eaten half the pahs on this table...
KYLE: Half!?
CARTMAN: If you think you can eat pahs any faster, Ah'd like to see you trah it, you bastard! Now gimme them pahs!
[Cartman grabs the pies away from Stan, Kyle, and Kenny and eats them in quick succession.]
STAN: Kyle, Kenny, I think we need to talk.
KYLE: Right.
KENNY: Mnmm.
STAN: Um, Cartman? We're going to have a meeting real quick here...uh...you just keep eating or something.
CARTMAN: Whatever! Just as long as Ah can keep eating pah!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny all huddle together in a corner. We can see Cartman over their shoulders, still eating pies whole.]
STAN: Dude! This is sweet!
KYLE: Yeah! At this rate, no one will be able to beat Cartman! We're sure to win that contest!
KENNY: Mnmm nmnm nmnn mmmnnnmn mnmnm nnmmmn!
STAN: What!?
[Kenny starts laughing.]
[Ext. view, Cartman's house. A limo is driving down the street.]
JOHN MADDEN: (From inside the limo.) Boom! That's the house! Stop the car!
[The limo stops in front of Cartman's house. John Madden gets out of the limo and walks up to the front door. He has a pie in one hand and a knife and a note in the other hand. He puts the note on the knife, stabs the pie onto the front door, rings the doorbell, runs back to the limo, and gets in.]
JOHN MADDEN: (From inside the limo.) Pow! Let's go!
[The limo screeches off down the street, doing a wheelie. Mrs. Cartman comes and answers the front door.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Yes?
[Mrs. Cartman sees the pie stuck to the front door by the knife.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh, what's this?
[She takes the knife out of the pie and goes inside.]
[Int. view, Cartman's dining room. Cartman is almost out of pies.]
STAN: Uh, Cartman, I think you might want to slow down a little there.
CARTMAN: (Around mouthfuls of pie.) And just whah the Hell would Ah want to do that!?
STAN: Because you could choke and die!
KYLE: So?
STAN: No, Dude! If Cartman dies, then we'll never get to be on Terrance and Phillip!
KYLE: Oh, yeah. Cartman, slow your fat ass down, Goddammit! I want to be on Terrance and Phillip!
CARTMAN: (Around mouthfuls of pie.) Now listen: Ah will eat as fast as Ah want! Ah am the one who's doin' this contest and...and...
[Cartman looks at the table. It's empty.]
CARTMAN: What the Hell is this happy horsesh*t!? Where are all mah pahs, Goddammit!?
KYLE: Cartman, you ate all the pies already!
CARTMAN: No! Nooooo! There must be more hya!
[Cartman jumps out of his chair and starts looking underneath the table. Mrs. Cartman enters, carrying the pie and note from John Madden.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Eric, I found this note and pie on the front door for you.
[Cartman nearly knocks the table over getting out from underneath it. He grabs the pie and note from Mrs. Cartman. Mrs. Cartman exits. Cartman sits back down at the table, throws the note on the floor, and starts eating the pie. Kyle picks up the note and reads it.]
KYLE: Uh...Cartman?
CARTMAN: (Around mouthfuls of pie.) What, Goddammit!? Can't your hippie Jew eyes see that Ah am trahing to eat hya!?
KYLE: Yeah, about that, I don't think you should eat anymore of that pie.
CARTMAN: (Around mouthfuls of pie.) And whah the Hell not!?
KYLE: Dude! You didn't even look at this note!
CARTMAN: (Around mouthfuls of pie.) So!?
KYLE: (Reading.) "Dear Eric Cartman, Don't take this personally, but you are the only person who can stand in my way of winning the pie eating contest. This pie will put you in the hospital until well after the contest. No hard feelings, John Madden."
STAN: That son-of-a-bitch! He can't stop us from being on Terrance and Phillip!
KYLE: Well, what can we do?
STAN: I don't know. Maybe he was just bluffing about that pie?
[Kenny starts motioning frantically.]
KENNY: Mnnmmmnmn mnmnnm!
STAN: Not now, Kenny.
KENNY: Mnmm nnmmm mnmnmm nmnmmmnmmn, Mmmmnmnnn!
KYLE: What!?
[The camera pans over to show that Cartman has passed out on the floor.]
STAN: Well, sh*t.
[Cut to commercial.]
[Ext. view, Hell's Pass Hospital. There is a man on crutches with a broken arm and a bandaged head is ambling up to the hospital. Suddenly, an ambulance rushes into the scene and runs him over. The back opens up and two paramedics get Cartman, on a stretcher out of the back. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Mrs. Cartman get out, too.]
KYLE: Dammit! Cartman better not die or I'll kill his fat ass again!
STAN: Settle down, Dude. Cartman's going to be OK. And if he's not, we'll get that crazy genetical engineer guy to bring him back to life so we can kill him again.
[Int. view, Hell's Pass Hospital waiting room. Mrs. Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are all sitting down. The kids are looking at magazines.]
STAN: Dude! What's with all these magazines?
KYLE: Yeah, none of them are any later than 1987! We weren't even born yet then!
[The doctor comes out into the waiting room.]
DOCTOR: Mrs. Cartman?
[Mrs. Cartman stands up.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Yes, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Mrs. Cartman, your son is going to be all right.
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh, thank Heavens!
DOCTOR: But I'm afraid he will have to remain here for a few days.
STAN: Why?
DOCTOR: Well, son, your friend has what we call a blockage in his urethra caused by an incredibly high amount of minerals in a pie that he ate.
KYLE: What's that mean?
DOCTOR: It means he has a kidney stone the size of a golf ball in his willie and he can't piss until it's out.
[Kenny starts laughing.]
STAN: Weak, Dude! We'll never win that pie eating contest now!
KYLE: Can we go up and see him?
DOCTOR: Sure. Just don't talk to any of the old people on that floor.
STAN: Why not?
DOCTOR: Standard hospital procedure. We just bring them horrible food and medicine and act like we're listening to them.
KYLE: What about Cartman?
DOCTOR: Well, you can talk to him, but we do the same thing with him because he's such a lard loaf.
[Int. view, Hell's Pass Hospital hallway. The kids and Mrs. Cartman are walking down the hall. There are various old people in wheelchairs, on walkers, etc.]
STAN: Damn, this is creepy.
KYLE: I know, Dude. I think some of the people are dead!
OLD MAN: I'm not dead!
STAN: What's that?
KYLE: He says he's not dead.
[An orderly comes down the hall and overhears the boys.]
ORDERLY: Not dead yet? Well, we'll take care of that. You folks just run along now.
[The kids and Mrs. Cartman continue down the hall. We can hear the sounds of a horrific beating off screen.]
MRS. CARTMAN: I wonder where Eric's room is?
[The camera pans down the hall. There is one door that is wide open with assorted food wrappers, boxes, cans, etc., spilling out into the hallway.]
[Int. view, Cartman's hospital room. Cartman is lying in bed in a hospital gown but still wearing his hat and gloves. Mrs. Cartman and the boys enter.]
MRS. CARTMAN: How's Mommy's little angel?
CARTMAN: Dude! Weak, Mom!
MRS. CARTMAN: The doctor says you're going to be just fine, Eric.
CARTMAN: Oh, well, that's pretty sweet, Ah guess.
[Cartman pushes the "call nurse" button on his bed.]
NURSE: (Over speaker.) Yes, Mr. Cartman?
CARTMAN: Get me more food! Ah'm still hungry, woman!
NURSE: (Over speaker.) Right away, Mr. Cartman.
CARTMAN: Sweet.
NURSE: (Over speaker.) Ya miserable bag of lard.
ORDERLY: (Over speaker.) I think you might want to turn of the speaker now, Janet.
NURSE: (Over speaker.) What!? Oh, motherfu...
[The speaker clicks off.]
CARTMAN: Man, Ah'd hate to be that gah they're talkin' about. So, when can Ah start trainin' again for the pah eatin' contest?
STAN: Yeah. About that, Cartman. Um...
[A orderly comes in with a tray for Cartman.]
ORDERLY: Here's your food, Mr. Cartman.
[He sets the tray down on Cartman's tray table and uncovers it. There are some horrid grey and brown lumps, which are moving, on the tray. There's also some red Jell-O.]
STAN: What the Hell is that!?
ORDERLY: It's a hamburger, of course.
KYLE: Since when are hamburgers grey!?
ORDERLY: Listen, kid, I don't name the stuff, OK?
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh, thank you for bringing my boy his food so quickly.
ORDERLY: It's all part of my job. Say, I've got a break right about now. Care to join me?
[The orderly winks at Mrs. Cartman.]
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh, certainly! I simply must find some way to repay you!
ORDERLY: I think that can be arranged...
[The orderly and Mrs. Cartman leave the room. Cartman starts chowing down.]
CARTMAN: So, you gahs, when are we gonna start trainin' me again? Ah have got win that contest.
STAN: I don't think we'll be training any more, Cartman.
CARTMAN: You mean Ah'm ready!? Kick ass!
[Cartman jump out of bed and starts dancing around the room.]
STAN: Um, Cartman?
[Cartman is still dancing.]
STAN: Cartman?
[Cartman is still dancing.]
STAN: Goddammit, Cartman! Stop dancing already!
[Cartman stops dancing.]
CARTMAN: What!? Ah was in the middle of mah victory dance and you go and...
STAN: Cartman, there's a problem with the contest.
[Cartman runs up and picks up Stan by his collar.]
CARTMAN: What problem?
STAN: Well...it's like this, Cartman: you've...um...you've got a...uh...
CARTMAN: What, Goddammit!? What!?
KYLE: That doctor guy says you've got a thing the size of a golf ball in your penis!
[Cartman's eyes go wide and his mouth drops open.]
CARTMAN: What!?
KYLE: Yeah! He says you can't piss until it gets out!
CARTMAN: And just how the f*ck is it supposed ta get out, Anthony f*ckin' Edwards!?
KENNY: Mnmmm mnmm nmmnn mnnnmm nmnnm.
CARTMAN: No! Noooooo!
[Cartman runs in to the bathroom. As he is running in there, we can see that his ass is hanging out of this hospital gown.]
STAN: Aw, Christ, Cartman! Why don't you put on some underwear!?
CARTMAN: (Off screen, in the bathroom.) Screw you, hippie!
[Ext. view, Chef's house.]
[Int. view, Chef's living room. Chef is sitting in a chair, watching TV. A football game is on.]
PAT SUMMERALL: (On TV.) ...And ran over the defense for his sick mother. Isn't that a touching story, Arnold?
[Cut to a view of the TV screen. The TV camera pans back to show that Pat Summerall is sitting in a booth with Arnold Schwartzenegger.]
ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER: (On TV.) I am Ahnuld.
PAT SUMMERALL: (On TV.) You said it, Arnold. For those of you who may not know, my usual colleague, John Madden, is on leave for an important contest he's involved in. Arnold, why don't you tell them about it?
ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER: (On TV.) Ya, I am Ahnuld. I could crush your pathetic bodies with my eyebrows. I am Ahnuld.
PAT SUMMERALL: (On TV.) Well put, Arnold, well put.
[Cut back to Chef.]
CHEF: What the Hell is this bullcrap!?
[Chef changes the channel. We can hear the theme from "Sanford and Son."]
CHEF: At least I won't have to hear that idiot Schwartzenegger here.
ANNOUNCER: (On TV.) We'll be right back with more "Sanford and Son!" But, first, this word from the President's Council on Physical Fitness...
ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER: (On TV.) I am Ahnuld. Dere are many flabby, weak children in the world. I hate ohll of them. I am Ahnuld.
CHEF: Well, I hate to do this but if it was good enough for the King, it's good enough for me.
[Chef pulls a gun from behind his chair and blows the TV away.]
CHEF: Now, that's better already.
[Ext. view, South Park Motor Lodge. It's a really rundown looking dump, even worse than Kenny's house. There are cars on blocks outside of it, flaming garbage cans, etc. John Madden's limo is parked outside.]
[Int. view, John Madden's room. Madden is gorging himself on pies that are roughly a third of his size, or the size of two Cartmans, and watching TV. Pat Summerall and Arnold Schwartzenegger are on.]
PAT SUMMERALL: (On TV.) Say, Arnold, do you know why they called William "The Refrigerator" Perry "The Refrigerator?"
ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER: (On TV.) I am Ahnuld. I don't know, Pat. Why did dey call William "The Refrigerator" Perry "The Refrigerator?"
PAT SUMMERALL: (On TV.) Because he kept all his beans in himself!
[Pat Summerall farts. He and Arnold Schwartzenegger both start laughing.]
JOHN MADDEN: (Sighing.) Boom! That Arnold Schwartzenegger might end up taking over my job. Pow! I'd better get back to training so I can just go on the pie eating circuit. Bang!
[Madden begins stuffing his face again.]
[Int. view, Cartman's hospital room. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are standing outside the bathroom door.]
KYLE: Cartman! Come on out! You're never going to get it out that way!
CARTMAN: (Somewhat muffled.) Ay! You ain't the one with the golf ball in his fireman! Now shut up so Ah can concentrate on pissin' this son-of-a-bitch out, Goddammit!
[We can hear Cartman straining in the bathroom. There's lots of his whining sounds coming out of there. Finally, Cartman screams and we hear a dull thud. Stan knocks on the door.]
STAN: Cartman? Cartman, are you all right?
[No response.]
STAN: Dude, you think we should go in there?
KYLE: I guess so.
STAN: But what if he fell down so that his dress-thingy is wide open, you know, in the front?
KENNY: Mnnmmm nm nmmmmn mnmm mnmnn.
KYLE: Sick, dude!
[Kenny laughs.]
STAN: OK. I'm going in.
[Stan opens the door to the bathroom. Cartman is passed out on the floor.]
STAN: Dammit! Kyle, help me get fat ass back in bed.
[Cartman's eyes open slowly.]
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) Ay. I'll kick you...squa'...in the nuts, hippie.
STAN: OK, Kyle, you get his legs, I'll get his arms.
[Kyle grabs Cartman's feet.]
STAN: Ready?
KYLE: Ready.
[Cartman farts.]
KYLE: Goddammit, Cartman!
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) Heh heh. Screw you gahs.
STAN: Jesus, Cartman! What have you been eating!?
KENNY: Mnmmmnm mmnmn mnmnm mnnmm mnnmmm nmmnmmm nmmn.
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.]
STAN: Yeah!
CARTMAN: (Weakly.) F*ck you...you poor...son-of-a-bitch.
STAN: OK, on three, Kyle. 1...2...3!
[Stan and Kyle strain to lift Cartman. They finally do and slowly carry him back to his bed. Kenny stays behind in the bathroom. He takes a huge wad of the toilet paper, still on the roll, starts unrolling it, puts it in the toilet, and flushes it. Kenny starts laughing. As the wad on the floor gets smaller, we see that some of the toilet paper has wrapped around Kenny's lower body. Kenny looks down and realizes what he's done just as he gets pulled into the toilet.]
KENNY: MMMNNMNMN MNMNMN MNMNM!!!!
[Kenny's entire body goes down the drain with a very powerful sounding flush. However, when his head hits the drain, he stops. Kenny starts laughing again. Suddenly, his head flies off and hits the ceiling, his body being sucked down the drain completely. Blood shoots out of the toilet up onto the ceiling. The toilet burps. Kenny's head rolls into Cartman's room.]
STAN: Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
CARTMAN: You gahs, Ah hafta win that contest, seriously!
STAN: Christ, Cartman! Your f*cking toilet just killed Kenny and you're thinking about that stupid contest!?
KYLE: Dude, remember? If Cartman wins, we'll be on Terrance and Phillip.
STAN: Oh, yeah. Well, what are we going to do now?
KYLE: Why don't we ask that doctor if they can do something for Cartman?
[Stan and Kyle exit. The rats run into the room and start eating Kenny's head.]
[Ext. view, South Park Motor Lodge. John Madden's limo is still out front, on blocks now.]
[Int. view, John Madden's room. Madden is eating pies that are about his size and watching football on TV. Shot of the TV screen.]
PAT SUMMERALL: (On TV.) ...Brings up 3rd and Goal for the Chiefs. Arnold, the Kansas City Chiefs haven't really seemed like themselves this year. Any thoughts on that?
ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER: (On TV.) I am Ahnuld. I would take their pathetic girlie bodies and smash dem with my very large fist until dey ohll turn to jelly! I am Ahnuld.
PAT SUMMERALL: (On TV.) Ha ha. And he really could do it, folks. I personally saw Arnold kill somewhere in the neighborhood of 10-15 midgets yesterday at lunchtime.
JOHN MADDEN: (Yelling.) Boom! Are you about done in there?
[Sally Struthers comes out of the bathroom.]
SALLY STRUTHERS: (Whining.) Oh, why is there so much hunger in the world? Why do so many innocent children have to starve every day?
JOHN MADDEN: Yeah, whatever. Bang!
[Madden hands Sally Struthers some money.]
JOHN MADDEN: Pow! Here's your money, now get out.
SALLY STRUTHERS: (Whining.) Not until I get some pie!
JOHN MADDEN: Wham! No, Sally Struthers! It's my pie!
SALLY STRUTHERS: (Whining.) No! It's mine!
JOHN MADDEN: Zap! No, Sally Struthers! It's my pie, Goddammit! Now get your bitch ass outta here! Boom!
[Sally Struthers pulls a switchblade on Madden.]
SALLY STRUTHERS: (Whining.) Give me some pie or I'll cut ya!
[Ext. view, Hell's Pass Hospital.]
KYLE: ...And that's why we need for Cartman to get that thing out of his penis.
[Int. view, the doctor's office. The doctor is sitting at a desk with Stan and Kyle facing him. He has Scuzzlebutt's skeleton hanging in his office, complete with the enormous hole Stan shot in his head, a piece of petrified celery where the right hand should be, and Patrick Duffy's tiny skeleton instead of his left leg.]
DOCTOR: I see. You know boys, when I was your age I always wanted to be on television. But I never got the chance. You boys have that chance and I don't want to see another generation lose out on the joys of being horribly overexposed to the world and exploited. So, I'm going to help you.
STAN: Really?
DOCTOR: Yes. But this won't be painless for your friend. In fact, it will probably hurt like a bitch.
KYLE: Will he be able to be in the contest, though?
DOCTOR: Oh, Hell, yeah! No problem!
STAN: Kyle, I don't know if this is right. I mean, does Cartman really have to go through all this pain just so we can be on Terrance and Phillip? Will he even have any anesthetic?
DOCTOR: Well, we could use a local, but, believe me, it's gonna hurt like a bitch, too. Your friend will be just as well off without it.
KYLE: Besides, Dude, it's Cartman we're talking about.
STAN: Yeah! I guess you're right, Kyle.
DOCTOR: All right, then! I'll go get the O.R. prepped!
[Cut to commercial.]
[Int. view, Hell's Pass Hospital hallway. Cartman is laying on a gurney and being pushed down the hall to the operating room by an orderly. Stan and Kyle are walking along side the gurney.]
CARTMAN: So, you gahs, this isn't gonna hurt or nothin', right?
KYLE: Sure, Cartman.
STAN: You won't feel a thing, Dude.
CARTMAN: Sweet.
[The orderly starts wheeling Cartman into the operating room.]
ORDERLY: I'm afraid this is as far as you boys can go, but, you can watch up in the theater.
[Stan and Kyle look at each other.]
STAN: Uh...that's OK. We'll just wait for him in the waiting room.
KYLE: Yeah. See you when you get out, Cartman!
[The orderly wheels Cartman through the doors.]
STAN: Dude! There is no way I could watch what they're going to do to him!
KYLE: I know! If he thought Ike's bris was bad...
[Int. view, the operating room. The orderly takes Cartman to the middle of the room, straps him down to the gurney, turns the gurney so that Cartman is upright, and leaves.]
CARTMAN: What the f*ck is goin' on hya!?
[The doctor and a nurse enter.]
DOCTOR: Well, I see we're almost ready, Eric. Nurse, would you put the cover in place?
NURSE: Right away, Doctor.
[The nurse puts a big sheet around Cartman's waist and ties it behind the gurney.]
DOCTOR: And I'll put the smashing table in place.
CARTMAN: Uh, excuse me, but whah is it called a "smashing table?"
[The doctor cringes.]
DOCTOR: I'd...I'd rather not go into it right now, Eric. What we're going to do now is get that golf ball sized obstruction out of your urethra.
CARTMAN: And means Ah'll be able to piss again, right?
DOCTOR: Right.
CARTMAN: Sweet.
DOCTOR: Now, I have to ask you something, Eric: Do you trust me?
CARTMAN: Ah guess so...Whah?
DOCTOR: Well, the procedure we're going to use might sting a little at first but you'll be able to be in that pie eating contest when we're finished.
CARTMAN: Kick ass!
DOCTOR: Yes, I guess it is kind of kick ass. Now, I need you to put your fireman on this table underneath the sheet.
[Cartman moves around under the sheet, doing his thing. There's a golf ball sized bulge in the sheet.]
CARTMAN: OK...and whah am Ah doin' this?
DOCTOR: It's all part of the procedure. Hmmm...Nurse, hand me the number six hammer.
CARTMAN: HAMMER!?
[Int. view, Hell's Pass Hospital waiting room. Stan and Kyle are sitting on a couch, watching TV. There is a loud smashing sound from the operating room. Stan and Kyle look towards the operating room doors.]
CARTMAN: (Off screen and muffled.) Aw, Christ f*ckin' piece of monkey sh*t f*cker asshole bastard son-of-a-bitch nostril screwin' bitch assin' Goddamn bellybutton rapin' f*cknut asswipe bag of pig barf!
[Cartman suddenly stops.]
STAN: Dude, do you think Cartman's OK?
KYLE: He better be or else we're sh*t out of luck.
[An orderly wheels Cartman, on the gurney, out of the operating room. Stan and Kyle run up to the gurney.]
STAN: Cartman, are you all right?
[The doctor comes out of the operating room.]
DOCTOR: I'm afraid he won't be able to hear you for a while, son. He passed out as soon as we used the hammer on him. The good news is that the procedure was a complete success.
KYLE: Then what was all that cursing he was doing?
DOCTOR: A reflexive response. It happens every time we use that procedure. Your friend should be awake in about an hour or so. You can see him then.
STAN: Well, what the Hell are we supposed to do for an hour here!?
DOCTOR: You could visit some of our elderly patients. They just love it when children come to visit them for no reason.
[Stan and Kyle just stare at the doctor.]
KYLE: Seriously, what the Hell are we going to do for an hour?
[Int. view, Cartman's hospital room. Cartman is still unconscious. Stan, Kyle, and Mrs. Cartman are gathered around his bed. Kenny's skull (in his hood) is still on the floor.]
KYLE: Dammit! We still have 25 minutes until Cartman is supposed to wake up! We're losing precious minutes here!
STAN: I've got an idea to wake him up.
KYLE: Really?
STAN: Yeah, just watch!
[Stan leans in close to Cartman.]
STAN: (Whispering.) Cartman? Oh, Cartman? Wake up, Cartman. We've got Cheesy Poof pudding pie for you...
[Cartman's eye open immediately. Stan backs off and Cartman sits bolt upright in his bed.]
CARTMAN: Cheesy Poof puddin' pah!? Sweet!
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh, Eric! I'm so glad you're all right, my little lovey dumpling!
[Stan and Kyle laugh.]
CARTMAN: Dude! Weak, Mom! Ay! You sons-of-bitches said that Ah wasn't gonna get hurt! That asshole doctor whacked mah fireman with a f*ckin' hammer, Goddammit!
STAN: Cartman, we had to lie to you, or else you wouldn't have gone through with the procedure!
CARTMAN: That's a bunch of pig crap! You f*ckin' bastards just wanted to see me in pain!
MRS. CARTMAN: No, Eric, they're right. I had the same problem when I was your age. If my mother hadn't lied to me, I'd still have that kidney stone in my fireman and then I wouldn't have had you, my precious.
[The doctor comes into the room, carrying a golf ball.]
DOCTOR: Mrs. Cartman, I'm afraid I have to ask you a serious question.
MRS. CARTMAN: Yes, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Is it true that you don't have insurance to pay for your son's operation?
MRS. CARTMAN: I'm afraid it is, Doctor.
DOCTOR: (Holding up the golf ball.) Then I'm going to have put this golf ball into his penis to replace the kidney stone we took out.
CARTMAN: What!?
STAN: Dude! Sorry, Cartman!
KYLE: Yeah, sorry you have to get a golf ball stuck in your penis!
MRS. CARTMAN: (Innocently.) Isn't there some other way I could pay you, Doctor?
[The doctor looks Mrs. Cartman over.]
DOCTOR: Well, I suppose there might be...Come with me, Mrs. Cartman!
[The doctor and Mrs. Cartman exit.]
STAN: Damn, Cartman!
KYLE: Dude! You should start pimping for your mom!
CARTMAN: Shut up, Kyle!
STAN: Yeah, you'd make a ton of money, Cartman!
CARTMAN: Really? You gahs think so? Hmmm...wait...no...Goddammit! Stop talkin' 'bout mah mom like that you f*ckin' asswipe hippie bitches!
KYLE: OK, seriously, we have to get you back in training, Cartman. Go get your clothes so we can get out of here.
[Cartman, with his ass still hanging out, gets out of bed and goes over to the closet. He opens it and bags of Cheesy Poofs and boxes of Snacky Cakes fall out.]
CARTMAN: Heh heh. Um...Ah had mah mom bring me a few things from home.
[Film montage of Stan and Kyle training Cartman. Music reminiscent of the "Rocky" theme plays the whole time. We see scenes of Cartman eating pie after pie after pie. Cartman turns to Stan and Kyle but we can't hear him. Stan and Kyle yell at Cartman. Cartman starts eating pie again. He takes three bites, turns around, and barfs. Stan and Kyle jump back. The film montage ends with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman in a meat locker.]
[Int. view, meat locker. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are all there.]
CARTMAN: You gahs, what the Hell does this hafta to do with mah trainin'!? Ah'm freezin' mah nuts off in hya!
STAN: OK, Cartman. This is the last part of your training.
CARTMAN: What the f*ck am Ah supposed to do with this sh*t!?
KYLE: We want you to punch these dead cows to build up your strength so you can pick up pies faster.
CARTMAN: Ah don' know about this, you gahs. It sounds a lot like work to me.
STAN: It is work, Cartman, and you're going to do it, or else.
CARTMAN: Or else what?
KYLE: Or else each time you start to act like you're tired or stop, we'll drop a cow on you.
[Kyle climbs a scaffold to a catwalk above the cow carcasses. There are switches on the catwalk to drop the cows.]
STAN: Ready, Cartman?
CARTMAN: No.
STAN: (Ignoring Cartman.) Good. Get to it!
CARTMAN: But, you gahs, I seriously don' wanna do this, dammit!
[Stan nods to Kyle. Kyle nods back to Stan. Kyle throws one of the switches on the catwalk. Cartman looks up just in time to see the cow released.]
CARTMAN: You damn, dirty motherfu...
[The cow lands on Cartman.]
STAN: Ready to try it again, Cartman?
[Cartman crawls halfway out from underneath the cow.]
CARTMAN: Kill...you gahs...seriously.
[Ext. view, South Park Auditorium Park. There is a crowd gathering in front of the stage area. Up on the stage, there is a long table set up and a banner hanging above that reads: "Pie Eating Contest!".]
[Int. view, back stage. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are talking strategy. Cartman is wearing a sequin covered cape.]
STAN: OK, you got that, Cartman?
CARTMAN: Yeah, yeah. Ah know what to do.
KYLE: Cartman?
CARTMAN: What, Kyle?
KYLE: Why the Hell are you wearing that gay ass cape!?
CARTMAN: Ay! Screw you, you damn hippie Jew! Ah happen to like this cape!
KYLE: Cartman, I wouldn't wipe my ass with that cape if it was the only thing like toilet paper left in the world! It looks like something you got from Stan's gay dog, Sparky, or Big Gay Al!
CARTMAN: That's it! F*ck you, bitch! Ah will kick you in the nuts!
[Cartman starts to rush Kyle. Stan steps between them and holds Cartman back.]
STAN: Whoa, Cartman! Save that energy for the contest!
CARTMAN: (Whining.) But I wanna kick his ass now, Goddammit!
STAN: Cartman, you need to calm down and focus on the pie.
[Cartman suddenly gets much calmer.]
CARTMAN: You're raht, Stan. I will, nay, I must sally forth and eat, oh, so much pah this day.
KYLE: And take off that gay cape!
CARTMAN: Eeeeeeeeeeeee!
[Cartman tries to rush Kyle again.]
[Ext. view, South Park Auditorium Park. An announcer's table has been set up at the side of the audience. There are two announcer's sitting at that table.]
ANNOUNCER #1: Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm Frank Hammond, South Park public radio AM 1480. Well, it looks like were in for one Hell of a pie eating contest today!
ANNOUNCER #2: That's right, Frank. Hi, everyone! I'm Chet McGetsum. The contestants have been training long and hard and now it's time to see if all that training has paid off.
ANNOUNCER #1: And although there can only be one official winner, I think I speak for everyone here when I say that everyone in this contest is a winner in our hearts.
ANNOUNCER #2: Uh...not really, Frank. They're really a bunch of losers.
ANNOUNCER #1: (Whispering.) Goddammit, Chet! Cover your mic when you say things like that!
ANNOUNCER #2: Oh, sh*t. I said that on the air?
ANNOUNCER: #1: Dude!
[The contestants, except for Cartman and John Madden, start walking out onto the stage and take their places at the table.]
ANNOUNCER #1: It looks like we're about ready to go here, Chet!
ANNOUNCER #2: That's right, Frank. But I don't seem to see this year's favorite to win the pie-eating contest, Eric Cartman, or the man who could put Cartman in his place, John Madden.
ANNOUNCER #1: Without either one of them in this contest, some of the other contestants might have a chance of winning here today and get to make that appearance on Terrance and Phillip! Let's meet our contes...
[John Madden's limo sudden jumps over the crowd and lands on stage, crushing about half the contestants. John Madden get out of the limo and takes his place at the table.]
ANNOUNCER #2: Well, it appears that John Madden has arrived, after all. Without Eric Cartman here, he may have this contest in the bag, Frank.
[Fireworks explode behind the crowd.]
ANNOUNCER #2: What the Hell is this happy horsesh*t!?
ANNOUNCER #1: Dammit, Chet!
[The crowd splits down the middle. Cartman, with his cape still on, comes walking down the middle of the crowd to the tune of "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Eat It."]
JOHN MADDEN: Bang! Damn that little tub of lard! I thought I took care of him! Boom!
[Cartman walks up on stage and takes his place at the table.]
JOHN MADDEN: Pow! Are you ready to lose, fatty? Zap!
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah don' hafta take that kinda sh* t from some Goddamn giant bucket of cow piss! You are goin' down, you f*ckin' pussy asshole!
[All the contestants get ready. They all have pie placed in front of them and a guy in a referee shirt comes out on stage with a gun. He shoots it into the air and the contest begins.]
ANNOUNCER #1: And they're off!
[Cartman and John Madden are eating pies about five times faster than anyone else. Some contestants are passing out. Others are turning around and throwing up before being dragged off stage until Cartman and John Madden are the only contestants remaining.]
ANNOUNCER #2: It looks like it's just Eric Cartman and John Madden left now, Frank!
ANNOUNCER #1: That's right, Chet! I wonder how long they can keep this up!?
[Ext. view, backstage. Stan and Kyle are looking out at the contest.]
STAN: Dude! This doesn't look too good!
KYLE: What?
STAN: Cartman is slowing down, dammit!
KYLE: What the!?
[Cartman is only eating at about a third of the rate he was before. John Madden is easily winning right now.]
KYLE: That son-of-a-bitch! If he loses...
[Ext. view, the announcer's table.]
ANNOUNCER #1: It looks as though Eric Cartman has seriously lost some steam here, Chet!
ANNOUNCER #2: That's right, Frank! Only a miracle could save Eric Cartman right now and allow him to win the contest!
[Ext. view, on stage. Cartman is visibly dizzy. He's barely eating now.]
CARTMAN: No more...pah...can't...go...on...
JOHN MADDEN: Boom! Ha ha! Looks like I win, fatty! Bang!
WOMAN'S VOICE: Not so fast, Madden!
JOHN MADDEN: Huh?
[John Madden turns around to see who is talking. It's a woman who is about as big as he is with dark hair. It's Rosie O'Donnell.]
JOHN MADDEN: Pow! R-Rosie? What are you doing here? Zap!
ROSIE O'DONNELL: You screwed me out of winning last year's celebrity pie eating contest, now I'm gonna screw you out of winning this one, you bastard!
STAN: Dude! This is pretty f*cked up right here!
KYLE: Let's grab Cartman and get out of here!
[Stan and Kyle grab Cartman and drag him off stage. Rosie O'Donnell grabs hold of John Madden and throws him into one of the supports for the stage. The whole thing falls on top of both of them, crushing them unmercifully.]
STAN: Cartman, are you all right?
CARTMAN: Did...did ah win?
[The announcers come over to the boys.]
ANNOUNCER #1: I'm afraid not, Eric.
CARTMAN: What!?
ANNOUNCER #2: You see, it says quite plainly in the rules that if there is any outside interference, the contest is held null and void and no one wins. Sorry.
CARTMAN: Not as sorry as you two assholes are gonna be! Stan, Kyle: get 'em.
[Stan and Kyle just stand there.]
CARTMAN: Ah said get 'em, dammit!
STAN: F*ck you, Cartman!
KYLE: Let's go see if Terrance and Phillip is on!
[Stan and Kyle exit.]
CARTMAN: Goddammit, you sons-of-bitches! Get your asses back hya!
[The announcers start laughing at Cartman.]
CARTMAN: Ay! Ah'll kick your bitch asses instead!
[Cartman runs up to the announcers but he gets too queezy from all the pie he ate and throws up on their shoes.]
ANNOUNCER #1: Oh, my God! He barfed on my Italian loafers!
ANNOUNCER #2: You little bastard!
[Cartman walks off.]
CARTMAN: (Off camera.) Heh heh. You gahs suck.
[Cut to commerical.]
[Ext. view, the bus stop. Stan and Kyle are already there.]
STAN: Have you seen Cartman this morning?
KYLE: Not yet. I wonder where he is?
[Cartman walks up the bus stop carrying a brown paper bag.]
CARTMAN: Hey, gahs.
STAN AND KYLE: Hey, Cartman.
STAN: Hey, Cartman, your shoe's untied.
CARTMAN: What? Oh, thanks, Stan. Hey, Kyle, will you hold mah lunch for me while Ah tah mah shoe?
KYLE: Sure, Cartman.
[Cartman hands Kyle the paper bag. Cartman bends down to tie his shoe.]
CARTMAN: Man, Ah'll tell you somethin': Ah think if anyone says anythin' about pah, Ah am gonna be sick!
STAN: Really?
CARTMAN: Hell, yeah!
KYLE: Pie.
[Cartman stops tying his shoe. He gets a really sickly look on his face and turns greenish.]
CARTMAN: Ah'm gonna barf!
KYLE: Here, Cartman, barf in this!
[Kyle hands Cartman the paper bag. Cartman barfs into it.]
STAN: Feel better now, Cartman?
CARTMAN: Yeah, Ah guess so.
KYLE: Goddammit! Where the Hell is Miss Crabtree!?
STAN: F*ck it. Let's just walk to school.
[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman all exit.]
KYLE: (Off screen.) Hey, Cartman, what did your mom give you for lunch today?
CARTMAN: (Off screen.) Well, let's just see hya...
[There's a squishing sound from off screen as Cartman sticks his hand into the bag.]
CARTMAN: You sick bastards!
[End credits and song.]
In article , Kyle Broslofski writes:
Not just any ass, either...Cartman's ass (or maybe the mayor's (Get it? Nevermind.))! Anyway, great job, as always!
Uh...I don't get the mayor thing. She wasn't even in this fic. What are you talking about, Steve? Seriously, I have no clue.
Mr. Dead
"Mr. Dead: Making the world safe for those who aren't living!"
In article , "Mr. Dead" writes:
Watch "An Elephant Makes Love To A Pig" again. :-) There's a scene where the mayor is making fun of Mephisto and retrieves a donkey from under her desk (hence, secretly calling him an ass). This was a weird scene, but funny. Anyway, I was just making a very corny reference to it.
Actually, I think this is from "Starvin' Marvin," Steve. It's when Mephisto was telling the mayor about the genetically cloned, pissed off turkeys. But now that you've told me what you were talking about, I understand completely. Nice obscure reference!
Mr. Dead
"Mr. Dead: Making the world safe for those who aren't living!"
In article , "Mr. Dead" writes:
Yeah, I was just going through some WAVs from SM and ran across it. I guess I should pay more attention to my favorite show! :-)
On Wed, 24 Mar 1999 16:39:08 -0600, "Mr. Dead" wrote:
that was one brilliant kick ass fanfic! LOL :)) love the ending! only thing is cold you write cartman talking like a normal person? the way it is gives me the creeps :( but i suppose i could get used to it =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- "I love you guys... ah screw you guys!" (Cartman) " " (Silent Bob)
I'm glad you liked it! I COULD write Cartman talking like a normal person but then I don't think that it would "sound" like him really talking. What creeps you out about it?
Mr. Dead
"Mr. Dead: Making the world safe for those who aren't living!"
In article , "Mr. Dead" writes:
Have you ever tried to read Mark Twain? :-)
On Fri, 26 Mar 1999 18:02:06 -0600, "Mr. Dead" wrote:
i dunno, its just a feeling i get that he's about to whack me with a nightstick :)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- "I love you guys... ah screw you guys!" (Cartman) " " (Silent Bob)
In article , Mr Psycho (Mr Psycho) writes:
Yeah, could you?
SSu2719147 wrote in message ...
writes:
Have you ever met the mother of Kyle, my friend? She is the largest spiteful, domineering woman on this planet. She is a very mean person and her hair is equally inane. She is a spiteful, domineering woman ,a spiteful, domineering woman ,a spiteful, domineering woman ,a spiteful, domineering woman ,a spiteful, domineering woman ,a spiteful, domineering woman ,a spiteful, domineering woman .
Naaaah... Doesn't work does it !!?
Covenant. A Man With Far Too Much Time On His Hands
LOL! :-) Looks like Cov's got the right idea! The way I write Cartman talking just "sounds" like him to me, so that's how I write him.
Mr. Dead
"Mr. Dead: Making the world safe for those who aren't living!"
Mr. Dead sang this to the tune of "When I Was On Top Of You," which very nearly gave me a brain aneurysm:
*snipping sniper strikes story*
That rocked, dude. But I must tell you, muchos wincing during the stone operation.
*nods*
Merry.
Denis Leary, "No Cure For Cancer"
WHERE in NCFC does that quote appear ! I don't recognise it at all!!!???
Covenant. A Man With Far Too Much Time On His Hands Who Liked Denis A Lot More When He Wasn't Selling Out To Ad Companies Or Trying To Put His Act Across In Movies And Failing *Just* Enough For It To Be Embarassing...Demolition Man......
Covenant sang this to the tune of "When I Was On Top Of You," which very nearly gave me a brain aneurysm:
~>You must accelerate. Lust. Laugh. Live every day as if it's ~>your last. Go shopping. Buy whatever you want. A Ming vase. ~>Chocolate furniture. The bones of Elvis Presley. Go ahead. ~>Load up your credit cards. Shoot a cop. Fuck a stranger. ~>Fuck him, kill him, eat him. Fly to Rome and give the finger ~>to the Pope. Enjoy. ~Denis Leary, "No Cure For Cancer" ~ ~ ~WHERE in NCFC does that quote appear ! I don't recognise it at all!!!???
It appears in the original script. Buy the book. ^_~
The stories about his dad...and the "Tasmanian Devil" bit...are my favourites from the video.
The Traditional Irish Folk Song is my favourite on the CD.
~Covenant. ~A Man With Far Too Much Time On His Hands Who Liked Denis A Lot More When ~He Wasn't Selling Out To Ad Companies Or Trying To Put His Act Across In ~Movies And Failing *Just* Enough For It To Be Embarassing...Demolition ~Man......
I liked him in...what was it called, The Sand Lot or something...played a Little League dad.
Merry.
I just read this at Mr. Hat's Hell Hole. I am so totally jazzed by this I don't know what to say! "I've also got a new fanfic for you guys from Chris Anderson [that's me!]. This is one of the best that we've gotten in a while, and you'll love it if you're football fan, it's called "It's Not Football Without John Madden." If Matt or Vin from the Hell Hole read this, thanks a lot! If you don't believe this is real, go to www.thehellhole.com and see for yourself!
Mr. Dead
In article , [email] wrote:
I don't
me!]. This
Thank god for that. It's about time that they recognised a talented writer.
Post some of your non-fic stories. We wanna read them.
[Tilts back a pint in honor of Martin's continued drunkeness.] It's really more like one non-fic story at the present and it's not finished yet. Still, I'm fairly pleased with it so far. What do you people say? Wanna read what there is so far? If yes, where should I post it?
Mr. Dead
"Mr. Dead: Making the world safe for those who aren't living!"
In article , "Mr. Dead" writes:
Only if it's related to South Park, since this IS a South Park forum. Otherwise, just use E-mail.
Makes perfect sense to me. So, that leaves the question, who's interested? I know that Martin is. Anyone else? Let me tell you this: it's written in script form just like my fanfics, so don't expect a straight-out narrative story. That, and it's dedicated to my best friend. You'll get what I mean if you read it. Anyway, anyone interested let me know and give me your REAL email address and I'll send you what I have so far on my non-SP work.
Mr. Dead
"Mr. Dead: Making the world safe for those who aren't living!"
On Wed, 24 Mar 1999 16:37:26 -0600, "Mr. Dead" wrote:
don't worry about how long they take1 at least now they fill up the void in our lives when sp isn't on tv :( god damn son of a bitch tv execs... =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- "I love you guys... ah screw you guys!" (Cartman) " " (Silent Bob)