I think this is one of my better fics. Takin' a break from the series stories, going back to funny scripts...you all get one guess as to who Asira is. Not me, that's all I'll say...
The Unnamed - [Scene: A faded blue armchair, one of the wheeled ones that swivel, in front of a little nook filled with computer equipment and general mess. A blonde girl, animated in South Park style so you can't see her cool blue-gray eyes (yes, I like my eyes, could you tell?) is sitting at the computer, typing. She turns her head to look at the camera.]
Alyssa: <in a deep, unnatural voice> What you are about to see is scenes of terror. Of pain. Of--
Cartman: <offscreen> God damn, Alyssa, shut up!
[Camera pans to reveal the scamps standing behind her chair.]
Alyssa: <in normal voice, angry> Thanks a lot, fat boy! You ruined my intro!
Kyle: Dude, you weren't even intro-ing the fanfic you were about to write! Terror? Pain? F*ck, this is a flashback 'fic!
Alyssa: How'd you know that?
Kyle: A little thing called a script. We've started reading it before your fics, so we know what you're going to do to us!
Stan: Even though we don't get to do that much, since A CERTAIN PERVERT <glares at Kenny> gets all your fanfics!
[Kenny takes a step away from Stan.]
Alyssa: I'm a very obsessive Kennite with low willpower, of *course* I write fanfics about Kenny!
Kenny: (In which you torture me.)
Alyssa: I have to torture you guys. Not only is it fun, it's a writer's rule which I dare not break.
Kyle: What would happen if you did break it?
Alyssa: You'd all be trapped in a happy fuzzy world singing songs and playing hopscotch.
Scamps: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Stan: <freaked out> Okaydudeokay!!
Alyssa: Yeah, it appalls me too. Okay, shall we start the fanfic now?
Cartman: <looking traumatized> Nooo! I hate fanfics!! Aaaahhhh!
Alyssa: Re*lax*. This isn't a torture fic. You're *not* battling undead skeletons this time, you're *not* dealing with a cult, you're *not* being tortured.
Cartman: <whining> In one fanfic you killed mee-ee-ee-eee!
Kenny: (Stop whining, fatass, *some* people have to die every *week*.)
Alyssa: <sigh> We're starting now.
[Scene fades to black before Cartman can make his getaway. Fade back in, Kyle is watching TV in his house, channel surfing.]
TV: We now interrupt more interesting television to deliver this exclusive report of Bill Clinton's *click* In local news, a hooded eight-year-old was found dead *click* I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam *click* I love you, you love me *scream from Kyle, click* Now, on the Shameless Self-Promotion Network, a marathon of Alyssa's fanfics! *CLICK* And now, a marathon of all the other fanfics! *click, TV screen goes blank*
Kyle: Dammit, there's never anything good on after Terrance and Phillip. <He sighs> I wonder what else there is to do...
[He starts glancing around the house from his chair. He spots a biiiiiigass book leaning against a wall.]
Kyle: That wasn't there before...
[Kyle jumps off the chair and goes to the book. He opens it - it's a photo album.]
Kyle: Hey, I haven't seen these before. That picture looks like I'm preg--oh no. ALYSSA!!
[Yes, Mr. I-Read-The-Script-Before-The-Fic-Now?]
Kyle: I just read the synopsis! All it said was "flashback fic", not "fanfic flashback fic"!
[Whatever. Stick to the plot before I bring in the dancing mushrooms.]
Kyle: <martyred sigh> Whatever... <slips back in-character> Dude, this is weird... I gotta show this to the guys! <he goes to the phone and dials Stan. Split screen, with Stan on the right and Kyle on the left.
Stan: Hello?
Kyle: Hey, Stan!
Stan: Oh, hey Kyle! What's up?
Kyle: I found this weirdass book in my house.
Stan: Dude, is it possible for something in South Park to *not* be weirdass?
Kyle: Good point. Wanna come over and check it out?
Stan: <shrugs> Sure, I'll be right over.
Kyle: Okay, bye.
[Both hang up. Kyle dials Cartman's number. Split screen again, except Ms. Cartman answered.]
Ms. Cartman: Hello?
Kyle: Could you ask Cartman to come over to my house? I wanna show him something.
Ms. Cartman: Sure! <takes the phone away from her mouth> Eric, your little friend Kyle is on the phone!
Cartman: <offscreen> What's he want?
Ms. Cartman: He wants to show you something.
Cartman: <offscreen, whines>
Ms. Cartman: Now, Eric, be a good boy and go over to Kyle's house.
[More offscreen whining, then a thump and the sound of a door opening and slamming.]
Ms. Cartman: He's on his way.
Kyle: Thanks.
[Both hang up. Kyle starts to dial Kenny's number, remembers that Kenny's dead, and calls Lenni instead. Split screen. On the left is a room with the walls painted gray. There is a picture of Pikachu from Pokemon, a Tori Amos poster, and a Fleetwood Mac poster on the walls. Tori's "Crucify" is playing in the background. An Italian girl wearing shades of gray (Lenni) answers the phone.]
Lenni: <singing along with the CD> Why do we crucify ourselves? Every day I crucify myself, and my heart is sick of bein', my heart is sick of bein', in chaaaaaaaaaaaaaains...
Kyle: Huh?
Lenni: "Crucify", by Tori Amos.
Kyle: Oh. Uh, this is Kyle. I was gonna call Kenny, but he's dead--
Lenni: WHAT??
Kyle: Geez Lenni, it happens every week. I don't know how you can be Kenny's girlfriend and still get upset when he dies...anyway, since Kenny's dead, I figured I'd call you instead. I found this weird photo album in my house, and I was wondering if you wanna come see it.
Lenni: <shrug> Okay. Don't expect me to be particularly early, since--
Kyle: Spare me the details, okay? Just come over.
Lenni: Sorry. Bye.
[They both hang up. There is a knock at the door. Kyle answers. It's Stan and Cartman.]
Kyle: <letting them in> Hi guys.
Stan: Hi Kyle.
Cartman: Where's that thing you were gonna show me?
Kyle: <sarcastically> A lifetime supply of Cheesy Poofs.
Cartman: KICKASS!!
Kyle: I was being sarcastic. I wanted to show you guys this weirdass book...
[He, Stan, and Cartman go over to the book. Someone knocks on the door.]
Kyle: Come in!
[Lenni enters and walks over to the book. It's big enough for her, Cartman, Kyle, and Stan to all sit side by side along one edge, with room for one more. It's a very big book.]
Cartman: So what's in this book?
Kyle: Photos of stuff that happened to us. In fanfics, I think.
[Cartman twitches.]
Stan: Geez, Cartman, we're just looking through a photo album. It's not like you're being hung upside down over a fire.
Cartman: Yeah...you're right, Alyssa's not gonna kill me... <glare at the camera> LIKE SHE DID ONCE.
[Criminy, Cartman! You hold a grudge, don't you? I'm not gonna torture or kill you, so stick to the plot before I bring in the dancing mushrooms!]
[Cartman mutters something and looks at the photo album. The boys are mostly looking through mundane scenes - playground conversations, and all that.]
Stan: <staring at a picture> Oh my God. Is that what I think it is?
Kyle: <looks at the picture, cracks up> I think it is!
[They go into hysterics. Cartman looks at the picture and his face turns red.]
Cartman: Goddammit!!
Stan: <weakly, through laughter> You...wore....women's underwear...dude...
Lenni: He did?? <looks at the picture, joins Kyle and Stan in hysterics>
Cartman: <whines> It wasn't my fault! It was that damn SnowCalico bitch who wrote iiiiit!
[He turns the page. Stan, Kyle, and Lenni calm down, and look at the pictures.]
Lenni: Will someone tell me *what* the *hell* *THAT* thing is? <pointing>
Stan: <looks> Mecha-DiCrappio. I think Martin Hazelbower did that one.
[Kenny appears next to Lenni.]
Stan: Oh, hey Kenny.
Lenni: <huge smile> Kenny! I thought you were dead...
Kenny: (I was, I've been working on resurrecting faster.)
Lenni: Ah.
Kyle: Oh, God...
[He points to a picture. It is of Cartman and Sheila eating Quickies.]
Cartman: Sheila... <goes into dreamland>
[Stan hits Cartman on the head to snap him out of it.]
Cartman: OW! Hippie!
Lenni: <turning the page, eyes widen> Oh.
[The picture is of Kenny unmasked, holding Lenni's corpse with tears in his eyes. (hey, I had to promo "South Park Underground" in here somewhere...) Kenny looks and flinches.]
Kenny: (Why me? Why am I always the one singled out to have the people I care about die?)
[Because you're just sooooo torturable, Kennydear. Besides, at least Lenni's immortal too.]
[Stan turns the page, and his eyes widen. It shows Kenny kneeling by Stan's corpse.]
Stan: Whoa, dude! Is that...me...dead?
Kenny: (With me mourning for you. Like I said, I'm singled out. Why oh why must people pick on the immortal kid? Don't I suffer enough?)
Lenni: <nudging Kenny> Let's not forget about me.
Cartman: Yeah! Kenny, I didn't come over here to hear you whine about being tortured! Remember who got killed by demons?
Kenny: (So did I.)
Cartman: <whining> But it's different with you! You *have* to die! I'm just a mere mortal!
Kenny: (Fattest mere mortal on Earth!)
Cartman: AYY!!!
[As they fight, Kyle turns the page. He sees a picture of Stan's alternative life from Snow's bizarre fanfic - the part where Stan's a giant hairy monster.]
Stan: <seeing that before Kyle can turn the page> You know, I'm glad Snow retired... (author's note: Stan's opinions here do not in any way reflect my own. Snoooow, we neeeed you...)
SnowCalico: <appearing out of nowhere> HEY!!!
[She disappears. Pause.]
Kyle: Huh?
[Cartman turns the page. We see Kenny and Penny in a church, during the "Kenny's in Love" wedding scene.]
Cartman: Damn, Kenny! You got married behind Lenni's back?
Kenny and Lenni: WHAT???
Kyle: Dude, Cartman, that's from that one fic the Snow bitch wrote, the first fanfic Kenny ever got a girlfriend in!
Cartman: So?
Kyle: So, the way Alyssa sees this, Kenny isn't married to Penny. As far as she's concerned, Lenni's the only girl he ever loved. <pauses> Did I just say that?
Stan: I think Alyssa was trying to speak through you or something, dude.
Kyle: Dammit. <pause> Can we kill her?
[Kenny is looking at the picture. He closes his eyes against some inner pain. A tear trickles out of one eye.]
Kenny: (Penny...)
[Rather than turning into a jealous superbitch as you might expect, Lenni understands and holds Kenny's hand comfortingly. He looks at her and smiles, you can see it in his eyes.]
[A brass band marches through the room.]
Kenny: (HEY! What was that for?)
[Sorry, it was getting too mushy.]
Kenny: (I hate you.)
[In an attempt to cheer Kenny up, Lenni gives him a quick kiss on the hood over the cheek and leans to turn the page, as Kenny's eyes close halfway, he blushes, and those little paper hearts go around his head.]
Stan: <reading the turned page> Thank you for enduring my insanity and torture. For that, you will all get cookies.
[Chocolate chip cookies start raining down from the ceiling.]
Stan: And as a parting note...Fungus Turp-sih-chore-ee-us Kaw-ai-ee-us?
[Cute dancing mushrooms!]
Stan: Oh.
[Fade to black. Kyle appears in the blackness, looking around confusedly.]
Kyle: What? Where the hell am I?
[A girl wearing crimson-to-blue bellbottoms, a white-chiffon-over-black-silk-blouse, a beaded headdress, and a pewter ankh walks up to Kyle. She has long blonde hair and mismatched eyes.]
Asira: <singing> Millions weep a fountain, just in case of sunrise... who'll love Aladdin Sane?
[Asira walks away. Long pause.]
Kyle: *HUH??*
[fin] [credits]
*Lyssie dances off, singing "Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again..." (hey, that'd be a neat line for Kenny to say in that amnesia fanfic, Kim!)*
Alyssa Fungus Terpsichoreus Kawaiius!