Mecha DiCrappio A South Park Episode by Martin Hazelbower
Titles and theme song.
Brief shot of the outside of the South Park Cinematorium 32. Cut to inside, front row. KYLE, STAN, CARTMAN and KENNY are sitting in four seats. Cartman is eating from a box of Cheezy Poofs; the floor is littered with empty boxes. The movie can be heard faintly in the background.
STAN: Dammit this movie sucks!
KYLE: Don't worry, I heard that it gets good really quick. This is just the buildup.
CARTMAN: It better be, I've wasted so much money on snacks.
KYLE: Cartman, maybe if you didn't eat so much you wouldn't be such a fat-ass.
CARTMAN: Screw you, you hippie freak.
Angle on the movie screen. It's Titanic. LEONARDO DICAPRIO is sitting on a deck chair, staring into the sky wistfully. We hear a voice offscreen.
VOICE (O.S.): Iceberg ho! Hard a-starboard!
DICAPRIO: What?
The ship turns sharply, flinging DICAPRIO into the ocean.
DICAPRIO: Aaaaaah! No... it can't end like this... I'm too pretty to die!
We hear the director's offscreen voice.
DIRECTOR (O..S.): You know, Leonardo, this is a heated pool. It's four feet deep too.
DICAPRIO: I'm too young to die! I haven't even started shaving yet... trails off into bubbly sounds)
Angle on the kids again.
STAN: I like this new director's cut.
CARTMAN: Yeah, it takes the picture to bold new directions.
KENNY: (He looks gay.)
Everyone laughs. An USHER enters, smoking a cigarette. He puts his hand on CARTMAN's shoulder.
USHER: Sir, are those empty boxes yours?
CARTMAN: Yeah they're mine! You can't have any!
KYLE: Whoa, mellow out Cartman.
USHER: Littering is against the policies of this theatre. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you and your friends to leave.
They get up and leave, dejectedly. As they go out the door, the usher removes his cigarette and holds it in his hand.
USHER: Kids today... what are they coming to? They never pay any attention to our rules.
He throws it over his shoulder, where it starts a fire in the pile of empty Cheezy Poof boxes. We can hear the movie more clearly again.
DIRECTOR (O.S.): Work with me Leo baby, grab the life preserver.
DICAPRIO (O.S.): I'm too rich to die... etc.
Outside, the kids are walking down the road, away from the theatre.
STAN: Well, what are we gonna do now?
KYLE: We could have a sleepover.
ALL: Yeah!
Shot of Cartman's house. Cut to inside. CARTMAN is on the couch; MS. CARTMAN is standing next to him.
CARTMAN: Mom, can I sleep over at Kyle's tonight?
MS. CARTMAN: I don't think so, darling. We have a big day tomorrow, and you need your sleep.
Cartman throws an incoherent screeching fit.
CARTMAN: Mom, I WANNA SLEEP OVER AT KYLE'S! EEEEH! IHHHH!
MS. CARTMAN: All right, pooky pie. But first I'll have to talk to his mother.
She picks up the phone and dials.
CARTMAN: Hee hee hee... our plan is going flawlessly.
The scene freezes, and shrinks until it becomes the upper left quarter of the screen. The other three are darkened. The upper right quarter shifts to become the inside of Kyle's house. KYLE and MRS. BROSLOVSKI are talking.
MRS. BROSLOVSKI: Ill have to talk with their mothers.
She picks up the phone and dials. We hear a busy signal. The scene freezes and the lower left corner becomes the inside of Stan's house. Again, STAN and MRS. MARSH are talking.
MRS. MARSH: I'll have to talk to his mother.
She dials. We hear a busy signal. The scene freezes, and the lower right quarter shifts to the inside of Kenny's house. KENNY stands alone.
KENNY: (Hey Dad?)
Shot of MR.MACCORMICK, lying in a heap of scotch bottles. Shot of KENNY. He shrugs and goes out the door. Scenes start to take up the whole screen again; cut to the inside of Kyle's house.
MRS. BROSLOVSKI: It's busy. If I can't talk to their mothers, I suppose it can't happen.
She leaves.
KYLE: Dammit! If this was the movies, that would have worked. Now I have to use my backup plan.
He phones Stan.
KYLE: Did your mom say it was OK?
STAN: No, the cruel bitch overlord.
KYLE: Get Kenny and fat-ass, and come over anyway. I have a backup plan.
Outside Kyle's house, STAN, CARTMAN and KENNY walk up the driveway. STAN rings the bell. KYLE opens it, and they all come in. Scene changes to the inside; they are all standing by the door. We hear MRS. BROSLOVSKI's voice, offscreen.
MRS. BROSLOVSKI (O.S.): Kyle buboleh, who's at the door?
KYLE: Er... um.. uh... Jehovah's Witnesses.
MRS. BROSLOVSKI (O.S.): Gerald! Gerald! Jehovah's Witnesses!
MR. BROSLOVSKI (O.S.): Again?
MRS. BROSLOVSKI (O.S.): Yes!
MR. BROSLOVSKI (O.S.): Oy gevaldt!
MRS. BROSLOVSKI (O.S.): Kyle, stall them! We'll get out through the back door!
Sounds of the Broslovskis escaping. STAN, KENNY and CARTMAN come through the door.
STAN: That was neat!
KYLE: Grownups are so easy to manipulate.
STAN: Well, let's go do something.
Shot of TV screen. TERRANCE is standing in front of a brick wall with a microphone, ala a standup comic.
TERRANCE: So, how about those beans, eh?
The audience hoots and hollers. TERRANCE takes the mike and holds it up to his ass. An amplified and distorted fart sound that sounds vaguely like a trumpet ensues.
Angle on the kids, sitting on the couch and watching the TV. They erupt in laughter. The doorbell rings.
STAN: I'll get it.
He goes to the door and opens it. It's WENDY.
STAN: Oh... hi.
WENDY: Hi, Stan.
STAN struggles visibly to hold back puking. WENDY enters and closes the door. They enter the TV room. A farting noise and enormous canned laughter.
CARTMAN: What the hell are you doing here?
STAN: Chill, I invited her.
CARTMAN: Why'd you go and do that? After all the pain and suffering she's caused us...
STAN: What?
CARTMAN: You know, she's always pissing us off with her singing... and then she tortured us with that crappy movie...
A pause.
KYLE: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
CARTMAN: You know, she sings like a screechy bitch, and her movie completely sucked.
STAN: You're thinking of the Spice Girls.
CARTMAN: Oh yeah... but she's still a hippie skank.
WENDY walks over and smacks him. She sits down and starts to watch TV.
Angle on the TV again, same scene as before.
TERRANCE: Philip... could you come up here?
PHILIP comes on stage. He farts loudly; they both laugh for five seconds.
TERRANCE: Did something crawl up your ass and die?
Enormous burst of laughter. Shot of the kids again. KYLE wipes tears from his eyes.
KYLE: After so many seasons, it's still fresh and new!
WENDY: It works on so many levels.
Shot of KYLE talking into the phone.
KYLE: Hello, is Bill there?
He listens for a few seconds.
KYLE: I'm sorry sir, wrong number.
He hangs up and dials again.
KYLE: Hi, can I talk to Bill?
He listens.
KYLE: Sorry sir, I must have had the wrong number.
He hangs up and dials again.
KYLE: Hi, is Bill around?
He listens.
KYLE: But I have checked with information sir... well I promise it won't happen again.
He hangs up.
KYLE: Okay, it's your turn.
CARTMAN dials.
CARTMAN: Hello, this is Phil calling. Have there been any calls for me?
He hangs up and laughs for a while, then notices nobody else is laughing.
STAN: Cartman, you bung-tube!
CARTMAN: What?
KYLE: You said 'Phil'! You ruined the call!
KYLE grabs the phone and dials.
KYLE: Please excuse my friend. He's a stupid *BLEEP*ing fat-ass.
He listens.
KYLE: Well, thanks for your cooperation.
KENNY: (Here, let me try one.)
KENNY picks up the phone and dials.
KENNY: (Hi, how about we mmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmmmm, mmm mmmm mmmmmm mmmm, mmmm mmmmmmm mmm.)
FEMALE VOICE (O.S.): You sick pig!
KENNY snickers. Everyone else shies away from him.
Shot of everyone sleeping in sleeping bags. We hear a very faint noise that can just be made out as the Japanese guy singing in Mecha-Streisand. His eyes snap open. There's a dim view of Mecha-Streisand reflected in his eyeballs for a second. He starts to breathe quickly and loudly, waking WENDY. She crawls over to him.
WENDY: Stan, what's the matter?
STAN: It's nothing.
WENDY: Come on, you can talk to me.
STAN: All right... you remember when we went on that field trip to the archaeological dig?
WENDY: Yeah?
STAN: Cartman was even more psychotic than normal that day...
Fade to the part of the Mecha-Streisand episode where PIP finds the arrowhead. It's in black and white. Continue through the part where PIP and CARTMAN ro-cham-bieu for it, and fade back to the present after CARTMAN says he doesn't actually want it.
STAN: That's when the trouble started.
Fade to the part when CARTMAN digs up the triangle, and throws it away. Again, it's black and white. Continue through the part where KYLE finds it, and they argue about whose it is. Fade back to the present after the part where the archaeologist says it's thousands of years old.
STAN: After that, Cartman couldn't rest until he had it. Finally...
Fade again, to the part where CARTMAN breaks in. Like every other flashback in this episode, it's black and white. Fade back after CARTMAN dances out the door,
STAN: There was more going on than we knew.
Fade back to the part where LEONARD MALTIN meets CHEF in the cafeteria and asks if Barbra Streisand had been seen recently. Go back to the present at the end of the scene.
STAN: She'd already caught us, though.
Fade to the part where BARBRA STREISAND is questioning the kids. After she starts torturing them by singing, go to the scene where CHEF and LEONARD MALTIN are driving in the car, and LEONARD MALTIN explains what's going on. After he senses that she's near, fade back to the present.
STAN: But they were too late.
Fade to the part where CARTMAN finally gives in and produces the triangle from his sock. Continue through BARBRA STREISAND forming the Diamond, and becoming MECHA-STREISAND. Fade back to the present after STAN goes 'This is pretty *BLEEP*ed up right here'.
STAN: It was the worst thing to ever happen to our mountain town.
Fade to various scenes where MECHA-STREISAND is wrecking the town. Fade back just before LEONARD MALTIN comes.
STAN: Then, we started to fight back.
Fade to the part where LEONARD MALTIN enters, and becomes SUPER-MALTIN. Continue through the part where SIDNEY POITIER enters, talks to CHEF, then begins MEGA-POITIER, and through the point where the two battle MECHA-STREISAND and get their asses kicked. Fade back just before ROBERT SMITH comes.
STAN: We had some special help.
Fade to the part where ROBERT SMITH comes. Continue through everything that happened; fade back when ROBERT SMITH ro-cham-bieus CARTMAN and walks off into the sunset.
STAN: The battle was won, and we did the right thing in the end.
Fade back to the part when they put the Diamond in the trash, and walk away only to have IKE get into the trash. At the part where they scream 'Aaah! Mecha-Ike!', it stops being clips and is new material, although still black and white. ROBERT SMITH flies out of the air and delivers a kick to the side of MECHA-IKE's head. IKE goes flying through the air, growing gradually smaller. He hits the ground, and part of the diamond does too. The other part keeps on sailing.
ROBERT SMITH: Well, I suppose this is farewell again.
He flies straight up into the air, out of sight.
Angle on the triangle, flying straight into the horizon. After 5 seconds, back on the kids.
KYLE: Gee, where do you think it'll end up?
CARTMAN: Who cares? That bitch was bad news. There's no way it could fall into the hands of anyone worse.
Back on STAN and WENDY.
STAN: But it was the scariest day of my life. I don't think it'll ever stop haunting me.
WENDY: Stan, it's over now. She'll never come back.
Caption: Later. Angle on the diamond from above. It shoots past various cities and things, then begins to slow down. It passes the big HOLLYWOOD sign. Angle on a guy standing on a Hollywood sidewalk.
HOLLYWOOD GUY: Maps to movie stars' homes! (He repeats it in several different languages.)
Some Japanese tourists come up to him.
JAPANESE TOURIST: (Says something Japanese-sounding.)
HOLLYWOOD GUY: (Something else Japanese-sounding.)
He hands the tourist a map. The triangle smashes into the tourist's head and flies into the air again.
JAPANESE TOURIST: Chin ko yaro!
Angle on the triangle, flying through the window of an expensive townhouse. Inside, it smashes LEONARDO DICAPRIO in the head and falls to the ground.
DICAPRIO: Hey, what the hell is this?
End of Act 1.
Angle on the Mayor's office. The MAYOR is inside, along with her ASSISTANTS. The phone rings. The MAYOR picks it up.
MAYOR: Yes, it is.
She listens.
MAYOR: Leonardo Dicaprio's agent?
She listens.
MAYOR: Oh, my God!
She listens.
MAYOR: Anything you want! We'll make you very welcome!
She listens.
MAYOR: Cookies and milk? Sure! And thank you!
She hangs up.
MAYOR: Leonardo DiCaprio is coming to South Park to meet his fans! This is a chance to put ourselves on the map! We can show everyone that we're not just a little piss-ant, white-bread mountain town!
ASSISTANT: Or at least that you're not just the mayor of a little piss-ant, white-bread mountain town.
MAYOR: Yes! Publicity!
Cut to the town square. The MAYOR is standing there, surrounded by townspeople setting up festivities.
MAYOR: Come on people, we have to turn this place around! We have to get ready for Leonardo's tastes!
A truck drives up, and a truck driver comes out.
TRUCK DRIVER: Merry-go-round goes where?
Brief shot of the outside of the school. Cut to Mr. Garrison's classroom.
GARRISON: Now boys and girls, we have a very special visitor coming tomorrow.
MR. HAT: That's right, Mr. Garrison. Leonardo DiCaprio is coming to our town!
All the girls in the class make cooing noises; all boys make gagging noises.
WENDY: Leonardo DiCaprio... aah...
CARTMAN: DiCrappio? Why's he coming here?
GARRISON: Eric, Mr DiCaprio has hundreds of fans here...
Brief shot of all the girls swooning. CARTMAN: Yeah, and there's just as many DiCrappio haters!
GARRISON: Eric, do you need to sit in time out until that attitude is under control?
CARTMAN: No, Mr. Garrison.
KYLE: Cartman's right. Everyone hates him.
BEBE punches KYLE in the head.
KYLE: Ow, you bitch!
GARRISON: Kyle!
KYLE: What?
GARRISON: What do you say?
KYLE: No, I already said she was a bitch.
GARRISON: Kyle, say sorry you little freak!
KYLE turns to BEBE.
KYLE: I'm sorry you're such a bitch. It's probably not your fault.
GARRISON: That's it, mister. You need some time out!
KYLE: Dammit!
KYLE gets up and walks over to the corner.
MR. HAT: Boys and girls, we can learn a lesson from this.
STAN: So what you're saying is that she's not a bitch.
GARRISON: Exactly.
STAN: But you're a bastard.
MR. HAT: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
GARRISON: Time out, Stanley.
STAN gets up and walks over to the corner.
STAN (muttering): Bastard.
KYLE: (muttering): Bitch.
STAN: This sucks. Let's get out of here.
KYLE: Gladly, dude.
While GARRISON drones on in the background, KYLE and STAN slip out the door. KENNY sees them go.
KENNY: (Hey you guys, wait for me!)
They stop.
KENNY: (Garrison, you're a gay prick!)
GARRISON: Time out, you disobedient little monster.
KENNY gets up and goes out with KYLE and STAN.
Angle on the outside of the South Park Airport. A plane is coming in. Cut to the runway; the plane lands and the ladder comes out of the side. About ten people come out, forming a protective circle. LEONARDO DICAPRIO is in the middle of the circle along with his agent.
DICAPRIO: Is my hair okay?
AGENT: Leo baby, you look great! Magnificent! Superb!
DICAPRIO: No Tom, tell me the truth.
AGENT: You look fantastic! Incredible! Amazing!
DICAPRIO: No, I know there's something wrong with my hair!
AGENT: You look wonderful!
DICAPRIO: That's it. You're fired!
The AGENT goes back into the plane. Another person comes out of the entourage and walks beside him.
AGENT: Hi, Leo baby. I'm Tom's replacement, John.
Pull back to reveal a huge crowd by the airplane, held back by fencing. OFFICER BARBRADY is standing by the fencing. Angle on the crowd and BARBRADY.
BARBRADY: No contact with Leonardo DiCaprio!
WOMAN: Hey look over there, officer.
She points off to the left. Barbrady looks there. Brief shot of a building with a sign that says AIRPORT DONUT BAR.
BARBRADY: Hey, look at that! A murder!
He runs off in the direction of the donut bar.
STAN, KENNY and KYLE pop out of the crowd and crawl under the fence while the crowd tries to beat it down. They approach DICAPRIO.
KYLE: I can feel something bad going on. This isn't right.
Closeup of DICAPRIO. He looks evil. Pan down to his chest; he's wearing the other half of the diamond as a pendant. He rubs it a few times.
KYLE: Oh my god.
STAN: What?
KYLE: Look at his chest...
STAN and KENNY look.
KENNY: (That fruit, he's wearing a necklace.)
KYLE: It's not a necklace.
STAN looks again.
STAN: Holy crap!
KYLE: When Cartman said nobody was as bad as Barbra Streisand, he forgot one man.
STAN: Man? He looks androgynous to me.
KYLE: You know what I mean, you turd-grappler!
STAN: Fart-goblin.
KYLE: Come on, let's investigate.
They slip into the mob surrounding DICAPRIO. He notices them.
DICAPRIO: Are you part of my entourage?
KYLE: What's an entourage?
DICAPRIO: My friends!
KYLE: Um... yes.
STAN: What's that thing you have around your neck?
DICAPRIO: Don't touch it! It's, ah, rare Brazilian crystal. That's it, yeah.
Closeup of the triangle. It glows with a strange inner light.
DICAPRIO: Unlimited power will be mine... all mine!
KYLE: Well, it looks very nice on you.
DICAPRIO: Thanks. Would you like an autographed 8 by 10 glossy?
KYLE: No.
DICAPRIO: You little bastard! Everyone likes me except you, you stupid little bastard!
STAN: Oh, sorry. We'll have one, I guess.
DICAPRIO: You're lucky I'm so nice... and I'm pretty too... and everyone likes me... and I have so much money... I'm so great... everyone likes me... Oh yeah.
He produces a pen and an 8 by 10 glossy.
DICAPRIO: What are your names?
STAN: Stan.
KYLE: Kyle.
KENNY: (Kenny.)
DICAPRIO signs the glossy and hands it to STAN. Stan looks at it briefly. Angle on the glossy. It's inscribed 'To my fans Dan, Lyle and Benny, best wishes, Leonardo DiCaprio.'
STAN (muttering): What a moron.
DICAPRIO: What?
STAN: Thanks!
DICAPRIO: Well, I'm off to meet my fans. All of you have to came because I could get assassinated.
KYLE: That would sure solve a lot of problems.
DICAPRIO: What?
KYLE: Just clearing my throat.
STAN looks more closely at the glossy. Suddenly the eyes become spinning spirals, ala hypnotism.
STAN: Must resist... no...
KYLE: What's wrong, dude?
KYLE looks at the glossy, then quickly grabs it and throws it on the ground. The eyes become eyes again.
STAN: That was close. I knew something weird was going on.
A big stretch limo pulls up; everyone gets in. It drives off just as the fans manage to smash the fence down and run out. Angle on the big stage that they have on the town square; the MAYOR is standing there. The limo drives up and DICAPRIO comes out, surrounded by his entourage. STAN, KENNY and KYLE come out of the limo, but just stand there.
KYLE: Kenny, you stay here and check for anything happening. Me and Stan are going to go look for clues in the limo.
KENNY: (Right.)
On the stage again.
MAYOR: People, today is a historic moment for South Park. We have a very special visitor.
DICAPRIO comes on stage.
DICAPRIO: Hi everybody.
Shot of the crowd going wild.
DICAPRIO: It's good to be here.
Shot of the crowd going even wilder as he walks down off the stage and starts to shake hands with people.
MAYOR: The chef of the school cafeteria will be giving a speech about this momentous event.
CHEF enters and picks up the microphone.
On DICAPRIO, surrounded by attractive woman fans.
On CHEF.
CHEF: We are very honoured to...
On DICAPRIO, being mobbed by even more women.
On Chef.
CHEF: It was a fine gesture for you to...
On DICAPRIO, barely visible amidst a sea of women.
On CHEF.
CHEF: Stay the hell away from my women, DiCrappio!
The MAYOR grabs the microphone from CHEF.
MAYOR: Ha ha ha... a little joke there.
On DICAPRIO, now being pounced on by the women. He smiles vacantly.
On CHEF, simmering with rage.
Back on the stage.
MAYOR: Thank all of you fans for your enthusiastic response, now Mr. DiCaprio will be signing autographs!
DICAPRIO pulls himself from the women with some difficulty and sits down at a desk. There's a huge pile of 8 by 10 glossies on it.
KENNY: (Oh no!)
The back seat of the limo. STAN and KYLE are peering at a door embedded in the seat.
KYLE: These limos are really big. Maybe this goes somewhere.
He grasps the door handle and pulls. We hear a computerised voice.
VOICE: Please say your passcode.
KYLE: Passcode?
STAN: Enter.
VOICE: Access denied.
KYLE: Open.
VOICE: Access denied.
STAN: I'm so great, and everyone likes me, and I'm really pretty, and I have tons of money.
VOICE: Personality sample identifies you as Leonardo DiCaprio. You may enter.
KYLE: Cool, dude!
The door slides open. They go through. Inside, it's a big bedroom full of expensive stuff.
STAN: God dammit, this is his car?
KYLE: Looks more like a condo. Hey, what's this?
He indicates a poster map of North America; various places are crossed out. South Park is thickly circled in red.
KYLE: He's been searching the world, for the other half of the diamond.
STAN: What did you do with it?
KYLE: I hid it, where no-one could ever find it again. A place where nobody ever looks.
STAN: You're sure it's safe?
KYLE: Absolutely.
Brief shot of the triangle, under KYLE's bed.
STAN: Where is it?
KYLE: I can't tell you. You might be an agent of the enemy.
STAN: What?
KYLE: We have proof something's going on. Let's get out of here.
STAN: What about the enemy?
KYLE: Look, I can't take any chances. My cunning hiding place can't be revealed to anyone for any reason.
STAN: Oh, all right.
KYLE: This place might be watched. We'd better split.
They go through the door and exit the limo. KENNY runs up to them.
KENNY: (He's giving glossies to everyone!)
Pull back to a wide shot of the town square, with DiCaprio signing 8 by 10 glossies. There's huge amounts of people getting in line for them and huge amounts who already have them. Angle on DICAPRIO.
DICAPRIO: What's your name?
FAN: Lucy Jones.
DICAPRIO licks the tip of his pen and begins to write.
DICAPRIO: To my fan Lucy, fall under my hypnotic spell and do my bidding, best wishes, Leonardo DiCaprio.
He hands it to her.
FAN: Thank you, thank you!
She looks at the glossy. Angle on it. Its eyes become the hypnotic spirals again.
FAN (monotone): All glory to Emperor Dicaprio!
Angle on STAN, KYLE and KENNY. A cloud of smoke appears from nowhere, and dissipates to reveal LEONARD MALTIN standing there.
STAN: Leonard Maltin! Something terrible is about to happen!
MALTIN: I suspected as much. We the keepers of the Pantheus Diamond cannot be everywhere at once, and those who wish to gather its power are many. Leonardo DiCaprio has found half of the triangle, has he not?
KYLE: Exactly, Leonard Maltin.
MALTIN: Hasha barata tolan kai!
Two more clouds of smoke appear, bringing SIDNEY POITIER and ROBERT SMITH with them.
SMITH: Now Leonardo DiCaprio has a triangle?
MALTIN: Yes, and the other is hidden in this town as well.
KYLE: Dude, this kicks ass!
Angle on Leonardo DiCaprio again. His triangle begins to glow brightly, and blue sparks constantly pop off it. He jumps on top of the desk. DICAPRIO: THE TIME IS NOW!
His eyes become the hypnotic spirals.
DICAPRIO: Block off the area!
Long shot of the town square. All the fans begin to spread out and block all the exits, trapping those inside.
Angle back on DICAPRIO.
DICAPRIO: Bring me Kyle Broslovski!
Angle on Kyle. Hypnotized fans surround him and drag him off, holding the others down. They bring him over to DICAPRIO,
DICAPRIO: Keepers of Pantheus, do anything to stop me and I will annihilate this child right now! Kyle, where is your triangle?
A beam of orange light springs from DICAPRIO's triangle and touches KYLE.
KYLE: Noooo... noooo... damn your black heart!
DICAPRIO: Tell me!
KYLE is growing pale and transparent. He struggles violently.
KYLE: All right. Stop and I'll tell you.
The light shuts off. KYLE looks normal again.
KYLE: It's under my bed, you evil *BLEEP*ing freak!
DICAPRIO: At last!
He flies off into the air. Shot of KYLE's house from a distance. The top breaks open and DICAPRIO stomps out. He's now 80 feet tall and looks sort of like Mecha-Streisand did. Electricity is constantly arcing over him.
Angle on KYLE, STAN, KENNY, SMITH, POITIER and MALTIN, being held down by fans.
ALL: Aaaaa! Mecha DiCrappio!
End of Act 2.