As BOTH of you pleaded with me to repost this, here you go.
Reservoir Park - Let's Go to Work DAN MARTIN
[NOTE: This contradicts everything that South Park has ever taught you, or at least I hope it does, or I might look like a bit of a twat. It is based more on the film and only has a passing reference to South Park. In that respect, those of you who haven't seen the film may like this fic more than those who those who have seen the film. Regular characters may die, oft-dying characters may not. These are mean motherfuckers. Enjoy the fic]
MAIN CAST LIST:
CHEF - JOE CABOT MR MACKIE - NICE GUY EDDIE KYLE - MR BROWN PIP - MR BLONDE CLYDE - MR BLUE STAN - MR WHITE KENNY - MR ORANGE CARTMAN - MR PINK
[South Park's little-known-about Old Abandoned Warehouse. Everyone is in black suits, like in the film. Chef is wearing his apron over his suit. Everyone has their normal hats on so we can tell them apart, except for Clyde, who doesn't have a hat anyway]
Chef: Here are your names: <points to Kyle> Mr Brown, <points to Stan> Mr White, <points to Pip> Mr Blonde, <points to Clyde> Mr Blue, <points to Kenny> Mr Orange, <points to Cartman> and Mr Pink. Cartman: Why am I Mr Pink? Chef: 'Cause you're a fat little cracker!
[Everyone laughs, minus Cartman]
Cartman: AY! Why can't we pick our own colours, you guys? Chef: No way, children. I tried that in an old cafeteria. You get four crazy crackers all fightin' over which one gets to be Mr Black. Just be grateful your podgy little butt ain't called Mr Yellow. Kyle: Yeah, but Mr Brown? That's a little to close to Mr Shit.
[Laughs]
Cartman: And Mr Pink sounds like Mr Pussy.
[Kitty walks on screen]
Kitty: Meow. Cartman: No kitty, this is my... old abandoned warehouse. Kitty: Meow. Cartman: No kitty! That's a bad kitty!
[Everyone stares at Cartman]
Cartman: Tell you what. let me be... Mr Beefcake, that sounds good. I'm Mr Beefcake. Kenny: <under his breath> No, you're Mr Fatass!
[Everyone laughs, minus Cartman]
Chef: <to Cartman> Listen, you fudged-up little chracker. You're not Mr Beefcake! Some fat kid in some other cafeteria is Mr Beefcake, you're Mr Pink! Stan: <to Cartman> Who cares what your name is, dude? Who cares if you're Mr Pink, Mr Beefcake, Mr Fatass... Cartman: AY! That's easy for you to say, Mr White, you have a cool freakin' name! Kyle: <under his breath> As opposed to Mr Pink.
[Everyone laughs, minus Cartman]
Cartman: Shut up, Mr Shit! Kyle: Mr Pussy! Kenny: Mr Fatass
[Everyone laughs, minus Cartman]
Cartman: <to Stan> If you think being "Mr Pink" is no big deal, you wanna trade? Stan: No dude, I don't wanna be some Mr Pink dude... otherwise, I'll be... Mr Pink, the... fatass homosexual. Cartman: AY! Chef: Listen children. Nobody's trading with anybody! Look, this ain't a goddamn motherfudgin' cafeteria, either stay here and keep your fudgin' name, or get the fudge out of my cafeteria. Stan: This isn't a cafeteria, dude. It's a warehouse. Chef: I know that! It's an expression! Kyle: Woah dude! Cartman: Jesus fuckin' Christ Joe, forget it. I'm Mr goddamn Pink, let's move on...
[The camera pans round the whole warehouse. Our group is in one corner, with a blackboard, showing a layout of the bank. We fade to black, and the South Park theme song starts]
[South Park City Bank. People are coming and going. Some are at booths being served by cashiers. We hear a screech of tires outside]
Stan: <off screen> Let's go over this. Mr Orange, you guard the door. Nobody comes in or goes out. Mr Brown? Kyle: <off screen> I stay in the car. Stan: <off screen> Mr Blonde and Mr Blue? Clyde: <off screen> We handle crowd control. Pip: <off screen> Right-O. Stan: <off screen> Mr Pink and myself will take the manager in the back and make him unlock the safe. We're in there for the safe. We'll be out of here in two minutes flat. Cartman: <off screen> What if they don't wanna open the safe, you guys? Stan: <off screen> Dude, these places are insured up the ass. They don't give you any shit.
[Mr Pink, Mr White, Mr Blue, and Mr Blonde walk in, each has a .357 magnum and some attitude]
[The four raise their guns at different areas of the bank. We see Kenny guarding the door]
Clyde: None of you motherfuckers move! Pip: <unauthoratively> Yes, stay still.
[Stan points a gun at the staff]
Stan: Which one of you pricks is the boss?
[A clerk points to a man]
Stan: Move it, motherfucker. Cartman: <kicks the man> Sweet.
[Stan and Cartman disappear. We're still in the main part of the bank. We cut to a shot of the underside of a desk. We see a hand closing on a button]
Pip: <unauthoratively> Freeze, lady!
[The alarm goes off]
Alarm: BRRRINNNG!!! Clyde: Oh fuck!
[The safe room. The safe door is open and the manager has his hands behind his head, Cartman has a bag in his free hand. the alarm is heard, albeit quieter]
Stan: Fuck! Let's split!
[Cartman struggles, but after jumping on the manager's head a couple of times, climbs out of a window with the bag. We hear gunshots]
[The main part of the bank, Mr Blonde's gun is smoking, and we see three corpses. Mr Blue is nowhere to be seen]
Stan: <out of breath> Where's Mr Blue. Pip: 'Allo gentlemen. He split. Stan: <sees the corpses> What the fuck? Pip: They hit the alarm, so I killed them. Stan: 'Kay.
[Stan sees Mr Orange by the door still, Mr Orange beckons to Stan, and the two of them get in the car, along with Mr Brown, who is driving]
Kenny: Get the fuck outta here!
[The car exits. For a split second, we see Mr Blonde, still in the bank]
[Outside of the bank, Mr Pink is 'waddling' down a street. He has two cops behind him]
Cop: <off screen> Freeze!
[Mr Pink keeps 'waddling' until he comes up to an intersection. He stops the first car that pulls up]
Cartman: Get out of the fucking car, bitch!
[The woman does so]
Cartman: Sweet!
[The cops fire another shot from off screen. It shatters the window]
Cartman: AY! You coulda killed me!
[Cartman hops in the car, firing two shots at the cops before he drives off in a cloud of smoke]
[A back alley. Chaos reigns. We hear people screaming, shots being fired, and police sirens. But nothing is happening on screen. Suddenly, the getaway car pulls up, Stan and Kenny get out. Kenny goes round to the driver's side door. Mr Brown falls out, blood all over his face]
Kyle: Fuck! I'm fucking dying! Kenny: Shut up, dude! People are gonna here you!
[Mr White gets out two .357 magnums and starts to reload them. When he's finished, he runs to the end of the alley as a cop car pulls up. He unloads into the cop car, massacaring everyone in it]
Stan: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here! Kenny: Shit! Stan: What, dude? Kenny: Mr Brown's fucking dead! Stan: Oh my god, they killed Mr Brown! You bastards! Kenny: Snap out of it dude, we need to split, and split fast! Stan: Yeah.
[Mr Orange and Mr White run to the end of the alley, one car zooms past, they reach the end of the alley, and stop the next car. Someone who looks strangely like Miss Crabtree is at the wheel. Mr White points the gun at the windshield]
Stan: Do I know you? Kenny: Dude! Stan: Oh, yeah... <shouting> Get out of the fucking car! Woman: What did you say? Stan: I said get out of the fucking car!
[Mr White gets in the backseat, his gun never leaving Miss Crabtree/The Driver. Mr Orange runs round to the passenger side door and opens it. Miss Crabtree/The Driver pulls a gun from the glove compartment]
Stan: Bitch's got a gun.
[She shoots Kenny in the stomach]
Stan: Oh my god, they killed Mr Or...
[Kenny shoots Miss Crabtree/The Driver and manages to crawl into the car]
Stan: Oh, never mind.
[Mr White hops out of the backseat, where Kenny now is, and into the driver's seat]
Stan: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here!
[We see the car drive off into the distance]
[The warehouse. Mr Orange is on the ground, in a bloody mess. Mr White is pacing, wondering WTF to do about this]
Kenny: <weakly> Help me, Mr White. Stan: I can't to anything until Joe gets here, Joe's the main man, Joe has the contacts, Joe organised this whole fucking son-of-a-bitch mess! Kenny: <weakly> I need a doctor. Stan: I know you need a doctor, but we ca...
[Mr Pink bursts through the warehouse door, startling both Mr Orange and Mr White]
Cartman: Was that a fucking setup or what?
[Cartman sees Mr Orange]
Cartman: Jeez, Mr Orange got shot, why doesn't that suprise me? Stan: Dude, it was a gunshot dude, really messy. Cartman: Where's the Jewish guy? Stan: You mean Mr Brown? Cartman: Yeah. Stan: Dead. Cartman: Poor piece of crap. Stan: You really think this was a setup, dude? Cartman: Freakin'-A it was a fuckin' setup! As soon as the friggin alarm went off, the cops came, I dunno if they weren't there alreay, but they sure got here real fucking quick. Stan: I haven't had a chance to think. First I had to get the fuck out of the bank, then I was stuck with this guy. <points to Mr Orange> Cartman: Well you sure as fuck better start thinking about it, because whoever set us up has probably told the cops about this place, too. Stan: We need to go through what happened. We're in the place, everythings fine, you and me are in the back room with the fuckface of a manager, gittin' the money. All of a sudden, the alarm goes off. You split... Cartman: Yeah, what happened after that? Stan: Dude, I came out of the room, and that Mr Blonde dude was there acting like a fucking psychopath, he shot at least three fuckers... Cartman: Yeah, I heard the shots. Stan: ...and that Mr Blue fucker wasn't anywhere to be seen, I heard the cops comin', so I split with Mr Orange and Mr Brown. Cartman: So what now, Mr White? Stan: Enough of this Mr White shit, dude! Cartman: Eh! Don't tell me your name, I don't wanna know. I sure as hell ain't telling you mine. Stan: How'd you get out, dude? Cartman: Had to shoot my way out, everyone was shooting, so I shot back. Stan: D'you kill anybody? Cartman: Just some cops. You? Stan: I shot a whole fucking police car-full! Cartman: Sweet. Stan: The plan was to meet back here. Cartman: Then where the hell is everybody? We ain't got the slightest what happened to Mr Blue or Mr Blonde! Kenny: <weakly> You guys... Stan: Shit! Mr Orange!
[They rush over to Mr Orange. Mr White feels Mr Orange's pulse]
Cartman: <to Stan> Is it bad? Stan: As opposed to good? Cartman: <yelling> Hey, fuck you buttlicker! I'm only asking if he was okay! Stan: <yelling> Does he fucking look okay to you? You fat fuck! Cartman: Screw you hippie!
[Mr White and Mr Pink move away from one another and raise their guns to eachother's heads]
Stan: You wanna shoot me? You fat piece of shit! Take a shot! Cartman: You're acting like a first year fuckin' thief, I'm acting like a professional. If they get him, they can get you, if they get you, they can get closer to me and that can't happen! So if you wanna shoot somebody, <holsters his gun> shoot yourself! Voice: <off screen> You gentlemen should quieten down, or someone'll get hurt.
[The voice belongs to the scapegoat of the hour, Mr Blonde]
Cartman: AY! You son of a bitch! Where the hell have you been?
[Mr Blonde is silent]
Stan: Where the hell is Mr Blue?
[Mr Blonde looks at Mr Orange]
Stan: He's still alive, dude. But not for much longer.
[Silence]
Stan: We think we got a rat in our midst. Cartman: I can guarantee we got a tell-all in our little social group. Pip: What makes you think that? Stan: Is that some king of joke? Cartman: This place isn't gonna be safe for much longer, you guys. Pip: Nobody's going anywhere. Stan: What was all that shit about in the bank? Pip: And what 'shit' would that be? Stan: I'm talkin' about that shootin' spree o' yours in the bank! You almost got everyone killed! Pip: I don't like alarms, Mr White. Stan: What the hell kinda answer is that? Cartman: I can't believe this shit, both of you got nearly twenty days on me, and I'm the only one acting like a professional. Pip: You gentlemen, follow me. Stan: What for? Pip: It's a suprise. Cartman: Sweet. I love suprises!
[They exit the warehouse. Mr Orange is still laying on the floor, still in a pool of blood]
[Outside the warehouse]
Stan: We gotta move. Like Mr Pink said, this place won't be safe much longer. Pip: We're gonna sit here and wait. Cartman: What for, Frenchie? The cops? Pip: Nice Guy Eddie. Stan: What makes you think Nice Guy Eddie's ass is gonna be on its way over here? Pip: Because I just spoke to him. Cartman: You spoke to Nice Guy Eddie? Why the hell didn't you tell us? Pip: You never asked me, Mr Pink. Cartman: Hardy-fuckin'-har. Stan: What did he say, dude? Pip: To stay here. Well chaps, why don't you have a looksie at what I got for you?
[He opend the boot of his car, inside is Officer Barbrady, all tied up]
Officer Barbrady: Move along lookie lou's, there's nothing to see here. Stan: Dude, shut up.
[Nice Guy Eddie's Car]
Mr Mackie: <into a cellphone> All I know is what Mr Blonde told me, mmmkay. He said the place turned into a freakin' warzone, mmmkay.
[The warehouse. Barbrady is tied to a chair, along with Mr Pink, Mr Blonde, Mr White and of course, our near-dead friend Mr Orange]
Barbrady: How do I get myself into these situations?
[Nice Guy Eddie's Car]
Mr Mackie: <into a cellphone> Do I sound like I'm jokin', mmmkay? He's driving around with a cop in his trunk, mmmkay. I don't know who has the loot, mmmkay. Who's dead, who's alive, who's caught, who's not... I will know, mmmkay. But what do I tell these guys about Joe, mmmkay? <pause> You sure that's what he said? <pause> Okay, that's what I'll tell em. Bye, mmmkay.
[Outside the warehouse. Nice Guy Eddie pulls up alongside Mr Pink's commandeered car, Mr Blonde's car and Mr Brown's getaway car]
[Mr Mackie walks into the warehouse, everybody turns round]
Mr Mackie: What the hell is going on? Cartman: We got a cop. <gestures at Barbrady>
[Nice Guy Eddie sees Mr Orange]
Mr Mackie: Woah! This guy's all messed up, mmmkay. Stan: Duh! Cartman: We were set up, the cops were waiting for us. Mr Mackie: That can't be good. Cartman: Fuck you. I'm tellin' ya the cops had that place piling over with blue-boys. Mr Mackie: Mmmkay Mr Detective, who did it? Stan: Dude, what the hell d'you think we've been doing? Mr Mackie: You think I set you up? Stan: Well, somebody did, dude. Mr Mackie: No one did, mmmkay. You shits turn the place into a Wild West show and you wonder why the cosp show up? Pip: Where's Joe? Mr Mackie: He's on his way over, mmmkay. Say, where's Mr Brown and Mr Blue? Stan: Mr Brown's dead, dude. we don't know about Mr Blue. Mr Mackie: What, no one knows about him? Pip: Well, he's either dead or he's alive, or the cops have him or they don't. Everyone: Shut up, Pi... Mr Blonde! Mr Mackie: Someone please tell me they got the shit with them, mmmkay. Cartman: You guys, I have some. I stashed it somewhere till I was sure this place was clean. Stan: It is, but not for long. Mr Mackie: Let's go get it, mmmkay. It looks like Eric's Used Car Lot out there, mmmkay. Mr Blonde, you see these kids don't get in any trouble. <meaning Mr Orange and Barbrady> Mr Pink and Mr White, you take a car each, mmmkay. I'll follow you. When we get the stash, you two ditch the cars and we'll return here in my car, mmmkay. Let's roll. Stan: Dude, we can't leave Mr Blonde here with them. Mr Mackie: And why the hell not, mmmkay? Cartman: Because he's a fucking psycho! Pip: You see what I have to put up with? Stan: <to Pip> You're the reason the place turned into a shooting gallery. Mr Mackie: <to Mr White and Mr Pink> Just get your ass in the car, mmmkay. <to Mr Blonde> Stay here, wait till we get back, mmmkay.
[Nice Guy Eddie, Mr Pink and Mr White exit]
Barbrady: I told you I don't know anything about any setup! You can torture me if you want... Pip: Well then, I think I will. Barbrady: God dammit!
[Mr Blonde takes a knife out of his pocket]
Pip: <under his breath> Now is time to exact my revenge on th... Barbrady: What? Pip: Nothing.
[Mr Blonde puts some duck tape over Barbrady's mouth]
Barbrady: Mmmppphh mmnmnnph mmmnn!
[Mr Blonde cuts off Barbrady's ear. Barbrady rocks wildly on the chair, trying to let a scream through the duck tape with no effect. Mr Blonde waves the ear in front of Barbrady]
[Mr Blonde walks out of the warehouse. We follow him to his car. He opens the trunk and takes out a can of... suprise, suprise... gasoline]
[Mr Blonde walks back into the warehouse, carrying the can of gas]
[Officer Barbrady sees that can of gas and shakes his head]
[Mr Blonde ignores the silent protest and pours the whole can of gasoline over Barbrady. He steps back and admires his work]
[Mr Blonde takes some matches out of his pocket and lights one]
[We pan round to behind the wounded Mr Orange, who raises his gun]
[We are in Barbrady's POV, we see Mr Blonde with the match, and Mr Orange in the background]
[A bullet implodes Mr Blonde's chest, ruining his suit. It sends him forward, past Barbrady, and onto the floor, Mr Orange shoots Mr Blonde three more times]
[Mr Orange crawls to where Barbrady is, reaching up, using the chair as a way up. He rips off the duck tape]
Kenny: I'm a cop. Barbrady: Hey, I know you. Kenny: <puzzled> You do? Barbrady: Yeah. The boss introduced us. Kenny: Shit! I don't remember that. Listen, I was undercover to catch Joe Cabot. You heard him, he's on his way. We're just gonna sit here until Joe Cabot sticks his fucking head through the door.
[Nice Guy Eddie, Mr Pink and Mr White come through the door. Pan around to behind them so we see what they see: Mr Blonde lying on the ground, full of holes, Barbrady slumped in the chair, and Mr Orange, by the feet of Barbrady]
Stan: Oh my god, they killed Mr Blonde! You bastards! Mr Mackie: What the hell happened here, mmmkay? Stan: This is pretty fucked up right here! <to Kenny> Dude, what happened? Kenny: <very weakly> He went crazy, he cut off the cop's ear and he was gonna burn him alive. Mr Mackie: Who care what he was gonna do to the cop, mmmkay? <waves his gun at Barbrady>
[Nice Guy Eddie shoots Babrady in the head. The chair falls over, taking Barbrady with it. Nice Guy Eddie walks up to Barbrady and shoots him again]
Stan: Woah dude! Cartman: Kickass! Stan: Mr Pink, that is not kickass, Nice Guy Eddie killed a cop. Mr Mackie: It don't make sense, mmmkay. I don't buy it. Kenny: <weakly> Okay, you're right, I'm lying. Even though I'm about to die I'm not above lyin' to someone who's sticking a gun in my face. I shot him 'cause I didn't like his hairstyle. I didn't like his shoes either. If it had just been his hair, I'd've maybe, let him live. But hair and footwear together? He's a goner. Mr Mackie: Why don't you tell me what really happened, mmmkay? Voice: <off screen> It'll just be more bullshit.
[We see Joe Cabot standing in the doorway. He walks toward the group. He points at Mr Orange]
Chef: This cracker set us up. Cartman, Stan, Mr Mackie: What? Chef: I said this cracker's workin' with the cops. <to Kenny> Isn't that right? Kenny: <weakly> I don't know what you're talking about. Stan: <to Chef> I don't know, dude. he seems okay to me. Chef: You don't know fudge. This cracker tipped off the cops and got Mr Brown and Mr Blue killed. Cartman: Mr Blue's dead? Chef: Dead as an abandoned cafeteria. Stan: Oh my god, they killed Mr Blue! You bastards! Cartman: How do you know all this? Chef: Information that was meant to arrive sooner. It didn't. <to Kenny> You fudged up little cracker! You picked the wrong cafeteria!
[Joe whips out his .44 and points it at Mr Orange. Mr White brings his .357 up at Joe]
Mr Mackie: Have you lost you mind, mmmkay?
[Nice Guy Eddie raises his .44 to Mr White]
[Joe never takes his eyes off Mr Orange]
Chef: <to Nice Guy Eddie> Don't worry, little cracker. Me and Mr White have been pals for a long time. He ain't gonna do it. Stan: If you shoot him, you die next!
[Mr Pink slides away into the background, clearly wanting no part of this]
[Nobody says anything]
[Joe fires two shots at Mr Orange, both of them hitting him. Mr White shoots Joe in the face, Joe drops his gun and clutches his face]
Chef: Ow!
[Nice Guy Eddie fires his gun at Mr White, hitting him three time in the chest. Mr White brings his .357 round to Nice Guy Eddie and shoots him]
Nice Guy Eddie: Ow, mmmkay!
[Nice Guy Eddie collapses, dead. Joe's dead. Mr Orange is dead. Mr White is shot full of holes, he has dropped to his knees, but he's not moving]
Stan: Bye dude!
[Mr White collapses. Mr Pink grabs the bag of cash and makes a run for it]
Cartman: Turns out being Mr Pink was pretty sweet after all!
[We hear sirens as police cars pull up. The camera stays in the warehouse, looking at what just happened]
Cop: <off screen> Don't make a move! Cartman: <off screen> Aw! Son of a bitch!
[end]