Puberty: A Halloween Fic by Andi
[Warning and Halloween version of theme song, plus a little yellow box that pops up which reads "Special Guest Star: Brad Dourif as the evil possessed toy".]
[Cut to: A foggy, creepy area in the middle of the woods.]
[We see a dark figure running through the woods in the middle of the night. The light of a glowing full moon casts a shadow over the figure, but that's all of it that can be seen. It kind of looks like a man, only with pointy ears and a tail. Then the figure suddenly comes into view. It's a... ((dum dum DUM!)) werewolf! It lets out a long, piercing howl and quickly attacks a small animal, rips it apart, and starts eating it. All of a sudden, red and blue lights flash all around and a siren blares loudly. Barbrady's squad car pulls up to the feasting werewolf.]
BARBRADY: What are you doing?
[The werewolf stops eating and looks up curiously.]
BARBRADY: You aren't out T.P.ing houses, are you? It is, in fact, Devil's Night, you know.
WEREWOLF: [tilts head to side] Hmmph?
BARBRADY: [sees what werewolf is doing] Ohh, oh, I'm sorry for interrupting your meal. I thought you were some rotten punk who was going tic-tac-ing! [laughs] Well, carry on.
[Barbrady drives off into the night, leaving the werewolf to stare in wonder. It then shrugs and goes back to eating.]
[Cut to: Bus stop.]
[Kyle, Stan, and Kenny are standing around, dressed in Halloween costumes. Kyle has white bandages wrapped around his coat and few over his face, making him a mummy; Stan is wearing a Luke Skywalker outfit and carrying a plastic lightsaber, and Kenny is wearing a white half mask underneath his hood along with a black cape: The Phantom Of The Opera.]
KYLE: How did you afford a costume this year, Kenny?
STAN: Yeah, dude, your family's pretty poor!
KENNY: <I didn't, Wendy got it for me.>
STAN: Huh? Wendy got you a costume?
KENNY: <She felt bad for us being poor, so she gave me this mask and cape her cousin wore last year... Along with a blowjob.>
STAN: WHAT?!
[Kyle laughs; Stan's ready to punch out Kenny, but Kyle holds him back.]
KENNY: <Chill, dude, I was only kidding!>
STAN: [calms down] You better have been kidding!
KYLE: [tries to break it up] Dudes, by the way, where's Cartman? The bus is gonna be here soon.
KENNY: <Maybe he's having another tea party with his dollies.>
[They all laugh.]
KYLE: Yeah!
[Cartman then walks up, decked out in a blonde wig, make-up, fishnet stockings, high heels, and a sleeveless pink gown.]
CARTMAN: Hey, dudes.
[Kyle, Kenny, and Stan all burst out laughing again; Kenny is rolling on the ground, because he's laughing so hard.]
CARTMAN: AY! Now tell me just what is so goddamn funny!
KYLE: [between snickers] Fat-Ass, why the Hell are you dressed like a girl?!
CARTMAN: Ah am *NOT* dressed as ah girl.. This is mah Halloween costume!
STAN: What are you supposed to be.. RuPaul?
[The other three burst out laughing again.]
CARTMAN: NO! Ah-- [pauses] Now what the Hell is wrong with being RuPaul? Mah Ma said ah would have the scariest costume in town!
KENNY: <Haha, everyone is gonna make fun of you!>
CARTMAN: No they won't! You gahs are just jealous because ah've got such a sweet costume! I mean, look at you, Kyle! What are *you* supposed to be, a roll of toilet paper?
KYLE: No, I'm a mummy, dumb-ass!
[The bus rolls down the street. Ms.Crabtree opens the door.]
MS.CRABTREE: C'mon, we're running la-- [sees Cartman's costume, pauses, then bursts out laughing]
[Cut to: South Park Elementary]
[Kyle, Cartman, Stan, and Kenny are ready to enter Mr.Garrison's class. When they do, though, surprisingly noone starts laughing at Cartman. Instead, the children are all gathered around Clyde.]
KYLE: What the Hell is going on, dude?
STAN: I dunno.
[The boys walk over to Wendy, who is wearing dark lipstick, a black 'Morticia' dress, and a black wig w/white streaks in it.]
STAN: Wendy, what's happening?
WENDY: Didn't you guys hear? Clyde was attacked by a huge dog this morning! His arm is all chewed up and everything!
CARTMAN: Dude, that's sick!
[Wendy glances over at Cartman, finally noticing his costume. She starts laughing her ass off.]
WENDY: [between giggles] Oh.... My..... GOD, Cartman! What are you, a transvestite or something?!
[Kyle, Kenny, and Stan laugh at this comment. Most of the other kids take notice of Cartman and start laughing, too.]
CARTMAN: NO! Shut the Hell up, hippies! This is mah sweet RuPaul costume!
[This only makes Wendy laugh harder. Kyle and Stan walk over to Clyde, and see that his arm is all bloody.]
KYLE: Gross, dude!
CLYDE: [trying not to cry] I was walking to school and all of a sudden, this big, brown dog came up and tried to kill me!
CARTMAN: [walks over; laughs] Haha, you're a wuss!
STAN: Shut up, Fat-Ass!
CARTMAN: Ah'm not fat! This dress is just a little too big, that's all!
CLYDE: [looks up from his injury and despite the pain, starts to laugh, also] You look like a hooker!
KENNY: <Yeah, like his Mom!>
[The others laugh, and Cartman gets red in the face.]
CARTMAN: AY! Ah don't have to take this crap from you jealous assholes! Screw you gahs, ah'm going home.
[Cartman starts to walk over to the doorway, but Mr.Garrison, wearing a Bill Clinton mask, blocks his exit by entering.]
MR.GARRISON: Okay, okay class, settle down and take your seats.
CLYDE: But Mr.Garrison, I need to go to the nurse's office! [He holds up his arm]
MR.GARRISON: My lord, Clyde, you need to go to a hospital, not the nurse's! Come with me! [He grabs Clyde's good arm and drags him down the hall.]
[Cut to: Outside shot of Hell's Pass Hospital. Lightning flashes. Then the shot goes to inside the emergency room.]
[Dr.Doctor and Nurse Goodley are in a room with Clyde and his parents. Clyde has gauze wrapped around his arm, and has noticiably grown some more hair, along with some fuzz around his chin and mouth. Little bristles of hair are poking out of his shirt sleeves.]
MRS.GOODMAN: Is he going to be alright, doctor?
DR.DOCTOR: Yes, we cleaned out the wound and applied some peroxide to it. We took some blood tests, and the animal that bit your son was not rabid and did not have rabies, so he is safe. He'll just have to wear the bandages for a couple of weeks.
MR.GOODMAN: But what about all the extra hair he has grown in the last five minutes? And look at his teeth!
[He points to Clyde's teeth, which are no longer teeth, but fangs.]
NURSE GOODLEY: Well, it had nothing to do with the dog or whatever attacked him, because of the blood samples we took. What is happening to Clyde is simply a way of life.
DR.DOCTOR: Yes, all young men and women go through puberty one time or another. [he grins at Clyde] I see you're growing a little peach fuzz there!
CLYDE: Huh?
MRS.GOODMAN: But he's only eight!
DR.DOCTOR: [shrugs] Some go through puberty earlier than others.
[Clyde is starting to grow more facial hair at the moment, and his fangs get longer. He's now a werewolf. He suddenly jumps up and attacks a patient walking down the hall.]
PATIENT: Ahhhh!
[Clyde rips off the patient's leg and starts chewing on it hungrily.]
DR.DOCTOR: Ah, they grow up so fast, don't they?
[Cut to: Classroom]
WENDY: I hope Clyde's okay.
BEBE: Me too!
CARTMAN: Aw, who cares, Mr.Garrison's gone for now!
KYLE: Yeah!
[The class starts to cheer, but as their faces brighten up, Mr.Garrison walks back in and they groan in unison.]
MR.GARRISON: Sorry I took so long, class, but I was held up by several reporters and a strange woman in a black beret. I guess this wasn't as practical a costume as I thought it was.
STAN: Is Clyde gonna be alright?
MR.GARRISON: I called his parents and they took him to Hell's Pass Emergency Room. But anyway, let's continue today's lesson.
[Class groans again.]
MR.GARRISON: So, even though everyone thought Diana Ross was a great singer, she was really an evil spy from Iraq sent to suck everyone's brains out..
[Cut to: Halls of the hospital.]
[Clyde is running around, attacking patients. Butchered bodies lay in the hall in large pools of blood. Mr. and Mrs.Goodman watch uneasily while Dr.Doctor has a look of pride on his face.]
NURSE GOODLEY: Um, doctor.. Don't you think he's getting a little.. Out of control?
DR.DOCTOR: Nonsense! I was like that when I was his age!
NURSE GOODLEY: [sighs]
[Clyde then jumps on Dr.Doctor and begins to chew on his arm.]
DR.DOCTOR: Ow! Don't play so rough--
[Clyde knocks him down unconscious. Nurse Goodley rushes off to find help, while Mr. and Mrs.Goodman cling to each other, terrified. Clyde jumps through a window, glass shattering everywhere, and lands on all fours. He howls at the moon which is starting to rise higher, then runs off to... ((Dum dum DUM!)) South Park.]
[Cut to: Bus stop.]
[The scamps and Wendy are standing around, holding pumpkin pails and flashlights. Cartman is wearing another costume; this time a big red shirt with a 'T' printed on the front, and a Terrance mask.]
STAN: Are we all set?
OTHERS: Yep!
KYLE: Then let's go already!
[They start to walk off, but Kenny interrupts.]
KENNY: <What happened to your RuPaul costume, Cartman?>
CARTMAN: Shut the Hell up, hippie!
KENNY: <Make me, Fat-Ass!>
CARTMAN: Oh, I'll make you alright, you dirty sonofa--
[Wendy quickly dashes between them.]
WENDY: C'mon, guys, stop it. Do you wanna trick-or-treat or not?
KENNY: <Sorry, Wendy.>
WENDY: It's okay, but let's go!
CARTMAN: For once, Hippie Girl is right!
[Wendy shoots him a warning look and he quickly shuts up. The five start to walk down the road again when they hear a loud rustling in the bushes.]
STAN: What was that?
KYLE: I dunno, dude!
CARTMAN: Maybe it's a bear!
[Kenny immediately closes his hood and starts shaking.]
WENDY: Don't worry, Kenny, we'll protect you.
CARTMAN: [mocking] Don't worry, Kenny, we'll protect you!
[Wendy hits Cartman over the head with her pumpkin pail as she walks past to investigate the bush.]
CARTMAN: [rubs head] Ow, goddamn it!
[The bush starts to shake a little more as Wendy comes closer.]
STAN: Be careful, babe.
WENDY: I will..
[Suddenly, a dirty, furry, blood covered Clyde jumps out, growling angrily. Wendy screams and jumps back. Clyde slowly advances towards Kenny hungrily.]
KENNY: <Uh-oh.>
[You know the drill. The scamps and Wendy watch in horror as Clyde rips Kenny to shreds.]
STAN: Oh my God! It killed Kenny!
KYLE: You BASTARD!
[The rats come and drag Kenny's body elsewhere. Clyde looks up, his eyes glowing red. He starts to move forward.]
CARTMAN: Shit.
[Clyde extends his claws and is about to leap on Cartman, when he suddenly lets out a loud mournful howl and staggers back in pain.]
STAN: What's going on, dude?
KYLE: I think it's hurt.
CARTMAN: Well let's get the Hell outta here before it gets better!
[The boys start to rush off, but Wendy stays.]
STAN: Wendy, come on!
[A bunch of clouds are starting to cover up the moon noticiably. Some of Clyde's fur is starting to dissapear and his claws are turning into nails.]
WENDY: I'd recognize that red jacket anywhere..
CLYDE: [his voice is now normal] Owww!
KYLE: Wait-- Clyde?!
CLYDE: [spits blood out of his mouth] Yuck!
STAN: Oh my God! YOU killed Kenny!
KYLE: You BASTARD!
[Almost all of Clyde's fur is gone, and he tries to stand up, but fails.]
WENDY: Oh, Clyde.. What happened?
CLYDE: I don't know! The doctor told me it was just puberty, but.. [groans in pain] Does puberty do THIS?
CARTMAN: [pissed] You tried to kill me, you butt-licker!
CLYDE: I know.. [cries out in pain again] But I.. I can't help it!
CARTMAN: [rolls his eyes] Suuuuure.
CLYDE: All I know is that when there's a full moon, I start growing this really nasty hair, and then I kill almost everything in sight!
WENDY: We've got to get you to Chef! He always knows what to do!
[The clouds are starting to move away from the moon.]
CLYDE: Ohhh.. [moans and falls face down on the ground]
STAN: What's wrong, dude?
CLYDE: It's happening again..
WENDY: Well, then we'll just have to hurry! C'mon, we have to get you to Chef, quick!
CLYDE: It's too late.. [his nails are turning into claws]
KYLE: Dude, we don't wanna leave you here!
WENDY: Yeah, you're coming with us!
[Wendy grabs Clyde's arm and tries to drag him. His face is now being covered almost completely in fur and his fangs slide out of his mouth.]
CLYDE: Wendy, please.. I don't want to hurt you.. You have to go before I.. Before I..
CARTMAN: Before you what?... Turn into a dog again?
[Clyde is now in full werewolf form and stands on his hind legs, growling.]
KYLE: My guess would be yes!
[The kids start running as fast as they can off into town. Cartman is the slowest runner, and is way behind the others.]
CARTMAN: (whining) Hey, you gahs, wait for meeeeee!
[Clyde is catching up to Cartman and nips at his heels. Cartman squeals and throws his pumpkin pail as hard as he can at Clyde's head. Clyde slumps down against a tree, knocked out.]
CARTMAN: Heh, who says you can't learn a thing or two from a hippie!
[Cut to: Chef's house]
[Chef is wearing a leopard patterned loincloth and has a fake bone in his hair. He is in bed with two women dressed as cavewomen.]
Chef: Well baby, I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure as Hell can make your bed rock!
((Corny, huh? Sorry, I couldn't think of anything else.))
Chef: [singing] I think it's safe to say that I can make your day; Orrrrrr night, oh baby that's right; Just come on up to my luv shack and get yourself a---
[Chef is interrupted by the doorbell and the kids' frantic shouts.]
Chef: Damn it. Be right back, ladies.
[He slips on a robe and answers the door.]
Chef: What're you children doing out here so late at night?
ALL: CHEF!
STAN: Well, we were out trying to trick-or-treat---
KYLE: And then we were walking and we heard this sound in the bushes---
WENDY: And Clyde came out, only he wasn't Clyde, he was some kind of dog---
CARTMAN: And THEN, he killed Kenny, but then the asshole tried to kill me, then he turned back into his normal self because the moon was covered up and then he turned back into a dog when the moon came back but ah knocked him out in the woods and here we are! [takes a breath]
CHEF: Oh no, children, this couldn't have happened at a worse time!
[He walks back into the house; the scamps follow and shut the door behind them.]
KYLE: Why, Chef?
[Chef grabs a book off of his shelf and shows it to them.]
CHEF: This is why.
CARTMAN: [reading the cover] Biker Sluts, Issue 46?
CHEF: Whoops!
[He blushes, takes it from Cartman, and hands him another book. Stan, Kyle, and Wendy lean over to read it.]
STAN: The Cycle Of The Werewolf?
CHEF: Yes, children. Don't you see? Clyde's turned into a werewolf! Didn't you notice how strange he'd been acting?
CARTMAN: [thinking] Not really, except he was really hairy. But he said it was all puberty.
CHEF: No, no, no. [flips book open] Look at this, children. [points to picture] First you get bitten by a werewolf to become one, and then, when the moon is full, you grow fur, and fangs, and claws, and go out creating enough massacres to make 12 Freddy movies! Do you know what that means?!
CARTMAN: Clyde's a filmmaker?
KYLE: No, dumb-ass, he's a werewolf!
CARTMAN: Pfft, yeah, right, like Clyde's really a werewolf.
WENDY: No, it all makes sense! Remember when he was bitten by that dog this morning?
STAN: Yeah! It has to be right! But how do you turn a werewolf back, Chef?
CHEF: You have to kill the werewolf that bit him with a silver bullet.
STAN: We could get some guns from my Uncle Jimbo!
CHEF: Good thinking, Stan! But we need to be careful when we go out. Do you know where Clyde is right now?
KYLE: Cartman said that he knocked him out in the woods.
CARTMAN: Damn straight I did.
CHEF: Okay, well we have to hope that he stays unconscious long enough for us to kill the original werewolf. I just hope that there aren't too many other werewolves out there.
[Shot of window: Dozens of werewolves are roaming about.]
CARTMAN: This is fucking great.
[Chef runs to a cabinet and quickly pulls out some silver daggers.]
CHEF: These are collector's items, I shouldn't really be using them, but.. Aw, Hell, it'll keep the wolves off of us until we get the guns.
KYLE: Right.
[The quietly sneak out the front door, each holding a dagger. Cartman is now wearing a string of garlic around his neck.]
STAN: Why the Hell are you wearing garlic?
CARTMAN: To keep the werewolves away, duh!
KYLE: That's vampires, dummy!
STAN: Yeah, and it reeks!
[Cartman is about to go into a screeching fit, but a couple werewolves come up behind him. The others back away, wide-eyed.]
CARTMAN: What?? It doesn't smell THAT bad!
[One of the werewolves nears closer to him..]
WENDY: CARTMAN, LOOK OUT!
[Cartman whirls around in surprise, shrieks, and shoves the dagger in the werewolf, which falls down lifelessly. The other werewolf gets ready to pounce, but Cartman stabs him before he can. Out of breath, he sticks the dagger back in his pocket, and breathes noisily.]
KYLE: Whoa.
CARTMAN: That's right.. [pants] Suck on that.
[The others stare at him in amazement for a moment, and then they continue walking down the street.]
STAN: I wonder which werewolf is the one that bit Clyde.
CARTMAN: Maybe I killed it!
CHEF: No, you couldn't have, children; 'cause if it was, all these werewolves would be turned back to normal people.
CARTMAN: [mumbles something incoherant]
WENDY: Hey, Stan, there's your uncle's gun shop!
[Everyone quickly rushes up to Jimbo's Guns, but are greeted by three gunshots.]
STAN: [calling out] Uncle Jimbo, it's us!
[Another gun shot, then silence.]
CARTMAN: *Goddamn* it, you fucking *pussy*, stop shooting at us and OPEN UP THE FUCKING DOOR BEFORE I KICK YOU SQUA' IN THE NUTS!!
[Jimbo and Ned crack open the door a little and peek out.]
JIMBO: Stanley.. Eric.. Is that you?
CARTMAN: Oh, no shit, Sherlock.
STAN: Uncle Jimbo, why were you guys shooting at us?
JIMBO: I'm sorry, Stanley, it's just with all these werewolves around, it's hard to see anyone else normal in town. Me and Ned here probably would've shot yer asses clear to Vegas! [chuckles; Stan looks nervous] But luckily, we recognized your fat friend's bitching--
CARTMAN: AY!
CHEF: We came to get some guns and silver bullets.
[A third head with reddish brown hair pokes out behind the door and observes the situation.]
NORA: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
STAN: Dude, that's my line!
KYLE: What's THAT supposed to mean?
STAN: I.. I... [looks dejected] I have no idea.
[Wendy runs up to Nora and they hug.]
NORA: What's going on?
WENDY: Werewolves are--
NORA: I know that, but.. [sighs, frustrated] The question is *how*. How the HELL did South Park get infested with all these hairy psychos?
KYLE: Your guess is as good as ours.
NORA: [thinks] Wellll...
STAN: [interrupts] We don't wanna hear it.
NORA: Oh. [looks dissapointed] Anyways, all we can do is shoot at the lil' bastards and hope for the best, right Uncle Ned?
NED: Mmmmright.
[Nora ducks back into the shop a moment, then returns out again, her arms holding several scary looking guns. As she steps out and passes out guns, her costume is noticed: Goth make-up, combat boots, fishnets, and a leather jacket over a white wedding dress.]
CHEF: [inspects gun] So, um, what're you supposed to be?
NORA: The bride of Chucky.
CARTMAN: Wait.. Wasn't she blonde?
NORA: [practically screaming] BRUNETTES ARE BETTER!
STAN: *Dude!* Calm down, Nora!
NORA: 'Kay. [blinks and takes a sip of vanilla frappucino]
CARTMAN: [whispered to the other scamps] She scares me more and more every day.
KYLE: [whispered] Yeah.
NORA: [looks up] Huh?
CARTMAN: Nothing, nothing at all.
NORA: Oh. [shrugs and takes another sip] Have you guys seen Tweek around anywhere?
[In the background, a werewolf with spiky fur wearing a grey shirt can be seen dashing around frantically.]
STAN: Nope.
[Chef can be seen looking back at the woods. He spots a couple werewolves roaming about and cocks his gun. He starts to walk off in that direction.]
CARTMAN: Hey, where are you going, Chef?
CHEF: I'll be right back, children..
[Chef exits. The kids and Jimbo and Ned look at each other uneasily for a moment, then shrug.]
JIMBO: Welp, let's get going.
[The group walks down the road. Jimbo, Ned, and Nora shoot almost everything in sight.]
VOICE: [O.S.] OWWW!!
NORA: Whoops. [slightly embarassed] Sorry, Mr.Hawkins. I'll, uh, pay for that after all the killer werewolves die, and stuff. [silence] Well, um, bye.
[Nora starts to walk off. The others stare at her.]
NORA: What?!
[The others continue to follow her down the street. A blonde lady runs past them, screaming, with a werewolf at her heels.]
KYLE: [lamenting] Why can't we *ever* have a normal Halloween, where we can go trick-or-treating, and get alot of candy, and go home and eat it till our stomachs explode, huh? [getting pissed] Why is it that every year some monster or evil fish from a parallel universe or something has to come and fuck everything up?! I mean, the past two years we had to deal with brain-eating zombies and evil twins, and blahdy-blahdy BLAH!
CARTMAN: Don't forget the year before that; when Ike swallowed a radioactive pumpkin seed and turned into Jack-O Junior!
KYLE: Yeah, that too. [screams at sky] WHY, GOD, WHY??
[A lightning bolt crashes down and narrowly misses Kyle.]
JESUS: [O.S.] SHUT UP!
KYLE: [frightened] Oookay..
[Meanwhile, something has gotten Jimbo and Ned's attention. They look off and see a 'deer' running in the distance.]
JIMBO: Look, Ned, a deer! Isn't it beautiful? Look at it's beauty, it's grace.. THIN OUT THEIR NUMBERS!
NED: Mmmthin out their numbers!
[The two anxious hunters run after the 'deer' and start firing at it madly. Somehow, though, it doesn't collapse, like any other animal they shoot usually does. Then, a 'bear' pops up.]
JIMBO: [slightly confused] Hey, Ned, it's a... Bear? [shrugs] Thin out their numbers!
NED: Mmmthin out their numbers!
[They both aim carefully and shoot at it dozens of times, but, like the 'deer', it doesn't fall over.]
JIMBO: What the Hell?
[The kids look over at Jimbo and Ned, confused as well.]
WENDY: What's happening?
NORA: I don't kn-- Hey, waiiiit a minute!
OTHERS: What?
NORA: I once saw this one Bugs Bunny cartoon, where.. [slowly realizing] HOLY SHIT! UNCLE NED, JIMBO, LOOK OUT!
[Suddenly, a large net falls over the two bewildered hunters.]
NED: Mmmwho turned out the lights?
JIMBO: Hey! What the Hell's going on?!
[A large werewolf jumps out from behind a tree and starts laughing histerically, ((Don't ask me how a werewolf can laugh.. I mean, there's no such thing as werewolves, anyway!)) pointing at Jimbo and Ned. ((What the werewolf is 'saying' is going to be shown in a caption, like how the visitors speech was in Cartman Gets An Anal Probe. Like Kenny, I'm going to show their speech in these things "< >".))
WEREWOLF: <Foolish humans! You thought that you could kill me!>
[The werewolf kicks over cardboard cut-outs of deer and bears, which have several bullet holes in them.]
WEREWOLF: <Not only did I get you to waste most of your bullets, but I also have got you trapped! It's only a matter of time before all of South Park is transformed into werewolves!>
NORA: [rolls eyes] Oh, please, that net thing is sooo eighties.
[She walks over to the net and tries to pull it off, but it won't budge.]
NORA: What the..
WEREWOLF: <Stupid mortal girl. There's hot glue attached to the edges of that net.>
NORA: [sarcastic] Oh, wow, hot glue guns. [puts hands on hips] What're you gonna do now, Martha Stewart, try to stab me with a crochet needle?
WEREWOLF: [offended] <HEY! I'm on a low budget! Thanks to some cheap-ass fanfic writer..> [grumbles]
((ME: [innocently] What?))
STAN: [annoyed] Um, can we *please* try to stay in character, here? This is really messing up the fic.
WEREWOLF: [reluctantly] <Okay.>
WENDY: *Now* what do we do?
NORA: Well, when all else fails, do what Sifl & Olly do.. Quick! Sing a really annoying song!
WEREWOLF: <Huh?>
NORA: [singing] My bum is on the step, my bum is on the step, look at me, my bum is on the step--
KYLE & STAN: [catching on] Shut yo fucking face, Uncle Fucka--
WEREWOLF: [clutching ears] <Nooooooo...>
WENDY: [singing] Heyyyy, macarena--
CARTMAN: [singing] MmmmmmBOP--
WEREWOLF: [staggering back in pain] <AGH! Must... Resist... Annoying... Songs...> [makes a break for it off in the woods]
KYLE: Damn it, he got away!
NORA: That's okay, we just gotta go find 'em.
WENDY: But how?
[Nora pulls out a metal detector looking thing that has a label on it which reads, "Werewolf Detector".]
OTHERS: A-ha.
[Nora pushes the Werewolf Detector ahead of her carefully and quietly, listening. Suddenly, a loud beeping noise fills up the silence.]
STAN: Whoa, dude! It's working!
NORA: [angrily, pulls earphones from the Werewolf Detector off her head] Agh, no, some whore left their toaster oven on.
[She points to another label on the Werewolf Detector, which reads "The Super Duper Werewolf Detector! (Also detects cheese muffins, ants, and toaster ovens.)" A red button above 'Toaster Oven' is lit up.]
STAN: Ohh.
[Shot of the werewolf planting toaster ovens everywhere and smiling gleefully.]
NORA: Well, let's keep goin'.
[The group starts to walk off again, but another loud beeping sound interrupts them.]
KYLE: *Dude!*
[The red button above 'Ant' is lit up.]
NORA: Sorry. False alarm.
CARTMAN: Goddamn it!
[Cartman reaches over and grabs the Werewolf Detector from Nora, and starts smashing it angrily against a tree.]
NORA: Hey--
WENDY: *Cartman!*
[Cartman finally finishes his destruction and tosses the banged up detector over his shoulder.]
KYLE: Nice going, Fat-Ass! Now how the Hell are we gonna find the werewolf?
NORA: Aw, it's okay. The piece of crap didn't work anyway, except for finding toaster ovens, and stuff.
STAN: But, still.. [sighs] What're we gonna do now?
WENDY: How 'bout we check out the library for books on werewolves? Maybe it'll tell us how to get rid of them!
KYLE: Good thinking, Wendy! Come on, guys!
[All of the kids except Cartman start to walk off to the library.]
STAN: Come on, Cartman!
CARTMAN: Heh, like ah'm gonna go to some stupid hippie library.
[Both Stan and Kyle grab one of Cartman's arms and begin to drag him to the library, followed by the girls.]
CARTMAN: Eeeeh, you gahs, seriously! Ah don't *wanna* go to the library!...
[Cut to: Outside shot of the library, then interior shot. Stan, Kyle, Wendy, and Nora are sitting next to a large pile of books, flipping through them. Pan over to Cartman tied to a chair.]
CARTMAN: [exhausted] I hate you gahs.
WENDY: [excitedly; holds up a book] Hey, guys, look at this! [the others rush over] It has an article on werewolves! [reading] There are three ways to destroy werewolves. 1. Silver bullets and knives. 2. Singing annoying songs. And 3.. Summoning up another evil force to kill it. [sighs] I guess we're stuck with number three, guys.
KYLE: But what evil force would we summon up to kill it?
[Nora walks over carrying some sort of magazine, laughing.]
NORA: Hey guys, look what I found! A Chucky comic book!
[Stan, Kyle, and Wendy exchange glances.]
[The five are sitting outside Nora's apartment building. Nora is reading from the book "Voodoo for Dummies", and is holding Polly Prissy Pants.]
CARTMAN: Eh, I don't see why you gahs have to use Polly Prissy Pants!
WENDY: It's the only doll we could find, Cartman! Either that, or Barney!
[Wendy points to a tattered old Barney doll with one eye missing.]
CARTMAN: Ehh!! [screams and ducks down on the ground]
[Kyle starts lighting some candles and Stan is drawing a white circle with a star in it on the grass with chalk. Nora places Polly Prissy Pants in the center of the circle and starts to recite some sort of spell.]
NORA: Samhain evil kaka.. Um.. Abra cadabra, Barbra Streisand, Bob Newhart, The Teletubbies, Bill Gates, Maude, Monica Lewinsky...
[Suddenly, the ground starts to shake.]
NORA: [evil laughter] Muahaha, yes! Yes, it's working!
[The other four look at each other uneasily. Suddenly, the ground splits in half, and out pops Damien.]
ALL: Damien?
KYLE: What the Hell are you doing here, dude?
DAMIEN: I dunno, but I remember hearing the names of the nine most evil beings on Earth.. Do you want them to come and terrorize the town, or something? [glances at Nora] And Tiff, why did you dye your hair?
NORA: [getting irritated] Aghhh, my name is Nora, not Tiffany, damn it! And yes, even though Bob Newhart and the Teletubbies are extremely evil, not even werewolves deserve that kind of punishment! What I want to do is bring this doll to life. [points to Polly Prissy Pants]
[Damien stops and stares for a minute, then starts laughing his ass off. He starts to dissapear in a cloud of smoke and continues to laugh even harder.]
KYLE: Hey, that's kinda like the reaction Cartman's RuPaul costume got!
STAN: Yeah, without the smoke!
CARTMAN: Shut up!
NORA: [pissed; stomping foot on ground] Die, you cold, hea
~ * ~ AnDi ~ * ~ See ya next time, eatin the pudding..
"Here's a quarter, call someone who cares." -Jen, Downtown
"How come we have to make macawoni pitchaws?" "'Cuz thats what squirts do, now shut your pie hole!"