Hey all,
I'm back with a new fic. Like always you are all welcome to tell me what you thought about it. Even if it's bad, which I hope it isn't. <crosses fingers> :)
dave.
<legal crap>
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South Park: Fool's Rush
[Stan and Kyle are Stark's Pond.]
Kyle: So have you kissed Wendy yet? Stan: Not yet, but I'm hopin' to real soon. Kyle: I want to go on record saying how gross kissing is. Stan: I'll make sure to note that.
[They try and skip stone's across the water. But it's winter and the pond is frozen over, so the stones just slide across the ice.]
Kyle: Dude, wait! Stan: What is it? Kyle: The stone isn't a stone. Stan: Ah, I'm not in a mood for a riddle. Kyle: No, dude. The stone is really a nugget. Stan: Chicken or fish? Kyle: You have been hanging around Cartman too much. It's a gold nugget! We're rich! Stan: What's this 'we' business? I found the nugget. Kyle: And you were going to throw it away! I think I deserve half because I stopped you from throwing away a shit load of money! Stan: I found it and I not sharing it with you. Kyle: Fine, you greedy bastard!
[Aurthor's Note: That little piece of dialogue was based on a real life conversation. In fact the whole plot is based on a family vaction that my best friend came on many, many, many years ago. I was the "greedy bastard".]
[Kyle stomps off.]
[The Broslofski house.]
Kyle: <calling from the closet> Mom! Where's our shovel! Mrs. B: <from the kichten> What do you need a shovel for? Kyle: <comes into the kitchen> Because that asshole Stan found a gold nugget at Stark's Pond and I want to dig for one that is BIGGER! Mrs. B: WHAT, What, what! There's gold at Stark's Pond?! Ike: pyrite! Kyle: Be quiet, Ike! This is adult business. Now where is that ~fucking~ shovel! !
[Stark's Pond.]
[The Broslofski's are digging a hole. Pan out and see that there are hundreds of simulair holes all around the pond.]
Mrs. B: Where did you say Stanley found his nugget? Kyle: I ~don't~ know! He just had it. Mr. B: Now, Shelia, are you sure you didn't mention this to anyone? Mrs. B: What do you think I am . . . a gossip?
[A long silence punctuated by a wolf howling in the distance.]
[The Marsh house.]
Stan: Mom, where can I, uh, I mean ~some one~ get a gold nugget appraised. Mrs. M: A jeweler might do it. Why? Did you find a gold nugget and want to cash it in and not share any of the money with Kyle? Stan: Uh, em, no. Mrs. M: Oh, okay, just checking.
[Stark's Pond.]
[Two men are hiding in the bushes, watching the Broslofski's dig another hole.]
Man #1: What do think they're doing? Man #2: Do you think they know about the body? Man #1: That was in North Park. Man #2: Oh yeah, I forgot. What do you think they're searching for? Mrs. B: GOLD! ! I FOUND GOLD! !
[Her voice echoes through the mountains.]
Mr. B: So much for keeping it a secret.
[South Park Jewelers.]
[Cartman is up the street pulling a wagon filling with mining equipment. He is wearing a mining helmet instead of his usual one.]
Cartman: Did you hear? They found gold at Stark's Pond! Stan: Does the whole town know? Cartman: Duuuuhhhhhh! Stan: <thinking> I knew Kyle would blab this all around town.
[Stan goes in the shop after giving Cartman the finger.]
Mr. Green: What can I do for you, young man? Stan: I found this at Stark's Pond.
[He hands the man his gold nugget.]
Mr. Green: I'm afraid this is worthless. Stan: What are you talking about? It's a gold nugget. Mr. Green: This isn't gold. It's pyrite. Stan: What's that? Mr. Green: Fool's gold. Stan: But it's still gold, right? Mr. Green: 'Fraid not.
[Outside the jewelers.]
Stan: <thinking> Fool's gold! I yelled at my best friend over stupid fool's gold!
[Stark's Pond.]
[The people of SP are all digging for gold.]
[Stan comes by and sees what is happening.]
Stan: Shit!
[Kenny walks by with can of gold paint --I have no idea what Kenny would be doing with a can of paint-- and trips on a loose pile of dirt. The paint spills and completely covers him.]
[Some guys, who have been drinking WAY too much, see him and think he's a giant gold nugget. They run at him, waving pick-axes. For the next few minutes, they try to break apart the "nugget". It's not a pretty sight so I'll skip describing it.]
Man #1: Hey wait, this isn't a nugget! Man #2: He's right! It's little Kenny! Man #3: Oh my God! We killed Kenny! Man #1: We're bastards!
[Stan looks at the scene and shrugs.]
Stan: That's been said before.
[Kyle sees Stan from across the pond.]
Kyle: <thinking> So one gold nugget isn't enough for him.
[Stan walks up.]
Stan: Kyle, I'm . . .
Kyle: I'm not talking to you.
Stan: But Kyle.
Kyle: But nothing. You're not my best friend anymore. You're not even my friend. So get the ~fuck~ out of my sight!
[Stan walks away with his head down.]
[Chef is walking down the street with a shovel.]
Chef: Hello, children, uhh, Stan.
Stan: Hey, Chef.
Chef: What's wrong with you?
Stan: Kyle hates me because of all this stupid chunk of pyrite. <holds up his "gold" nugget.>
Chef: Pyrite?
Stan: Yeah, you know fool's gold.
Chef: Those stupid crackers got me outside in the snow for Fool's Gold!
Stan: I'm afraid it's all my fault, Chef.
[Stan walks home.]
[The Marsh House.]
[Stan enters the empty house. He sits in front of the T.V., but doesn't turn it on. Some time later, there's a knock on the door.]
Stan: Go away!
Kyle: <from outside> Stan, it's me.
Stan: If you're going to yell at me, do it from outside.
Kyle: <from outside> I'm not going to yell at you, Stan.
[Stan answers the door.]
Kyle: Chef told me about the fool's gold.
Stan: I feel like the biggest asshole in the world.
Kyle: You feel like Cartman's rectum?
[Stan cracks a smile, then starts to laugh. Kyle does the same.]
Stan: I'm sorry.
Kyle: Me too, dude.
Stan: You sound like a news group.
Kyle: <laughs> You wanna be my best friend again?
Stan: Sure, dude.
[They hug, then looked embarrassed and high-five each other.]
[end.]
[afterwards.]
[All four boys are sitting in a semi-circle. I'm sitting there with them.]
Me: What did you four learn from this fic?
Kyle: We were supposed to paying attention to stuff like that?
Me: Well, kinda.
Stan: Oh, I know what it was.
[Stan gets up and goes to a small stage, where a microphone stand has been setup. The lights go dim except for a spotlight shining on him.]
Stan: <clears his throat> I learned that this fic is based on an experience from Dave's childhood. And I learned that Dave had a really ~fucked~ up childhood. SOME ONE CALL HIM A THERAPIST!
Cartman: <pointing at me> Therapist.
[Two guards come in and drag Stan and Cartman into a backroom.]
Me: <looking at Kyle and Kenny> Any one else want to play comedian?
Kyle: I know what this fic was about.
Me: Go ahead.
Kyle: I learned that before you dump you friends, you should be sure that it's real gold instead of pyrite.
[Two more guards come in and drag Kyle away.]
Me: Kenny? Did you learn anything from 'Fool's Rush'?
Kenny: <thinks for a minute> Mmmmmghrphmmghrmmmmmm. Mhgrrrrmmmmmmmmmmpmm.
Me: Well I'm glad some one learned something from this.
[end. really!]