I should point out that this trumps the slighly larger BIG LOWERCASE H OF MODERATE NUISANCE VALUE. And how does one computer nuisance value, you ask? Simple! It's the difference between the price on the tag and the price on the register at LEChMERE!
Know why Lechmere's going out of business? It's because BIFF designed their in-store signage!
[Photo of "LEARN 'N GR0W" sign would go here if Usenet had pictures. It's in Optima, a typeface in which not only is the zero much narrower than the letter O, it's slightly shorter too! Only a B0Z0 would not notice it!]
You are not Borg. You are not Eye-Borg. Aitch and Aitch! What is Aitch! (The H of Zetar comes out of Catherine Schell's eye, and chases the Enterprise around. It goes into librarian Don Saklad's head. The left half of his face turns negative green and he begins to make noises like a street-sweeper truck with phonograph needles instead of bristles driving through a vat of tapoica pudding.)
KIRK: Oh no! The H of Zetar has destroyed the memory banks of Boston Public Library Alpha!
SPOCK: The loss to mankind is incalculable, because it's too small!
DON SAKLAD: Wwwwrrrrgggggghhh aaaarrrrggggllll bbbaaaavvvvlllpppzzzzttt!!! Ah-oo-ga, ah-oo-ga! Oop oop ort bzzt bleep WOO WOO!!!
MEADOWLARK LEMON: Hey Super Globetrotters! Crime Globe is summoning us
to play some tricky basketball to bounce our way out
of a sticky situation!THE TAPIOCANATOR: That's right, Super Globetrotters! My super-adhesive elementary school cafeteria tapioca will seal your fate!
MEADOWLARK LEMON: Help, I'm sinking!
KIRK: Spock! The badly-animated tapioca can't affect us here in the live-action segment, can it?
SPOCK: Unknown, Captain, but I believe were are in a similar yet far
more deadly predicament. We appear to be trapped in something
similar to quicksand, only far stickier.KIRK: You mean...
SPOCK: Yes, Captain, we are sinking into water with vermiculite floating on top.
KIRK: That fiend! Quick, Spock, save yourself from drowning by hanging onto my hair!
DON SAKLAD: WOO WOO!!!!
ACHILLES: Hullo, Mr. Tortoise.
TORTOISE: Why greetings, Achilles, my dear friend.
ACHILLES: What's that you're reading?
TORTOISE: It's a fascinating book on mathematics by Sir Bertrand Russell.
I'm almost up to the point where he disproves the existence of
Sir Alfred Whitehead!ACHILLES: I think Sir Bertrand was helped by his wife Helena. But anywho, that book has a fascinating perspective on the Peano Postulate.
TORTOISE: It wasn't a very large postulate, now that you mention it.
ACHILLES: Apparently Peano was fascinated with the idea of a giant H-shaped snowflake made of little Hs. Sort of an H of Hs, as it were!
TORTOISE: Lovely idea! But would it stain!
ACHILLES: I guess it would. So let's discard that idea forever as we
consider topology. Did you ever notice that a dougnut does not
actually has a hole--it merely goes around the area where the
hole WOULD be?TORTOISE: So that's why Dunkin' Donuts sells "Munchkins" and not "Doughnut Holes"!
ACHILLES: But what I don't understand is how the topolical properties
of everyday coffee cups prove that you can turn a sphere inside
out through the fourth dimension.ACHILLES: Hey, look, there are the kids from "South Park"!
STAN: You dildo!
CARTMAN: I'm not a dildo! I'm big-boned, you asswipe!
KYLE: Ha ha Cartman's a fat dildo!
CARTMAN: Fuck you! (lets a big fart, spraying little brown pieces of construction paper all over Kenny.)
KYLE: Stop farting, you prick!
STAN: I'll hold his asshole closed so's he can't fart no more!
(Stan sticks his hands up Cartman's ass.)
CARTMAN: Ow! Stop fucking with my ass, you weinerhead!
STAN: Eww, this is gross. Okay, Cartman, I'm gonna let go. Hey, my arm's stuck on a turkey bone or something...
(He pulls his arm out with a violent ripping sound, and a paper cutout of Cartman's intestines spills onto the ground.)
CARTMAN: That sound I heard had better have been my ass ripping open because Mom will kill me if it was my new church pants!
KYLE: Shut your fat face! Your intestines are really gross!
STRAY CAT: Meow. (begins eating Cartman's intestines.)
CARTMAN: Ow! The cat is eating my intestines!
STRAY CAT: Munch munch munch. BURP!
KENNY: (mumbles inarticulately)
STAN: Ha ha ha! You're right, Kenny!
(A marching band passes by, walking on Cartman's intestines. One of the Sousaphones sucks in one end of them. Cartman is pulled into the Sousaphone and comes out the other end... inside out!)
TORTOISE: I see. A new world of mathematical topology has been opened to me!
ACHILLES: Ripped open, as it were.
TORTOISE: (chuckles) Oh, what a witty yet ribald jape!
ACHILLES: Now about Cantor's diagonal argument...
TORTOISE: Oh, who cares about some silly argument. Let's talk about math!
ACHILLES: Hooray! More math!
PLEASE NOTE THAT I DID NOT WRITE THIS DISGUSTING, INFANTILE STORY. DOUGLAS HOSTADTER DID. HOWEVER, HE HAS A PULITZER PRIZE SO IT'S OKAY.
-- K.
P.S. Comedy Central refused
to air this episode of
"South Park" because it
contained math.