Psychomania By Mike Jakeman.
[insert legal waffle and copyright crap]
Another spoof fanfic from me - I personally say this is the best one yet but please tell me if you disagree...
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(Kyle's house)
KYLE Mom?
MRS BROSLOFSKI Yes Kyle?
KYLE I don't think I need a babysitter tonight when you and Dad go out.
MRS BROSLOFSKI Well I think you do. Now please, do something useful!
KYLE Mom?
MRS BROSLOFSKI Yes Kyle?
KYLE I'll be really sensible and I'll even look after Ike and-
MRS BROSLOFSKI Good! I'm glad. The babysitter will appreciate that.
[Kyle walks out of the room fuming]
(Bus Stop next day)
KYLE Guess what!
STAN What?
KYLE My Mom and Dad are going out tonight and I'm not having a babysitter! I'm gonna have the whole house to myself!
CARTMAN Sweet! We can watch the Fantasy Channel on cable!
KYLE No we can't!
CARTMAN Son of a bitch!
KYLE My mom said that I wasn't allowed anyone around!
STAN Dude, your mum sucks.
[Bus arrives]
KENNY Yeah, your mom's a stupid bitch.
MRS CRABTREE What did you say?
KENNY I said that Kyle's mom sleeps in a ditch!
MRS CRABTREE Oh. Well, that's alright then. It'd be a bit uncomfortable though. She ought to try sleeping in a bed sometime.
[Silence]
And keep the noise down back there!
CARTMAN Yes ma'am!
(School)
MR GARRISON Before I forget children, Mr Hat and I have arranged a school trip for you next Friday.
MR HAT That's right Mr Garrison, we're going to the White House!
MR GARRISON So I want those forms back in tomorrow.
[Cartman puts his hand up]
Yes Eric?
CARTMAN Will we get to see the bed where the President made sweet love to-
MR GARRISON No Eric we won't.
CARTMAN Why am I wasting mah time going to the White House then?
MR GARRISON Because Eric, you're American. And Americans are very proud of their history. And just to prove a point I am going to randomly pick a person from the class to sing the National Anthem to prove to you Eric that everyone else is proud of their country. Up you get Stanley.
[Stan stands up]
Now I want you to sing the National Anthem. And for God's sake put some passion in it.
[A spotlight zooms in on Stan and all of a sudden the tune to Tubthumping by Chumbawamba starts up.]
STAN His pants go down! But they go up again! Whenever Hillary's around!
His pants go down! But they go up again! Whenever Hillary's around!
MR GARRISON Stanley! That was horrendous! See me after class!
(Broslofski house)
MRS BROSLOFSKI Damn it! Where is that babysitter?
KYLE Maybe she decided she had better things to do?
MRS BROSLOFSKI Don't be cheeky Kyle. Okay, now your father and I are going to have to go so let the babysitter in when she arrives. Okay?
[Silence]
Okay Kyle?
KYLE Yes mom.
[Kyle's parents leave]
[Doorbell goes]
[Kyle doesn't move]
[Doorbell goes again]
[Still Kyle doesn't move]
[Doorbell goes a third time]
[Still no response]
[Babysitter walks away]
KYLE Kick ass!
IKE No, kick the baby!
KYLE Kick the baby!
[Ike goes flying through the back window]
TV ANNOUNCER Due to the developments in the Zippergate scandal there will be no Terrance and Philip this evening. Thank you.
KYLE Damn it! Now what am I going to watch?
[Kyle walks over to the video collection]
KYLE Ike's 1st Birthday party, Kyle's 2nd Birthday, Kyle's 3rd birthday party, Our Wedding, hang on what's this at the back? Psycho? Kick-ass!
[Kyle puts the video on]
KYLE Aaaagghhh!
(Bus Stop)
KENNY And then he sticks it into her and then everyone starts groaning.
CARTMAN That's Basic Instinct? I thought it was a nature programme about Lions and Tigers and stuff!
KYLE I watched a scary movie last night!
CARTMAN Of course you did Kyle. Your parents have lots of scary movies don't they Kyle? Yes, big fan of scary movies is your mom.
KYLE I did watch a scary movie fat-ass!
CARTMAN Ay! I'm not fat, I'm festively plump!
STAN What was this movie then Kyle?
KYLE Psy-Psy-
CARTMAN He can't even remember what it was called!
KYLE Psycho!
STAN Psycho? What's that about?
KENNY Cartman's mom?
CARTMAN Ay! Don't talk about my mom like that you hippie!
KYLE It's a dead scary movie. You'd have been wetting your pants!
CARTMAN Whatever.
STAN Cartman?
CARTMAN Yes?
STAN Where's all your stuff for the trip?
CARTMAN I don't need any!
STAN We're going to Washington! What are you going to do on the coach then?
CARTMAN Kenny hasn't got any luggage either, but then again that's because his family are so poor they can't afford anything!
KENNY I'm gonna kick your ass Cartman!
[Coach pulls up]
MR GARRISON Alright kids, get on.
KYLE Have you reserved Cartman two seats?
CARTMAN Ay!
(On the bus)
[Kyle and Stan are sitting behind Cartman and Kenny eating Cheesy Poofs]
KYLE Are you sure you don't want any Cheesy Poofs Cartman?
[Kyle dangles the packet over Cartman's head]
CARTMAN Yeah I w-want the C-Cheesy P-Poofs!
KYLE Maybe you should have bought some then!
CARTMAN I reckon Kenny's right we ought to have a sing-song!
PIP Oh right ho Eric!
CARTMAN I'll start. Kyle's mom's a bitch She's a big fat bitch She's biggest fat bitch in the whole wide world!
KYLE Don't call my mom a bitch Cartman!
CARTMAN Okay then. I'll sing a different song. Kenny's so poor He lives on the floor His Dad's an Alcoholic His Mom's a Chocoholic Oh yeah!
KENNY My mom is not a chocoholic!
CARTMAN Well you think of something else that rhymes with alcoholic then!
KENNY At least my mom isn't my dad!
CARTMAN Ay! Screw you, I think it's about time I went home. Stop the coach! Stop the coach!
DRIVER What the hell is going on back there?
MR GARRSION It's alright, it's just Eric having his mid-morning tantrum!
CARTMAN Ay! I'll kick you square in the nuts!
MR GARRISON That isn't a very nice way to talk to your teacher is it Mr Hat?
MR HAT Eric! Go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
MR GARRISON Yeah. So sit down Eric!
[Cartman sits down]
CARTMAN Slave's never finished Master got me working Someday master set me free!
KYLE Shut up dude!
STAN Yeah you're playing havoc with mah eardrums!
CARTMAN I'll sing if I want to.
MR GARRISON And I'll put you in detention for a year if I want to!
CARTMAN Goddamn it! ------------------------------------------------------------------------
First part pretty boring huh? Yeah well it gets better (I hope)
Comments, critisms etc, VERY welcome, go on, tell me what you think, cos if its crap and noone tells me I'll keep writing them!