Well, here's my first fic in months, and my second ever. Be kind! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------
THE NEXUS OF ALL REALITIES
by Jeremy Bleichman
<Opening theme>
<The scamps are walking through the woods to school>
Stan: Dammit, I can't believe we all missed the bus! Couldn't that fat bitch wait for us?
Crabtree <offscreen> WHAT DID YOU SAY?!!!
Stan: I said Mitch hates pus! <pause> That is really spooky.
<They are wandering through a particularly spooky area of the woods>
Kyle: I don't remember ever being in this part of the woods.
Sepulchural voice off-screen: GO BACK!
Cartman: Ay! Nobody tells me where to go!
Stan: Your mom does.
Kenny: (Don't you mean his dad?)
Cartman: Goddammit, will you just drop that!
<The branches begin to rattle>
Kyle: Dude, something's coming through!
<Kenny pulls his drawstrings tight>
<Out steps an old Soothsayer. He wears a brown robe, a long white beard, a crooked nose, and really bad teeth.>
Soothsayer: Go back from whence thou camest. Or thou shalt most certainly die.
Kyle: Really?
Soothsayer: <More of an Eric Idle voice now.>No, not really. But very nasty things will happen,I'm sure of that.
Stan: What's going on.
Soothsayer: I am the Guardian! I guard the most amazing phenomenon you have ever seen!
Kyle: Disneyland?
Stan: Vegas?
Kenny: (Liv Tyler's tits?)
Soothsayer: No, you bloody twits, I guard... The Nexus of All Realities!
Stan: The what of all what?
Soothsayer: The Nexus is the focal point of all creation! It links all the worlds that have been, all the worlds that ever will be, and even all the worlds that never were! Behold... the Nexus!
<He indicates an infinitesimal orange speck>
Stan: Dude, that's a Cheesy Poof.
Kenny: (I think he's out of his f*ckin' mind)
Soothsayer: Size matters not! Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Behold the power of the Nexus:
< He reaches for the Cheesy Poof. His hand streches out and gets sucked into the CP and comes back out with a bunch of flowers.>
Sothsayer: Eh? Eh? You see?
<The scamps applaud>
Kyle: Do a rabbit next!
<Kenny giggles evilly>
Stan: I never know what he's laughing about.
Soothsayer: Well, that's our show for today. I must get back to guarding the Nexus... Hey, where did it go?
<The scamps all look at Cartman, who has telltale orange stains on his lips>
Cartman: I have no idea what you're talking about. Seriously.
Kyle: Admit it! You ate the Nexus, didn't you, fatass?
Cartman: No, I didn't eat that goddam Nexus, dammit!
Stan: Then why do you have cheesy poof dust on your lips and fingers?
Cartman: AY! That does it! I don't have to sit here and listen to groundless accusations from a bunchof hippies and an old fart with hygiene issues! Screw you guys... I'm goin' hooooooooome.
<Suddenly his stomach starts vibrating>
Cartman: What the hell's happenning to me?
Stan: Dude, I think he's gonna puke!
Kenny: (You'd know about that, wouldn't you?)
<Cartman coughs up a claymation beagle, followed by a bald man>
Kyle: Holy crap, Cartman! I knew you were a big fatass, but you're a cannibal too?
Wallace: What's all this, then? Everything's all flat.
<enter Sparky, who starts humping Grommit>
Stan: No! Don't be indiscriminate, Sparky!
Kenny: <Doesn't look like he's complaining...>
Wallace: Cor blimey, me dog's a blinkin' poofter!
Soothsayer: Oh, this is bad. These beings are obviously from a parallel universe where three dimensions exist instead of the normal two. This means that the wall between the universes has been breached! These incursions will continue unless we act quickly! Cartman, you are currently expelling invaders from other realities through your throat, but soon they'll be coming through... YOUR ARSE!
<Dun-Dun-DAH!>
Cartman: Son of a bitch!
Announcer: Well, we'll see what happens to Cartman in Part Two, soon appearing on this newsgroup! Bye for now...
<Closing credits> -------------------------------------
Characters copyright Comedy Central, except for Wallace and Grommit who are owned by somebody whose name I don't know, and the soothsayer, who is my creation. And hey, what did you think?
Jeremy B
"Our special tonight is poached 'go to hell'"- Crow T. Robot