"South Park: Stop the Violence, Part III" by Xebot, 6/26/99 [email]
[SCENE: A TOWN COUNCIL MEETING. ALL OF THE SOUTH PARK RESIDENTS ARE THERE, EXCEPT ERIC CARTMAN.]
[THE MAYOR IS AT THE PODIUM, FLANKED BY TWO OF HER STOOGES, AND BARBRADY.]
MAYOR: Now, I'm sure you all know why I called this meeting. It has been brought to my attention that South Park is experiencing a slight increase in its Men-In-Black, civil rights violations, and CIA-trained, Cuban terrorists.
There is nothing to worry about. This is for your own safety. Each family will be assigned a Cuban agent ... uh, assistant ... to gather intelligence ... I mean RAISE intelligence ... of our citizenry. You can pick-up your Cuban at the back door when you leave here tonight.
MRS. CARTMAN: Can we decide which Cuban we want?
MAYOR: No, but don't worry, they all look the same, anyway.
MR. McCORMICK: What do we need a Cuban for?
MAYOR: Why, to help you sort through your most intimate financial records, to monitor your phone calls, some one you can tell your most-secret political beliefs to, any government buildings you plan to bomb, and all with COMPLETE privacy!
MRS. BROSLOFSKI: What's this gonna cost!
MAYOR: Why, nothing! This is your tax dollars at work! Also, your Cuban will be happy to carry-out your trash for you!
CROWD: YAY!!!
MAYOR: And there's no need for you to shred your sensitive documents anymore! Your Cuban will take care of it for you!
CROWD: YAY!!!
MAYOR: [WHISPERING TO STOOGE #1] This should get me re-elected by a LANDSLIDE!
STOOGE #1: [WHISPERING TO MAYOR] I wouldn't count on it, Mayor. These Cubans are pretty right-wing -- they call David Duke a communist. And the CIA's given them all phoney birth-certificates. They can vote.
MAYOR: [WHISPERING TO STOOGE #1] Translation?
STOOGE #1: [WHISPERING TO MAYOR] No way they're gonna vote for a woman.
MAYOR: [TO HERSELF] DAMN! I could live with a few hate-crimes, but SEXISM?! NO WAY, JOSE!!!
MAYOR: [TO THE CROWD] PEOPLE! PEOPLE! I've just uncovered some TERRIBLE news! I've just been informed that the CIA is planning to infiltrate South Park with a bunch of Cuban guerrillas, posing as menials, to spy on us, and to PISS ON JOHN ELWAY'S STATUE! LET'S KICK THEIR SORRY CUBAN ASSES BACK TO FLORIDA!!!
[CUBAN GUERRILLAS DROP FROM THE CEILING. THE CROWD PANICS. THE TOWN HALL ERUPTS INTO A RIOT. EVERYBODY'S FIGHTING.]
[SCENE: A CORNER OF THE TOWN HALL. JIMBO AND NED HAVE BUILT A BUNKER OUT OF CHAIRS. EACH IS FIRING A WEAPON THROUGH AN OPENING.]
JIMBO: I got two; how many you get, Ned?
NED: I think three, but the lazzzt one might be faking.
JIMBO: Which one? Oh, over there? I got a bead on him. Say it, Ned!
NED: Itzzzz coming right for us!
JIMBO: [FIRES RIFLE] Let's see him play possum without a head, huh?
NED: I won't be taken alive, again, not like in 'Nam.
JIMBO: Ned, that was a long time ago, and remember, I was just trying to gain the enemy's trust so I could infiltrate their ranks!
NED: [HAS A FLASHBACK TO VIETNAM. NED IS IN A SMALL CAGE. SEVERAL VIETCONG ARE POKING HIM WITH STICKS. JIMBO IS OFF TO THE SIDE WITH A MAI-TAI SAYING "NO, NO! YOU GOTTA POKE HIM HARDER! DO I HAVE TO TEACH YOU NOODLE-HEADS EVERYTHING!"].
[SCENE: BACK AT THE PODIUM. THE CUBANS HAVE WON. ORDER IS RESTORED. THE MAYOR AND BARBRADY ARE ALONE AT THE PODIUM WHEN THREE MEN DRESSED IN BLACK APPROACH FROM STAGE LEFT. THE LEADER IS G. GORDON LIDDY.]
MAYOR: [TO LIDDY] Who the HELL are you?
LIDDY: My name is G. Gordon Liddy. I'm the mastermind behind Watergate, the break-in of Daniel Ellsberg's psychiatrist, and, if I hadn't been working for gutless cowards, would have fire-bombed the Brookings' Institute.
BARBRADY: With a success record like that, you should be working for the Mayor!
MAYOR: [TO BARBRADY] SHUT-UP! [TO LIDDY] Maybe we could work something out; how's Thursday look for an assasination?
LIDDY: I don't WORK FOR women, I MESMERIZE them at cocktail parties! Watch this. [LIDDY-GOON #1 LIGHTS A CANDLE. LIDDY HOLDS HIS HAND OVER THE FLAME FOR A LONG TIME.]
MAYOR: What's the trick?
LIDDY: There's no trick; I just think of Herman Goering naked, and his sweaty, well-oiled body oozing power from every pore ... and I forget all about the flame. [EYES GO BLANK FOR A MOMENT, THEN HE REFOCUSES.] Ah, what were we talking about?
MAYOR: I want to know why you've taken-over South Park?
LIDDY: It is the opinion of the "Agency" that your administration is anti-western, anti-America, pro-gay, and, worst of all -- in my book, [MOCKINGLY] pro-feeeeemale. The "Company" is willing to tolerate such abuses of freedom on the fringes of our continent, but NOT in its HEARTLAND!
MRS. BROSLOFSKI: You're an ANTI-SEMITE!
LIDDY: Lady, why don't you and your kind pick a coast ... AND STAY THERE! Anyway, the "Agency" has selected South Park's next Mayor, thus saving you middle-class laggards the trouble of NOT voting. Meet your new Mayor, Premier Dung Chop-Stix!
[ERIC CARTMAN EMERGES FROM STAGE LEFT, WEARING A CHARLIE CHAN MOUSTACHE AND WHITE SUIT.]
CARTMAN: Confucius say, man backed by CIA have AUTHORI-TAH!
[TO BE CONTINUED IN PART IV, WHICH WILL BE THE CONCLUSION.]