"South Park: Stop the Violence"
by XebotPART I - "THE FEAR OF ORIGAMI"
[SCENE: The Mayor's office]
MAYOR: Listen, the Governor's been crawling up my ass over these Columbian drug-lords who are killing our children. I want you all to come-up with a plan to save the children!
STOOGE #1: I believe that the Governor was referring to the "Colombine" tragedy.
MAYOR: [ANGRY] I don't care what country the f**kers come from, I WANT IDEAS!
STOOGE #2: We could setup metal-detectors at the entrances to every school in South Park. However, this could be very costly.
MAYOR: [SWEETLY, MOCKING] Money? Do you think I value money over the lives of our children? Well, let me be the first to welcome you and your pregnant wife to South Park's nouveau trailer trash -- YOU'RE FIRED! [SWEETLY AGAIN] Now, #1, what ideas do YOU have to save your job?
STOOGE #1: Uh, ... maybe we could get the CIA to help us with their spy satellites.
MAYOR: And what might that cost?
STOOGE #1: Nothing, if we can convince them that there are foriegn spys in South Park.
MAYOR: And how do we do that?
STOOGE #1: Well, everybody's pretty scared of Chinese spys stealing nuclear secrets. Of course, we'd have to convince some Chinese to move back to South Park.
MAYOR: Why did they leave?
STOOGE #1: Uh, well they kind-of left after their homes and businesses were burned-down.
MAYOR: Yeah, I remember, they kept our most promising quarterbacks out of college by f**king-up the curve. Do we really want them back? We've got a black cook, why can't the CIA spy on a black man?
STOOGE #1: You're thinking of the FBI. The CIA has "chinks" on the brain these days.
MAYOR: [SWEETLY] Well, how is your family doing? Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. Could you please tell me again how you plan to solve this problem without chinks?
STOOGE #1: Perhaps we could convince the CIA that one of our citizens is really a Chinese spy disguised as a little, fat boy.
MAYOR: I like it. Does South Park have anyone who looks like Charley Chan without the moustache, couth, or intellect?
STOOGE #1: I'll check around. I've been screwing this crack-whore who might know somebody.
PART II - "OF SPICE AND MEN"
[SCENE: THE BOYS ARE WALKING OUTSIDE.]
[A BASEBALL-SIZED SATELITTE BEGINS ORBITING CARTMAN'S HEAD.]
CARTMAN: Ever have the feeling that you're being watched?
KYLE: You're just paranoid.
CARTMAN: Then why is this CIA spy satellite orbiting my head? [CARTMAN TRIES TO SWAT THE SATELLITE, BUT IT DODGES EACH TRY.] Bad satellite!
STAN: What makes you think it's a CIA spy satellite?
KYLE: Yeah, maybe the aliens just want you to return their anal probe.
CARTMAN: Oh yeah? Well, just look over there!
STAN: Cartman's right! Look! It's a CIA military training camp!
KYLE: How can you tell?
STAN: Because all of the soldiers are Cuban!
[THE SATELLITE SMACKS INTO CARTMAN'S HEAD.]
CARTMAN: Ow! Stop it!
STAN: We better warn the town!
[A ROUND OBJECT EXTENDS FROM THE SATELLITE, IT OPENS TO REVEAL THE CBS 'EYE', WHICH STARES STRAIGHT AT CARTMAN.]
CARTMAN: STOP WATCHING ME! Go spy on the hippies! Look over there, Mr. Satellite, quick, SOMEBODY'S HUGGING A TREE!
[THE SATELLITE TURNS TO LOOK. WHEN THE SATELLITE LOOKS BACK, CARTMAN MOONS IT.]
CARTMAN: Spy on this, dildo!
[AN ARM EMERGES FROM THE SATELLITE AND PLACES RAY CHARLES GLASSES OVER THE 'EYE'.]
KYLE: Quit jacking-off, Cartman, we have to warn the town about the CIA and their Cuban military training camp!
CARTMAN: [TO THE SATELLITE, FRUSTRATED] Fascist hippie!
[SCENE: THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA. CHEF IS BEHIND THE COUNTER AS THE BOYS WALK IN. THE SATELLITE IS STILL ORBITING CARTMAN.]
CHEF: Hi, children! It's a bit early for lunch, but I highly recommend the Spice Girls bouillabaisse, it's basically a tunafish gumbo.
STAN: We're not here to eat, Chef...
CARTMAN: I'll take some, but just the white albacore -- none of the scary stuff.
CHEF: And what would your CIA spy satellite like?
KYLE: How can you tell it's a CIA spy satellite, Chef?
CHEF: Didn't you notice all of the Cubans around South Park lately?
CARTMAN: How did you know it wasn't a Selena revival meeting?
STAN: Don't be such a dumb-ass! Selena was Tejano, not Cubano -- everybody knows that!
CHEF: THESE Cubans didn't -- that's how I knew they were trained by the CIA -- or possibly Kathy Lee. Yesterday, some cracker dressed in a suit shows up at my house and asks if I love America. I answered, "North or South?" Two hours later, three Cubans show up offering to work for free.
STAN: Chef! Those were spies trained by the CIA to overthrow South Park!
CHEF: Who cares? I got'em washing dishes; my sensitive hands can't DEAL with that Ajax powder. But, they're harmless. Lemme show you. Hey, Jose, come out here for a minute.
[ALL THREE CUBANS COME OUT OF THE KITCHEN. THEY ARE PHOTOGRAPHING EVERYTHING.]
See how they love photography? Just like hairy, little Japanese tourists. However, they don't have much taste in music. Jose, what's your favorite musical group?
CUBANS [TOGETHER]: The Dead Kennedys.
CHEF: Their knowledge of music may be ignorant of the framework previously laid-down by Mojo Nixon, but they work hard and don't complain -- AND, they can tell me what Ricky Ricardo is REALLY saying when he curses in "I Love Lucy." Even MEXICANS can't understand THAT Cuban cracker!
STAN: [TO KYLE] I think the succubus is back.
KYLE: Yeah, a big, fat, Cuban-cigar-smoking succubus bitch, like Madonna!
[THE SATELLITE SWOOPS TOWARDS STAN'S HEAD; HE DUCKS JUST IN TIME.]
STAN: Cartman, would you keep your spy satellites to yourself!
CARTMAN: You're just jealous 'cause YOU don't have a satellite!
STAN: That's because it can't escape your ass' gravitational field.
KYLE: Yeah, Cartman, why don't you fart so the Robinson family can get back home?!
KENNY: Mrrpmppfhs!
STAN: Kenny's right, we have to save South Park from the CIA, first. We can send Madonna back to hell anytime.
[SCENE: THE KIDS, INCLUDING IKE, ARE WALKING OUTSIDE.]
IKE: Kubas innus baggle, oy, oy!
KYLE: No, Ike, Cubans don't taste good on a bagel. You're thinking of Gerber's number 2, cucumbers with deep-sea, sucker-fish inerds.
CARTMAN: I could go for some of those now ... sweeeeeeeeeeet!
STAN: Stop! I think I hear something!
KYLE: Did Cartman just fart? I thought I heard Gary Oldman's voice.
[A CUBAN GUERRILLA EMERGES FROM A BUSH, AND POINTS A RIFLE AT THE BOYS. A LASER BLAST FROM OFF-SCREEN EXPLODES THE CUBAN. WILL SMITH ENTERS.]
WILL SMITH: Take that, you Castro-looking mutha-f**ker!
STAN: Look! It's Will Smith!
CARTMAN: I heard that Sylvester Stallone kicked your ass in Rocky III.
WILL SMITH: That was "Mr. T", fat-ass! You still got that alien butt-plug up your ass? I heard they want it back.
KYLE: How did you know that aliens probed Cartman's ass? And how did you know Cartman's first name?
WILL SMITH: Aliens are my hobby, when I'm not acting. "Men in Black" was basically auto-biographical. Take a look at this. [PULLS OUT A MYSTERIOUS WEAPON.] This is called a Nuke-o Blaster. [SHOOTS A SMALL TREE, AND IT EXPLODES.]
CARTMAN: I thought you fairy actors loved trees! Kissy, kissy! Oh Will, I love the way you caress my pine cones!
[WILL SMITH SHOOTS CARTMAN IN THE ASS, AND CARTMAN SHOOTS-UP TEN FEET.]
CARTMAN: Ow!
WILL SMITH: Just be greatful I only have this set to "Charleton Heston" mode, if I set it to "Nugent" mode, you'd be dead as Bambi's mother! You can tree-hugger my black-ass, white boy.
KYLE: Do you hear something?
WILL SMITH: Oh, oh! Could be trouble in toon-town tonight!
["PARAPPA THE RAPPA" ENTERS FROM STAGE LEFT.]
PARAPPA: [RAPPING]
I'm so cute
but I'm not lame
I'm the safe
play-sta-tion game!
Fist to yo momma, Will Smith! DIE![PARAPPA PULLS OUT A BLASTER, AND KILLS WILL SMITH.]
STAN: Parappa killed Will Smith!
KYLE: You Sony bastard!
[IKE PICKS UP WILL SMITH'S NUKE-O BLASTER, AND KILLS PARAPPA, JUST AS PARAPPA KILLS KENNY.]
KYLE: Good work, Ike!
IKE: Parappa poo-poo!
[KYLE TAKES THE NUKE-O BLASTER FROM IKE.]
STAN: LOOK! Parappa killed Kenny!
[KYLE SHOOTS CARTMAN IN THE ASS; CARTMAN JUMPS TEN FEET.]
CARTMAN: OW! STOP THAT!
STAN: That looks like fun, let me try it! C'mon, dude, don't Bogart the blaster.
[KYLE GIVES STAN THE BLASTER. STAN SHOOTS CARTMAN IN THE ASS SEVERAL TIMES.]
CARTMAN: OW! OW! I TOLD YOU TO STOP ... OW! ... THAT, BITCH! OW! Someday I'll be in charge of South Park, AND THEN YOU'LL ALL PAY!!! OW! OW! OW!
IKE: Shoo da fa-ah!
KYLE: That's right, Ike, SHOOT THE FAT ASS!
PART III - "CAN YOU PUT A LIDDY ON THAT?"
[SCENE: A TOWN COUNCIL MEETING. ALL OF THE SOUTH PARK RESIDENTS ARE THERE, EXCEPT ERIC CARTMAN.]
[THE MAYOR IS AT THE PODIUM, FLANKED BY TWO OF HER STOOGES, AND BARBRADY.]
MAYOR: Now, I'm sure you all know why I called this meeting. It has been brought to my attention that South Park is experiencing a slight increase in its Men-In-Black, civil rights violations, and CIA-trained, Cuban terrorists.
There is nothing to worry about. This is for your own safety. Each family will be assigned a Cuban agent ... uh, assistant ... to gather intelligence ... I mean RAISE intelligence ... of our citizenry. You can pick-up your Cuban at the back door when you leave here tonight.
MRS. CARTMAN: Can we decide which Cuban we want?
MAYOR: No, but don't worry, they all look the same, anyway.
MR. McCORMICK: What do we need a Cuban for?
MAYOR: Why, to help you sort through your most intimate financial records, to monitor your phone calls, some one you can tell your most-secret political beliefs to, any government buildings you plan to bomb, and all with COMPLETE privacy!
MRS. BROSLOFSKI: What's this gonna cost!
MAYOR: Why, nothing! This is your tax dollars at work! Also, your Cuban will be happy to carry-out your trash for you!
CROWD: YAY!!!
MAYOR: And there's no need for you to shred your sensitive documents anymore! Your Cuban will take care of it for you!
CROWD: YAY!!!
MAYOR: [WHISPERING TO STOOGE #1] This should get me re-elected by a LANDSLIDE!
STOOGE #1: [WHISPERING TO MAYOR] I wouldn't count on it, Mayor. These Cubans are pretty right-wing -- they call David Duke a communist. And the CIA's given them all phoney birth-certificates. They can vote.
MAYOR: [WHISPERING TO STOOGE #1] Translation?
STOOGE #1: [WHISPERING TO MAYOR] No way they're gonna vote for a woman.
MAYOR: [TO HERSELF] DAMN! I could live with a few hate-crimes, but SEXISM?! NO WAY, JOSE!!!
MAYOR: [TO THE CROWD] PEOPLE! PEOPLE! I've just uncovered some TERRIBLE news! I've just been informed that the CIA is planning to infiltrate South Park with a bunch of Cuban guerrillas, posing as menials, to spy on us, and to PISS ON JOHN ELWAY'S STATUE! LET'S KICK THEIR SORRY CUBAN ASSES BACK TO FLORIDA!!!
[CUBAN GUERRILLAS DROP FROM THE CEILING. THE CROWD PANICS. THE TOWN HALL ERUPTS INTO A RIOT. EVERYBODY'S FIGHTING.]
[SCENE: A CORNER OF THE TOWN HALL. JIMBO AND NED HAVE BUILT A BUNKER OUT OF CHAIRS. EACH IS FIRING A WEAPON THROUGH AN OPENING.]
JIMBO: I got two; how many you get, Ned?
NED: I think three, but the lazzzt one might be faking.
JIMBO: Which one? Oh, over there? I got a bead on him. Say it, Ned!
NED: Itzzzz coming right for us!
JIMBO: [FIRES RIFLE] Let's see him play possum without a head, huh?
NED: I won't be taken alive, again, not like in 'Nam.
JIMBO: Ned, that was a long time ago, and remember, I was just trying to gain the enemy's trust so I could infiltrate their ranks!
NED: [HAS A FLASHBACK TO VIETNAM. NED IS IN A SMALL CAGE. SEVERAL VIETCONG ARE POKING HIM WITH STICKS. JIMBO IS OFF TO THE SIDE WITH A MAI-TAI SAYING "NO, NO! YOU GOTTA POKE HIM HARDER! DO I HAVE TO TEACH YOU NOODLE-HEADS EVERYTHING!"].
[SCENE: BACK AT THE PODIUM. THE CUBANS HAVE WON. ORDER IS RESTORED. THE MAYOR AND BARBRADY ARE ALONE AT THE PODIUM WHEN THREE MEN DRESSED IN BLACK APPROACH FROM STAGE LEFT. THE LEADER IS G. GORDON LIDDY.]
MAYOR: [TO LIDDY] Who the HELL are you?
LIDDY: My name is G. Gordon Liddy. I'm the mastermind behind Watergate, the break-in of Daniel Ellsberg's psychiatrist, and, if I hadn't been working for gutless cowards, would have fire-bombed the Brookings' Institute.
BARBRADY: With a success record like that, you should be working for the Mayor!
MAYOR: [TO BARBRADY] SHUT-UP! [TO LIDDY] Maybe we could work something out; how's Thursday look for an assasination?
LIDDY: I don't WORK FOR women, I MESMERIZE them at cocktail parties! Watch this. [LIDDY-GOON #1 LIGHTS A CANDLE. LIDDY HOLDS HIS HAND OVER THE FLAME FOR A LONG TIME.]
MAYOR: What's the trick?
LIDDY: There's no trick; I just think of Herman Goering naked, and his sweaty, well-oiled body oozing power from every pore ... and I forget all about the flame. [EYES GO BLANK FOR A MOMENT, THEN HE REFOCUSES.] Ah, what were we talking about?
MAYOR: I want to know why you've taken-over South Park?
LIDDY: It is the opinion of the "Agency" that your administration is anti-western, anti-America, pro-gay, and, worst of all -- in my book, [MOCKINGLY] pro-feeeeemale. The "Company" is willing to tolerate such abuses of freedom on the fringes of our continent, but NOT in its HEARTLAND!
MRS. BROSLOFSKI: You're an ANTI-SEMITE!
LIDDY: Lady, why don't you and your kind pick a coast ... AND STAY THERE! Anyway, the "Agency" has selected South Park's next Mayor, thus saving you middle-class laggards the trouble of NOT voting. Meet your new Mayor, Premier Dung Chop-Stix!
[ERIC CARTMAN EMERGES FROM STAGE LEFT, WEARING A CHARLIE CHAN MOUSTACHE AND WHITE SUIT.]
CARTMAN: Confucius say, man backed by CIA have AUTHORI-TAH!
PART IV - THE "FINAL SOLUTION" TO THE "CARTMAN PROBLEM"
[RECAP: THE CIA HAS TAKEN-OVER SOUTH PARK, AND PLACED CARTMAN IN CHARGE.]
[SCENE: CARTMAN IS STANDING AT THE PODIUM OF THE TOWN HALL SPEAKING TO THE RESIDENTS.]
[HE IS BACKED BY A "HUGE" PICTURE OF HIMSELF. HE IS FLANKED BY TWO CIA-GOONS AND ONE G. GORDON LIDDY.]
[CARTMAN NO LONGER HAS HIS CHARLIE CHAN MUSTACHE, AND IS NOT WEARING HIS HAT. HE IS DRESSED LIKE, AND HIS DARK HAIR IS COMBED LIKE, MAO TSE-TUNG.]
CARTMAN: [CHINESE ACCENT] Hear me, my loyal pleasants! I have SRRRREEEEEEEEETTT news for you: the revo-rution is com-prete!
[NO RESPONSE FROM CROWD. CARTMAN LOOKS AROUND, PUZZLED. HE DROPS THE ACCENT.]
Changes in society are due chiefly to the development of the internal contradictions in society, that is, the contradiction between the productive forces and the relations of production!
[THIS TIME THE CROWD LOOKS PUZZLED. CARTMAN SPEAKS LOUDER AND FASTER, CROSSING HIS EYES.]
The ruthless economic exploitation and political oppression of the peasants by the landlord class FORCED THEM INTO NUMEROUS UPRISINGS AGAINST ITS RULE!!!!!!!
[CARTMAN LOOKS FOR APPLAUSE. MEMBERS OF THE CROWD START SAYING "HUH?". CARTMAN IS ANGRY.]
LIDDY: [TAKES THE MICROPHONE FROM CARTMAN.] What our esteemed leader, Chairman Dung Chop-Stix, is trying to say is that South Park has been rescued from the violent oppression of a liberal Federal Govenment! You are now an INDEPENDANT province of Langley, Virginia!
[LIDDY LOOKS FOR APPLAUSE. THE CIA-GOONS TRY TO MOTION THE CROWD TO APPLAUD. THE CROWD IS SILENT.]
[TO GOON #1] F**k-it, bring in the tanks.
[TANKS CRASH-IN FROM THE SIDES AND BACK, FORMING A SEMI-CIRCLE BEHIND THE STAGE.]
[KENNY RUSHES TOWARDS A TANK, CARRYING THE AMERICAN FLAG. THE TANK HEADS TOWARDS HIM.]
KENNY: [PLEADING] WOO KUFROO WAHOOOOO!
[THE TANK STOPS JUST IN FRONT OF KENNY. A SOLDIER STICKS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE TURRENT, AND IT'S A RED-CHINESE VERSION OF KENNY.]
CHINESE KENNY: [HAPPY] WOO KUFROO WAHOOOOO!
CARTMAN: [REGAINING THE MIC FROM LIDDY. CARTMAN SIGNALS, AND A TANK FIRES A WARNING SHOT ABOVE THE CROWD.] You WILL respect my HEAVY MET-TAH!!! And just to make SURE you get my message of total domination, I've hired the "King-of-All-Media" as my new Minister of the Arts, Vanilla Ice!
[VANILLA ICE EMERGES FROM STAGE RIGHT.]
VANILLA ICE: [RAPPING TO MUSIC STOLEN FROM QUEEN.] Eric, Eric, Cartman!
[CUT TO STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY IN THE AUDIENCE.]
STAN: What's a Vanilla Ice?
KYLE: He used to be one of the Spice Girls -- the one that Mick Jagger got pregnant.
[CUT TO THE STAGE.]
VANILLA ICE: ... and I'd like to introduce my son, Mick Ice. He'll be rapping his new hit single, "Start my lips!"
[CUT TO STAN, KYLE, AND KENNY IN THE AUDIENCE.]
STAN: Cartman's REALLY flipped this time!
KYLE: Do you think it's time to tell him who his mother really is?
KENNY: Mresssssss, ummph eeerrrf!!!!!! [KENNY CLOSES HIS HOOD.]
KYLE: Geez, Kenny, OK, we won't tell him!
KENNY: [OPENS HIS HOOD AGAIN.] Aaaaaaaaaaaaah...
STAN: We've got to find a way to topple Cartman.
KYLE: That's one helluva straight-line, dude, but this is SERIOUS. How can we topple a dictator who's being pooped-up by the CIA?
STAN: Why don't we ask my uncle, Jimbo? He was in Vietnam, and the Vietnamese kicked BOTH America's AND the CIA's ass at the same time! We'll just ask him how the Vietnamese won the war.
KYLE: Good idea, Stan! Uh ... it's not my place to say this, but how come that second tank only fired a warning shot?
[STAN AND KYLE LOOK AT KENNY.]
KENNY: [MAKES THE "ITALIAN LOVE-TOY" GESTURE (ie, "FIST UP YO ...")]
[SCENE: STAN, KYLE, KENNY, JIMBO, AND NED ARE TALKING IN THE WOODS. ALL OF THE TREES HAVE PICTURES OF "CHAIRMAN DUNG CHOP-STIX" (CARTMAN). A VERY FAT RABBIT WABBLES BY.]
NED: Lookzzz like itzz heading right towardzz uz!
JIMBO: Hold it, Ned! We don't want to be arrested for shooting a likeness of his supreme holiness! And watch what you say. Even the rabbits have ears.
STAN: Uncle Jimbo?
JIMBO: Yes? Oh! Wait a minute! I think I see an albino hedgehog! Oh, SH*T! It looks just like Vanilla Ice!
STAN: Uncle Jimbo, we want to know how America and the CIA lost the war in Vietnam.
JIMBO: This isn't a loyalty test, is it? You can't be too sure these days, [SPEAKING INTO THE RABBIT'S EAR] under the WONDERFUL leadership of our BELOVED leader who taught us the evils of our ways, and to only shoot skinny things because SKINNY people are assholes!
KYLE: C'mon, Jimbo, how did the Vietnamese win the war?
JIMBO: OH! Well that's a different question ... just as long as we're not talking about America losing. The zipper-heads won by giving the CIA a juicier target. No CIA, no war.
STAN: How did they do that, Jimbo?
JIMBO: They convinced the Chinese to let Richard Nixon visit. After that, the CIA had "Dick" on the brain.
KYLE: [TO STAN] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
KENNY: Myyyysnm!
STAN: Hey, dude, that's even better!
[SCENE: THE TOWN HALL. CARTMAN IS GIVING ANOTHER ... ANOTHER ... ANOTHER ... SPEECH. HE IS FLANKED BY CIA GOONS AND G. GORDON LIDDY.]
[THE TANKS STILL FORM A HALF CIRCLE BEHIND THE STAGE.]
CARTMAN: ... the enemy will not perish of himself. Neither the Feminist reactionaries nor the aggressive forces of U.S. imperialism will destroy the utopia that we have established in "New Cartland" ...
[A NEW CIA GOON RUNS ONSTAGE, AND HANDS LIDDY A DOCUMENT.]
LIDDY: [AFTER READING THE DOCUMENT, GRABS THE MIC FROM CARTMAN.]
CARTMAN: HEY, YOU !#*(#(*$!!! GIVE THAT BACK!
LIDDY: [TO THE CROWD] You people are on your own! [TO TANKS] OK, boys, back 'em up, we're heading out! Hey, Jose?
FIFTY CUBANS IN UNISON: Si?
LIDDY: Follow the tanks, and closely! You never know when some mother-f**king Kennedy will cancel our air-cover!
[SCENE: THE NEXT DAY. THE BOYS ARE RIDING IN THE BACK OF THE SCHOOL BUS.]
CARTMAN: [CRYING] I could-a been a champ, Stan, if only you'd-a believed in me! I could-a-been another Don King ...
STAN: Take it easy, Cartman. At least your hat still fits.
CARTMAN: But ... how did this happen? What was that note that they handed to G. Reich-Marshal Liddy?
KYLE: Who knows? [LOOKS AT STAN, KNOWINGLY.]
MRS. CRABTREE: [SHOUTING BACK AT THE BOYS FROM THE FRONT OF THE BUS.] Would you kids be quiet! Some right-wing talk-show host says that Clinton's gonna lift the trade-ban on Cuba!