Well, it's finally done. Tell me what you think. Good? Bad? Splunge? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------- Cartman Has a Heart Attack Part Two: The Intervention -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------- Insert legal crap here. Yada Yada Yada, sole exclusive property of Blah Blah Blah, this fanfic is not to be Yakkety Shmaketty. Sheila appears courtesy of alt.tv.southpark's own Kyle Broslofski!
<Mr. Garrisson's class>
Mr. Garrisson: ... And that's why Dr. Laura is the Anti-Christ.
Stan: Have you heard anything from Cartman?
Kyle: No. He's probably still living it up at that health spa.
Sheila: Oy Fanoopel, he's probably making out with all sorts of aerobics instructors. Oh, will I ever see him again? <Schmaltzy music starts. Sheila is on a stage, wearing a full-length evening gown covered with sequins. She is singing into a pinwheel> Where is my Eric. He's left meeee alooooone I'll never here him saaaaay "Screw you I'm going Hoooooome" He's gone, from my world, he's left meeeeeee behiiiiiind I'll only see hiiiiiiiiiiim In the pinwheeeeeels... ooooof.... my... miiiiiiiiiiind"
Garrisson: SHEILA!
Sheila:<back to normal> What?
Garrisson: There will be no more Celine Deion-esque ballads in my classroom!
Sheila: Yes, Mr. Garrisson. <under her breath> Stupid bastard, I'd like to...
Garrisson: I hope you aren't entertaining any thoughts of shoving a pinwheel up
my ass.
Sheila: WHAT?!
Garrisson: Because I wouldn't like it. No, I most definitely hate having pinwheels shoved up my ass. <Sheila stares at him> Soooo.... you won't, right?
<Dr. Burgess's dungeon. Cartman is strapped into the Clockwork Orange chair.>
Cartman: Do your worst, fiend!
Dr. B: I intend to. The chair has never failed me. Perhaps you've met one of my previous patients? <He holds up a picture of Pip>
Cartman: That wuss?
Dr. B: He wasn't always the pathetic little goober he is today. When Mr. Mackey referred him to me two years ago, he looked like this <shows another picture, with Pip all done up like Alex from CO>
Cartman: Kick ass.
Dr. B: But eventually, we... broke him. Me and the chair. Now, we shall begin.
<Cartman is shown a rapid-fire montage of disturbing images while listening to the Cheesy Poofs song being sung to the tune of Beethoven's Ninth. Try it, it works really nicely. The images include:French people eating Cheesy Poofs; a giant rabbit attacking New York; the Olsen Twins; Leo DiCrappio; hippies eating Cheesy Poofs; an A-bomb explosion (there's one in every montage); a naked Luciano Pavarotti on the toilet; Barbra Streissand eating Cheesy Poofs; Eric Idle kicking Michael Palin in the balls; an Old Navy commercial; Pavarotti, still on the toilet, eating Cheesy Poofs>
Cartman: <close up on his face, he's sweating> NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHH!!!
<The woods above>
Indigo Montoya: You hear that, Fezzick? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. They must be making him watch UPN or something.
<Thus ends the obligatory Princess Bride ref>
<Schoolyard>
Stan: Well, it's been three weeks since we've seen Fatass.
Kyle: Thanks, now I have that damn BNL song stuck in my head.
Sheila: I think I've realized that I'm probably never going to see my beloved Eric again. He's probablyat that spa right now, banging that aerobics instuctor
and laughing at the little girl he left behind.
Cartman: Hey evryone, I'm back.
Sheila: <Jumps on him and starts kissing him> OH, I'm so happy you're back, my great big hunk of man! I knew you'd get bored with those aerobics instuctrors!
Cartman: Wha?
Sheila: How dare you sleep with those aerobics instructors! HOW DARE YOU!!! <kicks Cartman in the balls>
Cartman: God Damn, get some Prozac!
Stan: Wait a minute, I thought you were going to a health spa! You're as fat as ever!
Cartman: Shows how much you know! Check out my new buff bod!
<He lifts his coat to reveal an emaciated frame>
Kyle: Dude! Sick!
Stan: Huh. He really is big-boned.
Chef: Hello there, chil- SWEET MOTHER O' MARY TYLER MOORE! Eric, what the fudge happend to you?
Cartman: I got in shape! Pretty sweet, huh.
Chef: Well, I guess... Lemme get you some salisbury steak.
Cartman: <shudders> Food... bring pain....
Chef: Oh, children, I got a bad feelin' about this. I bet they used that brainwashin' shabadoo on him.Eric, do you remember what happened to you at that resort?
Cartman:<mechanically>I-had-a-pleasant-and-uneventful-time- and-I-enjoyed-myself-very-much.
Sheila: I KNEW IT! YOU WERE BANGING AEROBICS INSTRUCTORS LEFT AND RIGHT, WEREN'T YOU!!!!!
Chef: Eric, it isn't healthy to be that thin. Why, you could wind up roaming the streets at night, feasting on the flesh of the living, just like that Callista Flockheart chick.
Cartman: Ay! You're just jealous of mah enormous pecs! Screw you guys, I'm going hoooome.
<Cartman's house>
Cartman: Hey, ma, I'm home!
Mrs. C: Would you like some Cheesy Poofs, hon?
Cartman: NO! GET THEM AWAY FROM ME!
<He heads up to his room>
Cartman: Ah! How'd you guys get here before me!
<Stan, Kyle, and Sheila are all here. So are Wendy, Bebe, Kevin, Clyde, Token, Pip, Tweek, and all the other kids, with one notable exception>
Sheila: We're here because we're worried about you. You have to understand that I love you with all my heart...
Kyle: <sticks finger down throat, makes choking noise>
Sheila: ... no matter how many aerobics instructors you sleep with. And we're all concerned for your well-being. Isn't that right?
Stan: Actually, she made us come along on pain of death.
Clyde: She threatened me with a pinwheel enema!
Sheila: The night's still young, Clyde. Now, we're all going to say a few words. Stan?
Stan: I liked you better when you were a big fat turd, instead of a little skinny turd.
Sheila: Very good. Tweek.
Tweek: AHHHH!!! CAN'TTHINKOFANYTHING!!! THEPRESSURE!!! NO, MUSTN'T CHOKE!! GAAAAAHHH!!!
Sheila: ... okay.... Kenny?
Kyle: Dude, where is Kenny?
Sheila: I don't know. He was supposed to meet us here!
<Ten minutes earlier, in front of the bar>
<Kenny is walking past the bar. Suddenly, Calista Flockhart appears out of nowhere and devours him whole. Jimbo and Ned exit the bar>
Jimbo: Oh, my god, Ally McBeal killed Kenny!
Ned: mmmYOU BASzzzTARDzzzz
Kyle: STOP STEPPING ON MY LINE!
Ned: mmmSORRYzzzz
Jimbo: Uh oh, Ned, she sees us!
Ned: mmm LETSzzz THIN OUTzzz HER NUMBERzzzz
Jimbo: Better not. If we thin her out any more, she'll disappear!
Ned: mmmGOOD ONE HAH HAH HAH
<back to Cartman's>
Sheila: Anyway...
Pip: Well, I'd like to say...
Sheila: Wait, I didn't invite him!
Stan: Yeah, get lost, you stupid frog!
Bill, Fossey: Huh huh, yeah, stupid gay frog
Pip: Well, technically, I'm a stupid limey.
Sheila: JUST GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I MAKE YOU EAT A PINWHEEL THE HARD WAY!
Pip: Righto! <runs off>
Cartman: Dammit, I don't need any sympathy! I'm totally buff! Size! Strength! Agility!...wait... why is the room spinning...
<Hell's Pass hospital>
Doctor: Well, it seems like we've come full circle, doesn't it. Now, how do we cure him of his food phobia?
<Enter Mephesto>
Mephesto: I may have come up with a solution. Kevin, if you would...
<Kevin enters with a canister labelled "Ultra Weight Gain 5000>
Mephesto: This is my new, experimental weight gain formula. I will now adminster it by using anaparatus invented by my colleague, Doctor William Plaht.
All: Oh. It's a Plaht Device.
Mephesto: Correct. Also known as a Deus ex Machina.
<Mephesto injects Cartman with the device. He fills out to his (ab)normal proportions. >
Stan: But how do we know he's cured?
Sheila: I know! Eric...
Cartman: <weakly> Yes, Sheila...
Sheila: ...Would you like some... Cheesy Poofs?
Cartman: Yes. Yes I would.
Sheila: Yippeee! He's cured!
Stan: You know, I've learned something today. Quick fixes don't work. To truly accomplish a lasting change in your character, you need hard work, dedication, sticktoitiveness...
Kyle: Stan, what are you talking about?
Stan: <sigh> I don't even know anymore. Hey, Cartman, don't bogart all the Cheesy Poofs!
<closing credits> ______________________________________
Well, I finally finished it! Sorry 'bout the delay, I really have to work on my
turnover time for these things. Jess, thanks for the use of Sheila!
JB "You know, there are many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane... It is up to people like you and me who are out of our tiny little minds to try and help these people overcome their sanity.'"- Rev. Arthur Belling