Here's a guest column that I thought people might like, from the TeeVee archive site. Those of you who, like me, were wondering why Matt and Trey were picking on a mildly annoying TV show hostess when such as Roseanne roam the earth are also those who, like me, have studiously avoided her work. This gallant columnist did not. Here is his report from the battlefield:
DECEMBER 21, 1995
Into the Abyss of Madness
Not long ago, Pete and I were talking about the pathetic
sham that is my life, and Pete made the wise observation that I
should develop some sort of hobbies that will get my out of the
house more, offer me some moment of respite and otherwise
take my mind off the pathetic sham that is my life. I now understand what Pete meant. Because tonight, while
cooking up my Tuna Helper, I flipped around the TV dial and
lingered ever so briefly upon the CBS Television Network
which was broadcasting "Kathie Lee: Home for Christmas,"
starring the abnormally peppy Kathie Lee Gifford and her
123-year-old husband Frank. "No doubt," I thought to myself, "this will offer choice
moments of comedy for my viewing pleasure. Why don't I sit
down with a hearty serving of Tuna Helper and let the comedy
nuggets flow freely from my television."In many ways, I'm a stupid man.
"Kathie Lee: Home for Christmas" offers a sobering look into
the horrific existence of Kathie Lee Gifford and her hapless
family. My own experiences with the aggressively vapid
Kathie Lee had previously been kept to a bare minimum, in
part because Kathie Lee reminds me of the nattering, chirping
women who attended the Lutheran churches of my youth and
made me seriously contemplate converting to catholicism. This Christmas special is like watching people you don't much
like, doing things you really can't stand and singing songs you
especially don't care for. The premise -- and only in Kathie Lee's sick and twisted
alternative universe would a Christmas special need a premiss
-- is that Kathie Lee and Frank and their demonic spawn are
spending their Christmas at the family compound in Vail and
that they invite all their Hollywood pals like Aaron Neville and
Andy Williams to spend the holidays the Kathie Lee way.
Because what successful celebrity wouldn't want to spend
Christmas locked in a cabin with Kathie Lee Gifford? (Incidentally, after watching "Kathie Lee: Home for the
Holidays," Andy Williams' absence from the public eye as of
late no longer puzzles me...) The scene where Frank and Kathie Lee sit down to discuss
who to invite to their home for the holidays is a hoot, one of
those wonderful moments like when Howard Cosell called a
football player a little monkey or the entire run of "The Chevy
Chase Show" when the world as I am accustomed to
understanding it no longer existed and chaos had the run of the
place. "Hey, Kathie Lee," Frank may as well of said. "Why don't we
invite Lord Satan? After all, he's the one you sold your soul to
in order to have a career." The special was pretty much Kathie Lee sitting around with
her house guests having inane discussions about the holidays,
while Frank cooks pancakes and her troubled offspring run
amok. Every now and then, someone -- usually Kathie Lee --
sings. It would be acceptable if Kathie Lee opted for actual
Christmas carols. Instead, her special is mostly made up of
New Age touchy-feely easy listening tunes about nebulous
subjects like "Giving" and "Love" and "Peace" -- the kind of
music you hear at the dentist's office that makes you say,
"Hey, Doc, hurry up with the gas." What kind of parent is Kathie Lee to subject her doomed
children Cody and Cassidy to this drek? If nothing else, she
has doomed them to years of school yard beatings from
classmates who will remember being forced to listen to Kathie
Lee warble some God-awful song about "Giving Love and
Peace at Christmas" or "Christmas is a Time for
Pancake-cookin' with Frank." And the teachers and principals
will stand idly by as the blood begins to flow out of Cody's
and Cassidy's respective ears, for they too will know the
horror of watching Kathie Lee sing about the gift that Frank
gave her ("What I Really Gave You Was My Heart"). If nothing else, this special is a testament to Kathie Lee's
mammoth-sized vanity and incalculable self-conceit. Who
among us would not want to be immersed in even the most
banal details of my life, Kathie Lee seems to be asking. When
Andy Williams -- who earned some measure of fame by
making some Christmas specials of his own -- sings, the
majority of the camera shots are not of Andy, but of tight
close-ups of Kathie Lee, listening with rapt attention. This
speaks volumes about Kathie Lee's world view: even when
she's not the center of attention, she damn well better be. God, whom Kathie Lee claims to be quite a fan of, has a fair
amount to say about such behavior, particularly around the
Book of Proverbs. To fear the Lord is to hate evil;
I hate pride and arrogance,
evil behavior and perverse speech... Which pretty much sums up the content of "Kathie Lee: Home
for Christmas." At one point, Kathie Lee and Aaron and some chick whose
name I didn't catch and Frank, apparently waiting for his
pancake batter to cool, are sitting around saying deep things
about Christmas. "The only way we'll ever have peace on Earth," Kathie Lee
says, nodding earnestly at her own wisdom "is to have a world
where children know they're loved by their parents and loved
by God." Or to have a world where Kathie Lee doesn't have specials in
prime time. Philip Michaels is a reporter at Investor's Business Daily. His
non-TeeVee writing is on display at These Friends Of Mine. A list
of all 32 TeeVee pieces by Philip Michaels is available. ****
Great site, BTW. Carolyn
The postin' chick