Its debut season was an instant hit. Now, South Park will face the age-old dilemma: How do you top yourself?
The Future? "Oh my God, They Molested Kenny!"
July 4, 1998. Reasserting South Park's reputation as the most edgy and eccentric show on television, the launch of the second season is celebrated at a "rave"in a disused San Pedro roller rink, with journalists given directions written on the back of Fatburger french-fry bags. Hosted by a pointlessly grouchy Janeane Garofalo, the party was "stupid, boring, and pretentious,"Parker and Stone later chortle, but media hype continues unabated. The lone dissenter is New York Times culture critic Michiko Kakutani, who calls the show the "lede equine of the four horsemen of the coming Gen X cultural apocalypse."
July 8. The first episode of the second season, "Gangsta Gangsta,"airs: After Mr. Garrison gives the class an Ebonics lecture, Cartman and human beatbox Kenny (managed by Kyle), rename themselves "The Notorious P.I.G. and K-Ill."Backed by their posse, the South Park Killers, the duo cut a gangsta rap single, "SPK - What Does It Mean?"Even Chef is shocked by lyrics such as "Straight outta South Park, crazy motherfucker named Cartman / Spent my youth anal-probed by an ali-ennn!"Watching his own video at home, Cartman yells to his mom, "Yo, get me some Cheesy Poofs, bitch!"When Kyle's mother finds her baby son Ike singing the catchy chorus, "South Park, South South Park,"she petitions the Mayor to cancel P.I.G. and K-Ill's upcoming performance at the school talent show, but is thwarted by the ACLU. Meanwhile, P.I.G. and K-Ill fire Kyle as their manager because he's Jewish. Confused about his musical direction, Cartman vanishes, reappearing for the sold-out concert, unveiling his latest persona - Heavy C - and a new R&B-tinged hip-hop sound: "I say big-boned, you say obese / I'm blowin' up bigger than Dom DeLuise / Every step I take makes hearts start to break / 'Cause I'm beefcake, beefcake, beefcake!"An enraged crowd bum-rushes the stage. Outside the school auditorium, Kenny avoids a drive-by shooting, but is tragically cornered by a Kangol-sporting Quentin Tarantino, who attempts to "turn him on"to some obscure Bushwick Bill B-sides.
July 9. Racial activist Al Sharpton joins forces with rappers Fat Joe, Big Punisher, and Biggie Smalls's mother, Voletta Wallace, to protest the show's "stereotypical depiction of tragically overweight hip-hop performers."Prodigy sample Cartman's voice on their song, "Cheese My Bitch Up"and release an X-rated video in which a topless stripper is pelted with snack treats. The National Organization for Women calls for boycotts of every show on Comedy Central except for reruns of Absolutely Fabulous.
July 13. Wearing "Corporate Cartoons Still
Suck"T-shirts, a cranky Parker and Stone appear on an E! network broadcast of the Howard Stern radio show, trashing the "overmerchandised elitism"of The Simpsons and trying to fondle Stern sidekick Robin Quivers.
July 15. Episode 2, "Skinheads, Skinheads, Roly-Poly Skinheads,"airs. On a visit to Denver, Cartman meets some "new friends,"and upon returning to South Park, startles Kyle and Stan with a new look: flight jacket, jackboots, and closely cropped hair. "Hey, Cartman,"says Stan, "you look like Sting!"Meanwhile, Starvin' Marvin, the Ethiopian child the kids mistakenly adopted through a Sally Struthers commercial, arrives back in town as part of a U.N. conference on the New World Order. Cartman's new friends also come to town to hold a seminar on "the black helicopters."When Cartman introduces his new buddies to Kyle, they beat him up because he's Jewish. "Dude,"a bloodied Kyle says, "those guys are skinheads.""Fuck you,"replies Cartman, "they're not skinheads, they're French."After the skinheads tag swastikas on the front window of Tom's Rhinoplasty, the Mayor delivers a hysterical TV warning and asks talk-show host Jerry Springer to speak at a rally against racism. At the rally, Springer tells the crowd about his experiences as a child of Holocaust survivors, but Stan's Uncle Jimbo and his friend Ned the Vietnam Vet (both militia members) drown him out with gunfire. Chef steps to the microphone and breaks into song: "I have a dream / That one day all of God's women / Black women and white women / Jewish women and Gentile women / Protestant women and Catholic women / Will be making sweet love / Sweet, sweet love / Yes, I have that dream / Oooh, yes I do / Almost every night."Chef's song is interrupted by the skinheads, who have discovered that the tiny African tot is bundled up in a hooded snowsuit. They stomp the first child they see in a hood, only to discover they've crippled Kenny.
July 16. The "Skinhead"episode receives Comedy Central's highest ratings ever (besting even It's a Paula Poundstone Christmas!). Dogged by paparazzi, Parker and Stone are spotted with David Lynch gulping sugar substitute packets in a darkened corner booth at the Dresden Room.
July 22. Episode 3, "Just Say Nagano"airs: South Park's show-within-a-show, Terrance & Phillip, gets a new sponsor, the ultra-sweet candy "Gummi Euphoria."The kids are excited to try the new confection, but all the local stores are sold out. At a 7-Eleven on the other side of the railroad tracks, Cartman meets up with actor Robert Downey, Jr.
"Do you know where we can get some Gummi Euphoria?"asks Cartman. "Sure,"says Downey, handing him some small white pills. Caught with the Euphoria in Mr. Garrison's class, Cartman learns an important lesson about sharing: "If you want to eat candy in school, you have to bring enough for everybody."When the principal discovers the class engaged in a group hug/blackout, it's revealed that Cartman has actually turned the students on to GHB. The Mayor calms the fears of hysterical parents by arresting Robert Downey, Jr., and holds a special press conference, where Downey pitifully apologizes for everything he's ever done. To keep South Park youth away from pushers, school officials organize an emergency field trip to see the Colorado Avalanche hockey team play the New York Rangers in "the hottest game on ice."Cartman declares that his favorite Avalanche player is surly goon Claude Lemieux. "Cartman,"protests Kyle, "Claude Lemieux is the biggest cheater in the National Hockey League!""Screw you, hippie,"says Cartman, "cheating's cool!"Stan and Kyle's taunting of the Avalanche's hapless mascot "Flurry"leads to a melee between players and fans. Lemieux tries to fatally cross-check Kenny, but accidentally renders hockey trophy wife Janet Jones comatose. Chaos reigns. "Dude,"says Stan, "hockey is way better than drugs!""Yeah,"agrees Cartman. "Violence kicks ass!"
July 23. National Hockey League commissioner Gary Bettman protests the stereotyping of the NHL as overly bloody. "We are the hottest game on ice,"insists Bettman. However, CBC Hockey Night in Canada commentator Don Cherry praises South Park's realism. "Finally, somebody on television understands that hockey isn't for wussies."
July 29. Episode 4, "Chef's Big Score,"airs: Pursuing a lifelong dream, Chef takes a leave of absence from the cafeteria to try his hand at an R&B career. Mrs. Crabtree, the school bus driver, substitutes in the lunchroom, but the results are disastrous. Salisbury steak is replaced by "Pleistocene pot pie,"and Stan throws up, even when Wendy Testaburger is nowhere in sight. Unable to eat, Cartman begins losing weight rapidly. Meanwhile, "Theme from Chef"threatens to knock Elton John's "Candle in the Wind 1998: Song for Sonny Bono"off the top of the charts; its wah-wah-driven chorus is everywhere: "Who's the kitchen man who's hotter than a pan? / Chef, whoo, Chef! / Who's the lunchroom stud who makes female hearts go thud? / Chef, whoo, Chef!"While in L.A. to record a new Free Tibet benefit record, "Monk Aid,"with the Beastie Boys, Steven Seagal, and Carrot Top, Chef is caught in the back of a limo swapping recipes with a transvestite fry cook. His career in a shambles, unable to get booked on even the Keenen Ivory Wayans Show, Chef returns to South Park. Finding the town deserted, he discovers that everyone is at the hospital where Kenny has nearly starved to death, and a vigil is underway for an emaciated Cartman. Chef quickly whips up a Salisbury gravy I.V., saving Cartman, who suddenly begins shouting "Get jiggy with it!"for no particular reason.
July 31. In an effort to rebel against the Hollywood "inspired by"soundtrack formula, postmodern poster-boy DJ Spooky helms an album entitled South Park (Re)mixed, featuring 35 different "sonic musings"on the show's original theme song. Released by Geffen Records to great fanfare, the album is a critical and commercial embarrassment.
August 3. Nervous about the show's declining hipness, Comedy Central's publicity department begins planting false stories in national gossip columns about Parker and Stone's "secret relationship."
August 5. Episode 5, "Trial of the Century,"airs: Kenny is found dead in the basement of his parents' house, apparently strangled and sexually assaulted. "Oh my God,"says Kyle. "They molested Kenny!"Although suspicion immediately centers on Kenny's family because they're poor, everyone in South Park is a suspect. A note surfaces demanding a year of free cable, and the penmanship turns out to perfectly match a handwriting sample from Mr. Hat. NYPD Blue detectives Sipowicz and Simone are brought in to interrogate the smart-alecky hand puppet. When Mr. Hat proves uncooperative, Sipowicz slaps him around, which Mr. Garrison appears to enjoy a little too much. "I'm beginning to get a feeling that you and your little puppet friend are in need of some physical therapy,"warns Sipowicz, "and if that's the case only one of us is going to walk out of this room, and believe me, it's not going to be Kermit here."Mr. Garrison quickly gives up Mr. Hat and agrees to testify against him. Mr. Hat brings in Johnnie Cochran as his defense attorney. During the trial, it's revealed that Kenny's fatal wound was inflicted anally. "If he doesn't fit,"declares Cochran, holding up the hand puppet in question, "you must acquit.""Ooh, that's gross, dude,"squeaks Kyle.
August 11. Gay activists express outrage at the negative depiction of homosexual hand puppets. "This is the sort of hate-filled environment that has kept Lambchop in the closet for all these long, devastating years,"cries an outraged Shari Lewis in Out magazine.
Late August. Despite Parker and Stone's erratic behavior and the show's inability to stir up a decent boycott threat, South Park's growing cult success results in a considerable bidding war, and a deal is struck with ABC, the network that had gambled over the years on such taboo-busting series as Soap, NYPD Blue, Nothing Sacred, and Hiller and Diller. But the show's network premiere is delayed after ABC execs, under pressure from their corporate headmasters at Disney, veto prospective story lines. For instance: Kenny tries to commit suicide via autoerotic crucifixion; Stan gets lured by pedophiles into an Internet child-porn ring; Christian men's group the Promise Keepers harass the boys' friend Big Gay Al; Kyle becomes a Lubavitcher Jew; and Chef goes to the Million Man March.
Even when plots gain clearance, the kids' locker-room chatter is cleaned up drastically. Not only is there no foul language, but Kenny is allowed only a series of easily treatable ailments. One internal memo from a standards and practices exec declares that "if I wanted to hear 22 fucking minutes of bleeps I'd go buy a fucking Orbital record."
October 1. ABC airs promotional spots for South Park in which Stan and Kyle ice-skate and have a snowball fight in front of a giant network logo, all to a bouncy new theme song penned by the Cardigans.
October 9. The debut ABC episode kicks off as Cartman's mom remarries a widower with adorable twin girls (guest voices by Full House's Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen) who vie for attention with Eric when Mrs. Cartman gets pregnant using fertility drugs. Kenny hurts his knee curling. The McCaughey septuplets costar.
October 10. The Southern Baptist Convention issues a press release commending the show's "realistic depiction of today's youth."
October 16. Episode 2 airs: With the aid of a miracle, Stan and his sister discover the true meaning of Arbor Day. Jonathan Lipnicki guest stars as Stan's guardian angel, who helps him get in touch with the spirit of Princess Diana.
October 17. The New York Post's Page Six reports a rumor that Matt Stone has been studying the cabala with Madonna and Sandra Bernhard.
October 23. Episode 3: Mr. Garrison gets transferred to rough-and-tumble, inner-city South Central Park, where he inspires his indifferent and sometimes intimidating students to throw their hands in the air only after he's asked them a question. Kenny shuts his finger in a locker. Coolio guest stars as the ghetto school's no-nonsense principal.
October 25. ABC execs bring in writers from the farcical romp Dharma & Greg to "lend guidance"on Parker and Stone's scripts.
October 30. Episode 4: Kyle and Stan move to L.A. and rent a beachfront condo, where their next-door neighbors are two buxom dental hygienists (Elle McPherson and Rebecca Romijn) with hearts of gold and a taste for Scientology.
November. The radical reworking of South Park touches off a backlash from its core audience - fan-generated Web sites unleash flaming attacks on the show's new direction. Guilt-ridden creator Trey Parker, in an attempt to get back in touch with his original fans, starts haunting chat rooms and becomes romantically involved with an online groupie, who turns out to be a precocious 12-year-old named Missy from Tifton, Georgia.
December. Despite the promise of a live-action feature film project, Stone and Parker pull the plug on their beloved scamps with a final, tear-jerking episode.
December 23. The final episode, "Au Revoir, Les Enfants."Chef announces that he's leaving the cafeteria to replace Sinbad as the host of Vibe. Mr. Garrison wins the National Teacher of the Year award and goes on a space shuttle mission. Kyle gets accepted to a gifted and talented program at a middle school in Aspen. Stan and Wendy pledge eternal love. Kenny unties his hood to reveal that he is actually E.T., the extraterrestrial. Cartman learns to accept himself for who he really is.
======================== If a billion people believe in a stupid idea, it is still stupid.
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