Here's the first bit of my latest fic. Please tell me what you think. Note: This is not a sequel of Not Without My Anus. The title's just an allusion to it. Without any further ado:
____________________________________________ Without My Anus A South Park Episode by Martin Hazelbower
Based on a True Story
Titles and theme song.
In the classroom. GARRISON is drawing a big, complicated diagram on the blackboard.
GARRISON: So you see? This flowchart conclusively proves that the FBI is conspiring with the Cubans and the Pope to broadcast long-wave radio signals causing my hair loss and impotence. Any questions?
Every kid in the room raises their hand. GARRISON ignores them.
GARRISON: Good. I hate having to explain myself to you scruffy little brats. Next on the agenda, did everyone bring their item to place in the time capsule?
STAN: No, I think we all forgot.
CARTMAN: Mister Garrison, what's a...
GARRISON (interrupting him): What's a time capsule. You ignoramus! Everyone takes something from their lives and puts it in a box. Then we put all your parents' stuff into the box too, seal it, and open it in thirty years when I can blackmail you all with the contents.
CARTMAN: I was going to say, what's an item?
GARRISON takes a bottle of pills from his pocket, pops a handful, and washes it down with a slug of vodka from a bottle in his desk.
GARRISON: You little bastards are driving me to substance abuse!
PIP: I have my item, sir.
GARRISON: Thank God.
PIP: It's a thimble.
GARRISON: A thimble?
PIP: Oh yes, I'm quite the amateur thimbleologist. We can examine my thimble in thirty years and compare and contrast with the futuristic thimble technology we will have then.
CARTMAN: God damn, you suck Pip.
GARRISON: Does anyone else have theirs?
DIRTY KID (the one sitting in the front row of the class): I have a tumbleweed.
GARRISON: Wonderful. For our time capsule, we have one thimble and one tumbleweed. And your parents donated this.
He picks a package up from his desk and opens it. Inside there's a videotape.
GARRISON: Oh, it's a videotape. And there's a note. "Dear Children, we have made you a video to answer the questions you will have thirty years from now, such as Kenny MacCormick's face under his hood, Cartman's true parentage, and the twisted secrets that are Chef's past. Hopefully when you are all thirty-eight you will be able to handle the earthshaking answers and their incredible ramifications." Hmm, sounds interesting. Now children, gather round and watch the capsule be built.
Everyone gets up and crowds around GARRISON as he drops the thimble, tumbleweed, video and note into a box. He closes the box.
GARRISON: Now children, this capsule works by the honor system. I'm going to leave it under the steps, outside the school. I'm trusting you not to open it for thirty years.
CLYDE: What if we've moved out by then?
GARRISON: Ha. The don't call this town the "Death Pit with No Escape" for nothing.
CLYDE: Oh.
The bell rings. Everyone leaves.
CARTMAN's house. CARTMAN's taking all sorts of food out of the fridge and piling it on the counter as the other scamps sit on the counter by the sink and look on.
CARTMAN: Where's those deviled eggs?
He roots around in the fridge.
KYLE: How can you eat all that stuff? Look at this!
He looks through the pile of food.
KYLE: Canned doughnuts... Cheezy Chocolate... Mooky Loaf... Dandruff Bits... buttered margarine...
CARTMAN: I'll have you know that I'm a growing boy!
He takes everything on the counter and wads it up between two slices of bread.
KENNY: (How are you going to be able to swallow all this shit?)
CARTMAN ignores him, takes a bottle of chocolate syrup, and empties it all over his sandwich. The sandwich is half as tall as him by now and almost as wide.
CARTMAN: Voila! Eric the wonderful chef pulls off a masterpiece!
He grabs the sandwich and bundles it into the microwave.
STAN: You do know that eating makes you fat, don't you?
CARTMAN: No, that's just an old wives' tale.
He presses a few buttons on the microwave. It starts, then explodes in a bubbling splash of sandwich slop. The microwave door flies off its hinges and spins into KENNY's throat like a ninja star. KENNY grasps at his throat and falls over into the sink. His flailing arms hit a button on the wall marked "TRASH COMPACTOR." The compactor sucks him up and sprays him out in a bubbly red geyser, all over CARTMAN.
STAN: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
CARTMAN: Goddammit, now I have to take a shower! Go home!
STAN: What an asshole.
STAN and KYLE leave.
At night, in STAN's bedroom. He lies awake in his bed.
On the clock by his bed. It says "2:30."
STAN: I can't take it anymore!
He gets up and phones KYLE. The screen splits in two; one half shows STAN, the other KYLE.
KYLE: Hello?
STAN: Hey.
KYLE: You can't sleep either, huh?
STAN: Nope. I keep wondering about that videotape.
KYLE: Well dude, let's go and check it out!
STAN: Isn't that stealing?
KYLE: Probably.
STAN: Isn't stealing wrong, or something?
KYLE: Maybe, I forget. You should ask the Lord for guidance.
STAN: Okay, I'll phone you and tell you what he said.
KYLE: Bye.
They hang up. STAN phones JESUS.
JESUS (tired and confused): Hello?
STAN: Hey Jesus, is it okay to...
JESUS: Yeah, yeah, sure. Blessed art thou. Bye.
He hangs up and goes back to sleep.
STAN: Cool!
Outside the school, at night. The scamps arrive.
STAN: It's supposed to be right here.
CARTMAN: Let's get it and go, this place looks haunted.
KYLE: You're scared of everything, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Am not!
KYLE: Hey Cartman, you have a click beetle on your hair.
CARTMAN screams and jumps three feet into the air.
KYLE: Ha, you're scared of click beetles.
CARTMAN: Hey, click beetles are scary. One time my friend's friend's uncle's friend�s roommate�s friend tried to dry his pet click beetle off in the microwave, and the microwave made it crazy, and it ate him, and then it exploded! All over him!
KYLE: Oh, shut up.
CARTMAN: You shut up, you copronecropedophiliac!
KYLE: Copronecropedophiliac?
STAN: That's when you have sex with a *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP* and you *BLEEP* *BLEEP* the *BLEEP* *BLEEP* ass *BLEEP* *BLEEP* scoop *BLEEP* out of it *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP*.
KYLE: Whoa!
STAN: Now shut up, I'm going to get the video.
He goes under the stairs and comes back a second later with the video.
CARTMAN: We can watch it at my house. My mom won't wake up.
KYLE: She's still sleeping off the world record gang bang, eh?
CARTMAN: Screw you guys!
CARTMAN's house, at night. The scamps sit on the sofa.
STAN: Here we go.
He lifts the remote control and presses a button. The TV starts to play the video.
On the TV screen. STAN'S DAD is sitting on a chair, reading lines off a piece of paper.
STAN'S DAD: Er... ahem. If you are... seeing this... you are thirty-eight years old and mature enough to handle... the earthshaking truth about everything... you know. First off, Eric Cartman's real parents are...
The screen dissolves into static, and then becomes solid black. A caption appears on the screen.
ANNOUNCER: And now it's time once again for the HBC Movie Of The Week.
CARTMAN (O.S.): Goddammit! Someone recorded over this!
Zoom in further on the screen, until it's the only thing visible.
ANNOUNCER: Canada's hottest action stars!
TERRANCE's head appears on the screen.
ANNOUNCER: Terrance Mackenzie!
PHILIP's head appears next to TERRANCE's.
ANNOUNCER: Philip McCrack!
They fade out.
ANNOUNCER: In the epic story of loss and betrayal that shocked a generation!
Caption: Based on a True Story.
A road. Slowly pan across it, until we come to a sign. Zoom in on the sign. It reads "Welcome to Canada. Population 1500."
Huge fancy caption: Without My Anus.
Inside TERRANCE & PHILIP's house. They're sitting on the couch. PHILIP farts.
PHLILP: Terrance, I have an announcement to make.
TERRANCE: Yes Philip? Was it aboot that fart?
PHILIP: No, I got you a present!
TERRANCE: Wow! You are such a good friend, Philip! What is it?
PHILIP: Find out yourself. I placed it in the crack of your ass while you slept!
TERRANCE: So that explains my irregular bouts with farting pain.
He drops his pants and farts. A big wrapped present shoots out of his ass onto the floor.
TERRANCE: Thank you, Philip!
He opens the present. There's a weird mechanical thing inside.
PHILIP: It's a fart barometer!
TERRANCE: A fart what?
PHILIP: A fart barometer! It measures the amount of farts in the air. Here, let me show you what it's all aboot.
He holds the barometer and farts. A little needle on the barometer goes up from 0 to 5, on the scale of 0 to 10.
TERRANCE: Magnificent!
The both start farting and laughing hysterically. The barometer needle immediately goes up to 10. TERRANCE stops and wipes sweat from his brow.
TERRANCE: Whew!
PHILIP keeps farting. The barometer spontaneously combusts.
PHILIP: You're not doing so well on the fart endurance, old chum. Haen't you been working out?
TERRANCE: Oh Philip, what with my busy lifestyle I have little time for working out on our Sphincter Master 3000.
PHILIP: Well, you should make time! Here in Canada, a man is judged by the power of his fart.
TERRANCE: I know, I know. Would you like to watch Canadian TV?
PHILIP: Yes, let's watch Canadian TV.
PHILIP turns the TV on. On the TV, two Americans are sitting on a couch. There's a big American flag hanging above the couch.
TERRANCE (O.S.): I just love Marcus and Kenneth!
PHILIP (O.S.): Yes, they show us the American lifestyle!
MARCUS (speaking in an exaggerated Texan drawl): Would you like some chicken fried steak, Kenneth?
KENNETH (speaking in an exaggerated Bronx accent): Yep. I love chicken fried steak.
On T & P.
TERRANCE: Uh-oh! I bet I know what's coming!
On the TV.
KENNETH: Marcus, I think that chicken fried steak might make me belch.
MARCUS: Well, don't belch on me, Kenneth.
KENNETH: Sure. On a completely unrelated topic, I think I might be developing strep throat.
MARCUS: Really? Let me see.
KENNETH opens his mouth. MARCUS leans over to look in. KENNETH belches in his face. They chuckle slowly.
On T&P. They laugh their asses off.
PHILIP: Well, enough TV. It's a beautiful day, let's go to the beach.
TERRANCE: Sounds like fun.
They leave.
A Canadian beach. T & P enter and sit down. They take off their shirts to reveal letters written on their chests.
PHILIP: The beach sure is fun, Terrance!
TERRANCE: Yes! What can we do here?
PHILIP: Why don't we look for female pop vocalists?
TERRANCE: Good idea! This being Canada, female pop vocalists are thick upon the ground.
They look around. The "looking for treasure" music plays.
TERRANCE: Oh look, there's one!
Pan right, to SHANIA TWAIN laying on the beach. "S.T." is written on her bikini top.
SHANIA TWAIN: Oh, hello Terrance and Philip.
PHILIP: Hello, Shania Twain.
TERRANCE: How are you today?
SHANIA TWAIN: I'm quite fine. Yourself?
TERRANCE: Terrific!
He farts. They laugh. He sits down beside her.
TERRANCE: So, what have you been doing lately?
SHANIA TWAIN: Just keeping myself busy...
A shadow falls over them. Pull back to reveal the source of the shadow, GIGANTIC CARL. He's a tall, muscular Canadian.
CARL: What're you doing with my girlfriend?
PHILIP: Oh no! Our old nemesis, Gigantic Carl!
SHANIA TWAIN: Um... Carl, it's not what you think...
TERRANCE: Go away, Gigantic Carl!
CARL: What did you say?
TERRANCE: I said go away! You're not welcome here!
PHILIP: Are you mad, Terrance?
CARL: If you want Shania Twain, you've got to fight for her!
SHANIA TWAIN: Boys, don't do it!
CARL: I challenge you to a farting contest.
TERRANCE: I accept.
PHILIP: Oh, raspberries.
CARL grunts with effort, then unleashes a titanic fart that blows SHANIA TWAIN back several feet. Everyone laughs.
TERRANCE: You call that a fart? THIS is a fart.
He grunts. Nothing happens.
CARL: Can't you even fart, you Kroff Dinner addicted dick?
TERRANCE: It's coming...
He grunts again. He farts a tiny fart.
CARL: Butterflies can fart better than that!
TERRANCE: Best two out of three?
CARL: No!
He grabs TERRANCE by the hair and lifts his head up, off his body. He throws the head into the ocean. TERRANCE stumbles around.
PHILIP: Oh no! Gigantic Carl, you've thrown my lifelong friend's head into the ocean!
CARL: So? What are you going to do aboot it?
PHILIP goes and gets TERANCE's head and puts it back on his neck.
PHILIP: Come on, Terrance. Let's get out of here.
TERRANCE: Gigantic Carl, you were cheating!
CARL: Hah! You're just a sore loser!
SHANIA TWAIN: Alas Terrance, I fear our love will never be.
TERRANCE: Just you wait!
At their house.
TERRANCE: That Carl thinks he's so great! B ut he's not! He's a simple-minded dick!
PHILIP: Let it go, he beat you fair and square.
TERRANCE: I will never let it go!
PHILIP: Cool down! I know, would you like some beans?
TERRANCE: No!
PHILIP: Kroff Dinner?
TERRANCE: No!
PHILIP: Flapjacks?
TERRANCE: No!
PHILIP: Poutine?
TERRANCE: No!
PHILIP: Why, no other foods are legal in Canada! Are you feeling all right?
TERRANCE: Alas old friend, I am consumed by jealousy and bitter shame.
He farts. They laugh.
TERRANCE: I will set things right. I swear it on the name of Canada!
PHILIP: Don't get too overexited. Have a nap.
TERRANCE: Yes, I believe I shall.
TERRANCE leaves.
PHILIP farts very loudly, even for him.
PHILIP: Oh, that one sure cleaned out the old alimentary tract. Terrance, did you hear that?
Silence.
PHILIP: Terrance?
Silence.
PHILIP: I wonder what this is all aboot.
He leaves.
Their bedroom. A door is open. PHILIP enters.
PHILIP: Terrance?
He goes out the door.
Outside a building. A garish neon sign says "ILLEGAL BLACK MARKET FART AUGMENTATIONS PERFORMED WITHIN. NO POLICE PLEASE."
Inside the building. TERRANCE is talking with a doctor.
DOCTOR: I believe we have something that can help you.
TERRANCE: Stupendous!
DOCTOR: Are you familiar with the term "colonic steroids?"
TERRANCE: No, can't say that I am.
DOCTOR: The procedure is quite simple. Hold still.
The DOCTOR pulls a bottle of pills out of his pocket and pours it down TERRANCE's throat. He then does the same with a bottle of liquid medicine, an ant farm and a goldfish bowl.
TERRANCE: Shall I fart?
DOCTOR: I see no harm in that.
TERRANCE farts. It's nothing special.
DOCTOR: One more thing.
He pulls a big spring from his pocket.
TERRANCE: Doctor, what's that spring for?
Shot of the building from the outside, far away. Voices are heard.
DOCTOR: Bend over, Mr. Mackenzie.
After about a second, TERRANCE screams and then laughs hysterically. The sound of TERRANCE farting is heard. It's incredibly loud and so powerful that it blows the building apart.
On TERRANCE, standing in the wreckage.
TERRANCE: I've got you now, Gigantic Carl.
End of Act 1.