The Case Of Mr.Hat Mr. Hat gets stolen, Daria Morgendorffer's class goes on a field trip to South Park, and an adbonimable snowman is loose. To you, it's insanity, but to Stan, Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny, it's just a part of growing up in South Park.
(Theme song:Scene~ Stan's house. Its Stan's 9th birthday. The cake is ready to be served. Cartman rushes at it like a mad bull.) Stan: Dammit, Cartman! The cake is for everyone, not just your fat-ass! Cartman:(mouthful of cake) Screw you, hippie lover! (Ike bounces into the room, wearing a cone shaped party hat. He announces his arrival as a bunch of mumbled words, and sits down on the floor.) Kyle:(grinning) Kick da baby! Ike: Don't kick the baby! (he bounces away from Kyle) Stan: Well.. This is pretty boring. What do you guys wanna do? Kenny: Mmph rmm mmmf rmph! Kyle: Kick ass, dude! Yeah! Let's play truth or dare. Some blonde boy: Ok.. I go first. Kyle.. Truth or dare? Kyle: Um.. Truth? Other boys: (laughing) Wimp! (Kyle flashes them the birdie while the blonde boy thinks.) Blonde boy: Ok.. Uh.. Kyle: I'm waiting! Blonde boy: I'm still thinking, dumb-f***! Kyle: Ass-rammer. Cartman: Hurry it up, will ya? Blonde boy: Okay, okay. I got one. Truth.. Who do you like the most in our class? Kyle: Like there's much of a selection. (the other boys laugh) Kyle: Umm.. Wen--(Stan flashes him a look), I mean, Bebe. Okay, Cartman, truth or dare. Cartman: Dare. No, wait, I mean truth! Truth! Other boys: You can't change it! Cartman: Goddammit. Kyle: Okay.. (Stan whispers something to him. Kyle grins.) Alright, Fatty. I dare you to wear a posterboard that says "I am a cheesy poof machine fat-ass" Friday to school. (Stan whispers again) No, I mean, "I am a CheesyPoof-aholic fat-ass." (everyone laughs except Cartman.) Cartman: Grrrr.... Stan, truth or dare. Stan: Uh, dare. Cartman: Well, birthday boy, I dare you.. to.. (over exaggerated silence) Steal Mr.Hat from Garrison! (everyone gasps. Stan passes out. Cartman laughs.) Cartman: Dumb-ass. (takes Stan's plate of cake)
(Scene: Bus, which says "Lawndale School District" on the side. We see familiar characters, Daria and Jane, sitting dully on a brown seat.) Jane: A four hour bus trip. To Colorado. With Kevin singing "100 bottles of beer on the wall" the whole way. What kind of torture is this? Daria: I don't know, but it's a very, very cruel one. (She goes back to reading her newspaper, Sick Sad World, while Jane puts her earphones back on. A few seats behind them, Quinn is surrounded by the three J's~ Jamie, Jeffy, and Joey.) Quinn: So, I was like, a field trip to Colorado? How ill is that? And Sandi's like, "Well it better be good for the fashion club, we might pick up some winter style up here!" and, I'm like, "Please! That is so totally tacky! This is a small little hick town that I've never heard of before, and Road Rules never even went there!" So, this is like, so not formal. Jeffy: I agree, Quinn. Joey: You are soo, right, Quinn. Jamie: Everything you say is right, Quinn. Quinn: (smiling) Oh, stop. (A few seats ahead of them, on the right aisle, Brittany is excitedly gabbing to Jodie who seems to be falling asleep.) Brittany: We've got a few new cheers to learn for next week's big game! And Kevvy's the star quarterback! Jodie:(yawning) I know. Brittany: And we get to wear our new uniforms! Jodie: That's nice. Brittany: Oh, look outside! A walking snowman! And.. And.. He's looking at me! Jodie: How wonderful for you. (Fade out to scene)
(Scene: School. The classroom) Kyle: What are you gonna do? Stan: I dunno. Kyle: Everyone knows about the dare, dude. You can't back out. (Mr.Garrison walks into the room.) Mr.Garrison: Hello, class. Mr.Hat: Hello! Mr.Garrison: Today, we are going to be learning about peer pressure. Can anyone tell me something about peer pressure? (Cartman raises his hand.) Mr.Garrison: Yes, Eric? Cartman: Is that why Marilyn Manson said "I don't like the drugs but the drugs like me"? Mr.Garrison: Not exactly, Eric. (Kenny raises his hand) Kenny: Mmph rmmph mmf? Mr.Garrison: That's a labotomy.. Anyone else? (Wendy raises her hand) Wendy: It's when people your age pressure you into things you don't want to do. Mr.Garrison(relieved): Thank you, Wendy, that is correct. Cartman:(to boy behind him) Teacher's pet. Kyle: (to Stan) Wouldn't that be Mr.Hat? (they both laugh nervously, remembering the dare) Wendy: Shut up, Cartman. Cartman: Not a chance, hippie. Wendy: Bite me, fat-ass! Mr.Garrison: Okay, kids, break it up. Anyway, moving on, some teenagers from Lawndale are coming to help teach you about peer pressure, what it means, and how to deal with it. They should be here by tomorrow. And-- (Suddenly, that fat scientist dude, Mestapho and his mute sidekick, Kevin, burst in.) Mestapho: We've got terrible, terrible news everyone. I have created an adbonible snowman. All the kids: Cooooooooool. Mestapho: But it has escaped. And it will destroy anything in its path. Mr.Garrison: I have a question. Mestapho: Yes? Mr.Garrison: What the hell possessed you to do that?! Mestapho: Because it's neat. Anyway, it is very, very hungry, and-- Mr.Garrison: I have another question. Mestapho: What? Mr.Garrison: What the hell is that little thing? (looking at Kevin.) Mestapho: Why does everyone always ask that at the worst possible time?! It's not importa-- Mr.Garrison: I mean, what's it supposed to be? A monkey? A midget? A preserved caveman? What?! (Everyone looks at Kevin) Wendy: Ewwwww!! Stan: Dude, this is pretty f***ed up right here. Kyle: Totally. (Suddenly, a huge snowball is pelted against the window, breaking the glass. Outside stands the ugliest snowman you ever saw, also the same one Brittany saw.) Mestapho: It's the evil sn-- Some kid: Snowball fight! (All the kids rush outside hurriedly, trampling Mr.Garrison, Mestapho, and Kevin.) Mr.Hat: What is going on, Mr.Garrison? Mr.Garrison: I don't know.
(Scene: Outside) (Cartman, some blonde kid, Kyle, and Stan are on one side. Kenny, Wendy, Pip, and another classmate are on the other side. The other kid hurls a large snowball at Cartman) Redhead kid: Take that! (Cartman gets embarrassed and throws a hard one back at him, but the redhead ducks and it hits Pip. Everyone except for him laugh.) Pip: Oh, dear. (He brushes himself off and tosses back a delicate little puff of snow.) Blonde boy: What was that supposed to be? Cartman: It was a snowflake! Hahahah-- (Wendy throws another hard ball of snow into Cartman's open. laughing mouth.) Cartman: Ay! (Everyone starts to walk away) Cartman: Damn hippie.
(Scene: Creaky old hotel. Mr.O'Neill and Mr.DeMartino are talking to Officer Barbrady.) Barbrady: I'm sure you'll have a lovely time in this town. Mr.DeMartino:(grumbling to himself) I'm sure we will. Mr.O'Neill: Oh, I'm sure we'll have a great time! (he steps in front of the old hotel and shouts at the bus) Hurry up, everyone! Time's a wasting! (Ms.Barch, Ms.Li, and the students all complain and moan as they load their bags off the bus and walk inside. Mr.DeMartino follows, mumbling about arthritis.) Mr.O'Neill: Exactly how old is this hotel? Barbrady: How many years? Well, about four--(the porch starts to collapse)--thousand.
(Scene: a room. Daria and Jane are seated in an old wooden room.) Jane: This isn't so bad. Better than being in class. Daria: Yeah, but now, we get to go to another school, where Quinn, Brittany, and Kevin will influence defenseless little eight year olds on how to coordinate your clothes, make your hair bouncy, and throw a football. How exciting. Jane: You have a point. But at least I have my walkman. (she leans against the bed. Daria sighs, and leans against hers.) (In the hall, a phone rings.) Mr.DeMartino: Daria! Phone, goddammit! Daria: Nice to see you too. (she takes the phone from him.) Hello? Helen: Hi, sweetie, I just wanted to call in to see how you and Quinn are doing! Daria: Mom, we just got here. Helen: I know, but Colorado is big, and can be exciting. I'll bet you're staying in a marvelous hotel! Lots of celebrities have visited South Park, you know. Daria: Actually, we're staying in a pissant little hick village in a 6 story cardboard box that's four-thousand years old. Maybe the Flintstones were here once. Helen: (nervous laughter) Well, I just wanted to say I love you, tell Quinn I love her, and I'll see you two soon! Bye bye! (Daria hangs up and walks back to the room where Jane already has her easel and paints set up. She's staring out the window.) Daria: Ah. I see the cardboard box from Hell is giving you some inspiration. Jane: Actually, no, that fat kid outside is. I'm painting him and his little "hick" friends. (We see Jane's easel, with a picture of Cartman, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny.) Daria: (looking out window) Hmm. (shrugs, and sits down on her old bed.)
(Scene: Kyle's room. The gang is standing around.) Kyle: So how are you gonna snag Mr.Hat from Garrison, dude? (Ike bursts in, interrupting Stan.) Ike: Mmph gon take mm hat foam teacha? Kyle: Shut up, Ike, that's none of your business! Ike: Mm, buh peep are 'side! (Ike points outside, where the blonde kid and Wendy are standing.) Cartman: What the hell are those hippies doing here? (They all rush to the door and open it) Wendy: We want to help! Blonde kid: Mr.Hat must be destroyed! Kenny: Mmph mmf rmmp fmph mmp rmmf. Blonde kid: Oh. Stan: Let's go in and plan! (They come inside) Stan: Well, first I think we should-- (Ike bounces over) Ike: Mm, per duck eh snow! Cartman: Huh? Ike: Buh mm snow, duck! Kyle: Go away, Ike. Ike:(frantic) Duck snow! Wendy: Your brother's got issues. (All of a sudden, a huge snowball crashes through the window, shattering glass.Everyone ducks just in time) Everyone: Ahhhhhhhh! (The ugly snowman from school stands outside, laughing maniacally. Kyle's Mom walks in.) Mrs.Brofloski: What the--(sees the evil snowman.) I'm not even going to ask.
(Scene: Mestapho's labaratory.) (He, Kevin, and Chef are staring mindlessly at an empty freezer.) Chef: Uh, remind me what escaped this time? Mestapho: An adbonimable snowman. Chef: Ah-hah. (he whistles nervously) So, what does this snowman do? Mestapho: It's alive, evil, and throws explosive snowballs. Chef: Why don't you just melt it? Mestapho: I've tried that already. Its powers are much too strong. Chef: Does anything destroy it? Mestapho: Well.. Yes. One thing. Extreme annoyinglyness and perkiness. But I doubt we'll ever get any of that here. Not unless Richard Simmons comes to town, anyway. Chef: I see.
(Scene: Classroom.) Mr.Garrison: Good morning, class! Today, here are some special guests from Lawndale to talk to us about peer pressure! You will meet more of them tomorrow and the day after.(he reads off of a list) Jodie Landon, Brittany Taylor, Quinn Morgendorffer, and her sister-- Quinn: Cousin! Mr.Garrison: I mean, cousin, Daria. (The eight year olds stare up at them blankly.) Daria:(to Jodie) This is going well. If they stare at us hard enough, maybe we'll will melt into acid. Jodie:(snickering) Shh! Mr.Garrison: So go ahead. Ask them any questions you like. (Bebe raises her hand) Bebe: Quinn, how do you get your hair so shiny and bouncy? (As Quinn starts a lecture, Daria turns to Jodie again) Daria: I knew it. We're in Village of the Damned. Or maybe, soon, Village of the Quinned. (Cartman raises his hand) Cartman: Brittany, are you related to Barbie? Brittany: Huh? Cartman: I mean, you're both blonde and plastic, are you like sisters or something? (the eight year olds, Daria, and Jodie burst out laughing.) Daria: These kids might not be so bad after all. (Kyle raises his hand) Kyle: Okay, um, my Mom said you guys were like going to babysit me and some of my friends? Quinn: Yeah! Like, I totally, need the money. And then I can buy cuter outfits so I can be wayyyy cuter than Sandi, then I'll be the President of the Fashion Club, but then I'll be wayyyy too busy, 'cause Joey asked me out Friday, but then, so did Jamie, and then... (Quinn goes on and on.) Kyle: Dude! I hope I don't get her or the blonde one. They're too hyper for me. Stan: Yeah, I know, break out the prozac. Jodie:(to Daria) Smart kids. Mr.Garrison: Any more questions? (Wendy raises her hand.) Wendy: Do you think, in this episode, Trey and Matt can kill Quinn instead of Kenny? Kyle & Stan: Yeah! Kenny: Mmph-hmm! (nodding) Mr.Garrison: I don't know if that is possible, children. That's like, asking for Bill Clinton to stop screwing Monica Lewinsky. Stan: Damn. (Pip raises his hand) Pip: Quinn, do you think you will be my babysitter? (Wendy raises her hand again.) Wendy: No, scratch killing Quinn. Can we kill both Quinn AND Pip? Other kids: Yeah! (Daria smirks.) Mr.Garrison: I wish.. Don't get your hopes up, kids. Pip: Oh bother. I just asked to-- Clyde: Shove it, Pip. Pip: Right-o.
To be continued.. (All comments, suggestions, complaints, criticism, and other shit would be appreciated! Thanx)
~Andie