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�Diamond Dave's Most Normal Episode... Ever ___________________________________
By �Dave D. . April27AM...?after 4 AM. All lyrics� - - - - - - - - - - - - Chapter 1a).
The scene sees Stan in a Tux, onstage at Carnegie Hall. He is addressing a large audience. Stan is really nervous.
Stan: (Pausing) " Please welcome to the ' First Annural South Park Awards...the Parkies"
The crowd approves positively...with a yes. The stage lighting picks up Cartman. He has been covered with gold glitter (resembling a gold statue) and is pushing his mom to get out of the way of the spotlight.
Mom: "...Eric, you behave nicely or ..no more sliced meats and sushi!"
Cartman: "But mom..I can't go out there looking like ..like that Liberace guy"
At this point, the roof of Carnegie Hall is Slightly lifted by Trey and Matt. They are peaking in. There eyes shift from side to side and they are ....grunting (in Canadian), Phillip arrives between Matt and Trey's face. He looks from side to side and asks the question:
Phillip: " I thought you guys made me gay?"
The crowd politely claps.
Kenny's is being played by Diamond Dave. Kenny, arrives between Matt and Phillip, stares directly at the camera and says:
Kenny: "Mm'm mmm mmmmmmm mmmmmm M'mm mmmm mmmm!.....mm mmmm m mmmmmmmm?" {It's the biggest vagina I've ever seen!.....is that the clitoris?}
The roof of Carnegie Hall closes suddenly. The polite crowd claps enthusiastically. Camera pans to reveal a surprised Stan.
Stan: "...Yes, and here to present the award for 'Most ...baddest Acting in a scene... Award' are Mr. Mick Jagger and Mr Keith Riff'ards..."
The spotlight picks up Jagger and Richards as they approach the podium. As they reach the podium, Keith falls over. Mick helps him up.
Keith (grasping like he does) : "..nah nah..allright"
Mick: "F*ckin' 'ell Keef!...you allright?"
Keith:(Still Grasping) "nah nah, I thought I saw an American dime.... man"
The crowd is very silenced and say nothing. Mick is pointing to the Royal Box.
Mick: "Look!...it's the f*ckin' Queen!"
Keith: "..ahahahha...hey queeny man?....do you like Bob Marley man?"
Mick: "......Keef you wanku...read that card"
Keith: "Wot f*ckin' card man?...oh f*ck, I can't even see that card"
Mick (Looking down) "...prat!...anyway, It is nice to be here presenting the award for 'Most Outstandingly Bad Acting in a South Park Episode'"
The crowd claps in anticipation.
Keith : "Yeah yeah...that's it"
Mick: "And the nominees are"
An enormous screen drops down . The lights dim.
Mick: "..Ned... in 'Staked to an Ant Hill' "
The crowd claps appreciatively. A young Ned is seen Staked to an Anthill in Vietnam.
Ned (on video): " mmOw!...oww...mOwww!
The screen changes to Barbrady diss-mounting a sheep. His ass is blacked out.
The crowd laughs. Micks' voice.
Mick: "Officer Gordie Barbrady in...' My three Lambs'"
Barbrady( on screen): "Hoo, .......I was just practicing my pommel horse dismounts....that light is awfully bright!"
On the screen Stevie wonder is seen conducting the London Symphony Orchestra, live via satellite, from Vancouvers' Roughrider Stadium...in Semaphore code.
Mick: "Stevie Wonder in the Live Aid Reunion Special: I Gonna Play Sun City"
S_Wonder: " I'd like to introduce a very special friend to you all right now....Mister Robert Smith!"
The crowd goes nuts as Mr Wonder gestures to stage left and Mr Smith arrives stage right.
The packed crowd at the Carnegie Hall shows their appreciation. Back to Mick Jagger and Keith Richards on stage. Keith is pointing to someone in the first row.
Keith Richards: "..oh f*ck man...you've got some big f*ckin' t*ts!"
The crowd is silent. Go to commercial. As we rejoin the scene, the orchestra is playing the Cures' 'It's Friday, I'm in Love'. The crowd is going insane the trio of Matt Stone, Trey Parker and Kenny (Dave(Diamond Dave)) are being led out to the podium by 3 topless, big Breasted redheads. Beautiful jigglers! You know.. no sillicone....They arrive at the podium. The girls wave and leave. Kenny Stares...... Matt is looking like an afro'd Trainspotting Jewish lad (With Pudding on his face). Trey (also with Pudding on face) is dressed calmly. And Kennys' orange jacket is done up unusually tight. His blue jeans stick out about a foot from the bottom of his over-sized jacket. His plain brownrunning shoes are tied with neon yellow laces. Kenny Stares directly at the camera and says:
Kenny: "mmmmm mmm mmmm mmmmm mmmm Mmmmmmmm' Mmmm' mmmmmmmm!.....hmhmhmhm" -{You guys smell like Cartmans moms' Bathroom.....hahahaha!}
The star studded crowd gives a standing ovation. Kenny blinks. Matt Stone Leans into the mic and says: "...iii#"
Go to commercial. Back to Stan the MC.
Stan (still a little nervous): "And here to hand ...out the Award for ..Most Disgusting barf scene......Mr. Marylin M#" Stan is interrupted.
Cartman enters the spotlight. 3 people clap.
Cartman: ".Oho- thank you Vancouver...I mean...Ibizza, never mind "
Enter Garrison\Hat. The crowd erupts into fits of blatant laughter.
Garrison: "You fat f*ck!.....oh! is this Christ forsaken thing on?"
Jesus the heckler lifts the roof off of Carnegie hall. And angrily exclaims:
Jesus: "Your microphone works properly......I'm watching you .....thats much better!"
The roof slams and we are taken to centre stage. The spotlight is on the amazingly mis-shapen Mr. Marylin Manson. MM is standing, wearing nothing but a pair of crotchless fishnets. Really lovely....just Not on a man! His private area is obscured by a blacked out oval which follows him around. Manson stomps around the stage and comes to centre stage and stands facing the crowd, he insists...
MM: " YOU are looking at My c*ck!
Scene sees kyle's mom watching at all happening on Tv. She's really pissed off.
Mrs. Brawslovski? "Bubby! , did he just say look at my .....p*nis?
Kyle interupts aggresively:
Kyle: "....Did you f*cks just f*ckin' bleep the word p*nis? .....what about dick? and unit? and chopper?
Kenny: "Mm, mmmm'mm Mmmm!" -{No, They're Okay.}
Matt and Treys' boots step on Kenny!
Thanks, Dave
The
Meanwhile, Mr Marylin Manson