[The next day. On the stage area]
Mayor: Okay everbody, it's time to welcome everbody's favourite... <covers the mike up> What does he do again? Igg: I... noone knows Mayor, it's a mystery. Mayor: uh... everybody's favourite person, Bill Gates. Come up here Mr Gates!
[A 3ft dwarf wearing bermuda shorts, a string vest, a John Virgo waistcoat and a red bandanna steps out from behind the curtain]
[NOTE: John Virgo is an ageing snooker commentator known for his flashy, if not totally tasteless waistcoats. He has had no relation to South Park, until now]
Everyone: Oooooooo! Stan, Kyle and Cartman: Woah! Mr Garrison: <from the crowd> I have that waistcoat in red! Mr Hat: <from the crowd> You haven't worn that in ages Mr Garrison! Kenny: Dude, it IS the Bill Gates that makes porno movies and eats kebabs! Stan: What? Kenny: He makes porno movies! Stan: 'Kay. Townsperson: <from the crowd> Who's he? Mayor: So Mister Gates, wh... Yeah. Who are you? Dwarf Bill Gates: I make porno movies and eat kebabs. Mayor: Really, well that's... great. <to her assistant's> Lose the press, get them out of here before they... Oook: <off screen> Uh Mayor, the mike is on. Mayor: This is a disaster!
[A limo pulls up. A man gets out, wearing a T-Shirt that says 'I built the Microsoft Corporation and all I got was a lousy $100 billion']
Mayor: Who are you? THE Bill Gates: I'm Bill Gates. Here have a free copy of Windows '98!
[Tosses the mayor a CD]
Mayor: At last Bill Gates is here! Dwarf Bill Gates: I know I am! THE Bill Gates: So, it's my evil twin brother, Bill Gates. Dwarf Bill Gates: We meet again! Stan: You guys are twins? Dwarf Bill Gates: It's a long story, kid. THE Bill Gates: I have looked for thee for twenty nine years with no avail. Now it is time to meet your doom! Stan: Dude this is pretty fucked up right here! Kyle: Yep. Mayor: Somebody explain this to me. Steve Buscemi: Maybe I can help. Mayor: Not another fucking weirdo! Steve Buscemi: Hello. I'm Steve Buscemi. 29 years ago, the mother of Bill Gates... Jimbo: <from the crowd> Which one? Steve Buscemi: What are you a retard? Both of them! Didn't you hear them say they were brothers? Jimbo: No. Steve Buscemi: My bad.
[The crowd look blank]
Steve Buscemi: If I may continue, 29 years ago, the mother of these bastards here had a baby. <points to Dwarf Bill Gates> This baby was so incredibly deformed that at soon, the mother wanted the baby destroyed. but something strange happened. Mr Garrison: <from the crowd> Why does that not suprise me? Mr Hat: Yeah! Wierd stuff always happens in this town mister! Steve Buscemi: The baby grew and gained sentience with great speed, soon, he was old enough to drink, and retired to Mexico with a Plymouth Fury, some fava beans, and a nice kiante. Noone heard of him again, ever! THE Bill Gates: Until now. Steve Buscemi: Until Now. When this Bill Gates <points to THE Bill Gates> was old enough, he developed a curious interest in the history of his apparent dead brother, as well as a computer company on the side. When he was 27, the Dwarf Bill Gates gained knowledge that would make him the most powerful person on Earth, except for Barbara Streisland. Kyle: <from the crowd> What was it? Steve Buscemi: Don't you know? Kyle: No. Steve Buscemi: What's the most important thing to a man? Chef: Oh not this again! Stan: Uhh... bicycles? Cartman: Ham? Kyle: No it's not ham Cartman, you retard! Cartman: Shut up Jewey, it's ham, isn't it Steve. Steve: Yes. Everone: What?!? Steve Buscemi: Dwarf Bill Gates ate 30 kilos of ham a day for nine years, and after having sex with a goat... Dwarf Bill Gates: And a donkey! Steve Buscemi: ...he found he had the rulebook to Scrabble. He waited for what seemed like an eternity, amassing his Scrabbicular knowledge and reading through every dictionary until he was the best Scrabble player in the world. He has waited all his life to beat his brother in a game of Scrabble, and now, that time has come. Mayor: All this over a game of scrabble? Steve Buscemi: Yeah. Mayor: Oh. Steve Buscemi: And? Mayor: It just seems a little... immature, that's all.
[THE Bill Gates walks on stage, joinging Steve Buscemi, the Mayor and Dwarf Bill Gates]
THE Bill Gates: This man is the evil of the Earth, nothing is more nasty and horrible than this piece of shit right here! <points to Steve Buscemi> Steve Buscemi: Hey. THE Bill Gates: ...than this piece of shit right here! <points to Dwarf Bill Gates>
[Kenny rushes on stage]
Kenny: Bill Gates! Bill Gates! Can I have your autograph? I loved your 'Lesbian's After Dark' trilogy! Dwarf Bill Gates: You did? Oh, that was my best trilogy. Wait, where's you autograph book? Kenny: Uh... Cartman: <from the crowd> His family is so poor they can't afford an autograph book. They have to put their house up for a mortgage everytime they want a cup of coffee!
[Everyone laughs]
Kenny: Fuck you fatboy! Cartman: AY! Why don't you go back to your ghetto in North Dakota, and leave me here to try and tidy up this podunk little town.
[Silence]
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about? Cartman: I'm just saying Kenny's a poor son of a bitch, that's all. THE Bill Gates: Enough! Let the final apocolyptic battle between multi-billionaire computer tycoon and 3ft scrabble expert be fought right here in South Park.