Act 3:
In the hospital room. SHANIA TWAIN and PHILIP sit by TERRANCE. A DOCTOR enters.
DOCTOR: And what seems to be the trouble here?
PHILIP: This man is my best friend, and his colon may be damaged irreparably! You must examine him!
DOCTOR: Very well.
He taps TERRANCE's knee with a little reflex-testing hammer. TERRANCE's leg twitches.
DOCTOR: Right. He's been abusing colonic steroids. We must operate immediately!
SHANIA TWAIN: Colonic steroids? Terrance, why? Didn't your medical training warn you about such a dangerous, untested form of fart augmentation?
Melodramatic music starts to play.
TERRANCE (weakly): I did it for you, Shania Twain... uggh...
He faints.
SHANIA TWAIN: Terrance! Terrance!
DOCTOR: He's fading fast.
The doctor speaks into a walkie-talkie.
DOCTOR: Set us up for a sphincter reconstruction, stat! We don't have much time!
PHILIP: Hey doctor, guess what?
DOCTOR: What?
PHILIP farts. Everyone laughs.
SHANIA TWAIN: You can't die, Terrance! I won't let you!
Several DOCTORS appear and wheel TERRANCE away.
Fade to black.
VOICE: 'Without My Anus' is brought to you by the Fatty Goo Corporation. Take advantage of this commercial break to go enjoy some of their fine snack food items, such as Choco Slop, Cheezy Poofs and Cheezy Poofs Lite! We are telling you this simply because they are the best foods ever created, and not because of a multi-trillion dollar merchandising deal.
On STAN, KYLE and CARTMAN, sitting on the sofa.
KYLE: Wow!
STAN: Surrealism, social satire, and farting! What more could you ask for?
CARTMAN: Stan, Terrance is gonna be okay, right?
STAN: We don't know.
CARTMAN: You can't die, Terrance! You can't!
He starts to cry.
KYLE: Dude, if you don't shut up I'm gonna kick your ass straight to Mexico.
CARTMAN: My mom says... there's a lot of black people in Mexico.
KYLE: Your mom's a slut with a dick. What would she know?
STAN: Dude, it's on!
On the TV. PHILIP is talking to a D0CTOR.
PHILIP: Is he okay?
DOCTOR: We should know any time now.
A NURSE pushes TERRANCE through the door on a gurney.
PHILIP: Could you save him?
NURSE: You might want to sit down.
PHILIP sits on the gurney.
NURSE: We could stabilise him, but we couldn't save his colon. Unless he gets a sphincter transfusion, he'll never be able to fart again.
PHILIP: He... can't fart?
NURSE: I'm afraid not. I'm sorry.
PHILIP: Why, God? Take me instead! Take me!
A bolt of lightning streaks down at him. He screams and jumps out of the way. The lightning hits TERRANCE instead, shooting him through the air and into the wall. He hangs there.
PHILIP: Oh my! Terrance is embedded in the wall!
NURSE: Code Blue! Code Blue!
A hospital room. TERRANCE is awake and sitting up in the bed. PHILIP, a DOCTOR and SHANIA TWAIN stand by him.
SHANIA TWAIN: We can get through this, Terrance!
TERRANCE: Leave me. Without my anus, I am half a man.
SHANIA TWAIN: Don't even think that way!
PHILIP: Terrance, I will donate my sphincter to save you!
DOCTOR: It's not that easy. We need Type N sphinctral tissue, and the operation costs 500,000 Canadian dollars.
PHILIP: What? This is Canada, where such an operation is paid for by the taxpayers!
DOCTOR: Our health care system was unexpectedly altered under mysterious circumstances. Now you'e got to pay.
PHILIP: A new wrinkle in the plot! Shania Twain, we are in quite a predicament!
DOCTOR: By the way, you have a visitor.
TERRANCE: A visitor?
SCOTT enters.
SCOTT: Ha, you are in a hospital bed! I deduce that you have cancer, and so my plan worked! Ha ha ha!
SHANIA TWAIN: What are you talking about?
SCOTT: Since our childhood, I have been attempting to give Terrance cancer with the power of my mind! Now my plan has worked!
SHANIA TWAIN: You heartless, cruel dick!
SCOTT: And now, my crowning touch: I will give you amorial plebitis with the awesome powers of my mind!
He waves his arms at TERRANCE:
TERRANCE: You are such a dick, Scott!
SCOTT: You're a dick!
TERRANCE: You're a dick!
SCOTT: You're a dick!
TERRANCE: You're a dick!
SCOTT: You're a dick!
TERRANCE: You're a dick!
A pause.
SCOTT: You're a dick!
PHILIP: Doctor, this man is clearly insane. He needs an immediate treatment with di-chloro-tetra-hexy-bi-tri-monosodium etrasorbate!
DOCTOR: Couldn't hurt.
The DOCTOR injects SCOTT with a needle.
SCOTT: What in the name of Canada did you just do?
Suddenly, SCOTT's arms fall off.
DOCTOR: We're trying this experimental compound out on people. I trust that's okay with you?
SCOTT: No it's not okay with me! Reattach my arms, you quack!
DOCTOR (writing on a little clipboard): People with no arms are dicks...
In the White House. BILL CLINTON is sitting in his office, American-looking again. An ADVISOR enters.
ADVISOR: Mister President, your approval rating is soaring!
CLINTON: Good! So I don't need you anymore -- get out!
ADVISOR: You can't do this to me!
CLINTON: I just did! I don't have to pay your salary anymore!
ADVISOR: You don't pay my salary anyway!
CLINTON: The check's in the mail. Now get out!
He presses a button on his desk. A trapdoor appears in the floor. The ADVISOR falls through it.
ADVISOR (getting fainter): Slick Willie, you're a dick...
CLINTON laughs maniacally.
CLINTON: And now for my press conference.
He goes out the door into a room full of REPORTERS.
REPORTER: How do you respond to allegations of being a slut?
CLINTON: Um... shut up. Next question!
REPORTER: How were you able to rebuild the health care system and save yourself from impeachment?
CLINTON: Let's just say that I had the help of our friends from the Great White North.
REPORTER: You stole their system, huh?
CLINTON: Um... shut up. Next question!
In the hospital room. SCOTT has left.
PHILIP: How will we get 500,000 Canadian dollars to pay for your operation, Terrance? That's (pulls out a calculator and punches keys) almost 2,000 American dollars!
TERRANCE: Only one option remains to us, old friend. We must sell our bodies on the street.
SHANIA TWAIN: Terrance, that's incredibly brave.
PHILIP: No way, that's gross! It totally sucks ass!
TERRANCE: But what other choice do we have?
PHILIP: You're right. Come, Terrance, we must become whores.
TERRANCE: I don't like it either, but there's nothing else we can do.
Outside the hospital. TERRANCE and PHILIP stand there, in halter tops and miniskirts. Their faces are covered with badly applied makeup.
PHILIP whistles at a passing man.
PHILIP (trying to sound sexy): Hey, looking for a good time?
TERRANCE: Philip, it was my understanding that we would be selling our bodies to women.
PHILIP sighs.
PHILIP: Whatever floats your boat, Terrance.
TERRANCE: What's that noise?
PHILIP: What noise?
TERRANCE: That cheering noise! It's coming from the direction of the United States!
PHILIP: Yes, I see it! Perhaps someone over there farted.
TERRANCE: We must investigate!
They go into the hospital and come out a second later not looking like whores.
TERRANCE: Follow me!
They walk off, in the direction of the border.
At the border.
PHILIP: Terrance, I'm not sure that I want to go through with this. I have never been over the border before.
TERRANCE: Nor have I, but there comes a time in every man's life where he... um... walks over the U.S. / Canada border.
PHILIP: Right. Let's do it.
They walk over the border. Immediately they change into Americans.
TERRANCE: What's happened to you, Philip? You have become grotesquely ugly, and I don't want to be seen in your presence.
PHILIP: Me? What about you? You look like an American!
TERRANCE: An American? Oh my God! We have been transformed into Americans!
PHILIP: Maybe you have. I'm still Canadian through and through. Observe!
He tries to fart. Nothing happens.
PHILIP: Hmm. Prehaps I need some Kroff Dinner.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls a box of Kroff Dinner out. He opens it and pours the contents into his hand. Instead of Kroff Dinner, hot dogs come out.
PHILIP: Oh, damn! My Kroff Dinner has been transmogrified!
TERRANCE: We must get out of this crazy country fast!
PHILIP sniffs the hot dogs.
PHILIP: Hey Terrance, these smell pretty good. Try one!
TERRANCE and PHILIP each eat a hot dog.
TERRANCE: These are good! Philip, this country has a strange appeal... No! Philip, we are mocking our Canadian heritage! Philip!
As TERRANCE talks, PHILIP eats the rest of the hot dogs.
TERRANCE: Philip! Don't do it! Don't succumb to the charm of these freakish United States!
PHILIP: Oh, Terrance, lighten up. Have some more hot dogs. They are what dreams are made of!
TERRANCE slaps PHILIP.
TERRANCE: Philip, I know you can still hear me under that American shell! Fight it! Fight it, Philip!
PHILIP: Oh Terrance, I just love the United States. Would you like to play baseball?
TERRANCE: To hell with you! I will investigate the United States myself.
He walks off.
On CLINTON, giving an open air speech. TERRANCE pushes past the hordes of reporters and sits at the front.
CLINTON: And you see, that's how I singlehandedly invented our new health care system.
TERRANCE: New health care system?
CLINTON: That's right! I stole it from Canada, and gave them ours!
The crowd gasps.
CLINTON: Um... I mean I didn't steal it from Canada.
TERRANCE: You stole our health care system?
CLINTON: I believe I have answered that question fully and completely.
TERRANCE: You're a dick, Slick Willie!
CLINTON: You're a dick!
TERRANCE: You're a dick and a freak! You stole our health care system!
CLINTON: People of America, this man in the red shirt is a Communist!
He points at TERRANCE. TERRANCE screams and runs away. Hordes of people chase him.
TERRANCE: I'm not a Communist! Slick Willie is!
MAN: Slick Willie's a communist? Get 'im!
The people chase CLINTON instead. CLINTON dives through a big picture window into the White House to get away.
TERRANCE: I shall have to remember that trick.
He walks off.
At the border. TERRANCE stands there.
TERRANCE: Well, back into Canada I go.
A big car shaped like a hot dog drives up, honking its horn at TERRANCE. It stops. PHILIP gets out. He's now dressed in a ridiculous red, white and blue striped Uncle Sam suit with a matching stovepipe hat and big fake beard. He waves an American flag around as he talks.
TERRANCE: Philip! What in the name of Canada has happened to you?
PHILIP: It's the American Dream, Terrance! Now I sell hot dogs and chicken fried steak to Americans!
TERRANCE: I'll get help for you, Philip! You will be admitted to the best insane asylum in Canada, and submitted to the finest electroshock treatments! I swear it!
He runs back over the border, becoming Canadian again.
In his house. He sits with SHANIA TWAIN, eating bowl after bowl of Kroff Dinner.
TERRANCE: You're sure I don't have American dirt on me?
SHANIA TWAIN: I'm sure, I'm sure!
TERRANCE: I'm going to scrub my outer layer of skin off with steel wool again! I still smell like hot dogs and chicken fried steak!
SHANIA TWAIN: You're not tainted with Americanism! You've scrubbed seven layers of skin off of your body! You're clean!
TERRANCE: I guess I am. It's just that with everything happening to me, I'm spinning out of control. I can't fart until I have an expensive operation, that dick Bill Clinton just stole our Canadian health care system, and my best friend has been corrupted with the American Dream! He's selling hot dogs, Shania Twain! Hot dogs!
SHANIA TWAIN: I know, and it's terrible. But you've got to pull yourself together! We will reclaim our health care system, and Canada will be whole once more! You've just... you've just got to have faith in yourself, Terrance!
TERRANCE: But... it's hard. I'm still getting used to being unable to fart, and everything else isn't helping.
SHANIA TWAIN farts. They laugh.
TERRANCE: Shania Twain! That fart gives me hope once more!
SHANIA TWAIN: Does it?
TERRANCE: Yes! Even though I may be unable to fart, Canada still can! I'm proud of Canada, Shania Twain, and its honor is important to me! We must get our health care system back.
SHANIA TWAIN: How?
TERRANCE: I was figuring you had a plan.
SHANIA TWAIN: No.
TERRANCE: Well, we must think.
They think.
TERRANCE: I've just thought of something!
SHANIA TWAIN: What is it?
TERRANCE: Kroff Dinner flavored poutine would be an enormous commercial success!
SHANIA TWAIN: You're right! Terrance, we must make some of this delicacy immediately!
Outside the house. TERRANCE and SHANIA TWAIN sit at a kiosk with a big sign that says "KROFF DINNER FLAVOURED POUTINE -- $150.00." A crowd rushes up and buys it all, leaving them with a huge pile of money.
TERRANCE: Shania Twain, we must have thousands of dollars here!
SHANIA TWAIN: Five hundred and two thousand! Do you realise what this means?
TERRANCE: Yes! I can get my sphincter transfusion, and regain my confidence!
SHANIA TWAIN: Exactly! What a good idea that was.
TERRANCE: Oh, it was just a happy accident. Off I go!
He gets a wheelbarrow and pushes the money into it. They go off to the hospital, pushing the wheelbarrow.
At the hospital waiting room. TERRANCE puts all the money on the counter.
TERRANCE: I want a sphinctral transfusion, please.
NURSE: Sure. Right this way.
She leads him into a small room. SHANIA TWAIN sits in the waiting room, chain-smoking. Various extremely strange noises are heard from the room. After a while, the door opens and TERRANCE struts out.
SHANIA TWAIN: Was it a success?
TERRANCE: Why don't you see for yourself?
He farts, then jumps up and down with glee.
SHANIA TWAIN: Oh, I'm so happy!
TERRANCE: As am I! My self-confidence is renewed. Now, I believe we have some unfinished business.
SHANIA TWAIN: That we do. It's off to America we go.
They go off to the border. PHILIP is still driving around in his hot dog car. TERRANCE and SHANIA TWAIN cross the border. Their bodies become American.
TERRANCE: Philip!
PHILIP gets out of the car, still wearing the Uncle Sam suit.
SHANIA TWAIN: Philip! What's happened to you?
TERRANCE: He's forgotten his Canadian heritage, that's what's wrong with him.
SHANIA TWAIN: Snap out of it!
She pours a bucket of water over his head.
PHILIP: Hi, Shania. Put 'er there!
He shakes her hand.
TERRANCE: We must proceed to Plan B.
They grab PHILIP and tie him up.
PHILIP: You can't do this to me! I'm an American citizen!
TERRANCE: This is for your own good.
SHANIA TWAIN: Let's get him back to Canada and deprogram him.
TERRANCE: Good idea. Philip, it's time for your deprogramming.
They carry him back over the border, turning back into Canadians.
In their house. PHILIP is tied to a chair, being deprogrammed by SHANIA TWAIN and TERRANCE.
TERRANCE: Now Philip, would you like to eat flapjacks, or Cheezy Poofs?
PHILIP: Cheezy Poofs!
TERRANCE: Damn, damn, damn! Philip, why are you so excruciatingly hard to deprogram?
SHANIA TWAIN: We have to keep working on it. Here, let me try.
She presses a button on a stereo. "O Canada" starts playing.
TERRANCE: Good idea!
TERRANCE starts to force-feed him beans.
PHILIP (singing): O Canada... our home and native land... no... no... Oh say, does that star spangled banner yet wave... with glowing hearts we see thee rise...
TERRANCE: I think it's working!
SHANIA TWAIN: Here, Philip. Have some Kroff Dinner flavoured poutine.
She gives him the poutine. He farts.
PHILIP: What the... Where am I?
TERRANCE: You're in Canada, Philip.
PHILIP: Oh, glorious Canada. It's great to be back.
They untie him.
PHILIP: Something feels unfinished.
TERRANCE: Yes, Slick Willie still controls our magnificent health care system.
PHILIP: What can we do? We can't go back into America -- our bodies are too weak to take such strain much longer.
SHANIA TWAIN: I have an idea.
TERRANCE: An idea?
SHANIA TWAIN: Yes! We must hit him with a taste of his own medicine! We must fire Kroff Dinner at him with the Canada Arm.
TERRANCE: That's not a taste of his own medicine. That's our medicine.
SHAINIA TWAIN: Oh yes. Shall we do it anyway?
PHILIP: Certainly.
He pulls a cel phone from his pocket and phones someone.
PHILIP: Hello? Yes, I have a favor to ask of you. You remember that secret weapon we put in the Canada Arm? Well, it's time to use it. We must fire it at Bill Clinton, and fast! Yes, thank you.
He hangs up.
TERRANCE: Who did you phone?
PHILIP: Let's just say that, as a world famous architect, I have friends in high places.
In a big, high-tech room. UGLY BOB sits at a computer, the paper bag on his head.
BOB: Boy, the things I do for Terrance and Philip.
He types something into the computer.
BOB: Ground zero: Slick Willie.
He presses another key.
A space shuttle, orbiting the earth. The Canada Arm emerges from it. The Arm reaches back into the hull and grabs a big, bomb-like thing, then throws it at America. As it goes through the atmosphere, its outer casing burns away, leaving a big, flying ball of Kroff Dinner.
On CLINTON, standing on the lawn in front of the White House. A shadow falls over him. He looks up.
CLINTON: Kroff Macaroni and Cheese! No!
The ball of Kroff Dinner falls on him, squishing him flat. TERRANCE runs up, grabs the Canadian health care system from his hand, and runs back across the border where he is met by PHILIP and SHANIA TWAIN.
TERRANCE: I did it!
SHANIA TWAIN: You did!
She kisses him.
PHILIP: I'm so glad that everything worked out for the better. I love Canada!
TERRANCE: We all do! Is this the greatest country in the world, or what?
"O Canada" starts to play.
SHANIA TWAIN (singing): O Canada...
TERRANCE and PHILIP join in.
TERRANCE, PHILIP and SHANIA TWAIN (singing): We really think you're grand...
UGLY BOB and CELINE DION enter, holding hands. They join in.
EVERYONE (singing): Kroff Dinner in a smelly wonderland...
BARKY and PURRY join in, as do various other Canadians.
EVERYONE (singing): With farting butts we see thee rise, the true North strong and free! O Canada, we stand on guard for thee!
Pull back. GREAT BIG SEA joins in.
GREAT BIG SEA (singing): Cod, cod, it's the perfect fish, fried or boiled, it's quite a dish, cod for me, cod for you, would you like to have some too?
Everyone simultaneously farts, and laughs their asses off. A Canadian flag appears, superimposed over everything. Fade slowly to black.
Caption: The End.
On the kids, sitting on CARTMAN's sofa.
STAN: Dude, that kicked ass!
KYLE: Whoa! Look at the TV!
On the TV. The screen dissolves into static, and then becomes the original time capsule video again, with STAN'S DAD sitting in a chair.
STAN'S DAD: And finally, Eric's real parents are Ms. Cartman and the...
Suddenly, a meteor smashes through the wall and hits the VCR, reducing it to dust. It then explodes.
CARTMAN: Aw, sh*BLEEP*t.
Credits. When they're over, they're replaced by a blank screen.
Caption: This one's dedicated to all the South Park fanatics on the net, especially Kyle; and Canada, the greatest country in the world.
The caption fades out, to be replaced with a new one.
Caption: As long as you like the smell of Kroff Dinner and farts, that is.
Fade out.