SP: the PAHT PAHH episode Part 3 (of 92)
[it's lunchtime at school]
Chef: "Helloo there children."
Kyle/Stan/Kenny/Cartman: "Hi Chef."
Chef: "Enjoyin' my SWEET home-made pig-knuckle pot pies?"
Kyle: "PIG knuckles?"
Chef: "Drippin' wet with tobasco sauce..."
Kyle: "Chef..."
Chef: "...lusty bloooo-berry jelly..."
Stan: "Eh, Chef..."
Chef: "...gooey mozzerella cheese flowin' like a..."
Kyle: "Chef?"
Chef: "...makes me wanna...makes me wanna..."
Cartman: "Just sit tight dudes."
Chef: "MAKE SWEET LOVE to the pot PIE-yie-yie..."
Cartman: "It's not over yet."
Chef: "All NIGHT long with my hon-ey...oh yeah..."
Cartman: "Makes me wonder if Chef gets any. A-heh..."
Kyle: "CHEF GOD DAMMIT WE GOT A PROBLEM HERE!"
Chef: "Oh...ahem...sorry there, chilluns. What's wrong in Whiteyville today that ol' Chef can help yuz with?"
Kyle: "Cartman's a RACIST PIG!"
Chef: "Ooooh, no, Kyle..."
[brief shot of Cartman stuffing his face with pot pie]
Chef: "...the little crackah's just confused, that's all."
[another shot of Cartman, mouth full]
Chef: "He'll grow out of it. He can't be *that* DUMB."
Stan: "He'll grow out of his shirt if you're gonna make pot pies every day from now till Christmas."
Kyle: "Yeah, Chef, what's the deal?"
Chef: "Now you just leave the cookin' to old Chef here, and mind your own business. There's a strange things a-goin' on in South Park lately..."
Kyle: "What do you mean? Nothing strange ever happens in South Park. This is the most boring little town this side of the Republic of Texas."
Chef: "Yeah. Well, whateveh, best not to trouble your ...undeveloped crackah little minds over this matter of the pot pies, here, ya see, coz..."
[long pause]
Stan: "Coz what, Chef?"
Chef: "This conversation ain't bein' tape-recorded now, is it?"
Kenny: "**"
Chef: "Coz ya see, the guv'ment...they gots ways a findin' out things. Things about ol' Chef here. Things ...that yuz doesn't wanna know."
Kenny: "**** ** **** ** ** * * ***** * ***** * * **** *** * ***** ****** * ** * *** * * * * *********** * * ****, ****, *** * * ****."
Chef: [stunned] "What does any of that gotta do with me, son?"
Kenny: "**** * * ** **** * **** ** *** ****** *****."
Chef: "Internet my ass!"
Kyle: "Yeah. Kenny's been hangin' out at my house teachin' me the art of invasion of privacy. It's pretty cool!"
Cartman: "That's bullsh*t."
Chef: "Well, then yuz probably knows about the...PAHT PAHH conspiracy then."
Cartman: "Eh! God! I feel SICK!"
Chef: "Whattsa matter, dough-boy?"
Cartman: "Kenneh must a wizzed in his...eh, my, PAHT PAHH while I wasn't lookin'. Kenneh I oughtta kick yeh ass!"
Chef: "Nooooo, chillun, this is way, way above Kenny's humble little station in life. This is BIG."
Kenny: "*** * **?"
Chef: [shrugs] "Maybe not that big. But it's BIG none- theless. Whatever youz two fella's learned over the internet you'd better forget it, and forget it fast, or you'll be makin' sweet luv in 8-by-9 cellblocks for the rest of your sorry cracker-ass lives."
Stan: "What?"
Chef: "Eh...sorry. I forgot I was talkin' to a bunch a school kids. Let's just say...ain't nobody knows nothin. Dig?"
[Chef shuffles off]
Stan [to Kyle]: "Dude. That was strange."
Cartman: "GAD DAMMAT I think I'm gonna PUKE! Kenneh what did yeh do to mah PAHT PAHH??"
Kyle: "Dude, it's got nothing to do with Kenny. Didn't you hear Chef?"
Cartman: "All I heard was a bunch a bull. Kenneh you wizzed in mah PAHT PAHH!"
[Wendy comes along]
Wendy: "Gross! And you ate it, Cartman?"
Cartman: "Eh-heh. But I didn't know that Kenneh wizzed in it, yeh see..."
Wendy: "NO, stupid. Don't you guys know about the pot pie conspiracy?"
Cartman: "Well why doesn't somebody tell ME about this little paht pahh conspiracy...since I've been eatin' em the last three days."
Kyle: "Gimme a break, Cartman. Only three days?"
Cartman: "What ah you bastards tryin' to do, poison me?"
Kenny: "**"
Cartman: "I'll deal with yeh later, Kenneh."
Wendy: "I read all about it on the Internet!"
Stan: "I didn't know you had a computer, Wendy."
Cartman: "Yeah, what's a liberal hippie like you... doin'...doin'..."
[Cartman's face turns green]
Stan: "Boss! Cartman just turned green!"
Cartman: "GAD DAMMAT KENNEH I'M GONNA KILL YEH FOR WIZZIN ALL OVER MAH PAHT *PAHH*!"
Kenny: "** ** **** *** * * **** *** * *****"
Kyle: "Yeah, and from what we've read, you're doomed Cartman."
Kenny: "*** * ** ***"
Kyle: "Ebola city, dude. You're toast."
Wendy: "Well at least SOME good is going to come out of this horrible, horrible conspiracy. Oh Stan???????"
Stan [dumbstruck]: "Eh..."
Wendy: "If you promise not to barf all over my computer I'd like you to come over to my house this afternoon."
Kenny: "**** *** ** ***!"
Wendy: "How DARE you!"
Kenny: "*** * * *** * ** ******* ****"
Wendy [aghast]: "I'm calling the PRINCIPAL!"
[Wendy runs off]
Stan [to Kenny]: "What the hell did you have to say all that for? Wendy's my friend."
Cartman [turning more green]: "Eh God. I'm gonna be sick. Somebedeh call...9...1..."
[Cartman passes out]
Kyle: "Then why do you vomit all over her every time you see her? How is that the basis for a lasting relationship?"
Kenny: "*********"
Kyle: "That's sick."
Kenny: "*** * * * * **** * **** * ******"
Kyle: "There's a website for that too? Cool!"
Stan: "Hey, I don't think Cartman is breathing. Maybe we better call the school nurse."
Kenny [shaking his head]: "**!"
[later 'NURSE EVA's' office, Cartman...and a fat nurse]
Nurse: "There ya go, young man!"
Cartman: "AAAHHgg! What happened! Who the hell are you? Get me atta here! I been kidnapped!"
Nurse: "And here's a note that says you can go home for the rest of the afternoon."
Cartman [much calmed down]: "KICK ash."
Nurse: "But no more pot pies for you, little boy. A strict diet of celery, brocolli and water from now on. You've gotta few extra pounds to shed."
Cartman: "Not as many as you yeh fat bitch. I'll eat whatever I damn well want! I've gotta put on a little...a little muscle, yeah that's it, a little muscle right here, yeah..."
Nurse: "Noooo, sir, I don't think so!"
Cartman: "And take this hose outta mah butt!"
[outside...]
Stan: "Cool! Cartman's got a hose up his butt!"
Kenny: "**** ** * ** **** *"
Kyle: "Well now there's a hose there too."
[inside...]
Cartman: "And DAMMAT if yeh stick anything else up meh butt I'm gonna call the A.C.L.U. Gad dammat I am!"
[Cartman exits office]
Stan: "Have fun in there Cartman?"
Cartman: "Screw off! I'm goin' home to watch Terrance and Phillip! Have fun in homo class with that gay homo Mr. Garrison and his gay puppet coz I'm outta here."
Kyle: "Didn't you hear? School's closed. Everybody's gone home except for us."
Cartman: "Then what the hell are we doin here when we could be at MAH house watchin' Terrance and Phillip on mah satellite tee-VEE?"
[Chef comes by...]
Chef: "Say, ain't you children s'posed to be at home?"
Kyle: "No, Cartman wanted Nurse Eva to stick a hose up his ass."
Chef: "What the hell for?"
Kenny: "********"
Chef: "Oh, that."
Kyle: "You should see Kenny's website! Five-hundred megabytes of RAM dedicated solely to the act of..."
Stan: "There's a website for that TOO?"
Chef: "'Course there is, boy. You been livin' under a rock? That intranet stuff is all a bunch a porno- graphic heathenism. Gotta get ME a faster MODEM someday...!"
Kyle: "Stan's ISP sucks big time. He didn't even know about the pot pie con..."
Chef: "SHHHHHH!"
Cartman: "Screw this internet BULL! Satellite TV is where it's at. You can't get Terrance and Phillip on no god damned computer!"
Kenny: "** * * **"
Cartman: "That's bullsh*t Kenneh."
Kenny: "*** * * ******* * * * **** * ***** *** * ** **** * **** * ***** ****..."
Cartman: "Absolute bull."
Kenny: "...******* * * ***** *** * * * * * * **** *** ** * *********** **** * ****. **** ** ***."
Cartman: "You lyin' sack a turds, Kenneh."
Chef: "Ooooh, it's true, little ones. And when the C.I.A. comes a knockin' on my door, you can count on ol' Chef to be one armed and dangerous mother f***er."
["Shaft" theme song begins]
Chef: "Yer damn, right..."
[with the word "Chef" in place of "Shaft"]
Chef: "WHO is the MAN...?" [continues in background]
Stan [to Kyle]: "I think Chef's lost it."
Chef: "CHEF! Damned right..."
[guitar solo, song ends]
Chef: "But first I gotta get me some sweet luvin'."
Kenny: "** **** *** ** *** ** *** *******?"
Chef: "Ain't no danger of that, son. This town is whiter than anything this side of the Republic of Texas."
Cartman: "My uncle Bob works for the Republic of Texas, y'know. The R-O-T kicks ass."
Stan: "You liar Cartman! Militia separatists don't wear women's underwear."
Chef [to Stan]: "Child, you have been livin' under a rock."
Cartman: "Uncle BAAB was on an undercover misshenn."
Stan: "Doin' what?"
Cartman: "Eh...it's eh...well it's nen eh yeh gad damn business is what it is, Stan."
Chef: "Gay as the Queen a Hearts, he is, that Uncle Bob a' yours."
Kenny [nodding]: "**"
Cartman: "Kenneh, you ah no longer allowed to come over to MAH house."
Kenny: "*** * * **** *** * ***?"
Cartman: "Unvcle BAAB ain't like that!"
Kenny: "** ** **** ** **** ***, ***** ** ***, *** *** *** * *** **"
Kyle: "Yeah. Maybe that's why Cartman's so fat."
Cartman: "d...d...DAMMAT!" [storms off]
Chef: "Man that is one sorry ass little crackah mother f***er. Makes me wonder what the hell I'm doin' in this little white-ass town."
Kenny: "**** ***"
Chef: "You got that right. Where the hell is Eric's father anyway?"
"YOU'RE WATCHING COMEDY CENTRAL. STAY TUNED FOR MORE..."
(maybe not, this has got pretty boring)