"SUBSTITUTE TEACHER"--an unproduced South Park script
USUAL OPENING TITLES
TRANSITION MUSIC--ESTABLISHING STOCK SHOT OF SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY
GARRISON'S CLASSROOM
Garrison: This morning, children, you're going to have a
substitute teacher. (behind Garrison, on chalkboard,
for speed readers and those with pause buttons:
WIN BEN STEIN'S SALARY
MATTHEW BROADRICK'S DECADE OFF
BLEARY EYES SOLUTION)Stan: Cool!
Kyle: Yeah, substitutes are pushovers!
Garrison: Your substitute teacher this morning is Ben Stein.
(into the room walks a bad construction-paper cartoon rendering of Ben Stein)
Stein: (in total monotone) Good morning, boys and girls.
Stan: Why is he talking like that? Is he dead or what?
Kyle: Maybe he's a zombie! (alarums and excursions)
Cartman: Aaaaaah! Zombie teacher! (tries to wedge himself under his desk, does not succeed)
Garrison: If anyone wants me, I'll be in the teachers' lounge,
whacking, er, hacking at the computer. (leaves room with
dog-eared copy of Hondo, or Inches, or perhaps
Big Gay Al's Big Gay Magazine)Stein: And now, children, can anyone tell me who was the drummer of the Beatles before Ringo Starr? Anyone? Anyone?
Cartman: (still under desk) Elvis Presley?
Kyle: Val Kilmer?
Stan: Charles Manson?
Kenny: Mmmm Mmmm!
Stein: No, class, I'm afraid you're all wrong, the answer is Buddy Holly. That's $50 each of your parents owe me. . . .
TRANSITION MUSIC--LUNCHROOM AT LUNCHTIME
(the boys in the lunch line, Chef behind the counter; on the wall behind Chef, a big banner reading KWANZAA)
Chef: How're my little crackers today?
All: (together) Bad!
Chef: Why bad?
Stan: We've got a substitute today!
Kyle: Yeah. He's a real hard-ass. His name's Ben Stein.
Chef: Ben Stein?! I'VE heard of HIM. (ominous music) I HEARD he was DEAD.
Kyle: He's alive. Well, sort of. My parents are already into him for five hundred bucks.
Chef: That Ben Stein is one mean motherf--
All: (together) Hush your mouth!
Chef: (sheepishly) I'm talking 'bout Stein!
Cartman: What's for lunch? I'm hungry!
Kyle: Ah, you're always hungry, lardlump.
Cartman: Jewboy!
Kyle: Turd burglar!
Chef: Well, today, children, I'm celebrating my African-American
heritage with mustard greens, black-eyed peas, ribs, and
in honor of Kwanzaa, some delicious taro root.Stan: What's that?
Chef: It's sort of a gummy colorless mush.
Cartman: Mush?! Screw that!
Chef: It's very high in cholesterol.
Cartman: Oh? (thinks) Well, I'll have some then.
Kyle: Are those pork ribs?
Chef: Yes.
Kyle: Oh, good. (loads his tray with them)
(Kyle, Kenny, and Stan take their trays off to the tables. Chef looks around.)
Chef: Where's your little friend? (sees something out of shot) Goddammit, boy! (rushes out of shot)
(Cartman is in the school kitchen, drinking directly from a big restaurant-kitchen-sized tankard labelled "BARBECUE SAUCE." Chef put Cartman over his knee and begins a loud spanking.)
Chef: What did I teach you?
Cartman: You're the Chef! (whap, whap) You're the Chef of
this school! (whap, whap) (sheepishly) You're
A-number-one! (pause) Now let me down!(Chef releases Cartman who takes his tray to the table and eats his lunch standing while the others are sitting.)
Cartman: That hurt, goddammit!
(The boys tuck in.)
Stan: "Simon and Simon" wasn't on last night. They put on an
old rerun of "The Rockford Files." Some black guy
was on who kept calling James Garner "Rockfish"
by mistake. (Chef walks up.)Chef: I saw that show too. A very stylish dresser, and a
handsome man. Probably gets to make sweet lu-uv
every night.(Chef wanders back to the kitchen, humming "I'm gonna make lu-uv to ya, mama, gonna lay you down by the fy-ah." The boys stare after him in disbelief.)
TRANSITION MUSIC--GARRISON'S CLASSROOM
Stein: Mr. Garrison won't be in class for the rest of the week,
boys and girls. Apparently he's gone to the Stonewall
Celebration in New York. For this afternoon, I've
prepared something I like to call "The Best of Ten
Test of Knowledge." (passes out papers to the class)
Whoever answers all ten questions correctly first will
receive a special prize. Of course, these questions
are designed for adults. The chances of any of you
being able to correctly answer all ten of them are
almost incomprehensible. Even back when I was
a speech writer for President Nixon none of us
could--(Kenny raises his hand)--Yes, what is
it, Kenny?Kenny: (gets up, walks to Garrison's desk, and gives his paper to Stein) M'm mmmm.
Stein: You're done? Well, let's see how well you did. (grades Kenny's test) Kenny, you made 100!
Stan: Dude!
Cartman: Kickass!
Stein: I bow to your superior knowledge. (Stein bows to Kenny,
who bows back) I'm impressed. I'm humbled. I
hate you! (from behind Garrison's desk he wheels out
a big safe) Take this money and go home! You've
done enough damage! (takes a huge satchel from
the safe and hands it to Kenny; it is so big that Kenny
has to drag it behind him. Kenny passes out a fifty
to everyone in class, then leaves the classroom)Cartman: Fifty bucks! I'm gonna eat candy 'til I puke!
Pip: (raises his hand) Mr. Stein, Mr. Stein!
Stein: (monotone) What is it, you annoying British child?
Pip: How much was the prize?
Stein: One hundred thousand dollars. (general
amazement from the class) That was my
budget for the entire season--little bastard!TRANSITION MUSIC--EXTERIOR CARTMAN'S HOUSE, NIGHT
CARTMAN'S LIVING ROOM
(Stan, Kyle, and Cartman with bag of Cheesy Poofs, are watching t.v.)
Stan: I haven't seen Kenny for three whole days. Where's he been?
Kyle: Dude, Mr. Stein told him to take the money and
go home. His family's been using that money to
fix up their house and buy lots of stuff.Cartman: And go to the racetrack.
(ding-dong!)
Cartman: (does not move from the couch) Mom! Doorbell!
(ding-dong!)
Cartman: (a little louder) Mo-om! Door-bellll!
(ding-dong!)
Cartman: (his face screwed up in pain) MO-OM! Oh, goddammit! (gets up to answer the door)
(ding-dong!)
Cartman: (walking to the door) I'll stuff that bell up yer ass, you son-of-a-bitch! (opens door)
(Kenny is standing in the door. He is wearing a tuxedo and a top hat. Unfortunately he is also wearing a white scarf that is wrapped over the bottom half of his face, making it impossible to understand anything he says.)
Kenny: (waving) Mm mmmm!
Mrs. Cartman: (in kitchen doorway) Who is it, honey?
Cartman: It's Kenny, Mom. He's here to conduct the orchestra. (Cartman, Stan, and Kyle laugh.)
Kenny: M'm mmmm mm mmmmm m.m. (sits on the couch)
Cartman: (sits on couch next to Kenny) (slyly, to Kenny)
Gee, Kenny, your dad with a hundred thousand
dollars! I bet that was enough to keep him full
of Scotch for three whole days! (Kenny
audibly punches Cartman, who punches him back.)SHOT OF THE T.V.
(in upper left corner: "TV-M" Screen is black-and-white like the opening disclaimer to "South Park")
THE FOLLOWING EPISODE OF "TERENCE AND PHILIP" CONTAINS BOOBS AND FIRE AND SHOULD NOT BE WATCHED BY ANYONE (blinking cursor)
(Terence and Philip are sitting on a couch, watching t.v.)
Philip: Know what, Terence?
Terence: What, Philip?
Philip: (in usual British accent) I am the Great Cornholio.
I need t.p. for my bunghole! (both characters laugh
hysterically)SHOT OF FOUR BOYS ON THE COUCH
Kenny: Mmmm mmmmmm!
Kyle: Totally, dude. I think the quality of the writing has really gone downhill!
Stan: Yeah, they've really run out of ideas!
Cartman: (as if trying to memorize it) "I need t.p. for my
bunghole! I am the Great Cornholio!" (louder)
I am the Great Cornholio-o-o!"CUT TO BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD'S LIVING ROOM (authentically drawn by Mike Judge)
(from the t.v.)"We now return to 'Simon and Simon.' (Simon and Simon theme music is heard)
Butthead: No boobs. This show sucks.
Beavis: (pulls t-shirt over his head, clenches his fists in front
of him) Heh-heh! Heh-heh! I'll KICK YOU IN THE
N-U-U-U-TS! Heh-heh! Heh-heh! (Butthead
promptly backhands him)TRANSITION MUSIC--CUT TO KENNY'S HOUSE, DAYTIME
(Kenny's house has been completely done over. It is, on the outside at least, the most luxurious house in South Park. A couple of delivery trucks are parked at the curb.)
CUT TO INTERIOR, LIVING ROOM
(The entire house is decorated like a cross between Graceland and a cheap New Orleans whorehouse. Delivery men bring in a pool table.)
Delivery Man: Where do you want it, sir?
Kenny's Dad: (wearing dressing gown, ascot, and cap
reading "SCOTCH", calling offscreen)
It's the fancy eatin' table, honey. (to the
delivery men) Just put 'er in the dining
room, boys. (delivery men carry
table out of shot)CUT TO KITCHEN
(Kenny's Mom is cooking something--while wearing her new fur coat and diamond rings. Kenny's Dad walks in and pours himself a large beer schooner of Scotch from a bottle marked "OLD MORTALITY.")
Kenny's Dad: Where's Kenny?
Kenny's Mom: He's out by the cee-ment pond, playin' with his little friends.
(Kenny's Dad downs his glass and opens the cupboard. He pulls down various liquor bottles. He drinks a whiskey drink. He drinks a vodka drink. He drinks a lager drink. He drinks a cider drink. He starts singing "Danny Boy" off-key.)
CUT TO KENNY'S BACKYARD
(There is a frozen-over swimming pool with a row of Grecian columns in the background. The characters are posed suspiciously like the Charlie Brown Christmas Special: Vince Guaraldi-type piano music is playing, one boy is playing a little piano while a girl gazes at him adoringly, two boys pass a football to each other, and a dog skates on the frozen pool. Then you realize it's South Park: the boy, playing "Jingle Bells" with one finger, is Stan, and the girl is Wendy. Cartman and Kyle are passing Ike, not a football. The skating dog is Spike. Kenny is watching, still in tuxedo, top hat, and scarf.)
Kenny's Dad: (walks on pushing snowmobile) I
thought you might like riding this!
It's all yours, son!CUT TO SHOT OF KENNY
Kenny: Mm? Mmm mm? (gets on snowmobile and rides off on it)
SHOT OF KENNY RIDING LEFT-TO-RIGHT ON RESIDENTIAL STREET
(music over: either "Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head" or "Born Free")
SHOT OF KENNY RIDING LEFT-TO-RIGHT PAST CITY HALL AND BOB'S RHINOPLASTY
SHOT OF KENNY APPROACHING OFFICER BARBRADY'S SQUAD CAR
Barbrady: (sitting in car) Hi, Kenny! (Kenny
waves and passes the car, blowing a
pile of snow on the hapless Officer
Barbrady and his car)(Kenny enters shot from left. From right appear a black helicopter, and two menacing black moving vans. Ominous music. Kenny turns around and goes out of shot left.)
SHOT OF KENNY RIDING RIGHT-TO-LEFT PASS BOB'S RHINOPLASTY AND CITY HALL
SHOT OF KENNY RIDING RIGHT-TO-LEFT ON RESIDEN- TIAL STREET
(Kenny arrives back at his house, and rides the snowmobile into the backyard. The black moving vans stop out front. On the side of the vans is: "I.R.S." Many men in black suits, with earphone jacks and walkie talkies, get out. Kenny's Dad walks out the front door.)
I.R.S. Agent: (to Kenny's Dad) Are you Connor MacCormick, of the Clan MacCormick?
Kenny's Dad: (nobly) I am.
I.R.S. Agent: Mr. MacCormick, I have an order here
authorizing me to seize the contents
of this house for non-payment of
back taxes. (to the other agents) All
right, men! Load up all this stuff!(The agents begin loading furniture from the house into the I.R.S. vans. Kenny, on snowmobile, comes out from the backyard with Kyle, Stan, and Cartman.)
I.R.S. Agent: (to Kenny) That snowmobile is government
property. Get off it, son. (starts
yanking at Kenny, who tries to pull
away)Cartman: (starts audibly punching the agent) You
goiter! You prostate! You leave Kenny alone!
He's mah friend! (the I.R.S. Agent kicks
Cartman end-over-end headfirst into a
snowbank) (muffled echoing voice from within)
You son-of-a-bitch!(Kenny guns the motor and the snowmobile lurches out of the I.R.S. Agent's grip. Kenny starts to drive away.)
I.R.S. Agent: That boy is interfering with a government seizure! (to the other agents) Open fire!
(In a series of shots, we discover that the I.R.S. Agents are not exactly expert marksmen. The inaccurate gunfire reduces the MacCormick home to its former white trash appearance. Immediately two dogs begin fighting in the yard.)
CUT TO KENNY, STANDING BY SNOWMOBILE, UNTOUCHED
Kenny: (waving) M'm mmmm!
Kyle: Hey, look, Kenny's okay!
SHOT OF I.R.S. AGENT FIRING A BAZOOKA
SHOT OF KENNY AND THE SNOWMOBILE BEING BLOWN INTO SMALL BITS
Stan: Oh my God! The I.R.S. killed Kenny!
Kyle: (shaking his fist) You bastards! (from all
directions come the barrels of sixteen sub-
machine guns, all pointing at Kyle) Er, I
mean, screw him! I always hated him! I'm
glad he's dead! (the guns withdraw from
the shot)(Making EXACTLY the same noise that the rats usually do, six I.R.S. agents swarm over the pieces of Kenny and the snowmobile and take them out of shot--except for one arm, or leg, which remains on the snow. After a moment, the Gene Splicer leans into shot, smiles, takes the limb, and goes back out of shot again.)
SHOT OF FRONT OF KENNY'S HOUSE
(I.R.S. vans drive off. Kyle and Stan survey the wreckage. They walk out of shot.)
SHOT OF RESIDENTIAL STREET
(Kyle and Stan walk past houses.)
Kyle: Dude, do you ever wonder why we always
see Kenny at school the next day after
he dies?Stan: I guess we'll never know.
(corny violin music over:)
SHOT OF THE GENE SPLICER GOING UP HILL THROUGH GATES MARKED "SOUTH PARK GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH"--DISSOLVE TO
SHOT OF GENE SPLICER GOING INSIDE--DISSOLVE TO
SHOT OF GENE SPLICER WALKING DOWN HALL AND THROUGH INTERIOR DOOR--DISSOLVE TO
SLOW PULL BACK TO REVEAL ROW OF IDENTICAL KENNY CLONES IN IDENTICAL ORANGE CLOTHES, EACH IN A GLASS CYLINDER IN SUS- PENDED ANIMATION--DISSOLVE TO
SLOW PULL BACK TO SHOT OF ENTIRE WAREHOUSE FULL OF ROW UPON ROW OF IDENTICAL KENNY CLONES--FADE OUT
CLOSING CREDITS